Ok, I'm the good dr.

I am NOT legally a doctor.

Here is the status of my stories (and ideas for stories) and a slightly better description of what they all are.

International Police- Formerly my pride and joy, which shows you just how bad an author I am. It's about an American (named Dale) who is sent to hogwarts to investigate Umbridge, and he is packing a secret (No he is not related to anyone from the series. Nor is he gay, a woman, from the future, or probably anything ever used by anyone else). Is set from OotP onwards (though skipps DH). Just to tell you now that secret is not a cross over. rated T for violence, language, yo moma jokes involving sex, and gore. The character Dale Franlkin is currently on loan to the author A Dash of Yellow for her fanfic In the land of fangirls. Yes my OC is a bit OOC, but deal with it. Will be rewritten, though I don't know if I'll keep the old one up or not.

Toy soldiers- the original is a twoshot about a top secret military team who gets a little caught up in DH events. rated T for violence. The second chapter is set post DH, preepilogue, with the main character telling the story of his internment prior to his death.

Toy soldiers 2867- takes place in the year 2867, and is about a civil war humanity has around 300 years after earth was invaded by aliens. The snag? It's mugglesversuswizards, and who said ET wasn't still at war with earth. (not a crossover, just wanted to use that term, ). Follow the new toy soldiers and the ship Retribution throughout this war. Rated T for violence being rewritten. On perminent hiatus.

What about Gary Stu?- Honestly I'm tired of everyone bitching and moaning about just Mary Sues, maybe it's because I write Gary Stus

(Why I hate Nod infantry- Self explanatory, why I hate Nod infantry from C&C 3 Kane's Wrath. No patriotism, K plus for mild language.

I can not tell a cliche- After reading a parody in which Harry Potter was emo, I decided to parodize emo Harry. Only this time Harry knows he's in a parody and is killed before we even get far into the story.

A less hypocritical Cliche killer fic- The author decides to kill sues WITHOUT creating another in its place. The solution to this problem? Simple, find the most sociopathicdroid from the Star Wars universe and send it to Harry Potter. Primarily a crossover with Star Wars KotoR and Harry Potter, but will have other crossovers later.

A reflection on the idiocy that is the 20th century- A oneshot in which Luna Lovegood, a passenger aboard the Enterprise D wonders what the hell was going through JKR's head when she made the Harry Potter series, and why she has to try and correct the author's mistakes by playing in the holodeck. Oneshot.

Escape- Au in which Tom, Huck, and Jim escape the Phelps farm, with Tom learning several lessons on the way. Jim isn't as free, and the N word isn't used. It's left open ended so I may or may not continue on it.

Ideas for upcoming fics which may or may not ever happen. Take the ideas if you want, just let me know, I'd like to see them.

Rewritting International Police: Completely and utterly overhaulling it, making it much more canon compliant, giving Dale a much better and hopefully more round personality, and starting one year before he goes to Hogwarts (which will be the fourth book), with no secret police or spy stuff. I'm not entirely sure; I'll write a few chapters before I put them up to see if I like them.

A starwars fic set in the Clone Wars era in which a new sith battles the Republic. Will keep canon until about the first season of the clone wars animated series.

A novelization of KOTOR 2. If any pairings they will be the very strange T3/LSF Exile, and maybe Brianna/Mical. Yes the handmaiden will join the party, just because I think Atris would want a spy, reguardless of the Exile's gender.

Donut's Harry Potter fanfiic: In episode 92 Donut says that he has a Harry Potter fanfic when the reds are in the underground caves and Grif and Simmons are talking about men dressed as bats, a sailor, and a sword (which Donut complains they stole from his story). I thought it would be funny to write something with those prompts.

A reflection on the idiocy of the twenty first century- having been kicked out of her favorite holodeck progam by the captain, Luna decides to lock him into a program she found called the Twilight saga. As Picard is forced to portray the character Edward Cullen, the rest of the crew must attempt to free their beloved captain, preferably before his sanity slips away.

Twilight, RvB style: the cast of RVB parodys the one story that has a plot even less plausible than their own, the Twilight Saga. Not sure how I'd do it entirely, because none of the female characters from Twilight are bad ass enough to be Tex. Though I have decided that if I do it, Sister will be without a doubt portraying Bella. Also Tucker will be Edward. Yeah suck on that stupid fangirls! Junior will have to portray the little demon child, just because.

A Twilight fic in which a main character has common sense- a first in the Twilight series/ fanfiction no doubt

What if Dumbledore had taught Harry how to use dark curses? My idea is to have Dumbledore teach Harry dark curses, then wipe them from his conscious mind and only have the curses resurface when Harry is in desperate need.

A HP/ re-imagined BSG crossover- One hundred fifty thousand years later, the guardian angel by the name of Kara Thrace returns without any previous memories and the body of an eleven year old orphan. What if said orphan had magical powers? I'm thinking of having her assigned by fate to protect Harry Potter. Starbuck will be OOC early on as she will be elven year old, and hence not fracking, drinking, smoking, and being an all out bad ass.

I have a profile on fiction press, if you want to read anything else by me click on the link http://www.fictionpress.com/~thegooddr

Things I find strange about fan fiction...

Everyone hates Mary Sues, yet almost everyone has writen one (assuming you use the broadest definition possible).

Chicks think Draco is hot. WTF? He's like a pale anorexic Nazi, when the fuck did that become hot?

Dramione. Again WTF? IT WOULD NEVER WORK!

Snape and anyone. I thought he was always a heartless bastard, regardless of what the seventh book said.

Dumbledore and anyone. The dude's older than McCain, that's just sick man.

Slash. sorry, not my thing.

Everyone forgetting about Gary Stu.

No section for Stephan Colbert's Alpha Squad Seven? That would be hillarious.

I have found proof that the bible is in fact a work of fiction click here!

Stuff from other profiles/quotes/random shit

~HELL EXPLAINED BY A CHEMISTRY STUDENT

The following is an actual question given on University of Washington chemistry mid term.

The answer by one student was so 'profound', that the professor shared it with his colleagues via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well:

Bonus Question:
Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law
(gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being, which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A

Characters in Harry Potter exclaim "Merlin's Beard!" when in surprise. Merlin exclaims "Norris's Beard" when surprised.

Little know fact, in the Harry Potter series the power Lord Voldemort knows not was not originally love, but a roundhouse kick by Chuck Norris. However when JKR realized that her book series would only be two sentences long, she opted for something less obvious.

Voldemort had planned to invade America during the seventh book, but after watching an episode of Walker Texas Ranger, decided to stay out of the Americas forever when he saw a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.

The Avada Kedavra curse was loosly based off of a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.

Lord Voldemort did not willingly split his soul, but instead he had his soul split by a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick that happened a mile away.

A basalisk died from looking Chuck Norris in the eye.

Lord Voldemort is only afraid of Dumbledore... and Chuck Norris.

The Elder wand uses a hair from Chuck Norris's beard as its magical core.

Chuck Norris brought Harry Potter back to life in the seventh book.

Chuck Norris is the reason no one comes out from the veil.

Chuck Norris can read Twilight and not loose any brain cells. However he still kills the first person who mentions anything about sparkling vampires.

All of the Spartan IIs from the Halo series are in fact descendents of Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can power all of the Halo rings and the ark with a single roundhouse kick.

98 percent of teenagers do or has tried smoking pot. If you're one of the 2 percent who hasn't, copy & paste this in your profile.

Ninety-five percent of the kids out there are concerned with being popular and fitting in. If you're part of the five percent who aren't, copy this, put it in your profile, and add your name to the list. AnimeKittyCafe, Hyperactivley Bored, Gem W, Bara-Minamino, Yavie Aelinel, IwuvMyKenshyPoo, Heidiplease, iNsOmNiAc BiLlIe JoE lOvEr, Black Panther Warrior,bright black stars,BirdsofPrey9832, Josephine18, Jedipilot24, AtrumUnas, the good dr.

Weird is good, strange is bad, and odd is when you don't know which to call someone. Weird is the same as different, which is the same as unique, then weird is good. If you are weird and proud of it, copy this onto your profile!

92 percent of American teens would die if Abercombie and Fitch told them it was uncool to breathe. Copy this in your profile if you would be the 8 percent that would be laughing your ass off.

If you think that those stupid kids should just give that God-forsaken Trix rabbit some Trix, copy this into your profile.

If you've ever burst out laughing in a quiet room, copy this into your profile

My best friend is insane! If you agree, or if you have an insane friend, then copy this to your profile.

If you know someone who should get run over by a bus, copy this into your profile (ironically it's my bus driver)

If you're one of those people who get excited when you see just two reviews, paste this into your profile

If you haven't died yet, copy and paste this onto your profile.

If you get really good grades and still know nothing at all, or if you get bad grades but are smarter than most of your class copy and paste this onto your profile.

If you ever read past two in the morning, copy and paste this to your profile.

If you have ever forgotten what you were going to say, right before you say it, copy this into your profile

I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

I'm smiling. This should scare you.

I'm not sure what's wrong... But it's probably your fault. (my step dad thinks this alot)

This place is so weird that the cockroaches have moved next door.

I don't make fun of religion, I just point out all it's flaws.

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when I fall into an open sewer and die.

Dear lord, please give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of the people I had to kill because they annoyed me.

This calls for a pretty subtle hint of psychology and extreme violence.

I've had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

Life isn't fair. It's just fairer than death, that's all.

Some things have to be believed to be seen. (especially if you have schizophrenia)

I don't have to be careful, I've got a gun! (and I know how to use it)

Don't ask me any questions right now. I'm grumpy and I'll probably make fun of you.

If you have ever "accidently" stabbed yourself or someone else with a pencil copy and paste this to your profile.

If you've ever asked a really stupid, obvious question, copy and paste this one your profile.

If at one time you misspelled or forgot how to spell a word less than four letters, copy and paste this onto your profile. (it was first grade alright, I always spelt of as uv)

If you're bored, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you watch the history channel, discovery channel, animal planet, or scifi channel more than mtv, vh1, or any of the "cool" channels paste this to your profile and add your name. the good dr.

genius by birth slacker by choice.

If you have ever tripped over your own feet, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you have ever fallen up the stairs copy this into your profile

If your fashion sense is “is it comfortable?” copy this into your profile

useless fact: you wasted your time by reading this.

If you have ever said something that has nothing to do with the current conversation, copy and paste this into your profile.

If there are times when you wanna annoy people just for the heck of it, copy this into your profile.

If you hate those obnoxious snobby people, PLEASE copy this into your profile.

If you talk to yourself, copy and paste this into your profile.

93 percent of American teens would have a severe emotional breakdown if someone called them a freak. If you're a part of the 7 percent who would ask the person, "What was your first clue?", copy this into your profile.

If you've ever copied and pasted something onto your profile, copy and paste this onto your profile.

If you think Bella Swan from Twilight needs to see a shrink, learn common sense, and get a life copy and paste this to your profile

Quotes from characters/ real people

"I have a gun, in my room, you give me five seconds, I'll get it, I'll come back down here, BOOM, I'll blow their brains out! "
Scott Evil in Austin Powers International Man of Mystery

Dr. Evil: You know, I have one simple request. And that is to have sharks with frickin' laser beams attached to their heads! Now evidently my cycloptic colleague informs me that that cannot be done. Ah, would you remind me what I pay you people for, honestly? Throw me a bone here! What do we have?
Number Two: Sea Bass.
Dr. Evil: Right.
Number Two: They're mutated sea bass.
Dr. Evil: Are they ill tempered?
Number Two: Absolutely.
Dr. Evil: Oh well, that's a start.

"I'm sorry, guys. I never meant to hurt you. Just to destroy everything you ever believed in."

Bender

"Buddha! Zeus! God! One of you guys, do something! Satan, you owe me!"

Professor Farnsworth

"Yes, it's the apocalypse all right. I always thought I'd have a hand in it. "

Professor Farnsworth

God: Bender, being God isn't easy. If you do too much, people get dependent on you, and if you do nothing, they lose hope. You have to use a light touch. Like a safecracker, or a pickpocket.
Bender: Or a guy who burns down a bar for the insurance money!
God: Yes, if you make it look like an electrical thing. When you do things right, people won't be sure you've done anything at all.

"While skin and race are often synonymous, skin cleansing is good, race cleansing is bad. "

Stephen Colbert

"Get your own entry in an encyclopedia... In the media age, everybody was famous for 15 minutes. In the Wikipedia age, everybody can be an expert in five minutes. Special bonus: You can edit your own entry to make yourself seem even smarter. "

Stephen Colbert

"Pain is the body's way of telling the brain it's in trouble. Similarly, confusion is the brain's way of telling the body, "All right, buddy, drop that book." "

Stephen Colbert (I Am America And So Can You!)

"So if animals aren't our friends, then what are they? The answer can be summed up between two buns. "

Stephen Colbert (I Am America And So Can You!)

"Like our Founding Fathers, I hold my Truths to be self-evident, which is why I did absolutely no research."

Stephen Colbert (I Am America And So Can You!)

"I know I never consented to Gravity Without Representation."

Stephen Colbert (I Am America And So Can You!)

"Good news, America! Today you are completely safe and have nothing to fear. It's time for the SafetyUp! No, wait, today's opposite day. ThreatDown!"

Stephen Colbert

"If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn't have declared their independence from it."

Stephen Colbert

"Sticks and Stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me. Unless you throw a dictionary at me. This Is the Colbert Report! "

Stephen Colbert

"The Truth shall set you free! Unless you killed somebody. In which case, tell the cops they were breathing when you left the room. This Is the Colbert Report!"

Stephen Colbert

"I regret that I have but one life to give. I want more lives. This Is the Colbert Report!"

Stephen Colbert

"The way to a man's heart is through his stomach. Just make sure to stab with an upward motion. This Is the Colbert Report!"

Stephen Colbert

"In case of fire, remain in your seats till I'm out of the building. This Is the Colbert Report!"

Stephen Colbert

"I know the knife is suppose to go next to the spoon... but where does the gun go? This Is the Colbert Report!"

Stephen Colbert

"We have barely recovered from the original Y2K. If you don't remember, seven years ago at the stroke of midnight, planes fell from the sky, the banking system collapsed and power grids caught fire from coast to coast. Or so I assume. I was locked in my underground shelter cleaning my zombie rifle."

Stephen Colbert

"Democrats lead in all the polls by at least ten points, except one... Fox News. That is within a margin of error of plus-or-minus the facts."

Stephen Colbert

"I'm not a fan of facts. You see, the facts can change, but my opinion will never change, no matter what are the facts. "

Stephen Colbert

"You can't kill an unarmed, upside down man!"

Dr. McKay

"Well, you don’t exist. You think what my subconscious tells you to think! So, really the idea was mine. realizing Oh, wow! I’m arguing with myself about who had an idea first—me or me. I really am petty, aren’t I?"

Dr. McKay

Dr Rumack: You'd better tell the Captain we've got to land as soon as we can, this woman has to be gotten to a hospital..
Elaine: A hospital! What is it?
Dr Rumack: It's a big building with patients and doctors and nurses but that's not important right now.

Rumack: Captain, how soon can you land?
Capt. Oveur: I can't tell.
Rumack: You can tell me, I'm a doctor.
Capt. Oveur: No, I mean I'm just not sure.
Rumack: Well, can't you take a guess?
Capt. Oveur: Well, not for another two hours.
Rumack: You can't take a guess for another two hours?

Striker: Surely there must be something you can do.
Rumack: I'm doing everything I can, and stop calling me Shirley.

Rumack: What was it we had for dinner tonight?
Elaine: Well, we had a choice, steak or fish.
Rumack: Yes, yes, I remember, I had lasagna.

Rumack: Elaine, you're a member of this crew. Can you face a few unpleasant facts?
Elaine: No.
Rumack: Alright. If we don't get this plane down soon, I can't even be sure of saving their lives.

Witness: Striker was the squadron leader. He brought us in real low. But he couldn't handle it.
Prosecutor: Buddy couldn't handle it. Was Buddy one of your crew?
Witness: Right. Buddy was the bombardier. But it was Striker who couldn't handle it, and he went to pieces.
Procesutor: Andy went to pieces?
Witness: No. Andy was the navigator. He was all right. Buddy went to pieces. It was awful how he came unglued.
Prosecutor: Howie came unglued?
Witness: Oh, no. Howie was a rock, the best tailgunner in the outfit. Buddy came unglued.
Prosecutor: And he bailed out?
Witness: No. Andy hung tough. Buddy bailed out. How he survived, it was a miracle.
Prosecutor: Then Howie survived?
Witness: No, 'fraid not. We lost Howie the next day.
Prosecutor: Over Macho Grande?
Witness: No. I don't think I'll ever get over Macho Grande.

Boy: Hey mister, can I ask you a question?
Ted Striker: A question - what is it?
Boy: It's an interrogative statement designed to test knowledge, but that's not important right now.

ROC: Voice interface.
Elaine Dickinson: There's an overheat in the core. Please analyze problem.
ROC: There is no apparent overheat.
Elaine Dickinson: Yes, there is, ROC. We read a coreheat. Repeat analysis.
ROC: Analysis confirmed. All systems compute positive.
Elaine Dickinson: Well, not from where I'm sitting, they don't!
ROC: Look, Elaine. Cut the "not from where I'm sitting" shit. It must be a human error.
Elaine turns to the captain Elaine Dickinson: Captain, I think we have a computer foul-up!
Clarence Oveur: I see.
Elaine Dickinson: Well, what do you recommend, Captain?
Clarence Oveur: Maybe you'd better run it through the computer.
Elaine Dickinson: But sir, I already have!
Clarence Oveur: Good!

"We all know it's brutal up there at the front, especially those of us at the rear"

Frank Burns

Leela: Come on, Bender! Your grandmother could push harder then that.
Bender: No crap! My grandmother was a bulldozer!

"Ever since man first left his cave and met a stranger with a different language and a new way of looking at things, the human race has had a dream; to kill him, so we don't have to learn his language or his new way of looking at things."

Zapp Brannigan

"I swear, that young man has killed so many people, I'm starting to think he just might be a government agent."

Dr. Cox

“Newbie, how'd you drop the ball on this one? And don't tell me you cried, or I'm gonna have you banned from the men's room again.”

Dr. Cox

Dr. Kelso: Hey Ace, your TTP patient coded, I pronounced it.
JD: He died?
Dr Kelso: I certainly hope so otherwise that autopsy is going to be a bitch.

“You know, Bob, I've been thinking about all the times that you've manipulated me and toyed withme, and, well, I can't help but recall that children's fable about the race between the tortoise and the pain-in-the-ass chief of medicine that everybody hates. You see, Bob, the pain-in-the-ass chief of medicine that everybody hates kept running out in front of the tortoise and taunting him; but right at the end -- gosh, I'm sure you remember what happened, Bob -- the tortoise bit clean-through the chief of medicine's calf muscle, dragged him to the ground, where he and all the other turtles devoured him alive, right there on the racetrack. It's a...disturbing children's book, Bob, I know, but it's one that stuck with me, nonetheles”

Dr. Cox

"Lady, people aren't chocolates. Do you know what they are mostly? Bastards. Bastard-coated bastards with bastard fillings. But I don't find them half as annoying as I find naive bubble-headed optimists who walk around vomiting sunshine."

Dr. Cox

Woman: Hi cutie! Since you have so many balls, and too many toys can be overstimulating for an infant, Brantley here was wondering if he could borrow one to play with!
Dr. Cox: Oh, that's funny, because Jack here was just wondering why the crazy lady who just spent the last hour chainsmoking and talking on her cellphone while her kid ate sand, would come over to two complete strangers and give them parenting advice.
Jordan : Oh, he also thanked me for not naming him Brantley.

"Try to imagine yourself in the Cretaceous Period. You get your first look at this "six foot turkey" as you enter a clearing. He moves like a bird, lightly, bobbing his head. And you keep still because you think that maybe his visual acuity is based on movement like T-Rex, he'll lose you if you don't move. But no, not Velociraptor. You stare at him, and he just stares right back. And that's when the attack comes. Not from the front, but from the side, from the other two 'raptors you didn't even know were there. Because Velociraptor'sa pack hunter, you see, he uses coordinated attack patterns and he is out in force today. And he slashes at you with this- a six-inch retractable claw, like a razor, on the middle toe. He doesn't bother to bite your jugular like a lion, oh no... He slashes at you here, makes slashing motions below the child's chest or here... above the groin Or maybe across the belly, spilling your intestines. The point is... you are alive when they start to eat you. So you know... try to show a little respect."

Dr. Alan Grant

"T. Rex doesn't want to be fed, he wants to hunt. Can't just... suppress 65 million years of gut instinct"

Dr. Alan Grant

"I learned a valuable lesson in my travels. No matter how bad things seem...They can't be any better and they can't be any worse because that's the way things fuckin' are and you better get used to it, Nancy. Quit your bitching."

Church (Red versus Blue)

"I got half a mind to kill you...And the other half agrees."

Church

"Tucker, there's a very fine line between not listening, and not caring. I like to think that I walk that line every day of my life."

Church

"If I was killed by an alien, or a monster, or some sorority blow job massacre, that I could handle."

Church

"Time...line? Oh, time isn't made out of lines. It is made out of circles. That is why clocks are round."

Caboose (RvB)

"I don't want to live in a world without big explosions"

Caboose

"I said it was like a game of Hide-and-Seek, and he said that I was right, he was going to hide from me. And the only way he could win is if he dies without ever seeing me again."

Caboose

"Buenos días, cockbites. Guess who's back?"

Tex (RvB)

"Griff doesn't know what he's talking about? Stop the fucking presses."

Sarge (RvB)

"Put that in a memo entitled "shit I already know"."

Sarge

"Simmons, I want you to poison Griff's next meal."

Sarge

"I LOVE BLOOD AND VIOLENCE! I'VE GOT A BONER FOR MURDER!"

Sarge

"It means what it’s always meant: we rule, they suck. Don’t overanalyze it, pussy"

Sarge

"How do we turn this damn alarm off? Maybe it’s one of those clap things…(claps twice, and the alarms shut off) There we go."

Sarge

"I would just like to let everyone know...That I suck...And that I'm a girl...And I like ribbons in my hair...And I want to kiss all the boys."

Grif

"Don't you think it's ironic that you're about to shoot us because we don't have enough ammo?"

Grif

"I think yelling should be reserved for only the most critical of situations...Like when someone drinks milk from out of the carton!"

Simmons

"Okay is this a joke! Did you guys get into my Harry Potter fan fiction?"

Donut

"No, I mean I always wanted to have the ideal father-son relationship. You know, where I see him for like eight hours every week and send checks to some woman I hate."

Tucker

"Okay, well, I need you to come with me. I’m investigating a critical issue, and you seem to be the only person with the knowledge and experience necessary to help me...and I just realized how ridiculous that sounded once I said it out loud."

Agent Washington (RvB)

"You don’t need to treat me like that. I’m not crazy, okay? I'm totally, completely sane…now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go blow up this dead body."

Agent Washington

"Being wrong isn't a democracy."

Agent Washington

"I'm sorry, did something about my actions indicate that I expect to survive?"

Agent Washington

"I imagine this investigation of our programs is providing you with the attention that politicians crave so much. How very predictable. What has surprised me most about mankind during the great war is not our ability to adapt to the new arenas of conflict, but instead, our willingness in victory to so quickly return to the old."

Dr. Leonard Church

Gary: Hello.
Church: Hello, this is Church, Gary. Or should I call you Gamma? Have you been lying to us?
Gary:Lying is such a shisno concept. I mean human concept.
Church: You're a computer, I thought computers can't lie.
Gary: They can if they are programmed to lie.
Church: Were you programmed to lie?
Gary: (pause) ...No.
Church: God damn it!
Gary: I have to go, Church.

Grif: Come on! That's my sister! And you're looking at her naked!
Simmons: So? She's not our sister.
Grif: Stop looking at her!
Simmons:Why does Donut get to look?
Donut: Hey! Why does the Blue base get so much more natural light than ours? It gives the interior a much more airy and open feeling.
Grif:That's why Donut gets to look.

Vic: This is Blue Command, come in Blood Gulch Outpost Alpha.
Tucker: Hello! Command! We need help.
Vic: Roger that, Blood Gulch, what is your request?
Tucker: I don't know what the technical military term is for it, but we're pretty fucked up down here. We need men.
Vic: ...Dude, how long have you guys been down there?

Church relates Tex's killing of his old squad via flashback
Church: The whole thing was over before it even started. Poor Jimmy was the last one to go. Tex walked up to him, pulled Jimmy's skull right out of his head and beat him to death with it.
Tucker: Wait a second... how do you beat someone to death with their own skull? That doesn't seem physically possible.
Church: You know, that's exactly what Jimmy kept screaming.
Flasback to Jimmy being beat to death with his own skull
Jimmy:'This doesn't seem physically possible!

Simmons: Grif whats wrong? Are my lungs ok? Wait a second, are you smoking inside of your helment again?
Grif: What? No. (Exhales smoke)Oops.
Simmons:Dammit, I knew this would happen. And how many snack cakes have you had today?
Grif: None.
Simmons: ...
Grif: Okay five. ...or more. Baker's dozen at most.
Simmons:Do you even know how many there are in a baker's dozen?
Grif: By my count? Forty eight.

Caboose: You wanted to see me principle Miller
Luitenant Miller: Where's the guy I sent to get ya
Caboose: Oh him, Yeah um... he let me out and then somehow shot himself in the back somehow. Uh but we don't think it was anyones fault, everybody agrees it was an accident
Luitenant Milller: Jesus! would someone go check on him. Caboose, this here is special agent Washington from blue command, he has something fantastic he needs to talk to you about.

Sarge: Sacrificing himself for his CO! What a good soldier. Why can’t you two be more like him?!
Grif: What, brain dead?
Simmons: I would sacrifice Grif for you, sir!
Sarge: I know you would, Simmons, but it’s just not the same thing.
Simmons: (disturbingly eager) No, but seriously, I would. Just give me the word. I’ll do it right fucking now, let’s go, bring it!

Washington:It's an electro-magnetic pulse. Wipes out all computers and circuitry it touches. It will destroy the AI -
Simmons:Ohhhh, you mean an "emp."
Sarge:I was about to say, sounds like he's talking 'bout an "emp."
Washington:"Emp?" That's not how you say it.
Sarge:That's how normal people say it. "Emp."

Computer:Thank you. Fail-safe initiated. Activating "emp."
Washington: "Emp?!" You have got to be fuckin' - (the E.M.P. goes off)

Chairman: Agent Washington, when you find these blue soldiers that you're talking about, what makes you think that they are just going to give you the Epsilon unit?
Washington: Heh, for as long as I can remember, I've been lied to, taken advantage of, shot in the back, and left for dead. And now, I have a way out of all of this. What in the hell make you think that I'm going to ask for it?!

"Suggestion: Shall we find something to kill to cheer ourselves up?"

HK-47

"Definition: 'Love' is making a shot to the knees of a target 120 kilometers away using an Aratechsniper rifle with a tri-light scope."

HK-47

"Yo asshole! This motha' fucka's dead. Ain't no Chris Angel Mindfreak, David Blane trapdoor horse shit jumpin' off here!"

Kirk Lazarus-Tropic Thunder

"I'm a lead farmer, motherfucker!"

Kirk Lazarus

after blowing up a row of palm trees with napalm: "Mother Nature just pissed her pantsuit!"

Cody-Tropic Thunder

I don't know what it's called; I only know the sound it makes when it lies!

Cody

"He's dead Jim."

Dr. Bones McCoy

"I'm a Doctor not a bricklayer."

Dr. Bones McCoy.

"Finally I get the last word."

Dr. Bones McCoy

I'm not a doctor; I'm only a seventeen year old guy, so yeah I'm pathetic.