Yays! I'm ungrounded now! Sort of...

Yoz! My name is Chris and I am a girl living in a bitty city. I like to write, and I love my family, and I'm a Lutheran-Christian. I love reading, mythology, good friends (girl or boy; a friend comes in every gender!), really, really cute guys (no, I'm not gay; I'm a girl) and really bad puns. I don't like racism/segregation, homophobia (however, I don't think people should choose to be in a relationship with the same sex; I just don't think we should be afraid of them or their choices), sexism, and sentences that don't make sense.

Good Friend vs. Real, True Friend

A good friend will comfort you if a guy breaks your heart. But a real, true friend, will go up to him and say "It's because your gay, isn't it?"

A good friend won't eat anything except what is offered to them at your house. But a real, true friend will add to the grocery list what they ate already.

A good friend is afraid to bring up politics with your parents for fear of offending them. But a real, true friend already knows all their good arguments.

A friend will bail you out of jail. But a real, true friend will be in your cell saying, "Damn, that was fun! Let's do it again!..."

A good friend will comfort you when he breaks up with you. But a real, true friend will call him, whispering "Seven days..."

A good friend helps you up when you fall. But a real, true continues walking while saying, "Walk much, dumbass?"

A good friend will let you tell them about your really bad day over the phone. But a real, true friend will be over in ten minutes with a chick flick and a gallon of ice cream.

A friend gives you their umbrella in the rain. But a real, true friend takes yours and says, "RUN, -BEEP- RUN!"

My Mother Taught Me...

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.

"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me RITE OF PASSAGE.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and they'll be just like you!"

YOU KNOW YOU'RE AN AUTHOR IF...

You talk to yourself a lot. (A lot meaning all the time...)

You talk to yourself about talking to yourself. (e.g. 'Why do I constantly ask my self random things?')

When you talk to yourself you often talk to yourself like you're talking to someone else. (e.g. 'Have you ever noticed that deliver could mean someone's liver?')

After uttering a profound piece of wisdom like that above, you stare at the cookie in your hand with awe and say, "Wow,this stuff is great for sugar highs...'

You live off of sugar and caffeine (the two greatest things ever discovered!)

You'll check your e-mail every day of the week and then disappear off the face of the earth.

You're e-mails tend to be pages long and incredibly random.

When replying to an e-mail, you'll never actually address the point of it.

You tend to collect Bic Stics off the ground like picking pennies off the ground.

No matter where you are in a room you never have to get up to find a pen/pencil and paper.

The letters on your keyboard are wearing off.

Your friends and family think that you have carpal tunnel syndrome.

People think you have A.D.H.D.

You think it'd be cool to have A.D.H.D.

You constantly start talking in third person, present or past tense.

You start thinking about making lists like this and start giggling for no "apparent" reason

Your friends stopped looking at you funny when you laugh for no apparent reason a loooooong time ago.

And FINALLY, the one way to tell if you're a good writer: You failed English 101.

(copy that into you're profile if you fit one or more of the descriptions)

Girls
are like
apples on trees.
The best ones are
at the top of the tree.The
boys don't want to reach
for the good ones because they
are afraid of falling and getting hurt.
Instead, they just get the rotten apples
from the ground that aren't as good,
but easy.So the apples at the top think
something is wrong with them, when in
reality they are amazing. They just
have to wait for the right boy to
come along, the one who's
brave enough to
climb all
the way
to the top
of the tree.

Deepness On Twilight

I’ve developed a weird habit of biting people.

I keep trying to kidnap Jasper, but Alice is always at his window with a bat. How does she kn…ohhh, right!

All I want is a gorgeous, immortal, cold, silver Volvo owner that sparkles in the sunlight and bites me…is that too much to ask for?

Blondes may have more fun, but Edward prefers brunettes! Ha! Go brunettes!

Changed my name to Bella, moved to Forks, acted like a danger magnet…So where’s my Edward?

Twilight Warning: This book may severe daydreaming, insanely high expectations for boyfriends, overactive imagination, drooling, and the belief that Edward Cullen is NOT fictional.

I have been diagnosed with OCD: Obsessive Cullen Disorder.

Before Bella Swan moved here, we all thought he was gay.

You haven’t read Twilight? Go shoot yourself in the foot!

I poured glitter on my boyfriend so that he’d be just like Edward.

Like you don’t gasp every time you see a silver Volvo.

Screw being a princess, I want to be a vampire!

Every time a guy ignores me, I know it’s just because he’s a vampire in love with me, and he is too polite to drink my blood.

I jumped in front of a moving van to see if Edward would save me. And it hurt...

Lessons Learned in Twilight:

1. You can enjoy the banquet while resisting the wine.
2. The future is not set in stone.
3. Men are crabby when they're hungry.
4. Nothing beats an irritable grizzly bear.
5. True love knows no boundaries.
6. Some people are just danger magnets.
7. Even eternal enemies can work together to save something they love.
8. Forget the fangs - real vampires sparkle!
9. Soul mates exist, even if it takes 100 years to find them.
10. Porshe 911 Turbos make really great bribes.
11. Friendship is like the sun on a cloudy day.
12. Snow just means it's too cold for rain.
13. Family is about more than just blood.
14. What's worth doing is worth over-doing.
15. Losing your temper can be hair-raising.
16. "Vegetarian" has many meanings.
17. Even monsters can hold on to their humanity.
18. There are exceptions to every rule.
19. Always verify bad news before doing something stupid.
20. Hearing voices in your head doesn't necessarily mean you're crazy.
21. Love means being willing to sacrifice your happiness for anothers.
22. Cold hands = Warm heart.
23. Not breathing is uncomfortable.
24. Stupid lambs and masochistic lions make quite a pair.
25. Romeo was an idiot.
26. Twilight is the saddest and safest time of day.
27. Extreme sports should not be attempted alone.
28. Life is worth very little without someone to share it with.
29. Space heaters can be very annoying.
30. Love can make even the most miserable places paradise.

For me, crazy is a loose term. Crazy is when you stare at a pencil and laugh when someone asks you what you are doing that is so interesting about the eraser. Crazy is when you have an hour-long sob fest, and then start singing and dancing when your favorite song comes on. Crazy is when you do or say a completely random thing, like "Do you ever wonder where the eraser bits go?" or having a thumbwar with yourself. Crazy is when you type up all your favorite sayings, print them off and tape them to your wall, just for something to do. Crazy is when you memorize the complete biographies and physical traits of every character in Twilight (or almost, at least). Crazy is when you write Emmett or Edward Cullen is hot on your homework instead of doing it. Crazy is when you act completely, well, crazy and make a total fool of yourself and not even care. Crazy is when you dedicate your entire being (every cell in your body) to Twilight and fanfiction. Crazy is when you go into build-a-bear workshop and walk up to little kids saying "That's my favorite bear" in a creepy voice and then run like heck when their soccer-moms glare at you. Crazy is when you get jacked up on sugar on your school fieldtrip to bush gardens, laugh for two hours straight WHILE riding rollercoasters, then still laugh after you get slapped by your friends, and they pour a cold water on you, and you just stop suddenly, and when they asked why you laughed you say " I felt like it." Crazy is when for some strange reason your wardrobe scares you so you have to army roll to your bed from your door. Crazy is hopping to class, and when asked why, you blame it on the bunnies. Even if there were no bunnies. Crazy is when you get into the wrong car when being picked up after school. Crazy is when every time your throat hurts, you hope you somehow turned into a vampire without knowing it. Crazy is when your friend goes up to a blonde, pale doctor, tells him she knows his secret, and you let yourself get dragged out by security with her, and are still her friend. Crazy is when you like to read stories that make your cry. If you're crazy, copy this onto your profile and add something crazy you've done to the list!

Ninety-five percent of the kids out there are concerned with being popular and fitting in. If you're part of the five percent who aren't, copy this, put it in your profile, and add your name to the list. AnimeKittyCafe, Hyperactivley Bored, Gem W, Bara-Minamino, Yavie Aelinel, Crazy Billie Joe Loving Freak, Shadow929,SweetNCrazieSugarmuffin,The Komodo Dragon Phoenix,Bust_A_Groover, Tecna, Triggonseed, The Only Innocent Writer Here-Yumi, EstellaB, NarnianMelody, Just A Little Bit Dramatic, Vampiress19, I'veComeToTakeYourCheese,Vampire Scooby, alannaswarrior, random.clumsy.vampire., chrissyissy

If you've been on the computer for hours on end, reading numerous fanfictions, copy this onto your profile, and add your name to this list: danyan, Zutara Lover, Black'n'red'Butterfly, Enrica(real name)(i always change my penname)(tehehehe) I'veComeToTakeYourCheese, Vampire Scooby, alannaswarrior, random.clumsy.vampire, chrissyissy

93 percent of American teens would have a severe emotional breakdown if someone called them a freak. If you're a part of the 7 percent who would ask the person, "What was your first clue?", copy this into your profile and add your name to the list: Sunlit Goddess of the C.O.C.A., Moonlit Goddess of the C.O.C.A., Evil Genius of the COCA, Invader Miley Phantom, dAnnYsGiRl777, BloodySalvation, Lady Lost-A-Lot, bellabookworm9, Bella Masen Cullen, Vampire Scooby, alannaswarrior, random.clumsy.vampire., chrissyisssy

If you have ever forgotten your name while introducing yourself, copy this to your profile.

If you've ever had a mad laughing fit for no reason, copy and paste this into your profile.

If your like Sharpies, penguins, cookies, close friends, Yahoo!, and the internet, copy this to your profile.

If you and your friend break out into song in a public area put this on your profile

The color blue reminds me of chocolate and Edward Cullen. I like cheese. I have seen purple cows. If two gooses are geese, then why aren't two moose meese, or when two foots are feet, why aren't two footballs feetball? Milk tastes good. When I laugh, I sound like my gay uncle. People call me crazy, which I am, but I'm also random! If you're random and proud of it, copy and paste this in your profile (and add something random)

The white man said, "Colored people are not allowed here." The black man turned around and stood up. He then said: "Listen sir...when I was born I was BLACK, When I grew up I was BLACK, When I'm sick I'm BLACK, When I go in the sun I'm BLACK, When I'm cold I'm BLACK, When I die I'll be BLACK. But you sir, When you're born you're PINK, When you grow up you're WHITE, When you're sick, you're GREEN, When you go in the sun you turn RED, When you're cold you turn BLUE, And when you die you turn PURPLE. And you have the nerve to call me colored?" The black man then sat back down and the white man walked away... Post this on your profile if you hate racism.

I'm INTO THEATRE & ART, so I MUST be a homosexual.
I’m a VIRGIN, so I MUST be a prude
I'm BI, so I MUST think every girl I see is hot.
I'm a FEMALE GAMER, so I MUST be ugly or crazy.
I WEAR BLACK, so I MUST be a Goth.
I'm YOUNG, so I MUST be naïve
I'm SOUTHERN, so I MUST be white trash
I SPEAK MY MIND, so I MUST be a bitch.
I'm OVERWEIGHT, so I MUST have a problem with self control.
I’m WICCAN, so I MUST be a devil-worshipping baby killer.
I’m A GOOD LIAR, so I MUST be an actor/actress
I’m a BLACK BELT, so I MUST always want to kick someone’s ass
I’m a FEMALE BLACK BELT, so I MUST be a lesbian
I LIKE TO BE MYSELF, so I MUST be cocky and arrogant
I’m FRENCH, so I MUST be homosexual
I’m a BOHEMIAN, so I MUST be a lazy drug addict
I LOVE ANIMALS, so I MUST be a vegetarian
I’m a TREE-HUGGER, so I MUST be a drug addicted hippie
I’m INTO JIMI HENDRIX, so I MUST be on drugs
I’m a MUSICIAN, so I MUST not be doing anything with my life
I'm GAY, so I MUST have AIDS
I'm ASIAN, so I MUST love math
I'm BLACK, so I MUST be on welfare
I'm PUNK, so I MUST cut my wrists
I'm RICH, so I MUST be a conceited snob
I'm ARAB, so I MUST be a terrorist
I'm IRISH, so I MUST be a alcoholic
I'm BLOND, so I MUST be a stupid ditz
I'm a CHEERLEADER, so I MUST be a whore
I'm a JEW, so I MUST be greedy
I have A LOT OF GUY FRIENDS so I MUST be dating them all
I have GOOD GRADES, so I MUST be a nerd
I love 'Rent' so I MUST be an emo lesbian with AIDS

I'm a CHRISTIAN, so I MUST believe in heaven

I'm a CANADIAN, so I MUST live in an igloo

I'm a MENTALLY CHALLENGED, so I MUST be a retard

Stereotypes suck! Copy, paste & add.

Random Stuff For Laughs

Don't run in the school hall, gliding is more fun!

EMO=Extravagantly Made Origami

You laugh now because you're older than me by mere months, but when you're 30 and I'm still 29, who will be laughing then?

I live in a world full of bunnies and unicorns...but the bunnies are cutting themselves and the unicorns are acting all emo again

You say I'm not cool. But cool is another word for cold. If I'm not cold, I'm hot. I know I'm hot. Thanks for embracing it.

I was gifted, but the psychiatrist took away my powers.

You're intoxicated by my very presence

Ociffer, I swear to Drunk I'm not God!

Come to the dark side. We have COOKIES!

I make the cowardly lion look like the terminator.

Boys are like Slinkys; useless, but fun to watch fall down the stairs.

I ran with scissors, and lived!

Thanks Stephenie, now I will NEVER get a man.

"Wal-Mart, do they like, sell walls there?" - Paris Hilton

When it rains on my party, I bust out the slip n' slide.

I don't obsess! I think intensely.

It's all fun and games until the flying monkeys attack.

Smile first thing in the morning. Get it over with...

Don't worry. When you have kids of your own, you forgive your parents.

Don't worry about the world coming to an end today; it's already tomorrow in Australia.

Always forgive your enemies. Nothing annoys them more.

I intend to live forever. So far, so good...

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

Suicide is Man's way of telling God, "You can't fire me, I quit."

A day without sunshine is, like, night.

When life hands you a lemon, squirt life in the eye and run like hell.

My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.

Never knock on Death's door. Ring the doorbell and run away. He hates that.

Of course I'm talking to myself. Who else can I trust?

You think you're all that and a bag of chips. Well I'm all that and a bag of skittles. So taste my rainbow, bitch.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.

There are three kinds of people in the world; ones that can count and ones that can't.

I only have PMS on days that end in the letter "y".

I am on a quest to the deepest, darkest corners of my room in search of what some would call "a floor" - a long and difficult task awaits me. Wish me luck my friends for I may not return alive.

They say "Guns don't kill people, people kill people." Well I think the guns help. If you stood there and yelled BANG, I don't think you'd kill too many people.

Did you just call me a bitch? Because a bitch is a dog. Dogs bark. Bark is on trees. Trees are a part of nature. And nature is beautiful. I know I'm beautiful! Thanks for the complement.

Dear Heart, I met a boy today, prepare to shatter.

A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.

If you don’t get everything you want, think of the things you don’t get that you don’t want.

Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget to sing in the lifeboats.

My knight in shining armor turned out to be a loser in aluminum foil.

Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn.

Everything here is eatable. I'm eatable, but that, my children, is called cannibalism, and is frowned upon in most societies.

When you get caught looking at him, just remember, he was looking back.

I agree with the dictionary. Girls before guys, partying before studying, and friends before love.

I called your boyfriend gay, and he hit me with his purse.

In case you need further proof that the human race is doomed because of stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:

On a Myer hairdryer: "Do not use while sleeping".
(Darn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).
On a bag of Chips: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(The shoplifter special?)
On a bar of Palmolive soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap".
(And that would be how?)
On some frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost".
(But, it's just a suggestion).
On Nanna's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down".
(Well...duh, a bit late, huh!)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating".
(And you thought?...)
On packaging for a K-Mart iron: "Do not iron clothes on body".
(But wouldn't this save me more time?)
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication".
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5 year olds with head colds off those forklifts.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness".
(And...I'm taking this because?)
On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only".
(As opposed to...what?)
On a Japanese food processor:"Not to be used for the other use".
(Now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)
On Nobby's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts".
(Talk about a news flash!)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts".
(Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)
On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly". (Darn, there goes my Christmas plans!)
On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals".
(Was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

On Rock, Paper, Scissors

I understand that Scissors can beat Paper, and I get how Rock can beat Scissors, but there's no way Paper can beat Rock. Is Paper supposed to "magically wrap around" Rock leaving it immobile? If so, why can't paper do this to scissors? Screw scissors, why can't paper do this to people? Why aren't sheets of college ruled notebook paper constantly suffocating students as they attempt to take notes in class? I'll tell you why, because paper can't beat anybody! A rock would tear that stuff up in two seconds. When I play rock/ paper/ scissors, I always choose rock. Then when somebody claims to have beaten me with their paper I can punch them in the face with my already clenched fist and say, "Oh shoot, I'm sorry, I thought paper would protect you!"

Stop Child Abuse!

My name is Chris

I am three

My eyes are swollen

I can not see

I must be stupid

I must be bad,

What else could have made

My daddy so mad?

I wish i were better

I wish i weren't ugly

Then maybe my mommy

Would still hug me

I can't do a wrong

I can't speak at all

Or else i'm locked up

All day long

When i wake i'm all alone

The house is dark

My folks aren't home

When mommy does come

I'll try and be nice

So maybe i'll just get

One whipping tonight

I just heard a car

My daddy is back

From Charlie's bar

I hear him curse

My name is called

I press myself

Against the wall

I try to hide

From his evil eyes

I'm so afraid now

I'm starting to cry

He finds me weeping

Calls me ugly words

He says it's all my fault

That he suffers at work

He slaps and hits me

And yells at me more

I finally get free

And run to the door

He's already locked it

And i start to bawl

He takes and throws me

Against the hard wall

I fall to the floor

With my bones nearly broken

And my daddy continues

With more bad words spoken

"I'm sorry!" I scream

But it's too late now

His face is twisted

Into an unimaginable shape

The hurt and the pain

Again and again

Oh please god, have mercy!

Oh please let it end!

And he finally stops

And heads for the door

While i lay motionless

Sprawled on the floor

My name is Chris

I am three

Tonight my daddy

Murdered me

Students Who Were Lost

Momma...Johnny brought a gun to school,

He told his friends that it was cool,

And when he pulled the trigger back,

It shot with a great, huge crack.

Momma, I was a good girl, I did what I was told,

I went to school, I got straight A's, I even got the gold!

When I went to school that day,

I never said good-bye.

I'm sorry that I had to go, But Momma, please don't cry.

When Johnny shot the gun, he hit me and another,

And all because Johnny, got the gun from his brother.

Momma, please tell Daddy; That I love him very much,

And please tell Zack; my boyfriend; That it wasn't just a crush.

And tell my little sister; That she is the only one now,

And tell my dear sweet grandmother; I'll be waiting for her now

Momma, I'm not the first, I'm no better than the rest

Momma, tell my teachers; I won't show up for class,

Momma, why'd it have to be me? No one, though, deserves this.

When I heard that great, big crack, I ran as fast as I could

I wanted to go to college, I wanted to try things that were new

I guess I'm not going with Daddy, On that trip to the new zoo

I love you Momma, I always have, I know you know its true

I love you.

Okay. The world is out to get me and the universe is conspiring against my soul.

Glad we got that straightened out.

My day really sucked.

It started out pretty good. I mean, it's St. Patty's Day and I wore a lot of green and I turned in my work and all. But somehow, between fourth and fifth period, I lost my story notebook. And my notebook is really important to me; I carry it around all day, jotting down ideas and stuff. So I spend my fifth period crying and going to the Bookroom to see if anyone added to the Lost & Found. By sixth period, I've calmed down but I'm still pretty upset. So the bell rings and feeling a lot better, I wait for my friend Lauren. When she doesn't come I shrug and go to my locker. I go to the Bookroom, get depressed again, when my friend Rochelle finds me, asks me what's wrong, have I checked this and there, and being very helpful. When I told I've looked in all those places, she nods and goes outside to wait for the buses. I'm checking with my choir teacher (fourth period class) when Rochelle comes back, wide-eyed, and takes me outside. My notebook, my stories, are strewn around the ground, torn and stepped on. I take the biggest chunk of papers and start to bawl. I cry all the bus ride home, and even my grumpy bus driver, Gary, gets mad when he finds out someone did that to me. I don't get it. I'm mildly unimportant at school, noticed because of my odd outfits, and someone destructed my stories for no apparent reason. My mom thinks someone was jealous of my stories, but Middle Schoolers don't care about stories: only about candy, the opposite sex, and movies. So I'm at a loss. Can anyone explain...?

I, chrissyissy, do solemnly swear to review all the fanfics I read, regardless of the number of reviews, its age, or anything else.

I have joined the review revolution. Join and make an authors' day!

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