You are now entering the realm of Jarrtail. Cash only, please.

A bit about me:

I'm a teenager living in South Texas ("104 degrees during the summer, not counting humidity!") who reads a bit more than is healthy, procrastinates, is rather cynical, and wears t-shirts of questionable sanity. My writing is no where neat the best, and I most certainly appreciate concrit.

Possible Upcoming Fanfiction Projects,

Spring's End: sequel to Smoke. Trilogy planned.

Life As We Knew It, or To Lose A Sword: A rather interesting perspective on "If Rose Lived" fics. Without Martin, Mossflower lay for many seasons under the rule of Tsarmina. Desperate and losing hope, the woodlander resistance turns to the only beast that can save them: a disgruntled Kotir veteran by the name of Greenfang. With the aid of a sarcastic otter and a Loamhedge mouse, he might, just might, save them all. Or at least he couldn't make it any worse.

Authors of Note

Kelaiah: Nice guy, great writer, watches a bit too much opera and Broadway shows. His alter ego is probably the most famous in the fandom, though he is appearing to be in semi-retirement.

Jade TeaLeaf: Very friendly person, and author of one of the greatest Redwall fics ever published, The Chains that Bind Us. You should give her a read, if you haven't already.

LittlePsychoWolf: Do I really have to explain this one?

QuinlanofRedwall: This guy really ought to be a published author. Maybe he could continue Redwall is Jacques dies in the near future.

Bob Stage: This guy is a genius, but you're not giving him any reviews. What is wrong with you people?

NOTE: In the recent September 2009 issue of Terrouge e-zine, there was a story by one Geo Holmes titled "Regression." I urge you to read this ASAP. Don't ask. Just do it.

MY REDWALL ALTER EGO

Name: Jarrtail

Gender: Male

Species: Ferret

Personality: Rather cynical and sarcastic for a SueSlayer, who are traditionally a bit hyper and somewhat optimistic. Has a rather sharp mind and a certain amount of inventivness. Along with the ability to read extremely fast, that's where his talents end. Doesn't have a whole lot of physical strength or endurance, and he is not all that fast either.

Appearance: A little tall skinny, gray fur. He wears a pair of oval-shaped glasses, which are constantly slipping off or getting smudged. Always wears black or camouflage-colored t-shirt and sweatpants.

Weapon: Garlic-coated scimitar and daggers. Also will make a weapon out of anything on the ground, and does not balk at stealing weapons from dead enemies (or anything else, for that matter)

My Warriors Alter Ego

Name: Fisheyes

Gender: male

Personality: very distant, no one understands him.

Appearance: silver-gray fur with silver-blue eyes

Clan and Rank: LostClan, leader.

General info: He does not believe in StarClan. Also has almost zero tolerance for stupidity, rebellions, and cats going off doing inane plans without their leader's permission.

Shortcomings and Annoyances of Fanfictions

1. Chatspeak in stories. Use actual writing, darn it!

2. Sue Self-inserts. You're not perfect, why should yourself in the story be?

3. Blatant canon errors.

4. "I hate Ashfur, let's beat up on him" fics. Lay off on him, will ya?

5. Warriors truth or dare fics. The idea's been used a hundred frickin' times.

6. MartinxRose angst fics. You know, Martin gets all angsty about how he "wishes Rose was beck by his side," then a Sue-Rose-Reincarnates (or Sue-MartinLusterAuthor-mousemaid) pops up and "comforts" him. ROSE. IS. DEAD. She cannot come back to life unless you provide a canonical, logical, reason why she didn't die at Marshank. Got it?!

7. Gold weapons, armor, fur, etc. If I recall correctly, gold is sparsely mentioned in canon, and there is usually never near enough mentioned to make the armor/weapons descibed. As for gold fur, well that's just wrong.

Most people would be offended if someone asked them what was wrong with their mind. copy this into your pro if you would be one of the few people that would answer, "Where to begin?"

93 percent of American teens would have a severe emotional breakdown if someone called them a freak. If you're a part of the 7 percent who would ask the person, "What was your first clue?", copy this into your profile and add your name to the list: Sunlit Goddess of the C.O.C.A., Moonlit Goddess of the C.O.C.A., Evil Genius of the COCA, Invader Miley Phantom, dAnnYsGiRl777, BloodySalvation, Lady Lost-A- Lot, bellabookworm9, Bella Masen Cullen, SilverMoonArcher, lovelybella, rhythm of life, trueVaMpIrE, EverMindTheRuleOfThree, EmoVampire1893, Glitterpaw Of ThunderClan, Jarrtail,

My Favorite Quotes

"I could disembowel you, but what to do with eight meters of intestines?" -Bad Cat

"Reincarnation is my only hope" -Dilbert

"Of course I'm a lunatic! I'm an author!" -Inkspell