Hola! BVE here! :)

Gender: Chicken wing

Blood type: Lemonade

Age: So old that back in my day, Pluto was a planet!

Born: In a pickle tree

Current Status: Love is only a dirty trick played on us to achieve continuation of the species - W. Somerset Maugham

Likes: Black (color, and people too), Puerto ricans (ahem, don't ask. Even I wish I didn't know), ii love you- (although she changes her name alot so I'm not sure if I'm using the correct name), Severus Snape (-shivers-), manga, fabric softener (come on, is there any down side to it?), using Google to find answers, vampires, that new car smell (duh!), saying things with funny accents, mispronouncing things to make people angry (a specialty of mine), my bestest friends (nah, really?), being sarcastic (can you tell?), water, food, air, sunshine, that sort of thing...

Dislikes: Pink, blue cheese, asking random questions (if a tree falls in the woods and no one is around to see it, does it make a sound?), spiders, bad smelling shampoo (who doesn't hate it?), when people meticulously correct my grammer (I mean come on! As long as you understand me who gives a flying flip?!), guys (they piss me off in general, but don't worry guys, I can't live without yall unfortunately), the smell of bleach, people who can't take a joke, whiney people (sorry, but I can be pretty harsh and life is cruel), acne (-sigh-), and horny cactuses (DANGEROUS!)

The rest of my profile is just random funny things I decided to post on here for my own amusement. Feel free to laugh at them as well, or just skip ahead to my stories, favorite authors, and favorite stories. :P

~Insanity is a tool; use it well

~How to keep a Healthy Level of Insanity:

1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars.

2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "in"

5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

6. Finish all your sentences with "in accordance to the prophecy."

7. Dont use any punctuation marks

8. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

9. Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.

10. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".

11. Sing along at the opera.

12. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

13. Put mosquito netting around your work area. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.

14. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.

15. Have your coworkers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard Kim.

16. When the money comes out the ATM, scream "I won!, I won! 3rd time this week!!"

17. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling "Run for your lives, they're loose!!"

18. Tell your children over dinner. "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go..."

~Some examples of why the human race has probably evolved as far as possible. These are actual instruction labels on consumer goods...

On Sears hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping.
(Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)

On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(The shoplifter special!)

On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
(And that would be how?)

On some Swann frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
(But it's 'just' a suggestion!)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box)
Do not turn upside down.
(Too late! You lose!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.
(Are you sure? Let's experiment.)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.
(But wouldn't that save more time? Whose body?)

On Boot's Children's cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
(We could do a lot to reduce the construction accidents, if we just kept those 5 year olds off those fork lifts after using this product.)

On Nytol sleep aid:
Warning: May cause drowsiness.
(One would hope!)

On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning: Keep out of children.
(hmm..something must have gotten lost in the translation...)

On a string of Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
(As opposed to use in outer space.)

On a food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.
(Now I'm curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts:
Warning: Contains nuts.
(But no peas?)

On an Amerian Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts.
(Somebody got paid big bucks to write this one...)

On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
(Raise your hand if you've tried this.)

On a child's Superman costume:
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
(Oh go ahead! That's right, destroy a universal childhood belief.)

~ThInGs To PoNdEr:

What happens if you get scared half to death... twice?
You laugh at me because I'm diferent and I laugh at you because you're all the same.
Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance that little indestructible black box is?
Can fat people go skinny-dipping?
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
So what's the speed of dark?
How come abbreviated is such a long word?
Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a Train stops On my desk, I have a work station..
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
Should women put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans?
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do . . . write to these men?
How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there?
If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water?
Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
Why can't you find fresh sardines in the fish market?
Why do so many old people eat at cafeterias?
Why does an "X" stand for a kiss?
Why does the word "Filipino" start with the letter F ?
Why are the copyright dates on movies and television shows written in Roman numbers?

Flying is simple. Just throw yourself at the ground and miss.

Don’t knock on death’s door. Ring the bell and run. He hates that.

One out of four people is insane. Look at three of your friends. If it's not them, it's you!

One day we will look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.

Life is like a pack of gum . . . I've yet to figure out why.

Be insane . . . because well behaved girls never made history.

If your name is Mr.Crunch, and you joined the Navy, would you eventually be Captain Crunch?

It’s always the last place you look. Of course it is why would I keep looking after I’ve found it?

If everyone lost five pounds at the same time, would it throw the Earth out of its orbit?

I understand that Scissors can beat Paper, and I get how Rock can beat Scissors, but there's no way Paper can beat Rock. Is Paper supposed to magically wrap around Rock leaving it immobile? If so, why can't paper do this to scissors? Screw scissors, why can't paper do this to people? Why aren't sheets of college ruled notebook paper constantly suffocating students as they attempt to take notes in class? I'll tell you why, because paper can't beat anybody, a rock would tear that stuff up in two seconds. That's why when I play rock/ paper/ scissors, I always choose rock. Then when somebody claims to have beaten me with their paper I can punch them in the face with my ready made fist and say, "Oh, I'm sorry, I thought paper would protect you".

If you have embarrassing memories that make you want to smack yourself/someone else, copy this into your profile.

If you've ever talked to yourself, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you have ever zoned out for more than five consecutive minutes, copy this into your profile.

If you realize that copying and pasting things into your profile is pointless, yet you do it anyways, copy and paste this into your profile

If you have ever just wanted to SLAP someone, copy this onto your profile.

If you have ever tripped up the stairs, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you find the idea of getting out of bed early about as appealing as scratching out your own eyeballs, please copy and paste this into your profile.

If you come up with some strange lines that make your friends laugh (or stare at you, causing an awkward silence) paste this into your profile.

If you ever feel the need to kick your feet up on the desk and rest your hands behind your head in class, paste this into your profile.

If you and your friends have nicknames, titles, or anything else for each other copy this to your profile.

If you DON'T check under the bed for monsters, but you DO check behind the shower curtain for monsters/murderers/Michael Jackson, copy this into your profile.

Pluto was declared no longer a planet on August 27, 2006, because it was "too small" and "off its orbit" for some scientists' likings. If you think Pluto should still be a planet, copy and paste this to your profile.

Did you know the average American only reads 3 books a year? If you don't believe that it's even possible to read that little, copy and paste this onto your profile.

If you think you have too many of these "copy and paste this into your profile" thingies, but have no intention of stopping now, copy and paste this into your profile.

Weird is good, strange is bad, and odd is when you don't know which to call someone. Weird is the same as different, which is the same as unique, than weird is good. If you are totally confused right now copy this onto your profile.

If you get good grades and still know nothing at all, copy and paste this onto your profile.

If you get horrible grades but are still the smartest person in the world, copy this to your profile.

If you've ever copied and pasted something onto your profile, copy and paste this onto your profile.

If you've ever asked a really stupid, obvious question, copy and paste this onto your profile.

If you have ever cried when your favorite character in a movie, T.V show, or book died, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you have ever walked into a room then forgot what you were doing, then started walking away and remembered copy this into your profile.

If you have ever seen a movie/show so many times that you can quote it word for word, and you do so at random moments, copy and paste this in your profile.

If you have ever heard of National Talk like a Pirate Day copy and paste this onto your profile. (Well I have now!)

If there are times where you just wanna annoy someone for the heck of it, copy this into your profile.

If you haven't died yet, copy and paste this onto your profile.