Some examples of why the human race has probably evolved as far as possible. These are actual instruction labels on consumer goods...

On Sears hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping.
(Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)

On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(The shoplifter special!)

On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
(and that would be how?)

On some Swann frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
(But it's 'just' a suggestion!)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box)
Do not turn upside down.
(Too late! you lose!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.
(Are you sure? Let's experiment.)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.
(But wouldn't that save more time?)(Whose body?)

On Boot's Children's cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
(We could do a lot to reduce the construction accidents if we just kept those 5 year olds off those fork lifts.)

On Nytol sleep aid:
Warning: may cause drowsiness.
(One would hope!)

On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning: keep out of children.
(hmm...something must have gotten lost in the translation...)

On a string of Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
(As opposed to use in outer space.)

On a food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.
(Now I'm curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts:
Warning: contains nuts.
(but no peas?)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
(somebody got paid big bucks to write this one...)

On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
(Raise your hand if you've tried this...)

On a child's Superman costume:
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
(Oh go ahead! That's right, destroy a universal childhood belief.)

EVER WONDER where we are heading...

Why the sun lightens our hair,
but darkens our skin?

Why women can't put on mascara
with their mouth closed?

Why you don't ever see the headline:
"Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why "abbreviated" is such a long word?

Why Doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why you have to click on "Start" to stop Windows 98?

Why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor,
while dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?

Why the man who invests all your money is called a
"Broker"?

Why there isn't mouse flavored cat food?

Who tastes dog food when it has a "new & improved" flavor?

Why Noah didn't swat those two mosquitoes?

Why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

Why they don't make the whole plane out of the
material used for the indestructible
black box?

Why sheep don't shrink when it rains?

Why they are called apartments when
they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro,
is "Congress" the opposite of "progress"?

Why they call the airport "the terminal"
if flying is so safe?

Friendship

None of that sissy crap. Are you tired of those 'friendship' poems that always sound good, but never actually come close to reality? Well, here is a series of truths to our friendship.

1. When you are sad, I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard.

2. When you are blue, I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

3. When you smile, I will know you are plotting something that I must be involved in.

4. When you are scared, I will rag on you about it every chance I get.

5. When you are worried, I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining.

6. When you are confused, I will use little words.

7. When you are sick, stay the heck away from me until you are well. I don't want whatever you have.

8. When you fall, I will point and laugh at your clumsy butt.

This is my oath. I pledge it until the end. "Why?" you may ask. Because you are my friend. Friendship is like peeing your pants. Everyone can see it, but only you can truly feel its warmth.

Fire and Ice

Some say the world will end in fire,
Some say in ice.
From what I've tasted of desire
I hold with those who favor fire.
But if it had to perish twice,
I think I know enough of hate
To say that for destruction ice
Is also great
And would suffice.

Robert Frost

This has got to be one of the funniest things I have ever read, and I don't laugh easily:

"I understand that Scissors can beat Paper, and I get how Rock can beat Scissors, but there's no fucking way Paper can beat Rock. Paper is supposed to magically wrap around Rock leaving it immobile? Why the hell can't paper do this to scissors? Screw scissors, why can't paper do this to people? Why aren't sheets of college ruled notebook paper constantly suffocating student as they attempt to take notes in class? I'll tell you why, because paper can't beat anybody, a rock would tear that shit up in two seconds. When I play rock/ paper/ scissors, I always choose rock. Then when somebody claims to have beaten me with their paper I can punch them in the face with my already clenched fist and say, oh shit, I'm sorry, I thought paper would protect you, you asshole."

My Favorite Quotes

"Sometimes, people just build walls up not to keep others out, but to see who cares enough to break through"

"The cracks in the cement is a reminder that no matter how strong you may be, you can break."

"Anyone can be called a father, but only some can be a dad"

"Just because im smiling doesnt mean im happy...because it takes one smile to cover up a million tears"

"If the heart is one of the strongest muscles, why is it so easy to break?"

"Forgetting doesn't make it better, it just makes it hurt again when I remember"

"Friends are like buttcheeks, shit may come between them but they always stick together."

"I like the idea of karma, you can go around and do bad things to people all day assuming they deserve it."

"Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all the time and have the time of your life."

"Sex is evil, evil is sin, sin is forgiven, so stick it right in!"

"Virginity is like a ballon, one small prick and it's gone forever."

"Sex is temptation caused by sensation, when a guy puts his location into a girl's destination, to increase population for the next generation. Do you understand my explination, or do you need a demonstration?"

On a series note:

The white man said, "Colored people are not allowed here." The black man turned around and stood up. He then said: "Listen sir...when I was born I was BLACK, When I grew up I was BLACK, When I'm sick I'm BLACK, When I go in the sun I'm BLACK, When I'm cold I'm BLACK, When I die I'll be BLACK. But you sir, When you're born you're PINK, When you grow up you're WHITE, When you're sick, you're GREEN, When you go in the sun you turn RED, When you're cold you turn BLUE, And when you die you turn PURPLE. And you have the nerve to call me colored?" The black man then sat back down and the white man walked away...

I didn't want to admit it. It was easier to lie. Hide the hurt and emptiness and smile instead of cry.

Try Not To Cry:

Mommy...Johnny brought a gun to school,

He told his friends that it was cool,

And when he pulled the trigger back,

It shot with a great, huge crack.

Mommy, I was a good girl, I did what I was told,

I went to school, I got straight A's, I even got the gold!

When I went to school that day,

I never said good-bye.

I'm sorry that I had to go, But Mommy, please don't cry.

When Johnny shot the gun, he hit me and another,

And all because Johnny, got the gun from his brother.

Mommy, please tell Daddy; That I love him very much,

And please tell Zack; my boyfriend; That it wasn't just a crush.

And tell my little sister; That she is the only one now,

And tell my dear sweet grandmother; I'll be waiting for her now

And tell my wonderful friends; That they always were the best

Mommy, I'm not the first, I'm no better than the rest

Mommy, tell my teachers; I won't show up for class,

And never to forget this, And please don't let this pass

Mommy, why'd it have to be me? No one, though. deserves this.

But mommy, it's not fair, I left without a kiss.

And Mommy tell the doctors; I know that they really did try

I think I even saw one doctor, trying not to cry.

Mommy, I'm slowly dying, with a bullet in my chest,

But Mommy please remember, I'm in heaven with the rest

When I heard that great, big crack, I ran as fast as I could

please listen to me if you would,

I wanted to go to college, I wanted to try things that were new

I guess I'm not going with Daddy, On that trip to the new zoo

I wanted to get married, I wanted to have a kid,

I wanted to be an actress, I really wanted to live.

But Mommy I must go now, The time is getting late,

Mommy, tell my Zack, I'm sorry to cancel the date.

I love you Mommy, I always have, I know you know its true

And Mommy all I need to say is, "Mommy, I love you"

In Memory of The Columbine & Virginia Tech Students Who Were Lost

This story is about a little girl that was abused. If you care about it, copy and paste it to your profile. (Warning: I thought this was very sad)

My name is Sarah

I am but three,

My eyes are swollen

I cannot see,

I must be stupid

I must be bad,

What else could have made

My daddy so mad?

I wish I were better

I wish I weren't ugly,

Then maybe my mommy

Would still want to hug me.

I can't speak at all

I can't do a wrong

Or else I'm locked up

All the day long

When I awake

I'm all alone

The house is dark

My folks aren't home.

When my mommy does come

I'll try and be nice,

So maybe I'll get just

One whipping tonight

Don't make a sound!

I just heard a car

My daddy is back

From Charlie's Bar.

I hear him curse

My name he calls

I press myself

Against the wall.

I try and hide

From his evil eyes

I'm so afraid now

I'm sradishing to cry.

He finds me weeping

He shouts ugly words,

He says its my fault

That he suffers at work.

He slaps me and hits me

And yells at me more,

I finally get free

And I run for the door.

He's already locked it

And I sradish to bawl,

He takes me and throws me

Against the hard wall.

I fall to the floor

With my bones nearly broken,

And my daddy continues

With more bad words spoken.

"I'm sorry!", I scream

But its now much too late

His face has been twisted

Into unimaginable hate.

The hurt and the pain

Again and again

Oh please God, have mercy!

Oh please let it end!

And he finally stops

And heads for the door,

While I lay there motionless

Sprawled on the floor.

My name is Sarah

And I am but three,

Tonight my daddy,

Murdered me.

I cried when I red the 2 poems above! So post these on your pro if you cried (or wanted to) when u read them.

Mom, I'm feeling so much pain right now
But I've already cried to much
Now the only way to let it out
Is by telling you what has me in its klutch

It rips my heart to say this
Knowing that it could hurt you too
But if this is the only way to speak to you
Then I guess this is something that I have to do

Mom, I know what and who I am
But unfortunately so do you
What hurts the most is not that you know
But the fact that you don't aprove

It cuts me deeper everytime when
You voice your opinions of me outloud
I'd go to my room and scream and cry
Cause all I want to do is make you proud

Now, yes, I've made mistakes in my life
But, you know what Mom, so have you
I've learned from mine over time
Maybe you should start learning too

I always see you watching TV shows
With gay people on the main cast
You look at me with such disgust
But at the TV, Mom, you just laugh

Whenever I ask you why that is
You just look at me and stare
You'd tell me its because I'm your daughter
And you'd tell me its because you care

Well, Mom, is that not hypocrisy
To like people that are gays
But you spit in disgust when you learn
That your daughter happens to go both ways

Mom, I don't want to hate you
And I don't want you to hate me
But this void of pain is increasing
And its practically consuming me

All my friends accept me
and I was hoping you would too
You tell me I'd regret telling them
But the only person I regret telling is you

Please explain to me why that is
I thought I could tell you anything
But I can't and that gets me so pissed
And makes my whole damn body sting

Now, Mom, please - you must know
That I still love you with all my heart
Even though its crushed and breaking
Cause our relationship is falling apart

Please, Mom, hold on to me
I'm your daughter through and through
Even though what I am
Makes your whole damn body stew

There's so much more I need to say
But, I don't want to - you know why
Cause unlike some, I am a good person
And I don't want to make your pain too high

There's just one more thing you should know
But this is simply who I am
And I'm begging you to stop critisizing
So that you can learn to understand

By: Addison Rae (I Have Cullenism)

To everyone that needs support or has gone through this as well, feel free to post this on your profile along with the "By: Addison Rae (I Have Cullenism)". Let's do our part to stop homophobia within the family!

Re-post this if you believe homophobia is wrong. Please do your part to end it!! =D

(Done with serius note! onto happy things!)

You say I'm not cool. But cool is another word for cold. If I'm not cold, I'm hot. I know I'm hot. Thnaks for embracing it.

I used to be normal, until I met the freaks that I call my friends

Boys are like slinkeys, useless, but fun to watch fall down the stairs.

Friend: Will help me find my way when I'm lost

Best Friend: Will be the one messing with my compass, stealing my map and giving me bad directions

Friend: Will help me learn to drive

Best Friend: Will help me roll the car into the lake so I can collect insurance

Friend: Will watch my pets when I go away

Best Friend: Won't let me go away

Friend: Will help me up when I fall down

Best Friend: Will point and laugh because she tripped me

Friend: Will bail me out of jail

Best Friend: Will be sitting beside me saying "Dang, we screwed up"

Friend: Will go to a concert with me

Best Friend: Will kidnap the band with me

Friend: Calls my parents "Mr." or "Mrs."

Best Friend: Calls my parents "Mom" or "Dad"

Friend: Asks me for my number

Best friend: Asks me for her number

Friend: Hides me from the cops

Best Friend: is probably the reason they are after me in the first place

Friend: lets me make an idiot of myself in public

Best Friend: Is up there with me making an idiot out of herself too.

Friends: Fade

Best Friends: Are 4 Ever

MURPHY'S LESSER-KNOWN LAWS:

1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright

Until you hear them speak.

2. He who laughs last thinks slowest.

3. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

4. Those that live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

5. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

6. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something

Right, there's a 90 probability you'll get it wrong.

"Why do we teach kids that violence is not the answer and then have them read about wars in school that solved America's problems?” Anonymous

"Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.” Anonymous

"Everyday is a gift, that’s why they call it the present.” Anonymous

"My mind works like lightning, one brilliant flash and it's gone.” Anonymous

"If you know me, chances are you hate me." Anonymous

"Heaven doesn't want me and hell is afraid I'll take over." Anonymous

"When you get caught looking at him, just remember, he was looking back." Anonymous

"Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us to walk and talk and the rest of it telling us to sit and shut up.” Anonymous

"Having the love of your life say you can still be friends is like having your dog die and your mom saying you can still keep it." Anonymous

"Sometimes, people just build walls up not to keep others out, but to see who cares enough to break through." Anonymous

"The cracks in the cement are a reminder that no matter how strong you may be, you can break." Anonymous

"Anyone can be called a father, but only some can be a dad." Anonymous

"Just because I'm smiling doesn't mean I'm happy...because it takes one smile to cover up a million tears." Anonymous

"If the heart is one of the strongest muscles, why is it so easy to break?" Anonymous

"Friends are like butt cheeks, shit may come between them, but they always stick together." Anonymous

"I like the idea of karma; you can go around and do bad things to people all day assuming they deserve it." Anonymous

"Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all the time and have the time of your life." Anonymous

"They say one day your whole life will flash before your eyes, make it worth watching." Anonymous

"I'm the kind of person that walks into a door and apologizes." Anonymous

"I’m not clumsy…the floor just hates me." Anonymous

"Anyone can reach their stars…and if you can’t reach, catch one that falls." Anonymous

"Whoever said nothing is impossible never tried slamming a revolving door..." Anonymous

"You know it's going to be a bad day when you fall out of bed and miss the floor." Anonymous

"Behind every bitch is a guy who made her that way." Anonymous

"It's not how you pick your nose; it's where you put the booger." Anonymous

"I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law." Anonymous

"An apple always keeps the doctor away, if well aimed." Anonymous

"Ever stopped to think and forgot to start again?" Anonymous

"My knight in shining armor turned out to be a loser in aluminum foil." Anonymous

"Therapist = The/rapist... scary thought." Anonymous

"Don't drink and drive. You might spill your beer." Anonymous

"Okay, so what's the speed of dark?" Anonymous

"Most people learn by observation, and there are the few who learn by experimentation. And then there are those who actually TOUCH the fire to see if it's really hot." -Anonymous

Excuse me... have you seen my sanity... I think I lost it.

Why do we teach kids that violence is not the answer and then have them read about wars in school that solved America's problems?

Why is Donkey Kong called "DONKEY" Kong if he's a monkey?

If your name is Mr. Crunch, and you joined the Navy, would you eventually be Captain Crunch?

364 days of the year, parents tell their kids not to take candy from
strangers, yet on Halloween, its encouraged! Why is that?

Whoever said nothing is impossible, never tried slamming a revolving door...

"Everyday is a gift, that’s why they call it the present.

"Tragedy is when I cut my finger, Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die"- Mel Brooks

"Chemistry is a class you take in high school or college, where you figure out two plus two is 10, or something."
- Dennis Rodman, NBA Basketball player, on Chicago Bull's team chemistry being overrated

Crazy is a relative term in my family!

Men, chocolate, and coffee are all better rich.

"Life is not measured by the breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away."

"Keep smiling, it makes people wonder what you're up to."

Best friends are the people that know all about and still put up with you!

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

This is on me" is what Dorothy Parker wanted on her tombstone

"The only place where success comes before work is in a dictionary." - Vidal Sassoon

"If you love your job, you haven't worked a day in your life." --Tommy Lasorda

No, I don't have PMS. I just really hate you.

My mind works like lightning, one brilliant flash and it's gone

Stupidity is not a crime so you’re free to go

"Hey guess who this is? You guessed it. Guess what you have to do now? You
guessed it. Guess what's next? You guessed it..."

Hi, you know the drill.

AACIBD is Addicted to All Cullen’s Including Bella Disorder.

AV is Addicted to Vampires

ADHD is Automatic Death by Hyperness Disorder

Emmet Cullen: Stronger Than You since 1916

Jasper Hale: Charming Ladies since 1843

Alice Cullen: Quirkier than You since 1901

Rosalie Hale: Better Than You since 1916

Edward Cullen: Sexier Than You since 1901- heck, he's sexier than everyone since 1901

"Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat."

"Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way you're a mile away from them and you have their shoes."

"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most."

"People who say anything's possible haven't tried to slam a revolving door."

"An apple away keeps the doctor away, if well aimed."

Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us to walk and talk, and the rest of it telling us to sit down and shut up

Guys should be like lattes-rich, strong, and hot

I wrote your name in the sky, but the wind blew it away. I wrote your name in the sand, but the waves splashed it away. I wrote your name in my heart, and it lasted forever.

I stay as confused as a gangster with a skateboard

Friends will always be like "well you deserve better" but best friends will be prank calling him saying "you will die in seven days"

Boys are like trees-they take 50 years to grow up.

Everything here is eatable. I'm eatable, but that my children is called cannibalism and is frowned upon in most societies.

Let's flip a coin-heads we'll be together, tails we flip again.

Life isn't passing me by, it's trying to run me over.

Having the love of your life say you can still be friends is like having your dog die and your mom saying you can still keep it.

Your mom looks like Voldemort (oooooh burn)

Was that an earthquake, or did I just rock your world?

My knight in shining armor turned out to be a loser in aluminum foil.

Why are the Force and ductape the same?-Both have a light and dark side and hold the universe together.

Don't hate yourself in the morning-sleep till noon.

Don't call me emo or I'll cry big juicy tears of blood and pain and then I'll die and it will be ALL YOUR

Your weirdness is creeping my imaginary friend out

I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!

Don't frown, even when you’re sad, someone could be falling in love with your smile.

You have to have darkness for a dawn to come.

Last night I looked up at the stars and matched each star to a reason I loved you. I was doing fine till I ran out of stars.

To the world, you are just one person, but to one person, you are the world.

Charm is a way of getting the answer yes without asking a clear question.

Some minds are like concrete; thoroughly mixed and permanently set.

The town was so dull that when the tide went out it refused to come back in.

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

A smile is the shortest distance between two people.

Tell the truth and run.

All things considered, insanity may be the only reasonable alternative.

When angry, count to ten, when very angry, swear.

Education is important, school however, is another matter.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound as they go by.

Amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic...

Music is love in search of word.

It's a fusion of Jazz and funk-is called 'Junk'!

If the sky is the limit, then what is space, over the limit?

Are children who act in rated 'R' movies allowed to see them?

Whose cruel idea was it for the words 'lisp' to have an 's' in it?

How is it possible to have a civil war?

When French people swear do they say pardon my English?

Aren't the 'good things that come to those who wait' just the leftovers from the people that got there first?

If the swat team breaks down your door do they have to replace it later?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink what comes out"?

Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken over there ... I'm gonna eat the first thing that comes out if its butt"?

Isn't Disney World just a people trap operated by a mouse?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

If an atheist has to go to court, do they make him swear on the Bible?

Why are people so scared of mice, yet we all love Mickey Mouse?

"Have you ever noticed that if you rearranged the letters in mother in law, they come out to Woman Hitler?"

Isn't it funny how the word 'politics' is made up of the words 'poli' meaning 'many' in Latin, and 'tics' as in 'bloodsucking creatures’?

Why isn't chocolate considered a vegetable, if chocolate comes from cocoa
beans, and all beans are a vegetable?

Why is it when we talk to God we are praying, but when God talks to us we are put into the loony bin?

Why is it when some products you have to turn it upside down to read the directions, and the directions say do not turn upside down?

Why do people say, "You can't have your cake and eat it too"? Why would someone get cake if they can't eat it?

"When life hand you lemons, throw those lemons right back at it and tell life to make its own dang lemonade"

Assassination is an extreme form of censorship

The sun has set, the moon has risen, today's the day we get out of prison!

"I know everything, as I continue to remind you." -Fang

Imitation is the most annoying form of flattery.

You cry, I cry, you laugh, I laugh, you fall off a cliff, I laugh even harder

I'm the kind of girl who will burst our laughing in the middle of a dead silence because of something that happened yesterday.

"Wal-Mart, do they like, sell walls there?" - Paris Hilton

When it rains on my party, I bust out the slip n' slide.

I agree with the dictionary. Girls before guys, partying before studying, and friends before love.

I don't obsess! I think intensely.

The greatest challenge in life is to find someone who knows all your flaws, differences, and mistakes, and yet still sees the best in you.

"When life gives you lemons, make grape juice. Then sit back and watch the world wonder how you did it."

"Those who don't learn from history are doomed to repeat it."

"Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else"

"Real girls aren't perfect, perfect girls aren't real."

"I'd rather be hated for who I am than be loved for who I'm not."

"Why is it that people are fine with everyone having a different job or going to a different school, but if you say you follow a different religion, you are weird?"

"What is easy is not always right, and what is right is not always easy."

"Guns don't kill people. I do."

"A good friend bails you out of jail. A great friend is sitting there next to you saying 'Man, that was fun!'"

"If you can't see the bright side of life, polish the dull side."

Bush gave an interview and he said people will vote for him because 'They've seen me weep, they’ve seen me laugh, and they’ve seen me hug.' These are the same qualifications for a Tickle Me Elmo.

A recent survey stated that the average person's greatest fear is having to give a speech in public. Somehow this ranked even higher than death which was third on the list. So, you're telling me that at a funeral, most people would rather be the guy in the coffin than have to stand up and give a eulogy.

I'm not so good at advice. Can I intrest you in a sarcastic comment?