For the record - One: This account was made so that I could review stories when their author was too chicken shit to allow anonymous reviews.

Two: I do actually generally give constructive criticism.

I like it when authors get butt hurt and pm me, sick with self-righteous anger. Two of my favourite kids are moonstone6793 (http://www.fanfiction.net/u/1398842/) and TheGirlWhoSuffersAlivingHell (http://www.fanfiction.net/u/1627190/). They both sent me such cute little messages decrying my observational skills; it was heartwarming to see them struggle. Good luck to you both!

I'm gonna list pet peeves, because the standards of stories has slipped so badly that I almost don't want to review anymore - 90 percent of the stories I read are crap.

- Self insertion. I have never read a well-written self insertion story and quite frankly I doubt I will ever do so. I know some authors enjoy doing this kind of thing as a challenge and while that's fantastic and shit, the story is still badly written, so save yourself the humiliation and don't bother.

- Bad story descriptions. Most readers decide whether or not they want to look at a story based upon the description. Why, then, do I see so many descriptions looking like so much nonsense? You kids can't spell, you have no grasp of grammar or basic capitalization rules, you don't know where to place a comma or a period or a question mark, argh. I did better in third grade; what's wrong with you? Just because you're a big kid now, you don't want to bother making your work legible?

- Bad spelling. Children, there is a magical invention called a "spell checker." It's been around for years, you know that? So why in the world does no one use it? Heavens to Betsy, it almost makes me want to cry. If you don't know how to spell something or you're not sure, check it out. If Firefox is giving you that little squiggly red line, that's a good indication that you're screwing up. Look at this description: everthing is prefect. Riku and Sora are togeter and best of all, Sora is pregnont! but Riku's lost love Kiara my made up is reterning to Desteny Ilands. What choas will esnue? JUST REED I SUCH AT SUMMERYS! Aw man. If I wasn't almost convinced that someone did all that on purpose, I would cry.

- Misspelling the name of a series. I saw a One Piece story and the description made me choke:

464. One Hour by jakalope242 '-uchiha-' reviews

A One Peice Zoro x Luffy oneshot maybe another chapter or two may contain ZoroxLuffyxSanji later on

Rated: M - English - Romance - Chapters: 1 - Words: 956 - Reviews: 4 - Published: 11-20-08 - Luffy & Zoro

Hur hur dumb ass, how can you spell the name of the series you're writing about incorrectly? I was tempted to review the story but then I realized I couldn't be bothered reading whatever tripe they'd stuck in there - I'd rather paint my nails.

- Descriptions with those damn Jap smilies in them. I've got nothing against Japan, technically - though I consider the country the equivalent of the world's chamber pot - but can you damn Japanophiles stop filling everything you write with those ridiculous smilies? XD or ;P or xD or whatever. I'm reading your story because I want to know if you can write, not because I'm checking to verify that you're uptodate with the newest facial smilies.

- Vampire stories. Man. I hate vampires and that's my personal dislike, but my reasoning is less biased than that - you kids can't write vampire stories to save your lives. Actually in all honesty I've only read three stories with vampires in them (ever) that were written well, not to mention an enjoyable read - and no, the Twilight series was not one of them. Let me put it this way: even professional authors can't write vampire stories well, so what makes you think that YOU can? Arrogant little shits.

- Rape/love healing stories. A lot of people write about rape, and I'm gonna go on a serious note here and inform you tykes that rape is a serious issue, and quite frankly from the amount of rape stories I've read, very few of you actually have the knowledge of the brutal act and the long healing process afterward to be able to write coherently. It makes me sick to see people writing about something they know little to nothing about, most likely misinforming the rest of you sheep out there about the act, thus propagating ignorance. God damn it.

- Abrupt love scenes. There are few things more obnoxious to me than reading a story where, halfway through, one of the characters "has always been in love with the other." What the fuck, man, you gotta draw that stuff out. It doesn't happen all at once, or have you only done that high school dating nonsense? It's frustrating to read "So-and-so had always loved that-one-guy" after most of the story has gone by; didn't you ever take a writing class in school?

- Stories discontinued after one chapter. There are plenty of times when I found a story description or premise that sounds pretty neat, but the author only wrote one chapter (and a short one, at that) and never bothered to continue it. You're all quitters. If you're going to put in the effort of publishing a story, finish the damn thing or don't start in the first place.

- Stories where boys act like girls. Stereotypical gay guys are a pain in the ass and you losers shouldn't take the time to write about them. Most gay guys aren't stupid like women, they aren't super emotional, they don't do that crap. Make friends with an actual faggot before attributing whatever generic attitude deficiency your narrow and shallow mind can cook up.

- Stereotypical "goth-punk-whatever" high school stories. Jesus, I know it's been years since I was in middle school, but hasn't this gone out of fashion? People who subscribe to a stereotype are automatically douche bags, so why in the world would you want to write about them? Let those morons rot.

- Authors who only want nice reviews. Let's get serious, now; what if someone has some honest-to-god criticism of your story? Are you going to sit in your pool of self pity and denial and refuse to listen? "You can only tell me this story rocks?" Realistically speaking, you're never gonna get that shit unless someone's lying.

- Philosophical fanfiction. Glory be, if I wanted philosophy I'd take a philosphy class with a professor who knows what he's talking about. I'm not going to go to some high schooler (or, heaven forbid, a middle schooler.. I know they're lurking out there somewhere) and ask for their pseudo-profound opinions on whatever. You bastards don't know what you're talking about anyway.

- Teenage angst. Alright, boys and girls, this is a medically enlightened day and age and you're no longer losers dressed in black, crying over your bad poetry and cutting your wrists. Just going through ten pages of fanfiction I see almost half the stories are about someone being lonely or sad and there's suicide or character death or abuse or cutting or whatever. I don't know what you kids do for fun nowadays, but surely you can think of something novel and new and not generically retarded.

- Japanese words. Japanese is a fun language, sure. I like linguistics. But god damn it boy, you're writing the story in English. Can you not stick random gibberish into your work? That's worse than Chinese shirts with their nonsensical English bits shoved into the kanji, it makes no sense and makes you look like a pretentious dick. "Look at me, I know a couple words in a different language! I'll teach them to you, too" which is a huge presumption because what if I like your work but don't want you to shove your bit of learning in my face?

Want me to add another pet peeve? Keep writing stories.