GET READY FOR THE LONGEST PROFILE EVER!!

Hey everyone. My name's Meg and I'm a college student who really, really loves procrastinating!!

Seriously, I really do. That's like, all I do nowadays.

Every now and then I'll get possessed to write a story - like when I've got something to do that I really don't feel like doing, or if I'm really bored, or if I want to (shock) procrastinate! Lately I've gotten way more into wasting time by reading the backlogs of TelevisionWithoutPity's Lost recaps (which, by the way, I recommend for their unabashed bashing of any show, because it's that much more funny if you like it and can appreciate what they're talking about). But I'm still always coming up with crazy ideas for stuff, and will sometimes write it down, and occasionally post it once I get sick of looking at it.

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Work(s?) in Progress:

- "You're Going to Die, Brother": a Percy-centric story (though I kind of hate Percy) where Percy somehow goes back in time and manages to save Fred. But the universe, unfortunately, has a habit of course-correcting... Yes, I watch too much Lost. And read too much Harry Potter. And mourn fictional characters too much. AN: Okay, so it's kind of on hiatus. It's not my fault! I'm having writer's block! And (spoiler alert) I've never killed anyone before, so I need to get it right! But some day, if I ever find the courage to commit fictional murder, the end of the story (which I plan to be like 3 chapters or so) will be posted.

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Ongoing Projects (and yes, these are completely different from works in progress):

-Hogwarts Musical! As long as I keep listening to High School Musical and getting weird mental images about the songs, I will keep applying them to Harry Potter (imaginary?) situations! Breaking Free will be posted... some day. And I GOTTA do Getcha Head in the Game. It's a given... with Quidditch... I also really want to do Fabulous, which I'm 95 percent sure will be sung by Dudley (only he's "Flabulous"). Any more ideas for songs? Anyone? Bueller?

-Lost in 17 Minutes! Which I update usually every season, or whenever there's a strike-induced hiatus.

-Harry Potter in 17 Minutes! Whenever I feel like it (aka, when I'm done with my frickin' Percy story!), I will write the next five installments of this fic. 4 realz.

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Possible future projects (depending on how much I want to procrastinate/be teh good writer):

- "Ask Voldemort" (or something like that)... Voldemort somehow gets an advice column and writes HORRIBLE ADVICE to an unsuspecting public. Yes? No? Any interest whatsoever? Message me!

-possibly lame, definitely weird The Office/Harry Potter crossover. On Beach Day, Jim leads the Dunder Mifflinites in a chant of Voldemort's name. Too bad the name was Taboo'd in book 7...

-"Flight of the Oceanics": Something similar to Hogwarts Musical, but with Losties singing altered versions of Flight of the Conchords songs. I've already got ideas for "The Most Beautiful Girl (In The Room)", "Leggy Blonde," and "Boom", but I might do other ones too. Or I might not do any of them.

-something else in 17 Minutes. I've heard I should do LOTR... once I watch the movies again, I probably will. And HSM is just DYING to be done too. And yes, I plan on doing all 7 HP books... I've only finished SS and CoS so far, but the rest will come... some day. Plus I just watched Titanic and that could be interesting too... and Veronica Mars, aka most whacked out show ever besides Lost? It will happen one day! But not before my Percy story's done!

-something more serious in some other fandom. Like, maybe some sort of Steve/Scott angst (but not slashy angst) for Lost? Or some kind of Desmond/Penny plan for season 5? Because their story is so not done. And I've still been wanting to do something dealing with Fred's demise in HP, even though it's been done to death (haha, I'm so punny =P). But something more serious for sho'.

-something to celebrate my love for Barney and Robin (BroTP? the Bromance? Brobin? Robney? Robarney? Whatever). Or I could, you know, just wait for next season and drool over them then. Because it'd probably be funnier/more moving than anything I could come up with anyway.

-This will probably never be posted, but I'm putting it down here anyway. So I'm (mentally) writing a sort of long story about George and how he tries to get over Fred's death... through loooooooove. It started out as my story "Downward Spiral," but now it's kind of completely different, so if I ever post it it'll be under a different name, but kind of the same idea. This story is probably the reason "You're Going to Die, Brother" has been on hiatus for so long, since I've been writing this one in my head instead of my "Fred must die" thing. Anyway, I like it, but I don't think many other people will, plus it'll be ruined if I write any of it down, so it's just going to brew in my brain until one day my head explodes from angst overload and I want nothing more to do with Caitlin and her stupid angsty face. (Caitlin being my OC... I know, red flag!) ANYWAY, if any of you think I should go ahead with this thing, you can message me. But don't expect anything to come of it. I'm very busy with... needlepoint.

-I know I said I'd do a sequel to BWAV some day, so I'm including that on the future projects list too. Dag, I've got too many ideas. It comes from writing in your head for like ten years and never having an outlet for your creativity. That, and I really, really like procrastinating. See above.

Because I know you all care so much, and because I am incapable of writing ANYTHING short, here are my ships:

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HP ships:

-Harry/Ginny

-Ron/Hermione

-Neville/SOMEONE!! (he needs love =D) but from Hannah Abbott?! random. whatever.

-James/Lily

-Molly/Arthur

-Luna/Dean (because they were adorable in DH! And everyone knows that Dean is a much hotter name than Rolf... if your name happens to be Rolf, no offense.)

-Percy/Penelope (because as much as I dislike Percy, I really don't think he's gay. Or would ever fall for Oliver Wood. Or would marry some random woman named Audrey...)

-Fred/Angelina!! (meant to be... Frangelina 4EVAH!! George/Angelina doesn't even make sense, JKR!)

-George/ME (I'll make it canon somehow. =) Let's make it work, George. You and me. We can make this work. ...If you didn't get the Project Runway reference in there, you're weird.)

And let's just all agree that that "Weasley Family Tree" thing doesn't exist. OK? Sound good? Moving on.

Also. Can I just say how completely out of left field it was when Tonks declared her undying love for Lupin in HBP? That always bothered me a little. Though I did grow to love the pair in time, I just never saw that one coming. It was like... Percy/Audrey. Or George/Angelina. Or Luna/Rolf. Or Neville/Hannah... JKR has no idea how to pair her characters. OK I'm done now.

My absolute favorite characters are Ron, Fred, George (who is one of my many fictional lovers), Charlie... pretty much all the Weasleys except Percy (who I don't think I hate as much as I used to). I also love Lupin, Sirius, and Neville. And Colin, as much as you can possibly love a character who rarely shows up. So as you can see, DH made me pretty upset when three of my favorite characters bit the dust. I went into a spiraling depression for like 3 months. (Not really, but I was broken up until like December.) My dirty little secret: I actually don't like Harry all that much - I think he should have stayed dead in DH. Would have been much cooler/more realistic/less treacly. But then, the entire end of DH was pretty treacly, wasn't it? (That's a great word. Way better than "sappy".) Also not a big Hermione fan, even if she's the most like me.

Fave book? Tie between Goblet of Fire and Deathly Hallows. And I despise Order of the Phoenix for reasons I can't fathom. Picking a favorite movie is hard for me, because not a single one of them is nearly as good as the book. ESPECIALLY GoF. Though I do really like the PoA movie. And OotP has its moments.

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LOST ships:

-Claire/Charlie (RIP. Now that the writers KILLED CHARLIE OFF, I think Claire needs to move on with someone else. There aren't enough women on this island for her to be a spinster all her life. Enter Sawyer!!) Also, I love how this is PB&J... just like Pam Beesly and Jim!

-Desmond/Penelope :D Otherwise known as the couple that made me realize I was secretly a romantic, and that the only thing that will make me cry is the relationship between two people who aren't even real. Anyway, I'm so happy they got back together!! But I'm also worried that somehow this is going to end very badly for the two of them... :( Call it a gut feeling. Though if Penny's going to die, she should at least have a baby named Charlie Telemachus Hume first... but she'd better not die. That would make Desmond go even more cuckoo than he was in season 2. SAVE PENNY!

-Sayid/Nadia :( RIP Future Nadia. :( :( :( What's up with the writers' vendetta against Sayid's happiness?! PS- I don't know what this ship's official name is, and I don't usually care about that anyway, but I call this "Sadia". Because it has the word "sad" in it. ;_;

-Jin/Sun (Jin is NOT DEAD! I know it. I know he was able to get away! Plus Kristin Dos Santos said he's coming back next season, so... he's okay. Yay!)

-I'm sorry, but I just can't get behind Daniel/Charlotte. Maybe because I still really don't like her. Though if she ends up being Desmond and Penny's daughter from the future, that'll probably be okay with me. Mainly because, hey. It's Des and Penny. Just the idea that they would have a baby together makes me squee.

-Rose/Bernard. I like Rose. She's got spunk! Bernard... eh. But I hope he doesn't die, because that would be too sad.

-Aaron/Ji Yeon :)

Here's my VERY complicated stance on the Jack/Kate/Sawyer triangle. (Which people spend too much time worrying about anyway.) If Kate should be with anyone, she should be with Sawyer, because they have way more chemistry and way more in common. But Sawyer's too good for Kate. Kate, meanwhile, is too good for Jack. Juliet should have more sense than to get into this polygon, yet here we are. I don't think that Jacket is over, however. And if Juliet and Sawyer get together, I will throw up. For real. Because that will make Jate that much more "okay," which I really REALLY don't agree with. I really wish that Claire would just stumble out of the jungle and get with Sawyer before Juliet gets her claws into him... Christian said that Aaron was supposed to be with Sawyer, and we already know that he also has to stay with Claire! Stupid Jack and Kate, kidnapping him. Though Claire and Charlie are really the ones who should be raising him... I can't let it go! I'm sorry! SO I guess if I had to limit myself to naming ships... Jack/no one (preferably, he dies by the end of the series XD), Juliet/someone off the island (because, come on. Girl wants to leave, and I'm tired of trying to figure out whose side she's on. Also, in this polygon, she's going to be the "other woman" no matter what, which makes me sad for her even if I don't particularly like her.), and either Sawyer/Kate or Sawyer/Claire. I'm flexible either way with Sawyer, as long as Kate doesn't end up with Jack. If Juliet and Jack get together, that'd be okay too, but not the end of the world if it never happens. But if, by the end of season 6, Kate ends up choosing Jack... guh. I'll probably go into a spiraling depression that lasts longer than the one caused by the end of HP, and wish I'd never watched the show in the first place. Ok, so that's an exaggeration. That'll only happen if like, Penny kills Des or something. (Don't laugh! I had an honest-to-God nightmare about that, and it shattered my dream self's faith in love.) You'd think since I don't like Jack or Kate that I wouldn't mind if they got together and just tortured each other, but I care. I really, REALLY do.

And I wish Hurley could find love again. My poor little teddy bear. I was so pissed they killed off Libby like that. =(

-So I was trying to figure out who my favorite character should be now that they KILLED OFF CHARLIE. Also, I have nothing better to do than debate who my favorite character on a fictional show is. I finally decided (despite the curse that my favoritism apparently puts on people) that I'm going to go with Desmond, even though I almost blamed him for Charlie's untimely demise. But then I realized it was really Patchy's fault, so I forgave Desmond for that whole "you're gunna die Chahlie" thing. My other faves are (in no particular order): CHARLIE (#1 forever in my heart), Sawyer, Sayid, Jin, Claire, Sun, Aaron (because I love babies!), Hurley, Daniel, Alex, Rousseau, annnnnd Karl. RIP the last 3. And Charlie especially. (And no, I will never get over this. My one complaint with season 4 is that the Island is really missing something with him gone. That, and the show COMPLETELY FORGOT ABOUT THE CIRCUMSTANCES SURROUNDING HIS DEATH!!) Least faves are definitely JACK, Ana, Charlotte, JACK, Boone, Michael (though his death really sucked, and made his storyline last season a waste of my time), JACK, Locke (though I'm totally on his side just because he makes more sense than Jack, and was disappointed - though not devastated - to see he was dead), JACK, and (more recently) Kate. Miles avoids this list purely because his whole "I hear dead people" shtick makes him arguably the most useful Freighterperson (besides Daniel). I'm really ambivalent on Ben, because I hated him right up until the moment Alex died. Then I felt really bad for him. Then I hated him again for saying he was going to kill Penny. What a douche. Never mind, I guess I do hate him after all. Though he (and Locke) are highly compelling characters, unlike Jack, whose hero and daddy issues make him more whiny than interesting to me. And hey, guess what?! Turns out most of my least favorite characters are dead now! That NEVER happens to me! Because usually me favoring someone dooms them to misery... but since this show is the opposite, bad news for you, Jack! (And Kate... and, depending on whether or not I ever make up my mind, Ben.) If you've read this far in my bio, congratulations! You get a gold star! =)

As you can see, characters on this show are very polarizing for me. Oh, and did I mention I LOVE LOST?!

PS- fave episode? The Constant. Hands down. Best episode of Lost ever, and I'm not just saying this because it's Desmond-centric. It introduced this whole other aspect to the Island with the time-travel thing, I loved the twist on the traditional flashbacks... and the end scene where Desmond and Penny profess their love for each other makes me cry every single time. Honestly, I cry pretty much whenever those two are on screen together... I love Henry Ian Cusick and Sonya Walger! The absolute worst episode is, without question, Stranger in a Strange Land. Not only because it focuses on the origin of Jack's tattoos (which I don't think even Jack fans cared about), but also because NOTHING AT ALL HAPPENS IN THE ENTIRE EPISODE. (haha- now watch it be the most important episode of the series. That'd show me.)

Wow. Okay. Lost rant over!

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I am SO over Grey's Anatomy. But I'm still going to watch it. Damn.

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The Office ships:

-Jim/Pam (OBVI.)

-Dwight/Angela

-are there any more ships to ship? I hate Ryan and I hate Jan, so I'm not Ryan/Kelly or Michael/Jan. Incidentally, I'm also not Kelly/Michael. Can you imagine?! lulz.

-After "Goodbye, Toby", I am a definite Michael/Holly shipper!! They're so obviously soul mates... I hope she comes back in season 5!

-Oscar/...some guy :)

And I might be the only one who's going to miss Toby. A lot. If only his "trip to Costa Rica" would be like Oscar's "gay-cation"...

Fave characters: Jim, Pam, Toby, Dwight, Andy, Kelly, Creed, and sometimes Michael (when he's not being an ignorant ass, and when other people -coughJancough- screw him over). Ryan and Jan are, obviously, my least favorites... though my hatred of them didn't start until season 4, when he got her job and she started ruining Michael's life. Before that I just felt sorry for Ryan, and ambivalent toward Jan.

I can't say I have a fave episode... the end of Casino Night has made me cry on more than one occasion, and season 2 as a whole is pretty solid. Season 1 is kind of boring, and season 3, while excellent, has a tone that's kind of off because Jim and Pam aren't in sync. But I do have to say that with the exceptions of Dinner Party and Goodbye, Toby, the second half of season 4 really sucked. Stupid writer's strike. But if I had to pick one... hm... season 3 finale.

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My new favorite show is How I Met Your Mother. And I don't much care who the mother is, as long as it's not Robin. Since...

-...she clearly belongs with BARNEY STINSON!! (Who would have made my fictional lovers' list if his character wasn't such a sleaze. That I love. Because of NPH.) These two may have replaced Jam as my favorite sitcom couple... I'm not entirely sure why. Probably because, in a very strange way, I find Barney way more relatable than either Jim or Pam (even if Pam is me in 10 years). I always understand exactly what Barney's thinking. Maybe that's NPH's doing. Anyway, I'm dying for these two to get together, because they both deserve to be happy. I mean, they're both happy now... they'd just be happier together. =) (And he totally left her that doormat back in S1. Just wait, I'm totally right.)

-Lily/Marshall (obviously). I love that these two can still be a funny married couple without ripping each other's throats out (like most of the other married couples on sitcoms coughRAYMONDcough). Plus, they're just adorable.

-Ted/Your Mother. =) Whoever that is. And I really don't think it's Stella. And pray to God it isn't Robin (because even though SagetTed calls her "Aunt Robin", we already know how unreliable of a narrator he is!). Personally, I'm rooting for the slutty pumpkin. I'm not sure why. Either her or Trudy. Or Wendy the waitress.

And thank God for small casts!

-I love pretty much everyone in this show, so I'm not sure I could narrow it down to just one fave. Barney might win on NPH's merit alone, though I also love Marshall a lot. If I had to pick a least favorite character, I'd go with Ted. Because there are times when I just hate his face. Though he makes me laugh a lot too, and some of his rom-antics have made my heart melt. No one on this show's really loathable. It's not like Lost. Favorite minor characters are Carl, Brad, and Ranjit. Was NOT a fan of Britney, and I don't really want her to come back. She wasn't awful when she was on, but there's no reason to bring her back. Besides, you know, ratings.

-There are so many good episodes of this show, I don't know if I can pick just one... but whenever Marshall slaps Barney, Ted gets drunk, or Robin Sparkles shows up (or BroTP gets a tiny moment), the show gets legen... wait for it... dary! So, I guess "Slap Bet" is my fave... though "Sandcastles in the Sand", "Sweet Taste of Liberty", "Moving Day", "How Lily Stole Christmas", "The Pineapple Incident", "How I Met Everyone Else", "Dowisetrepla", and "Zip, Zip, Zip" are also near the very top of the list. My least favorite is probably "Bachelor Party," just because of how uncomfortable the entire episode makes me (though I did love the part at the very end when they show Barney going to talk sense into Lily!). What can I say? This show just rocks. (And the continuity makes me so damn happy every week!)

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(OH and Rory/Dean on Gilmore Girls!! I was so sad when he left the show to go to Supernatural! And even sadder when the show got cancelled!!)

And PS- I HATE Veronica/Logan on Veronica Mars. That probably makes me weird, but I don't care. I can't stand Logan, and I hate Veronica when she's with him.

Lastly, I've only recently started watching Buffy, and I think I'm a Buffy/Angel shipper, even though I'm only through the first 2 seasons and Spike isn't a factor yet. I was distraught when Angel became evil, and almost cried when she killed him after he got his soul back. ;_; But then again, I hate Angel for killing Ms. Calendar, and thought Xander was right about Buffy only wanting to go easy on him because of their relationship, even though he was a monster. (Um, hypocrisy much, Buffy?) I don't like Buffy's character too much, especially when she's all hung up on Angel when he's a homicidal crazy vampire. For that show... love Giles, love Willow, loved Jenny Calendar, like pre-Buffy-sex Angel, like Oz, like Xander even though lots of people find him annoying, think he and Cordelia are cute in a verbally abusive sort of way. I also liked Kendra, the other Slayer, just because of how awkward she was. Faith was a bitch. In short, I like Buffy because it's everything Twilight could have been but wasn't. (Because before I even watched Buffy, I was reading Twilight and was all, "You know what would make this book more interesting? If Bella had to kill Edward." Yeah. I'm that clairvoyant.)

Yeah, I know people hate reading quotes, and that even putting them on here makes me one of "those" people, but I don't care. I love quotes, and these won't fit on my Facebook page. So just scroll down if you don't want to read them. Or, you know, read them and be amused. Because I am. =)

The Office:

Andy: I saw your dork mobile in the parking lot. What does it get, like 4 miles to the gallon?
Dwight: Uh, try double that? Classic Trans Am. Vintage American muscle.
Andy: Yeah, my Xterra's pretty sweet. Luxurious, yet rugged. Leave it to the Japanese.
Dwight: (scoffs) Xterra isn't even a real word.
Andy: Actually, it is. It's Latin for "earth."
Dwight: Oh, so you drive an X-earth? That makes sense. I'd rather drive a classic Trans Am than an "X-earth."
Andy: Yeah, I bet you would. Oh, by the way, 1985 called. It wants its car back.
Dwight: Well, I hope 1985 has a time machine because I drive an '87.
Andy: Oh, speaking of time machines, I just got back from the future and I went to your funeral, and guess what? Nobody came.
Dwight: Speaking of funerals, why don't you... go ahead and... go die?
Andy: Oh, that was a really well-constructed sentence. You should be an English professor at "Cor-NOT" University.
Dwight: Idiot.
Andy: If I were an idiot, I'd be driving a Trans Am.
Dwight: If you were driving a Trans Am, you would be the smartest idiot in the whole world.
Andy: (Coughs) An idiot.
Dwight: (Coughs) You're the idiot.
Andy: (Coughs) Nice comeback.
Dwight: (Coughing) I was making fun of your comeback. That's why it worked.
(Andy rolls his eyes and walks away)
Dwight: (smiling smugly) Totally got the better of that interchange. (coughs sputteringly)

Aaaaaaaand this 'un:

(Dwight is interviewing Andy to be the new Assistant to the Regional Manager)
Dwight: We will begin this interview with a simple test of mental dexterity. What is the best color?
Andy: White, because it contains all other colors.
Dwight: Wrong! Black. It is the most dominant. How do you make a table?
Andy: You make a chair... but you don't sit on it.
Dwight: What is the capital of Maine?
Andy: The capital of Maine is Montpelier, Vermont, which is near Ithaca, New York, where I went to Cornell.
Dwight: Ok, also, moratorium on all Cornell talk, I don't want to hear it. Forget your personal history and learn the history of this company.
Andy: Should not be a problem, I minored in history at the Ivy League school which I attended.
Dwight: You're not off to a very good start, Bernard.
Andy: ...I agree. But in another way... I'm off to a very good start, wouldn't you say?
(Andy talking head)
Andy: I am a great interviewee. Why? Because I have something no one else has: my brain. Which I use to my advantage, when advantageous.
(cut to Andy and Dwight arm wrestling, Andy is about to win when...)
Dwight: (lets go of Andy's hand) Nope! Time's up! You failed.
Andy: (pounds fist on table) Dammit!

I also LOVE the scene where Jim and Dwight pretend to be each other. But I'll be nice, and won't quote it. You're welcome.

Ok, and this one:

Michael: I am downloading some N3P music --
Jim: That's not it. Yep?
Michael: -- for a CD mix tape --
Jim: Close...
Michael: -- for Holly. And I am looking for perfect songs that work on two levels.
Jim: What are the two levels?
Michael: The two levels being "Welcome to Scranton" and "I... love you".
Jim: Okay. Let's start with the "I love you" level.
Michael: Hey, what's the group that was from Scranton that made it big? Was that U2?
Jim: Yes. You don't love Holly.
Michael: I think I do.
Jim: But you just met her.
Michael: Well, it was love at first sight. Actually, it was... no, it was when I heard her voice. It was love at first... see... with my ears.
Jim: Oh, okay, it doesn't work like that.
Michael: Well, you're not a romantic.
Jim: Actually, I think I am. And I have a little bit of experience in office romance.
Michael: Oh really?
Jim: Yeah.
Michael: Like, with who?
Jim: We've been through this.
Michael: Pam?
Jim: Yes, we are still dating. And guess what? I took it slow.
Michael: Yeah, you took it too slow.
Jim: Well, we're really happy.
Michael: This thing with Holly feels a lot like love to me.
Jim: And that's really sweet. And you can think that. But you don't say that out loud, and you definitely don't say it to her.
Michael: I don't want her to get away.
Jim: I know. Here, Michael, you can court her as you get to know her, you know? I mean, the office is a great place for that. Pam and I, we got to know each other right out there. I mean, the first time we joked around was at my desk. And the first meal we ever had was, in the break room, actually. We were at two separate tables and, I remember that. The first time we kissed even, was right outside, and... Look, all I'm saying is that you can get to know someone really really well, like I did, right here at work.
(Jim looks thoughtful, then goes to Phyllis)
Jim: I was thinking... fireworks for the party. What do you think?
Phyllis: Oh boy. I appreciate your help, but I can't --
Jim: Oh, no no no no no, I just meant that I wanted to pay to have fireworks at the party.
Phyllis: Why would you do that?
Jim: ...Because I'm going to miss Toby. Yep, he's a heck of a guy, and I think we should send him off right. It doesn't matter. Here you go. (hands her an envelope full of money)
Phyllis: Really?
Jim: Well, we all want a good party, right?
(cut to Jim in interview)
Jim: I am going to propose tonight. ...Holy crap!

Hooray for that finally happening this season!! And now, HIMYM:

(Barney is lying in bed with a cold)
Barney: This is a low moment for the Barnacle. I should be off playing laser tag right now but instead... don't look at me, I'm hideous!
Robin: You just look like a regular guy.
Barney: Exactly. I'm a Ted! I'm wearing elastic waist fleece pants!
Robin: And isn't it more comfy?
Barney: (reluctantly) Yes.
Robin: (holding up bowl of soup) Come on, you need to eat something.
Barney: Too weak... to hold... bowl.
Robin: Fine, I'll feed you. (holds spoon to his mouth)
Barney: (chokes on soup) Ouchy in my mouth!
(Robin rolls her eyes and blows on the soup)
Barney: I don't want it. I want ice cream.
Robin: No. You're not having ice cream for dinner just because you're sick.
Barney: But my throat hurts.
Robin: No.
Barney: I HATE YOU!!
Robin: Ugh... (gets up to leave)
Barney: (grabs her arm) Don't leave me.

Eeeeee! The sixteen no's are also legen... wait for it... and I hope you're not lactose-intolerant, because the next part of the word is DAIRY!

Oh yeah:

(Barney wants Ted to call him with a fake emergency to get him out of a date)
Ted: I should really make this call. (gets out phone and starts dialing)
Robin: Ooh, can I do it? (grabs phone from Ted)
Barney: (answering phone) Hello?
Robin: (seductively) Hi there, sexy.
Barney: ... Hello, Aunt Kathy! What's up?
Robin: Oh, nothing. Just sitting here, thinking about you, hot stuff.
Barney: An accident? Well, is Uncle Rudy going to be okay?
Robin: Aunt Kathy's got an itch only you can scratch, big boy.
Barney: Oh, God! Why did he think he could build his own helicopter?!
Robin: Come on, daddy, break me off a piece of that white chocolate.
Barney: Well, if he needs a transplant, he can have mine. (tearfully) I'll be right there!
(Barney stammers to his date and gets up to leave, stops by Ted and Robin's booth)
Barney (calmly) See you guys later.

Enough BroTP love. I'm sticking this in here because it describes me, kind of:

(Ted and Marshall are having a swordfight over the apartment)
Ted: Look. Here's why I should get the place: You and Lily, you get to be married. What do I get, right? I get to be unmarried, alone, minus two roommates. And on top of that I could be homeless. Does that seem fair?
Marshall: Oh, boo-frickin'-hoo.
Ted: What?
Marshall: (mockingly) "Woe is me. I'm not married yet. My ovaries are shrinking" -- Ted, if you wanted to be married by now you would be, but you're not. And you know why? Because you're irrationally picky. You're easily distracted and you're utterly anhedonic.
Ted: Anhedonic?
Marshall: Anhedonic. It means you can't enjoy anything.
Ted: The hell I can't. I'm enjoying this.
Marshall: (giggling) I know, this rules!

I love "The Pineapple Incident" almost irrationally, so I'm putting in one instance of Drunk!Ted (with special guest Carl!):

Ted: Did you know that "karaoke" is Japanese for "empty orchestra"? Isn't that hauntingly beautiful?
(Carl doesn't respond)
Ted: ...Are you a vampire?
Carl: I'm cutting you off. Go home and get some sleep, Ted.
Ted: Yeah, the sun's gonna come up soon... wouldn't want to be around for that, would we? Hey, how easy do you think it'd be to sneak into the zoo? I have to see some penguins like, right now.
Carl: Give me your arm.
Ted: (plops arm on bar) 'Kay.
Carl: (writes phone number on Ted's arm) This way, if you pass out in the gutter...
Ted: (chortles) It tickles!
Carl: ...Someone will call me, and I will come get you.
Ted: Thanks, Carl. We can't just be friends! We're attracted to each other, and we both know it!
Carl: Excuse me?
Ted: ...Me an' Robin.

Yeah, shut up, Ted. He stinks with his ways... and his... head...

Marshmallow and Lilypad love:

Ted: If you want to figure out who it is, why don't you just start by checking her list?
Barney: My list?
Ted: Dude, do not pretend you're not the kind of guy who keeps a list of all the girls he's slept with.
Marshall: I have one. It's called my marriage license.
(Lily and Marshall high-five)

And pretentious!Ted:

Ted: Okay, gun violence may be the answer to everything up in Canada, Robin, but here in America, we solve our problems with words. Marshall, you go in there and you dazzle this guy with an eloquent speech defending human dignity. Like Abraham Lincoln.
Marshall: Yeah. Because it's so easy just to bust out a big, eloquent speech off the top of your head.
Ted: (clears throat) Observe:
(whoosh)
Ted-as-Marshall: Arthur?
Arthur: What do you want, Marshall?
Ted-as-Marshall: Justice, sir! You see, we are all born with certain incontrovertible rights. The most fundamentally paramount of which is the right... wait, you can't be fundamentally paramount. One means highest, one means lowest.
Arthur: You are nailing this.
Ted-as-Marshall: Human beings have rights. And those rights are, um...
Arthur: You got me hooked, reel me in!
Ted-as-Marshall: There are certain justices, that cannot... or will not... be inalienable... as such... For the future!
Arthur: (applauding) Bravo! Stuck the landing! (beeps intercom) ...Security's going to rough you up a bit on the way out.

I just love that exchange. Okay, one more to further celebrate Barney's/Neil Patrick Harris's awesomeness:

(Barney has stolen all of Ted's stuff)
Ted: (answering cell phone) Hello?
Barney: (in a deeper voice) Put on the suit, Mr. Mosby!
Ted: Barney, where the hell is all my stuff?
Barney: It's not me. Put on the suit.
Ted: What suit?
Barney: Ding-dong. 'Oh, what's that?' The doorbell.
(Ted starts walking to the door)
Barney: That's the suit I'm talking about!
Ted: I'm not there yet.
Barney: (in his normal voice) Oh, okay, let me know when you get there.
Ted: Okay, I opened it and there's a suit.
Barney: (switches back to deeper voice) That's the suit I'm talking about!
Ted: Barney...
Barney: This isn't Barney! ...But I hear that guy's awesome. If you want your stuff back, do exactly as I say. First: Put on the suit. Second: Meet me at McLaren's in an hour.
Ted: How will I know who to look for since we've never met?
Barney: (thinks about it for a while) ...I look like Barney.

Sorry!! I know this profile is long (and you who just finished my latest installment of Lost in 17 know that I have a tendency to write long things), but I just love quotes! Also, since I'm a very quiet person in real life, I think I'm overcompensating so DEAL WITH IT. Here's a shortish (non-musical) quote from Flight of the Conchords:

Bret: So he wouldn't serve us basically just because we're from New Zealand.
Jemaine: Is that the norm?
Dave: Well, you guys are in America now, and there's a lot of prejudism here. Especially towards people like you.
Bret: What do you mean, "people like us"?
Dave: Well, you know, the English and whatnot. Redcoats, the oppressors.
Jemaine: We're not... English...
Dave: Be that as it may, Jemaine, you're pretty much the most disliked race in the whole country.
Jemaine: What... what about black people?
Dave: They don't like you, either. Neither do the Chinese... the Asians... Polish, Russian, Cro-Asians... even the Indians.
Bret: Yeah, but Dave, you're Indian. Do you hate us?
Dave: ...Yeah. Sometimes.
Jemaine: ...But you're our best friend.
Dave: I know.

I would now go on to quote the entire lyrics of "Robots" and/or "Not Crying" and/or "Most Beautiful Girl in the Room", but I think you all would shoot me.

Finally, because this profile wasn't long enough... a Lost moment. It's a serious quote, and it probably doesn't read as well as watching the actual scene does, but it is my absolute favorite moment EVER on Lost. Except maybe when they finally reunite, but there's not as much dialogue there. Plus, being longer (yay long quotes!), it's more tearjerky. (This is from The Constant. Happy sigh!)

Penny: Just... just say what you have to say and go.
Desmond: I know this doesn't make any sense, because it doesn't make any sense to me. But... eight years from now... I need to call you, and I can't call you if I don't have your number.
Penny: (stares incredulously) What?
Desmond: (desperately) Look, Penny, just give me your number, and, and I know I've ruined things, and I know you think things are over between us, but they're not. If there's any part of you that still believes in us... (whispers) just give me your number.
Penny: And who's to say you won't call me tonight, or tomorrow?
Desmond: I won't call for eight years. December 24, 2004. Christmas Eve. I promise. Please, Pen.
Penny: (close to tears) If I give you the number, will you leave?
Desmond: Aye.
Penny: ...7946-0893.
(Desmond repeats the number, whispering.)
Penny: All that, and you're not going to write it down?
Desmond: It wouldn't do any good. You have to keep that number. You can't change the--
Penny: (shoves him away) Just get out, get out!
Desmond: --just remember, December 24, 2004. If you still care about me you'll have to--
(The door slams in his face.)
Desmond: I'm not crazy, Penny! You have to believe me! You have to--
(Desmond reappears on the freighter in 2004.)
Desmond: --trust me.
Sayid: I do trust you. But you still have to remember that number.
Desmond: 7946-0893. (repeats number) It's a London number.
Sayid: Excellent timing. The patch is done, but I don't know how long the battery will last. I hope she's there.
Desmond: (softly) I hope so, too.
(phone rings as 1996 Desmond walks around sadly; someone answers)
Penny: Hello?
(1996 Desmond stops and smiles to himself)
Desmond: ...Penny?
Penny: (voice breaking) Desmond?
Desmond: (smiling) Penny. Penny, you answered. You answered, Penny.
Penny: Des, where are you?
Desmond: I'm... I'm on a boat. Um-- I've been on an island and... oh my god, Penny, is that really you?
Penny: Yeah! Yes, it's me!
Desmond: You believed me. You still care about me.
Penny: Des, I've been looking for you for the past three years. I know about the island. I've been researching-- (static) --and then when I spoke to your friend Charlie, that's when I knew you were still alive. That's when I knew I wasn't crazy. (static) Des, are you still there?!
Desmond: Yes, yes, I'm here! I'm still here, can you hear me?
Penny: Yeah yeah, that's better.
Desmond: (tears in his eyes) I love you, Penny. I've always loved you. I'm so sorry. I love you!
Penny: (tears in her eyes) I love you, too.
Desmond: I don't know where I am, but--
Penny: --I'll find you, Des--
Desmond: --I promise--
Penny: --no matter what--
Desmond: --I'll come back to you--
Penny: --I won't give up--
Both: I promise. I love you!
(static cuts them off)
Sayid: I'm sorry, the power source went dead. It's all we have.
Desmond: Thank you, Sayid. It was enough.
Sayid: Are you all right now?
Desmond: Aye. I'm perfect.

(sniffle) Okay, enough. Peace out! --Da Phoenix--