Truth is always stranger then fiction.

order is for the stupid true geniuses live in chaos.

This is not something to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown, with great force!

Those who live by the sword get shot by those that don't.

Never knock on Deaths door: ring the doorbell and run away! He really hates that!

When life gives you lemons, make grape juice. Then sit back and let the world wonder how you did it.

When life gives you lemons, give them back and DEMAND CHOCOLATE.

When life gives you lemons, give them back and demand cash.

Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons for you are crunchy and good with ketchup.

Suicide is a way of telling God, "YOU CAN'T FIRE ME,I QUIT!"

Death is a way of God telling you not to be a wise guy.

If at first you don't succeed, then destroy all evidence that you tried.

That which doesn't kill you...will probably try again.

Its tourist season, so why can't I shoot them?

If at first you do succeed, try not to look too astonished.

Whoever said nothing is impossible, never tried to slam a revolving door...

Evening news is where they tell you 'good evening' then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

Join the army, visit exotic places, meet strange people, then kill them.

When you’re right, no one remembers, when you’re wrong, no one forgets.

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist.

All those who believe in psycho kinesis raise my hand.

Don't take life too seriously. It isn’t permanent

I don’t play dumb, I always lose.

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

Don't steal. The government hates the competition.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

We have enough youth, how about a fountain of "smart."

I don't get even, I get odder.

I'm not broke I'm just having an out of money experience.

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once. Never opened. Small stain

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

You can't say that civilization doesn't advance, however, for in every war they kill you in a new way.

To some, death may be a blessing, to others, a vice. Me? I think death is a necessity.

There are a few ways to silence the screams. Bullets happen to be one of the more efficent methods.

Too often we lose sight of life's simple pleasures. Remember, when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles in your face to frown, BUT, it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and bitch-slap that mother@#?!&! upside the head. Pass it on.

10 Ways to Upset a Forensic Anthropologist

10. Put Caffeine pills in her coffee, or Red Bull if you’re really sadistic.

9. Post the video you have of her singing in the shower on YouTube.

8. Put itching powder in all of her undergarments.

7. Drop hints that Booth loves blonds.

6. Go on and on about how she and Booth make such a lovely couple.

5. When speaking to her make only pop culture references, and be sure not to explain any of them.

4. Play the chorus of “Doctor, Doctor” whenever she is with Booth.

3. Post the pictures you have of her sleeping with her Booth plushy on the internet.

2. Be sure to hide and mix up all the bones she is working on. Just don’t be in the vicinity when she discovers them missing.

1. Replace her gun with a starter pistol, or a water gun if you can run really fast. (Once again make sure not to be around when she finds out.)

10 ways to Annoy a Federal Agent ByInuGhost2.0

1.Mention how kickass Sully is compared to him. Extra points if his eye twitches.

2. Tell him how you honestly feel Bones can so kick his ass.

3. Ask him why everyone has a bigger gun then him.

4. Sign him up on Adult Friend Finder or other dating sites. Make sure to include his cell, home, and work numbers.

5. Screw up his hotel reservations so he is forced to share a bed with Bones.

6. Screw up his order at the diner, then blame it on his inability to give clear and precise orders.

7. Play “Another One Bites the Dust” whenever he injures or arrests a suspect.

8. Casually mention to Bones that Booth has a tattoo somewhere private. Make sure to fail to mention where.

9. Replace his laundry detergent with pink dye. Or some other girly color.

10. Force him to go shopping with Bones at Victoria Secret. Ensure Bones models multiple lingerie for him. (If he still doesn’t break down and take her right there, then resign in disgust till Plan C is formulated.)

Top 10 Ways to Upset a FBI Psychologist ByInuGhost2.0

10. Get him to try and predict the future like his mother can.

9. Send the tape of him singing to Simon Cowell.

8. Apply industrial adhesive to the seat of his chair.

7. Ask him embarrassing questions while using Booth and Bones as lie detectors.

6. Whenever he goes out to a bar or club be sure to mention aloud how good his fake ID is. Extra points if a bouncer is within earshot.

5. In the middle of one of his long lectures blurt out “Could you repeat that from the beginning. I wasn’t paying attention.”

4. Ask him if he even has to shave regularly for his job.

3. Set him up on a blind date with Angela.

2. Be sure to inform Angela’s father of the role Sweets’ played in her breakup with Hodgins. Hinting at how he should also be punished.

1. Card him.

Top 10 Ways to annoy a Bug, and Slime Guy ByInuGhost2.0

10. Call him Hodgkins.

9. Jokingly tell him that Angela’s father is waiting out back for him with a shotgun. (Extra points if you know what a shotgun wedding is)

8. Ask him if he keeps the beard in the hope some fangirls will mistake him for Hugh Jackman.

7. Shave his beard.

6. Argue with him about why his conspiracy theories are completely irrational.

5. No matter where he goes when he gets there declare him ‘King of the…’

4. Handcuff him to Booth for a day.

3. Stomp some bugs when he’s around and when he asks what your doing say “I’m sorry was that your aunt? Guess that’s your uncle then.” Before squashing another bug. (Extra points if you know what movie this is from.)

2. Talk about how big of a security threat Zach turned out to be and how it’s a good thing no one else at the Jeffersonian is that dangerous.

1. Place his photo and information in the newspaper as ‘D.C.’s most eligible bachelor’ be sure to include him being the sole heir to the Cantilever Group.

10 signs of the apocalypse using ‘BONES’ (or 10 Things were never going to see happen)ByInuGhost2.0

10. Bones makes several correct pop culture references and fully understands them.

9. Booth gives Brennan an FBI issued gun.

8. Hodgins rejects any and all conspiracy theories.

7. Sweets’ saves Booth’s life.

6. Bones rejects her logic and knowledge in favor of faith.

5. Sweets gives up on his sessions with Booth and Brennan.

4. Cam allows Hodgins to perform any experiments he wants…without supervision.

3. Bones gets into a tough situation gives up and awaits Booth to come rescue her.

2. During an argument Bones says “I give up Booth. You win.”

1. Bones/Booth chooses to marry someone other than Booth/Bones.

female come backs
pick up line comebacks, add to it

Man: Where have you been all my life?
Woman: Hiding from you.

Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.

Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.

Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.

Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?

Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

Man: If I could rearrange the alphabet I'd put u and i together
Woman: Really, I'd put f and u together

Man: Your eyes they're amazing.
Woman: Seeing your back would be pretty amazing

Remember when life was so innocent?
Your close friend becomes your worst enemy.
Lollipops turn into cigarettes.
The innocent ones turn into sluts.
Homework goes in the trash.
Mobile phones are being used in class.
Detention becomes suspension.
Soda becomes vodka.
Remember when getting high meant swinging on the playground?
When protection meant wearing a helmet?
The only drug you knew was cough medicine.
Wearing a skirt didnt make you a slut.
The only things that hurt you were skinned knees?
Goodbyes only meant until tomorrow?
We all couldnt wait to grow up?

A father passing by his son's bedroom, was astonished to see that the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Dad.'
With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.

'Dear, Dad.
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing to you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you.

I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercings, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.

But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant.
Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a caravan in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself.
Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren.

Love,
Your son, Joshua.

P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house.
I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table.

Call when it is safe for me to come home...

Copy and Paste this into profile if this touches you as it did me...

My name is Sarah, I am but three,

My eyes are swollen I cannot see,

I must be stupid I must be bad,

What else could have made

My daddy so mad?

I wish I were better, I wish I weren't ugly,

Then maybe my mommy,

Would still want to hug me,

I can't speak at all, I can't do a wrong

Or else I'm locked up,

All the day long,

When I awake I'm all alone,

The house is dark,

My folks aren't home. When my mommy does come

I'll try and be nice,

So maybe I'll get

just one whipping tonight.

Don't make a sound!

I just heard a car

My daddy is back

From Charlie's Bar.

I hear him curse

My name he calls

I press myself

Against the wall. I try and hide

From his evil eyes

I'm so afraid now I'm starting to cry.

He finds me weeping

He shouts ugly words,

He says its my fault

That he suffers at work.

He slaps me, and hits me

And yells at me more,

I finally get free

And I run for the door.

He's already locked it

And I'm starting to bawl,

He takes me and throws me

Against the hard wall.

I fall to the floor

With my bones nearly broken,

And my daddy continues

With more bad words spoken.

"I'm sorry!", I scream,

But its now much too late,

His face has been twisted

Into unimaginable hate.

The hurt and the pain

Again and again

Oh please God, have mercy!

Oh please let it end!

And he finally stops

And heads for the door,

While I lay there motionless

Sprawled on the floor.

My name is Sarah, and I am but three,

Tonight my daddy

Murdered me.

Help stop child abuse! Copy and paste this into your profile. I know it can't help much... but... Child abuse is a horrible thing! Some thing no child, especially all the completely innocent ones who go through it, Every. Single. Day. should have to go through. And all that we can do to help is worth gold. So help, please? Copy and paste this into your profile and add your name to the list- Fuzz12345... katlynn888...TVCrazed...Truly Charmed 1995...jaz-lil-bai... to HELP STOP THE ABUSE:(

Weird is good, strange is bad, and odd is when you don't know what to call someone. Weird is the same as different which is the same as unique, so weird is good. If you are weird and proud of it copy and paste this into your profile.

If you have ever cried when your favorite character in a movie, T.V show, or book died, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you've ever copied and pasted something onto your profile, copy and paste this onto your profile.

If you've ever walked into a doorway that you could've clearly dodged, you just weren't paying close enough attention, copy and paste this on your profile..

If, for any particular reason, you have laughed during a movie that wasn't funny, put this in your profile.

If you ever forgotten what you were talking about in a conversation copy and paste this into your profile.

If you've ever gotten annoyed with all of these 'copy and paste this into your profile' sayings, copy and paste this into your profile.

Ninety-eight percent of teenagers have tried smoking pot. If you're one of the ninety-eight percent who has, copy this and paste it in your profile.

If you have embarrassing memories that make you want to smack yourself/ someone else, copy this into your profile.

If you've ever asked a really stupid, obvious question, copy and paste this one your profile.

This is Bunny. Copy and paste this bunny into your profile to help him gain world domination.

If you've ever tripped over your own feet, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you've ever pushed on a door marked pull or vice versa, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you've ever had a mad laughing fit for no reason, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you are against fur coats, clothing, boots, etc, and the people who kill the animals but don't use the meat, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you ever forgot your name, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you have ever tripped down the stairs copy and paste this into your profile.

If you enjoy copying and pasting these copy and paste thingys, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you've read people's profiles looking for things to copy and paste into your profile, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you have ever been so obsessed with something that now everyone is scared of you because of it's effects, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you've ever been standing straight up and suddenly fell down for no apparent reason, copy and paste this into your profile.

Your color is BLACK - The most obvious aspect of the colour black is the absence of light. Black, the colour of the shroud, has traditionally been associated with death and bereavement. Since black absorbs a lot of energy too much of proximity to black can drain a person of his/her vitality. Black inevitably invokes the dark desires that lurk beneath the surface prompting people to commit the worst crimes

IF YOU HATE JACOB BLACK AND THINK HE SHOULD DIE, PUT THIS IN YOURS!!

I RUN WITH THE CULLENS, SO THEREFORE I RUN WITH VAMPIRES!!:)

I like my men pale, immortal and bloodthirsty!! (Hell yeah!)

If you haven't died yet, copy and paste this onto your profile.

If you look around and ask: "Where?", when someone says 'Edward', copy and paste this into your profile.

If you throw a fit when someone says the Twilight characters aren't real, copy this into your profile.

If you've ever spent numerous hours looking for stuff that remind you of any of the Cullens/Swans, copy and and paste this into your profile

If you spend multiple hours each day reading or writing or a combination of both...copy and paste this on your profile.

If whenever you see or hear the name "Edward" you freak out and have a small fit because you love him so much, and then people stare at you, copy and paste this into your profile

If you plan to name your kids Alice, Jasper, Edward, Bella, Rosalie, or Emmett copy and paste this into your profile.

If when you have a girl, you'd consider naming her Isabella, copy this into your profile.

If when you have a boy, you'd consider naming them Edward or Anthony, copy this into your profile!

If you have AACIBD put this in your profile! (Addicted to All the Cullen's Including Bella Disorder!)

If you've been on the computer for hours on end, reading numerous fanfictions, copy this onto your profile, and add your name to this list: danyan, Zutara Lover, Black'n'red'Butterfly, Enrica, I'veComeToTakeYourCheese, Vampire Scooby, Alannaswarrior, Bookworm-Booklover, Jasper's Fangirl, vampirechick123, Topaz Eyes Sing My Lullaby, Vampires-Rock4eva, Sparkles_In_Bamboo27, future-shiny-volvo-owner,jaz-lil-bai

If you have ever had a crush on a fictional character, copy and paste this on your profile and add your penname and the name(s) of the characters you have crushed on: HollyluvsArty (James Potter, Sirius Black (when he was young), Artemis Fowl) comix-freak (Artemis Fowl (and Arty is my one and only!))scarilyobsessed(Fang, from maximum ride),TwilightNatalia(I had a crush on Ed from Fullmetal Alchemist for like 3 days then I got over it, if that counts), vampirechick321 (Edwrad cullen...even though he is real)Topaz Eyes Sing My Lullaby (Edward Cullen, of course), Vampires-Rock4eva (Edward Cullen who else you dunce?), Sparkles_In_Bamboo27(Edward Cullen, but then he got married, Jacob Black, I could beat Renesemee out anyday!), future-shiny-volvo-owner (Jasper hale, Harry Potter, Sirius Black-only the teen version, L & Matt from Deathnote, Alex Rider, Luke Skywalker), jaz-lil-bai (anakin skywalker in ROTS, edward cullen, emmett cullen and angel)

If you are so obsessed with Twilight that it is NOT even funny anymore, copy this into your profile

If you're one of those people who get excited when you see just two reviews, paste this into your profile.

If you've ever forgotten how old you are when someone asked you, copy and paste this onto your profile.

If you think that only losers hate/don't get Twilight, copy this into your profile.

If you've ever talked to yourself, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you are a person who acts friendly but has an evil mind and is secretly plotting world domination, copy and paste this into your profile.

There's nothing wrong with arguing with yourself. It's when you argue with yourself and LOSE that it's weird. If you agree, copy this and put it in your profile.

If you have ever been so obsessed with something that now everyone is scared of you because of its effects copy this into your profile.

If you frequently have conversations with yourself and/or fictional characters from your favorite books, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you love the rain, copy and past this onto your profile.

If you ever read past two in the morning, copy and paste this to your profile.

If you easily finish one novel a day, copy this onto your profile.

If you hear voices of the characters in your head, copy and paste this on your profile.

If you've ever been standing straight up and suddenly fell down for no apparent reason, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you have ever seen a movie (or show) so many times that you can quote it word for word. And you do at random moments; copy and paste this in you're profile.

If there are times where you just wanna annoy someone for the heck of it copy this into your profile

If you are insane and proud of it, copy this into your profile.

If you're hyper, like being hyper, and are hyper all the time, copy this into your profile

If you've ever spelled your name wrong, copy and paste this into your profile

If you're happy and you know it clap your hands...and then copy and paste this into your profile.

If you have ever fallen off a chair backwards, copy this into your profile

If you ever felt like just running somewhere, copy this into your profile.

If you have ever stabbed yourself or someone else with a pencil. Copy and paste this in your profile.

Put this in your profile if you didn't know the Alphabet Song and Twinkle Twinkle Little Star had the same tune.

If you think that being unique is cooler than being cool, copy this on your profile.

If you like filling your profile with 'copy this into your profile' thingys, then copy and paste this into your profile.

If you are mad that they have not discovered Tattoine, Naboo, Coroscant, and Kashykk, and all the other star systems out there, copy and paste this to your profile.

If you think air is a solid because you continously trip over it, copy and paste this into your profile.

My best friend is insane! If you agree, or if you have an insane friend, then copy this to your profile.

If you think brunette moments can be worse then blond. Copy and paste this on your profile.

If you know someone, or several people, who should be run over by a bus, copy this to your profile.

Some people are like slinkies, good for nothing, but they make you smile when you push them down a flight or stairs.

I did not hit you, I just high-fived your face.

Whoever said "Nothing's impossible" never tried slamming a revolving door.

Having the love of your life say "We can still be friends" is like having your dog die, and your mom say you can still keep it.

I called your boyfriend gay, and he hit me with his purse.

I'm not clumsy! The floor just hates me.

I'm so gangsta, I carry a squirt gun.

Anyone can reach the stars. If you can't reach them, catch one that falls.

The dinosaur's extinction wasn't an accident. Barney came and they all committed suicide.

Slinky + Escalator = Endless fun

Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us how to walk and talk, then the rest of our lives telling us to sit down and shut up.

The light you see at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of a fast approaching train.

If you absolutely hate Darth Vader but love Anakin Skywaler, copy and paste this into your profile

The white man said, "Colored people are not allowed here." The black man turned around and stood up. He then said: "Listen sir...when I was born I was BLACK, When I grew up I was BLACK, When I'm sick I'm BLACK, When I go in the sun I'm BLACK, When I'm cold I'm BLACK, When I die I'll be BLACK. But you sir, When you're born you're PINK, When you grow up you're WHITE, When you're sick, you're GREEN, When you go in the sun you turn RED, When you're cold you turn BLUE, And when you die you turn PURPLE. And you have the nerve to call me colored?" The black man then sat back down and the white man walked away...
Post this on your profile if you hate racism (oooooooooh BURN)(Yea, it is!)

A good or best friend!

A good friend will comfort you when he rejects you. A best friend will go up and ask him, "It's because you're gay, isn't it?"
A good friend will be there for you when he breaks up with you. A best friend will call him up and whisper, "Seven days..."
A good friend helps you up when you fall. A best friend keeps on walking saying, "Walk much, dumb ass?"
A good friend helps you find your prince. A best friend kidnaps him and brings him to you.
A good friend will ask you if you're okay when you're crying. A best friend will laugh at you and say, "Ha Ha, Loser!"
A good friend will offer you a soda. A best friend will dump theirs on you.
A good friend will sit at the side of the pool with you at that time of the month. A best friend will throw you a tampon and push you in.
A good friend gives you their umbrella in the rain. A best friend takes yours and says, "Run - Bitch - Run!"
A good friend will help you move. A best friend will help you move the bodies.
A good friend will bail you out of jail. A best friend would be in the room next to you saying, "That was fucking awesome! Let's do it again!"
A good friend has never seen you cry. A best friend won't tell anyone else that you cried...just laugh about it in private with you when you aren't down anymore.
A good friend asks you to write down your number. A best friend has you on speed dial.

15 Things to do when you're in Walmart!

1. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

2. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.

3. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone,
" 'Code 3' in housewares"... and see what happens.

4. Go the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.

5. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

6. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.

7. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask,
"Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

8. Look right into the security camera & use it as a mirror, and pick your nose.

9. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti - depressants are.

10. Dart around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

11. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look"

12. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through,
say "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

13. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream..
"NO! NO! It's those voices again!"

14. Go into a fitting room and shut the door and wait a while and then yell, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!

15.Grap alot of bouncy balls and throw them down the aisle, shouting "Go, Pikachu, Go"

FAKE ASS FRIENDS: Never ask for food.
REAL FRIENDS: Are the reason you have no food.

FAKE ASS FRIENDS: Call your parents Mr/Mrs.
REAL FRIENDS: Call your parents DAD/MOM.

FAKE ASS FRIENDS: Bail you out of jail and tell you what you did was wrong.
REAL FRIENDS: Will sit next to you saying “Damn … we fucked up … but that shit was fun!”

FAKE ASS FRIENDS: Never seen you cry.
REAL FRIENDS: Cry with you.

FAKE ASS FRIENDS: Borrow your stuff for a few days then give it back.
REAL FRIENDS: Keep your shit so long they forget its yours.

FAKE ASS FRIENDS: Know a few things about you.
REAL FRIENDS: Can write a book about you, with direct quotes from you.

FAKE ASS FRIENDS: Will leave you behind if that is what the crowd is doing.
REAL FRIENDS: Will kick the whole crowds ass that left you.

FAKE ASS FRIENDS: Will knock on your front door.
REAL FRIENDS: Walk right in and say “I’M HOME!”

FAKE ASS FRIENDS: Are for awhile.
REAL FRIENDS: Are for life.

FAKE ASS FRIENDS: Will take your drink away when they think you’ve had enough.
REAL FRIENDS: Will look at you stumbling all over the place and say “Bitch, drink the rest of that, you know we don’t waste.”

FAKE ASS FRIENDS: Will talk shit to the person who talks shit about you.
REAL FRIENDS: Will knock them the fuck out!

FAKE ASS FRIENDS: Say they are too busy to listen to your problems, but when it comes to them they expect you to have all the time in the world.
REAL FRIENDS: Not only kick everything out of their schedule to listen to whats wrong, but help come up with vindictive plans to make you feel a whole lot better!

FAKE ASS FRIENDS: Say sorry when you want to talk to them at odd hours of the night, or even just hang out at odd hours.
REAL FRIENDS: Come right over and hang out with you, until you either fall asleep, or kick them out.

FAKE ASS FRIENDS: Will ignore this
REAL FRIENDS: Will repost it

EVER WONDER

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes?Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff??

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal? --

Proof of human stupidity

1. Only in America...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

2. Only in America...are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

3. Only in America...do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

4. Only in America...do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

5. Only in America...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters. 6. Only in America...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

7. Only in America...do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

8. Only in America...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

9. Only in America...do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures' .

10. Only in America...do they have drive-up ATM's with Braille lettering.

11.Only in America...Will you go to a restaurant at SeaWorld and ask for band aids and get mayonnaise