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| Twilarose |
Author has written 11 stories for Redwall, Warriors, Oedipus the King, Pokémon, and StarTrek: Deep Space Nine. Okay, so I realized that if I printed out my profile, it would be over 50 pages. I don't know weather to be proud or ashamed. Go like my Facebook page! You'll get an inside view on my writing process and behind the scenes info about my stories. (\ _ /) This is Bunny. Copy Bunny into your profile to help him on his way to world domination 95% of teens would be crying if Justin Bieber was on a 100 ft tall building about to jump. If you are some of the 5% who brought popcorn and friends, add this to your signature. REMEMBER WHEN .. Put This In Your Profile If You're Still 5 Inside...No Matter How Old You Are Now! IMPORTANT: EVERYONE GO AND SIGN THIS; http://www.fanfiction.net/topic/2872/6030605/1/ After the recent rash of obscene reviews, someone started a petition asking the mods for the ability to delete signed reviews. I feel this is an important issue here, and support it wholeheartedly. I'd appreciate it if everyone could take the time to at least read the petition, sign it if you agree, and preferably link to it in your own bios and such so we get as many signatures as possible. Thanks for taking notice. Brian Jacques, author of the Redwall series, died February 5, 2011 at age 71. His final book, The Rogue Crew, will be released May 3, 2011. He was my favorite author and my role model in the world of writing. Please, keep his family in your thoughts and prayers, and for all who loved his books like I do, never forget him. If you are here then you must care about my pathetic life. SO PAY ATTENTION TO THE FOLLOWING!! Name: Danielle Nicknames: Ellie and Daniela. I've also been called a homicidal maniac, but hey, you are what you are. Gender: Kinda common sense there Age: Why do you care? Current Location: A mental hospital in Baltimore Best Friends: Bob the Dust Bunny and Santa Claus Type of Shampoo: None. Why? Blood Type: JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!! Warrior Name and Clan: Darkheart of ShadowClan/ThunderClan (Read Darkheart's Journey to learn more!) Hobbies: Reading, acting, singing, and scaring random people Fav Colors: Orange, Green, Blue, Yellow, and Red Pets: Two beautiful cats named Hazel and Alice. Hazel is a white Turkish Van with brown spots. Alice is a brown tabby with a white belly and legs. We also rescued a Russian Blue named Smokey recently. Fav Game: Life (not the board game) Fav Bands: Nickelback, Daughtry, and Big Time Rush Fav Books: Graceling, Fire, Harry Potter series, The Sisters Grimm series, Alpha series, Redwall series, Warriors series, Steve and Me, Percy Jackson and the Olympians series, Twilight series Fav Shows: Human Target, River Monsters, Project Runway, On The Road With Austin and Santino, Modern Family, My Wife and Kids, Wolverine and the X-Men, Big Time Rush, Star Wars: The Clone Wars, Clean House, The Crocodile Hunter, Life, Avatar: The Last Airbender, Invader Zim Fav Movies: Letters to Juliet, Pirates of the Caribbean Trilogy, X-Men Trilogy, X-Men Origins: Wolverine, Iron Man, Star Wars: The Phantom Menace, The Princess Bride, The Twilight Saga: Eclipse, The Day After Tomorrow, 2012, Star Trek, Julie and Julia Fav Characters: Logan/Wolverine, Kurt Wagner/Nightcrawler, Pietro Maximoff/Quicksilver, Percy Jackson, Tyson, Grover, Dionysus, Basil Stag Hare, Matthias, Cregga, Deyna, The Mask, Folgrim, Sunflash the Mace, Brambleclaw, Squirrelflight, Whitestorm, Yellowfang, Emmett, Jasper, Sabrina, Puck, Uncle Jake, Daphne Hated Characters: Jean Grey/Phoenix, Rachel Summers-Grey/Marvel Girl, Scott Summers/Cyclops, Annabeth Chase, Juniper, Abbott Mortimer, Millie, Bella, Edward, Martin the Warrior, Timballisto Type your name: Twilarose type with your eyes closed: yeislxgodf (wow i was off) type with nose: TBA type with mouth: TBA type with toe: TBA type with elbow: rtf5qwikklasgvvfbided Fav Quotes: Embrace the randomness or you will never taste the rainbow. - Me! If I can't be accepted, I'll just settle for being ignored. - Calvin, Calvin and Hobbes Duct tape is like The Force: it has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together. -Anonymous If at first you succeed - try to hide your astonishment. - Harry F. Banks One thing about the speed of light - it gets here too early in the morning. - Anonymous Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to? - Anonymous When you come to a fork in the road, take it! - Yogi Berra Be nice to people. They outnumber you 6.5 billion to one. - Anonymous A lot of people ask me if I were shipwrecked, and could only have one book, what would it be? I always say "How to Build a Boat." - Stephen Wright I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. - Henny Youngman I misplaced my dictionary. Now I'm at a loss for words. - Anonymous What's another word for "thesaurus"? - Anonymous I'm glad Edward didn't kill you. Things are so much fun when you're around. - Emmett from Twilight I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it. –Edgar Allan Poe All things bright and beautiful, all creatures great and small, all things wise and wonderful, the Lord God made them all. - Cecil Frances Alexander You don't have to wear the crown to be the king. - Anthony Williams, Project Runway Season 7 A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty - Winston Churchill The next time the devil reminds you of your past remind him of his future. - Unknown Don't follow in my footsteps I run into walls. - Unknown I could fix it, if I only had some duct tape. - Murdock from Macgyver Doors are for people with no imaginations. - Skuldurggery Pleasant. Silence is golden, duct tape is silver. - Unknown I haven't lost my mind! I sold it on eBay. - Unknown And is it fair that Pluto has to live in a dog house, while Goofy, who is also a dog, gets to drive around and play golf with Mickey? . . . It's just something that's always bothered me - Louis Stevens I was gifted, but the psychiatrist took away my powers. - Unknown Amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic... - Unknown Sometimes you get to the end of the rainbow to find out that the leprechaun has it booby trapped. - Unknown If a polar bear is gay, then is it bipolar? - A girl in my Spanish class Violence is never the answer, unless the question is "What takes place during a war?" - Unknown Come to the dark side. We have COOKIES! - Unknown You're just jealous 'cause the little voices are talking to me. - Unknown Dare to be different. - Me! I don't want to be remembered as the one who stood out because she was different. I want to be remembered as the one who stood out because she stayed true to herself. - Me! In 2011 the government will start shipping the idiots away. My eyes watered when I thought of losing you. Be strong and pack your crayons. - A text message from one of my friends For crying out loud, is it wrong to assume he's so far in the closet that he's fighting to free Narnia? - Daydreamer897 on Ashfur, The Truth About Warriors (Honestly, I could list a thousand funny quotes from this story, but that would be weird) I used to hate it when aunts and grandmas used to come up to me at weddings and pinch my cheeks and say "You’re next" "You’re next". Well they stopped doing that crap when i started to do it to them at funerals. - Unknown I have no empty heroes. My goodies are good, and my baddies are bad. There are no schizophrenic goodies or sympathetic baddies. And children like it that way; it's not confusing. And they want the goodies to defeat the bads. - Brain Jacques I suppose there's a child inside me who wants to get out...A little baldy child with a beard. - Brain Jacques Funny Joke: Harry! Come quick! Dumbledore's been in an accident! Was it serious? No, it was Snape! That was for all you Harry Potter fans in the world. Hoped you liked it! Musings of the Crazies: One day we will look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject. EMO--Extravagantly Made Origami Life isn't passing me by; it's trying to run me over. You laugh now because you're older than me by mere months, but when you're 30 and I'm still 29, who will be laughing then? You say I'm not cool. But cool is another word for cold. If I'm not cold, I'm hot. I know I'm hot. Thanks for embracing it. I don't obsess! I think intensely. If you're going to criticize someone, first walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes. They say "Guns don't kill people, people kill people." Well I think the guns help. If you stood there and yelled BANG, I don't think you'd kill too many people Whoever said nothing is impossible never tried slamming a revolving door... Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us to walk and talk, and the rest of it telling us to sit down and shut up I've got ADD and magic markers. Oh, the fun I will have! I'm not paranoid... WHICH ONE OF MY ENEMIES TOLD YOU THIS?! Don’t knock on death’s door. Ring the bell and run. He hates that. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice. 364 days of the year, parents tell their kids not to take candy from strangers, yet on Halloween, its encouraged! Why is that? A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is GOING somewhere. Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most. I was about to take over the world, but I got distracted when I saw something shiny. Boys are like Slinkies, useless, but fun to watch fall down the stairs. People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don't realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world Silence is golden, duct tape is silver. Boys are like trees, they take 50 years to grow up. There cannot be a crisis this week; my schedule is filled. When you get caught looking at him just remember he was looking back. It’s always in the last place you look...of course it is, why the heck would you keep looking after you found it? You cry, I cry. You laugh, I laugh. You jump off a cliff, I laugh even harder. When in doubt, make up words. Flying is simple! Just throw yourself towards the earth, then miss the ground. Your weirdness is creeping my imaginary friend out. Some say the glass is half full, others the glass is half empty, all I want to know is who's drinking my milk!! A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing. Worst excuse for not turning in homework: I couldn't find anyone to copy it from. The only reason people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory When there's a will, I want to be in it. Lead me not into temptation. I can find it myself. It's all fun and games until the other person loses their sanity. Excuse me... have you seen my sanity... I think I lost it. Stupidity is not a crime so you're free to go. I'll try to be nicer if you try to be smarter. PMS - Possible Murder Suspect I ran with scissors, and lived! The word 'politics' is derived from the word 'poly', meaning 'many', and the word 'ticks', meaning 'blood sucking parasites'. Curiosity killed whoever got in my way. Of course I'm talking to myself. Who else can I trust? When someone annoys you, it takes forty-two muscles to frown, but it only takes four to extend your arm and whack them upside the head. I know who I am...your approval really isn't needed. There's nothing that can't be fixed with duct tape, chocolate, or by running it over. To date, life has been a race between Software companies making bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the universe making bigger and better idiots. So far, the universe is winning. Let me know if anything I say offends you, I may end up using it later. Nine of the ten Voices in my head think I'm sane. The tenth is undecided. Every day I think people can't get any dumber. Every day I'm proven horribly wrong. I like you. When I rule the world, your death shall be quick and painless. Doctors say I have multiple personalities. We disagree with that. I hate it when the voices and my imaginary friends fight. My imaginary friend thinks you have a very serious problem…let me fix it for you? *holds up a wrench* There are three stages of insanity: Denial, Acceptance, and Freaking Everybody Out. I've reached the third. Out of my mind. Be back in ten years…maybe. Even if the voices aren’t real, they have some good ideas. I'm not mean, I just say what most people keep in their heads. I don't need your attitude, I have my own. He who laughs last didn't get it. I'm not clumsy! The floor just hates me. Note to self: It is illegal to stab people for being stupid. I can only please on person per day. Today is just not your day. Tomorrow's not looking good, either. I'm not random, you just can't think as fast as me. There are no stupid questions, just stupid people. I got fired from the M&M factory for throwing away all the w's A true idiot clims a glass wall to see what's on the other side. When life gives you lemons, you make grape juice. Then sit back and watch the world wonder how you did it. When life gives you more, you throw them back, because really, who likes lemons? And when it gives you even more, squirt them in their eyes and see how much life likes lemons then. Stupidity killed the cat. Curiosity got framed. I used all my sick days so I called in dead. The extinction of the dinosaurs was no accident. Barney came along and they all committed suicide. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you! Don't worry about the end of the world coming today- it's already tomorrow in Australia. Kids are the future. Be afraid, Be very afraid! Two things are infinite; infinity, and human stupidity. Not so sure about infinity... Why be difficult, when with just a little more effort, you can be impossible? I was going to take over the world but I got distracted by something sparkly Don't hit kids. Seriously, they have guns now. If your heart was really broken, you'd be dead. So SHUT UP! I don't have a dog. I eat my own homework. WARNING- stop throwing your cigarette butts on the carpet! Seriously, the cockroaches are getting cancer! There are three kinds of people- those who count, and those who can't. The grass may be greener, but it's just as hard to mow! If the world didn't suck we'd all fall off. I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame you. Sometimes I wonder, "Why is the Frisbee getting bigger?" Then I get hit in the face. A conclusion is the part where you got tired of thinking At my lemonade stand I used to give away the first glass for free, and charge five dollars for the refill. It contained the antidote. Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there. War doesn't determine who's right. War determines who's left. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target. An apple a day keeps the doctor away. But if the doctor is cute, screw the fruit! I had a friend once. Then the rope broke and she got away. Sometimes I lie awake at night and ask, "Where have I gone wrong?" Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night." CHILDREN'S BOOK TITLES You Were an Accident Strangers Have the Best Candy The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables Your Nightmares Are Real! Dad’s New Wife, Robert Curious George and the High Voltage Fence The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy Whining, Kicking and Screaming To Get Your Way What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog? Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends? Rock, Paper, Scissors I understand that Scissors can beat Paper, and I get how Rock can beat Scissors, but there's no way Paper can beat Rock. Is Paper supposed to magically wrap around Rock leaving it immobile? If so, why can't paper do this to scissors? Screw scissors, why can't paper do this to people? Why aren't sheets of college ruled notebook paper constantly suffocating students as they attempt to take notes in class? I'll tell you why, because paper can't beat anybody, a rock would tear that crap up in two seconds. When I play rock/ paper/ scissors, I always choose rock. Then when somebody claims to have beaten me with their paper I can punch them in the face with my ready made fist and say, oh, I'm sorry, I thought paper would protect you! Scissors cuts paper, paper covers rock, rock crushes lizard, lizard poisons Spock, Spock smashes scissors, scissors decapitates lizard, lizard eats paper, paper disproves Spock, Spock vaporizes rock, and as it always has, rock crushes scissors Popular Last Words: "Oops." "I didn't know that part came off." "Oh $@#%." "Hey, honey! Look!" "No hands!" "I don't think that's supposed to bend that way." "I can too!" "It's perfectly harmless." "OF COURSE I know what I'm doing." My Mother... (This sounds just like my mom.) 1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. 2. My mother taught me RELIGION. 3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL. 4. My mother taught me LOGIC. 5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC. 6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT. 7. My mother taught me IRONY. 8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS. 9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM. 10. My mother taught me about STAMINA. 11. My mother taught me about WEATHER. 12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY. 13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE. 14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION. 15. My mother taught me about ENVY. 16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION. 17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING. 18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE. 19. My mother taught me ESP. 20. My mother taught me HUMOR. 21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT. 22. My mother taught me GENETICS. 23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS. 24. My mother taught me WISDOM. 25. My mother taught me about JUSTICE. Thank You Dad At age 8, your dad buys you an ice cream. You thanked him by dripping When you were 9 years old, he paid for piano lessons. You thanked him When you were 10 years old he drove you all day, from soccer to When you were 11 years old, he took you and your friends to When you were 12 years old, he warned you not to watch When you were 13, he suggested a haircut that was in fashion. When you were 14, he paid for a month away at summer camp. When you were 15, he came home from work, looking for a hug. When you were 16, he taught you how to drive his car. You When you were 17, he was expecting an important call. You thanked him When you were 18, he cried at your high school graduation. You thanked When you were 19, he paid for your college tuition, drove you to campus When you were 25, he helped to pay for your wedding, and he told you When you were 50, he fell ill and needed you to take care of him . You And then, one day, he quietly died. And everything you never did came Pick Up Lines Man: If I could rearrange the alphabet I'd put u and i together Man: Your eyes they're amazing. Man: Did it hurt when you fell from heaven? Man: Your name must be Daisy, because I have the incredible urge to plant you right here! Man: Where have you been all my life? Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy. Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning? Man: Your body is like a temple. Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before? Man: Is this seat empty? Man: Your place or mine? Man: So, what do you do for a living? Man: Hey baby, what's your sign? Man: I would go to the end of the world for you. Names Super-Hero Name (favorite color and favorite drink): Orange Smoothie Star Wars Name (first three letters of last name, first three letters of first name): Ort Dan Arabic Name (2nd letter of your first name, 3rd letter of your last name, 1st letter of your middle name, 2nd letter of your moms maiden name, 3rd letter of you dads middle name, 1st letter of a siblings first name, and last letter of your moms middle name): Atrlrsy Goth Name (black and the name of one of your pets): Black Hazel Witness Protection Name (mother’s & father’s middle names): Mary Jerome Nascar Name (first name of your mother’s mom, father’s mom): Helen Julia Fly Name (first 2 letters of 1st name, last 2 letters of your last name): Daor Gangsta Name (first 3 letters of first name plus izzle): Danizzle Detective Name (the plus favorite color and favorite animal): The Orange Dolphin Rock Star Name (favorite fruit and something that can go wrong): Kiwi Experiment Pirate Name (any color and a pirate accessory): Pink Parrot Soap Opera Name (your middle name and street you live on): Rose Sun Circle Street Name (favorite ice-cream and favorite cookie): Vanilla Snickerdoodle A Minnesota couple decided to vacation to Florida during the winter. They planned to stay at the very same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday. His wife would fly down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail. Meanwhile...somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister of many years who was called home to glory following a sudden heart attack. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read: To: My Loving Wife If you have ever had done something or said something that made perfect sense to your real friends and only caused your "peers" to look at you strangely and roll their eyes, copy and paste this into your profile. FRIENDS/BEST FRIENDS FRIENDS: Will comfort you when he rejects you. FRIENDS: Will be there for you when he breaks up with you. FRIENDS: Helps you up when you fall. FRIENDS: Helps you find your prince. FRIENDS: Will ask you if you're okay when you're crying. FRIENDS: Lend you their umbrella FRIENDS: Will offer you a soda. FRIENDS: Will sit at the side of the pool with you at that time of the month. FRIENDS: Gives you their umbrella in the rain. FRIENDS: Will help you move. FRIENDS: Will bail you out of jail. FRIENDS: Never ask for anything to eat or drink. FRIENDS: Call your parents by Mr. and Mrs. and Grandpa, by Grandpa. FRIENDS: Would bail you out of jail. FRIENDS: Have never seen you cry. FRIENDS: Asks you to write down your number. FRIENDS: Never ask for food. FRIENDS: Borrows your stuff for a few days then gives it back. FRIENDS: Only know a few things about you. FRIENDS: Will leave you behind if that is what the crowd is doing. FRIENDS: Would knock on your front door. FRIENDS: You have to tell them not to tell anyone. FRIENDS: Are only through high school/college. (aka: drinking buddies) FRIENDS: Will be there to take your drink away from you when they think you've had enough. FRIENDS: Would ignore this. ONLY IN AMERICA... ...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance ...are there handicap parking spaces in front of ice-skating rinks ...sick people go to the back of Walgreens to get their medicine, while healthy people get their cigarettes at the front ...people buy hotdogs in packs of 10 and hotdog buns in packs of 8 ...the banks leave both vaults open and then chain the pens to the counter ...people order a double cheese burger, large fries, and a diet coke ...people leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveways and keep their junk in garages ...people use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so they won't miss the calls from someone they don't want to talk to in the first place ...is the word "politics" used to describe the process so well; "Poli-" in latin means "many" and "tics" mean "blood-sucking creatures Survey! 1. Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 81, and find line 4. the water and were gone. Martin and Gonff came to sit (Legend of Luke) 2. Stretch your left arm out as far as you can, What can you touch? AIR!!!! 3. What is the last thing you watched on TV? My Wife and Kids 4. Without looking, guess what time it is: 9:20 am 5. Now look at the clock. What is the actual time? 9:17 am 6. With the exception of the computer, what can you hear? Humans talking around me 7. When did you last step outside? What were you doing? Yesterday when I was getting a raccoon out of our trash can 8. Before you started this survey, what did you look at? xxBLACKnWHITExx's profile 9. What are you wearing? Gray jeans, black converse, white T-shirt, and black and white plaid shirt 10. Did you dream last night? Two frogs were getting married (it was sooo romantic!) 11. When did you last laugh? In my English class about 20 minutes ago 12. What is on the walls of the room you are in? The blood of the innocent. JK paint 13. Seen anything weird lately? A dog lying on its side with its eyes wide open and it's tongue hanging out 14. What do you think of this quiz? It gives me something to do during computer science class (Yeah I'm in school) 15. What is the last film you saw? Super Size Me. We were watching it in Biology 16. If you became a multi-millionaire overnight, what would you buy? Australia (They got cute little critters) or a zoo. Oh I know! A leprechaun! 17. Tell me something about you that I don't know: I have a very very active imagination 18. If you could change one thing about the world, regardless of guilt or politics, what would you do? Oh there's so much I would do. I would make war illegal, animal abuse is punishable by death, and everything was free! 19. Do you like to dance? I can't dance to save my life 20. George Bush: He has a funny face 21. Imagine your first child is a girl, what do you call her? Sasha 22. Imagine your first child is a boy, what do you call him? Logan 23. Would you ever consider living abroad? It depends on where Another Survey! Eye Color: brown Shoe Size: Women's 6-7 ...: Favorites:... This//Or//That:... ...: The Opposite Sex:... Hair Color: Doesn't really matter ...: Currently:.. ...: The Future... OBITUARY FOR THE LATE MR. COMMON SENSE Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as: Knowing when to come in out of the rain; why the early bird gets the worm; Life isn't always fair; and Maybe it was my fault. Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge). His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6 year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition. Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get Parental consent to administer Calpol, sun lotion or a band-aid to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion. Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault. Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement. Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He is survived by his 3 stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, Someone Else Is To Blame, and I'm A Victim. Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing. Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital. Please select from the following options: If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you. If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6. If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call. If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press. If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway. If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696. If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have low self-esteem, please hang up our operators are too busy to talk with you. If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won't be crazy forever. Questionnaires List twelve Random characters, in no particular order. Then answer the questions about them. 1. Wolverine 2. Mariel of Redwall 3. Brambleclaw 4. Random Stromtrooper 5. Darth Vader 6. Storm 7. Percy Jackson 8. Yellowfang 9. Princess Leia 10. Professor X 11. Martin the Warrior 12. Rakkety Tam 1. Have you ever read a Six/Eleven fic? Do you want to? Storm/Martin the Warrior, A mouse with a sword and a mutant who controls the weather. That makes no sense! 2. Do you think four is hot? How hot? Random Stormtrooper be SEXY! 3. What would happen if Twelve got Eight pregnant? Rakkety Tam/Yellowfang, A squirrel and cat hybrid. That sounds fascinating. 4. Can you recall any fics about Nine? I don't read Princess Leia fics but I bet there are some. 5. Would Two and Six make a good couple? Mariel of Redwall/Storm, Again, a mouse and a mutant. What has the world come to?! 6. Five/Nine or Five/Ten? Why? Darth Vader/Princess Leia, That's a father/daughter thing there. Darth Vader/Professor X, Little gay action with a cyborg and a man in a wheelchair. Both are wrong. 7. What would happen if Seven walked in on Two and Twelve having sex? Percy Jackson walked in on Mariel of Redwall/Rakkety Tam getting funky. He would probably faint. 8. Is there any such thing as One/Eight fluff? Wolverine/Yellowfang, That's a mutant with metal claws and a grumpy old cat. OF COURSE THERE ISN'T! 9. Suggest a title for a Seven/Twelve hurt/comfort fic? Percy Jackson/Rakkety Tam, I don't know, DemiSquirrel? 10. Does anyone on your friends' list read three hot? I don't think people read Brambleclaw hot. 11. Does anyone on your friends' list write or draw Eleven? Martin the Warrior is crazy popular 12. Would anyone on your friends' list write Two/Four/Five? Mariel of Redwall/Random Stormtrooper/Darth Vader, NO ONE writes that! 13. If you wrote a Song-fic about Eight, what song would you choose? Yellowfang? Hmmm maybe Because of You. 14. If you wrote a One/Six/Twelve fic, what would the warning be? Wolverine/Storm/Rakkety Tam, The pairing should be warning enough 15. When was the last time you read a fic about Five? I don't read Darth Vader fics, but maybe I should 16. 1 and 8 are in a happy relationship until 5 runs off with 9. After 8 dumps 1 for 2, 6 gets upset and retaliates by dating 12. Alone and broken-hearted, 1 travels in search of a friend. Finally, 1 meets 4 and 7. The three loners meet 10, who tells each of them to look for love. 4 finds 3, 7 gets 11, but now 1 is in a never-ending love triangle with 6 and 12! Wolverine and Yellowfang are having a good time, and Darth Vader runs off with Princess Leia (oh gawd). Yellowfang dumps Wolverine for Mariel of Redwall (a cat and a mouse what could go wrong) so Storm starts dating Rakkety Tam (oh this is wrong). Wolverine is looking for a friend and meets Random Stormtrooper and Percy Jackson. The three meet Professor X, aka the Love Doctor, who tells them to look for love. Random Stormtrooper meets Brambleclaw (oh no), Percy Jackson falls for Martin the Warrior (this isn't good), while Wolverine is in a love triangle with Storm and Rakkety Tam (this is just wrong). What would you title this fic? A Very Bad Idea The Death Eater's Guide Greetings, new follower: If you are reading this letter then you have doubtless been accepted into the select band of professional wizards known as the Death Eaters. If by some unprecedented chance you are reading this and you have not been accepted into the Death Eaters then I suggest you put down this letter and leave now, or the consequences for you will be as terrible as my lifelong study into the Dark Arts can make them. Please find enclosed a short introductory guide to Death Eating, which you must memorize and then eat, to prevent security leaks. (Due to an unfortunate fatality last week, it is now permitted to cut the guide into small pieces before swallowing). The next meeting is scheduled for midnight, 11th June, when I trust we will have the pleasure of watching your initiation ceremony. Please remember to bring a clean handsaw and enough twine. It's so distressing when people don't prepare for these events properly. Yours in infamy, Lord Voldemort
Welcome to this helpful guide to being a Death Eater. This leaflet should provide you with all the information you need to become a successful servant to the Dark Lord. It will if you know what's good for you. Please read every page before eating. World peace List of Equipment required for new Death Eaters: (Equipment marked must be obtained from Messers. Gorgon & Black Limited, outfitters to the intensely evil and terminally stylish since 12 BC. Their premises are on Knockturn Alley, but they now do mail order as well.) Long Black Robes (Casual) Cane (For favored members only. Unauthorized possession of a cane will result in a heavy fine. Before possessing cane, it is necessary to pass a rigorous series of tests to ascertain that your carrying-a-cane-in-a-nonchalant-yet-evil-fashion skills are up to scratch). Coffin Recommended Reading: Curses and Counter-Curses by Professor Vindictus Viridian Death Eater may also own snake or dragon or hippogriff. But only Lord Voldemort may possess a basilisk. Death Eater Rules: No Death Eater shall be a spy for Dumbledore. Frequently Asked Questions: What happens if Voldemort is displeased with me? As this is a fairly run (and currently short-staffed) organization, you will probably receive a warning. And some soul-destroying torture. A second offense and you will probably die a slow death. Options include: Being slowly eaten by a manticore. What should I do if I decide to leave the organization? Make your funeral arrangements as quickly as possible. (See above) What is the salary like? You should be in this job for the principle of the thing, not for sordid reasons. So let's just say that it's much, much better than they pay at the Ministry. There will also be opportunities for pillage, looting, theft, etc., and Christmas bonuses are guaranteed. Does the Dark Mark hurt? Of course it does; this is an evil society after all. What are you, a wimp? Can the Dark Mark be removed by laser treatment? No. Only a moron would ask such a stupid question. But it can be temporarily obscured by a good-quality concealer. (Make sure it's a shade darker than your skin tone, as a lighter shade will simply draw attention to the tattoo. Pat translucent powder over the concealer to make it last longer.) Is there a retirement age for Death Eaters? You probably won't live long enough to have to deal with this problem. Can I kill personal enemies or just opponents of Voldemort? Murder is encouraged on principle; however, personal killings should be reserved for each individual Death Eater's free time, as obviously serving Lord Voldemort is much more important. Occasional massacre outings/ dark revels may take place as rewards for good (i.e. bad) behavior. What should I do if Voldemort is defeated at the height of his powers by a one-year-old boy? This circumstance is so unlikely that there is no point devising a protocol to deal with it. The Death Eater Anthem (to be memorized by each new recruit as soon as possible). Please note that this tune should never, never, never, never be sung to the tune of "Blackadder," an inane Muggle television program to which we are completely oblivious and never watch. Honestly. Who lurk beneath the undergrowth? Being a Death Eater is naturally a dangerous job. Lord Voldemort accepts no liability for any pain/suffering/torture/impalement/loss of limbs/grievous bodily harm/disintegration/insanity/imprisonment/loss of soul/death which you may experience while in his service. No good will come of any attempts to sue him as a negligent employer. Trust us. However, in order to protect members, these safety guidelines have been developed for Death Eaters both during leisure time and on missions for the Dark Lord: Don't try to take out Harry Potter yourself. It is extremely presumptuous. Leave it to Lord Voldemort, who has much more practice. Employ masterly deceit to conceal your allegiance to the Dark Lord: e.g., if someone accuses you of being a Death Eater, laugh carelessly and say: "No, I am not a Death Eater. Would you like a cup of tea?" This Machiavellian trickery should be enough to convince them. If this does not convince your accuser, have them discreetly murdered. (Sussex and Fox Ltd, of 13, Knockturn Alley, run a very efficient assassination service and are currently offering cut-price deals for friends and associates of the Dark Lord. Present your membership card at the counter for further details.) Keep your wand on you at all times, even if you are asleep/on a hot date/in the bath/on the beach/wearing very tight-fitting leather garments (or all of these at once). Ostentatious indicators of evil, such as manic laughter/dressing entirely in black swooshy robes (Snape, this means you)/ making sinister comments/killing people should be practiced only in private. If you suspect someone of being a spy, kill them and their family at the first opportunity. If it turns out they were not a spy at all, pass it off as a light-hearted practical joke. Only eat food prepared by yourself or your faithful minions. Do not trust your spouse(s)/partner(s), no matter how pretty he/she/they may be. Similarly, do not accept drinks from anyone. This may cause offense when visiting a pub or bar but it's better than being dead. Obviously. Do not take off your mask for any reason while on a mission. If people see your face while you are conjuring the Dark Mark/ massacring etc, they may suspect that you are a Death Eater. Do not try to smoke while wearing your mask, as it is not fireproof. Never address your colleagues by name while on a mission. Survivors may recall it at a later date. For the same reason, never mention your address or telephone number to anyone you are kidnapping/raping/torturing/killing, no matter how attractive they may be. Evil relationship experts have stated that romance is unlikely to flourish under such circumstances anyway. Burn all sensitive documents. Not only will this deter spies, it is also amusing as it contributes to global warming. Set up an anti-Apparating spell round your residence (but make sure you have a Portkey handy so you're not embarrassingly trapped there if the place is attacked by Aurors). Prepare a secret hideout for yourself should your cover be blown. Failure to do this may lead to your sharing a hideout with another Death Eating family, which often results in friction over use of bathroom facilities, television, etc. Don't upset Lord Voldemort. It will only end in tears. (And multiple burns, fractured limbs, mortal torment, etc.) Rules For Hogwarts: - If death eaters are attacking Hogsmeade I will not point at the sky and shout TO THE BAT MOBILE! - Remus Lupin does NOT want a flea collar - I will not make any jokes about Lupin and his time of the month. - I will not say 'dude, get a life' to Lord Voldemort - I will not ask Snape why he stole Batman's cape - I will not call Professor Flitwick Yoda - I am not to refer to the Accio charm as 'The Force'. - I will not take the Giant Squid to the Yule Ball. - If the thought of a spell makes me giggle for more than 10 minutes, I shall assume that I am not allowed to use it. - It is not necessary to yell, "BAM" every time I Apparate. - "I've heard every joke possible about Oliver Wood's name" is not a challenge. - Gryffindor Courage does not come in bottles labeled, "Firewhiskey." - I am not allowed to paint the House Elves blue and call them smurfs - The Whomping Willow is not a Entwife with PMS - I will not yell "I have eight horcruxes, take that Voldy!" - I will not say "So I was all like Avada Kadavra and he was all like. Dead." - Draco Malfoy is the amazing...bouncing...Ferret - No matter how good a fake Australian accent I can do, I will not imitate Steve Irwin during Care of Magical Creatures class. - Dumbledore is not Santa, he does not wish for me to sit on his knee and demand presents, especially not in May...June...or July... - Despite popular belief, Hufflepuffs are not soft and squishy. Do not treat them as such. - I am not allowed to sing 'We're Off to See The Wizard' on the way to the headmaster's office - I am definitely not to sing it accompanied by the house elves acting as a backing group. - Especially not with kazoos. - The fact that there are only three unforgivable curses does not mean that every other curse is "pretty much forgivable". - Enchanting the Sorting Hat to sort new students into the House of Martok, or any other house is forbidden. - There is no such thing as the "Hufflepuff Marshmallow Man"...even if I do conjure him up. - Regardless of the beautiful irony, I will not hang a tempting piñata from the Whomping Willow. - The song "Ding Dong, The Witch is Dead" is never, ever appropriate, especially in reference to Professor Umbridge. - I will not write "Wizard" on my hat in sequins. - I am not allowed to ask Pureblood students things like, "If your parents got divorced, would they still be brother and sister?" - I am not allowed to dress exactly like Snape and ask him to call me "mini me." - I know that Snape does not want bleach, laundry detergent, or new underwear for his birthday or Christmas. No combination of these is acceptable. - Murmuring “I see dead people… ” every time I see one of the ghosts is stupid and was never funny. - Yelling “to infinity, and BEYOND!” was only funny the first time I took off on my broom. - I am no longer allowed to sing my “own personal spy music” when I wander around the hallways. - I should not remark that “hell hath no fury like a woman scorned” when Snape gets angry. Ever. - If I become an animagus, I am not allowed to yell “MORPHIN’ TIME!” every time I change. - I cannot do this whenever anyone else changes either. - I must not shout "beam me up Scotty" before disapparating. - I will not give Hagrid Pokémon cards and convince him that they are real animals Stupid Stereotypes (Note: These are not my personal opinions or views): I'm SKINNY, so I MUST be anorexic. I'm POLISH, so I MUST wear my socks with my sandals HOW COULD YOU? - By Jim Willis, 2001 When I was a puppy, I entertained you with my antics and made you laugh. You called me your child, and despite a number of chewed shoes and a couple of murdered throw pillows, I became your best friend. Whenever I was "bad," you'd shake your finger at me and ask "How could you?" -- But then you'd relent and roll me over for a belly rub. My housebreaking took a little longer than expected, because you were terribly busy, but we worked on that together. I remember those nights of nuzzling you in bed and listening to your confidences and secret dreams, and I believed that life could not be any more perfect. We went for long walks and runs in the park, car rides, stops for ice cream (I only got the cone because "ice cream is bad for dogs" you said), and I took long naps in the sun waiting for you to come home at the end of the day. Gradually, you began spending more time at work and on your career, and more time searching for a human mate. I waited for you patiently, comforted you through heartbreaks and disappointments, never chided you about bad decisions, and romped with glee at your homecomings, and when you fell in love. She, now your wife is not a "dog person" -- still I welcomed her into our home, tried to show her affection, and obeyed her. I was happy because you were happy. Then the human babies came along and I shared your excitement. I was fascinated by their pinkness, how they smelled, and I wanted to mother them, too. Only she and you worried that I might hurt them, and I spent most of my time banished to another room, or to a dog crate. Oh, how I wanted to love them, but I became a "prisoner of love." As they began to grow, I became their friend. They clung to my fur and pulled themselves up on wobbly legs, poked fingers in my eyes, investigated my ears, and gave me kisses on my nose. I loved everything about them and their touch -- because your touch was now so infrequent -- and I would've defended them with my life if need be. I would sneak into their beds and listen to their worries and secret dreams, and together we waited for the sound of your car in the driveway. There had been a time, when others asked you if you had a dog, that you produced a photo of me from your wallet and told them stories about me. These past few years, you just answered "yes" and changed the subject. I had gone from being "your dog" to "just a dog ," and you resented every expenditure on my behalf. I was excited about the car ride until we arrived at the animal shelter. It smelled of dogs and cats, of fear, of hopelessness. You filled out the paperwork and said "I know you will find a good home for her." They shrugged and gave you a pained look. They understand the realities facing a middle-aged dog, even one with "papers." You had to pry your son's fingers loose from my collar as he screamed "No, Daddy! Please don't let them take my dog!" And I worried for him, and what lessons you had just taught him about friendship and loyalty, about love and responsibility, and about respect for all life. You gave me a good-bye pat on the head, avoided my eyes, and politely refused to take my collar and leash with you. You had a deadline to meet and now I have one, too. After you left, the 2 nice ladies said you probably knew about your upcoming move months ago & made no attempt to find me another good home. They shook their heads & asked "How could you?" They are as attentive to us here in the shelter as their busy schedules allow. They feed us, of course, but I lost my appetite days ago. At first, whenever anyone passed my pen, I rushed to the front, hoping it was you that you had changed your mind -- that this was all a bad dream... or I hoped it would at least be someone who cared, anyone who might save me. When I realized I could not compete with the frolicking for attention of happy puppies, oblivious to their own fate, I retreated to a far corner and waited. I heard her footsteps as she came for me at the end of the day, and I padded along the aisle after her to a separate room. A blissfully quiet room. She placed me on the table and rubbed my ears, and told me not to worry. My heart pounded in anticipation of what was to come, but there was also a sense of relief. The prisoner of love had run out of days. As is my nature, I was more concerned about her. The burden which she bears weighs heavily on her, and I know that, the same way I knew your every mood. She gently placed a tourniquet around my foreleg as a tear ran down her cheek. I licked her hand in the same way I used to comfort you so many years ago. She expertly slid the hypodermic needle into my vein. As I felt the sting and the cool liquid coursing through my body, I lay down sleepily, looked into her kind eyes and murmured "How could you?" Perhaps because she understood my dog speak, she said "I'm so sorry." She hugged me, and hurriedly explained it was her job to make sure I went to a better place, where I wouldn't be ignored or abused or abandoned, or have to fend for myself -- a place of love and light so very different from this earthly place. And with my last bit of energy, I tried to convey to her with a thump of my tail that my "How could you?" was not directed at her. It was directed at you, My Beloved Master, I was thinking of you. I will think of you and wait for you forever. May everyone in your life continue to show you so much loyalty. If the story above affected you as much as it did me, please copy and paste this onto your own profile I am the girl kicked out of her home because I confided in my mother that I am a lesbian. I am the prostitute working the streets because nobody will hire a transsexual woman. I am the sister who holds her gay brother through the painful, tear-filled nights. We are the parents who buried their daughter long before her time. I am the man who died alone in the hospital because they would not let my partner of twenty-seven years into the room. I am the foster child who wakes up with nightmares of being taken away from the two fathers who are the only loving family I ever had. I wish they could adopt me. I am one of the lucky ones, I guess. I survived the attack that left me in a coma for three weeks, and in another year I will probably be able to walk again. I am not one of the lucky ones. I killed myself just weeks before graduating high school. It was simply too much to bear. We are the couple who had a realtor hang up on us when she found out we wanted to rent a one-bed bedroom for two men. I am the person who never knows which bathroom I should use if I want to avoid getting management called on me. I am the mother who is not allowed to even visit the children I bore, nursed, and raised. The court said I am an unfit mother because I now live with a another woman. I am the domestic-violence survivor who found the support system grow suddenly cold and distant when they found out my abusive partner is also a woman. I am the domestic-violence survivor who has no support system to turn to because I am male. I am the father who has never hugged his son because I grew up afraid to show affection to other men. I am the home-economics teacher who always wanted to teach gym until someone told me that only lesbians do that. I am the man who died when the paramedics stopped treating me as soon as they realized I was transsexual. I am the person who feels guilty because I think I could be a much better person if I did not have to deal with society hating me. I am a the man who stopped attending church, not because I don't believe, but because they closed their doors to my kind. I am the person who has to hide what this world needs most: love. I am the person who is afraid of telling his loving Christian parents that he loves another male. Re-post this if you believe homophobia is wrong. Please do your part to end it. DO IT NOW!! Mummy...Johnny brought a gun to school Don't Drink and Drive!! I went to a party, I felt proud of myself, I made a healthy choice, I got into my car, Now I'm lying on the pavement, My own blood's all around me, I'm sure the guy had no idea, So why do people do it, Mom Tell sister not to be afraid, Mom Someone should have taught him, My breath is getting shorter, Mom I have one last question, Mom. Copy and paste this into your profile if you want to make sense, but it's simply not possible for someone like you. Copy and paste this into your profile if you walk into walls and apologize. Copy and paste this into your profile if pipe cleaners are really really fun!! Copy and paste this into your profile if you are insanely insane. Copy and paste this into your profile if you've ever busted a move/burst into song randomly. Copy and paste this into your profile if you've ever copied and pasted something into your profile. Copy and paste this into your profile if you have ever said something that had NOTHING to do w/ the conversation. Copy and paste this into your profile if your friends are the types who walk into marble walls at art museums. Copy and paste this into your profile if you "decorate" cereal boxes by drawing mustaches and third eyes on the model, autograph the box, and put it back in the food pantry. Copy and paste this into your profile if you know someone who should get run over by a bus. Copy and paste this if you hug random people in the school hallways and run/skip away laughing like the harmless maniac you are. Copy and paste this into your profile if you like light switches. Copy and paste this into your profile if you think wallabies are cute!! Copy and paste this into your profile if you are plotting world domination of your own little world. If you love God with your whole heart and are 100 percent proud of it, copy and paste this in your profile. If you hate those mosquitoes giving you mosquito bites, copy and paste this on your profile If you have ever laughed so hard you either choked, hyperventilated, had your sides cramp, or all of the above copy and paste this on your profile If you think those stupid kids should just give the rabbit the freakin' Trix, copy this into your profile Did you know the average American only reads 3 books a year? If you don't believe that it's even possible to read that little, copy and paste this onto your profile If you have ever burst out laughing in a quiet room because of something that happened yesterday, copy and paste If you've ever imagined yourself killing off a fictional character so that you could steal her fictional boyfriend, copy this into your profile If you are a person who acts friendly but has an evil mind and is secretly plotting world domination, copy and paste this into your profile. If you have a true friend (or two...or three...or four...or five...et cetera), copy and paste this into your profile. If you are a person who acts friendly but has an evil mind and is secretly plotting world domination, copy and paste this into your profile. If you think the Cocoa Puff Turkey Bird thing should go to rehab, copy this into your profile. If you have ever had a mad laughing fit for absolutely no reason, copy and paste this into your profile. If you've ever tripped over your own feet, copy and paste this into your profile. If you are against child abuse, you should copy this into your profile. If you are obsessed with fanfiction, copy this into your profile. If you are aware that so many people nowadays pretend to be someone they're not, copy and paste this into your profile. If you don't do drugs and never will, copy and paste this into your profile. If you think cancer is awful, copy and paste this into your profile. If you talk to yourself and aren't afraid to admit it, copy and paste this into your profile. If you are against animal cruelty, put this in your profile. If you love God with your whole heart and are 100 percent proud of it, copy and paste this into your profile. If you have sibling(s) that drive you crazy, then copy this onto your profile. If you have music in your soul, post this in your profile! If you're wearing pants right now, copy and paste this on your profile If you think girls should rule the world and that it would be a better place copy this onto your profile If you want to fire and/or sue those bloody weather men for giving you false hope so often (for snow days or something)...Copy and paste this to your profile, so we know who to call when we lead an angry mob If you have ever eaten something utterly disgusting on accident, and then realized it right afterward and tried to spit it out, copy and paste this on your profile If you've ever laughed so hard tears streamed down your face, you banged your repeatedly on a table, and received weird looks from everyone in the immediate vicinity, copy and paste this in your profile. If you have ever had an argument with yourself and LOST, copy and paste this on you profile. If you have ever gotten so completely sidetracked in a conversation that you don't remember why you were talking copy and paste this on your profile If you have ever zoned out for five consecutive minutes copy this on your profile If you hate those mosquitoes giving you mosquito bites, copy and paste this on your profile If your friends are WEIRD (but not as weird as you) put this on your profile If you can be quiet one second and hyper in another, but don't have mood swings, copy this in your profile. If you have a wide range of interests, put this on your profile If you're stalking a fictional character, copy this to your profile. If you have been hit in the face with a ball and started laughing copy this on your profile If you like being utterly random copy and paste this on your profile If you are against fur coats, clothing, boots, etc, and the people who kill the animals don't use the meat, copy and paste this into your profile. If you have ever just wanted to SLAP someone, copy this onto your profile. If you haven't died yet, copy and paste this onto your profile. If you read people's profiles looking for things to copy and paste into your profile, copy and paste this into your profile. If several inanimate objects hate you copy and paste this into your profile. If you know a video game/book/movie/anime/manga character or weapon that need(s) to exist, copy and paste this into your profile If you've ever had a crush on a person from a movie/book/video game, copy and paste this into your profile If you have ever been so obsessed with something that now everyone is scared of you because of its effects copy this into your profile. If you are against fur coats, clothing, boots, etc, and the people who kill the animals don't use the meat, copy and paste this into your profile. If you can be quiet one second and hyper in another, but don't have mood swings, copy this in your profile. If you have a wide range of interests, put this on your profile If your profile is long, copy this onto it to make it even longer If you have ever copy and pasted something copy and paste this onto your profile (Or Else!) If you hate those mosquitoes giving you mosquito bites, copy and paste this on your profile If you like being utterly random copy and paste this on your profile If you have ever laughed so hard you either choked, hyperventilated, had your sides’ cramp, or all of the above copy and paste this on your profile If you have ever zoned out for five consecutive minutes copy this on your profile If you're against animal cruelty (horse slaughter, bear baiting, dolphin hunting, chimp slavery etc.) then copy this into your profile! If you think the human identification thing when you log in to fan fiction is annoying, copy and paste this onto your profile. If you think that writing or reading Fanfic stories is fun, copy and paste this onto your profile. If you have a true friend, copy and paste this into your profile. If you think that Emmett absolutely ROCKS, copy and paste this onto your profile. If you spend multiple hours each day reading and/or writing, copy and paste this onto your profile. If there are times when you wanna annoy people just for the heck of it, copy this into your profile. If you have ever been so obsessed with something that now everyone is scared of you because of its effects copy this into your profile. If you tend to laugh your arse off at funny FanFics and everyone thinks you're weird, copy and paste this into your profile 65 percent of Teenagers spend more time watching TV rather then read,.If you are part of the 35 percent who read more than watch TV then cut and paste this to your Profile. If you have ever yelled at the book you were reading because the characters did something stupid post this on your profile 16 Things to do when you're in Walmart! 1. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals. 2. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms. 3. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, " 'Code 3' in housewares"... and see what happens. 4. Go the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away. 5. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area. 6. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department. 7. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?" 8. Look right into the security camera & use it as a mirror, and pick your nose. 9. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are. 10. Dart around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme. 11. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look" 12. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, stage-whisper "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!" 13. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream.."NO! NO! It's those voices again!!" 14. Go into a fitting room and shut the door and wait a while and then yell, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here! 15. Grab a lot of bouncy balls and throw them down the aisle, shouting "Go, Pikachu, Go" 16. Pick out all the ugliest clothes you can find and take them to the dressing room. Announce to all the others shoppers that there will be a fashion show shortly. Enforce it Fun things to do on an elevator: 1) CRACK open your briefcase or handbag, peer Inside and ask "Got enough air in there?" 2) STAND silent and motionless in the corner facing the wall without getting off. 3) WHEN arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act as if you're embarrassed when they open themselves. 4) GREET everyone with a warm handshake and ask him or her to call you Admiral. 5) MEOW occasionally. 6) STARE At another passenger for a while. Then announce in horror: "You're one of THEM" - and back away slowly 7) SAY -DING at each floor. 8) SAY "I wonder what all these do?" And push all the red buttons. 9) MAKE explosion noises when anyone presses a button. 10) STARE, grinning at another passenger for a while, then announce: "I have new socks on." 11) WHEN the elevator is silent, look around and ask: "Is that your beeper?" 12) TRY to make personal calls on the emergency phone. 13) DRAW a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers: "This is my personal space." 14) WHEN there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder, then pretend it wasn't you. 15) PUSH the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more. 16) ASK if you can push the button for other people but push the wrong ones. 17) HOLD the doors open and say you're waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say "Hi Greg, How's your day been?" 18) DROP a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, and then scream: "That's mine!" 19) BRING a camera and take pictures of everyone in the lift. 20) PRETEND you're a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the Passengers. 21) SWAT at flies that don't exist. 22) CALL out "Group hug" then enforce it. PRODUCT LABELS On a Sears hairdryer--Do not use while sleeping. (Oh NO! when will I use this, then?) On a bag of Frito's -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (So, we're endorsing shoplifting, now? ) On a bar of Dial soap --Directions: Use like regular soap. (And that would be...?) On some Swanson frozen dinners --Serving suggestion: Defrost. (Thanks for the suggestion, but I like it frozen better.) On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) --Do not turn upside down. (Oh, thank goodness. I shudder to think what would happen if I turned it upside down.) On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding --Product will be hot after heating. (Wow, thanks for the heads-up.) On packaging for a Rowenta iron -- Do not iron clothes on body. (Man! I won't have time to iron clothes now.) On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication. (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5 year-olds with head-colds off those bulldozers.) On Nytol Sleep Aid -- Warning: May cause drowsiness. (You don't think.) On most brands of Christmas lights -- For indoor or outdoor use only. (as opposed to...dot dot dot...?) On Sainsbury's peanuts -- Warning: contains nuts. (Thank goodness they warned me.) On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts. (I'll do what I want with my packaged nuts, thank you very much.) On a child's Superman costume -- Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly. (Aw, man! now I'll have to return this...I wanted to jump off skyscrapers and stuff.) On a bottle of shampoo for dogs -- Caution: The contents of this bottle should not be fed to fish. (Can i feed it to snakes then?) On a hand-held massaging device -- Do not use while sleeping or unconscious. (But I like being massaged while I sleep!) On a toilet at a public sports facility in Ann Arbor, Michigan -- Recycled flush water unsafe for drinking. (I'll drink out of the toilet if I want to thank you very much) On a pair of shin guards -- Shin pads cannot protect any part of the body they do not cover. (Dang it! Now my head will be vulnerable!) On a container of underarm deodorant -- Caution: Do not spray in eyes. (But they smell so bad!) 29 Annoying Ways to Order a Pizza 1. Start the conversation with "My call to (Pizza Place), take one... and... ACTION!" 2. If using a touch-tone phone, press random numbers while ordering. Tell the person taking the order, "would you please stop doing that...?" 3. Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation." 4. Do not name your toppings; rather, spell them out. 5. Ask what the order taker is wearing. 6. Order 52 pepperoni slices arranged in a fractal pattern following from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they're getting all of this down. 7. If they repeat the order to verify it, say "OK. Your total comes to 10.99. Please pull up to the window." 8. Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say "Yes," heave a sigh of relief. 9. Put the accent on the last syllable of "pepperoni," using a long "i" sound. 10. Say "Are you sure this is (Pizza Place)?" When they say yes, say "Well, so is this! You've got some explaining to do!" When finally offered proof that they are really (Pizza Place), start to cry and ask, "Do you know what it's like to be lied to?" 11. Ask to see a menu. 12. Say you'll be able to pay for this "when the Hollywood people call back." 13. Demand imperiously, "Do you have ANY IDEA what is at stake with this pizza?!" 14. Order two toppings, then say, "No, they'll start fighting." 15. Punctuate your sentences with exclamations such as "Great Caesar's Ghost" and "Jesus Joseph and Mary in Tinsel Town." 16. Start the conversation by reciting the date and time, and saying, "This may be my last entry." 17. Sing the order to the tunes of songs from Metallica's "Master of Puppets" album: "Chop your pizza on a mirror!"; "Master! Master! Put hot sausages on my pizza!"; or "Gimme Pizza! You will do what I say, when I say Gimme Pizza!" 18. Give your order, then state firmly, "And that's as far as this relationship is going to get." 19. Ask for a deal available from a different pizza chain (e.g., if phoning Domino's, ask for a CheeserCheeser) 20. When listing toppings you want on your pizza, include another pizza. Repeat this nested loop until asked to stop, then explain that you got "stuck." 21. Learn to play a blues riff on the harmonica. Stop talking at regular intervals to play it. 22. Learn to imitate a celebrity's voice. Stress that you won't take any crap from some two-bit can't-hack-it pimple-faced gofer. 23. Attempt to teach the order-taker a secret code. Use the code on all subsequent orders. 24. When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated again, change it again. On the third time, say "You just don't get it, do you?" 25. When they say "Will that be all?", snicker and say "We'll find out, won't we?" 26. Order with a Speak-n-Spell. 27. If order-taker suggests a side order, ask why s/he is punishing you. 28. Get taker's name. Later, call exactly on the hour to say, "This is your (time of day) wake-up call, (So-and-so)." 29. If any of the above practices are rejected by the order taker, say, in your poutiest voice, "LAST guy let me do it..." 42 ways to annoy your parents 1. Follow them around the house everywhere... 13 FUN THINGS TO DO AT THE MALL 1. Every time the speaker comes on scream at the top of your lungs "their back." 2. Bring a scooter and zoom around. Ask someone at a store where you can park your scooter. 3. Go to a store and grab 20 of the same shirts. when the cashier tells you the price scream holy cow and tell him to put them all back. 4. Buy a smoothie and tell a random person to hold it and walk away. See how long it takes before they throw it away. 5. After they do walk up and scream in their faces "wheres my smoothie!?" 6. Stand inside a store and when someone walks through tell them your our 4th customer today heres your prize hand them the nearest clothes. 7. Walk up to a random person and say "I havent seen you in forever" then give them a hug. 8. When they say they don't know you tell them you were best friends in the 1st grade 9. Repeat said process when the security guard comes 10. Switch all the size tage and hangers around. 11.Ask a random person in the food court if you can have a french fry. 12. run up the down escalator 13. put all the shoes in different boxes so they are mismatched What High School Musical has Taught Us 1. If you wish to show your inability or dislike for dancing, it's perfectly reasonable to break out in a dance number. 2. College? It's not important, as long as you can hang out with your friends. 3. If your love is strong enough, fireworks will go off, and lanterns will fly away as you and your boyfriend kiss. 4. Playing sports is a hint that it's time to break into song. 5. Don't worry about being rude/mean because in the end things will work out for you. 6. School spirit is a must. Especially during the summer. 7. Your friends are not human and should always be addressed by the name of their school mascot. 8. Yes! You can paint your locker pink! Screw the school board. 9. You can be a chef, lifeguard, or golf assistant...no experience needed! 10. A guy can never wear too much bronzer. 11. Lakes are the equilivant of mirrors. They can show your reflection perfectly! 12. It is possible to memorize a 3 minute song over the course of 30 seconds...and sing it perfectly! 13. It doesn't matter that you're not a staff member... You can still attend any and all staff events. 14. The phrase 'more moves than an octopus in a wrestling match' is something that can be used in everyday conversation 15. There are two bells that get you out of school. The first one tells you to start singing and dancing, the second announces you should stop. 16. Even though its the last day of school, its okay to leave stuff in the locker for the summer. 17. If your family is 'saving pennies' for your college education and gives you a junky truck to drive because they 'can't afford anything else', it is normal for their kitchen to have expensive granite counter tops and a 7,000 fridge. 18. Pianos can float now. Go ahead, try it. 19. It's perfectly acceptable for a guy to wear girl's capris. 20. If you're upset, just run through a golf course, jumping and spinning, while singing 'Bet on it'...you won't fall at any point, and no one will stop and think 'what the flip?'. 21. You can send telepathic messages to your mom to tell her to pick you up just as you're finishing your breakup song with your boyfriend. 22. A resort can be highly successful when there are way more employees than guests. 23. 'And she stepped on the ball' is actually quite funny. You just need to put it into context. 24. One family can apparently control an entire city, including all educational institutions in the area. 25. It's good manners to refer to your mother as a 'backstabber' 26. Turkey imported from Maine is much better than any other turkey. In fact, it's fabulous... 27. Apparently, it is now possible to hire an entire high school to be the staff at an upscale country club. 28. Iced tea from England is blue 29. Water Bug is a really cute, funny, and romantic pet name. -gags- Gah, my god, Rowsely... 30. Being a teenage paparazzi at school and taking multiple pictures of the same two people is not weird or creepy in any way 31 .When your girlfriend tells you that your shoes don't match your tie, you must do a stupid looking surfer move to see if she's right, you can't just look down. 32. Take two small saucepan lids and bang them together. You'll find they make the exact same sound as a large GONG. Go on, have a go. 33. It IS possible to have any object in the world come in pink & engraved with your initials. 34. If you are the basketball star of your school, you can get yourself, as well as the rest of the school, summer jobs. 35. Lava Springs apparently had no employees, since they had to hire a whole new staff. 36. Don't change your friends, change your dreams. 37. 'What team?' 'Wildcats!''GET YOUR HEAD IN THE GAME!' can fix any problem. 38. Basketball scholarships at the University of Albuquerque depend completely on your musical performance skills 39. Guitars and speaker equipment can be placed near a pool safely. 40.When you frolic with your girlfriend in the golf course, you get in trouble. When you frolic by yourself and sing, nothing happens, of course. What to Do During an Exam 1. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got the secret documents!!" 2. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm SOOO sure that you can hear me thinking." Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is. 3. Bring a Game Boy. Play with the volume at max level. 4. On the answer sheet find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative. 5. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say "They've found me, I have to leave the country" and run off. 6. 15 min. into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry Christmas." If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every 15 min. 7. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and nothing else. 8. Come down with a BAD case of Tourette's Syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar as possible. 9. Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you. 10. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it. 11. Every 5 min. stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the exam. 12. Turn in the exam approx. 30 min. into it. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was. 13. Get the exam. 20 min into it, throw your papers down violently, scream out "Screw this!" and walk out triumphantly. 14. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (ie. Threaten the instructor that whether or not everyone's done, they are all leaving after one hour to go ice skating.) 15. Show up completely insane (completely insane means at some point during the exam, you should start crying for mommy). 16. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day. 17. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 min, put on a white mask and start yelling "I'm here, the phantom of the opera" until they drag you away. 18. If the exam is math/sciences related, make up the longest proofs you could possible think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life story. 19. Try to get people in the room to do a wave. 20. Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right next to you. Pray to it often. Consider a small sacrifice. 21. During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs, anything you can reach. 22. Puke into your exam booklet. Hand it in. Leave. 23. Take 6 packages of rice cakes to the exam. Stuff at least 2 rice cakes into your mouth at once. Chew, then cough. Repeat if necessary. 24. Act spazzy 25. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About 5 min into it, loudly say to the instructor, "I don't understand ANY of this. I've been to every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who the heck are you? Where's the regular guy?" 26. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make one up! 27. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out. 28. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!" 29. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the instructor's requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River Kai. 30. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her. 31. In the middle of the test, have a friend rush into the classroom, tag your hand, and resume taking your test for you. When the teacher asks what's going on, calmly explain the rules of Tag Team Testing to him/her. 32. Bring cheat sheets FOR ANOTHER CLASS (make sure this is obvious... like history notes for a calculus exam... otherwise you're not just failing, you're getting kicked out too) and staple them to the exam, with the comment "Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit." 33. Stand up after about 15 minutes, and say loudly, "Okay, let's double-check our answers! Number one, A. Number two, C. Number three, E..." 34. Fake an heart attack. When interrupted, apologize, and explain that question #_ moved you, deeply. 35. Wear a superman outfit under your normal clothes. 30 minutes into the exam, jump up and answer your phone, shouting "What? I'm on my way!!". rip off your outer clothes and run out of the room. Strike a pose first for added effect. 36. Tailgate outside the classroom before the exam. 37. If your answers are on a scan tron sheet, fill it out in pen. 38. Bring a giant cockroach into the room and release it on a girly-girl nearby. 39. Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90 degree angle. 40. Bring one pencil with a very sharp point. Break the point off your pencil. Sharpen the pencil. Repeat this process for one hour. 41. Make Strange noises... get people to stare... look at the person next to you as if he/she did it. 42. Dress like the professor. 43. Cross-Dress. 44. Use Invisible Ink to answer the whole exam. 45. Order catering. The catering company should come in about halfway through the test, and should include at least three waiters, eight carts of food, and five candelabras. Stupid Things (the bold are mine): 1. Forgot to put the lid on the blender, turned it on, and had everything fly out | |||||||||
1. Stars and Spots: Book Two » reviewsSometimes you have to fight to get your happy ending, and you don't always win. Sometimes a friendship can change, and not always for the better. Sometimes when things seem like they can't get any worse, it does. But there's always that light in life that makes you keep going. R&R!StarTrek: Deep Space Nine - Rated: T - English - Romance/Adventure - Chapters: 6 - Words: 8,853 - Reviews: 21 - Updated: 5-16-13 - Published: 4-27-13 - J. Bashir & Ezri D.2. Stars and Spots: Book One » reviewsEven on a space station, love is never easy. Ezri and Julian attempt to build a life together, no matter what odds they may face. Will they get their happily ever after? Meanwhile, a former soldier with a violent history tries to find her peace. Can she cope with this post-Dominion world? R&R!StarTrek: Deep Space Nine - Rated: T - English - Romance/Adventure - Chapters: 17 - Words: 35,798 - Reviews: 52 - Updated: 4-26-13 - Published: 12-22-12 - J. Bashir & Ezri D. - Complete3. Catch Me When I Fall » reviewsThis was supposed to be a happy time, where May and Drew could be together. But now... Everything's taken a turn for the worse, and they have no idea how to fix it. But as long as they have each other, everything will be okay.Pokémon - Rated: T - English - Adventure/Romance - Chapters: 4 - Words: 13,454 - Reviews: 27 - Updated: 10-5-12 - Published: 3-24-12 - Drew/Shū & May/Haruka4. Remember reviewsIn memory of Brian Jacques. A little late, but it's the thought that counts.Redwall - Rated: K - English - Poetry/Hurt/Comfort - Chapters: 1 - Words: 145 - Reviews: 4 - Published: 7-19-11 - Complete5. Dark Forest Meetings » reviewsThese are short stories about what happens when a creature dies. I know the summary sucks, I know. If you have any ideas, let me know. No flames! R&R!Redwall - Rated: K - English - Chapters: 11 - Words: 5,839 - Reviews: 54 - Updated: 4-16-11 - Published: 6-5-086. Return To Noonvale reviewsThe warriors that fought at Marshank have returned to Noonvale, bringing with them new friends and old ones. They also bring home the saddest of news. An epilouge to Martin the Warrior. Flames will burn down Mossflower. R&R!Redwall - Rated: K+ - English - Hurt/Comfort - Chapters: 1 - Words: 3,503 - Reviews: 6 - Published: 10-23-10 - Brome - Complete7. Broken Tears » reviewsIt's been one season since Gulo the Savage attacked Redwall. Mossflower is peaceful again. But when a vermin hoard arrives to seek revenge on Redwall's Champion, will Redwall prevail? A Rakkety Tam FanFic. R&R!Redwall - Rated: K+ - English - Adventure - Chapters: 10 - Words: 4,654 - Reviews: 18 - Updated: 10-21-10 - Published: 5-4-08 - Complete8. Jocasta's Pain reviewsCan't really think of a good summary. Basically it's a poem about how Jocasta died. Enjoy!Oedipus the King - Rated: K+ - English - Tragedy/Angst - Chapters: 1 - Words: 200 - Reviews: 9 - Published: 10-11-10 - Complete9. Darkheart's Journey » reviewsBack in the Old Forest, a ShadowClan kit was found on the Thunderpath and taken in by ThunderClan, She is now Darkheart and longs to know more about her past. Will her findings destroy the Clans? Flames will be used to burn the forest. R&R!Warriors - Rated: K+ - English - Adventure/Mystery - Chapters: 3 - Words: 4,394 - Reviews: 6 - Updated: 9-13-10 - Published: 7-15-0910. StarClan Meetings » reviewsThese are short stories about what happens when cats go to StarClan. Flames will be flushed down the toliet! Let me know if you have any ideas. R&R!Warriors - Rated: K - English - Chapters: 2 - Words: 1,005 - Reviews: 3 - Updated: 2-9-10 - Published: 9-27-0811. My Lost Love reviewsYou remember in "Redwall" how the rats stole Martin's tapestry? Well, here's what I think happened during that time. Martin/Rose. R&R!Redwall - Rated: K - English - Hurt/Comfort/Romance - Chapters: 1 - Words: 231 - Reviews: 7 - Published: 5-4-08 - Martin the Warrior & Laterose - Complete
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