Name: Jesse
Location: US

The next chapter of Akuma no Naruto and A Flame's Caress (along with a revision of chapter 2 and 3) are on their way. -09/09/09

Working on a complete overhaul of A Flame's Caress (only halfway through editing chapter 1), as well as the next chapter of Band of Nine, which I haven't started yet... -10/01/09

Likes:
Naruto - Dark!, Genjutsu!, Kenjutsu!, ANBU!, Nar/Anko, Nar/Hana, Nar/Hanabi, Nar/Tayuya, Nar/FemHaku, Nar/Kurenai, Naruto-creates-his-own-village, Naruto-goes-to-war, Nar/Bleach crossovers
Harry Potter - Dark!, Unspeakable!, Brother-of-BWL!, Azkaban!, HPNT, HPBL, HPNM, HPFleur, HPGab, HPOC, HPDG, HPPP

Dislikes:
Yaoi. Plain and simple. This includes Mpreg, which is fucking disgusting. Whoever thought that shit up (and whoever writes it) can go burn in fucking hell. I'm not even religious.
Weak, loser Harry Potter who's a goody-two-shoes and is Mr. Noble.
A Naruto who yells "Believe it!" and is obsessed with saving Sasuke. As a result, I also hate Kishimoto and canon-Naruto.
Emo Sasuke.
Fem!Sasuke. Transforming characters from boys to girls is only acceptable when the boy looks like a girl. IE: HAKU. Fem!Sasuke is the result of the author's subconscious love of Naru/Sasu yaoi that has been forcibly suppressed so as to not make everyone hate them.
Fem!Itachi. Same as above.
authors who use the following phrases..."believe it!" ... "trademark/patented foxy grin" ... "precious people" ... "that's my nindo!"
authors like sindragon (check bottom of profile to see what I mean)

Original Techniques (order by appearance in the Band of Nine)

Mugen Orugasumu no Jutsu - Orgasmic Dreams Technique
The victim of this genjutsu experiences extreme pleasure rather than pain, and since shinobi are used to pain, it will make this technique much harder to dispel.

Hansetsu no Jutsu - Half-Size Technique
The victims shrink until they are half their original size. You can not use this technique on someone who is already half sized nor on anyone who is less than double your height. This means that this technique is only good for really short people (children) or against really big opponents.

Raiton: Shurai - Lightning Release: Lightning Strike
User's hands are enveloped with lightning, giving his punches a much more lethal edge.

Raiton: Raigeki - Lightning Release: Lightning Strike
Different from Shurai, the user uses this to call down lightning from a chakra-made cloud to strike the opponent.
Literal meaning is "being struck by lightning (noun)".
If you every played with Yugioh cards, you'll recognize Raigeki.

Katon: Kuro Karyuu Endan - Fire Release: Black Fire Dragon Flame Projectile
User blows out a dragon made of black flames and uses it to burn things...or people.

Doton: Sekkai Gusoku - Earth Release: Stone Armor
Gathers the earth around the user to form a suit of armor made of stone. The more chakra used, the harder it will be. More experienced users can make it as hard as steel.

Doton: Sekifu - Earth Release: Stone Axe
Forms an axe made of stone around the user's hand. The more chakra used, the harder and bigger it will be. More experienced users can make it as hard as steel and as light as a feather.

Doton: Sekyari - Earth Release: Stone Spear
Forms a spear made of stone in the user's hand. The more chakra used, the harder and longer it will be. More experienced users can make it as hard as steel and as light as a feather.

Katon: Kasen - Fire Release: Fire Arrow
User forms arrows out of fire and flings them at the target. Must first have fire to shape before using. Usually combined with Katon: Goukakyuu.

Katon: Shoidan - Fire Release: Fire Bomb
User forms a ball of flame, but condenses it into a very small, compact ball. User then throws the bomb. The moment it hits something, it will explode. Due to it being compressed, the explosion is much larger than normal. The flames are also hot enough to burn humans to a crisp. This technique requires a large amount of control.

Katon: Kaensho Haki - Fire Release: Flame Thrower
Smaller version of the Katon: Goukakyuu. Due to its smaller size, the user can focus it in one area, unlike the Goukakyuu, which is a wide-scale destruction technique. This also makes it more powerful. Perfect jutsu to start a forest fire.

Katon: Kazangan Kotetsu - Fire Release: Lava Armor
Utilizing his mastery over fire, Naruto coats the earth with his fiery chakra and forces it to cover him, basically encasing him a suit of armor made of lava.

Katon: Hidama no Hitoame - Fire Release: Shower of Fireballs
Basically, this technique creates a firestorm. Fireballs the size of a small meteor will rain down on the enemy. This can be considered the big brother of the Katon: Housenka, which releases small fireballs the size of a shuriken. Ranked S for its destructiveness and difficulty to master.

Magen: Gokusotsu - Demonic Illusion: Hell's Tormenting Devils
Shows the victim what it would be like to suffer at the hands of the devils of hell.

Ideas for some future stories:

Four Maplestory stories each based on one of the jobs. Way of the Warrior will be about a spearman, Doctrine of the Archer will be about a bowman, Creed of the Thief will be about an assassin, and Arcane Archives of the Mage will be about an I/L mage.

A Star Wars kinda fic where Dark!Female!Revan (Old Republic) decides to rule the galaxy. She goes off to several worlds that won't be part of the Star Wars universe and some that are to recruit her generals. Dark!Naruto, Aizen (from Bleach), Anakin Skywalker/Darth Vader, Dark!Harry Potter, and some other people will be recruited. Haven't really thought much about who will be part of Revan's council of generals. Only one character from each series will be included.

If anyone wants to try to write their own stories using any of these ideas, go ahead, but please message me first so I can read it too.

I do not own any of the characters in my stories except for the ones you do not recognize.

Recommended Harry Potter Stories:
Evil Be Thou My Good by Ruskbyte. 40k words oneshot, based on the Hellbound/Hellraiser series. It is the SCARIEST story I've ever read.

Grainne and its sequel Surviving to Live by jenonymous. Unbelievable HPOC story with romance, drama, and action. It's also really tear-inducing...

Do Not Meddle in the Affairs of Wizards by Corwalch on HP Fandom. It's a bash against all the characters. No cheesy "Oh I forgive you" bull either.

A Black Comedy by nonjon. It's complete, it's over 100k words (it's over 200k words too!), it's hilarious, and it's original. What more can I say?

The Lord of Caer Azkaban by Rorschach's Blot.

The Denarian series by Shezza88.

The Dark Wars series by Marquis Black.

Recommended Naruto Stories:
A Mother's Love by by lord of the land of fire.

There's also several spinoffs/prequels: A Father's Love. A Mother's Love: Fire and Blood. A Mother's Love: Life of Kushina.

All of pudgypudge's stories.

All of LD1449's stories.

All of EroSlackerMicha's stories.

Kage no Naruto by The Artful Lounger. Evil!Naruto with shadow powers from one piece! This story also happens to be the best decent non-oneshot Evil!Naruto story on this website.

All of 26-Lord-Pain's stories. The Soul Caliber xover story by 26-Lord-Pain is an excellent Evil!Naruto story.

All of kyugan's stories.

The True Monster by lord of the land of fire.

The Greatest Shinobi War by Lord Bear. Naruto/OC. amazing and well written story that shows Naruto being sent to a civilian-only village (where he PRETENDS to be a civilian), and falls in love with another civilian girl while at the same time, training to defeat Akatsuki. Obviously, the civilian girl turns out to also be a ninja. It's been discontinued though...

Medicinal Lullaby by Shivakashi. Features Naruto with a daughter.

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.

Elmo: Aw, fuck... Can't a brother just deal some GODDAMN DRUGS?

Murphy's Law: What can go wrong, will go wrong, and would do so in the worst way.

"Evil is entertaining. Good...has a way of boring people." -Lance Morrow

"I'd rather be hated for who I am than loved for who I am not."- Unknown
One of the stupidest sayings ever.

Do YOU remember the 90s??

Just because you were born in '97 doesn't mean you're a 90's kid. It's not like you could remember the original Simpsons. I am sorry but three conscious years of the 90's just wont cut it. You're a 90's kid if you remember:

You remember watching -Doug -Ren & Stimpy -Pinky and the Brain -AAAAAAAH Real Monsters! -Rockos modern Life. -Animaniacs -Gargoyles
You've ever ended a sentence with the word "PSYCHE!"
You just cant resist finishing this . . . "in west Philadelphia born and raised . . ."
You remember -Step by Step -Family Matters -Dinosaurs -Boy Meets World-Full house
You remember when it was actually worth getting up early on a Saturday to watch cartoons.
You remember reading "Goosebumps"
You still get the urge to say "NOT" after (almost) every sentence . . . not
When everything was settled by -rock paper scissors or -bubble gum bubble gum in a dish or -ms. mary mack
When kick ball was a daily activity.
When we used to obey our parents
You used to listen to the radio all day long just to record your FAVORITE song of ALL time on a tape.
You remember when Super Nintendos and Sega Genisis became popular.
You remember The Original Game Boy.
You always wanted to send in a tape to America's Funniest Home Videos . . . but never taped anything funny.
You remember watching -The Magic School Bus -Wishbone -Reading Rainbow -mr.rodgers neighbor hood-and Ghostwriter on PBS
You remember when Yo-Yos were cool.
You remember those Where's Waldo books.
You remember eating Warheads and Splashers Gum.
You remember watching -the 1st Batman -Aladdin -Ninja Turtles -ghost busters
You remember Ring Pops.
you remember when every thing was "da BOMB!"
You remember boom boxes .vs. cd players.
Making those little paper fortune things, and then predicting your life with them.
You played and/or collected "Pogs"
You had at least one Tamagotchi, GigaPet, or Nano and brought it everywhere.
One word. . . . . . . .trolls.
Windows 95 was the best.
You watched the original cartoons of -Rugrats -Wild Thornberry's -Power Rangers -Rocket Power.
All your school supplies were "Lisa Frank" brand.
You collected those Beanie Babies.
You remember Carebears
You know that Lambchop's song never ended.
Silver dollars, which were cool to have.
Everyone watched the WB.
If you even know what an original walkman is.
You know the Macarena by heart.
"Talk to the hand" . . . enough said
You went to McDonald's to play in the playplace.
You remember playing on merry go rounds at the playground.
Before the MySpace frenzy . . . Before the Internet & text messaging . . . Before Sidekicks & iPods . . . Before PlayStation3 or X-BOX 360 . . . Before Spongebob . . . Before Tupac was shot.
When light up sneakers were cool.
When you rented VHS tapes, not DVDs.
When gas was 0.95 a gallon.
When we recorded stuff on VCRs.
You had slap bracelets!
You Actually played outside until it was dark!
You had a furbie and grew sick of it because it wouldn't shut up!!
Way back. Before we realized all this would eventually disappear.

Post this in your profile if you remember these days . . . .

If you believe that there aren't enough Tayuya pairings, put this in your profile and add your name to the list: Tergar of Konoha, Artful Lounger, BloodySeraphim

If you think Masashi Kishimoto is ruining Naruto and agree, copy this, put it in your profile, and add your name to the list. The Fifth Rider of Armageddon, Hiroshima Namikaze, Zaara the black, desuta, Reikson, D-reaper X-20, blackstardragon624, chinoodin, The Silver Blossom, RasenganFin, Raidentensho, Knives91, Kingkakashi, DarkSamuraiX1999, THE HEE-HO KING, Wirespeed91, Naruto 21, GraityTheWizard, GuyverZero, durwin, Hakkyou no Yami, VFSNAKE, Stormrunner56, Haru Kitsune, DragonMaster4381, Demon Wraith, BloodySeraphim

Here is a list of conducts that should always be observed:

Spell check all stories and poems. There is no excuse for not doing this. If you do not have a word processor that has the spell checking feature, use a search engine such as Google.Com to find one. Proofread all entries for grammar and other aspects of writing before submission. 'Hot off the press' content is often riddled with errors. No one is perfect but it is the duty of the writer to perform to the best of his/her ability. Respect the reviewers. Not all reviews will strictly praise the work. If someone rightfully criticizes a portion of the writing, take it as a compliment that the reviewer has opted to spend his/her valuable time to help improve your writing. Everyone here is an aspiring writer. Respect your fellow members and lend a helping a hand when they need it. Like many things, the path to becoming a better writer is often a two way street. Use proper textual formatting. For example: using only capital letters in the story title, summary, or content is not only incorrect but also a disregard for the language itself.

This is quoted directly from the GUIDELINES, which viewers are supposed to accept before being allowed to post stories. I try my best to tell authors that their spelling or grammar sucks, and that they need to work on it (of course, there really isn't a "nice" way to say it), and all I get in return is "fuck you! go suck it! live with it!" or other such bs. If you can't fucking spell, don't fucking post. It's because of that that the internet is so fucked up.

Fanfiction quality has gone down the fucking drains. I found a shitload of Naruto harem stories, and I was practically dancing with joy. Then I read the first chapter. And promptly closed the window. Plotholes, wrong information, terrible grammar/spelling, no sense of smoothness...Shame on all of you authors who post shitty stories.

This is a DIRECT COPY AND PASTE from pudgypudge's profile (and I have permission too). I agree 100 percent with what he says here. I just wish more people did too.

The Cliche Rant--Will Be Added to as Necessity Dictates (Whenever I Get Pissed Off at Something Stupid)

You know, there are just some things in the realm of Naruto fanfiction that need to go away. There are some cliches that need to go bye-bye. You know which ones they are, I know which ones they are, we all know which ones they are. I'm speaking, of course, about the cliches as old as fanfiction itself.

The Mask--This cliche needs to disappear from the vocabulary of all fanfiction writers. Naruto is a certified idiot, folks. If you want to portray him as smarter than he is, then by all means do so. Just don't say he 'hides behind a mask of stupidity'. It's old, it's gaudy, it's got to go. There should be no place anymore for this phrase.

Precious People--This one is almost as bad as the Mask. For the love of God, people, do you not have access to other forms of this phrase? Call them his beloved friends, his loved ones, ANYTHING but Precious People. Every time I see this phrase (and I know that earlier on I was guilty of it as well) I get the urge to kill. Please, get a thesaurus.

Sakura-chan tried to kill me so I ran off--Please, please, please, be more inventive than that. The bitch wouldn't do that. And if she would, then build it up to that. Spontaneous homicide because your teammate didn't bring your bishonen back just isn't realistic, no matter how grief stricken you are. Find a better reason.

The Council--Ok, I'm guilty of this as well at times. I admit it. But I'm trying to give reasons for everything. In truth, there really isn't a Council. It's a plot device made for fanfiction because they're an evil entity out to get our boy. And that's fine. But not everyone is out to get Naruto. Again, you need motive.

Self-placement in a story--No, just...no, ok? Don't do it. It's not cool. You're not a ninja, you never will be a ninja, and if you feel the need to write that you could be a ninja in the Naruto world, please, drink some whiskey and rub that shit out.

Flamers--Yes, they are a cliche. Yes, they should go away. Their parents never told them about the 'if you don't have anything nice to say' rule. It doesn't apply to constructive criticism, it just applies to being an asshole.

Bad Grammar--Come on, folks. Is it really that hard to write at at least a high-school level? Sound out what you've written and see if it sounds right. If it sounds like something that your three year old brother just babbled while he was shitting himself...don't put it up. Find a Beta Reader. There are people out there who are willing to help. And Remember...Huk-ed on Puh-honics wukked fuh may!

Abandoned Fics--You know who you are...you rat bastards...

Cookie-Cutter Canon Complacency--Everyone is guilty of this. Everyone at some point in their Fanfiction career. But that does not mean that you should not diverge at some point. I won't begrudge anyone for sticking close on their first fic. But if you have the imagination and you have the ability, it is absolutely CRIMINAL if you don't put that brain of yours to use.

Harems--Now, this one is a little touchy, I know. But seriously, folks, not every chick is interested in the same guy. And most girls aren't willing to share. Deal with it. Harems are a fun part of reading, but they can get old after a while, unless done tastefully. You build up an immunity to them...like porn...

Using Leet Speak or IM speak in a fic--I will fucking stab you through the computer screen! NO, people, just NO! Stop murdering the English language!

Misspelling Words That You Should Know--It's not Kanaha, Kohana, Kahono...it's KONOHA! This pisses me off so much. How can you read something over and over and still get the name of a person or place wrong? It doesn't even sound right! I can understand the swapping of letters because you're writing fast, but come on, every time you write something? That's like Naturo talking to Kakishi about Sasugay and Sukaru's love affair. See how annoying that was? DON'T DO IT!

Sasugay/Sas-uke--Seriously, the joke is old. It was funny when I first started reading fanfiction, but now it's juvenile and just plain annoying. Now when I see this I roll my eyes. If you're trying to be clever and poke fun at a character's seemingly hidden closet case of being gay, then do so in an original way. Use your head and put him in a situation where it's funny. Saying "Sasugay, you're gay. Your name even says it" isn't funny.

These are a few of my favorite things...not. Seriously, folks, there are just some things that can kill a story for me. I'll try to keep reading, but even I have to admit that it's hard at times. I try to be original, all I ask is that everyone else try too. Cliches sometimes are unavoidable, but some...just try, okay? Thank you.

I've finally caught up to canon in terms of Naruto.

Danzou being the Hokage and putting a kill order on Sasuke. LOVE IT! FINALLY!

Sasuke going "We're going to the kage meeting to kill all five kages..." pisses me off. IS THERE NO END TO HIS ARROGANCE?!

That small skirmish between Team 7 and the Kumo team I loved as well. I want to see more of the Kumo guys. They are awesome. Unlike Team 7.

Naruto sucks balls. He's a stupid little shithead who should die. Unlike some people, I didn't mind how he basically preached his way through to Pein, although I admit that was a shitty way to end their battle. I even started to think, "ok so Naruto is getting better". And then, the whole thing about bringing Sasuke back comes up again. And my respect for Naruto went from very little to beyond non existent. "Ooh, you guys can hit me to make yourselves feel better about Sasuke attacking your village and capturing your master! Blahblahblah!" Fuck Naruto and fuck Team 7. And that is why all of my Naruto stories will only feature a Dark/Evil!Naruto.

Please, just take a look at this. I found the link to this story on a forum that bashes horrendously terrible stories.

Falling for a lioness by sindragon
a human tennager was flying to afica to do his dream when sudling it crashing killing his freind making him sole survier when he finds pridelands and certion lioness what going to hapen

My hatred for authors who do mpreg and yaoi is nothing compared to my hatred for this guy. Really? How the fuck can someone post this? Even worse, there were actually a number of reviews that congratulated him and encouraged this trash to continue writing!

Also, he is from Britian, not some Asian or obscure European country. There is NO excuse for posting bullshit like this. It's not just the summary, people! His WHOLE FUCKING STORY is written like that!

Not to mention that this was a (human male) OC and Nala (the female lion) pairing...Disney would gouge their collective eyes out at the bullshit this guy has written. I would too.