Hey Everyone this is Serin and I decided to give out a little bit about myself.

Age: 19

Location: a State

Something: I love dogs and have a horde of Pugs

just to let y'all know this is a but load of quotes that i have collected from around this site for the last 7-8 years, and if you don't want to read them the click on the Hide Bio button up at the top right

1."Life would only be easy if you remember to breathe..."
2."Don't take life too seriously, no one gets out alive..."
3."I don't like you, you don't like me...we're on even grounds..."
4."Love and war are the same. One minute you are winning it and the next your dying because of it..."
5."Being lost and not found is a pleasant retreat from the harsh reality that is life."
6."WARNING! Please stay 10 feet away. May be dangerous."
7."Do you see me laughing?"
8."I'm just as sweet as a viper snake..."
9."I only look sweet..."
10."The aliens have landed and they're eating all the skinny blondes first."
11."You are a loser. I am a goddess. Any questions?"
12."Wouldn't you like to know?"
13."I'm free, one day you'll see..."
14."If only you knew...but if you knew what is best for you then you wouldn't want to know...”
15."When pigs fly I might care."
16."I'm the man of the house and I have my wife's permission to say so."
17."I have problems...the guy in my head said so..."
18."No rules apply..."
19."I could be nicer to you but what fun will that be?"
20."You'd think they'd be at least one smart person on the Earth other than the ones who have filed for insanity..."
21."Not even when I'm six feet under and dead as a door knob..."
22."Mirror, you scare me..." -Foxy
23."I'd scream wolf but I don't think anyone would care..." -Foxy
24."Cry me a river, build me a bridge, and get over it..." -Foxy
25."Did you say something? I was trying not to listen..." -Foxy
26."Angel or Devil - you decide."
27."If Tylenol, Duck Tape, and a Band Aid can't fix it, then you have a serious problem."
28."I'd like to help you out... which way did you come in?"
29."Thank you Captain Obvious!"
30."Love is like a War- easy to start, hard to end."
31."Sometimes I think that the person who made up tennis was right- Love counts for nothing."
32."Always remember- when a guy sweeps you off you’re feet, he is in the perfect position to drop you on your ass."
33."Don't spit into the wind- trust me on this one!"
34."Do you have a map? I'm getting lost in your eyes..."
35. "A wise man once said, "I don't know - go ask a woman."
36."I'm so dangerous, I should come with a warning label."
37."I like to visit reality, but I wouldn't want to live there."
38."Ginger Rogers did everything that Fred Astraire did, only she did it backwards, and in high heels."
39."A woman is like a tea bag... you don't know how strong she is until you put her in hot water."
40."Coffee, chocolate, men... some things are just better rich!"
41."WARNING: I have an attitude and know how to use it."
42."Of course I don't look busy... i did it right the first time."
43 "Do not start with me, you will not win."
44."All stressed out and no one to choke."
45."I can be one of those bad things that happen to bad people."
46."Don't upset me! I'm running out of places to hide the dead bodies!"
47."IF YOU WANT BREAKFAST IN BED, SLEEP IN THE KITCHEN!"
48.“We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.”
49."Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye.”
50.“I won’t be surprised to find that when the world goes crazy I’ll be considered sane. Until then, fuck you.”
51“If you can’t do it right, why bother?”
52.“Almost free of these chains…”
53.“Notice my grr?”
54.“Did you ever get the feeling the world is a stage and you’re the only person sitting in the audience?”
55.“…I’ve heard similar things from fools whose memories I keep alive by dancing on their tombstones!”
56.“I gonna slit your stomach, take out your guts, and put them in a bowl!”
57.“Quiet brain, or I’ll stab you with a Q-tip!”
58.“Don’t make me get my flying monkeys!”
59.“Because you’re ugly and your mother hates you.”
60.“You’re looking at me like I wanna see your face!”
61.“Your face hurts my feelings!”
62.“One by one the penguins steal my sanity.”
63.“Can’t sleep the clowns will eat me…
Can’t sleep the clowns will eat me…
Can’t sleep the clowns will eat me…”
64.“Give me coffee and no one gets hurt!”
65“Here’s to you,
Here’s to me,
Best friends we’ll always be,
And if somehow we disagree,
To hell with you, here’s to me!”
66.“It must be nice to see the world from the inside of your own ass!”
67.“We are the people our parents warned us about.”
68.“Nothing quite brings out the zest for life in a person like the thought of their impending death.”
69.“Ah shit, you’re gonna try to cheer me up, aren’t you?”
70.“Try not to let your mind wander. It’s too small to be outside on its own.”
71."I would never do crack... I would never do a drug named after a part of my own ass, okay?"
72.“Holy Shit! My House is on fire! Hmmm…Marshmallows…”
73.“Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.”
74."Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together."
75."Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps."
76."At my age I do what Mark Twain did. I get my daily paper, look at the obituaries page and if I'm not there I carry on as usual."
77."If I promise to miss you ... Will you go away?"

- A good friend will bail you out of jail, but a best friend will be in the cell next to you saying," That was so fun!"

- Silence is golden but shouting is FUN!!

-(Jamaican voice) You shall stay with me... FOREVA!!(Blows imaginary dust off hand)

- I don't try to outdo you...It just happens.

- Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I swear you throw that rock at me one more time, I will shove it up your but!

-Insolent fool!! How dare you question the textbook!! The textbook never lies!! The textbook never lies!!

-My name? I am known by many names. Son of the Dark Prince, Child of Darkness, Some call me the Altar Boy of Doom. Others will know me as the Second Coming of Damnation! My mom calls me Pepito!

Silence is golden, I have been broken, safe in my own skin so nobody wins."

“You humanss are sstarting to pissss me off! Who wantss to be the firsst one to be bitten?? I have enough poissson for everyone!”

"I mean, I know I'm an evil, soulless bastard, but from what I hear, that shouldn't matter to you."

SHATTERED
My heart cannot bleed, my soul cannot breathe, I am broken. I pray for death, but it does not come. I am broken. I ask for strength, but am torn down again. They broke me. My spirit is dead, my life is empty. I am broken. The wall is built, the chains are strong, I have been broken. I cannot love, I cannot hate, my soul is shattered.

"So it's a mass assassination?"

Go on, my friends. Nibble his feet

Harry and Ginny, predictable to the bone.
Ron and Hermione won’t they leave me alone.
Draco and Harry are not my cup of tea.
Neither are Cho and Blaise Zabini.
Severus and Sirius, I never was one for slash.
While Lily and James most certainly do clash.
Voldemort and Dumbledore how sick and unhip.
So this is why I sail the Draco / Ginny ship.
An aristocratic nose he has and white blond hair to boot.
A Malfoy he is, from a house of ill repute.
A long mane of fiery hair and very tiny despite her voice.
Ginny and Malfoy together, never, at least not by her choice.
Sure they are predictable, he’s evil and she's not.
She always has no money, while he has got a lot.
They always collide most accidentally.
And the always trade insults coincidentally.
He’ll call her a Weasel and him a great big ferret .
Or a comment about her hair as red as a large fresh carrot.
She is fire to his ice.
He is mean to her nice.
Slytherin and Gryffinor, the lion and the snake.
The finest couple in the world, for heaven bloody sake.

To think is to feel, to feel is to cry, to cry is to stop living my lie

As your emergency backup godfather, I'd go to Hell itself to give the Devil a wedgie

“Ecky- ecky- ecky- ecky- pikang- zoop- boing- goodem- zoo- owli- zhiv!!”

Oh. I got near the sugar today, so don't worry... It passes...Usually

Yeah, I could just picture myself getting addicted. Hi, I'm Tristan Harland and I'm an ice cream-holic. I've gained fifty pounds in the last month and my stomach is so huge now, I have trouble seeing my feet."

No, I just saw him on the streets and decided that he'll make a nice pet
"You are Mr. Tinkles, you are in your little factory, and you are a cat trying to take over the world, with a formula that will make the whole world allergic to Dogs, so the dogs can't come to the humans rescue. Mr. Tinkles, your real name, is The Lone Ranger, you are in the jail house, you were trying to help your friend Tonto but were captured, you like to run around saying high ho Silver."

Whatever.” Kirk continued. “Anyways, just so you know, my father-in-law is a doctor. In case you ever want to get that stick removed from you’re a-“

You-Know-Who could be anyone ranging from Michael Jackson to the Teletubbies.

“Why thank you. Now, am I going to have to address you as ‘Big Ominous Voice’ or can I have a name?”

"For the love of la chupacabra no ones going to kidnap us!!"

School is hell. My current conspiracy theory is that the teachers suck out your brains while you're sleeping. Or that the cafeteria puts cocaine in the cookies and breakfast sandwiches, namely because they taste horrible and yet for some reason, everyone can't get enough of them.

I do a little victory dance. “See?” I crow. “It only took you three years, but you finally realized it. Now come to the dark side of motorcycles. We have great engines.”
“NOOO!!” He wailed theatrically, shielding his face with his thin arms. “You’ll never seduce me, you evil siren of foreign goods! I’ll remain patriotic! I will!”
I sigh heavily, throwing my hands up in near defeat. “So close this time, so very close indeed

have you completely lost your mind?!"
"One or two times, yes, but not recently"

Pulse – normal - check.
Breath - normal - check.
Butterflies - none - check.
Blushing - none - check.
Oh, he’s coming over…!
Heart - racing – che…shit!
Okay, moving on. I’m sure it was nothing. Umm…right…
Brain - working - NOT! Oh, God, help me!
Okay, starting over again.
Pulse - fast - damn!
Breath - even faster - not good…!
Butterflies - a lot – what’s wrong with me?!
Blushing - like a tomato. I’m screwed.

"Road Kill Café, you kill it we grill it."

"A, B, C, D, E, F, G... gummie bears are chasing me. One is red and one is blue-a green one came and took my shoe."

City morgue you stab ‘em we slab ‘em

"People have Hope because they cannot see Death standing behind them

"When life throws you lemons make lemonade. Then track down life and pour the burning acid of the lemonade in its eyes. Then say, "Throw lemons at me again see what happens

Never rest, Never fear for the best of what you are shall soon appear. With your will, you shall succeed, and be the all that you are meant to be. With victory comes a loss for you shall seek a greater cause. No more tears and no more worry, your greatest joy will come from a journey. Speak softly and from the heart, you shall complete your part. One book closed, another rewritten, for new shall start these visions. Dark goes towards the light, as violets bloom in a new field a new sight. Moonlight shines bright, awaiting the small star surrounding by the elements of afar. Time stands but not alone, as space joins the throne. A coin of new finds a land anew where upon five discovers two.

"T-Targets?"
"Yeah. It's a bit hard to mass-murder people if we don't know what they look like."

Who says cops don't have a sense of humor?
The following were taken off actual police car video around the country:

"Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."

"Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

"Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second? In case you didn't know, that is the average speed of a 9 mm bullet fired from my gun."

"So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

"Yes, Sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh ... did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"

"Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

"Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey poop."

"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

"In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."

"Just how big were those two beers?"

"No sir we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."

"I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."

"You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."

"Tell me…how is Denial Land these days? Nice weather?"
"Wonderful." Never rains, temperature is never too hot or too cold. Oh, and we’re thinking of adding a pool."

I always talk when you don’t.
I never listen when you do.
I can be extremely sweet,
but, it’s disturbing to you.
I’m hardly ever into what’s cool.
I can be sarcastic and very blunt;
I can be cold and awfully mean.
Hurt my friends, and it’s you I’ll hunt.
I talkative, yet I’m very quiet.
I can smile, though it is sadistic.
I’m told I’m dark and I know it.
I find the darkness mystic.
I’m different or just plain weird,
I’m crazy or sometimes insane,
If I’m angry I’m a force to be reckoned with.
Annoy me and you will be slain.
In the misguided world of fashion,
never will I wear the horrid color pink.
You’ll see that I hate it (with a passion).
I’d rather stare at the wall and I won’t blink.
Some say I might have a heart of gold;
that I can be as sweet as sweet can be.
So, I’m a complex person, or so I’m told,
But then again, am I not being me?

Humanity will fall beneath me as I rule the world

Fair warning. I intend to drink at least one glass of holy water a day from now on, at different times. Bite at your own risk."

Do you know if it's possible to rip out someone's throat with a spork?

Your in way over your head and I’m going to enjoy watching you squirm’
"For beauty is nothing but the beginning of terror we can just barely endure, and we admire it so because it calmly disdains to destroy us."

Zetsumei o seisuhuku tsubasa tame kyuumin mugen- Death on silent wings to idle dreams
Mezameyou Kono Shunkan Wo- Never Put Your Hand in Front of A Singing Assassin
Shinku Eitai- crimson eternity’

Inuyasha, meet concrete. Concrete, meet Inuyasha. You will be the best of friends.

Okay.’ I lectured myself ‘Cool down. Ripping their inner organs and force- feeding them it won’t make this day any better. Patience is the way to go.’ I mentally counted to ten, and I drew and deep breath in and I breathed it out. ‘Yep. Patience is the best way to go.’

Laughter may ensue leading your co-workers to see you as even more insane than they previously thought.
Mafia King pulled his portable radio from his pocket. Tuning into the frequency the off duty guards were using he spoke “Snow war, I repeat, snow war on the North side. Back up requested and bring two coats, it’s bloody cold out here.”
Harry couldn’t help but grin when he noticed the white knuckles of Trevor’s hands as ‘Uncle Trevor’ gripped the ‘oh shit handle’ of the car tightly

The strangest game he had ever seen played was when a few of the men had combined their presents to turn a simple game of Mouse Trap into a war zone after they somehow combined it with the game of Clue and some miniature army men. For some reason he was thinking that in the end it was a red mouse that killed Colonel Mustard in the trap with a piece of cheese while smoking the lead pipe, only to be assassinated by the army men who revolted and claimed Miss Scarlet as the spoils of war because the ghost of Mr. Boddy told them to.

Quick Darth Vader, take out G.I. Joe before he can wrest the crown from the red mouse and steal the cheese

"May God rest all your souls in the lowest pit of Hell and be true to your possessions as what you act alike."
"You are a human being so you wouldn't know what's good for you. Because of that, listen to me and stay away."
"You stare at me as if I were a plague on the face of mankind; I stare at you because you are that plague that haunts the face of mankind."
"Sing the tune of a happy life and I'll hum the song of a dying mortal."
"Keep running; I'm driving."
"Ask yourself, 'why is she so cold?' and I'll tell you to look in a mirror."
"You look at me as if I'm some innocent child when I showed you proof last night that I'm not."
"Hunt down my work and tell me you understand me and I'll tell you to keep trying."
"Mean people suck; nice people swallow. I'm confused, I chew."
"At long last I am looking into the eyes of a deceased mortal... and only mere seconds before I was staring into the eyes of the one who is currently reading this quote."

Should we pillage and plunder and absolutely worship the artifacts we find in it
We must get revenge. A homicidal, completely insane, diabolical, sexy guy who thinks he’s a ghost has degraded rock music. It’s time for the heavy artillery: Glow-In-The-Dark paint
If at first you don’t succeed, blame someone else and seek counseling
I was now officially afraid. Woman and shopping is the equivalent of children and candy. All men: Be afraid. Be very afraid. Especially when there are sales and discounts involved.
That was no dream! The clown was dressed up like Santa Claus and he was trying to get me to join their legion of clowns to take over the world! I can't take over the world with them! I'm already pledged to dominating the world with the squirrels, llamas, and penguins!
We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture
Ow! My leg was just mauled by the linoleum flooring! And my shoelace was in on it too! See what grave danger I’m in.

To see a world in a grain of sand,
And a heaven in a wild flower,
Hold infinity in the palm of your hand,
And eternity in an hour.

Dylan glanced up to meet Marie’s taunting eyes and scowled. He looked back down to his hand and felt sweat trickle down his face. He was in a tuff spot. The pressure was all on him. This final choice would determine everything. Sighing he looked up to Marie and said, “Do you have an ace of hearts?”
Marie smirked and said, “Go fish.”
“Noooooo!” Dylan yelled and threw his cards up in the air as Marie laughed in victory. “I win!” she yelled as she reached over and grabbed a pile of chocolate bars.

If at first you don’t succeed, fuck the world and smoke some weed.

There's the undeniable pull of the rebel. Rules are made for breaking, we all know that. We're willing to play by the rules most of the time, but who among us hasn't wanted to just do it our way one or two hundred times a day?
And then there's power. The best villians are kings and queens, generals and geniuses. They've risen to the top of their hill; they have the followers, the ideas, the money, the brains.
So, leave the heroes and heroines behind...we wanna be as bad as we can be! Give us the leather, the weapons, the castles on the hill, the space ships and the mad visions of a new world, paperwork be damned! We're gonna be evil, we're gonna get the girl or guy, we're gonna blow our enemies away and for one brief, glorious moment, we're going to live the dream of complete ownership of everything. Because there's nothing in the world as good as being really, really bad

The Nunchaku and the Tonfa were both originally used as farming tools in the past. Who knew? But then again, if used right, a pair of chopsticks could make a mean weapon

"What the Hell happened?"
"I've no idea."
"It feels as thought there's a truck-race inside my head, and the drivers don't see the difference between the road and a wall."
"Really witty Malfoy."
"Well what do you want me to do? Put on a skirt and dance the cancan?"
"Okay, you're beginning to scare me."
"When aren't you scared Longbottom?"
"Is that an offence?"
"No, it's cupcake trying to eat you. Of course it's an offence!"
"Well, at least cupcakes taste good."
"And I bet you taste good to the cupcake."
"How did cupcakes end up in this argument?"

“But…why are you doing this? You don’t even know me, or my friend! For all you know…we could be evil demon children in disguise, here to just rip you apart and eat your organs or something.

There she- uh-oh. She's got her insane, murder-someone-with-spoons face on…

I can't talk right now I'm busy because I have a very short attention GASP! A LLAMA!!

“Why is heaven pink?”
“Mortal! You presume this to be heaven? This, mortal, is HELL! You will have to take care of pink bunnies for the rest of eternity! You will have to wear pink clothes and eat pink food! And I’ll be damned if you don’t shit pink shit!”

There was once a girl who was hopelessly in love with someone who would never love her back. Whenever she was reminded of him, she would become quiet and sink into her thoughts. Even when she took a shower, she would sometimes curl up on the floor, thinking. Thinking is all she would do about him. Sometimes she would hear his voice in her head, but she waved it off as a sign of depression. This girl would eve cry herself to sleep at night often. But such is the way of forbidden love. It can never be...

When life gives you lemons, make grape juice. Then sit back and let the world wonder how you did it.

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes an even bigger man to laugh at that man.

Suicide is a way of telling God, "YOU CAN'T FIRE ME, I QUIT!"

Death is a way of God telling you not to be a wise guy.

Its tourist season, so why can't I shoot them?

Don't play dumb with me, I'll always win.

Whoever said nothing is impossible, never tried to slam a revolving door...

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

I used to have an open mind, but my brains kept falling out.

Join the army, visit exotic places, meet strange people, then kill them.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

3 kinds of people: those who can count, and those who can't.

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

Do not play leapfrog with a unicorn.

I have the Body of a god...Buddha...

A memory that’s never lost,
A story to be told,
A single moment trapped in time,
The longing that it holds.
The memory of something gone,
A story that’s elapsed,
A lonely second lost in time,
A mind is calling back.

"OH MY GOSH! ITS A WILD CHICKEN!! WITH RABIES!!"

It is much easier for good to deal with evil than it is for good to deal with stupidity

Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional"

Here's to the crazy ones.
The misfits. The rebels.
The troublemakers.
The round pegs in the square holes.
The ones who see things differently.
They aren't fond of rules.
And they have no respect for the status quo.
You can quote them. Disagree with them.
Glorify or Villify them. But the only thing you can't do is ignore them.
Because they change things.
They push the human race forward.
And while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius.
Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do

'I can just get a dog..' A small laugh was forced from her sore throat. Somehow the thought of having a fluffy little poodle while running from guns and fighting off the law and other criminals was hilarious.
‘I feel safe in the arms of a mass murderer.’

"If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving is not for you."

"Careful with that light at the end of the tunnel, it might be another train coming."

"I only know how to do things 3 ways: the WRONG way. the RIGHT way. and MY way.which is really the WRONG way, only faster

"There's a light at the end of every tunnel, just pray it's not a train. Ahhh damnit it was a train! Shit! Now i'm gonna really see the light!"

"I feel short," Harry blurted out. "I mean really short! How tall are those doors? Eight, twelve feet? Is everything here gigantic? Maybe I should carry around a ladder with me so I can reach the top of the tables. Or is there some sort of drink that you eat...I mean drink...or was it the cake that you drank...I mean ate...I like mushrooms..."

Because bloody Bob wants a hair from a horses mane. And not just any horse will do either. Noooo. It has to be a Unicorn. Why am I a virgin? If I wasn’t a virgin I would not be trudging through the damn fool forest at night looking for a Unicorn. For all I know the one I find… eventually… might be gay. Oh, that would be lovely

Old Godzilla was hopping around Tokyo City like a big playground, when suddenly Batman burst from the shade and hit Godzilla with a Bat-grenade, Godzilla got pissed and began to attack but didn't expect to be blocked by Shaq, who proceeded to open up a can of Shaq Fu, when Aaron Carter came out of the blue, and he started beating up Shaquille O'Neal, then they both got flattened by the Bat-mobile but before it could make it back to the Bat-cave Abraham Lincoln popped out of his grave and took an AK47 out from under his hat and blew Batman away with a rat-a-tat-tat but he ran out of bullets and he ran away because Optimus Prime came to save the day this is the Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny good guys, bad guys, and explosions as far as the eye can see and only one will survive, I wonder who it will be this is the Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny Godzilla took a bite out of Optimus Prime like Scruff McGruff took a bite out of crime and then Shaq came back covered in a tire track but Jackie Chan jumped out and landed on his back and Batman was injured, and trying to get steady when Abraham Lincoln came back with a machete but suddenly something caught his leg and he tripped Indiana Jones took him out with his whip then he saw Godzilla sneaking up from behind and he reached for his gun which he just couldn't find 'cause Batman stole it and he shot and he missed and Jackie Chan deflected it with his fist then he jumped in the air and did a summersault while Abraham Lincoln tried to pole vault onto Optimus Prime, but they collided in the air then they both got hit by a Care Bear Stare, oooh this is the Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny good guys, bad guys, and explosions as far as the eye can see and only one will survive, I wonder who it will be this is the Ultimate Showdown... angels sang out in immaculate chorus down from the heavens descended Chuck Norris who deliver a kick which could shatter bones into the crotch of Indiana Jones who fell over on the ground, writhing in pain as Batman changed back into Bruce Wayne but Chuck saw through his clever disguise and he crushed Batman's head in between his thighs then Gandalf the Grey and Gandalf the White and "Monty Python and the Holy Grail"'s Black Knight and Benito Mussolini and The Blue Meanie and Cowboy Curtis and Jambi the Genie Robocop, the Terminator, Captain Kirk, and Darth Vader Lo Pan, Superman, every single Power Ranger Bill S. Preston and Theodore Logan, Spock, The Rock, Doc Ock, and Hulk Hogan all came out of no where lightning fast and they kicked Chuck Norris in his cowboy ass it was the bloodiest battle the world ever saw with civilians looking on total awe and the fight raged on for a century many lives were claimed, but eventually the champion stood, the rest saw their better: Mr. Rogers in a bloodstained sweater this is the Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny good guys, bad guys, and explosions as far as the eye can see and only one will survive, I wonder who it will be this is the Ultimate Showdown... this is the Ultimate Showdown... this is the Ultimate Showdown... of Ultimate Destiny

In my world, if it quacks like a duck, waddles like a duck…then its probably a vampire duck out to suck the fun outta my Saturday night

Look! A distraction

When you step to the edge of all the light you have left and take that first step into the darkness of the unknown, you might believe one of two things will happen. There will be something solid for you to step upon, or you will learn how to fly
"I Dislike Death But there are things I Dislike more then Death therefore there are times when I will not avoid Danger. Death Before Dishonor
"It's a choice that's been offered to many men, be a slave in heaven or a star in hell and hell doesn't always look like hell on a good day it can look a lot like LA.
God grant me the serenity to except the things I can not change the Courage to change the things I can and the Wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill be cause they Pissed Me Off
“Get back here, or so help me, I’ll stand in a cemetery shouting ‘Eat Me’!”

1. The answer is 42… what is the question.
2. Do, or do not, there is no try.
3. Size matters not.
4. For every rule there is a loophole.
5. If life gives you lemons you should make lemonade then find someone who’s life has given them vodka and have a party.
6. Ignorance of the law is no excuse.
7. Profiling is Wrong!
8. There IS a difference between anecdote and antidote.
9.You can't fix stupid.
10.Guns don't kill people, husbands that come home early do.
11.When you have fat friends there are no seesaws, only catapults.
12. If you expect a kick in the balls, and you get a slap in your face, then it’s a victory.
13. When in Margarita Villa’ look behind the couch.
14. When bringing a person from another planet, always make sure that they’re not a bomb, or a biological weapon.
15. There is always an option B.
16. Violence is never the answer except to all of America’s problems.
17. There are no stupid questions only stupid people.
18. All stupid questions will be met with a stupid response.
19. Video Games don’t kill people, they only kill they’re minds.
20. When they tell you not to feed the bears, don’t feed the bears.
21. If your name is Man #1 never inspected that strange noise coming from the attic.
22. Finally: If you ain’t laughin’, you anit livin’.
23.“Dude, we’re not stealing…we’re borrowing without the intention of returning it,”

Ohayo Gozaimasu: good morning (formal)
Kami (sama): God
Miko: priestess
Matte: Wait!
Okaa - san: mother
Otou - san: Father
Demo: But
Chikshou: Damn
Shimatta: Dammit!
Kuso: Shit
Oyasumi (nasai): good night (formal)
Ningen No Baka: Idiotic human
Baka: Stupid
Kisama: Bastard
Mou: something like ‘geez’
Hoari: short silk Jackets
Habutae and Tsumugi: Two sorts of fabrics for Hoari’s exterior Habutae : black reeled silk and Tsumugi: hand spun silk.
Yukata: Summer Kimonos
Hakama: Japanese pants
Ookami: Wolf
onna: Woman
Ikou: Lets go!
Monku: Bitch
Doushita no: what’s wrong?
Urusai: shut up
Arigato: thank you
Ja ne: see you later
Hiretuken: mean Bastard
Omae o Korosu: I’m gonna kill you
Ai Shiteru: I love you

Any suggestions on what I should take?”
“Guns.” was the initial suggestion.
“Check.”
“Bigger guns.”
“Check.”
“Really big guns.”
“Check.”
“Throwing knives.”
“Check.”
“Katana.”
“Check.”
“Grenades.”
“Check. Anything else?”
“The car?”

'As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death (for I am the baddest mother fucker in the valley).'
'May god have mercy on my enemies, because I sure as hell won't.'
'Forgive your enemies after they are slain.'
'You tell me that I sin, You say I'm bound for hell, So once your judgement condemns you, I SHALL SEE YOU THERE.'

Auron dodged an attack from the Malboro before him, uttering a quick command to Yuna.
“Summon, now!” he called, and Yuna nodded. Waving her staff, she called forth Ifrit…
And nothing appeared. Yuna stared at the staff, bewildered, and tried again.
Still nothing.
“He’s probably just being shy,” Rikku chuckled, ducking as the Malboro snorted another attack towards her. “Oh, and you didn’t call him by the right name. Here,” she said, digging through her pockets before pulling out a small sheet of paper and handing it to Yuna. Yuna read the sheet, her eyes widening.
“You renamed my Aeons?” she cried, looking at her cousin in shock. Rikku nodded happily.
“It wasn’t easy, either.”
Yuna shook her head before chanting the ritual again. “Come forth… Snuffles,” she said hesitantly, and the ground underneath her shook resentfully. Snuffles, formerly known as Ifrit, emerged rather grumpily. Tidus snorted as Yuna gasped in shock.
“What have you done to Ifrit?” she yelled at Rikku, who was rolling on the ground in her mirth. For the poor Aeon was now bedecked in shimmering beads, its once fluffy mane now braided with gaudy ribbons. The Aeon looked at Yuna resentfully before attacking and destroying the giggling Malboro, obviously anxious to return to his fiery hole.
Yuna, eyes narrowed, summoned the remaining Aeons. Valefor, the only one to retain her own name, looked quite happy with the ribbons and beads now braided among her feathers. Sparky, aka Ixion, pranced about happily as well, content with his new decorations.
“I can’t call Shiva that!” Yuna exclaimed as she moved down the list to the next Aeon.
“Well, that is her name,” Rikku gasped from the ground, her eyes flowing in amused tears.
“Please, help us… Frigid Bitch,” Yuna whispered, and Shiva appeared in her usual display of ice crystals, her mouth set in a thin line as she glared down at Rikku before disappearing once again.
“Do I even want to see what you’ve done to… Pooky Bear?” Yuna asked reluctantly.
“Probably not,” Rikku chirped, wiping her eyes. Yuna summoned the poor creature, however, who crashed to the ground next to the almost oblivious Rikku, glaring through his own ribbons, beads, and pair of teddy bear ears she somehow managed to affix to his draconic head. The other guardians snorted in laughter as the dragon contemplated whether or not it should Mega-Flare her… again. It eventually shook its head before dismissing itself.

“Well I’ll be damned...” “Yes, yes you will... several times actually but that is not the point

"Life fears Death but lives only to Die"

"May god have mercy on my soul for what I have to become to do what must be done."

The others have no choice but to do what Yuriko had told them to do or else they have to face the wrath of… dun dun dun… THE EVIL CORRUPTED MIDGETS!

When a group of psychopaths calls you insane…does it really count?

I like slaughtering mortals and tormenting their wretched souls for all of eternity”

It’s called: Mass Devastation If-You-Annoy-Me Book Attack.
I can do: Ultimate Fury If-You-Piss-Me-Off Mulitple Strike Book Attack Part 2… but he didn’t deserve it yet

I gave him the Mass Devastation If-You-Annoy-Me Book Attack, combined with my Ultimate Fury If-You-Piss-Me-Off Mulitple Strike Book Attack Part 2 and my super-mega attack: Infinite Slaps of Pain For Being Annoying, Mean, And Making Me Pissed Fury Ultra Omega Technique. I have one more super duper, hyper-hypo attack left... but that's for laters...

Disgusting wasn’t a strong enough word to describe the men’s bathroom. It was rancid in there, and she swore a roach that she saw in the last stall had pulled a knife on her.

"Everything’s Possible just not Probable. So is it possible for something to be impossible?"
"If you hear anything suspicious, say like sirens...floor it."
"Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect."
"Children: You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then the next sixteen years you're telling them to sit down and shut up."
"As I lay in bed last night, looking up at the stars and the moon, I thought to myself, 'Where the hell is my ceiling?'"
"I lost my mind a long time ago. Hm ... But, I haven't missed it yet."

“All who do not fear me will parish, and all who come near me will burn. I will slay and I will down the pills of hatred you throw at me. No one will me see as I come.”

Twinkle, twinkle little knife, How I wonder what is life. As I bring it to my wrist, I know I will not be missed. Twinkle, twinkle little knife. Now is time to leave this life.

“Kagome has a knack for getting herself into trouble. If she found a bunny, it would turn out to be a blood sucking bunny bent on world domination.”

I've been to jail three times in the past year, I've tried to kill 6 people, and I made my Grandma cry!

A love long lost in cruel time
Echoes like the church bell's chime...
Waiting for that one true feeling
When my heart would skip its rhythmic beating...
My mind would swoon, my body weak
That one true feeling I still seek...

“I'M NOT A FATASS DAMN IT! I'M JUST CHUBBY! HORRAY FOR CHUBBIES!”

Most people fear the dark, and the unknowns it holds. Me, I don’t. I like the dark. I can see in it fairly well, and I’ve got a death wish any way. No, I’m not suicidal. I’m a morbid optimist with a death wish, that’s all.

“I read way to many vampire stories. My thinking is twisted. When I laugh, it’s either hysterical hissing, or an evil cackle.”

Thank you, thank you, thank you very much! I take pride in my annoyance skills!
"If anime guys were real the world would be a better place, more violent and destructive, but better."
"Roses are red, violets are blue, if you touch me, I'll kill you."
"When I fall in love, the Sun will collide with the Earth and our planet will explode."
"If we're going to die, we might as well go laughing insanely."
"East to the sea, West to the land, Death to the Bitch that touches my man."
"You've been a bad pet rock, into the yogurt with you."
"I'm so passive I could murder."
“He who walks in the company of death knows not the joys of life.”
“I stood with the Dead, so forsaken and still: When dawn was grey I stood with the Dead. And my slow heart said, 'you must kill, you must kill: 'Soldier, soldier, morning is red'.”
No I am sane, everyone tells me so, like those nice nurses in the happy place where you get a happy hugging jacket and a padded room to play in.

But they came from all around, various objects in hand. There was a rubber duck, a fork, a spoon, and one guy even ripped off one of the dead girl’s arms and began poking him with it. Poke. Poke. Poke. Poke.

He's not dead; he's electroencephalographically challenged.
I refuse to engage in an intellectual battle with an unarmed man.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm
Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes..
24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ...coincidence?
Never argue with an idiot, they'll bring you to their level then beat you with experience.

"I am known as Valentinez Alkalinella Xifax Sicidabohertz Gombigobilla Blue Stradivari Talentrent Pierre Andri Charton-Haymoss Ivanovici Baldeus George Doitzel Kaiser III. Don't hesitate to call."

“I know that you think you understood what you thought I said, but I’m not sure you realize that what you heard isn't what I meant.”

"Okay, damn it to the Fourth Ring of Hell and the Pits of Despair with a hint of use in the Cliffs of Insanity."

"Never underestimate the power of a fangirl with a PEN and PAPER."

“You think that’s weird. I just had a dream that I was home and my family was waging a war against the red coats in our back yard. I went inside our house to check on my nieces and nephews, but while I was in there, Queen Victoria, who was up in my parents’ room, died. I tried to get outside to help fight the battle, but Legolas was guarding the door and he was wearing red socks.”

"The snow is so pretty and sparkly! It just makes you want to burst into song! AHH! It's in my EYE!"

"Sarah, it is not my fault you have such a short attention span...OH Look! A LEAF!"

"Gramma! My pickle fell in the catfood...and now Kate's licking it!"

1) How To Stop Writer’s Block-
Step 1. Write one good sentence.
Step 2. Write another good sentence.
Step 3. Repeat steps 1 and 2 until novel is complete.
Step 4. Stop.
2) "I missed you . . . . but my aim is improving."
3) "Be true to your heart, and live life as it dictates."
4) "Until one has loved an animal, a part of one’s soul remains unawakened."
5) "Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."
6) "You know, when I look at you, I see all the things that I hate about myself. . . . . . It hurts."
7) "...I'm not afraid of happy endings, I'm afraid that my life won't work out like that..."
8) "Words can mend both lies and truths. If you so much as twitch in the wrong direction, I will impale you."
9) "Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect."
10) "I love you baby, but I don’t have to like you right now."
11) "Anyone who can only think of only one way to spell a word obviously lacks imagination."
12) "How are we going to have a battle of wits? You're unarmed."

"Sex could kill you. Do you know what the human body goes through when you have sex? Pupils dilate, arteries constrict, core temperature rises, heart races, blood pressure skyrockets, respiration becomes rapid and shallow, the brain fires bursts of electrical impulses from nowhere to nowhere, secretions spit out of every gland and the muscles tense and spasm like you're lifting three times your body weight. It's violent, it's ugly and it's messy. And if God hadn't made it unbelievably fun, the human race would have died out eons ago. Men are lucky they can only have one orgasm. Do you know that women can have an hour long orgasm?"

"Life with men is like a deck of cards... You need a Heart to love them, a Diamond to marry them, a Club to beat them, and a Spade to bury the bastards."

I am the great destructible yet venganceful,
weak yet determined,
the hater of tuna,
happy and hyper and somewhat healthy,
the mystical being that haunts your dreams,
the shadow,that when you turn around is gone,
I am a figment of your imagination,
I am the moonlight trickling from the heavens,
I am the force that makes you doubletake,
I AM your food for thought,
I am there when you aren't and when you are there I am not,
my eyes pierce through the darkness,
I will drive you out of your mind,
If you don't believe you'd better,
cause I am here I AM real and you'd better look out,
cause I'll be here soon,
I AM a force to reckoned with,
I am the one the only lunakatrina,
and you'd better recognize cause nothing good can ever come from staying with normal people.
and I am certainly NOT normal

"A word of advice for you: 'You can't talk to a psycho like a normal human being,'"

"I am a man possessed by many demons. Polite demons that would open the door for a lady carrying too many parcels, but demons nonetheless!"

I want to marry the moon.
He wooed me last week, and I fell in love. Everything about him just tugs at my heartstrings and I grow unbearably home-sick during the day. The blinding rays of the sun beat out any memory of his gentle, pale face, and by sunset, I'm half-crazy.

I have no life, and therefore I'm deliriously happy. I live in some sort of dream, never awake and never asleep.
What am I?
I'm not really sure what to classify myself as, but once I walk past the mirrors I can emerse myself in my fantasies, some mine, some I belong to.

I make no sense = "interesting"
I'm impulsive = "spontaneous"
I'm addicted to my dreams = "committed"

My words are some sort of secret that I disclose. What am I?
A dream. Nothing more than the fictions I create.

I'm still wondering if I'm okay with that. Do I want something a little more stable? Or am I happy being nothing less than a wisp of smoke?
For now I'll just put my pencil to paper and let my soul fly away there.

Maybe the moon will know how to catch my spirit and give it back to me, all wrapped up in a velvet-lined box. Then he and I will bury it deep into the earth, and everyone will call it a "funeral", but we'll know better.
It's a beginning.

"It is not light that we need, but the fire, it is not the gentle shower, but thunder. We need the storm, the whirlwind, and the earthquake."

Hating you makes me feel all warm inside

"When you think about it. Revenge is the ultimate Hallmark card. It's like
saying 'you've effected my life so significantly, that I feel
compelled to
Effect your life in an equal and significant way. . ."

“Good night, Dak,” Jak said.
“Good night, Jak,” I replied.
“Good night, Jakie boy,” Jinx shouted.
“Good night, Jinx,” Jak replied.
“Good night, rat,” Jinx bellowed.
“Good night, Smoky,” Daxter replied hotly.
“Good night, Dax,” I said.
“Good night, Dak,” Daxter said.
“Good night, Dax,” Jak said.
“Good night, Jak,” Daxter answered.
“Good night, Jinx,” I said.
“Good night, Dak,” he shouted.
There was silence.
“You guys have got to be kidding,” Torn muttered.

We have before us an ordeal of the most grievous kind. We have before us many, many long months of struggle and of suffering. You ask, what is our policy? I can say: It is to wage war, by sea, land and air, with all our might and with all the strength that God can give us; to wage war against a monstrous tyranny, never surpassed in the dark, lamentable catalogue of human crime. That is our policy. You ask, what is our aim? I can answer in one word: It is victory, victory at all costs, victory in spite of all terror, victory, however long and hard the road may be; for without victory, there is no survival. Let that be realized; no survival for the British Empire, no survival for all that the British Empire has stood for, no survival for the urge and impulse of the ages, that mankind will move forward towards its goal. But I take up my task with buoyancy and hope. I feel sure that our cause will not be suffered to fail among men. At this time I feel entitled to claim the aid of all, and I say, ‘come then, let us go forward together with our united strength.

Life is a banquet, death is dessert

Let's go crazy! Bow to fruit! Give Chewbacca a perm

When life gives you lemons, look at them briefly and go back to your ice cream

Sugar is the almighty power of the universe

None of us are virgins. Life screws us all.

Now did the Lord say, “First thou pullest the Holy Pin. Then thou must count to three. Three shall be the number of the counting and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, neither shalt thou count two, excepting that thou then proceedeth to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the number of the counting, be reached, then lobbest thou the Holy Hand Grenade in the direction of thine foe, who, being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it.

He sees you when you're sleeping . . . he knows if you'e awake . . . he knows if you've been bad or good because SANTA'S A STALKER

If you believe PREPS TRAVEL IN PACKS, copy this

92 percent of American teens would die if Abercombie and Fitch told them it was uncool to breathe. Copy this if you would be the 8 percent that would be laughing your ass off.

Never knock on Death's door: ring the bell and run away! Death really hates that!

Paranoia: The sure way to survive.

If suspected of rule breaking, deny it and blame someone else.

“My squeak toy wants to take over the world…”

Ralph..." She said quietly, as the car drove away. "What?" "Get your bike and a heavy stick." "Why?" "We've got to stalk someone." "Yippee!" Ralph ran off to his garage. The simplest things made kids happy
“Why do your plans always consist of throwing things randomly?” “Cause usually we’re dealing with rabid squirrels throwing acorns at our houses.”

Nee-san: You keep talking to me like I care what you say. You stare at me like it’s my fault you’re ugly…

For me, crazy is a loose term. Crazy is when you stare at a pencil and laugh when someone asks you just what you find so interesting about the eraser. Crazy is when you have an hour-long sob-fest, then start singing and dancing when your favorite song plays. Crazy is when you do or say a totally random thing, like "do you ever wonder where the eraser bits go?" or start having a thumbwar with yourself (i find that i am a very tough opponent). So if you're crazy, copy this

I am standing in a crowd,
Everywhere I look people are talking.
Talking to each other, but not one to me.
I am a stranger in a familiar place.
I am a strange girl in a familiar world.
The crowds all around me are people that I know,
But do they know me?
They know who I am, but do they really know me?
I don’t know.
They are nice, but I must admit,
They are not friends, but they are not foes.
I am different from them,
And they don’t know how to treat me.
They are used to their friends who are just like them.
I am standing in a crowd,
And though there are people everywhere I am alone.
I sometimes feel like I’m dead,
Though I’m alive on the outside I feel dead inside.

Insanity is fun, resistance is futile.

"Fear is not a weakness. No. Fear is a good thing. To fear something is to respect it. Without fear, there would be no caution."

Two wrongs don't make a right. But three rights make a left, four rights make a circle and three rights, two lefts and an intersection make you totally lost.

"She'll be teaching them math- one bullet at a time! Okay, it'll be like, "If you have five bullets, and you shoot the bitch that didn't pay you back that money, how many bullets would you have left?" "Uh, well, that depends- did the bitch run?"

“Is it paranoia if they really are out to get you?”

‘I know I’m a son of a bitch, I like being a son of a bitch – the hours are good and there’s very little heavy lifting.’

It takes 42 muscles to frown and only four to extend my middle finger and tell you to bite me,

You could fit my capacity for happiness in a matchbox without taking out the matches first

An optimist is someone who thinks all is good
A pessimist is someone who laughs at an optimist.
So I'm a pessimist ... Sue me, like I care

Happiness is merely the repression of reality, an escape into a fantasy hiding that what we try to avoid, pain, misery, and insecurity

Good friends will help you move. REALLY good friends will help you move bodies

Every piece of paper has two good sides... Unless you use magic marker then you're fucked

He broke my heart, so I broke his jaw

I ran into my ex the other day... Put in reverse, AND HIT HIM AGAIN

I like to tell people I have the heart of a small boy. Then I say it's in a jar on my desk

A man talks dirty to a woman and its sexual harassment. A woman talks dirty to a man and its 3.95 a min.

Why doesn’t somebody take that stick out of your ass and beat you with it

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill him or herself, is it a hostage situation

Hey look over there! A convenient distraction

"Doing naughty things to the elves...shame on you!" "No Tyler, I'm not doing things to the elves...I'm doing naughty things WITH the elves"

“I’ll make you watch the grass grow!”

“I’M NOT FAT DAMN IT! I’M JUST CHUBBY! CHUBBIES FOREVER!”

..But there is suffering in life, and there are defeats. No one can avoid them. But it is better to loose some of the battles in the struggles for your dreams than to be defeated without ever knowing what you're fighting for.

Hopes and dreams only ever lead to hurt and pain. Better off sticking to reality, anyway. Makes life easier,

Did you read the small print of our contracts? No? We don’t do uniforms. Never have, never will. We are individuals, and we will be recognized for our own styles. I’m a diva,” Susan said.
“I’m a punk,” Terry said.
“I’m a prep,” Pansy stated.
“I’m a metal head,” Blaise listed off.
“I am the geek,” Luna said airily.
“I’m the emo punk rocker gangster skater boy who is part goth part jock,” Harry said proudly.
“Did you just make that up?” Blaise asked him.
“No.”
“Mhm.”
“I didn’t.”
“I believe you.”
“No you don’t.”
“Not really, no. I don’t,”

“Of course I am. If I were not confusing, I would be predictable. Predictable is utterly boring. If you are predictable, people know precisely what your next move will be,”

“So you’re the assholes that kidnapped my son!?” the shabby looking man roared. James jumped to his feet.
“What are you talking about? He’s MY son!” James growled.
“Than I was fourteen years worth of child support, dick. I taught him how to walk, and talk, and play football. I taught him how to apparate, and how to make a flame-thrower out of a water bottle and hairspray. You’re his father; I’m his dad. My title is earned, yours is given. You’ve had nothing to do with him. You abandoned him. RUN HARRY!”

“Do not look back and grieve over the past, for it’s gone; and do not be troubled about the future, for it has yet to come. Live in the present, and make it so beautiful that it will be worth remembering,”

“I've never tried to block out the memories of the past, even though some are painful. I don't understand people who hide from there past. Everything you live through helps to make you the person you are now.”

Honor thy name is thievery

“What happened so near that seems so long ago? Whether the twilight comes or goes, we march forward. Fate can be denied but only to a certain extent. Fore whom has the power to overthrow its word?”

"Going to McDonalds to buy a salad is like going to a crack house to buy medicine."

"He who lives by the sword, will eventually be wiped out by some bastard with a sawed off shotgun.".

“You called my lycanthropy my ‘furry little problem,’ although most people believed I had an ill-tempered rabbit.”

“When I grow up, I want to be like Harry Potter and shoot people.”

I think ignorance is the most painful human condition to be suffered. Sadly, its victims often don’t know they’re afflicted before it’s too late.”

Never mess with a Multipersonal-Bipolar-Skitzophrenic-Psychopathic-Pyromanical-Homicidal-Maniac, You'll wind up dead or furry...

All I really need…
This is my home, securely from all,
Nearly ready to die, from the constant fight,
A place I will be, free as can be,
Sleeping and healing; safe in the dark.
Never again, will I feel this pain,
Never again, will I see the rain,
Because when all is ready, and all is done,
Finally my worry will become none.
Through the life of a worthless me,
All like a huge big dove,
Then maybe, they’ll finally see,
All I really need is love.

Jack and Jill came to the Hill
On a grave a somber mission.
You've made them mad,
The time is bad
To be a politician.

Jack and Jill went up the hill
So he could lick her fanny
Jack got a shock
And a mouth full of cock
Cuz Jill’s real name is Danny!

I'm not available right now so please leave your name, number, and address and I will Stalk you later.
Get your mind out of the gutter - it's blocking my view.
If you can't say anything nice, then at least have the decency to be vague.
I am currently occupied, give me a couple minutes to get frustrated and then I'll get back to you.
That which does not kill me had better run pretty damn fast.
Life isn't about the number of breaths we take, but the moments that take our breath away. Like choking.
The physiology exam was a piece of cake -- which was a bit of a surprise, actually, because I was expecting some questions on a sheet of paper
I believe in luck: how else can you explain the success of those you don't like?
Don't you wish there were a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence? There's one marked "Brightness," but it doesn't work.
Never raise your hand to your children; it leaves your midsection unprotected.
All the things I really like to do are either illegal, immoral, or fattening.
Ever notice how DYING is at the end of STUDYING?
The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
I am diagonally parked in a parallel universe
You're twisted, depraved, and rotten to the core... I like that in a person!
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
"I'm going to become rich and famous after I invent a device that allows you to stab people in the face over the Internet."
"I gotta go. There's a dude next to me and he's watching me type, which is sort of starting to creep me out. Yes dude next to me, I mean you."

Then thou shall rise, awaken from the grave.
To stray from the light, and walk not during the day.
Roam in the night, and fuel thy corpse,
Sip blood from the vein, and feel no remorse.
I condemn thee to walk among thy fellow men,
And watch thy mortal allies die.
For thou shall go on,
An immortal you be.
I curse thou with this, a disease of virginity.
I leave thou, vampire, to face God's holy liberty.

‘Every rule has an exception’ is indeed true. The only rule that does not have an exception is the rule that every rule has an exception, therefore the rule is its own exception, proving itself to be truthful

"Are all Americans mad?" “Yes and no. You've heard of laughing in the face of danger? Well, we Americans prefer to give danger a wedgie and send him on his merry way."

One life to live;
Remember the past,
Fight for the present,
Live for the future.
Never depend on hope, 'fore hope won't carry your feet,
Never regret and never forsake what is precious to you,
And should your body ever fail, never let your mind and spirit break, 'fore they are your only true untake-able possessions you have.
Always stay strong and cherish all you have with all your heart, because nothing lasts forever.

I don’t just cross lines that should never be crossed – I fucking POLE VAULT over them

Krunch: Nice to see you managed to gain your freedom on your own, Gid.
Gid: It’s good to see you too.
Cale: We’re all together again!
Richard: This is a beautiful moment. I may compose then break into song to celebrate the occasion.
Some Troll: What are you going to rhyme with “Your Wholesale Mass Slaughter?”
(Richard burns his face off)
Richard (while burning Some Troll): “Locate and Butcher Your Daughter”?

I'm a mystery wrapped in an enigma.

Forrest Gump was right when he said, "Life is like a box of chocolates". For me it is very, very true. For starters, I don't really like chocolate; secondly, my life is full of surprises, good and bad (bad out-weighing the good); and finally, you feel like shit when the box is empty.

What good ears you have. All the better to hear your screams for mercy with my dear.

I'm not exaggerating when I say that how you use a cardboard box can mean the difference between success and failure, between life and death... Treat your box well, and it will treat you well...

"...When I'm burning in Hell, I'll remember that and haunt you for the rest of eternity... If you're not burning in Hell along with me, that is."

"Normal is not something you'll find in this family. Though, it's normal for us to act strange, but strange for us to act normal. Is that normal...?"

As far as I was concerned the enemy of my enemy was not my friend. It was just someone I wasn’t planning to kill… Yet.

“That would be considered ‘overkill’, laddie.”
“There is no such thing as ‘overkill’, only ‘open fire’ and ‘I need to reload’,”

Don't follow my footsteps, I walk into walls.

'Fate's a bitch.'"
I chuckled. "Actually, I believe that's 'payback's a bitch', but it certainly applies to fate as well." "No…wait." I said thoughtfully. "I'd have to say Fate is a big guy in leather on a Harley fresh out of prison and he wants me as his bitch."

Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the person's house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of its head with a note that says 'You.' After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.

Books are always better than real, live boyfriends any day of the week. They don’t talk back and they’re always there for you. You can have as many of them as you want and they won’t complain.

Impossible is just a word people use to make themselves feel better when they give up.

“The ability of the written word to convey emotion
Is the most powerful tool we are given.
One line can send you laughing
One sentence can fill you with pain
One word can make you think more deeply than you ever have
And one phrase can make you fall in love.”
Whether it be a 200-page novel, or a 20-word poem, go write something and inspire the world!

my cute little snooglie-oogliepoo!

Death is eternal. Death is mandatory. Death is the answer to life. The realms of Animals have accepted the presence of Death. They sense it, they feel it…and they accept it. Humans cannot. We fight Death, we cheat it, and we find ways to avoid it, because we fear it. We fear it because we do not understand it, and not only that, but we refuse to accept that we fear Death.

I live by the RWR Code. Rules? What Rules?
Never emulate people who jump off bridges unless you have a bungee cord and have made your peace with death.

Write for yourself. Sing for yourself. Dance for yourself. Live for yourself. Laugh at those who doubt you.

If someone tells you that you can’t do something, laugh in their face and then prove them wrong.

I'm going to annoy you because you scare me, thus conquering my fear with the added bonus of personal
amusement.

One of these days I'm going to create one of those little grey pop-up windows that says 'Aha! So it WAS the monkey
with the banana peel on the staircase!' just to see how many people instinctively press the Yes button.

It's all fun and games until a ten-year-old holds up his sister's Monopoly bank with a water gun.

A good friend won’t give away your hiding place during hide-and-seek. A great friend won’t give away the places you hid the bodies during a police raid.

Why does good always triumph when evil is usually a lot smarter about not rushing into things blindly?

Tell someone to do something and they’ll give you a hundred different reasons why you should do it yourself.

Never hire a speechwriter. You never know what they might make you say.

Life's all sunshine and roses until a goat eats the roses while it's raining.

Call me a bitch, and I'll take it as a compliment. Call me lady, and I'll be flattered. Call me woman, and I'll tolerate it. Call me child, and I'll try not to hurt you. But call me baby, and you will die.

Ever wonder why they use the saying 'the cat's out of the bag' to say that something is no longer a secret? What's the secret, that they just tried to kill a cat?

Have you ever noticed that people spend a whole month putting up Christmas decorations and six months to take them down?

Why is the death of a villian considered defeat and not murder?

Dear Diary: My current plan of world domination is coming along very nicely. Now if only I can get these people to take this weird jacket off of me, I may go further with my plans.

I can't recite the alphabet backwards on a good day. What makes you think I can do so under pressure?

Ladies and gentlemen, you are about to learn a very good reason why no one fucks with me twice.

You know, het writers who bash slash writers then turn male characters into girls to pair them up with a guy really make me wonder, sometimes. I wonder if they're compensating for a fear of leaving a small, enclosed place or if they're busy going on boat rides down the Nile...

In a world where penguins march with sporks, you know you've arrived. Where at, exactly, is the question.

Seriously, televised poker? Are we really that bored?

"Life has no shortcuts." What?! Screw that. I'll make my own damn shortcut, thank you very much.

"The greatest man may stand before an army of a thousand and mock them without fear, but before the innocence of a child he cannot speak."

Ignorance is bliss and patience is a virtue so if you're stupid and you don't mind waiting around you're set.

"I don't worry... that's what the pills are for."

"Do you think at colonial rock concerts they waved candles?"

‘DON’T-look-at-me-cross-eyed-or-I’ll-carve-your-heart-out-with-a-rusty-spoon-and-make-you-LIKE-it’

I want to leave this world as I came into it. How is that? Screaming and covered in somebody else's blood

Tact is for those who lack the wit for sarcasm

"By the time you swear you're his, shivering and sighing, and he vows his passion is infinite, undying- Lady, make note of this: one of you is lying."

"Someone in this room needs a hobby and for once it's not me. I feel strangely elated. Pardon me while i find a corner in which to weep."

"Well there is this particularly fascinating wall with wet paint on it. I was planning on watching it dry, but your idea is good too."

"I had no idea that you were so flexible, you just stuck both feet in your mouth and your head up your ass."

"So you want to know what i think? Okay did you want the kiddie version or the adult version? Are you sure cause the adult version can get graphic and there will be involvment of anatomically correct sock puppets."

"I'm not insane, just because the voices won't talk to you does not mean that i'm insane."

‘Danger? Ha! Danger is my middle name!’ ‘It’s just so unfortunate you’re first name’s ‘In,’

When I grow up I want to become an evil tyrant, cause many deaths, take over lots of countries, have lot's of people hate me, steal every one's right shoes, write on their homework assignments with highlighters, draw on their faces, curse every one I know, join a nudist colony, become a vampire, sign my life away, cause an earthquake to put pangaea back together, contact the aliens, create evil children and than go to heaven.

What do you mean there's no Weapons r' us? Where do all the psychopaths get their toys then!

“My worst enemies are those who presume me to be harmless. They cannot imagine how much I resent and disdain them, or just how great a threat they would face if I could get at them. Everything in their behavior speaks of insult and presumptuousness, and for now it is all I can do to make constructive use of my anger toward them. At this time, I just make a list of them and keep a watch on. Some day, with the help of time, space, and circumstance, I will be able to humiliate them properly - not in a manner they would enjoy, but in a style calculated to make them wish that they had never been born.”

-If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
-If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
-The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out of the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
-A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
- A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death.
-Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour
-The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
-The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It’s like a human jumping the length of a football field.
- The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
-Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
-Butterflies taste with their feet.
-The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
-Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
-Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
-A cat's urine glows under a black light.
- An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
-Starfish have no brains.
-Poplar bears are left-handed.
-Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

Here's a riddle. Two guys destroyed your bike with a crowbar and a bat. One of them wasn't me.

There are three types of people you don't piss off, Custom Officials, Air Marshals, and Police Officers. Because, they say funny things like 'Cavity Search'.

Frodo Failed. Bush Has the Ring.

Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come.

Sanity is the trademark of a weak mind

Home isn't where the heart is, home is a place you go where they have to let you in

Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them

Light travels faster than sound. That’s why some people seem bright until they speak

I am your friend
You fight I fight
You hurt I hurt
You cry, I cry
You jump off a bridge...
Well I'm gonna miss your sorry ass.

The point of war is not to die for your country, but to make the other, poor dumb bastard die for his!

Man invented writing: one step forward. Man invented the pencil: one step forward. Man invented paperwork: five steps backwards.

More people have been killed in Australia in the last 200 years by a coconut falling on their head than have been killed by crocodile, if so, why aren't we terrified of coconut trees?

"Hush little baby,
"Don't say a word,
"Momma's gonna steal you a mocking bird,
"And if that bird won't sing,
"Momma's gonna deep-fry that thing..."

When you are sad - I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.
When you are blue - I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
When you are worried - I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining.
When you are confused - I will use little words.
When you are sick - Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.
When you fall - I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.

They say that there is a fine line between genius and insanity, but what they don’t tell you is that it doesn’t mater what side you are trying to cross from.

I write entirely to find out what I'm thinking, what I'm looking at, what I see and what it means. What I want and what I fear.

The blind are the ones that can truly see

"Dark one night in broad daylight, two dead men got up to fight. Back to back they faced each other, drew their swords and shot each other. A deaf police man heard the noise and came and killed those two dead boys."

Stupidity killed the cat, curiosity was framed.

Behind every damsel is a fire breathing dragon

The pen may be mightier, but the sword still hurts like hell.

People say violence isn't the answer. Well, they're right. Violence is the question. The answer is yes.

A fox is a wolf who brings flowers.

Weird is good, strange is bad, and odd is when you don't know which to call someone. Weird is the same as different, which is the same as unique, then weird is good.

Sometimes I scare myself, but then I look at you and remember there’s always someone worse.

In the middle of the night a bunch of scientists are going replace your brain with a peanut.

"The dark is my friend, sarcasm my companion, and the written word my lover. Upon these I thrive. Not many can wriggle their way in past them. I bid you try."

"Give me one good reason for me not to kill you." "I love you?" "Not convinced..."

When your life goes up in flames, bring out your marshmallows and hotdogs and have a good time.

Oh my god will you keep it down you sound like a 'fresh-skewered boar and the Loch Ness serpent in heat'.

To look into the eyes of a wolf is to see your own soul - hope you like what you see.

"Your father comes home, he's gonna shoot you in the face, with a bazooka!!...And I'm not gonna stop him this time either"

Just cuz something bad happens doesn't mean you have to wallow in it and be miserable

“City Morgue. You kill ‘em we chill ‘em. Next in line speaking.”

Sweet Zombie Jesus

Marry the man today, give him the girlish laughter...give him the hand today and save the fist for after!

"There are a lot of lonely men out there." "Don't worry; I won't let them rape you."

If people are going to call you a lunatic why not get the benefit of it; it liberates you from convention.

Everyone has a photographic memory ...some just don't have film

I like cheese. I have seen purple cows. If two gooses are geese, then why aren't two moose meese, or when two foots are feet, why aren't two footballs feetball? Milk tastes good. People call me crazy, but I'm just random!

Only crazy people can understand the brilliance of crazy things.

Here we go, the world is spinning. When it stops, it's just beginning. Sun comes up, we all laugh. Sun goes down, we all die...

Slutzilla approaches everybody run!

Touch me and I’ll have the police over here so fast, your head will still be spinning when your cellmate is changing your name to Shirley.

A woman need not cause you to be desperate if you chose the right woman.

“Roses are red, violets are blue, you are sweet, and I love you.” “Tomatoes are red, ashes are black, go to hell, and never come back”

“I’m like Taco Bell... I’ll spice up your night!” “Yeah? Well then I’m like McDonald’s. Come within a five foot radius of me and you’ll die.”

Don’t matter what the fuck your name is, nothing nice is what my game is

I'll do strange things to your bathtub

"Dreams are the eraser dust I blow off my page, they fade into the emptiness, another dark grey day. Dreams are only memories of the plans I had back then. Dreams are eraser dust and now I use a pen."

‘Warriors with heart, animals with pride, demons with valor, and jesters with honor.’

‘Know your friends, your enemies, and those neutral in the war. Protect your allies with valor, and destroy your enemies with honor. Strike true and swift, lest your foe slay you before you can yet be slain.’

Carpe Noctem Seize the Night

You love her, don't you? No, she owes me twenty dollars. If she dies, I'll never get it back.

‘The Dungeon of Many Sharp Pointy Things That Stab and Pierce as They Cut You into a Really Stupid Amount of Very Small Pieces’.

The Desiderata
Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant, they too have their story. Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit. If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time. Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism. Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love, for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is perennial as the grass. Take kindly to the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul. With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

I’m a perfect little angel. Ignore the horns, I’m getting them removed.

Who are you truly?... The angel who soars above... Or maybe the fallen who are deprived... Who are you truly?... Grasp your destiny and choose... For I keep calling for you... But do you listen or do you run from me?... Who are you truly?... Take off the mask... Forget everybody’s sneering... Take off the cloak... Forget their mockery... Take off the shadow of namelessness... And most importantly, forget their whispers... Who are you truly?... Stand up... Grasp your sword... And scream as you charge... Scream who you are.

And Dreamers shall dream and make the impossible possible and to inspire others around them to reach higher, to surpass the limits, until eternity's end.

I always try to take a step back and look at things. Everything to me is either a shade of black or white, there is no such thing as grey. Either it's right or it's wrong. You could always jump head first into things and ask questions later, but I ask, is it worth it in the end when you might have chosen the wrong path.

A discovery is said to be an accident meeting a prepared mind.

Sarcasm is anger with a smile.

When arguing with a fool, make sure the opponent isn't doing the exact same thing.

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.

The human brain starts working the moment you are born and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.

Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather judgement that something else is more important than fear.

You can always trust the Americans. In the end they do the right thing. After they have eliminated all other possibilities.

Destiny is what you are supposed to do in life. Fate is what kicks you in the ass to do it.

If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door.

Perfection is an impossibility for humanity, for the simple fact humans themselves are imperfect. The ideal that things in our world are perfect, are simply ideals that are mistruths conjured up by madmen attempting to sustain that pitiful existence. It is impossible for us to understand what is perfect, for we are not perfect ourselves. Once humanity realizes this, we can all get on with our lives.

Love a person for their good, but if you truly love them, you'll love them even more for their flaws.

Life is like a video game; the more serious you take it, the harder the rules get.

Live as if you were going to die tomorrow, but learn as if you were going to live forever.

There is nothing either good nor bad, but thinking makes it so.

There is nothing like a trail of blood to find your way back home. When you've lost it all, that's when you finally realize that life is beautiful.

Forty- Six laws of Anime:

1. Law of Metaphysical Irregularity- The normal laws of physics do not apply.
2. Law of Differentiated Gravitation- Whenever someone or something jumps, is thrown, or otherwise is rendered airborn, gravity is reduced by a factor of 4.
3. Law of Sonic Amplification, First Law of Anime Acoustics- In space, loud sounds, like explosions, are even louder because there is no air to get in the way.
4. Law of Constant Thrust, First Law of Anime Motion- In space, constant thrust equals constant velocity.
5. Law of Mechanical Mobility, Second Law of Anime Motion- The larger a mechanical device is, the faster it moves. Armored Mecha are the fastest objects known to human science.
6. Law of Temporal Variability- Time is not a constant. Time stops for the hero whenever he does something 'cool' or 'impressive'. Time slows down when friends and lovers are being killed and speeds up whenever there is a fight.
7. First Law of Temporal Mortality- 'Good Guys' and 'Bad Guys' both die in one of two ways. Either so quick they don't even see it coming, OR it's a long drawn out affair where the character gains much insight to the workings of society, human existence or why the toast always lands butter side down.
8. Second Law of Temporal Mortality- It takes some time for bad guys to die... regardless of physical damage. Even when the 'Bad Guys' are killed so quickly they didn't even see it coming, it takes them a while to realize they are dead. This is attributed to the belief that being evil damages the Reality Lobe of the brain.
9. Law of Dramatic Emphasis- Scenes involving extreme amounts of action are depicted with either still-frames or black screens with a slash of bright color (usually red or white).
10, Law of Dramatic Multiplicity- Scenes that only happen once, for instance, a 'Good Guy' kicks the 'Bad Guy' in the face, are seen at least 3 times from 3 different angles.
11. Law of Inherent Combustibility- Everything explodes. Everything.
First Corollary - Anything that explodes bulges first.
Second Corollary - Large cities are the most explosive substances known to human science. Tokyo in particular seems to be the most unstable of these cities, sometimes referred to as "The Matchstick City".
12. Law of Phlogistatic Emission- Nearly all things emit light from fatal wounds.
13. Law of Energetic Emission- There is alway an energy build up (commonly referred to as an energy 'bulge') before Mecha or space craft weapons fire. Because of the explosive qualities of weapons, it is believed that this is related to the Law of Inherent Combustibility.
14. Law of Inverse Lethal Magnitude- The destructive potential of a weapon is inversely proportional to its size.
First Corollary - Small and cute will always overcome big and ugly. Also know as the A-Ko phenomenon.
15. Law of Inexhaustibility- No one EVER runs out of ammunition. That is of course unless they are cornered, out-numbered, out-classed, and unconscious.
16. Law of Inverse Accuracy- The accuracy of a 'Good Guy' when operating any form of fire-arm increases as the difficulty of the shot increases. The accuracy of the 'Bad Guys' when operating firearms decreases when the difficulty of the shot decreases. (Also known as the Stormtrooper Effect)
Example: A 'Good Guy' in a drunken stupor being held upside down from a moving vehicle will always hit, and several battalions of 'Bad Guys' firing on a 'Good Guy' standing alone in the middle of an open field will always miss.
First Corollary - The more 'Bad Guys' there are, the less likely they will hit anyone or do any real damage.
Second Corollary - Whenever a 'Good Guy' is faced with insurmountable odds, the 'Bad Guys' line up in neat rows, allowing the hero to take them all out with a single burst of automatic fire and then escape.
Third Corollary - Whenever a 'Good Guy' is actually hit by enemy fire, it is in a designated 'Good Guy Area'. Usually a flesh wound in the shoulder or arm, which restricts the 'Good Guy' from doing anything more strenuous than driving, firing weaponry, using melee weapons, operating heavy machinery, or doing complex martial arts maneuvers.
17. Law of Transient Romantic Unreliability- Minmei is a bimbo.
18. Law of Hemoglobin Capacity- The human body contains over 12 gallons of blood, sometimes more, under high pressure.
19. Law of Demonic Consistency- Demons and other supernatural creatures have at least three eyes, loads of fangs, tend to be yellow-green or brown (but black is not unknown), and can only be hurt by bladed weapons.
20. Law of Militaristic Unreliability- Huge galaxy-wide armadas, entire armies, and large war-machines full of cruel, heartless, bloodthirsty warriors can be stopped and defeated with a single insignificant example of a caring/loving emotion or a song.
21. Law of Tactical Unreliability- Tactical geniuses aren't...
22. Law of Inconsequential Undetectability- People never notice the little things... Like missing body parts, or wounds the size of Seattle.
23. Law of Juvenile Intellectuality- Children are smarter than adults. And almost always twice as annoying.
24. Law of Americanthropomorphism- Americans in Anime appear in one of two roles, either as a really nasty skinny 'Bad Guy' or a big stupid 'Good Guy'.
First Corollary - The only people who are more stupid than the big dumb Americans are the American translators. (Sometimes referred to as the Green Line Effect.)
Second Corollary - The only people who are more stupid than the American translators are the American editors and censors.
25. Law of Mandibular Proportionality- The size of a person's mouth is directly proportional to the volume at which they are speaking or eating.
26. Law of Feline Mutation- Any half-cat/half-human mutation will invariably: a) be female b) will possess ears and sometimes a tail as a genetic mutation c)and wear as little clothing as possible, if any.
27. Law of Conservation of Firepower- Any powerful weapon capable of destroying/defeating an opponent in a single shot will invariably be reserved and used only as a last resort.
28. Law of Technological User-Benevolence- The formal training required to operate a spaceship or mecha is inversely proportional to its complexity.
29. Law of Melee Luminescence- Any being displaying extremely high levels of martial arts prowess and/or violent emotions emits light in the form of a glowing aura. This aura is usually blue for 'good guys' and red for 'bad guys'. This is attributed to Good being higher in the electromagnetic spectrum than Evil.
30. Law of Non-anthropomorphic Antagonism- All ugly, non-humanoid alien races are hostile, and usually hell-bent on destroying humanity for some obscure reason.
31. Law of Follicular Chroma Variability- Any color in the visible spectrum is considered a natural hair color. This color can change without warning or explanation.
32. Law of Follicular Permanence- Hair in anime is pretty much indestructable, and can resist any amount of meteorological conditions, energy emissions, physical abuse, or explosive effects and still look perfect. The only way to hurt someone's hair is the same way you deal with demons... with bladed weapons!
33. Law of Topological Aerodynamics, First Law of Anime Aero-Dynamics- ANY shape, no matter how convoluted or odd-looking, is automatically aerodynamic.
34. Law of Probable Attire- Clothing in anime follows certain predictable guidelines.
Example-Female characters wear as little clothing as possible, regardless of whether it is socially or meteorologically appropriate. Any female with an excessive amount of clothing will invariably have her clothes ripped to shreds or torn off somehow. If there is no opportunity to tear off the afore-mentioned female's clothes, then she will inexplicably take a shower for no apparent reason (also known as the Gratuitous Shower Scene).
Example-Whenever there is a headwind, a Male characters will invariably wear a long cloak which doesn't hamper movement and billows out dramatically behind him.
First Corollary (Cryo-Adaptability) - All anime characters are resistant to extremely cold temperatures, and do not need to wear heavy or warm clothing in snow.
Second Corollary (Indecent Invulnerability) - Bikinis render the wearer invulnerable to any form of damage.
35. Law of Musical Omnipotence- Any character capable of musical talent (singing, playing an instrument, etc.) is automatically capable of doing much more "simple" things like piloting mecha, fighting crime, stopping an intergalactic war, and so on... especially if they have never attempted these things before.
36. Law of Quitupular Agglutination- Also called "The Five-man Rule," when "Good Guys" group together, it tends to be in groups of five. There are five basic positions, which are: (a) The Hero/Leader (b) His girlfriend (c) His Best Friend/Rival (d) A Hulking Brute (e) A Dwarf/Kid
Between these basic positions are distributed several attributes, which include:
--Extreme Coolness
--Amazing intelligence
--Incredible Irritation
37. Law of Extradimensional Capacitance- All anime females have an extradimensional storage space of variable volume somewhere on their person from which they can instantly retrieve any object at a moment's notice.
First Corollary (The Hammer Rule) - The most common item stored is a heavy mallet, which can be used with unerring accuracy on any male who deserves it. Other common items include costumes/uniforms, power suits/armor, and large bazookas.
38. Law of Hydrostatic Emission- Eyes tend to be rather large in Anime. This is because they contain several gallons of water, which may be instantaneously released at high pressure through large tear ducts. The actual volume of water contained in the eyes is unknown, as there is no evidence to suggest that these reservoirs are actually capable of running out. The reason water tends to collect in the eyes is because Anime characters only have one large sweat gland, which is located at the back of the head. When extremely stressed, embarrassed, or worried, this sweat gland exudes a single but very large drop of sebaceous fluid.
39. Law of Inverse Attraction- Success at finding suitable mates is inversely proportionate to how desperately you want to be successful. The more you want, the less you get.
First Corollary Unfortunately, this law seems to apply to Otaku in the real world...
40. Law of Nasal Sanguination- When sexually aroused, males in Anime don't get erections, they get nosebleeds. No one's sure why this is, though... the current theory suggests that larger eyes means smaller sinuses and thinner sinus tissue (see Law #38 above). Females don't get nosebleeds, but invariably get one heck of a blush along the cheeks and across the nose, suggesting a lot of bloodflow to that region.
41. Law of Xylolaceration- Wooden or bamboo swords are just as sharp as metal swords, if not sharper.
42. Law of Juvenile Omnipotence- Always send a boy to do a man's job. He'll get it done in half the time and twice the angst.
43. Law of Nominative Clamovocation- The likelihood of success and damage done by a martial arts attack is directly proportional to the volume at which the full name of the attack is announced.
44. Law of Uninteruptable Metamorphosis- Regardless of how long or involved the transformation sequence or how many times they've seen it before, any 'Bad Guys' witnessing a mecha/hero/heroine transforming are too stunned to do anything to interrupt it.
45. Law of Flimsy Incognition- Simply changing into a costume or wearing a teensy mask can make you utterly unrecognizable to even your closest friends and relatives
46. Law of Mandibular Combustible Emission- All anime characters seem to have some unknown chemical on their breath that reacts VERY violently with extremely hot or spicy food. This chemical may also be responsible for the phenomenon of fire behind the eyes and from the mouth when a character (usually a female) is really angry.
47. Law of Electrical and Combustible Survivalism- If you get electrocuted or burned, YOU WILL SURVIVE!! Though your entire body will be scorched, seconds later, our skin won’t have a trace of damage (Also known as the "Pikachu Effect").
First Corollary- When a magical bad guy/Alien/monster fires off a flame, wind, or ice attack, the resulting effect is only enough for the hero(es)/heroine(s) to be standing in the "Walking Against the Wind" stance, with his/her eyes shut and letting out a pathetic "Aaaaagh!", and yet they are never harmed. This may be in part to laws 32, 34 and sometimes 44.
48. Law of Female wrath- If a male character insults a female character, he will get a mallet, shotgun, or tank blast to the face. Or if she is a character that can perform magical feats, a fireball or whatever, to the head, body or whatever (Also known as the "Lina Inverse/Gourry Factor") This is because he always deserves it, and will help him to cope in today’s society. (>Sniff Sniff
49. Law of Artistic Perversion- Most (not all) Anime artists are perverts and are under the impression that girls are willing to tear off their clothes, or wear VERY small, revealing outfits at the drop of a pin (or pen for that matter).
50. Law of Uninterpretable Nominative Clamovocation- This law is a mixture of Laws 44 and 45. Regardless of how long or involved the Spell or projectile attack is, and the likelihood of success and damage done by the volume at which the full name of the attack is announced, or how many times they’ve seen it before, any "Bad Guys" witnessing a hero/heroine quoting the incantations for an extremely powerful attack are too stunned to do anything to interrupt it. (Also known as the "Dragon Slave Phenomenon")
51. Law of Telepathic Obliviousness- Most of the time, some Anime characters (usually males) will think personal (Like that he/she has sabotaged something), or perverted thoughts, while near some other character, WHO’S TELEPATHIC!! The reasons for this are: (1) They forgot that the person is telepathic. (2) They just don’t give a damn. The reasons the telepathic person doesn’t react are: (1) They’re preoccupied with doing something else. (2) They’d rather keep the fact to themselves that they are Telepathic. (3) They just don’t give a damn.
52. Law of Chromatic Diversity- Air can be any color of the viewable spectrum.
53.Law of Old Man Comic Relief- Comic relief comes in the form of a short, bald, wise-mouthed dirty old man or alien. Or the combination of any two of those traits.
First Corollary- If old man is present, and is acting too horny, stupid, etc., there will invariably be an old woman to whap him over the head with a frying pan or something.
54. Law of the Wise Old Man- Little old Japanese men always know how it ends and withhold the ending from anyone, especially the hero. This includes special power weapons, ancient relics, and people who know everything.
55.Law of Omnipotent Unreliability- Any "Bad Guy" with Omnipotent powers/weapons will never use those powers/weapons against the "Good Guy" until it is too late.
First Corollary- All "Bad Guys" suffer from Antagonistic Boasting Syndrome which require all "Bad Guys" to threaten with or exemplify their prowess and not use it against the "Good Guy".
Second Corollary- No "Bad Guy" may use any new, secret, or superior military device without one of the following events occurring:
a) The control device being broken. The control device being taken by the "Good Guy".
c) The control device is in fact not the real device at all and was just "fooled" by the "Good Guy".
d) The "Bad Guy" has already lost and cannot use the device.
56. Law of Minimum Corneal Volume- Eyeballs may make up no less than one sixth of the face’s total surface area. More so if the case is a blond woman.
57. Law of Electrical Charges in Hair- Hair attracts electricity in abundance, resulting in two outcomes:
a) A positive charge will result in the spikes-flying-everywhere-behind-me look.
b) A negative charge will result in the hair-cascading-down-to-the-waist-in-a-single-sheet look.
58. Law of Ammunition Accuracy- When there are multiple types of ammunition available (paint balls, speaker pods), non-lethal rounds will always be more accurate when compared to "standard" or lethal shots. (Macross Plus for paint balls, Macross 7 for speaker pods)
59.Law of Active Female Attraction- In a comedy series, a male character’s attractiveness to women is inversely proportional to how active they pursue them. (Tenchi, Ranma, and Makoto OVA have a seemingly endless supply of willing girlfriends despite their lack of romantic skill while Happosai, Ataru, and Carrot couldn’t get a date despite or because of their constant attempts.)
60.Law of Sweat Pore Variability- When a person is embarrassed, caught in an awkward situation, or otherwise humiliated, all sweat pores on the body contract, except for ones on the forehead. These pores expand to such a degree that a single drop could fill a Big Gulp from 7-11.
61.The Law of Inverse Training Time- A person who has been training for 3 years is never as good as someone who has been training for one month.
62.Law of Needs to Few and Many- The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few... of even the one.
63.Law of Bad Humor- Whenever someone says something that is intended to be funny, whether actually funny or not, the rest of the characters (even animals) fall to the ground with their feet in the air. Sweat sometimes accompanies the fall. (The sound of a cow mooing usually accompanies the joke as well.)
64.Law of Extreme Anger- Whenever a female character gets mad, such as seeing the male character with another girl, she becomes extremely strong (despite her usually helpless look) so that she can lift a 1000 ton object to hurt the guy. She can sometimes perform other punishments that are just as cruel such as pinching the guy’s face so hard that it changes shape. (see law #49)
65. Law of Differentiated Gravitation- First Corollary- If the airborne entity exceeds an altitude equal or greater than two times the height of the entity, gravity is decreased by an inverse coefficient relative to the upward momentum. And mass/weight (if within at least 500 km of any gravity source) of the entity "jumping".
Second Corollary- The amount of Newtonian "opposite force" (in accordance to normal downward velocity; "Earth gravity" speed is equal to 32ft/sec/sec) is also inversely proportional to the "actual" speed of the airborne entity. In all actuality, an entity that appears to be flying towards a solid concrete parking lot from space will actually land, producing an opposite force of approximately 1.73 lb. of pressure. Unless this particular entity is a "Bad Guy". Then the law exhibits a mysterious exponentially proportional Newtonian opposite force, thusly increasing this variable by a factor equal to the inverse-gravity potential.
66. Law of Conservation of Ambient Dramatic Tension- In any situation where the Ambient Dramatic Tension increases, the "Good Guy’s" Style Coefficient must be increased by a proportional amount to compensate. In any situation where this does not happen, the "Bad Guy" inevitably comes out on top. However, this usually leads to a further rise in the Ambient Dramatic tension, which will always be offset by an exponential increase in the "Good Guy’s" Style Coefficient.
67. Law of Coercive Vehicular Control- No matter how complex or well defined the control system, a character controlling a vehicle of any sort always does so through means of undetectable subconscious psychokinesis.
First Corollary- Characters can perform actions with their vehicles which clearly defy normal physics (see Laws of Metaphysical Irregularity and Constant Thrust). The velocity, attitude and traction of the vehicle appear to be adjusted at will, with the degree of absolute control being proportional to the complexity and lethality of the maneuver.
Second Corollary- It is effectively impossible to remove characters from or disrupt the passage of their vehicles without the character’s consent. This does not always apply to "Bad Guy" characters or "Good Guy" characters in situations where the Ambient Dramatic Tension could increase in accordance with the Law of Conservation of Ambient Dramatic Tension.
68. Amendment to the Law of Conservation of Ambient Dramatic Tension- In any situation where the Ambient Dramatic Tension increases without a corresponding increase in the "Good Guy’s" Style Coefficient, not only does the "Bad Guy" usually come out on top, but also his Smugness Factor increases in proportion to the rise in Ambient Dramatic Tension.
69.Law of The Rushing Background Effect- Whenever something dramatic occurs, a survival instinct engages, thus rendering all incoming stimulus that is not directly and immediately to the dramatic situation at hand a meaningless blur. This is often referred to as "The Rushing Background Effect". Due to the increase in brain activity and adrenaline levels in the bloodstream, the scene is often played out in slow motion.
70.Law of Inter dimensional Hammers- Whenever a female character witnesses a male character of her preference performing any sort of questionable act (i.e. Looking at another girl or anything she might construe as perverted) she can reach into an inter dimensional realm (usually behind her back) and withdraw a huge Anime Mallet of Doom with which to whack the said male over the head with. (see Laws # 37, 49, and 65)
71.Law of Instant Band-Aids- Whenever a character is injured (usually in a head shot, maybe from a mallet whack) Band-Aids will always instantly appear on the wounded individual (and always in pairs, set in a cross fashion). These bandages will then, most likely, disappear by the character’s next scene.
72.Law of Universal Edge Defense- Any projectile attack, from a blast of magic to a hail of bullets, can be easily defended against by holding a suitably cool-looking sword or other bladed weapon between the attacker and defender, usually so that the edge cuts into the incoming attack(s), causing both halves to go flying harmlessly past the defender. Observed most often in fantasy and martial arts anime.
73.Law of Intractable Sanity- There is no such thing as insanity in anime. When faced with horrifying supernatural forces that would drive most men mad, anime characters will either:
a) Die quickly (but in accordance with all other laws e.g., slowdown and exposition), Get possessed by them, especially if they are beautiful girls or men in a position to ravish beautiful girls, or
c) Kill them, wipe the blood off their blades, and walk on whistling.
74.Law of Celestial Body Control- At a dramatically correct moment, a hero can summon a sun/moon/halo to appear behind him/her to cause a dramatic silhouette.
75. Law of Aura of Forgetfulness- Any hero who wishes his/her identity to remain a secret will invariably succeed regardless of disguise because everyone around him/her will forget everything. Otherwise, how does Sailor Moon keep her disguise?
76. Law of Cool Hair Factor- The hair of a hero will always coalesce into thick strands that drape his face into a dramatic fashion, regardless of wind, the elements, etc. (See Laws 32 & 48)
77. Law of Inverse Coping- Any single event will happen to the ONE character LEAST capable of dealing with it.
78.Law of Martial Arts Training Invulnerability- The Myth that certain martial arts will enable you to become so strong, that you can stop a nuclear warhead with your bare palm. Unfortunately, for most otaku, they found the hard way that it just doesn’t work in real life...
79. Law of Stereotype Captain characteristics- If a captain of any type of ship is male, he will invariably wear a big captain’s cap, a long overcoat, and have a shaggy beard and mustache (pipe optional), and be a great tactician. If the captain is female, however, she will invariably be young, well endowed, and ditzy as a pole (horny father optional). Yet, she too will be a great tactician.
80.Law of Shades/Coolness Factor- Shades can make you instantly cool, even if you’re normally a klutz.
81.Law of Understatement- Anything that is deemed too impossible will become possible.
First Corollary- Any "Bad Guy" stating "T-that’s impossible!" whenever the hero is accomplishing some new feat/move/projectile will find out too late that he is wrong and will invariably be toasted.
82.Law of Dormant Powers- Anytime a hero is somehow out powered and/or outclassed by the villain, he will invariably release powers/new moves he never knew he could accomplish... but his old teacher did!
83.Law of Style Coefficient- In a situation where a Good guy may be in dire straits, he will become stronger, smarter and more cool in a matter of seconds. (See Laws #67, 69, and 84)
84.Law of Bad Guy Smugness Factor- Whenever the villain actually succeeds in beating the hero, they will begin to gloat uncontrollably, because they’ve never won against the "Good Guy" (because they’re Eeeviiil!!). They usually get so cocky, they tie the hero to a conveyor belt leading to his doom and leave to get a snack. Usually this results in: (a) The hero escaping. (b) Clean-up for the underlings. (c) The villain getting toasted.
85. Law of Tableware Nonexistence- There IS no spoon.
86. Law of Hero Identification- All heroes are introduced by way of appearance while someone talking about their (in)famous-ness, or by way of a voice-over of them introducing themselves.
87. Law of Cute Mascots- Any anime either Shojo or Shonen has GOT to have at least one cute, furry little mascot by penalty of death!
First Corollary- If it is a Shonen Anime, the hero will be accompanied by a Dog, Cat or any kind of animal, real or fake, That would be found with a hero of the male persuasion. Any animal that would be associated with girls that is following him around is there because:
1) It’s his girlfriend’s.
2) It is following him, despite his insistence not to do so.
3) Chicks will dig him more.
Second Corollary- If it is a Shojo Anime, the heroine will be accompanied by a cat, cute little mouse, or some disgustingly cute monster, or any kind of animal, real or fake, that would be found with a hero of the female persuasion. Any animal that would be associated with guys that is following her around is there because:
1) It’s her boyfriend’s.
2) It is following her, despite her insistence not to do so.
3) It makes her look cool.
88. Law of The Force- Most Anime heroes are blessed with a unique sort of ability that enables bad things to happen to those that deserve it or makes things like bullets or debris totally miss them (Also referred to as "Dumb Luck"), even though they are mostly unaware of it. Those who have this ability include Vash the Stampede, Captain Justy Ueki Tylor, and Jar Jar Binks.
89.Law of Cat Fighting- Two females with a grudge can and will go at each other, sometimes ripping off clothes. Sometimes it escalates so much, that property damage begins to occur.
First Corollary- A running fight can be so destructive; you can follow it from a distance just by watching for the smoke. (Also known as the "A-ko/ B-ko Thing")
90.Law of Healing- Most anime heroes have a Wolverine-like healing factor that enables them to regenerate from a massive wound or broken bone within minutes. Being immortal sometimes helps.
91.Law of Stereotype Crew Characteristics- All ships, either waterborne or space borne, have the following crew members:
1) The captain
2) His Lieutenant
3) Various female technical staff
4) A hotshot pilot
5) A cute little girl/twins (either stowaways or not)
6) The Doctor
7) The Doctor’s assistant (either a spy or not)
Weighted among the crew are various quirks which include:
1) Extreme coolness/luck
2) Amazing Intelligence
3) Incredible irritation
4) Extreme cuteness
5) Irresponsible drunkenness
6) Homophobias
7) Emotionless (Idiots.)
92. Law of Spark lines- Whenever a character of the main character’s interest appears, flowers, sparkles, or abstract circles of pastel colors appear around said character, or both. Roses with exaggerated thorns appear when it is dangerous love. No one knows why this is, though most have a theory: Anime characters are freaks!
93. Law of Anime Events- Much like wrestling, anything and everything can happen

Dyslexics are teople poo.

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

On the journey of life, I choose the psycho path.

My drinking team has a bowling problem.

If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.

If I get you advantage, can I take drunk of you?

Honk if you've never seen a gun fired from a moving vehicle.

Veni, Vidi, Velcro. I came, I saw, I stuck around.

You will soon find out that I am just a gay man in a woman’s body. I don’t need beauty sleep.

That.. “fiery temper and a nice rack”.. could rip your heart out and feed it to you in your sleep, without waking you up. I suggest you give her some damn respect.

It is forbidden to kill; therefore all murderers are punished unless they kill in large numbers and to the sound of trumpets.

Enemies stab you in the chest. Friends stab you in the back. True friends don’t carry knives.

"Ladies and gentlemen, as I stand here before you, sitting behind you, I am here to tell you something I know nothing about. Next Wednesday, being last Friday, there'll be a lady's convention for men only. Admission is free, you pay at the door, pull up a chair, and sit on the floor."

A relationship is like a rose, how long it lasts, no one knows. Love can erase an awful past, love can be yours, you'll see at last. To feel that love, it makes you sigh, to have it leave, you'd rather die; you hope you've found that special rose, 'cause you love and care for the one you chose.

Is there a ninja in your pants? Cuz your ass is kicking!

I suffer from ADOSO. Don’t you mean ADD? Nope, ADOSO, Attention Defecate—Ooh Shiny Object!

I'm not a pain in the ass, but I will be when you bend over.

You tell me what you think and I'll tell you what kind of idiot you are.

"Solitude scares me. It makes me think about love, death, and war. I need distraction from anxious, black thoughts."

“Courage is not the lack of fear but the ability to face it."

The nature of water, in and of itself, is the most versatile nature that any one element has. It can both create, and destroy. It can move silently and under the surface, or devastatingly, and with no regard for its surroundings. It can be as deep and unseen as an aquifer, or as obvious and torrential as rapids. It can flow around an object, wearing it down to nothing in a period of hundreds of years, or it can crash upon that object, and obliterate it within seconds. It is a contradiction unto itself, and yet it is the very basis for both life and death of any one living being upon this plane of existence.

The hardest mask you’ll ever wear is one that hides your soul.

A question that sometimes drives me hazy; am I or are the others crazy?

One person's craziness is another person's reality.

Squabbles are for grown ups who are too jaded by reality to understand the true meaning of life.

Jigoku ni ike - go to hell

“Writing in English is the most ingenious torture ever devised for sins committed in previous lives.”
~James Joyce
Irish author (1882 - 1941)

Having multiple personalities is fun. It keeps life interesting.

If knowledge is power, power corrupts, corruption is a crime, and crime never pays... does knowledge in the end leave you broke?

I know Kung-Fu!! And fifty other dangerous words!!

I called you boyfriend gay and he hit meh with his PURSE!

My mind works like lightning... one brilliant flash and it's gone.

I live, and love, and laugh, Why? Because I will not give in to those who want me to die, to hate, and to cry. I will not surrender. My life is mine to live, and if you wish it gone, you will have to take it yourself, because I will not take it for you, nor will I make it easy.

The world can't end today... it's already tomorrow in Japan...

If the aliens are looking for intelligent life then why are you scared?

Before you critizize someone you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you piss them of your already long gone and you've got their shoes!

I'm smiling. That alone should scare you.

Don't hit kids! No. Seriously. They Have Guns Now!!

I'm not retarded! I just like licking windows...

Fake is the trend... I guess everyone's in style.

It's all fun and games till someone loses an eye... Then It's Find The Eye!!

If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished
cleaning.

25 REASONS I OWE MY MOTHER

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished
cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3 . My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of
next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the
store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't
have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION .
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that
way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don 't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all it's students

Payback is a bitch and I am her master

You’re fucked royally and with a sandpaper condom.

There are good ships and there are wood ships. There are ships that sail the sea. But the best of ships are friendships and may they always be.

The Forecast for tomorrow: a sprinkle of genius with a slight chance of doom

Rules are like paperclips. Meant to hold things together, fun to bend, and easy to twist out of shape.

A simple friend wonders about your romantic history. A real friend could blackmail you with it.

A simple friend doesn't know your parents' first names. A real friend will tease and call them 'mom and dad'.

A simple friend, when visiting, acts like a guest. A real friend opens your refrigerator and helps themselves.

You can only be young once but you can be immature forever.

When french people swear, do they say "pardon my english?”

I love to go to the school yard and watch all the little kids jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming… they don’t know I’m only using blanks

Jesus is coming... HIDE THE PORN

“The road to hell is paved with good intentions and the road to heaven is just as bad, better just to stick up your finger and say ‘screw it all’”

Religion is what keeps the poor from murdering the rich.

Anything that does not kill you makes you stronger. Unless it cripples you. Then you, my Dear Friend, are screwed.

Earth is the insane asylum of the universe

Love is friendship set on fire

You have enemies? Good. That means you've stood up for something, sometime in your life.

Knowledge is power, and power is corrupt. So go to school and be evil.

Friends are like puzzle pieces. Every piece has special meaning in your heart.
Once you lose even just a single piece, the puzzle will not complete anymore and no one or thing that can replace the missing pieces

"Here officer, hold my beer while I find my license."

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

When you tell a girl a secret, it doesn’t really matter if their a gossip or not, but if their sister is.

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands they’re picking the locks, they are always locking three.

"As writers, we are gods over our creation. For ultimately, we decide what even the mightiest deity does."

"Finding good fanfiction is like searching for change in a sewer. It's there, but you have to go through a lot of crap to find it."

Those MOTHER FUCKING BASTARDS!”
“LANGUAGE YOUR ONLY SEVEN!”
“When I’m older?”
"Of course. A mans got to have some good insults up his sleeve.”

Merde- Shit.
Baiser- Fuck.
Dieu fichu cela! -God damn it!

Before a man goes on a quest for vengeance, he should first dig two graves.

When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It’s a whole different way of thinking.

I don’t understand why anyone would ever beat their children; when damaging them psychology is far more permanent.

I think we should take Iraq and Iran and combine them into one country and call it Irate. All the pissed off people live in one place and get it over with

They say the sins of the fathers are visited on the children,' dad said, "'So what did grandpa do to deserve you?

Roses are red, violets are blue, I once thought I was ugly, until I saw you!

You know sometimes, I get the sudden urge to run around naked. But then I just drink some Windex. It keeps me from streaking!

Deja Vu -When you think you're doing something you've done before, it's because God thought it was so funny, he had to rewind it for his friends

I wish I had a Kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula AND Superman away.

I'm not paranoid! Which one of my enemies told you that?

Truck Driver's Last Words: The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with the US auto makers for the past five years, whereby the auto makers were installing black boxes in four-wheel drive pickup trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash. They were surprised to find in 45 of the 50 states the last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh, Crap!" Only the states of Oklahoma, Missouri, Arkansas, Alabama and Texas were different, where over 89.3 percent of the final words were: "Hold my beer and watch this"

Well aren't you a waste of two billion years of evolution.

!klat kcab ruoy dna uoy mnaD

The next time I see your face, I hope it's on the back of a milk carton

STRESS: that confusion of the body that comes from suppressing the desire to choke the living shit out of some asshole that desperately needs it

Management not responsible for lost or stolen virginity

Carpe scrotum!

Good friends are god’s apology for bad relatives.

A good friend will ask you why you're crying. A BEST FRIEND will grab the shovel and help you bury the jerk that made you cry.

The problem with defending the English language is that English is as pure as a cribhouse whore. We don't just borrow words; on occasion, English has pursued other languages down alleyways to beat them unconscious and rifle through their pockets for new vocabulary.

"A man was going up to bed, when his wife told him he'd left the light on in the garden shed-she could see it from the bedroom window. But he said that he hadn't been in the shed that day. He looked himself, and there were people in the shed, stealing things.
He rang the police, but they told him that no one was in his area, so no one was available to catch the thieves. He said ok, hung up, counted to 30 and rang the police again.
"Hello. I just rang you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed? Well, you don't have to worry about them now, I've just shot them all."
Within five minutes there were half a dozen police cars in the area, an Armed Response unit, the works. Of course, they caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the policemen said to this man: "I thought you said you'd shot them!"
He replied: "I thought you said there was no-one available!” "

Schizophrenic Ninjas! Where are My Hotdogs!?

I swear to God, you will have your titles stripped, your reputation shattered and you will find yourself locked into the deepest pit of the worst part of Prison, with a mutant career dog rapist's dick deep in your colon before the night is out! Do I make myself clear?"

Sorry man, but I got to make like your personality and spilt!

People like you are why we are born with middle fingers.

Please tell your pants that it's not polite to point.

If you can smile when things go wrong, then you have someone in mind to blame.

There are 2 types of pedestrians, the quick and the dead.

Have fun and don’t kill anyone . . . Unless they’re from the government.

‘Chastity Charms and Amorous Idiot Castration Hexes’ by Hans Offnow and I. Sedno.

1.) No matter how much he looks like one, Kiba is not a dog and doesn’t appreciate being petted
2.) It is not acceptable to accuse Hyuuga Neji of looking at the girls hotspring every time he is seen using the Byakugan
3.) Constantly referring to Naruto as “idiot” has already been done, calling him a “sasuke’s bitch” was downright inappropriate.
4.) Hinata is NOT a stalker, referring to her as such is not acceptable, however amusing it may be.
5.) No good will come of trying to bribe Tsunade with chocolate bars, even if she accepts.
6.) Calling Neji “nine toes,” “inbred,” or “cousin fucker,” will result in a beating.
7.) Calling Ino fat will result in a beating.
8.) Calling Choji fat, however true, will result in a beating.
9.) Making references to Lee’s striking resemblance to Betty Boop, while amusing, was unfair.
10.) Replacing Shino’s deodorant with pesticide is not acceptable.
11.) Polishing your Kunai in public is considered threatening behavior. “Polishing your Kunai” in public is considered indecent.
12.) Humming the mission impossible theme while attempting to steal Kakashi’s mask is not amusing.
13.) Humming the mission impossible theme while attempting to steal Shino’s glasses is also not amusing.
14.) Food and soldier pills are considered ninja tools. Ecstasy pills are not.
15.) Neither are estrogen pills. Claiming they belong to your opponent while their mother is watching is considered bad form.
16.) A cunning blow to the genitals is considered both bad form and a forbidden Jutsu
17.) Trying to prove that it is not a forbidden Jutsu doesn’t work; it’s in the scroll of sealing.
18.) Drugging your opponent is not a legitimate form of Genjutsu.
19.) It is also forbidden to tell the new Genins that an incredibly powerful bunny rabbit guards the tunnels inside the Hokage monument.
20.) Constantly saying “Ni” is not considered Ninjutsu, Taijutsu or Genjutsu. It’s just annoying.
21.) A herring is not considered a weapon and/or ninja tool.
22.) Trying to prod Gaara just to see if the sand reacts is considered disrespectful, though entertaining.
23.) Kakashi wears a facemask for a reason, do not remove it.
24.) Tobi is not a lollipop, he is an arch villain, saying otherwise is dangerous to Genins.
25.) Using the caged bird seal as a bulls-eye is a bad idea.
26.) Calling Choji Cartman and/or doing a Cartman impression near Choji is also a bad idea.
27.) Calling Naruto Kenny will only confuse him.
28.) Taking a photo of Sasuke and complaining about red eye can only be passed off as ignorance once.
29.) Prodding Uchiha Itatchi is a bad idea.
30.) Prodding any of Akatsuki is a bad idea.
31.) Prodding Kankuro is mildly amusing, but a bad idea.
32.) Finding a duck that weighs more than Ino does not mean that Ino is a witch.
33.) Using Chakra to create a blade does not make you a Jedi.
34.) Saying you want a new fox pelt coat in front of Naruto was not kind.
35.) I should not loudly denounce yaoi as a matter of personal safety
36.) I should not refer to Naruhina or Sasusaku as “lady and the tramp.” Speculation about who fills what role will end in a beating.
37.) Calling either Gaara or Sasuke “emo” will more than likely result in a beating.
38.) Telling Kankuro that black is “sooo last year” is not good for health.
39.) Displaying Yaoi is considered a forbidden Jutsu
40.) Opening a betting pool on “will Akatsuki capture Naruto,” is inappropriate.
41.) Even if Tsunade is the first to place a bet.
42.) Following Orochimaru while doing a Steve Erwin impression is not a good idea.
43.) Following team 8 while doing a steve Erwin impression is also a bad idea.
44.) No good will come of trying to persuade fangirls/boys that Deidara really is a man.
45.) Tying a coconut to the Konoha messenger birds is unacceptable.
46.) Saying that team 8’s favourite pass time is bestiality will indefinitely result in a bad case of fleas.
47.) The word Genin does not translate, in any known language, to target practise.
48.) If I pester Tsunade that I need medical attention after receiving “hearing AIDS” I deserve what’s coming to me.
49.) I must not taunt Genins from the top of the Hokage building with a ridiculous French accent.
50.) Even for a Jounin, renting out Genins or Chuunins to Hentai publications was, in retrospect, a poorly thought out money making scheme.

The voices in my head doubted my sanity but I told them to shut up because the pink elephants said I was just fine.

I will kill you so hard you will die to death

“Daddy.”
“Yes beeswax?”
“I need to go now.”
“I thought you weren’t meeting that boy from school until two.”
“Plans have changed.”
“Go enjoy yourself, beeswax. But if that boy does anything…”
“You’ll rip out his intestines through his nostrils. Don’t worry, Daddy. I’ll be fine.”

“Jack and Jill went up the hill to have some hanky panky. Silly Jill forgot her pill so now there’s little Franky.”

“Mary had a little skirt with splits right up the sides, and everywhere that Mary went the boys could see her thighs. Mary had another skirt; ‘twas split right up the front. And everywhere that Mary went the boys could see her…

You are here to watch me fail to teach the subtle science and exact art of potion making. As there is little foolish wand-waving here, for I’m not capable of doing it, many of you will hardly believe this is magic. I don't expect you will really understand the dangers of the softly simmering cauldron with its shimmering fumes that make your hair greasy, the delicate power of liquids that creep through human veins giving your skin a pale, cadaveric color, bewitching the brewers’ mind, ensnaring their common senses. I can teach you how to battle fame, throw glory away, even stop death in its tracks with just ugliness, if you aren't as big a bunch of dunderheads as I am.

“How powerful are you people?”
“We give the Pentagon nightmares, the United Nations heartburn, and have, on occasion, made the President cry.”

They didn’t just think outside the box, they demolished the box for spare parts

“So you're an analyst and a therapist? How fascinating.” Andrew said.
“Yes, or as I like to call it, an analrapist. I even had cards made up, but for some reason people never keep them, or talk to me after I hand them out. Or make eye contact. But what's a strapping young lad like yourself doing here?”

“I wanna go through that collection inside. I saw some sweet ass weapons.”
“Dibs on the guns!”
“Isn't it a bit morbid to discuss going through a dead man's belonging?” “The body's not even cold yet.”
“And as long as that fire burns, it ain't getting cold anytime soon. Besides, he's not using them,” “Yo! Dead guy! You mind if we take your stuff?”
“She has a point,”
“All he said was 'crackle, crackle'. I'm assuming that means 'Sure, take all my cool toys.'”

The Perfect Man
Author Unknown

The perfect man is gentle
Never cruel or mean
He has a beautiful smile
And keeps his face so clean.

The perfect man likes children
And will raise them by your side
He will be a good father
As well as a good husband to his bride.

The perfect man loves cooking
Cleaning and vacuuming too
He'll do anything in his power
To convey his feelings of love for you.

The perfect man is sweet
Writing poetry from your name
He's a best friend to your mother
And kisses away your pain.

He has never made you cry
Or hurt you In any way
Oh, screw this stupid poem
The perfect man is gay.

OK. I'm gonna need a hammer, a chisel... maybe a couple of rocket launchers. But this jelly jar WILL come open!

People say that I don't have any points, but knives have points and I have a lot of knives so therefore I have a lot of points!

High School is just an elaborate plot by vampires to obtain the blood of teenagers through periodic blood-drives.

Who am I? I'm indecision. I'm everything. I'm nothing. And I may even be both.

I got kicked out of wood working for not wearing my safety goggles while sawing off another kid’s left arm...

No matter how hard you try, you can't fall off the floor.

Sure, go ahead, try to hit me. But I must warn you, I am a master of the martial ar…OUCH! Dude that hurt!

When life hands you lemons, squirt life in the eye and run like hell.

The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they'll be when you kill them

Some people say 'if you can't beat them, join them'. I say 'If you can't beat them, beat them', because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise

If at first you don't succeed...go back and reload the gun

Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat

There are few problems that can’t be solved with high explosives

If two wrongs don't make a right, try three

That news traveled faster than heroin through an addicts veins.

Little Susie took a drink and fell down to the floor, for what she thought was H2O was H2SO4

“Then go out trying your best. I read something once but I can’t remember what it said so I’ll tell you what I remember of it. I will fight until I have nothing left. If my weapon breaks, I’ll fight with my hands. If my hands are cut off, I’ll kick them with my feet. If my feet get cut off, I’ll crawl along the ground and bite them. If they kill me, I will still win by getting my blood on them and ruining their clothes.”

“Serial killer hotline you name um we maim um”

With friends like these, I hope my enemies have a spare bedroom.

I get plenty of exercise: jumping to conclusions, pushing my luck, and dodging deadlines

Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic.

Everyone has the right to be stupid. Some people just abuse the privilege

I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match it for me at kick boxing

Paranoia is just another word for longevity

Once you get me angry I usually stay there. I enjoy my anger, it's the only hobby I have

Whoever said sunshine brings happiness never danced in the pouring rain

It's impossible to make any plan foolproof because fools are so ingenious

People say I've lost my mind. I haven't - I saved it on a back-up disk!...Somewhere.

Never go to bed with anyone crazier then you.

To steal information from a person is called plagiarism. To steal information from the enemy is called gathering intelligence.

Forgive your enemies but never, never forget their names

We live in an age where pizza gets to your house before the police.

If I could get a firm grip on reality, I'd choke it

We have these digs at each other. Viggo will go on about Elves and how they're always doing their nails and brushing their long, blonde hair, and being all prissy. And I just say: Well, at least I'm going to live forever! Got that? LIVE FOREVER!"

Vig used to call me 'elf boy,' and I'd call him 'filthy human.' As an Elf, I never got a scratch on me, never got dirty. And Vig would come out with blood and sweat all over him. And he'd say to me, 'Oh, go manicure your nails.'

Keep your friends close, keep your enemies tied up with fishing wire in your basement

If at first you don't succeed - cheat, repeat until caught, and then lie!

Men: Can't live with them, can't bury them in the back yard without the neighbors seeing.

The right to swing my fist ends where the other man's nose begins.

Life's a bitch, if it were easy it'd be a slut

"Knowledge is realizing that the street is one-way, wisdom is looking both directions anyway"

A friend wipes your tears when your rejected a best friend goes up to him and says, "It's because your gay isn't it?"

A friend will encourage your choices in life, a true friend will write them down for black mail.

The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

God must love stupid people, he made so many

God gave them a penis and a brain but not enough blood to use both at the same time...

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poke me in the ribs and cackle, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

"Someday your prince charming will come. Mine just took a wrong turn, got lost, and is too stubborn to ask for directions."

Black mambas are not the most poisonous snake in the world, but just two drops of their venom can kill a human. They can grow up to 14' long and can move at 12 mph. They are not named they're coloring. They are generally a dark brown or olive (though I'm making Ictus pure black). They are named for they inside of their mouths, which are a deep, dark black.

“And this ladies and gentlemen is why one must never call an Akimichi fat,” Naruto tells the remaining Genin from their observation room.
“For thou art tiny and go squish when stepped on,” Kiba adds with chuckle when he notices Ten-Ten’s bug-eyed expression. - Master of Puppets, Naruto fanfic

I'm not a complete idiot. Some parts are missing

My attention span is just short enough to annoy you and ignore you all at the same time.

An essay is an attempt to explain something that could have been said in two sentences

Life isn't passing me by. It's trying to run me over.

I Know Violence Isn't The Answer, I Got It Wrong On Purpose

Whatever is eating you...must be suffering horribly

From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.

Females. Can’t live with them. Can’t shoot them

She felt someone poking her side with their large sharp claw. Sighing Kagome took out another stick of pocky and handed it off to the demon lord. She felt like a fuedal drug dealer. An image of a twitching Sesshomaru tapping his veins and injecting chocolate made her laugh outright.

Out of all your lies "I Love You" was my favorite

~ When life gives you lemons throw them at old people. ~

I believe in dragons, good men, and other fantasy creatures.

Quick, pick a color from 1 to 10.

I am on a journey to the far corners of my room in search of what they call a "floor." Wish me luck, my friends, for I may not return alive...

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

"This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly, it should be thrown with great force."

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.

Grief is a tidal wave that over takes you, smashes down upon you with unimaginable force, sweeps you up into its darkness, where you tumble and crash against unidentifiable surfaces, only to be thrown out on an unknown beach, bruised, reshaped... grief will make an entirely new person of you, if it doesn’t kill you in the process – Unknown

You laugh, I laugh. You cry, I cry. You hurt, I hurt. You jump off a bridge, I get a paddle boat and save your stupid ass

I understand that Scissors can beat Paper, and I get how Rock can beat Scissors, but there's no way Paper can beat Rock. Is Paper supposed to magically wrap around Rock leaving it immobile? If so, why can't paper do this to scissors? Screw scissors, why can't paper do this to people? Why aren't sheets of college ruled notebook paper constantly suffocating students as they attempt to take notes in class? I'll tell you why, because paper can't beat anybody, a rock would tear that crap up in two seconds. When I play rock/ paper/ scissors, I always choose rock. Then when somebody claims to have beaten me with their paper I can punch them in the face with my ready made fist and say, oh, I'm sorry, I thought paper would protect you, asshole!

Have a history teacher explain this-- if they can.
Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.
Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.
Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.
Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
Both Presidents were shot in the head
Now it gets really weird.
Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy's secretary was named Lincoln
Both were assassinated by Southerners.
Both were succeeded by Southerners named Johnson.
Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.
John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.
Both assassins were known by their three names.
Both names are composed of fifteen letters.
Now hang on to your seat.
Lincoln was shot at the theater named 'Ford.'
Kennedy was shot in a car called 'Lincoln' made by 'Ford.'
Lincoln was shot in a theater and his assassin ran and hid in a warehouse.
Kennedy was shot from a warehouse and his assassin ran and hid in a theater.
Booth and Oswald were both assassinated before their trials.
And here's the kicker...
A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland
A week before Kennedy was shot, and he was with Marilyn Monroe.
Creepy huh?

ONLY IN AMERICA
1. Only in America ...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in America ...are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America ...do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America ...do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
5. Only in America ...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America ...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America ...do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America ...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
9. Only in America ...do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
10. Only in America ...do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering

The European Commission has just announced that English will be the official
language of the European Union. German, which was the other possibility, narrowly missed out.
During negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would
become known as "Euro-English".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly this will make
sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favor of "k".
This should klear
up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the
troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like
fotograf 2 shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to
reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments
will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a
deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the
silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.
By the 4th yer pepl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with
"z" and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining
"ou"
and after zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no
mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza.
Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.
Und after zis fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German; lik zey vunted in ze
forst plas.
If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl
"Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, its called cargo?

Teacher:"You, you and you, see me after class." - Student 2:"but I didn't do anything." - Teacher:"Well... you will"

Teacher:"You two, see me after class" - Student 3: "But what about me?" - Teacher: "You can see me after class as well" - Student 3: "Oh, okay"

Student: "What did you do for the ides of March?" Teacher (with a completely straight face): "I killed someone.

“Code of the Marauders First Rule- you mess with one of us, you mess with all of us.”
“Code of the Marauders Third Rule – Hit hard, hit fast, and leave chaos in your wake.”

- Love is fire. But whether it's gonna warm your heart or burn your house down you can never tell. –

A confused nine year old boy goes up to his mother and asks,

"Is God male or female?"

After thinking for a moment, his mother responds, "Well, God is
both male and female."

This confuses the little boy so he asks,

"Is God black or white?"

"Well, God is both black and white."

This further confuses the boy so he asks,

"Is God gay or straight?"

At this the mother is getting concerned, but answers none the
less, "Honey, God is both gay and straight."

At this, the boy's face lights up with understanding and he
triumphantly asks, "Is God Michael Jackson?"

If you wish upon a star,
Your wish may come true.
Unless that star is actually a meteorite coming to destroy all life on earth,
Then you're pretty much screwed no matter what you wish for,
Unless it's death by meteorite.

(Real) Eienstein Quote:
If sucess equals A, then the formula for sucess must be as follows...
X + Y + Z = A
Where X equals work, Y equals play, and Z equals keep your mouth shut.

a = b
a2 = ab
a2-b2 = ab-b2
(a+b)(a-b) = b(a-b)
(a+b) = b
a+a = a
2a = a
2 = 1

“Old Mother Hubbard,
Went to the cupboard,
To fetch her poor dog a bone.
When she bent over,
Rover took over,
And gave her a bone of his own.”

“Now Mary, on the other hand, is still hung up about her little lamb. Bitch ain’t been putting out for weeks.”
“What happened to the lamb?”
“She had this lamb see, and it had a touch of the colic. She started giving it brandy, and the damn thing became an alcoholic.” The rabbit laughed. “It gets better, though. After that, the damn thing was blind drunk one day and ran into a pylon. Bam!” EB smacked his paws together. “10,000 volts of electricity, right up the ass. Turned that lil’ lamb’s wool to nylon!”
“Did it die?”
”No, but her father shot it the next day, dead. Then the bastard had the nerve to give it back to Mary between two slices of bread.”
“Oh.”
EB nodded. “Yeah, those were some damn good sandwiches.” He let out a sigh. “But before the lamb went up to that sausage grinder in the sky, Mary used to wear this skirt that had slits all the way up the sides. Everywhere she went, you could see her thighs. It was a thing of beauty.” He knocked back another shot, matched by Naruto. “And she used to have this other skirt, with a slit right up the front.” He made a motion like he was pulling up his zipper. “But she didn’t wear that one often.”

“Besides, your mother’s a transvestite and likes to play with children.”

They’ll be sure to hunt me down,” Dracula said.
“How will they know your up and about?” Harry asked, seemingly interested.
“I’ve asked myself that many a time. It’s like they have an extra sense in their bodies. Taste, Touch, See, Hear, Smell, and Dracula’s Awake,” the Lord of Darkness said, waving his hand in the air.

The other difference: I'm crazy by choice, you're just nuts."

"Hm..is this about me calling Malfoy a self-absorbed swine and piss-poor excuse for a biped? and that his mother must cry every night considering that she really wanted a girl and only got half a result since he/she minces around like a wannabe princess, as well as insinuating that his family tree forks about as much as a flagpole?"

“Diamonds are forever but so is a crippling injury.”

"Moe's funeral parlor. You tag 'em we bag 'em."

Please refrain from reading the story below

This is a true story. A girl died in 1933. A man buried her when she was still alive. The murder chanted, "Toma Sota balcu," as he buried her. Now that you have read this chant, you will meet this little girl. In the middle of the night she will be on your ceiling. She will suffocate you like she was suffocated. If you post this on your profile, she will not bother you. Your kindness will be rewarded. Lucillia