If I could actually motivate myself enough to give a damn, all these stories making me out to be a pussy and head over heels in love with some dumb broad would piss me off. I'd also be ticked over the mouthy, smart-talking, handsy bitches you authors are always pairing me off with, even though I've got a girlfriend already.

If you want to write a story about me (and who wouldn't?), you should follow The Rules on Writing Dallas Winston:

1) I'm never nice. Ever.

2) I don't care -- about you or your probelms.

3) I don't listen to girls. Especially if they are bitching or crying about how bad they've got it. Most especially if they are trying to tell me what to do. The only exception is "Yes, pleeeease, Dally, do me now."

4) I'm not your knight in shining armor. I will not rescue you, no matter how many Socs are chasing you. I will not follow you after you storm out of the Curtis house like a spoiled little bitch. I will not attempt to heal your emotional scars with love. On the other hand, I am willing to try healing sex, if you promise not to follow me around afterwards or expect anything else.

5) My girlfriend is plenty hot. I am not going to be speechless because you show up, because you're probably not as good looking, and even if you are, I've been there, done that.

6) Confessions of love are for whipped little pussies and losers. I'm not either of those things.

7) I do not follow girls around, they follow me.

8) I am not impressed by any of you butch dykes who go around acting like guys -- fighting, cursing and drinking. Save the act for someone who hasn't seen the show already.

9) I can think of six guys off the top of my head that I'd rather have my back over you. If, in the nearly impossible case that none of them were available, I'd go hunt up a member of the Shepard gang -- not you.

10) I don't have any deep, dark secrets, and even if I did, I wouldn't tell you, because then it wouldn't be a secret anymore, you dig?