Hey peeps.

No exceptionally officious message this time, so feel free not to groan as loud.

It's obvious that I'm not dead, gaiz. Thank yer lucky stars that this asshole is actually trying to be consistent and crank out more and more delicious morsels for you paltry, peasantly few to suck on.

Right now I'm having a three-way jones for Zero no Tsukaima, Diablo, and King of Fighters. I also have the temptation to get back to that Clockwork Orange/Ikki Tousen thingy I'm workin' on.

But SHH! Don't tell the neighbors; they think I'm some innocent freakazoid who benignly weeds his lawn in October! They don't suspect that I write debautched filth for slathering gangs of miscreants to masturbate to! So don't tell `em nothin'!

As a side note, I'd recommend reading Returning the Pain by insomaniac1 if you want me to be your bestest fry-end evur. Evur.

Oh, by the way, I'm trying to alphabetize this whole profile and I'm straightening out the summaries and info for my stories as well. Say goodbye to those awkward, misleading descriptions and hello to summaries that underwhelm the masses!

Observe the fruits of my labor below!

A Clockwork Orange

unnamed, formerly The UltraPleasure: Pending Further Writing. Reason: This is the launch chappie for all ACO crossovers to come from my diseased brain. For the most part. Verdict: START THE GAME ALREADY!

unnamed IT crossover: Not Even Begun. Reason: It ain't even a twinkle in daddy's eye jus' yet... Verdict: Nuttin'. Nuttin' at all... mehbeh...

unnamed QB crossover: *SECRET* Reason: Don't ask questions. Just don't. Verdict: Unload this puppy before somebody notices...

Assassin's Creed

As of yet unnamed original fic: Creative Process Reason: Epicness is being built. Verdict: Another mysterious fic, to be produced at a convenient time...

Bioshock

His Way - Second Chapter Underway. Reason: Slow plot-crafting, wanted to make the chapter more entertaining and less grammatically sloppy than the first(mainly tences and things like that). It'll prolly be short. Critical reception for the pilot chapter was impressive(on dA and here, not just here) Verdict: Finish and release will be before the publishing of another of my stories, most likely. Should be satisfying...

Bleach

Soft Voice, Sticky Fingers: Creative Process. Reason: A one-shot lemon. Ultra-Rare pairing. Verdict: Keep under wraps and keep writing it incognito...

Condemned: Bloodshot

Those From Down Below - Second Chapter Pending. Reason: Promised to update another fic of mine before taking this back on. Also, getting this fic to not be stereotypical is a bit difficult, so the plot needs to be written up, checked, and rechecked. Oughtta be awesome when it finally gets out Verdict: Updating may be off in the unforseeable future, so don't cross your fingers, people.

Diablo

Pariah's Wasteland - Finished. Reason: Got the Holiday Rush, got down to it, and slid to home base fifteen minutes after the ball dropped. It was an epic experience, my friends. Verdict: Proudly oversee the progress of the story, shape up artistic skills to make a comic book adaptation, and write a less rushed "serial" version.

Pariah's Recruitment - Second Chapter Slowly Underway. Reason: Various projects are being dealt with, and I can't find a good way to get on with the story. Verdict: Think it through, write it, rewrite it, then publish the first real chappie of P's R.

Pariah's Pastoral - Pending Publication. Reason: No more specials until the Pariah Saga has a bigger following Verdict: Take care of the main story, then we'll see...

Pariah's Harvest: Finished Reason: Actually got to this at the right time, but my connection freaked out and I had to post it the day after... Verdict: Feel proud that I actually did it...

Pariah's Founding: Finished. Reason: It was nice and fun, indeed. I hope everyone will enjoy this glimpse into Agrius's past... Verdict: Lolwut

The now named Christmas special, Pariah's Charity: Hibernation Mode. Reason: I have no damn clue. Verdict: Shut up. Just... shut up.

As of yet unnamed New Year's special: On Hold. Reason: No more specials until hell freezes over. Verdict: No need to rush this.

As of yet unnamed Hellfire fic: Brainfarting. Reason: I have no damn idea how to get started on this. The specials? Sure. This? No clue. Prolly get on this by Armageddon. Verdict: I'm at a loss for ideas for words.

Stay Awhile and Listen: Writing Pilot Pieces. Reason: I'm gonna generate interest for all youse boys and gals to get with me on this idea for a fanfic weekly serial piece. Feel free to tell your friends! Verdict: Writewritewritewritewritewritewritewrite...

unnamed Naruto crossover: Writing bits. Reason: To help out a dude on his journey to become as awesome as I, I need to give him and others an example of how to really do it. And I will. Verdict: More writing! aUGH!

King of Fighters

Blue Moon Eyes: Awaiting Feedback. Reason: I need to hear from whomever is reading this shite what I've gotta do with this... Verdict: Review, ye scurvy dogs!

Kyah Kyah Kyah!: Writing Process. Reason: This little ditty is a spur-of-the-moment thingy. Verdict: Just wait and see~

Naruto

Gore and Cigars: Cancelled. Reason: DIE. Verdict: Overhaul? Maybe... but don't hold your breath.

God Give Him Will: DOUBLE DIE. Reason: OH GOD, WHY?! Verdict: Ewugh... yuck... pyuu...

Story of Our Lives: Pending. Reason: Meh. I'm not feelin' it right now. Maybe sometime next year. Verdict: Get to it... hopefully before the endtimes...

Negima

Don't Be Like Me: Pending Lazor. Reason: This fic sucks so much it burns. Verdict: Post apology chapter, then post chapters to reworked version...

Queen's Blade

The Weird Tales of Keith Cohens: Pending. Reason: I'm confused on where to go with it, random as it is. Verdict: Take the breather.

Witchblade

Estacado Shuffle - Updating soon. Reason: Almost done with it. Gotta tweak it! Verdict: You readers of mine, I'll be bringing this to you fairly soon; sorry for the wait.

Crunch Time - Creative Process/Pilot Chapter. Reason: I wanted to go back and make a different start and feel to the whole Witchblade/Darkness "crossover". I wanted to give the darker comic book version of Jackie his limelight, seeing as he's gotten zilch positive showing on ANY fanfic site, for when he is even mentioned, this guy is made out to be a raging psycho. I can tell you this: he's a bad ass, not some prissy anime boy toy, so he's not gonna be all gay-ly dramatic and shit like that; Cock gun, Pull Trigger, Done. Verdict: Still trying to crank it out...

Zero no Tsukaima

Another Way of Doing Things: Writing CHAPTA! NUMBA! FOU-AH! Reason: This fic hasn't lost momentum yet! I will prevail! Verdict: WORK THAT SUCKA!

Crack of Zero: Writing First Bits. Reason: I felt like makin' a shortfic-fest like alotta d'ose gaiz out d'ere on de inter-netziz. Verdict: Write losta crack!

End of Story Log

The Hall of Shame

A bit of an intro before the meat of the matter. This is a log of all the negative, unflattering reviews I've gotten. Some will be relevant, others will be pointlessly stupid.

So far, the count is up to: 5

The first critical review was given by a very benign, helpful person. It was the first truly constructive review I'd evar gotten, and, predictably, I had a shitfit about it. But then the emotional wound scabbed over and I grew up.

I've only watched a small handful of eppies and this is my first foray into Naruto fanfiction and reviewing thereof. (Sucks to be you for this; sorry about that, but reviews are strictly opinions so after this you can just tell me to go take a flying leap over Niagra Falls without a barrel and enough said.)

You'll excuse my ignorance, perhaps, but how-pray tell-does one gain a rep for 'prowess in bed' at the same time is cited for one's 'morality'? I guess if nothing else, once those parents caught up with the other chasers the earful they got from the minors' gossip disabused them of that notion of Naruto's purity of intent.

The statement about 'unrefined' just doesn't seem to fit with the point being made. Typically, one talks about 'refinement' as with how to properly hold a tea cup during a social gig or not to go about attacking the boiled lobster in one's plate. That doesn't quite jive (to me at least) with with basic instincts and the ability to smell a rival's urine deposit from a mile away. Maybe another euphemism for natural urges would work better there.

Speaking of natural urges, do all adolescent girls act that way? I mean mindless Meat Marketing? I sure hope not as the fair sex has been traditionally the one who held some lick of sense. If that's gone bye-bye, we as a species are truly doomed at evolutionary success save for overpopulating the planet.

Sheesh, this Shika person goes around sticking sharp, pointed objects in places the inventor likely never envisioned while taking his rest in the simulacrum of a nasal cavity and yet is one to talk about a sense of dignity? Iysh!

Have the characters considered taking a herbal suppository for all this rectal pain they seem to be experiencing? Maybe then they'd stop mentioning that piece of anatomy so often in public. I swear my aunt complains less about her bunions then these guys about their rear ends and I only made it half way through the story.

Hmm... on second thought, that voice over was correct-animals do have more refinement than humans; at least over the ones depicted here.

Other than the over abundance of the physiological fixations, your writing is pretty good. Nice flow of the (cleaner) phrases.

p.s. If you meant the dwarf with the propensity for weaving golden straw and bad luck in gambling: it's Rumpelstiltskin." - ala Kyer http://www.fanfiction.net/u/6678/Kyer

It was actually due to this person that I started down the path of liking crit. I salute you, Kyer

Next up are two reviews worlds apart and nonetheless irksome, but not at all constructive, and generally irritating whenever I read them. Not that I'm offended by differing opinions, but I don't take poorly phrased stuff too kindly. Also, these were of the same fic, Pariah's Wasteland, my labor of painful, embarassing love.

"This wasn't very good." - from Metastasis http://www.fanfiction.net/u/739728/Metastasis

Wow, dude, that really helps me! I love how you framed the word "wasn't" with "This" and "very"! Oh Em Gee!

But, srsly, this guy was just annoying. Not to mention it drove me up a wall for such a long time with its sheer unhelpfulness.

"I've just read a tiny bit of this Diablo story. Now, I have to say that, while you are humorous, you are too inappropriate. I say this because I read your profile page, and I found that you put some inappropriate things in there (your profile). If inappropriate humor is your kind of humor, then I shall not read your stories. If you make a story that doesn't have inappropriate humor in it (it can still have appropriate humor), then I may read it and review it. I, on the other hand, take my stories seriously. Sure, I do like some humor as long as it's appropriate, but I don't write humor stories. If you wish to read and review my stories, then go ahead. But if you do review my stories, then make sure that your reviews are appropriate." -Too Long; Don't Care from Fan of Games http://www.fanfiction.net/u/2185080/Fan_Of_Games, the world's most useless articulate reviewer.

Inappropriate Because Cursing Makes It So Inappropriate Because Cursing Makes It So Inappropriate Because Cursing Makes It So

But I'll forgive him because he's actually somewhat literate. BUT IT STILL ANNOYS MEH

And then we have this:

"WTF!

Horrible." - sent from the highly esteemed Thoughts-of-Nothinqness http://www.fanfiction.net/u/1033097/Thouqhts_of_Nothinqness

This was obviously in response to my massive thrashing of him/her melodramatic life's work, to which s/he directly replied with a chorus of me being immature and then bravely blocking me. Oh, how subtle this irony is~

By the by, there will be a parody of the not-exactly-subtly-metrosexual pile. Oh yes there will. (Cue evil laughter)

It seems I'm a magnet for really useless stuff, because here's another one!:

"Bleagh! Ugh, ugh, ugh!" - the scintillating conversation piece that the great 017Bluefield brings to us http://www.fanfiction.net/u/3291942/017Bluefield

What is with the kumquats and these awfully vague reviews that do nothing but bore the shit out of me and give me the opportunity to flame the shit out of them? Is it their sole intention to poke the bear, or what?

This random doorknob comes out of nowhere from the bowels of the fabled fandoms of Vocaloid and Ico. She is fresh from feasting her virginal eyes upon fluffy dramatic pieces with little to no substance, and then dives into the ecchi-heavy fandom of Queen's Blade. This is prolly the first time I've seen OOC from a living person (at least, I think it's living. It could be a vacuous Meyerpire, complete with gay eyes and glitterskin, for all I know...). I'm only guessing it's a "she" because if this weenie comes with a twig and berries I'm going to find him and solve that problem.

That aside, I'm now even more disparaging of the future of the human race. And this is after having witnessed the horror that is Stewiefan6868 and Kyuubi16. Oddly enough, I think the former is starting to improve. Hope springs eternal, yes.

If you like my stuff, and you want to meet me again (for some odd reason), I'll be on:

deviantArt, as Jester-of-the-Clown

YouTube, as MerlinsJester