Author has written 8 stories for Harry Potter, Torchwood, and Star Trek: 2009.

Kirk: Mr. Spock, you'd make an excellent computer.
Spock: Why thank you, Captain. That is most kind of you!

Kirk: Really, Mr. Spock, you're becoming more and more human every day.
Spock: Why Captain, I see no reason to stand here and be insulted like this!

Hi everybody! Scroll through my medium length profile page and read the Torchwood quotes. I'm not sure if they're as funny when you don't know the people, and haven't seen the episodes and therefore can't picture them, but they're hilarious. I've decided to break my no-writing-Janto rule, mostly because math class is fucking boring! OHMYGOD! I'm going to shoot myself in that class. Instead I write Janto smut which makes me giggle uncontrollably for the rest of the day whenever people say "come" or anything like that. It's so funny!

Torchwood Notice: MEN CAN'T GET PREGNANT THIS CENTURY! SO DON'T MAKE IANTO PREGNANT! Secondly, not everyone who watches Torchwood also watches Doctor Who, so stop saying "spoilers for Journey's End" without saying "Torchwood/Doctor Who crossover" or something.

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Hi people of the world! I am going to be dictator of the world in the very near future, as soon as someone assures me that the rift in Torchwood and Doctor Who is real, or until I learn to fly. Or just drive. But flying would be good too. And I don't have the perfect evil cat yet. Because what would a dictatorship be without a cat controlling the mind of the dictator and making people get rid of all the dogs? Anyway, I am informing you of this because once I rule, I am going to start summoning people to my PALACE OF DOOM!tm and if they're ugly, I will be cutting their faces off. So this is the time to invest in a little cosmetic surgery. Oh, I really don't like upturned noses. You upturned nose people seem snobby. Anyway, enough about me, let's talk about ME!

Name: I have a name. Start guessing. You may address me as "Almighty Ruler of the Universe in the Very Near Future"

Hair color: I have hair.

Eye color: Green. With them, I can see into your soul. Even from my room. Not that I'm in my room. STOP STALKING ME DAMNIT!

Age: 5,092

Appearance: I am average human height, with transparent blue skin and tentacles. I am stronger that you eggshell humans and can inhabit your bodies. (if you know who I am referring to right now, you are the best!)

People I ship-

Harry Potter:
Remus/Tonks
James/Lily
Severus/Lily
Draco/Hermione
Ron/Hermione
Draco/Harry
Ron/Harry
not normally, but one story has promise, Sirius/Remus

Torchwood:

Jack/Ianto (Also people, MEN CAN'T GET PREGNANT IN THIS CENTURY! DON'T MAKE IANTO PREGNANT!)

Tosh/Owen

Gwen/Dying

Funny Randomness:

“Roses are red, violets are blue, you are sweet, and I love you.”

“Tomatoes are red, ashes are black, go to hell, and never come back”-thanks to purtyinpink71121

“What would I have to give you for one little kiss?”

“Chloroform”

“What’s that?”

“A kind of candy.”

“COOL!”

“Idiot...”

The white man said, "Colored people are not allowed here." The black man turned around and stood up. He then said: "Listen sir...when I was born I was BLACK, When I grew up I was BLACK, When I'm sick I'm BLACK, When I go in the sun I'm BLACK, When I'm cold I'm BLACK, When I die I'll be BLACK. But you sir, When you're born you're PINK, When you grow up you're WHITE, When you're sick, you're GREEN, When you go in the sun you turn RED, When you're cold you turn BLUE, And when you die you turn PURPLE. And you have the nerve to call me colored?" The black man then sat back down and the white man walked away...
Post this on your profile if you hate racism

If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.

If you think it's stupid that girls are associated with the color pink, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you've ever wished you could go into a book and strangle some of the characters for being so incredibly dumb, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you've ever wanted to enter a TV show and kill an already dead character for not saying that he loved someone cough Owen cough, put this in your profile.

If you spend multiple hours each day reading or writing or a combination of both...copy and paste this on your profile.

If you've been on the computer for hours on end, reading numerous fanfictions, copy this onto your profile.

If you've ever talked to yourself, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you have an odd sort of love/hate relationship with your computer, copy this to your profile

If people think you are mentally insane...copy and paste this onto your profile.

If you hate people who put 'text speak' in their stories, when they aren't texting, copy this in your profile

If you hate people that say 'woot', copy this into your profile

Quotes:

So my friends and I were looking at a deck of cards with the Torchwood characters on it, and we were remarking on who was on what card. So my friend said: Jack is on all the kings, and Gwen is on all the queens, and Ianto is on a jack. Though it would be Jack on a Ianto... (Jack and Ianto are both bi, and...well, not together, but friends with benefits) anyway, after that we laughed for like, five minutes! it was so hilarious!

Wash: "Everything looks good from here... (playing with plastic dinosaurs over his console) Yes. Yes, this is a fertile land, and we will thrive."
(as Stegosaurus) "We will rule over all this land, and we will call it... 'This Land'."
(as T-Rex) "I think we should call it...your grave!"
(Stegosaurus) "Ah, curse your sudden but inevitable betrayal!"
(T-Rex) "Ha ha HA! Mine is an evil laugh...now die!"

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Torchwood

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The world is ending Owen: Let's all have sex.

Ianto: And I thought the end of the world couldn't get any worse.

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John has skulled half a bottle of vodka

Jack: So, how was rehab?John: Rehabs. Plural.Jack: Drink, drugs, sex and ...?John: Murder.Jack: laughs You went to murder rehab?John: I know. Ridiculous. The odd kill, who does it hurt?Jack: worried You clean now?John: deadpan Yeah, kicked everything, living like a priest.

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John: I think I'm starting to see what he likes about this place. She's beautiful, he's stunning...Gwen: Don't you ever stop?John: What? Five minutes to live, you want me to behave? Oh, that's gorgeous.Gwen: That's a Poodle!John: It's nice!

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Jack enters the Hub to meet Captain John Hart and finds I lost my heart to a Starship Trooper playing

John: swaying to the music COME OOOONNNN! Sing along, It's our song!Jack: We don't have a song. and if we did have a song it wouldn't be this song.John: You're no fun.

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Jack: No other race in the universe goes camping. Celebrate your own uniqueness!

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Ianto: Thinking Can't imagine a time when this isn't everything. Pain so constant, like my stomach's full of rats. Feels like this is all I am now. There isn't an inch of me that doesn't hurt. Out loud I’m about to brew some of Jack’s industrial strength coffee. Would you like a cup?Tosh: I’m … fine, thanks Ianto.

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(John Ellis picks up a copy of a magazine with a woman in her underwear)

John: Good God!Ianto: Welcome to the wonderful world of scantily-clad celebrities.John: There are children around!Ianto: She's a children's TV presenter.

(John Ellis puts the magazine back in the rack with a shocked expression)

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Tosh: No I can't just hook something up! the entire telephone network is downOwen: What about a mobile connection?Tosh: Talking to an idiot voice The entire, telephone, network, is down!Ianto: Mobiles, landlines, tin cans with bits of string - everything, absolutely everything! No phones, phones all broken. mimics telephone Hello? Anyone there? normal No, 'cause the phones aren't working!

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Toshiko: You said we weren't allowed to use that again.Jack: It's just a mind probe.Ianto: Remember what happened last time you used it?Jack: That was different. And that species has extremely high blood pressure.Ianto: Oh, right. Their heads must explode all the time.Gwen: Jack, you can't do this. What if you're wrong? If she is human, it'll kill her.Jack: I'm not wrong. We have to find out what she is.Toshiko: Take it easy, Jack. Stop at the first sign of trouble.Ianto: Or at the first sign of exploding.

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Ianto: They know more about this place than I do. bangs fist on table Nobody knows more than I do!

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Owen: How do you know all that?Ianto: I know everything. And it says so on the bottom of the screen.

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Ianto: We don't sniff the sub-etheric resonator!

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Ianto: I have searched for the phrase "I shall walk the Earth and my hunger shall know no bounds," but I keep getting redirected to Weight Watchers.

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Owen: So, I'm King of the Weevils maybe even Weevil Messiah.

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Owen: referring to his having passed a heat sensor due to being clinically dead I'm literally, too cool for school.

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Jack: What's is it with you? Ever since Owen died, all you've done is agree with him!Ianto: I was brought up not to speak ill of the dead. Even if they do still do most of their talking for themselves

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Tosh: I'm intolerant of vasoactive amines.Banana: What?Tosh: Bananas make me vomit.

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Bloopers Jack: Remember, the maximum res-erection time is two minutes. Pause. Everyone starts laughing hysterically.