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"If you took porn of the internet there would only be one site,
and it would be called bring back the porn"
Dr Cox - Scrubs

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"The turnip crop has failed again,
My wife’s ran of with a gay guy,
My haemorrhoids are giving me jip,
and the cat just gave birth to gold fish!"
- Billy Connelly

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"This is tied for the scariest day of my life"
"With what?"
"Every other freaking day of my life"
- Scooby doo 2
(please don’t judge me)

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If You Haven’t Contemplated Murder, You Haven’t Been In Love
- Chris Rock

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If Bill Gates staked all his money (88 million) under his mattress, and he fell off, it would take him 18 minutes to hit the ground... how is that fair!!...?

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“There’s the first kind of child who will look at a piece of paper with a sum on it an think 33 =… 6, and then there’s the other kind of child who… eats the paper”
-Jack Dee

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Bakura: Hope you don’t mind if i tag along, oh, and i brought my fangirls
Fan Girls: AHHHHHHHHHH
Joey: God its like hanging out with the freaking Jonas brothers

-LittleKuribo

XxX

Get rid of the daily mail and just have
"DONT GO OUTSIDE! Its full of queers, blacks and crime, oh if only Diana were here"
There all the same, the daily mail everyday
"asbo, Muslims, speed cameras, speed camera, asbo, Muslims, speed cameras"
The sun
"are you a pedo? Are you a pedo? Have a bang on her tits, 16 today, are you a pedo?"
The independent, its like its grabbed you by the throat
"ARE YOU RYSCYCLING? ARE YOU? YOU JUST KILLED A POLAR BEAR! YOU!"
All the while the guardians sitting in the corner fanning its self
"you silly little things, tell'um telegraph"
"CRICKET!"

-Russell Howard

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One day the Gods were bored, so they created the Earth,
But they were still bored, so they created man and woman,
But they were still bored, so they created love,
And they were no longer bored
so they tried love for themselves... and found that it was good.

XxX

Mobiles, Landlines, Tin cans with bits of string,
Every thing, Absolutely Everything,
No phones, Phones all broken,
Hello, anyone there? NO!
Because the Phones Aren't Working!!

-Ianto Jones, Torchwood, Season 2, Sleeper

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Oh thank you Jesus, Santa Clause and Hare Krishna! I need to talk to you!

-True Blood

XxX

"You look like a sad... clown... hooker"

-Glee - Finn to Rachel

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"Lie"
"Yea; totally he visits all the time"
"Lie better"

-Twilight saga - new moon

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Screw you guys I hate High School.

- She’s the man

XxX

Hello, I'm Delia Smith, and today were going to cook a panda.

-Mock the week

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"All I know is that it dont matter how well you think you know someone they can always turn around and kick you in the nut sack"
"But i dont have a nut sack..."

- True blood

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Oh My, what must it be like in your tiny little brains, it must be so boring.

Sherlock Homes - Sherlock

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And a final word from me:
Hugh Dennis: IT'S TOO LATE...GO HOME...THERE'S NOTHING WE CAN DO!