PenName: Artful Lounger(I have good and, I hope, original ideas and I am as lazy as hell)

Real Name: you wish

Age: too old

Hair color : silver

Eye color : dark green with flecks of crimson, weird I know

Nationality: British through and through baby!

Gender: Male

My goals: My long term goals are a bit ambitious. Personally I want to eventually be known as a great author of fanfiction. I want people to think of me in the same terms they think of people like Dirty Reid, Uncle Joe, Mr.Lee, VFSNAKE, and those like them. I know its a bit amibitious, but I hope one day to be thought of as their equal.

I am a fan of just about every anime out there (non-yaoi) and I read a lot of books, when I'm out of the office of course.

My personal favorite animes of all time (thus far) are: Bleach, Berserk, Claymore, Elfen Lied, Blood Plus, Mai HiME(NOT Otome), Yu Yu Hakusho, Full Metal Alchemist, the Tenchi Muyo series (except for Tokyo), Death Note, One Piece, Ghost in the Shell, and ,to a lesser extent as of late, Naruto.

I am the definition of a night owl, most of my updates will be late at night or in the incredibly early morning, so don't expect anything in the middle of the day.

I completed a fic called Naruto the Chimera, which is what I started after I scrapped Blood Prophet once I realized that it was a bad idea. Have a look at it, it is a REAL evil Naruto story, not the normal broody emo type of story that you normally get when it says 'Evil Naruto'. It is now completed and the epilogue chapter has descriptions for the choices on what will be my next story, the winner of that was Kage no Naruto, which is listed below, warning, the ending of it sucks.

Here's just something I noticed, Naruto failed the Academy graduation exam twice, but he passed the third one because of the Mizuki incident. Now then, doesn't that mean that he is two years older than Shikamaru, Sakura, Sasuke, and the other Rookie 9? And one year older than Team Gai? Everyone keeps making him the same age as everyone else in the Rookie 9 even though it says he failed twice, it doesn't make sense! Unless they have him join the Academy at a young age, in that case you're alright. It's just something that's been bugging me.

My current stories:

1. Kage no Naruto-

This is a story where instead of leaving him to die, Kyuubi gives Naruto a defense, like Gaara. Not of sand or fire, but of shadows and darkness. Naruto basically has a ton of different shadow abilities from various animes, along with ones fresh out of my mind. Three examples are Gecko Moria's and Blackbeard's abilities from One Piece and Kido's abilities form Yu Yu Hakusho, though there are others. This is currently an evil Naruto story and the pairing is as follows: Naru/Harem (to find out the members you'll have to read the story), and everyone else can more or less go fuck themselves.

Current status- Main Project, quickly updated

Things I like in a fic :

A good plot

A good, well thought out timeline

Believable characters

Lack of bad OC's

Long chapters

Fast updates

Sasuke/Sakura/Kakashi bashing, within reason, the story should not focus on it

puppet-using naruto fics. Like with the NaruTayu pairing I don't know why I like it I just do.

YURI, within reason. Like Sakura and Ino and pairings like that where the characters have a solid history together, and things like that, not just some pairing pulled out of nowhere by fanboys.

Things I hate in a fic:

YAOI, it's EVERYWHERE on this site it's insane

MPREG- WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE!

long waits on updates for good fics

short chapters

Characters who do things the canon version wouldn't (Not applicable in stories where this character is deliberately changed)

fics that make no sense whatsoever

good fics that are discontinued for no good reason, see 'Puppet Master Naruto' by Fettucini, or whatever his name is now, for a good example, I am STILL pissed off that he discontinued it for no real reason.

Anime filler arcs, the two exceptions being the filler arc in Naruto where they introduced Raiga, he was pretty cool, and the Bleach anime's Bount arc, I actually enjoyed it.

bad spelling/grammar SPELLCHECK PEOPLE!

cliff-hangers

many other things

pairings I like:

NaruHina, people don't like it mainly because it's 'overdone'. Just because it is overused, often badly, doesn't mean that the original idea is not good. Gold is still gold, no matter how much it is used.

NaruTema, she doesn't have any horrible prejudice against him.

Naru/femHaku, they were surprisingly close and influential to eachother, there is a foundation to work with there.

Naru/femKyuubi, Only if done well. It is possible that after so long inside another person, their good qualities truly show, and overshadow the flaws. Though it would take a lot of work to give a believable reason why an immortal demon would love a human.

Naru/Yugito, it just makes sense when you think about it. I'm not saying that they would be a perfect match, but there is potential between the two of them, given time.

NaruTayu, one of my favorites, but I don't know why, it's weird. I have no justification on this one, they only met once and they were enemies, the only way this would work is in a story where Naruto is evil and working for Orochimaru, or something like that

NaruTsu, provided it's done well, and there is something like time travel or her becoming young again or something like that. She sees him as somewhat of a mix between her former lover, and her younger brother. Perhaps not the healthiest of relationships, but there is a possibility there.

Naru/Harem, provided it is done well, not just 'let's share him' followed by every girl banging him one at a time. Show some ORIGINALITY, give it time, show jealousy, in-fighting, backstabbing and rivalry for a while before GRADUALLY, having the various women come to a compromise.

Pairings I HATE

Any yaoi pairing: it's just wrong I don't have anything against people who like/read/write it just don't flood the site with it like it already is, okay?

Asuma/Kurenai- They just aren't compatible. Kurenai hates his smoking and he doesn't seem the type to want to be tied down, you know? Those two just aren't right for eachother given their characters, and I think Kishimoto pulled their relationship out of nowhere to put more emphasis on Asuma's death.

ShikaTema- They just don't have the makings of a good couple. Sure, there is sexual tension galore, but the two couldn't stand eachother for any long period of time. If they ever did anything together, it would most likely be a one-time thing that they would likely regret later. The closest I can see them getting is a few dates followed by a breakup, and then after a while remaining semi-close friends.

SasuHina: I just can't see it happening, I mean have those two even SPOKEN to eachother? Seriously, how ANYONE could possibly think that these two could possibly get together in any sort of realistic, explainable fashion PLEASE tell me how, the chains of logic behind it would be fucking indescribable.

You know what, I'll even offer a reward to anyone who openly admits to liking SasuHina, writes SasuHina, or supports SasuHina. A Knighthood! Yes, I will knight you, very clumsily I admit, with this meat cleaver. Any takers?

Sasuke/ANYONE; that stuck up prick deserves to be alone. He's too intent on his ever expanding revenge that he couldn't give a damn about anyone in a romantic light.

Sakura/Anyone; see above except replace "prick" with "bitch" and "stuck up" with "annoying". She's a fangirl that totes on Sasuke's every word and action. Even in Shippuden where Sasuke tried to KILL her she still harbors 'feelings' for him. She needs a heavy dose of reality, and quickly.

NaruSaku: Jesus, I could go on all day about this one and not get tired. Reasons why any relationship between the two would not work:

1) She's a fucking Sasuke fangirl. It took Sasuke going at her with a Chidori with intent to kill her to make her even think that Sasuke might not be a good romantic choice and she STILL goes after him, she just has a bit of doubt now.

2) How could anyone put up with her when she is THAT much of an insufferable bitch 24/7? If Naruto does even the slightest thing wrong, makes the slightest mistake, or does anything really, she hits the poor guy over the head. I swear to god Naruto could have been a fucking genius at the beginning of his academy years, but prolonged exposiure to Sakura and her fist would have turned him into the same fucking moron we all know today. He beat Pain, and she hugs him, and then IMMEDIATELY clobbers him! What the fuck!?

3) When it comes to looks, the only thing remotely appealing is her unique, somewhat, hair color and her eye color which I find somewhat appealing, but those are the only things that I like about her.

4) She is a fucking yaoi fangirl! She hides it pretty well, but what happened when Konohamaru did his little yaoi adaptation of the Oiroke no jutsu? She had a nosebleed and shouted YOU'RE A GENIUS! Are you telling me she's NOT a yaoi fangirl after that? Bullshit. If any guy finds a Sasuke obsessed, violent, loud, idiotic yaoi fangirl attractive, please tell me, I like funny e-mails.

Hinata/any guy EXCEPT Naruto, no other guy matches with her in a pairing as far as I am concerned, especailly Kiba/Hina or Gaara/Hina. Who the hell could possibly make those realistically work? Well, maybe the Kiba/Hina could be explained if Naruto rejects her HARD or dies or something, but aside from that no other pairing has a shot in hell of being believably done without turning her OOC and making up a bunch of bullshit, no offense to those that like the pairings I mentioned.

One overused story type that I am sick of is the "Anti-hero Naruto" you know, the ones where Konoha finally gets rid of Naruto, he gets strong as hell, then Konoha asks for his help, then he gives it after a flashback with which the fault is clearly with Konoha, and goes back after a few chapters of soul searching, then acts all chummy with Konoha again, because "he's too noble" or "there are still precious people" or some overused plot device like that, it's old and dumb as hell, not to mention stupid/retarded.

This next example is taken from an authors note from one of my favorites: Once upon a Midnight Moon(read it, it kicks ass! if only he would update)

Situation: Konoha is under attack, they come to Naruto (whom they faulted for no reason) for help.

Anti-hero Naruto(the one I don't really like, unless it's written well like most of them AREN'T): goes on a rant, flashback, then goes back after a few chapters of soul searching because of some overused plot device.

The sort of Naruto I like and have written a fic with him like this, just to boost the numbers i.e. a REAL Evil Naruto, cold heartless and uncaring: agrees to help, then on the agreed upon date, sits on the Hokage monument and watches Konoha burn, laughing his ass off, then turns to his subordanates and orders them to help the invaders. Now a Naruto like THAT would make a pretty good fic, but sadly I have only seen one fic like that and it's mentioned above the "situation" line. I have finished writing one as such, see 'Naruto the Chimera' and am currently writing a far better one, see 'Kage no Naruto'.

Favorite quotes of all time (thus far)-

You're right, there is no reason to prove you exist, because very soon... you won't- Scar (FMA)

A meaningless effort. One who knows nothing can understand nothing- Ansem (Kingdom Hearts)

A good compromise leaves everyone pissed off- ?

If you give a thousand monkeys a thousand typewriters and let them work for a thousand years, you'll get Shakespeare. If you give one monkey a pen, give him five minutes, and then shoot him, the reflexes of his hand twitching while dying will give you the average yaoi story on Fanfiction.net- Evilshroom

Time for plan get the fuck out of here- Lanipator (Yu Yu Hakusho abridged)

You can't end a good party without someone on the floor- Yusuke Urameshi (Yu Yu Hakusho)

What's the point in fighting it? Disasters happen whether they are caused by Shadows or human folly- Takaya (Persona 3)

Humans hear what they want to hear, and believe what they want to believe- Takaya (Persona 3)

'Hey how about a handicap?' "Is that another word for coffin?" (Blasts him through a wall)- Goku and Broly (DBZ Movie, not sure of the exact title)

I want to be young and wild, then I want to be middle-aged and rich, and then I want to be old and annoy people by pretending that I'm deaf- Blackadder the Third

Fuego! Pyrofuego! BURN YOU GREASY BAT-FACED MOTHERFUCKERS! BURN!!- Harry Dresden (The Dresden Files, book three)

No, that sir was merely an introduction, an appetizer to my main course of pain- Souketsu (Yu Yu Hakusho)

Naruto Rant-

MISASHI KISHI-FUCKING-MOTO IS FUCKING GAY! He had a good idea in creating Naruto, he IS a genius, I doubt that anyone could come up with half the shit that he has come up with but he has fucked it up so bad, I am expecting him to come out of the closet any day now. He has made both the Anime AND the Manga so Sasgay-centric that it's obvious that he is fucking gay for him. Honestly he is a fanboy among fanboys, his mouth is so far on Sasgay's tiny anime cock, it's not even funny, he is the fucking GOD of fanboys who lust after their own characters. Misashi- IF YOU ARE READING THIS, GET THE MANGA BACK ON TRACK, AND KILL SASUKE , THE PRICK DESERVES IT, REMEMBER THE TITLE IS NARUTO, NOT 'UCHIHA SASGAY GETS HIS DICK SUCKED BY THE AUTHOR!' WHICH IS WHAT YOU ARE TURNING IT INTO YOU GAY BASTARD!

You want PROOF that Kishimoto is gay? Fine. Okay, first or second episode, first or second chapter, early in the series, what happened between Naruto and Sasuke? They kissed. It was an accident between the two, sure, but it was no accident on Kishimoto's part. Then, more recently, in Shippuden, what did Konohamaru do? HE used a version of the Oiroke no Jutsu, that involved him turning into two naked men in a close position, specifically, Sasuke and Sai, OH GOD THE FLASHBACKS! Still, what straight man could POSSIBLY come up with shit like that? Not to mention all the yaoi fanfiction that was spawned in the sick minds of fangirls thanks to those two moments in history.

Then we have the issue behind Naruto's heritage and namesake. He was named after a fucking ramen topping just because he was the main character in Jiraiya's first book who nobody knows about because it sucked. Being named after a character in a dead end book huh? Good idea Minato!

There's also the matter of Naruto beind the Yondaime's son. Who didn't see this coming for about a year or so anyway? Still though, not telling the guy is stupid as hell. To this day, the canon Naruto does not know who his parents are. Why is that? To protect him from the Yondaime's enemies? BULLSHIT! Sure the guy may be one of the biggest idiots in anime but he wouldn't go shouting who his father was from the rooftops in Iwa would he? honestly just tell the little bastard to keep his mouth shut about it afterward or something, don't just leave him in the dark about such information. They act like just him knowing will paint a bullseye on him or something. It's bullshit.

Then he turned Itachi INTO A GOOD GUY AND KILLED HIM! WHAT THE FUCK! He not only killed the guy, he did the equivelent of pissing on his grave. He killed the image of one of his most awesome characters just after actually killing him. This is grade A bullshit in my opinion. I don't care what the canon says, Itachi is a bad guy and you can expect him to be an antagonist in most of my stories, if not all of them.

If killing Itachi is Grade-A bullshit then this bit here is Grade-SSS. Recently in the manga, Sasuke faced the Hachibi Jinchuuriki. He got his ass handed to him, half of his body was blown away in an instant. Yet he still lived long enough for Juugo to fuse some of his flesh into him so Sasuke is still alive. Deux ex Machina anyone?

And that is NOTHING compared to what he did to Pain. They had an amazing fight, but what happens then? Naruto chooses to 'believe what Jiraiya believed in' because he can't answer Pain's question himself, then what does he do? He somehow manages to convince Nagato to follow the same 'passing-the-buck' bullshit, erasing DECADES of belief, justification, and logic in favor of saying 'I'll believe in what my teacher believe because he's dead, therefore the idea can't be challenged and I won't have to come up with an answer on my own because I CAN'T come up with an answer on my own.' Then Nagato goes and kills himself in order to resurrect everyone in Konoha that he killed, Kakashi and Shizune included. WHAT THE FUCK! He did the SAME FUCKING THING THAT HE DID WITH ITACHI! He KILLED the character, and then PISSED ON HIS GRAVE! WHAT THE HELLLL!

He had a very good and original idea, but he royally fucked it up when it came to the idea's execution.

Finally, pant pant MAN THAT FELT GOOD!

note: despite the fact that I used the word 'gay' as a derogatory term, I have nothing whatsoever against gay people.

note: I am very picky about what stories or authors get on my favorites or alerts so to get on there you have got to be pretty damn good, or there is something about it that I really like.

note: Anyone who reads this should check out the profile of a fellow author by the name of TheDon1023, his speculations and the other stuff he puts in his profile is actually pretty accurate.

another note: I don't go searching for stories that much anymore, mostly I find new stuff on the favorites lists of others. It saves hours of searching through vast herds of meaningless shit.

I have seen other authors do this so I will give it a shot as well, my personal challenges to the fanfiction masses:

I have only got a few so far, but I would consider them unique and somewhat difficult, if you are going to accept one of these challenges you must PM me first to get my personal approval as well as giving me the name that the fic will go by, all stories in my challenge list must be rated-M and written to earn the rating, violence, sex, blood, whatever, as long as it EARNS the rating, and must be at least ten thousand words total, and those are the only stipulations.

note: 2/5/09- new challenge added

Naruto- Naruto as one of Diva's chevaliers from Blood+. Pairing would have to be Naruto/Diva, if any pairing at all.

Naruto- Persona 3 Semi-crossover. Nyx was sealed away and sought a way out, and found it in Naruto. Naruto as Nyx Avatar, complete with all of the Arcanas from Fool to Death. The main trick is that he has to go through them in order and can only change to the next one after the previous one is killed. Each one is gradually more powerful, until Death in which the overall fighting power takes a huge jump. After a time of non-fighting, he would revert back to 'Fool' and the entire thing would start again. Each Arcana would have different strengths, weaknesses, and personality. The canon Naruto would be the 'Fool' Arcana. Beyond those restrictions, do with it as you wish, just no Yaoi.

.Hack//G.U.- It is a canon fact that Haseo and Sora from .HACK//SIGN are the same person in the real world. The challenge is to write a story where the guy's memories of being Sora in R:1 never vanished after the Morganna incident. Basically it would be Sora taking Haseo's place starting in ROOTS and continuing on to GU. It's bound to change things a lot since Sora was never one to join a group and is an infamous PK. This just popped into my head one day.

To all who wish to take any of these challenges: I salute you, and I hope you do well on them, if someone takes them I will show them as such and if you do than you must show that the fic was originally a challenge issued by me, that is all.

Good Luck!

note: I may add more challenges, so check back regularly

Naruto fanfics are overpopulated by yaoi, primarily NaruSasu. If you believe me put this in your profile.

Do you like Puppets? Do you just know deep down that Sasori could never have died? Then join the Puppet Association of Konoha! Just add your name to our member roster and post it in your profile to show your pride! changelingchild, crimsonchidori, SasukeSakuraXXxItachiSakura, Serena the Kitsune, Almores, Artful Lounger

If you think that SasuHina is complete bullshit and that the people who came up with it or write it should get a labotomy put this in your profile and add your name to the list. Artful Lounger

If you believe that there aren't enough Tayuya pairings, put this in your profile and add your name to the list: Tergar of Konoha, Artful Lounger

I took that dragon quiz thing at Dragonhame.com and it turns out that my inner dragon is a Night Drake.

In the battle between good and evil your Dragon self is rotten with the stench of EVIL. When it comes to the powers of Chaos versus those of Law and Order, your inner dragon tends to do things by the book. As far as magical tendencies, Magical spells come as natural to the Night Drake as breath from its body. During combat situations, a true Night Drake prefers to defeat opponents by the use of spells and other tactics.