Hi! I'm Raelin, and I'll be your server this evening. Our special tonight is heavy smut, with shameless fluff and a gagging presence of lemon. I would also like to recommend the pointless humor, the Mary Sue and the songfics. And would you like fries, a choice of soups, or a Cesar salad?

Age: Older than Artemis Fowl, yet old enough to have sexy fantasies about him.
Sex: Will you buy me dinner first?
Location: UNDER YOUR BED Muuahahahaha

Books

Harry Potter; Artemis Fowl; Airman (actually, anything by Eoin Colfer, he's brilliant); The Chronicles of Narnia; the Adventures of Mary 'Jacky' Faber, Ship's Boy (1, 2, AND 3); the Georgia Nicholson books, Peter Pan; Grimm's Faery Tales; anything by Mary Janice Davidson- especially her Undead series; the Pretty Little Liars series; Looks. I actually read a lot, I just can never think of my favorites.

Favorite Pairings

Harry Potter:
Draco/Harry (Ah. Not enemies after all. SUPERSMUT!)
Albus S/Scorpius (The ASS pairing.)
Ron/Hermione (Hmm. what's that, Jo? ANVIL- SIZED HINTS? My my my. It appears that Harmonians are DELUSIONAL.)
Remus/Sirius (WOLFSTAR! 'Embraced like brothers' my ASS. This may be my all-time FAVORITE pairing. I know. Shocking.)
Neville/Luna (Strange, nerdy, plant- infested outcast love. Fuck you, Rolf Scamander, you were NOT IN THE BOOKS and therefore you sir are NOT as of yet approved to be good enough for Luna.)
Harry/Severus (Hawt cuteness. GO SEVERITUS!)
Severus/Lily (Emo love!)
James/Lily (Um, 'cuz, DUH. Without them, Harry/Draco wouldn't even exist! O.o)
Ron/Harry (Used to hate it, but spontaneously decided to read it, thank GOD.)
Harry/Blaise (Think about it. Does it make sense? No. Is it hot? Ah- hah, now we have reached an impasse.)
Blaise/Pansy (As a side pairing. I've grown quite fond of dear Pansy...And Blaise is just awesome. Evil sex, hooray!)

Artemis Fowl:
Arty/OC (The only other girl- besides Holly- is Minerva, and who wants that?)
Arty/Butler (ONLY by Janie Lust, because she rocks.)
Trouble/Holly (As a side pairing. Like rice, the ultimate side dish!)
Arty/Holly (Because there are no pretty boys for Artemis to get with and Minerva sucks. Also, Holly purely kicks ass!)

Narnia:
Peter/Edmund (INCEST, w00t! Plus, Eddie is so cute. Heh, him and his freckles...)
Peter/Caspian (Hot angry mansex. Double w00t. They're both so passionate! Okay, so they're not really that way in the books, but shut up.)
Caspian/Lucy (It makes sense. Think about it. Then friggin' write some for me.)

Hated Pairings:

Harry Potter:
Harry/Ginny (Well...I don't know why. I just began to despise Ginny after the fifth book; I really don't like her 'character', if one could call it that. Although I must admit, Harry's Inner Lust Dragon was pure unadulterated awesome. What would make it MORE awesome was if the Lust Dragon was aimed at Draco.)
Harry/Cho (Cho is a horrible, preppy crybaby who deserves to die. Yes Cedric is dead, and yes, I believe I did cry, but DON'T take it OUT on HARRY. Got it, bitch?)
Harry/Hermione (EW. Okay, Siriusly, even I have some standards. P.S.: Hey. Harmonians... We fuckin' won! HERON RULES!)
Harry/Sirius (NOOOOO. Sirius is with Remus or his brother, Regulus. NO ONE ELSE.)
Voldie/Anyone (Voldie is gross. Tom Riddle II is fine, but no Voldie.)

Artemis Fowl:
Juliet/Arty (Just no.)
Minerva/Arty (She's annoying. The canon- sue! "Oh as this deranged and dangerous criminal who almost murdered my father lies on the ground, I think I shall go up and kick him! What a brilliant plan! Then I shall stalk Artemis, who obviously belongs exclusively to Raelin Lupin- I mean...Holly. Yes, Holly- and then I shall enslave another sentient faery race so I can get more money to get another pony farm!" GOD I hate her so much. Thank you Eoin for making her magically disappear in Time Paradox, which was the only good thing about that book. P.S.: Someone come and discuss this book with me! None of my friends read it and I need to rant, BIG time.)

Narnia:
Tumnus/Lucy (How would they- ugh! Pedaphilia and beastiality? No. Just... No. Even I have morals.)
Peter/Susan (This isn't horrible, I just don't see it. Also, Susan is a bitch.)
Caspian/Susan (NO. FUCKING MOVIE FUCKING FUCKED IT UP. This never happened! No hints in the book at all. None!)

Movies

Charlie Bartlett, The Breakfast Club, Moulin Rouge, The Phantom of the Opera, Hello Dolly, Funny Girl, Austin Powers (Only the first one! Goldmember sucked!), Chicago!, Monty Python and the Holy Grail, Mean Girls, Mary Poppins, Lord of the Rings(all3),Hairspray,Stardust, Enchanted, Rocky Horror Picture Show, Pirates of the Caribbean, Labyrinth, Carrie.

Comics/Manga/Anime

The Sandman Chronicles, Runaways (I respect the Joss Whedon version and hope for more.) , Fray, Dark Horse Catwoman, Dark Horse Myspace presents SugarShock! (I AM DANDELION), Elfquest, Fruits Basket, FMA, Godchild, The Cain Saga, Vampire Knights, Yu Yu Hakasho, Ouran Host Club, Avatar: The Last Airbender, Teen Titans, Hana- Kimi, Deathnote, Vampire Knight, Chibi Vampire.

Shows

The Oblongs, American Dad, Family Guy, Invader Zim, Robot Chicken, Futurama, THS Investigates, TAPS, Monsterquest, Spongebob, Total Drama Island, Secret Life of the American Teenager, Pushing Daisies (it got cancelled... D:).

Quotes:

-"If you would be singing like this two thousand years ago, people would have stoned you." (Simon Cowell)
-"In primitive society, when native tribes beat the ground with clubs and yelled, it was called witchcraft; today, in civilized society, it is called golf." (Anonymous)
-"Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic insomniac who stays up all night wondering if there really is a Dog?" (Anonymous)
-“Oh my God, Santa just took his pants off.” (Draco Malfoy, in A Christmas Lapdance, by darkmosmordreheart)
-"Kingsley was going to crap wildebeast." (Harry Potter, in Ransoms, by Cheryl Dyson)
-"I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades...or a game of fake heart attack." (Demetri Martin)
-"What is it with McDonald's staff who pretend they don't understand you unless you insert the 'Mc' before the item you're ordering? It has to be a McChicken burger...a chicken burger gets blank looks. Well, I'll have a McStraw and jam it into your McEyes, you fucking McTosser!" (Billy Connolly)
-"What always staggers me is that when people blow their noses, they always look into their hankies to see what came out. What do they expect to find? A silver sixpence?" (Billy Connolly)
- Zim: "Gir! Why is there bacon in the soap?!"
Gir: "I made it myself!" (Invader Zim)
-“Naruto, Sasuke... I suggest you’d better verb before I verb your parts of body.” (Gaara, from How Lee got his ADJECTIVE NOUN Totally VERBED, by zimeatspotatoes)
-“No Lee, If you do this again I’m going to buy a martial arts book...Then I will hit you over the head with it until you learn your lesson.” (Gaara, from Catching the virus by KuroLi)
-Leah: "Is this Juno?"
Juno: "No, it's Morgan Freeman. Got any bones that need collecting?"
Leah: "Only the one in my pants." (Juno)
-"Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die." (Inigo Montoya, in The Princess Bride)
-Bleeker: "Yeah, well...I still have your underwear."
Juno: "I still have your virginity!" (Juno)
-"But I NEED tacos! I need them or I will EXPLODE! That happens to me sometimes..." (Gir, Invader Zim)
-“You, sir, may kindly get stuffed.” (James Potter, in yourmomismyheart's The Spy Game, chapter 16)
-Westley: "Can you move?"
Buttercup: "Move? You're alive! If you want I can fly." (The Princess Bride, Westley and Buttlercup)
-"Aw, c'mon, Puddin'! Don't ya wanna rev up your Harley? Vrooom vrooom!" (Harley Quinn, Mad Love)
-"And here you thought I was just another bubble- headed blonde bimbo! Well, the joke's on you- I'm not even a real blonde!" (Harley Quinn)
-"Make way for the Heir of Slytherin! Seriously evil wizard, coming through." (Fred and George, Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets)
-Me or Nora: Rrr!
The other: Rrr!
Both: EEEEEEEEEE! (while clawing the air)
Nora: DIES!!
Britt: SHOOTS!
Me: EATS FACE!
All: DIES FROM BRITT'S FACE POISON!! (Me, Nora, and Britt. Don't ask.)
-"Welcome to the Cloisters; climate best by government test." (Fairy May, The Curious Savage)
-"Take an umbrella. It's raining." (Fairy May, The Curious Savage)
-Luna: “Do you have a new pet, Draco?”
Draco: “Not really. It’s just a poor defenseless woodland creature I rescued from certain death. I named him Harry because he’s quite stupid, very lucky, and should be dead.” (Luna and Draco, in Cheryl Dyson's Wascally)
-"There are some things you can't share without ending up liking each other, and knocking out a twelve- foot mountain troll is one of them." (Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone)
-“I’m not ready for you to die just yet, Potter,” Draco admitted. Harry said nothing. Malfoy’s thumbs felt the soft patches of flesh behind Potter’s ears and brushed over them gently. “It’s just not right, you see,” Draco continued. “Because you are mine, Potter, not his. I made you what you are. Not him. Me. I taught you to fly. I gave you the drive to always be better than me. I kept you on your toes. I was there to balk you at every turn and scheme behind your back. Not Voldemort with his foolish convoluted plots and ridiculous machinations. I watched you and thwarted you and lived every moment in your shadow. I made you wary and distrustful. I made you strong enough to stand here and face death on your own two feet and spit in the eye of the one that pretends to own you. By hell, he does not have that right, because I am the one that has lived for you and you alone, Potter. You are mine and I am not about to let you go.” (Draco Malfoy, in Cheryl Dyson's Nervous Too)
-"It was then that Delirium noticed that she had absentmindedly transformed herself into a hundred and eleven perfect, tiny, multicolored fish. Each fish sang a different song. And as she put herself back together again, unable for the moment to remember whether the silver flecks went in the blue eye or the green one, she decided that a dog would be a nice thing to have. And then it occurred to her that there had been a dog around at some point, hadn't there? A nice doggie. And she went off to look for it, trailing occasional fish..." (Niel Gaiman's The Sandman; The Kindly Ones)
-"When I'm with you, every day feels like Double- Soup Tuesday." (Fry, Futurama)
-"Ahhhh, bring me my rape shoes." (Robot Chicken)
-"You say potato, she says, "Don't kill that potato, it's a baby!". (The What the Buck show, on the subject of The View- which I don't watch btw.)
-"Knowing human nature is knowing that if you gave ten people a rope and said “Pull,” three would pull, two would push, another three would give you a stupid look and say, “What?,” one of the remaining two would tell you to do something anatomically unlikely, and the last would steal the rope." (stolen from Elizabeth Tudor, an awesome friend of mineee :D)
-"All that nudity made me hungry." (Sirius Black, from remuslives23's fanfiction Naked)
-"Button O Button, Oh where has thou fled? Did thee tarry too long among fabric and thread? Did thee roll off my bosom and ceast to exist? How I wish I could follow thee into the mist." (Potter Puppet Pals: Snape's Diary)
-"Just a natural part of being unnatural." (Cyborg, Teen Titans)
-"Where did you come from how did you get here what is your favorite color do you wish to be my friend?" (Starfire, Teen Titans)
-"So, I wrote you a poem for your big day. Here it is:
Today is your 18th birthday
I don't know what rhymes with birthday
this is so not a poem
And it only took me 10 minutes to write!! Anyway, happy birthday!! :D" (Leah to my friend John; ah Facebook.)

I, Raelin Lupin, do solemnly swear to review all the fics I read, regardless of the number of reviews, its age, or anything else.

I have joined the Review Revolution.

1) Being gay is not natural. Real Americans always reject unnatural things like eyeglasses, polyester, liposuction and air conditioning.

2) Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.

3) Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract.

4) Straight marriage has been around a long time and hasn't changed at all; women are still property, blacks still can't marry whites, and divorce is still illegal.

5) Straight marriage will be less meaningful if gay marriage were allowed; the sanctity of Brittany Spears' 55-hour just-for-fun marriage would be destroyed.

6) Straight marriages are valid because they produce children. Gay couples, infertile couples, and old people shouldn't be allowed to marry because our orphanages aren't full yet, and the world needs more children.

7) Obviously gay parents will raise gay children, since straight parents only raise straight children.

8) Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country. That's why we have only one religion in America.

9) Children can never succeed without a male and a female role model at home. That's why we as a society expressly forbid single parents to raise children.

10) Gay marriage will change the foundation of society; we could never adapt to new social norms. Just like we haven't adapted to cars, the service-sector economy, or longer life spans.

Copy this to your profile if you believe in legalizing gay marriage!

Upcoming Stories:

Just Pretending(Artemis Fowl--An arranged marriage is making Artemis miserable. So he and his flushing bride Ursula decide that instead of divorcing, they'll pretend to be happy to keep up appearances. But will their conflicting emotions get in the way? Probably about twenty- thirty something chapters.) On hold.
Hello Again(Harry Potter--Alice and Remus were once lovers, but it ended badly- thirteen years ago. Now, guess what? She's baaack, as an assistant to hers truly, Remus Lupin! They're being forced to share an office, a classroom, and -gasp- maybe a bed? How will they get over their unhealthily repressed feelings? Maybe...hmm. Well, a lot of chapters. It was a one- shot but it's way too long.) Working on it...
When the Day Met the Night(Harry Potter-- Severus Snape is a loner. Carrie Skynard is not. But Carrie seems drawn to him, like a moth to flame. Will she crash and burn? Or will they flare up together in a passionate burst? And, above all- what does Sirius think of this?) I do try... I do.
Tom Riddle III and the Beginning of the End(Harry Potter-- Voldemort is dead, right? Right? Well, what if he had a son? Meet Tom M. Riddle III, who is destined to inherit great power and take over the world. One problem- he doesn't want to. Will this sweet, innocent boy destroy everything he ever loved? Or will he stop the evil- with the help of Harry Potter's son?) I'm trying!
Dementors' Kiss(Harry Potter-- What if the Gryffindor Princess got a taste of the dark side- and liked it? This is the story of good girl Anna Watson and her pursuit of happiness...With Draco Malfoy! But when love and war combine to form a dangerous cocktail of murder, jealousy, and passion, will Anna even survive to plan their future?) Um...-giggles-

List your twelve favorite characters in no particular order then answer the questions below.

1. Hermione Granger

2. Ron Weasley

3. Remus Lupin

4. Luna Lovegood

5. Harry Potter

6. Severus Snape

7. Draco Malfoy

8. James Potter

9. Sirius Black

10. Arthur Weasley

11. Neville Longbottom

12. Tom M. Riddle II

Questions:

1. Have you ever read a six/eleven fan fic before?

Uh. No. I go look now (yes I have a problem. Shut up).

2. Do you think four is hot? How hot?

Well, for starters, I’m a girl, a straight girl (though obviously I highly accept the alternative to straight). Secondly, I myself am far too much like Luna to ever find her attractive. She’s my soul sister.

3. What would happen if twelve got eight pregnant?

I’d read it. I’d be like, “wtf?”, but I’d read it.

4. Do you recall any fics about nine?

Uh, several. In most of them he’s fucking Remus. Check out A Brighter Dawn’s stuff, such as Streetlamps and Streetwalkers.

5. Would two and six make a good couple?

Um. No. They would not. (Goes and reads it)

6. Five/nine or five/ten?

Five/nine. I absolutely HATE that pairing but Harry and Arthur being shmoopy and holding hands would make even me vomit.

7. What would happen if seven walked in on two and twelve having sex?

“Master?! What the…Hey, nice arse, Weasley.” (glomps)

8. Make up a summary of a three/ten fan fic.

Damn. Bad place to put Arthur. Er… ‘Remus seems sad. Arthur, wanting to be kind to this friendly and strangely arousing man, invites him over for a cup of tea. The tea ends up on the floor, while the couple ends up on Ron’s bed.’ (Shudders slightly) Nothing like pairing the man you think of as a father with your imaginary husband. “Ew, dad, get off my man!”

9. Is there any such thing as one/eight fluff?

They might actually be good together. Hmm. Well, I dunno, because I can’t read anything with Hermione in it, or indeed het in general. Oh, what the hell. Anyone written this pairing? Send me your shit.

10. Suggest a title for a seven/twelve hurt/comfort fic.

Ooooh. Evil sex. ‘Tom walks in (where? I don’t know) to find Draco, crying bitterly. He feels a stab of some unnamable emotion deep in his damaged soul. Suddenly sorry for what he’s done, Tom tries to make up for all he’s done by…er…fucking Draco into the mattress.' :D What the hell, I tried.

11. What kind of plot would you use if you wanted four to de-flower one?

What, like Luna deciding Hermione is not happy enough and therefore needs to get a date? With Ron? I’m sorry, I can’t write yuri. Nothing against it, I just can’t.

12. Does anyone on your friends list read three het?

I dunno. I certainly don’t. (sniffs) Het…What is this world coming to? (says the straight girl)

13. Does anyone on your friends list write or draw eleven?

…No? Maybe. I don’t wanna look, really.

14. Would anyone on your friends list write two/four/five?

Oh, this’ll be fun…(scrolls up) Luna/Ron/Harry? That’d be hot. Well, if they won’t, I sure as hell will.

15. What might ten scream at a moment of great passion?

MOLLYWOBBLES! Either that or he would just list different sorts of plugs, alphabetically.

16. If you wrote a song fic about eight, which song would you choose?

James? Uh…Right Here Waiting by Ryan Csomething, I guess. Or some old sappy love song that he could belt out to her. In front of everyone. And then get hit.

17. If you wrote a one/six/twelve fic, what would the warning be?

Warning: HERE THERE BE MONSTERS. ALSO UNDERAGE SEX.

18. What would be a good pickup line for ten to use on two?

“So, son, I’ll pick you up from Quidditch at around eight?” xD

That was fun!

Love ya (no, I don't.)
Also, check out my favorited stories, 'kay? They rock hardcore.