Hi, my name is Chris. This is my profile! Enjoy!

Quotes

· Don’t take life too seriously. No one gets out alive.

· I don’t suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.

· Backwards understood be only can but forwards lived is life (READ BACKWARDS)

· “Knock, knock” “Who’s there?” “Nobody.” “Nobody who?” “…” “Nobody who?” “…” “Nobody who?!” “…” “Oh.”

· I can’t believe I actually have to work for an education!

· "Everything good in life comes with a bendy straw!"

· A person isn’t stupid. People are.

· “Betrayal is the only truth that sticks.”- Arthur Miller

· If the bait is obvious, don't take it.

· I have been a shameless fake my whole life, but they believe me...and they love me...so...if I turn my back on them now...what would that make me?

· I would never kill anyone unless I thought they were a pest, oh, and there goes the whole world.

· You may look at me and say I have nothing, but when I look at it...I have everything.

· It is not a human’s power that rules the world; it is a human power that destroys it.

· Call me what you will, not that I care what you think

· Bravery of fables and real life are different. Fables make the hero sound fearless. Real life, bravery is being terrified and being able to stand up against it.

· It is not physical strength that wins the toughest battles, it is the mind and heart

· It takes a great deal of courage to stand up to your enemies, but it takes a great deal more, to stand up to your friends.

· Fear can prevent people from making the hugest mistake of their lives...but it also can prevent them from making the best choice.

· Living in fear is not a way to waste a good life.

· Why spiders? Why couldn't it have been follow the butterflies!

· My peanut.

· I've got a jar of diiirt! I've got a jar of diiirt! And guess what's inside it!

o I want my jar of dirt.

o Don't touch my dirt.

· I hate TV. I hate it as much as I hate peanuts, but I can't stop eating peanuts

· Never face facts; if you do, you'll never get up in the morning.

· If life throws something at you, throw it back.

· "When life gives you lemons, say hey, I like lemons. Got anything else for me?"

· Don't reach for the stars you'll just look like an idiot stretching for no reason.

· Last night, I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?"

· I used to have an open mind, but my brains kept falling out.

· Come to the dark side. We have cookies!

· "If ignorance is bliss, then stupidity is a virtue"

· Yes, the rum is gone.

o Whys the rum gone?

o But whys the rum gone?

· Whys the rum always gone?

· Savvy??

· Some days you’re the dog. Some days you’re the hydrant.

· Some days you’re the pidgin. Some days you’re the statue.

· You’re a thief, and a liar.

o I only lied about being a thief.

· There will come a moment when you can do the right thing.

o I love those moments. I like to wave at them as they pass me by.

· Nobody move! I’ve lost my brain.

· Despite the rising cost of living, it is still extremely popular.

· "Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one"

· "Never eat more than you can lift."

· "I stopped believing in Santa Claus when my mother took me to see him in a department store, and he asked for my autograph." -Shirley Temple

· "The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss. Clearly, it is this second part, the missing, that provides the difficulties."

· "Time is an illusion. Lunchtime, doubly so."

· You say I'm not cool? I'm good with that. Cool is a similar form of cold, and if you aren't cold, you're hot. I know I'm hot. Thanks for embracing it. ; )

· "Friends are Gods way of apologizing to us for our families"

· Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them more"

· "Love is a perky elf dancing a merry little jig and then suddenly he turns on you with a miniature machine gun."

· "Death is God's way of saying you're fired. Suicide is humans way of saying you can't fire me, I quit."

· My life has gone from bad, to worse, to a little bit better, then it just fell off the damn cliff.

· "The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it."

· Evil triumphs when good men do nothing.

· There are two times in life when you are totally alone—just before you die and just before you make a five-minute speech.

· If Barbie is so popular, why do you need to buy her friends?

· It is better to be quiet and let people think you're an idiot then to open your mouth and prove it.

· A black man was talking to a white man and said: "I'm black. When I was born I was black. When I grew up I was black. When I'm sick I'm black. When I go in the sun I'm black. When I'm cold I'm black. When I die I'll still be black. But you: When you were born you were pink. When you grew up you were white. When you're sick you're green. When you go in the sun you're red. When you're cold you're blue. When you die you'll be purple. And you have the nerve to call me colored. "

· Always forgive your enemies - Nothing annoys them so much.

· When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

· If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

· I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

· For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

· When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

· Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

· You know the speed of light, so what's the speed of dark?

· Join The Army, Visit exotic places, meet strange people, then kill them.

· I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

· Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

· Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need more.(Friend or Money !)

· Always borrow money from pessimists — they don't expect it back.

· Death is hereditary.

· A consultant is someone who takes a subject you understand and makes it sound confusing.

· Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

· Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference.

· Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level.

· When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, no one forgets.

· Everyone makes mistakes. The trick is to make mistakes when nobody is looking.

· No one is listening until you make a mistake.

· Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.

· They say hard work never hurts anybody, but why take the chance.

· I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.

· If you can't see the bright side of life, polish the dull side.

· Where there's a will, there are five hundred relatives.

· Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

· It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose.

· I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good, either.

· I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

· I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

· Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.

· There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved by a suitable application of high explosives.

· Tell me what you need and I'll tell you how to get along without it.

· Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again.

· I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

· My Reality Check bounced.

· On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the Escape key.

· I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.

· You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

· Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons because, to them, you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.

· Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.

· Mothers of teens know why some animals eat their young.

· Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat
word for word what you shouldn't have said.

· Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching
them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years
telling them to sit down and shut-up.

· Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids.

· Children are natural mimics who act like their parents,
despite every effort to teach them good manners.

· Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like
shoveling the drive before it has stopped snowing.

· The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind
yourself that there are children more awful than your own.

· Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your kids.

· "Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom?"

· A child's greatest period of growth is the month after
you've purchased new school clothes.

· Anyone who says "Easy as taking candy from a baby"
has never tried it.

· Black holes are where God divided by zero.

· I was once walking through the forest, alone, and a tree fell right in front of me, and I didn’t hear it.

· In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence.

· I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”

· I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day ’cause that means it’s gonna be up all night.

· A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me; I’m afraid of widths.

· I broke a mirror in my house, I’m supposed to get seven years of bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

· I don’t know how she did it, but Rachel got poison ivy on her brain. The only way she could scratch it was if she thought about sandpaper.

· Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

· A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

· Curiosity killed the cat, but for awhile I was a suspect.

· Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

· Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!

· On my walls I have pictures of the rooms on the second floor, so I never have to go upstairs.

· When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic... When he gets older, I’d tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn’t obey.

· Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà-vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.

· Sponges grow in the ocean ... that kills me. I wonder how much deeper they’d be if that didn’t happen.

· I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, “Do you know the speed limit here is 50 miles per hour?” So I said, “Oh, that’s OK, I’m not going that far.”

· I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

· You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?

· I saw a man with a wooden leg and a real foot.

· When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I’m leaving.

· I have an answering machine in my car. It says, “I’m home now. But leave a message and I’ll call when I’m out.”

· There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.

· [Referring to a glass of water: I mixed this myself. Two parts H, one part O. I don’t trust anybody!

· I have a hobby. I have the world’s largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you’ve seen it.

· My girlfriend’s weird. One day she asked me, “If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?” I said, “No.” She said, “Okay, forget it.”

· My buddy got busted for counterfeiting. He was making pennies. They caught him because he was putting the heads and tails on the wrong sides.

· I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, “Steven, time to go to sleep.” I said, “But I don't know how.” She said, “It's real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left.” So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said “I thought I told you to go to sleep.”

· Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm

· Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

· I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met

· I intend to live forever - so far, so good

· Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!

· Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States

· Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have

· 24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ...coincidence?

· Many people quit looking for work when they find a job..

· If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

· Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

· What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

· Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery..

· How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

· Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

· Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!

· All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand..

· I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose

· 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

· 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

· A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

· A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

· Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.

· Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

· For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

· Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

· I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen... and replaced by exact duplicates.

· If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

· If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

· If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

· If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

· Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

· Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

· Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

· The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

· The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

· To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism — to steal from many is research.

· the life that flows inside of you burns inside of me

· All the world's a face, And all the men and women merely acne.

· "All people are responsible for the good that they didn't do"

· "For all sad words of tongue and pen, the saddest are these, 'It might have been.'"

· Life is but a dream for the dead

· "Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes."

· "Heaven doesn't want me and hell is afraid I'll take over."

· "Please Note: CHRISTMAS IS CANCELED Apparently you told Santa that you have been good this year...he died laughing."

· "I am a bomb technician. If you see me running try and keep up!"

· Light travels faster then sound. That’s why some people appear bright before you hear them speak.

· To the world, you may be one person but to one person, you may be the world.

· 'In life, the road to darkness is a journey, not a light switch.'"

You can't choose what LIFE is going to 'THROW' at you. You CAN, however, choose what to "THROW BACK!'

“Dude! You like, duded our dude boards!!”

“Like getting run over by a truck made of horror, hauling two tons of stupid.”

For a moment, nothing happened. Then, after a second or so, nothing continued to happen.

And all our yesterdays have lighted fools the way to dusty death.

There's always a light at the end of a tunnel, just make sure it's not the light of a train.

When life gives you oranges, make orange juice, then dump it over someone's head

Why should we try to live in a real world, when everyone around us is fake.

My characters shall have, after a little trouble, all that they desire.

Most people learn by observation, and there are the few who learn by experimentation. And then there are those who actually TOUCH the fire to see if it's really hot.

If you dont like my driving stay off the sidewalk

Why is it when we laugh in school the teachers say do you find something funny? When obviously we do?

Judge me all you want, but keep the verdict to yourself.

You have ONE advantage over me...you can kiss my ass and I can't!!

Whoever said nothing is impossible, never tried slamming a revolving door...

Im a palm reader : Gasp! You'll die, but don't worry. You'll live through it.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted and used against you

I'm in no condition to drive...wait! I shouldn't listen to myself, I'm drunk!" -Homer J. Simpson

Now you won't talk to me for something I didn't do

"Tradgedy is when i cut my finger, Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die"- Mel Brooks

"They mis-underestimated me." -George W. Bush (president)

If you do it you’ll regret it, if you don’t do it you’ll regret it, either way your going to regret it, you might as well just do it

"If the first grape you eat is bitter then you will not bother eating grapes again. If the first grape you eat is a sweet one then you will be willing to eat a lot of bitter grapes in search of another sweet one "

"I don't know half of you half as well as I should like, and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve." -Bilbo Baggins

When you reach the end of your rope, tie a knot in it and hang on. -- Thomas Jefferson

When people say, "I’m so tired it's not even funny" or "my head hurts so much it's not even funny", why would it even be funny in the first place?

Do stairs go up or down?

Why is there a top line on lined paper if we never use it?

Do coffins have lifetime guarantees?

Why do the numbers on phones go down while the numbers on calculators go up?

If Hooters were to become a door-to-door service would they have to change their name to Knockers?

Are children who act in rated 'R' movies allowed to see them?

Can you make a candle out of your earwax?

When French people swear do they say pardon my English?

Aren't the 'good things that come to those who wait' just the leftovers from the people that got there first?

If the swat team breaks down your door do they have to replace it later?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink what comes out"?

Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken over there ... I'm gonna eat the first thing that comes out if its butt"?

Isn't Disney World just a people trap operated by a mouse?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup?

Can you get cornered in a round room?

Why do we wash behind our ears? Who really looks there?

Why don't the hairs on your arms get split ends?

If an atheist has to go to court, do they make him swear on the Bible?

Why is it illegal to park in a handicapped parking space but its ok to use a handicapped toilet?

In that song, she'll be coming around the mountain, who is she?

How come we say 'It's colder than hell outside' when isn't it realistically always colder than hell since hell is supposed to be fire and brimstone?

Why is it that if something says, "do not eat" on the packaging it becomes extra tempting to eat?

Why are people so scared of mice, yet we all love Mickey Mouse?

Wouldn't it be smart to make the sticky stuff on envelopes taste like chocolate?

Why are the commercials for cable companies on cable but not on regular television? Don't they want the people without cable to buy the cable?

"Have you ever noticed that if you rearranged the letters in mother in law, they come out to Woman Hitler?"

Isn't it funny how the word 'politics' is made up of the words 'poli' meaning 'many' in Latin, and 'tics' as in 'bloodsucking creatures’?

Why is it that when things get wet they get darker, even though water is clear??

Why is it when we talk to God we are praying, but when God talks to us we are put into the loony bin?

If your sick for one week and on one of those days they had to cancel school because of snow, do you have to make up that day in June?

Why do you get in trouble for blocking an exit when you're standing in the doorway? In case of an emergency, wouldn't you run out, too, therefore NOT blocking the exit?

If you were under house arrest and you lived in a mobile home, wouldn’t you be able to go anywhere you want?

If you don't pay your exorcist, do you get repossessed?

Why is "number" abbreviated as "no"? When there is no "o" in number?

Why do we teach kids that violence is not the answer and then have them read about wars in school that solved America's problems?

If a bunch of cats jump on top of each other, is it still called a dog pile?

If your name is Mr. Crunch, and you joined the Navy, would you eventually be Captain Crunch?

If all of the Acme stuff doesn't work, why does Wile Coyote keep buying their products?

364 days of the year, parents tell their kids not to take candy from strangers, yet on Halloween, its encouraged! Why is that ?

Why do you have to "put your two cents in" but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

If lava melts rock, wouldn’t the lava melt the volcano?

Are children who use sign language allowed to talk with their mouth full?

Why are there pictures of the sun wearing sunglasses when the purpose of sunglasses is to protect your eyes from the sun?

If marriage means you fell in love, does divorce mean you climbed out?

If people say if you eat dessert before dinner it will ruin your appetite won’t eating dinner before dessert ruin your appetite for dessert?

Can't anybody who has a job go in the "employees only" doors at restaurants? Shouldn’t they be more specific and say "employees of this place only"?

If money is the root of all evil then how come churches ask for it?

Can vampires donate blood?

If you could walk through the walls, wouldn’t you fall through the floor?

Why does the label on children’s Tylenol tell you not to operate heavy machinery or vehicles when it's for CHILDREN!?

Life is an attitude. Have a good one.

It doesn't matter how much years you had in life, it matters how much life you had in your years.

Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

“I don’t discriminate. I hate everyone equally. I hate everyone so much that I made a “hate list”. Then I see you are making a “hate list”, which is my frikkin idea. Now I have abandoned my hate list and created a “hate plaque” with your name on it, and ONLY your name. So now I don’t hate indiscriminately…I hate you above all others.”-- Bruce Prokopets

I was lost in thought . . . it was an unfamiliar territory.

1. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

2. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.

3. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone,
" 'Code 3' in housewares"... and see what happens.

4. Go the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.

5. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

6. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.

7. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask,
"Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

8. Look right into the security camera & use it as a mirror, and pick your nose.

9. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti - depressants are.

10. Dart around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

11. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look"

12. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through,
say "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

13. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream..
"NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"

14. Go into a fitting room and shut the door and wait a while and then yell, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!

15.Grap alot of bouncy balls and throw them down the aisle, shouting "Go, Pikachu, Go"

12. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through,
say "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

13. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream..
"NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"

14. Go into a fitting room and shut the door and wait a while and then yell, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!

15.Grab alot of bouncy balls and throw them down the aisle, shouting "Go, Pikachu, Go"

1-wander through the store dressed in all black with a fake walkie-talkie humming the Mission Impossible theme. When someone asks what you're doing, scream "LOOK OUT!!!" and push them behind a shelf

2-Pass out bananas to random people and snicker loudly after they take one.

3-Buy 350 packets of tuna and scream "THIS CAN'T BE RIGHT!!! YOU HAVE TO PUT SOME BACK!!!" once the cashier tells you the price

4-Walk around looking confused in the CD section and ask someone where you can find some "musical devices"

5-when the announcer-thing comes on, throw yourself on the floor and scream "THE VOICES!!!THEY'RE BACK!!!"

6-start a fish stick fight

7-walk up to random people and give them giant bear hugs. Then scream "I MISSED YA, MAN!!!!!!!"

8-(this requires a friend) Jump in a cart and have a friend push you around screaming "The British are coming!!!"

9-walk up to an employee and murmur "code red in aisle 3" and see what they do

10-attempt to fly off a high shelf

11-throw confetti on random people walking into the store

12-whisper "I know your "little secret"' to people in the checkout line

13-stand inside the freezer at the frozen food section

14-walk up to empoyees and whisper "I saw dead people...They want me to take you away...to aisle 8...

1.) You accidentaly enter your password on a microwave.

2.) You haven't played solitare with real cards for years.

3.) The reason for not staying in touch with your friends is they dont have a screenname or myspace.

4.) You'd rather look all over the house for the remote instead of just pushing the buttons on the TV.

6.) Your boss doesnt even have the ability to do your job.

7.) As you read this list you keep nodding and smiling.

8.) As you read this list you think about sending it to all your friends.

9.) And you were too busy to notice number 5 isn't there.

10.) You scrolled back up to see if there was a number 5.

11.) Now you are laughing at yourself stupidly.

1. Follow them around the house everywhere.

2. Moo when they say your name.

3. Pretend to have amnesia.

4. Say everything backwards.

5. Run into walls.

6. Say that wearing clothes is against your religion.

7. Go into their room at 4 in the morning and say "Good Morning Sunshine!"

8. Snort loudly when you laugh and then laugh harder.

9. Say all of the words in a film.

10. Pluck someone's hair out and yell "DNA!!!"

11. Wear a sticker that says "I'm retarded!"

12. Talk to a pen.

13. Have 20 imaginary friends that you talk to ALL the time.

14. Try and climb the wall.

15. In public yell "NO MUM I WILL NOT KISS YOU!!!"

16. Put pegs on your nose and eyes.

17. Switch the light button on and off for awhile. Then say "Oh...I get it!"

18. Eat your hair.

19. Hold there nuts and say u have alot of food down there

20. When you shower or bath yell "I'm drowning!!!!"

21. At everything they say yell "LIAR!!"

22. Pretend to be a phone.

23. Try to swim in the floor.

24. Tap on their door all night.

1. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming “Andre, Andre, I’ve got the secret documents!!”
2. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, “I’m SOOO sure that you can hear me thinking.” Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.
3. Bring a Game Boy. Play with the volume at max level.
4. On the answer sheet find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.
5. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say “They’ve found me, I have to leave the country” and run off.
6. 15 min. into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out “Merry Christmas.” If you’re really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every 15min.
7. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and nothing else.
8. Come down with a BAD case of Tourette’s Syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar as possible.
9. Bring things to throw at the instructor when she’s not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.
10. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.
11. Every 5 min. stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the exam.
12. Turn in the exam approx. 30 min. into it. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was.
13. Get the exam. 20 min into it, throw your papers down violently, scream out “Screw this!” and walk out triumphantly.
14. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (ie. Threaten the instructor that whether or not everyone’s done, they are all leaving after one hour to go drink.)
15. Show up completely drunk (completely drunk means at some point during the exam, you should start crying for mommy).
16. Comment on how good the instructor is looking that day.
17. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 min, put on a white mask and start yelling “I’m here, the phantom of the opera” until they drag you away.
18. If the exam is math/sciences related, make up the longest proofs you could possible think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life story.
19. Try to get people in the room to do a wave.
20. Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right next to you. Pray to it often. Consider a small sacrifice.
21. During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs, anything you can reach.
22. Puke into your exam booklet. Hand it in. Leave.
23. Take 6 packages of rice cakes to the exam. Stuff at least 2rice cakes into your mouth at once. Chew, then cough. Repeat if necessary.
25. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About 5 min into it, loudly say to the instructor, “I don’t understand ANY of this. I’ve been to every lecture all semester long! What’s the deal? And who the hell are you? Where’s the regular guy?”
26. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don’t know one, make one up!
27. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out.
28. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, “the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!”
29. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the instructor’s requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai.
30. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.
31. Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last15 minutes. Wake up, say “oh geez, better get cracking” and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early.
32. If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the integral symbol.
33. Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor’s left nostril.
34. Bring cheerleaders.
35. Bring pets.
36. Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.
37 Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of the profits if they are allowed to stay.
38. Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If it is a multiple-choice exam, spell out interesting things (DCCAB. BABE. etc..).
39. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i.e. Threaten the instructor that whether or not everyone’s done, they are all leaving after one hour to go drink)
40. Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the class is very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight for your right to take the exam.
41. Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing loudly, say “you don’t really expect me to waste my time on this drivel? Days of our Lives is on!!!”
42. Bring a water pistol with you. Nuff said.
43. Start a brawl in the middle of the exam.
44. Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the exam. Insist this person is needed, because you have bad circulation.
45. Bring cheat sheets FOR ANOTHER CLASS (make sure this is obvious… like history notes for a calculus exam… otherwise you’re not just failing, you’re getting kicked out too) and staple them to the exam, with the comment “Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit.”
46. When you walk in, complain about the heat. Strip.
47. Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around like they do before concerts start.
48. Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room.
49. Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc… sent to you every few minutes throughout the exam.
50. During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs, anything you can reach.
51. Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90-degree angle.
52. Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If you are asked to stop, say “it helps me think.” Bring a copy of the Student Handbook with you, challenging the instructor to find the section on musical instruments during finals. Don’t forget to use the phrase “Told you so”.
53. Answer the exam with the “Top Ten Reasons Why Professor xxxx Sucks”
54. Make strange noises… get people to stare… look at the person next to you as if he\she did it.
55. Write a short story about your childhood, or an experience that you once had. If you can’t think of anything, make something up. Be creative. End the story with “I just thought I should tell you.”
56. Wear a mask or costume, pretend that you really DO think that you’re someone else.
57. Play loud music.
58. When you turn in your test, take all the ones under it and throw them away or keep them or put your name on some of them. Do it casually, as if that’s what you are supposed to do after an exam.
59. Dress like the professor.
60. Cross-Dress.
61. Borrow a friend’s Video taping equipment and set up a lot of lights and a camera around your desk. Call out instructions to imaginary people who are supposed to be working the equipment.
62. Two words: Plastic Explosives.
63. Bring food or drinks, pass them out to the class as if you’re supposed to be giving samples for a fundraiser. Use the words “Would you buy something like this if we had a bake sale?” It doesn’t matter if they are baked goods or not.
64. Trip people as they walk by your desk.
65. Read all the questions out loud like Rain Man.
66. Walk around the room and ask people if there is anything that you can help them with. Speak loudly stutter and spit. Make a show of it.
67. Make several origami animals out of the test papers. Re-enact scenes from your favorite soap opera with them.
68. In the middle of the test, have a friend rush into the classroom, tag your hand, and resume taking your test for you. When the teacher asks what’s going on, calmly explain the rules of Tag Team Testing to him/her.
69. Use Invisible Ink to answer the whole exam.
70. Order catering. The catering company should come in about halfway through the test, and should include at least three waiters, eight carts of food, and five candelabras.
71. Stand up after about 15 minutes, and say loudly, “Okay, let’s double-check our answers! Number one, A. Number two, C.Number three, E….”

I understand that Scissors can beat Paper, and I get how Rock can beat Scissors, but there's no way Paper can beat Rock. Paper is supposed to magically wrap around Rock leaving it immobile? Why the hell can't paper do this to scissors? Screw scissors, why can't paper do this to people? Why aren't sheets of college ruled notebook paper constantly suffocating student as they attempt to take notes in class? I'll tell you why, because paper can't beat anybody, a rock would tear that shit up in 2 seconds. When I play rock/ paper/ scissors, I always choose rock. Then when somebody claims to have beaten me with their paper I can punch them in the face with my already clenched fist and say, oh shit, I'm sorry, I thought paper would protect you, you asshole!