Bookstores are the only evidence that people are still thinking.

My boyfriend's-FANFICTION.NET/~EdwardMC

My name is Delilah Maryann Grock, I'm 14, I put my face in the cake on June 1, my eyes are hazel, hair is black (but its dyed...shh). I live in California, I like rock, metal, and some pop, I like to snowboard, surf, and listen to music. But I LOVE to read, act, write, and of course hang with my weirdos and my awesome boyfriend. I'm Mexican American, I think I'm kinda Italian, too.
A little more about me: I tend to get side tracked and say stupid random stuff, its just who i am, so my stories may be a little...confusing. I don't trip, but I, like, stumble. Over nothing and everything and I'm not exactly what you would call 'smart' I'm just special that way.

They say "Guns don't kill people, people kill people." Well I think the guns help. If you stood there and yelled 'BANG', I don't think you'd kill to many people.

OH MY FREAKING GOD, I MOVED!
Yes, my father decided it'd be a good idea to ruin my life so now I live like an hour away from Edward, go to a totally different school where I am FAR from fitting in, guys fliting and trying to get me, SOME cool friends, stupid retarded teachers. BLAH! I hate it but I might live, cus I still go back to Edward and the gang every weekend, I can. So, please forgive me for my long absence, maybe making you think I died by falling in front of a car. I assure, that I am still, sadly, living and will update everything as soon as possible. Please, guys, bare with me.

Randomness of my life.

You are mine and no one elses. - Edward

Is that so? - Me

Yes.- Edward

And what if I said, no? - Me

You'd still be mine. All mine. - Edward

I could live with that. - Me

I fucking love you. No matter what you say. I will never leave you, if I have a choice. - Edward

What are you doing, dude?! - Me

The sand. It feels so good. - Johnny

EWWW! - Me

You like my pervertiveness don't you?! - Justin

Well, I put it in that head of yours. Of course, I do. - Me

Whats that on your face? - Me

I think its...UGLY! - Diana

I miss you guys! - Me (phone)

(speaker) Thats right bitch you better! - Diana

We miss you a shitload, too, Delilah! - Andrea

It just aint the same without you! - Brandon

WHY are we moving again!? - Me

'Cus i said so - Dad

Since when did you HATE me? You know, just curious - Me

What are you doing? - Neice

Noneya bidness. - Me

What? - Neice

Go away, before I kick your ass. Better? - Me

Hey, your Delilah right? - (Chick at new school) Nicole

No, I am the new girl - Me

That, too. - Nicole

Hey, baby, wanna go out? - (Douche at new school)

Look at my face. Does it LOOK like I want to go out with YOU? - Me

I was hit on by this dumbass, today. - Me

Well, its 'cus your so hot. - Edward

I burned myself. - Me

How? - Andrea

Let me guess. Lighter? - Brandon

How did you KNOW? - Me

I dont like you. - Me

Eww! Don't eat off the ground, honey! - Debbie

Five second rule, auntie! - Me

That doesn't even exist! It's unsanitary! - Debbie

I do it all the time -Me

Blaise, doesn't it bother you that your daughter eats things off the ground? - Debbie

Nope - Dad

Hey! Uncle Jake does it too! - Me

Jacob! - Debbie

Safety - Andrea

You're disgusting - Me

When are you coming? - Diana

I dont KNOW. When are YOU coming? - Me

When no ones around. - Diana

Too much INFO! We're besties but I didnt need to know that! - Me

Psh, well you asked. - Diana

Stop touching me! - Me

Do you skate? - (ANOTHER kid at school) Dylan

Have you seen me walk straight, dude? - Me

Right. No, I haven't. - Dylan

My point exactly. - Me

Dude your PE teacher is fiiiiiiine. - Andrea

Okay, ewwww. - Me

Agh, Delilah your cousin is hot! - Nicole

Thats...gross? - Me

You always wear such dark colors. Someone die? - (Chick at new school) Gabby

Yes. My SPIRIT! Now back off! - me

My boyfriend's name is Edward. - Me

If you didnt want to go out with me, you could have just said so. - (Dude at school) Chris

I'm not lying! His name really is Edward! - Me

O...M...Z. - Me

Whats that mean? - Dylan

Oh my zucchini. Derrrrr. - Me

You're gonna hurt yourself, playing with that- - Dad

SO!? - Me

(My house) Damn, look at this place! - Ivan

Like I have a choice. - Me

What? Why? - Andrea

Uhm, I LIVE here? - Me

Riiiiiiiiiiight. - Ivan

I have no idea what you just said. - Me

You have pretty eyes. - Guy hitting on me at school

They're fake. - Me

What? - Dude

Contacts, dumbass. - Me

You're the reason, I need a new phone every two months - Me

Your welcome - Andrea & Edward

I have a B in Science - Me

Smartass - Diana

Lunch)Will you stop screaming? - Ivan

It's what I do - Me

Nah, you trip over things - Andrea

And hurt people - Brandon

I'm failing math, dad - Me

Good luck with that - Dad

Can I have money? - Me

I ain't your daddy - Uncle Jake

But you're like my second daddy! - Me

It's still no - Uncle Jake

DADDY! - Me

Edward! I squished a bug! - Me

Then why do you look sad? - Edward

Because! What if it had a family? It never harmed anyone! - Me

He hugs me) Honey, he wanted to do if he got in YOUR way - Edward

Oh, that makes sense... - Me

Big words scare me - Me

What the freaking doodle - Diana

...I'm weird that way - Me

And many others - Brandon

Why are guys so emotional? - Me

I am not not! - Edward

LIAR! WE'RE not EMOTIONAL! - Brandon

Sure - Me

Stop talking so loud! - Chad(Backstage in Drama, rehearsal)

We're girls. We're allowed to - Me

You weirdo - Nathan

I'm a drama student, I can be much weirder. Don't try me - Me

Get off me - me

Don't touch that - Me

Why not? - Ivan

'Cause i said not to - Me

Kick his ass! - Diana

Your mother - Edward

Stop doing that! - Me

Bite me - Ivan - Ow! Not literally!

They don't have that at Walmart - Andrea

And Walmart has everything! - Me

Only fags run around in circles - Brandon

My house at night) Stop touching me and go to sleep - Me

I'm not touching you. Want me to? - Edward

Seriously, who's touching me? - Me

Not me - Brandon, Ivan, Andrea, and Diana

I look down) AHHHH! A SPIDER! GET IT OFF, GET IT OFF! - Me

Life is like ass, ever body is either covering it, laughing it off, kicking it, kissing it, trying to get a piece of it or simply just being one - Me

That is like so true! - Andrea

Possible one of the smartest things you've said in a while - Brandon

Shut up you ass - Me

You sound like a dying cow - Justin

I hate you - Me

Aww, I was just kidding! - Justin

I'm sick - Me

What? - Andrea

I'm sick - Me

Is that what you call it? - Brandon

Fudgesicle - Me

Fudgesicle? New word? - Justin

Yep and its awesome! - Me

I see London, I see France i see Del's underpants! - Brandon

You have never seen London or France, only Italy. And that was with me. - Me

Del! Shhhh, i see your undies alrite? - Brandon

Whats the big deal? I seen her in her undies all the time - Diana

With like nothing else. - Andrea

Hot damn - Edward

Your guys are perves - Me

I'm cereal! - Me

I'm fruit loops - Justin

I'm fruity pebbles - Me

Your a whore - Me

I know - Justin

But your a cool whore. Only my friends are cool whores - Me

Yay! Ok, I'm your whore- Justin

I love you, you idiot - Me

I love you too, Del - Justin

You are a shining lighthouse in the bay of stupidity - Me

If you guys wake me up again, I will not be happy, and THEN we'll see who has the TEMPER! - Me

Our family is insane. - Me

That means you are, too. - Neice (Britny)

You say that like its a bad thing! - Me

Haha, meeting Dylan.

(Movies)Why is there so many hot guys here? - Andrea

'Cus they live here? - Me

But WHY here? - Andrea

How many times have we discusssed this? I am not PHYSCIC! - Me

Far from it, babe. - Brandon

Shut up. - Me

Dammmn, look at that fine peice of ass!- Ivan

Pervert. - Diana

Its natural, honey. - Edward

Natural for him to be stalking a poor girl with his eyes? - Me

Well, when you put it like that... - Edward

You were just looking at guys, too! - Ivan

Ahem. We didnt say anything about their asses. - Andrea

Which are pretty nice. - Diana

You are so not helping. - Me

Whatever. Look at him! Shiiiiiit. - Diana

Hey, i know him. - Me

Who is he? - Edward

You so have to introduce me! - Andrea

Back off, I saw him first! - Diana

Wrong, I did, ha. - Me

Delilah! - Andrea, Diana

Dylan! Hey, over here! - Me

(he runs over,) Hey, Del. (hugs me) - Dylan

Watcha doin' here? - Me

Just gona catch a movie. - Dylan

Who are you here with? - Me

Just a few friends. - Dylan - You?

My buddies from Anaheim. - Me - Andrea, Diana, Brandon, Ivan and my boyfriend Edward.

Hey. - Diana

Hi! - Andrea

Hello. - Dylan - Well, I'll see you later, cool?

Mhm, byebye - Me

BITCH! - Diana

What? - Me

He left! - Diana

Yes, he did. - Me - Didnt you see his face? You-

Yes, i saw his face! I saw his body, too. Mmmmm. - Dylan

He has such a nice smile. - Andrea

Yeah, I know! - Me - Anyway, I was referring to, uhm, you guys FREAKED him out.

Nu uh! - Diana, Andrea

Anyway, if you girls are done drooling over that guy over there, lets go see the damn movie, yeah? - Edward

Dont be jealous, baby. - Me

Blah. - Edward

Halloween!

Where are we changing? - Diana

Here, no? - Me

What about us? - Ivan

Go to Edward's, it's closest - Diana

Then we'll leave like at 7 - Me

Why so early? - Ivan

We're having the party at my house remember? - Brandon

Oh yeah - Ivan

Douche - Diana

Your mother - Ivan

That's my mom too, you dumbass! - Brandon

You guys shut up - Me

What are you doing? - Edward

Texting, Kaye. - Me

Isn't that, the chick you showed me on your phone? - Ivan

The one from Fanfiction? - Andrea

Yep - Me

Oh, cool - Edward

EDWARD! Get off! - Me

No, your comfortable - Edward

Edward, I swear to god if you don't get the fuck off me- -Me

Dude, you're killing her - Brandon

Uhhhh, god, do you know how heavy you are? - Me - Get off!

That's a good thing - Edward

Not if you want me to keep breathing! - me

Eddie, get off - Andrea

You son of bitch! IVAN! Get off! - Me

She is comfortable - Ivan

I can't breath - Me

Brandon help her! - Andrea

That's my boob! Pervert! - Me

Ivan stop touching her boob, she's MY girlfriend! - Edward

That's you, dumbass - Ivan

Oh. Woops. - Edward

Get. OFF! - Me (I pushed them off of me onto the floor, I was on my bed)

Ivan get off me - Edward

Eh - Ivan

God, they're heavy! - Me

My turn! - Diana (She jumps on Ivan and Edward on the floor)

What are you kids doing? - Dad

Nooooooooothing - Me, Edward, Ivan, Diana, Andrea, Brandon

Whores, hos, sluts, or bitches

Cici is a bitch - Diana

Nah, she's a ho - Ivan

Anita is a slut - Me

Eh, she's not that bad, more like a bitch - Edward

Shut up, Edward - Andrea

Psh. Your a whore - Edward

Guys. Back to the subject. Stephenie is a bitch - Me

Ugh! Totally - Andrea

Oh! You know who I hate!? - Diana

Yea, Brianna - Me

Ewww, she's a slut! - Brandon

I'm glad you see that, Brandon, you make me proud - Me

Ok. Anyway, Priscilia is a bitch and a whore - Andrea

Why? - Edward

Why not just make her a slut and ho too? - Ivan

Gosh, you guys know nothing! - Andrea

OK, she's not a slut or ho, because she hasnt even had a boyfriend. - me

And she is a whore because she wants one, and tries to get one by showing her ass - Diana

Yours is much better, babe - Edward

Thank you. Stop looking at my ass - Me

Eh, - Edward

Aubrey is a Bitch - Diana

Totally! Aubrey is a fucking whore and a slut. Hell she's a ho, too - Me

And we have a winner - Brandon

Let's talk about something else - Andrea

Cooooold

I cold - Me

You are wearing shorts - Andrea

Really!? - Me

Gos, you look so cute! - Edward

Sure, but I'm cold! - Me

Well, why are you wearing shorts! - Andrea

Member, Theresa dared me to dress girly - Me - Fuck, I'm cold!

Okay, fine, here -Brandon(gave me his sweater)

Shouldn't Edward have given you his sweater? - Diana

He's not wearing one! He has long sleeve - Me

Sorry, baby - Edward

is ok - Me - Gimmie a hug

And a kiss? - Edward

'Kay - Me

Nathan

Oh my god - Me

What? - Edward

Diana, Brandon and Andrea, it's Nathan oh shit it's Nathan - Me

No way! - Andrea

Oo, where where? - Diana

The new kid? - Brandon

Yea, look at his face! LOOK at his FACE! - Me

Holy shit it is him!

Nathan! - Andrea

Oh, hey cupcake! Dude, Whats up, Brandon! Hey, baby Del! - Nathan

Ahhhh, Blinker! - Me

Hey, dont' call me that! - Nathan

(I laughed) Nat this is Edward my boyfriend, Babe, this is Nathan we've been friends since like third grade - Me

Hey, dude - Nathan (they did the fist thingy guys do)

Hey - Edward

Stupid convo, one afternoon wid my frends

My mirror just...broke - Me

Your gonna die! - Diana

Dude, when a mirror breaks your gonna have bad luck, not die - Edward

Wat if she dies cuz she has bad luk? - Diana

Well then she's screwed - Ivan

Thanks so much - Me

For wat? Oh...I get it! - Ivan

Anyway, it doesnt count if BRANDON threw his shoe at it, now does it!? - Me

Liar! - Brandon

I saw you, dumbass - Me

Maybe you're just seeing things - Brandon

I doubt that - Me

By the way you look hott with your glasses, Del - Edward

Yea she's wearing her glasses - Andrea

Ow, bitch, why'd you're throw her brush at me? - Andrea

What? It wasnt me - Me

Yea it wasn't her, or me - Diana

Before you say anything. NO it wasnt me - Brandon

Edward you dumbass - Me

Thank you - Edward

Your welcome babe - Me

Ow! Who hit me with Delilahs book? - Edward

Me - Ivan

You guys are dorks - Me

My freinds -

Diana -(My other sister)Known her since 4th grade) 5'3, black shoulder hair, brown eyes, pretty pale, stupid at times, gothic, depressed a lot, just weird.

Andrea - (Like my sister)3th grade) 5'4 Dora black hair, lite brown skin, stupid, random, crazy, brown eyes, always happy, takes things TOO literally.

Ivan - (My bueno amigo)7th grade) 5'6, black spiky hair, skater, stupid, funny, brown eyes, kinda dark skin.

Dylan - (Best bud at new school) 5'6, brown-red hair, beautiful SMILE, athletic, jock, hazel eyes, freckles, funny, kind, nice, kinda a smartass.

Brandon - (My best guy friend)4th grade) bout 5'8, black hair, blue-green eyes, skater punk, special, random, peachy color skin.

Edward - (My boyfriend, who I ADORE!)7th grade) - I guess, bout 5'10 black curly nose length hair, overprotective, weird, sweet, random, funny, jumpy, daring, gets in trouble a lot, doesn't care what people think(but me, or so he tells me)bright green eyes, skater, rocker, lite tan, Hot.

Nathan - (My weirdo amigo) 3d grade) Black, brownish curly hair, 5'8, brown eyes. wierdo, funny, cant keep his mouth shut, talks back, stupid, skater type, peachy skin.

Justin - (My buddy!) end of 7th grade) light brown short hair, 5'5, super dark brown eyes, freaking hilarious, cute, light skin, skater, weird, always makes me happy.

Since I'm strange. That's who I am. I also have my own stupid/random phrases that i tend to say. HERE THEY ARE!

If you have ever said ‘cross over to the dark side. We have cookies!’ to someone you know, copy this into your profile

Come to the dark side . . . WE HAVE COOKIES!

What happens in the case of the cat and the mouse if the cat is retarded?

Have you ever heard that stupidity is a virus? Careful you might catch it! Ahh, too late...

Shove it in, shove it in.

Some people don’t drink and drive. Other people don’t drink and fuck

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Whoever said nothing is impossible, never tried to slam a revolving door.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

I don't suffer from insanity I enjoy every minute of it.

Perfection is a waste of time.

Engineering: 'How will this work?' Science:'Why will this work?' Management: 'When will this work? Liberal Arts:'Do you want fries with that?

Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; I'm not sure about the universe.

You laugh because I'm different. I laugh because you're all the same.

Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. It's just that yours is stupid.

I blame my attitude on videogames

There is stupid coming out of your mouth hole again

God made man, and then he said, "I can do better than that," and made women.

So many boys, so many reasons to stay alone

I didn't mean to hurt your feelings...I was aiming for your face

Vampires vs. Werewolves...It's kinda like pirates vs ninjas, but cooler

I'm the kind of person that walks into a door and apologizes.

Heaven doesnt wan't me and Hell is afraid I'll take over.

When you’re down I may not be able to pick you back up, but I promise I’ll be willing to lay down right next to you

Death is God's way of saying you're fired. Suicide is humans way of saying you can't fire me, I quit

Tired of living and scared of dying

Scared to remember, terrified to forget

I hear your silence loud and clear

Children in frontseats can lead to accidents. Accidents in backseats can lead to children.

Why do today what you could put off till tomorrow?

How can i miss you if you never left?

I'm not with stupid anymore!

Education is important, school however, is another matter.

Always forgive your enemies - Nothing annoys them more

Join The Army, Visit exotic places, meet strange people, and then kill them.

Don’t mess with me I've got a stick.

I used to be normal, until I met the freaks that I call my friends (and boyfriend!)

Boys are like Slinky's, useless, but fun to watch fall down the stairs.

Boys are like purses: cute, full of crap, and always replaceable

Boys are like skateboards, they can go fast but usually there pretty slow.

Boys are like knives, usefull but they'll cut you eventually. (cough, cough Edward cough, cough)

If at first you don't succeed, don't try skydiving.

I called your boyfriend gay and he hit me with his purse

You cry, I cry, you laugh, I laugh, you fall off a cliff, I laugh even harder.

You say I'm not cool. But cool is another word for cold. If I'm not cold, I'm hot. I know I'm hot. Thanks for embracing it.

Evening News is where they begin with "Good Evening" then proceed to tell you why it isn't

I can only please on person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow's not looking good, either.

Don't follow in my footsteps, I tend to walk into walls

Men are like parking spots, the good ones are taken and the free ones are handicapped. There are no stupid questions, just stupid people.

What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere?
'Hold my purse.'

93 percent of American teens would have a severe emotional breakdown if someone called them a freak. If you're a part of the 7 percent who would ask the person,"What was your first clue?", copy this into your profile and add your name to the list: Lola, Heather, Chris, Delilah, Edward, Diana, Brandon, Ivan, Andrea.

Benefits of being a woman-
Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin & gorgeous. Guys look like complete idiots in ours.
We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.
We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
We have enough sense to realize that the easiest way to get out of being lost is to ask for directions.

He Said: I don't know why you wear a bra, you have nothing to put in it.

She Said: You wear pants don't you?

People often ignore the simple things in life. If someone really annoys you, it takes 42 muscles to frown. On the other hand, it only takes 4 muscles to reach over and bitch slap that mutha fucker upside the head.

I understand that Scissors can beat Paper, and I get how Rock can beat Scissors, but there's no way Paper can beat Rock. Is Paper supposed to magically wrap around Rock leaving it immobile? If so, why can't paper do this to scissors? Screw scissors, why can't paper do this to people? Why aren't sheets of college ruled notebook paper constantly suffocating students as they attempt to take notes in class? I'll tell you why, because paper can't beat anybody, a rock would tear that crap up in two seconds. When I play rock/ paper/ scissors, I always choose rock. Then when somebody claims to have beaten me with their paper I can punch them in the face with my ready made fist and say, oh, I'm sorry, I thought paper would protect you, geez!

For me, crazy is a loose term. Crazy is when you stare at a pencil and laugh when someone asks you what you are doing that is so interesting about the eraser. Crazy is when you have an hour-long sob fest, and then start singing and dancing when your favorite song comes on. Crazy is when you do or say a completely random thing, like "Do you ever wonder where the eraser bits go?" or having a thumb war with yourself. Crazy is when you type up all your favorite sayings, print them off and tape them to your wall, just for something to do. Crazy is when you memorize the complete biographies and physical traits of every character in Twilight (or almost, at least). Crazy is when you write Emmett or Edward Cullen is hot on your homework instead of doing it. Crazy is when you fill up the tab separators in your binders withe doodles/love notes/confessions of love/any other Twilight related thing you can think of about Twilight or the Twilight characters. Crazy is when you can open up Twilight and know exactly which part you're at by reading one word. Crazy is when you print out copies of all the twilight series covers and put them on the wall of your closet. Crazy is when you buy a paperback copy of Twilight before you get a hardcover, so that after the cover falls off from reading it 52 time, you can go back and underline every time you see the amazingly beautiful name "Edward." Crazy is when you go to the book stores just to see how many copies of Twilight you can find. Crazy is when you save the extras and deleted parts of the Twilight series, so you can read them later. If you're crazy, copy this onto your profile and add something crazy you've done to the list!

Comebacks to crappy pickup lines!-(Hilarious)

Man: "I know how to please a woman."
Woman: "Then please leave me alone."

Man: "I want to give myself to you."
Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."

Man: "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy:
Woman: "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing".

Man: "Your body is like a temple."
Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today."

Man: "I'd go through anything for you."
Woman: "Good! Let's start with your bank account."

Man: "I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: "Yes, but would you stay there?

Man: "So, wanna go back to my place ?"
Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"

Man: "Your place or mine?"
Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."

Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."

Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."

Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman: "I'm a female impersonator."

Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"
Woman: "Do not Enter"

Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman: "Unfertilized !"

Man: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason"
Woman: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"

Man: "Haven't we met before?"
Woman: "Perhaps. I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic."

Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."

Man: "Is this seat empty?"
Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."

One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem: my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?"

"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg."

In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.

"Jesus!" Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the hatpin.

"Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Jones.

"God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.

"Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr. Jones had winked off again. However, this time, the minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her husband with the hatpin again.

The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?"

Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that goddamned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half and shove it up your ass!"

"Amen," replied the congregation.

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished
cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3 . My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of
next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the
store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught t me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't
have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION .
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that
way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

What a guy means, when he says some stuff-
"You know how bad my memory is!”
"I remember the theme song to 'F Troop,' the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned…but I forgot your birthday."

“Oh, don’t fuss, I just cut myself, it’s not big deal.”
"I have actually severed a limb but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."

“Take a breath honey. You work too hard.
"I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"It‘s a guy thing"
"There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"Can I help with dinner?"
"Why isn't it already on the table?"

"It would take too long to "
"I have no idea how it works."

"I cant find it."
"It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

Edward knows what you're thinking without you saying anything
Emmett can make you laugh, with the stupidest things
But Jasper can make you feel happy just being in the same room.

How convenient

Emmett's the strongest,

Edward's the fastest,

But Jasper can sit alone in a corner and still make people laugh.

shit happens.

10 Commandments of a Teenager

1) Thou shall not sneak out when parents are sleeping.
(why wait that long)
2) Thou shall not do drugs.
(alcohol lasts longer, not to mention being cheaper.)
3) Thou shall not steal from K-Mart.
(Walmart has a bigger selection)
4) Thou shall not be arrested for vandalism.
(destruction has a bigger effect, I can tell you all about this)
5) Thou shall not steal from your parents.
(everyone knows grandma has more money)
6) Thou shall not get into fights.
(Cat fight anyhow...just start them.)
7) Thou shall not skip class.
(just take the whole day off)
8) Thou shall not strip in class.
(Hooters pays more)
9) Thou shall not think about having sex.
(like Nike says, "just do it")
10) Thou shall not help old ladies across the street.
(just leave'm in the middle)

A simple friend wonders about your romantic history. A real friend could blackmail you with it.
A simple friendship is over when you have an argument. A real friend calls you after you had a fight.
A simple friend expects to always be there for them. A real friend expects to always be there for you.

My best friends are the kind that if my house were on fire, they'd be roasting marsh mellows and flirting with the firemen
Good friends will pick you up when your fall, BEST FRIENDS will push you back down and laugh
Good friends ask why you're crying, BEST FRIENDS already have the shovel ready to bury the loser that made you cry
Good friends will say you can do better, BEST FRIENDS will call him up and say "You have seven days to live"
Good friends will help you with your drug problem, BEST FRIENDS are the ones who sold it to you
A good friend will bail you out of jail, a great friend will be sitting next to you in your cell going "We fucked up, huh?"
Good friends dont let you do stupid things, BEST FRIENDS don't let you do stupid things ALONE