Finally updated my profile for the first time in about three years. Huzzah for life :D

Odd conversations you just had to be there to get:

At my bus stop

Me: Hey, Jonathan, are you a necrophiliac?

Jon: What's a necrophliac?

Me: Just answer, are you?

Jon: No, it'll be something rude... I wonder if Nile's a necrophiliac -looks at big scary year 11 kid at the bus stop-

Me: Go ask him.

Jon: Fine, I will. Nile, are you a necrophiliac?

Nile: ...You're sick.

Middle of a drama lesson

Me: Is it rape if neither person is consensual?

Emma: What?!

Me: I'm just wondering.

Emma: How can both of them be nonconsensual?

Me: Well, what if there's a third person who- (bursts out in tears of laughter)

Emma: A third person?! Sian, you're weird.

Me: ... Can you get a mini-rapist?

Emma: Why would you want that?

Me: Why would you want AIDs in a jar?

Emma: Good point. Instead of my jar of AIDs, I'll give you a mini-rapist in a jar, kay?

On the way to CCF

Me: Ron...Ronald...Lexi, I think I just called Chris Ronald.

Lexi: Why Ronald?

Me: It just sounded good, thought it was his name.

(both look at Chris, who is walking behind us)

Lexi: He looks like a Ronald.

Me: Chris, from now on, we're calling you Ronald.

A bored summer's afternoon at Emma's house

Me: Did we introduce KT to Epiphany yet?

KT: What's Epiphany?

Emma: It's this song from Sweeney Todd.

Me: We love it!

Emma: We all deserve to die!

KT: Awe, that's mean.

Me: Sweeney's waiting! I want you bleeders!

KT: BLEEDERS? What the hell's a bleeder?

Me: I think it's some sort of insult. Like bastard, or something like that.

Emma: You can just go up to someone in the street and shout BLEEDER!

(random conversation about arses)

Me: Anyway-

KT: Don't interrupt me, arse-bleeder!

Emma's Bedroom

KT: You know that you can get porn?

Emily: Yeah.

KT: Well, do you think pandas have porn?

Me: Why would pandas need porn? They sort of just do it.

KT: I'm sure pandas like that sort of stuff too.

Emily: Why are we talking about this?

KT: Well, we could carry on talking about it when Emma gets back.

Emma gets back from the bathroom

KT: So yeah, animal porn...

Emma: WHAT?!

Living room as my dad's work friend visits

Simon: You know, Sian, that's my car out there.

Me: Uh-huh.

Simon: In the future, you'll have to have a boyfriend with a car like that.

Me: Okay.

Simon: It's a good car, very stylish, very sleak.

Me: 'kay.

Simon: At least, you'll be lucky to get a boyfriend with a car like that, it's a very good car.

Me: Okay.

Simon: You'll be fighting the guys off when you're older, won't you?

Me: Uh-huh.

Simon: You're ignoring me? 'Just go away' you're thinking, 'I'm trying to watch TV'. Bah!

Me: -snigger-

Day after Boxing Day, 2007

Dad: Hey, I've put the leftover turkey and ham into pies!

Me: Dad, you can't do that.

Dad: Why not?

Mum: She's just gotten into Sweeney Todd.

Dad: Isn't that the one about the barber?

Me: Yeah, and putting the bodies into pies. I can't look at them now!

Dad: Huh, well, you're eating them or nothing.

Me: But they're pies! They're notoriously made out of humans!

Dad: Why would I put humans in pies?

Me: That's what Mrs Lovett said.

While watching Goodnight Mr Tom crycry

Becky: Awe, that is so sad! Why would anyone want to beat a child?

Me: Please, Becky, no one would beat a child.

Becky: ...Do you know what you just said.

Me: Yeah, well, what I meant was- well,- shush!

Psychology

KT: I was just with my friend, then why do I feel sad? I mean, it's like you've seen this cake there in front of you for a while,
and finally you eat it, but the cake's taken away from you.

Me: Well, maybe you've seen the cake for so long you don't notice it too much.

KT: Then why am I sad?

Me: Because now, you've noticed the cake, and realised you wanted cake, and when
it's taken away, you miss it more.

KT:...

Me: This was all metaphorical, right?

Library, one very dull break time

Me: Oh my God, guess what! My mum promised she'd finally get me Bram Stoker's Dracula on DVD!

Caroline: Good for you.

Me: It was only two pounds as well!

Caroline: Wow, that's amazing. I mean, with that money, you could buy four flapjacks from the school shop.

Me: Yeah, but which would you rather? Four flapjacks, or Dracula with Gary Oldman?

Caroline: -rolling her eyes at my Gary Oldman fantasy- Dracula, definately.

Me: I've really gotta ask around now. -looks to James- James, which would you rather? Four flapjacks or Bram Stoker's Dracula on DVD?

James: Four flapjacks.

Me: That was almost too quick, James. And why! It's got Gary Oldman in it!

James: Who?

Walking to some lesson or another

Me: Eek! Gary Oldman fantasy, people!

Judith: Who's Gary Oldman?

Me: You don't know?

Judith: Well, no, obviously not.

Me: He was in Harry Potter, you'll know him there.

Judith: Who did he play?

Me: Sirius Black.

Judith: Oh, him! Eugh, he's ancient, Sian!

Me: He isn't! He's only in his forties or something.

Judith: Well, he looks ancient. I mean, you saw him in Sweeney Todd, eugh.

Me: ...What?

Judith: He played that Judge guy.

Me: You're thinking Alan Rickman...who's also kinda hot.

Judith: But you said Sirius.

Me: Yeah, Sirius. You're thinking of Severus.

Judith: Oooooooh...-ping of realisation-

Study, my ears being raped by Leona Lewis

Me: Dad, play something else, please.

Dad: Awe, you don't like it?

Me: You haven't heard me playing my iPod in the stereo lately? It's all been Dresden Dolls and Repo, duh!

Dad: Oh, all that horrible screamng stuff.

Me: It's not scream! I hate scream! This is classcal music in the making.

Leona Lewis: I keep, keep bleeding love -thinking, 'hahaha, another raped by my music'-

Yet another Drama lesson...

Me: Do you think that Johnny Depp could rape someone?

Emma: I dunno. I mean, he could, but would he?

Me: Well, I don't know. He might want to at some point.

Emma: But would it count as rape?

Me: True, I mean, everyone wants to do it with him.

Emma: Exactly. I mean, if he wanted to rape me, I'd be like 'Take me Johnny!'

Me: Yeah, so i's decided. Johnny Depp can not rape anyone, because everyone wants to do it with him.

Another dull lunchtime after discussing a teacher's bum

Judith: He's also got a really nice voice, really sweet, like honey

Me: Yeah, a nice voice kind of helps. I mean, if you're doing it, you don't want the voice to disturb you, do you?

Judith: Exactly, my fun won't be ruined by a high, squeaky voice.

Me: Yeah, you kind of need a voice like... the Graverobber, from Repo.

Emma: True, true, he does have a fantastic voice.

Judith: Well, anyway, you need a name that won't disturb you.

Me: ...Do you think your name much matters?

Judith: Why?

Me: Well, what if your name can't be cried out. I mean, if you have a long name. I think two syllables is the maximum before it's silly.

Judith: Yeah, that's right. Like your name's perfect, you can just go 'Sian, oooh, Sian..'

Me: -blocking ears- I am not listening!

After A P.E Lesson

Judith: You know, Jack's pretty good at throwing.

Me: Yeah, of course.

Judith: No, really, he is. I mean, he throws really well. I nearly broke my fingers catching his balls...

Me: -sniggering manically-

Judith: That came out wrong

Library, another bored break time

Caroline: Hey, Sian, look at this! -points at magazine-

Me: -seeing Edward Scissorhands- Oh my God, lemme look!

Judith: Sian, you're so obsessed.

Me: What? I'm just interested in the movie.

Judith: Why make such a fuss? I mean, Johnny Depp's not even that fit. He's so old.

Me: But Hugh Jackman's about the same age.

Judith: But Hugh Jackman's so amazing. Johnny Depp's so old.

Little voice inside my head: We'll get our own back on her soon enough

Bus conversation

White University Guy: You know blackmailing, right?

White University Guy's friend: Yeah, sure I do.

White University Guy: Well, does that mean that it's just mailing for me, because I'm black?

White University Girl: I'm not sure it works that way.

White University Guy: Well, it's got to. I'm black, therefore it's just mailing for me.

Living room, with a horrid cold

Me: While I was in that study, did anyone figure out a cure for the common cold?

Mum: Sorry, no

Me: Then get to it, now!

Watching Jurassic Park

Me: (whispering) Mum, I think I'm gonna go upstairs now, I'm shattered

Mum: (whispering) Okay. But why are we whispering?

Me: (whispering urgently) Because there are dinosaurs! (points at TV)

Mum: (bemused look, then laughter) The things you say

One lunchtime, discussing Sweeney Todd

Lexi: I'm amazed he could sing

Me: Yeah, I wonder if there's anything Johnny Depp can't do.

Pause

Me: Suck, he can not suck

Lexi: (almost wets self laughing and rolls over on the floor)

Me: Wha- NO! No, I didn't mean it like that!!

A Dream I Felt I Had To Share With The World

I am sitting down for an exam in the bedroom of a house I once looked at while the family was moving. There are desks set out, and as we start, I look at my pen and realise I don't have one. So I ask for a pen, and the teacher tells me to bring out my bird call flute. She turns one of the wings into a pencil by turning it, and asks me to do the same with the head. It turns into a pen. I continue the test, and little by little shift myself around the room until I am outside. When I realise I'm sitting outside, I panic, seeing as I'm not allowed outside the room. The teacher sees, and tells me to move a little to the left so that I am inside. Immediately after this, we are sent to bed. Instead of tables there are now mattresses all over the floor. I take the one under the window, where I hear people talking about me. I discover that I am actually an Elphaba-style witch. We all hear a noise outside and look- there are pirates outside in our back garden. I lean out the window and ask Captain Hook, who has suddenly appeared, to lend me his pistol. He does so, and I shoot out the window at random pirates. When it runs out, I ask how many rounds he has left. He gives me two. After somehow shooting three rounds with this, we run out. I look down the corridor and see people outside calling to me, my dad and sister who have suddenly appeared as well. I go to them and see they have a massive apology cake saying 'I'm Sorry' in icing. We carry it around the back garden, and then back inside to Captain Hook, who is mourning the loss of his pirates. I go past the shower that is next to the kitchen thinking 'It's filthy, probably because there are pirates'.

END

How's that for warped imagination?