Hello.

My name is CENSORED. I am CENSORED years old. I live in CENSORED at CENSORED.

I apologise for all the censoring, but I am completely paranoid that the evil giant chicken (of DOOM) will find me and my family.

My plans for the future:

1a) Gather army of bunnies

1b) Start cult

2) Train as ninja

3) Kidnap major world leaders

4) Rule world

Simple.

Quotes:

C'est la vie.

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond imagination. It is our light more than our darkness which scares us. We ask ourselves – who are we to be brilliant, beautiful, talented, and fabulous. But honestly, who are you to not be so? You are a child of God, small games do not work in this world. For those around us to feel peace, it is not example to make ourselves small.” -Marianne Williamson

"You hate me because I'm different from you. And I pity you for it."

"I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it."

"Fences around cemetaries are foolish, for those inside can't get out and those outside don't want to go in."

"Confidence is that quiet, assured feeling you get just before you fall flat on your face."

"If ignorance is bliss, then why aren't more people happy?

"We have just witnessed a classic example of what I like to call 'misdirected rage'. I believe the technical term is being an ass." -Shigure (Fruits Basket)

"Isn't it funny how the word 'politics' is made up of the words 'poli' meaning 'many' in Latin, and 'tics' as in 'bloodsucking creatures?"

"Never assume anything. Because when you assume, you're making an ASS out of you and me."

"Even I don't trust my better judgement- what does that say to you?"

"Dont take life too seriously, no one gets out alive anyway"

"Mental anxiety, mental breakdown, menstrual cramps, menopause... Did you realize how all our problems begin with MEN!"

"The buddy system is essential to your survival; it gives the enemy somebody else to shoot at."

"Good friends don't let you do stupid things... alone"

"Is there no alchemy technique to burn a person through a phone?!" -Roy Mustang (FMA)

"Sometimes I lie awake at night and ask 'Why me?' Then a voice answers 'Nothing personal, your name just happened to come up.' "

"Maybe we should develop a Crayola bomb as our next secret weapon. A happiness weapon. A beauty bomb. And every time a crisis developed, we would launch one. It would explode high in the air - explode softly - and send thousands, millions, of little parachutes into the air. Floating down to earth - boxes of Crayolas. And we wouldn't go cheap, either - not little boxes of eight. Boxes of sixty-four, with the sharpener built right in. With silver and gold and copper, magenta and peach and lime, amber and umber and all the rest. And people would smile and get a little funny look on their faces and cover the world with imagination." -Robert Fulghum

"People are like slinkies; rather useless, but fun to watch when pushed down the stairs."

"Heaven doesn't want me, Hell is afraid I'll take over, and the earth has a restraining order."

Courage, sacrifice, determination, commitment, toughness, heart, talent, guts. That's what little girls are made of; the hell with sugar and spice.

"You have enemies? Good. That means you've stood up for something, sometime in your life" -Winston Churchill

"Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new." -Albert Einstein

"Don't knock on Death's door- ring the doorbell and run away; he hates that."

"The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on." - Robert Bloch

"NO TRESPASSING! Violators will be shot. Survivors will be shot again."

"Constantly choosing the lesser of two evils is still choosing evil." - Jerry Garcia

"Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult."

"Rome didn't create an empire by having meetings- they did it by killing all those who opposed them."

"Suicide is another way of telling God 'You can't fire me- I QUIT!!' "

"Why is it when we talk to God it's called 'praying' but when God talks back, we're put in a straight jacket?"

"Chaos, panic, and disorder- my work here is done."

"The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do."

"Sometimes, people put up walls- not to keep others out, but to see who cares enough to tear them down."

"If everyone jumped off a bridge, would you?" "No, I'd step off onto the pile of bodies."

"Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain." -Lily Tomlin

"Don't tell me the sky is the limit, when there are foot prints on the moon."

"A true warrior may die once, while a coward will die a thousand times"

"Darkness is the truth unpolished, while hope is just polished lies."

"Reality is a nice place to visit, but I wouldn't want to live there."

REMEMBER WHEN ..
getting HiGH meant swinging at a playground?
the worst thing you could get from a boy was c0otiEs?
'm 0 m' (was your hero)
and 'D a D' was the boy you were gonna marry?
when your W0RST ENEMiES were your siblings
and rAcE iSsuEs were about who ran fastest?
when - WAR- was a card game
and life was simple and care free?
remember when all you wanted to do
WAS GROW UP?

Some examples of why the human race has probably evolved as far as possible. These are actual instruction labels on consumer goods..

On Sears hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping.
(Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)

On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(The shoplifter special!)

On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
(and that would be how?)

On some Swann frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
(But it's 'just' a suggestion!)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box)
Do not turn upside down.
(Too late! you lose!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.
(Are you sure? Let's experiment.)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.
(But wouldn't that save more time?)Whose body?)

On Boot's Children's cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
(We could do a lot to reduce the construction accidents if we just kept those 5 year olds off those fork lifts.)

On Nytol sleep aid:
Warning: may cause drowsiness.
(One would hope!)

On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning: keep out of children.
(hmm..something must have gotten lost in the translation...)

On a string of Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
(As opposed to use in outer space.)

On a food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.
(Now I'm curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts:
Warning: contains nuts.
(but no peas?)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
(somebody got paid big bucks to write this one.)

On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
(Raise your hand if you've tried this.)

On a child's Superman costume:
The wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
(Oh go ahead! That's right, destroy a universal childhood belief.)

Girls

are like
apples on trees.
The best ones are
at the top of the tree. The
boys don’t want to reach
for the good ones because they
are afraid of falling and getting hurt.
Instead, they just get the rotten apples
from the ground that aren't as good,
but easy. So the apples at the top think
something is wrong with them, when in
reality, they're amazing. They just
have to wait for the right boy to
come along, the one who's
brave enough to
climb all
the way
to the top
of the tree.

Weird is good, strange is bad, and odd is when you don't know which to call someone. Weird is the same as different, which is the same as unique, than weird is good. If you are weird and proud of it, copy this onto your profile!

OBITUARY FOR THE LATE MR. COMMON SENSE

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.

He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as: Knowing when to come in out of the rain; why the early bird gets the worm; Life isn't always fair; and Maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge). His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6 year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get Parental consent to administer Calpol, sun lotion or a band-aid to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason.

He is survived by his 3 stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, Someone Else Is To Blame, and I'm A Victim. Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.

I have several stories. They are interesting (to me).

I hope you can enjoy my profile. Just look out for the evil chicken of DOOM.