WELCOME TO LIA'S PROFILE-

REVAMPED!
(No 'Vamp' Pun Intended)

So, even if you don't care, here is my gargantuan profile. If you wish, just click the hide profile button and skip
my massive reviews/pledges/cheesy jokes.

The Beauty Of It Challenge!

Okay, this must be in character and it can be set in any time period. For example it could be Sabrina and Puck's wedding, or when Charming saved Snow or Briar, or any princess really. The pairing can be cannon or crack (a random pairing with absolutely no mention of it in the book) The only rules are that it has to be centered on A pairing, has to be in character, and it has to be no bigger than a twoshot. (two chapters)

If you have written a story, please PM me so I can post it on a poll!

MY EMAIL PROBLEM IS FIXED! YOU CAN PM ME! OR REPLY TO REVIEWS!

OR YOU CAN CONTACT ME AT MY WEBSITE AT http://www.freewebs.com/lialand/

I, Lia, swear to review to any story on fanfiction I read, despite age, length, or anything else.

Don't believe me? Would you feel better if I swore it in French?

Je, Lia, jure reconsidérer n'importe quelle histoire que j'ai lue, malgré l'âge, la longueur, ou autre chose.

Or do you prefer German?

Ich, Lia, schwöre, jede Geschichte nachzuprüfen, die ich, trotz des Alters, der Länge, oder irgend etwas anderen las.

How about Portogouse?

Lia, juro rever qualquer história que li, apesar de idade, comprimento, ou algo mais.

How about Russian?

Я, Lia, клянусь рассматривать любую историю, которую я читал, несмотря на возраст, длину, или что - нибудь еще.

Or Spanish?

Lia, juro examinar cualquier historia que leí, a pesar de edad, longitud, o algo más.

This is my new and improved profile. I haven't finished re-vamping it yet, but so far I've erased almost EVERYTHING. Except for my very favorite things about my old one. Including-

A depressing profile poem by Sapphirepaw.

Song choices for my favorite Twilight pairings

Cheesy Jokes

The BEST SIGNATURE EVER!

So if you're brave enough, attack this starting to be re-vamped profile, and enjoy it!

CHEESY JOKES

PUNCHLINE - What's the difference between a clarinet and Edward Cullen?
ANSWER - No one cries when you chop a clarinet into tiny pieces and burn it. (I play clarinet, but my sister told me the joke)

Okay, a minister is asking kids where Jesus lives. One little girl said, "In my arm, because he leads me to do good things." Another little girl said, "In my heart because he helps me love myself and others." The third child was a boy, and he said, "In my bathroom, because every morning my father goes to the bathroom and says, 'Jesus Christ, what is taking so long?"

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!".

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

There were two muffins in a oven. One muffin says to the other "It's hot in here" the other says "Holy crap! A talking muffin!"

PUNCHLINE- What do you call the animal hardest to find?
ANSWER- A WHERE-wolf

PUNCHLINE- Where does a woman with one leg work?
ANSWER- iHop

PUNCHLINE- A sexy, charismatic blind man walks into a bar. What does he say?
ANSWER- Ow.

PUNCHLINE- What do you think of a cow with no legs?
ANSWER- Ground beef

PUNCHLINE- What did Kermit the Frog say to Miss Piggy when she caught him licking his chops while staring at her lying on the bed sleeping?
ANSWER- "I always had a thing for pigs in the blanket."

PUNCHLINE- What do you call cheese that's not yours?
ANSWER- Nacho cheese

QUESTION- What do you call a pig with three eyes?
ANSWER- A piiig

Thanks to SuffocatingUnderWordsOfSorrow for the next two! (I don't know how she stomached my immense profile. I don't even particularly care about it. : ) )

QUESTION- What do you call a man with a seagull on his head?
ANSWER- Cliff

QUESTION- What do you call a man with paper underwear?
ANSWER- Russel!

The Strangest Things I've Ever Seen -

A white girl on Dora.

Kaylee West doing a booty-drop.

A hobo in a Gucci jacket (whilst visiting Chicago)

A snake eating a mouse.

A snake shedding.

My hair in the morning.

The Strangest Things I've Ever Smelled -

My sister's morning breath (why does it smell like anchovies, gum, and shoes??)

Alfalfa (also my FAVORITE scent = ) )

Wet dead leaves (they remind me of pumpkin patches!)

The Story Of My Minions

I am a master of many beasts. My main servants are the ThrushClones. They are simply anonymous reviewers that adore copy-pasting and helps boost reviews. They also mated with the muffins from the muffin joke (there were 40 in the bakery oven at the time), and had the Magical Marvelent Muffins of Mmmm-ness. They are no laughing matter. They are attempted murderers, and often appear on Most Wanted lists everywhere. They are most useful for when someone mocks me for not owning Twilight (they are currently hunting down the word 'Disclaimer' to kill it off for good). Their top agent's name is Bakery Boi. He has an incredibly square chin. He also wears a long black trench coat. Goldfish crackers pwn. Animal crackers are evil, and they attempt to kill my friends and I frequently. We have had Cracker War parts 1, 2, and 3, and we filmed them all. We need to make Cracker War part three because BRANDEN SEWING WAS HIRED BY THE ANIMAL CRACKERS TO KILL JOE, A VETERAN GOLDFISH WITH A DRAWN-ON PURPLE MARKER FACE!!

100 THINGS I LEARNED FROM HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL (THIS IS COPYRIGHTED!!)

1) High school cafeterias are vast and spacious — leaving plenty of room to spontaniously break into song and dance — and are in no way packed, crowded or uncomfortable
2) It’s completely acceptable for the female drama teacher to walk into the guys locker room where her young male students are showering.
3) A white, 5-foot-9 junior is the best high school basketball player in the state of New Mexico.
4) Creme brulee is a creamy custard that is totally satisfying
5) There’s only one fat person at East High School
6) All Troy could remember was pink jelly
7) In school hallways they put up really big posters of the most popular guy in school so that obsessed girls can sing to it
It’s okay to practice incest if you’re acting
9) Students at East High are allowed to work with chemicals unsupervised.
10) Troy’s shower head is very impressed
11) Everyone has a secret, and they have practiced to tell everyone in perfect harmony… while dancing.
12) That girl is named Gabriella, and she is very nice.
13) Kelsi has a magic piano: it not only plays piano but it plays guitar, drums and bass too
14) Lucas is NOT gay… even though he dances, sings, hangs out with his girly sister, wears pink hats, and stares at sweaty basketball players because Disney does not promote homosexuality
15) The hottest gossip is that the new girl and baskeball captain are auditioning for a musical, and that is in no way a euphemism for having sex.
16) In high school, you only have class once a day and it’s only about 10 minutes long. For the rest of the day you can sing, dance, play basketball, make/foil plans, and hide out in secret gardens as much as you want.
17) While alone in her bedroom, they sing. No sex? Really?
18) No one in the ENTIRE school has ever told Sharpay to shut the fuck up. How is that possible?
19) Gabriella and Troy are ‘breaking free’. They are also soaring, flying, and there isn’t a star in heaven that they can’t reach.
20) You can name a kid in the 21st century “Sharpay”
21) Detention is only 15 minutes long… and a boy named Chad will need you to help him countdown the minutes, as he sadly cannot count that high.
22) It’s always good to get extra credit…for college.
23) No one cusses at East High
23) Gabriella can’t have people staring her… she really can’t.
25) Parents do not teach their children that it’s okay to be yourself, only pop songs can do that.
26) Singing and dancing in the hallways is outstandingly normal
27) Playing the cello is very similar to operating a saw.
28) No emos, cutters, or illegal janitors.
29) Gabriella feels AND looks like a girl.
30) Having opera stars’ pictures in your refrigerator helps you lose weight.
31) Kelsi can teach you every note, pitch, and word to a song just by singing the first two lines for you.
32) People are doing stuff, stuff that isn’t their stuff.
33) The second equation should read 16 over pi.
34) Troy doesn’t know that “scared” means the same thing as “afraid”
35) There is only ONE Gabriella Montez on the entire World Wide Web.
36) Ain’t nothin wrong with a basketball playing brother who likes to bake.
37) If you’re the new kid in school, no one is allowed to look at you
38) If you audition for a school play, you send the entire school into pandemonium
39) Chad can make Troy say things.
40) The jazz square is a crowd favorite. EVERYONE loves a jazz square.
41) Even though you’ve only sung to your showerhead you will know how to sing harmony in karaoke.
42) Mountain lions are cute, but you don’t pet them.
43) Some high schools only have 5 adults on campus. That’s how they get away with dancing in the halls.
44) Troy is not just a guy.
45) Apparently the winter musical only requires two cast members.
46) When you’re in love with a stranger, you can memorize lyrics at the drop of a hat
47) Corbin Bleu is pretty much white.
48) If you’re a stressed jock, you need only to go to the school gardens and sing… nobody will find you or pick on you.
49) It’s hard to believe, that I couldn’t see, you were always right beside me!
50) Ryan really wants to meet Ashton Kutcher
51) No one said anything about leotards.
52) If you love a girl enough, breaking and entering into her room is not considered a problem.
53) No one on the basketball team is good at math.
54) Ladders can appear out of nowhere.
55) Chad tried to tell him, he REALLY tried.
56) Sharpay is allowed to have a pink locker while everyone else is stuck with an ugly beige one.
57) Troy rides the bus to school even though his dad works there
58) You can bet, there’s nothing but net, when Zeke is in the zone and on a roll.
59) If you’re gay, you dont know what g-o-d-r-a-m-a-c-l-u-b-! spells
60) If you’re heart has been broken by the most popular guy in school, your locker can open automatically - no combination necessary.
61) Where’s Gabby’s dad!?
62) Warning bells can be easily mistaken for cell phones.
63) Yes, Troy, you ARE going left.
64) You can have a laptop and a webcam pointing at a person ready to record them and they would NEVER notice
65) It’s better to hear it from Mrs. Darbus now than from your friends later
66) You can go to Kelsi’s house for breakfast and she has a piano.
67) By taking off your lab coat, the red ribbon in your hair can turn pink.
68) Only fat girls like to pop, lock and drop it.
69) You are allowed to cover your microphone with tacky sequins as long as youre the most popular girl in school
70) All stage fright can be cured by the saying “Like kindergarten”
71) What the heck are those two doing in a tree?!
72) You WILL stick to the status quo or everyone will sing to you until everyone else confesses
73) Gabriella loves pi.
74) Troy’s watch is imaginary, but he looks at it anyways and always knows what the time is.
75) Cheerleaders speak a different language than other human beings.
76) Students in high school don’t need backpacks… or books for that matter
77) No one finds it weird that you’re singing a sexual song to your brother/sister
78) It takes Gabriella’s mom and Troy’s dad forever to walk to an auditorium.
79) Throwing basketballs at trees is apparently great for stress relief
80) If you climb up to a chicks balcony that hates you and start singing to her, she will fall back in love with you.
81) People keep outfits in their lockers just in case someone spills nachos on them
82) The pregnant teacher stands corrected.
83) If you wear pink and have blonde hair, you are automatically a malevolent popular girl.
84) All fathers with sons in sports are oblivious to their sons’s other needs and desires.
85) Teachers from different departments always hate each other.
86) Chad has some pretty awesome shirts.
87) Troy is very slow (Come on! Not even ONE kiss?)
88) If you make good cookies, people fall in love with you.
89) A high school can produce 17 musicals in a span of two years
90) It is possible for the random girl you met at a ski lodge at New Year’s to coincidentally move to your school and become your girlfriend
91) Singing absolves a person of any bad thing they’ve done.
92) An entire school’s network can be crippled by the push of a button (Taylor must be a really good hacker.)
93) Chili cheese fries and milk are a substantial meal.
94) Interperative dancing is a sign that there is something mentally wrong with you and must see a counselor
95) All practical rules of time and space are lost when Troy and Gabriella hide.
96) The very best way to condemn your friend for singing is to break out into a song yourself
97) If you take your hat off and reveal luscious locks of brown hair you’re instantly beautiful.
98) Gabriella always plans ahead thats how she’s able instantneously change into a semi formal dress and heels for a basketball game.
99) You dont mind linking arms with the school bitch that you hate as long as its the final dance number of the movie.
100) When the entire East High School student body is decked out in red and white, Troy and Gabriella always seem to be in blue. Until the finale when they finally catch on.

Movie Quotes-

(The Little Rascals)

Buckweed and Curly- We've got a dollar, we've got a dollar. we've got
a dollar hey hey hey hey.

Buckweed - You like pickles, Curly?
Curly- I hate 'em. My mom makes me eat 'em.
Buckweed-I LOVE pickles.
Curly- Will you give me five cents for mine?
Buckweed- Two?
Curly- Fine.
Buckweed- (singing) I've got two pickles, I've got two pickles, I've got two pickles today, hey hey!

Darla- There's only one thing I miss about him. His voice. When he sings, he makes me melt like
a popsicle on the Fourth of July.

Waldo- You have the sophistication of a woman of twelve.

My Angry Review of Breaking Dawn

This was made by Sapphirepaw. I was bawling (and still do when I'm reading it) when I read it. It's SO sad!

Mommy...Johnny brought a gun to school,

He told his friends that it was cool,

And when he pulled the trigger back,

It shot with a great, huge crack.

Mommy, I was a good girl, I did what I was told,

I went to school, I got straight A's, I even got the gold!

When I went to school that day,

I never said good-bye.

I'm sorry that I had to go, But Mommy, please don't cry.

When Johnny shot the gun, he hit me and another,

And all because Johnny, got the gun from his brother.

Mommy, please tell Daddy; That I love him very much,

And please tell Zack; my boyfriend; That it wasn't just a crush.

And tell my little sister; That she is the only one now,

And tell my dear sweet grandmother; I'll be waiting for her now

And tell my wonderful friends; That they always were the best

Mommy, I'm not the first, I'm no better than the rest

Mommy, tell my teachers; I won't show up for class,

And never to forget this, And please don't let this pass

Mommy, why'd it have to be me? No one, though. deserves this.

But mommy, it's not fair, I left without a kiss.

And Mommy tell the doctors; I know that they really did try

I think I even saw one doctor, trying not to cry.

Mommy, I'm slowly dying, with a bullet in my chest,

But Mommy please remember, I'm in heaven with the rest

When I heard that great, big crack, I ran as fast as I could

please listen to me if you would,

I wanted to go to college, I wanted to try things that were new

I guess I'm not going with Daddy, On that trip to the new zoo

I wanted to get married, I wanted to have a kid,

I wanted to be an actress, I really wanted to live.

But Mommy I must go now, The time is getting late,

Mommy, tell my Zack, I'm sorry I to cancel the date.

I love you Mommy, I always have, I know you know its true

And Mommy all I need to say is, "Mommy, I love you"In Memory of The Columbine & Virginia Tech
Students Who Were Lost

I HATE JACOB. HATE HIM, HATE HIM, HATE HIM!! THE ONLY REASON I WILL EVER USE JACOB AS BELLA'S ROMANTIC INTEREST IS SO I CAN EVENTUALLY DESTROY HIM!! HATE HIM!! (LOVE TAYLOR WAY MORE THAN ROBERT THOUGH)

Urm, I liked Robert... and then I saw the movie. THE MEADOW SCENE WAS GONE! WHAT THE FUCK?? And did you SEE him try to be playful? When he jumped onto the truck from the tree - he would NOT do that in plain sight. Edward was ABUSIVE, basically, in the movie. "We need to get above the cloud cover!" Stupid, stupid, stupid. Bella was WAY too calm, and not clingy AT all, even when they were talking about James! AND VAMPIRES CAN'T FLY!! I hope they DO change the actors. (GASPARD ULLIARD AND EMILY BROWNING!!) Jackson's alien haircut is annoying, but okay, and I love the humans, except Mike's a little too hot. Oh, and did you notice that THERE IS NO ONE FAT OR EVEN RELATIVELY ZITTY AT FORKS HIGH?? Oh, and her fantasies / dreams are stupid, no offense. I laughed, but still.

Edward's described as boyish! Rob looks 30! Oh, and Robert can't glare worth shit, plus the owl's wings to make him look like an angel is tacky and annoying. He's a HORRIBLE Edward! And Carlisle did NOT have to yell at Edward! (That did, however, make me laugh my head off at the stupid bastard's face)

By the way, I think of Movie Edward and Book Edward as two different people. ME is okay to make fun of, but making fun of BE is unforgivable!!

Some Songs For My Favorite Couples In Twilight:

(These will all be made into my wierd brand of songfic)

EMxR= Touch My Body by Mariah Carey

Comments:

This song really describes what Rose would say to Emmett, I think. Especially about the teddy bear reference. And, it would be just like Emmett to make a porno and put it on YouTube.

ExB= Our Song by Taylor Swift

OR

No Air by Jordin Sparks, featuring Chris Brown

0R

Bubbly by Colbie Caillat

OR

Sorry by Buckcherry

OR

Some of the lyrics for Cold As You by Taylor Swift

OR

Bubbly by that one Cailbat girl...

OR

Bleeding Love by Leona Lewis (my favorite Simon 'Scowl' Cowell discovery)

Comments:

1. Fantastic song. 'Staying up late tapping on your window' how more Twilight can it get?

2. You know, the whole 'when you're not here I just can't breathe' thing is really Bella and Edward. They're so obsessed, so addicted to each other. Ya gotta love them.

3. Once again, the whole obsessed and addicted thingymobober. Then, there's the whole, when you hold me in your arms thing that reminds me of Edward holding Bella while she sleeps.

4. This reminds me of New Moon. When Edward told Bella he didn't want ehr, well he's sorry for that. And he keeps saying it... OVER AND OVER. And this song fits it perfectly.

5. What Bella thought, and she never really has been anywhere as cold as Edward. Unless she went to a secret trip to Antartica/The Artic. Just 'cause she doesn't know the truth, otherwise NO WAY.

6. It's not the best song, and could fit for any couple in love, but it's cute and it's on my Twilight playlist on my iPod SO...

7. This song is goo, and describes how Bella and Edward love each other so much it's oozing... I ws thinking Victoria and James for it, because they were both cut to pieces, which she mentions, but James (I think so, anyway) was just using her, and Victoria isn't gushy...

AxJ= When You Say Nothing At All by Alison Krauss

Comments:

I don't like the song at ALL, but the title especially fits. Jasper knows how Alice feels, and Alice can always foresee him saying 'I love you.'

CxE= Far Away by Nickleback

Comments:

Why I chose this song, even I have no idea. But, hey, why not?

Carisle= How To Save A Life

Comments:

Do I even have to explain? Oh, and Patrick Dempsey should TOTALLY be Carlisle. I plan on making a YouTube vid with Dr. McDreamy somewhere in there...

Ok, am I the only one who thinks Patrick Dempsey would've made a really hot Carlisle? Maybe, with the help of a razor, an Edward...