Alright, about me well I am an insane South Australian and a fan of Harry Potter, Monty python, Stargate (SG-1 and Atlantis), sarcasm, in any way shape or form, and The Simpsons. I also love anything strange and out of the ordinary. Also, before I registered I left a few reviews under the alias Random_Fan.

Fave characters: Almost anyone with a sarcastic streak, Jack O’Neill (Stargate), Dr. Cox (Scrubs), Daria (Daria), Gregory House (House M.D.). I also like insane character such as Deadpool (Marvel comics) and Luna (HP). I also really like Todd the wraith from Stargate Atlantis

I don't really have a fave ship, I’m not a fan of romance scenes and such and prefer to get to the action. That being said I do have ships I don't like, such as most slash. I don't have a problem with homosexuals but when two straight characters become gay for almost no reason it doesn't work for me. I know am forced to admit that I am a shipper of the Naru/Hina ship, this has been caused by a couple of really good fanfics involving the couple.

Fave books: Harry Potter, Any by Matthew Reilly and I am also a fan of the Animorphs series, I really have to read the rest, also the series of unfortunate events, those are surprisingly funny. I am currently trying to push myself to write a book for an idea I started having when I was about ten, it's changed so much only the names of three of the main characters is similar.

Fave TV shows: Besides those mentioned I am a big fan of Daria, Naruto, House M.D., Boston legal, Avatar, Ben 10 and NCIS, Gilmore Girls, Scrubs, Two and a half men, Heroes, etc However both Stargates are easily my favourites, SG-1 first then Atlantis, These shows will never move on my list, unless Universe overtakes Atlantis. My taste in T.V. tends toward the funny side, so most of my favourite shows have very funny moments. I watch very few serious shows and those are usually crime shows.

Fave Music: Most pop, rock and pop-rock. My favourite artist would be someone like Avril Lavigne or Pink. I do, however like the old school rock and roll, ACDC, KISS, Cold chisel.

Fave Movie: My favourite so far is Stargate Continuum. Naturally, this means the Ark of Truth comes second but no O’Neill means second place. Other favourite movies include Hoodwinked, The Rocky Horror Picture Show and Monty Python (though I haven’t seen The Meaning of Life yet). The two Gremlins movies are also up there; the second was funnier but there is something about the dark humour and originality, something that is missing from Hollywood nowadays, and who can’t forget the cute Mogwai? For those that don’t know a Mogwai is basically a live Furby, but Furbys came second so a Furby is a dead Mogwai.

Random stuff: If you want to know about me then i will tell you my personality is a cross between Daria from Daria, Gregory House from House M.D. and Alan Shore from Boston Legal and throw in some Deadpool from the marvel comics. Because of my two distinct personalities I have begun developing what can only be described as two voices in my head, one is a sarcastic cynic known as Phantom the other is an eccentric insane guy called Elec, occasionally they argue.

Some more random stuff:

1.

Give a man a match, and he'll be warm for a minute, but set him on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

2.

The real trouble with reality is that there's no background music.

3.

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

4.

House Guarded By Shotgun 3 Days A Week. Guess Which Days.

5.

Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege.

6.

War doesn't determine who's right. War determines who's left.

7.

It's your god. They're your rules. You go to hell.

8.

I once prayed to god for a bike, but quickly found out he didnt work that way...so I stole a bike and prayed for his forgiveness

9.

If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress?

10.

My god carries a hammer. Your god died nailed to a tree. Any questions?

11.

Sarcasm helps keep you from telling people what you really think of them.

12.

Actual Headline: Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

13.

If you think things can't get worse it's probably only because you lack sufficient imagination.

14.

if my calculations are correct SLINKY + ESCULATOR = EVERLASTING FUN

15.

A train station is where the train stops. A bus station is where the bus stops. On my desk, I have a work station...

16.

The problem with America is stupidity. I'm not saying there should be a capital punishment for stupidity, but why don't we just take the safety labels off of everything and let the problem solve itself?

17.

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car.

18.

You can't be late until you show up.

19.

Knowledge is realizing that the street is one-way, wisdom is looking both directions anyway

20.

Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us to walk and talk, and the rest of it telling us to sit down and shut up.

21.

Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are good is like expecting the bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian.

22.

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

23.

A single death is a tragedy; a million deaths is a statistic.

24.

The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources

25.

books have knowledge, knowledge is power, power corrupts, corruption is a crime, and crime doesn't pay..so if you keep reading, you'll go broke

26.

Advice for the day: If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.

27.

I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.

28.

Answering Machine Saying: Sorry I can’t get to the phone right now because my girlfriend and I are doing our favorite thing together. Personally I like doing it up and down, while she likes doing it side-to-side r-e-a-l slow... So I’ll get back to you when we finish brushing our teeth.

29.

If practice makes perfect & nobody's perfect, why practice?

30.

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling.

31.

I intend to live forever, or die trying.

32.

Optimism: Waiting for a ship to come in when you haven't sent one out.

33.

As Long As There Are Tests, There Will Be Prayer In Public Schools.

34.

Actual Headline: Joint Committee Investigates Marijuana Use

35.

Anything you say will be held against you. ... "tits"

36.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

37.

If you cannot convince them, confuse them.

38.

To ensure perfect aim, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target

39.

once upon a midnight dreary, while i pron surfed, weak and weary, over many a strange and spurious site of 'hot xxx galore'. While i clicked my fav'rite bookmark, suddenly there came a warning, and my heart was filled with mourning, mourning for my dear amour, " 'Tis not possible!", i muttered, "give me back my free hardcore!"... quoth the server, 404.

40.

"Computer games don't affect kids; I mean if Pac-Man affected us as kids, we'd all be running around in darkened rooms, munching magic pills and listening to repetitive electronic music." -- Kristian Wilson, Nintendo, Inc, 1989

41.

Notice In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

42.

Never interrupt your opponent while he's making a mistake.

43.

Don't drink and park - accidents cause people.

44.

Solution to two of the world's problems: Feed the homeless to the hungry.

45.

Beware of he who would deny you access to information, for in his heart, he dreams himself your master.

46.

You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

47.

My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.

48.

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

49.

If you don't pray in my school, I won't think in your church.

50.

You know your god is man-made when he hates all the same people you do.

51.

In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and is widely regarded as a bad move.

52.

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

53.

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God...I could be eating a slow learner.

54.

War is God's way of teaching Americans about geography. -- Ambrose Bierce

55.

The object of war is not to die for your country, but to make the other bastard die for his.

56.

I could've eaten Alphabits and crapped out a better essay!!

57.

Actual Headline: Prostitutes Appeal to Pope

58.

Love is like pi - natural, irrational, and very important.

59.

life, n.: A whim of several billion cells to be you for a while

60.

Evolutionists have proof without any certainty. Creationists have certainty without any proof.

61.

"One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures." -George W. Bush

62.

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity. -- Albert Einstein

63.

Answering Machine Saying: "911 - What is your emergency?"

64.

It isn't homework unless it's due tomorrow.

65.

You never learn anything by doing it right.

66.

Actual Housing Complaint: And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

67.

A woman broke up with me and sent me pictures of her and her new boyfriend in bed together. Solution?? I sent them to her dad.

68.

Friendships last when each friend thinks he has a slight superiority over the other.

69.

What would a chair look like, if your knees bent the other way?

70.

Welcome to Curl Up 'N Dye Hair Salon!

71.

Actual Headline: Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Ax

72.

Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. It's just that yours is stupid.

73.

If you're not on somebody's shit list, you're not doing anything worthwhile.

74.

Why do our noses run and our feet smell?

75.

Answering Machine Saying: Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

76.

Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.

77.

Politicians, like diapers, have to be changed frequently - and for the very same reason.

78.

Answering Machine Saying: Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.

79.

Why do they call it PMS? Because Mad Cow Disease was already taken!

80.

What does "it" mean in the sentence "What time is it?"?

81.

Actual Headline: Tiger Woods plays with own balls, Nike says

82.

It Could Be that the Purpose of Your Life is Only to Serve as a Warning to Others.

83.

If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?

84.

It may look like I'm doing nothing, but I'm actively waiting for my problems to go away.

85.

Answering Machine Saying: This is not an answering machine this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call.

86.

"Voice or no voice, the people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you have to do is tell them they are being attacked, and denounce the pacifists for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to greater danger. It works the same in any country." - Hermann Goering (1893 - 1946), 2nd in command of the Third Reich

87.

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

88.

I come from a small town whose population never changed. Each time a woman got pregnant, someone left town.

89.

Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.

90.

Anyone who uses the phrase "easy as taking candy from a baby" has never tried taking candy from a baby.

91.

Knowledge speaks, but wisdom listens.

92.

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

93.

When people talk to God, it's called prayer. When God talks back, it's called schizophrenia.

94.

When I hear somebody sigh "Life is hard" I'm always tempted to ask "Compared to what?"

95.

You never truely understand something until you can explain it to your grandmother. --Albert Einstein

96.

It only takes 20 years for a liberal to become a conservative without changing a single idea.

97.

Beauty, brains, availability, personality; pick any two.

98.

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

99.

The shortest distance between two points is under construction.

100.

Actual Headline: Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge

© This Evil Overlord List is Copyright 1996-1997 by Peter Anspach. If you enjoy it, feel free to pass it along or post it anywhere, provided that (1) it is not altered in any way, and (2) this copyright notice is attached.

1. My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors, not face-concealing ones.

2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.

3. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.

4. Shooting is not too good for my enemies.

5. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity.It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness.

6. I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.

7. When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No." and shoot him. No, on second thought I'll shoot him then say "No."

8. After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks' time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.

9. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labelled "Danger: Do Not Push". The big red button marked "Do Not Push" will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be labelled as such.

10. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum — a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.

11. I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.

12. One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.

13. All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several rounds of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.

14. The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.

15. I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.

16. I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's just one thing I want to know."

17. When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice.

18. I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal distraction at a crucial point in time.

19. I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil, but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd betray her own father.

20. Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.

21.I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for my Legions of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman footsoldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set.

22. No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.

23. I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use. That way — even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless — my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and rocks.

24. I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line "No, This Cannot Be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!" (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)

25. No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of machinery which is completely indestructible except for one small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.

26. No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to kill me.Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bedchamber.

27. I will never build only one of anything important. All important systems will have redundant control panels and power supplies. For the same reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at all times.

28. My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble.

29. I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies into confusion.

30. All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly thieves in the land will be preemptively put to death. My foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of comic relief.

31. All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected reinforcement and/or romantic subplot for the hero or his sidekick.

32. I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come by.

33. I won't require high-ranking female members of my organization to wear a stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better with a more casual dress-code. Similarly, outfits made entirely from black leather will be reserved for formal occasions.

34. I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.

35. I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X.

36. I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell block, let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I will keep the only key to the cell door on my person instead of handing out copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison.

37. If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are losing a battle, I will believe him. After all, he's my trusted lieutenant.

38. If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately, instead of waiting for them to grow up harboring feelings of vengeance towards me in my old age.

39. If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my opposite number among his army.

40. I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable superweapon, I will use it as early and as often as possible instead of keeping it in reserve.

41. Once my power is secure, I will destroy all those pesky time-travel devices.

42. When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey, ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of untying ropes and filching keys happens to follow him around.

43. I will maintain a healthy amount of skepticism when I capture the beautiful rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and good looks and will gladly betray her companions if I just let her in on my plans.

44. I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who work for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the odds to give the other guy a sporting chance.

45. I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible for what in my organization. For example, if my general screws up I will not draw my weapon, point it at him, say "And here is the price for failure," then suddenly turn and kill some random underling.

46. If an advisor says to me "My liege, he is but one man. What can one man possibly do?", I will reply "This," and kill the advisor.

47. If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I will slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting for him to mature.

48. I will treat any beast which I control through magic or technology with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it will not immediately come after me for revenge.

49. If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact which can destroy me, I will not send all my troops out to seize it. Instead I will send them out to seize something else and quietly put a Want-Ad in the local paper.

50. My main computers will have their own special operating system that will be completely incompatible with standard IBM and Macintosh powerbooks.

51. If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over the conditions in the beautiful princess' cell, I will immediately transfer him to a less people-oriented position.

52. I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and abandoned tunnels that I might not know about.

53. If the beautiful princess that I capture says "I'll never marry you! Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!", I will say "Oh well" and kill her.

54. I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt to double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary.

55. The deformed mutants and odd-ball psychotics will have their place in my Legions of Terror. However before I send them out on important covert missions that require tact and subtlety, I will first see if there is anyone else equally qualified who would attract less attention.

56. My Legions of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any who cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will be used for target practice.

57. Before employing any captured artifacts or machinery, I will carefully read the owner's manual.

58. If it becomes necessary to escape, I will never stop to pose dramatically and toss off a one-liner.

59. I will never build a sentient computer smarter than I am.

60. My five-year-old child advisor will also be asked to decipher any code I am thinking of using. If he breaks the code in under 30 seconds, it will not be used. Note: this also applies to passwords.

61. If my advisors ask "Why are you risking everything on such a mad scheme?", I will not proceed until I have a response that satisfies them.

62. I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding structural supports which intruders could use for cover in a firefight.

63. Bulk trash will be disposed of in incinerators, not compactors. And they will be kept hot, with none of that nonsense about flames going through accessible tunnels at predictable intervals.

64. I will see a competent psychiatrist and get cured of all extremely unusual phobias and bizarre compulsive habits which could prove to be a disadvantage.

65. If I must have computer systems with publicly available terminals, the maps they display of my complex will have a room clearly marked as the Main Control Room. That room will be the Execution Chamber. The actual main control room will be marked as Sewage Overflow Containment.

66. My security keypad will actually be a fingerprint scanner. Anyone who watches someone press a sequence of buttons or dusts the pad for fingerprints then subsequently tries to enter by repeating that sequence will trigger the alarm system.

67. No matter how many shorts we have in the system, my guards will be instructed to treat every surveillance camera malfunction as a full-scale emergency.

68. I will spare someone who saved my life sometime in the past. This is only reasonable as it encourages others to do so. However, the offer is good one time only. If they want me to spare them again, they'd better save my life again.

69. All midwives will be banned from the realm. All babies will be delivered at state-approved hospitals. Orphans will be placed in foster-homes, not abandoned in the woods to be raised by creatures of the wild.

70.When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always travel in groups of at least two. They will be trained so that if one of them disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the other will immediately initiate an alert and call for backup, instead of quizzically peering around a corner.

71. If I decide to test a lieutenant's loyalty and see if he/she should be made a trusted lieutenant, I will have a crack squad of marksmen standing by in case the answer is no.

72. If all the heroes are standing together around a strange device and begin to taunt me, I will pull out a conventional weapon instead of using my unstoppable superweapon on them.

73. I will not agree to let the heroes go free if they win a rigged contest, even though my advisors assure me it is impossible for them to win.

74. When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed so that my five-year-old advisor can easily understand the details, I will not label the disk "Project Overlord" and leave it lying on top of my desk.

75. I will instruct my Legions of Terror to attack the hero en masse, instead of standing around waiting while members break off and attack one or two at a time.

76. If the hero runs up to my roof, I will not run up after him and struggle with him in an attempt to push him over the edge. I will also not engage him at the edge of a cliff. (In the middle of a rope-bridge over a river of molten lava is not even worth considering.)

77. If I have a fit of temporary insanity and decide to give the hero the chance to reject a job as my trusted lieutenant, I will retain enough sanity to wait until my current trusted lieutenant is out of earshot before making the offer.

78. I will not tell my Legions of Terror "And he must be taken alive!" The command will be "And try to take him alive if it is reasonably practical."

79. If my doomsday device happens to come with a reverse switch, as soon as it has been employed it will be melted down and made into limited-edition commemorative coins.

80. If my weakest troops fail to eliminate a hero, I will send out my best troops instead of wasting time with progressively stronger ones as he gets closer and closer to my fortress.

81. If I am fighting with the hero atop a moving platform, have disarmed him, and am about to finish him off and he glances behind me and drops flat, I too will drop flat instead of quizzically turning around to find out what he saw.

82. I will not shoot at any of my enemies if they are standing in front of the crucial support beam to a heavy, dangerous, unbalanced structure.

83. If I'm eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet, then have to leave the table for any reason, I will order new drinks for both of us instead of trying to decide whether or not to switch with him.

84. I will not have captives of one sex guarded by members of the opposite sex.

85. I will not use any plan in which the final step is horribly complicated, e.g. "Align the 12 Stones of Power on the sacred altar then activate the medallion at the moment of total eclipse." Instead it will be more along the lines of "Push the button."

86. I will make sure that my doomsday device is up to code and properly grounded.

87. My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use. Also, I will not construct walkways above them.

88. If a group of henchmen fail miserably at a task, I will not berate them for incompetence then send the same group out to try the task again.

89. After I capture the hero's superweapon, I will not immediately disband my legions and relax my guard because I believe whoever holds the weapon is unstoppable. After all, the hero held the weapon and I took it from him.

90. I will not design my Main Control Room so that every workstation is facing away from the door.

91. I will not ignore the messenger that stumbles in exhausted and obviously agitated until my personal grooming or current entertainment is finished. It might actually be important.

92. If I ever talk to the hero on the phone, I will not taunt him. Instead I will say this his dogged perseverance has given me new insight on the futility of my evil ways and that if he leaves me alone for a few months of quiet contemplation I will likely return to the path of righteousness. (Heroes are incredibly gullible in this regard.)

93. If I decide to hold a double execution of the hero and an underling who failed or betrayed me, I will see to it that the hero is scheduled to go first.

94. When arresting prisoners, my guards will not allow them to stop and grab a useless trinket of purely sentimental value.

95. My dungeon will have its own qualified medical staff complete with bodyguards. That way if a prisoner becomes sick and his cellmate tells the guard it's an emergency, the guard will fetch a trauma team instead of opening up the cell for a look.

96. My door mechanisms will be designed so that blasting the control panel on the outside seals the door and blasting the control panel on the inside opens the door, not vice versa.

97. My dungeon cells will not be furnished with objects that contain reflective surfaces or anything that can be unravelled.

98. If an attractive young couple enters my realm, I will carefully monitor their activities. If I find they are happy and affectionate, I will ignore them. However if circumstance have forced them together against their will and they spend all their time bickering and criticizing each other except during the intermittent occasions when they are saving each others' lives at which point there are hints of sexual tension, I will immediately order their execution.

99. Any data file of crucial importance will be padded to 1.45Mb in size.

100. Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless trance, I will provide each of them with free unlimited Internet access.

For the life of me, I can’t imagine how such a great idea could have gone so horribly awry. Impacted by the recent economic downturn, a tycoon in China was forced to trim his roster of mistresses down from a high-living five to a lower suburban middle-class one. Heartbreaking. No doubt a fan of reality television, he chose to hold an American Idol-like competition to help him decide which one to keep. Alas, the first candidate to be eliminated proved a bit of a sore loser - and suicidal, driving herself, him, and the four other contestants off a mountain road during a group outing. Now THAT was the most shocking rose ceremony ever! http://www.google.com/hostednews/afp/article/ALeqM5iFcWyoC9tN3C_AoxSZW0nTdZtubA

These are real illnesses, I kid you not. If you or someone you know suspects they are suffering from one of the following then please consult a physician immediately…

Moebius Sydrome: Due to a lack of developed facial nerves, the afflicted lack the ability to manifest and control facial expressions. As a result, they may often sleep with their eyes open. Contrary to rumor, Keanu Reeves does NOT suffer from this condition.

Odine’s Curse (aka: congenital central alveolar hypoventilation syndrome): Those afflicted cannot breathe automatically and must will each breath or risk respiratory arrest. One of those rare cases where those who threaten to hold their breath until they turn blue actually do.

Foreign Accent Sydrome: The afflicted begins speaking with a foreign accent after suffering a stroke or brain injury. No word on exactly which accept has proven most popular with the cerebrally-challenged.

Capgras Syndrome: Those afflicted are convinced that their loved ones have been replaced by imposters. A horrific condition - but one that certainly spices things up in the bedroom.

Alice in Wonderland Syndrome (aka: Todd’s Syndrome): Those afflicted perceive objects are either larger (macrospia) or smaller (microspia) than they really are. Side view and rear view car mirrors are often used to compensate.

Pica: Those suffering from this condition are driven by the urge to consume non-food substances, everything from earth and paint to string and Arby’s.

50 Things You Never Knew About Me:

1. What color is your toothbrush?

Yellow, don’t worry it gets better.

2. Name one person who made you smile today:

I physically can’t smile, no seriously it just looks like I’m trying not to smile.

3. What were you doing at 8 am this morning:

Watching T.V.

4. What were you doing 45 minutes ago?

Probably reading James018’s version of this survey

5. What is your favorite candy bar?

Any chocolate is good chocolate.

6. Have you ever been to a strip club?

No, underage

7. What is the last thing you said aloud?

I can’t remember (I didn’t say it aloud I seriously can’t remember though I was probably rambling to myself.)

8. What is your favorite ice cream flavor?

Vanilla.

9. What was the last thing you had to drink?

Water

10. What is your lip gloss of choice?

None.

11. What was the last thing you ate?

Dinner, more specifically tuna mornay

12. Have you bought any new clothing items this week?

No. I don’t buy clothing my mum does, yay not paying for things.

13. The last sporting event you watched?

A cricket match, the Australia V. New Zealand twenty20

14. What is your favorite flavour of popcorn?

Popcorn has flavours now?

15. Who is the last person you sent a text message to?

Probably to Jason asking if he wanted to come over, only time I’ve ever texted a friend.

16. Ever go camping?

Yes.

17. Do you take vitamins daily?

No

18. Do you go to church every Sunday?

No, atheist all the way. If there really is a god he is a sick sadistic bastard, the last thing he apparently did was send his son to Earth to die, what an interesting conversation “son I’m sending you to this planet where you will be branded a heretic and killed.” “I’m going to die?” “Don’t worry I’ll bring you back to life.” “Don’t worry? I’m going to die.” I’m sure he won’t be winning father of the year anytime soon.

19. Do you have a tan?

No. being a ‘ranga’ I don’t get tan I get sunburnt. Walk down the street, burn. Full moon, burn. Open the glovebox little light comes on, burn.

20. Do you prefer Chinese food over pizza?

Nope, pizza is one of my favorite foods

21. Do you drink your soda with a straw?

Only at restaurants

22. What did your last text message say?

I don't remember.

23. What are you doing tomorrow?

School, PS2, possibly work on my fanfic, and homework, maybe.

25. Look to your left, what do you see?

A stack of boxes, I honestly have no idea why there in the computer room.

26. What color is your watch?

Don’t have one

27. What do you think of when you hear Australia?

A really crappy movie

28. What is your birthstone?

Don’t know, don’t give a crap

29. Do you go in at a fast food place or just hit the drive thru?

Depends on how much time I have

30. What is your favorite number?

27

31. Who's the last person you talked to on the phone?

James

32. Any plans today?

Complete this survey before I’m kicked off of the computer

33. How many states have you lived in?

One.

34. Biggest annoyance right now?

My brother, he’s not even in the house and he’s annoying me

35. Last song listened to?

checks Ipod I was in the middle of savin’ me by Nickleback before I went of FF.net

36. Can you say the alphabet backwards?

Yes.

37. Do you have a maid service clean your house?

No. Though I do have someone clean my house once a week, and I’m not wealthy at all

38. Favorite pair of shoes you wear all the time?

Don’t have a favorite, I wear thongs whenever possible, thongs in Australia are shoes for all those people who don’t know coughAmericanscough

39. Are you jealous of anyone?

No I know everyone else has problems and I can see I live a decent life.

40. Is anyone jealous of you?

Not that I know of

41. Do you love anyone?

Only family.

42. Do any of your friends have children?

No, which is good as none are 18

43. What do you usually do during the day?

Depends on the day, Monday and Thursday is mostly school then veg on the couch watching videos from the night before. Tuesday is gym than rest than an hour of school followed by vegging or internet. Friday is similar but no gym instead PS2 or videos. Wednesday is school and some homework. Saturday is watch Saturday morning cartoons until 1:30, with only stopping for a shower than videos. Sunday involves getting up at 7, damn brothers bedroom being next to mine, then wait ‘till X-men and tape it, watch videos ‘till one, watch wrestling than veg on PS2

44. Do you hate anyone that you know right now?

No. Not in the truest sense of the word, I do dislike people and when my friends jokingly insult me I tell them I despise them immensely.

45. Do you use the word 'hello' daily?

I rarely pay attention to such trivial things

46. What color is your car?

Don’t have one though it would be purple

47. Do you like cats?

Absolutely, there very smart, mine can even open a door.

48. Are you thinking about someone right now?

No.

49. Have you ever been to Six Flags?

Given I haven't heard of it, i'd guess not.

50. How did you get your worst scar?

I don’t know if it’s a scar but I have a line on my left arm near my wrist, no clue how I got it and I swear it’s grown at leats twice maybe a third time.

Just a few questions in need of an answer:

Can fat people go skinny-dipping?

Can you cry under water?

Do cannibals refuse to eat clowns because they taste funny?

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the morning?

How is it possible to have a civil war?

How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there?

If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?

If a bus station is where a bus stops, and a train station is where a train stops, is a workstation...

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

If a fat chicken laid eggs, would it sit on them?

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, why doe people say "Quit while you're ahead"?

If sheep coats are made of wool, why don't they shrink when it rains?

If the police arrest a mute, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

If the speed of light is 300,000 metres per second, what's the speed of dark?

If vegetable oil made from veggies and oil, what is baby oil made of?

If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?

If you try to fail and succeed, what have you done?

Light travels faster than sound - is that why some people appear bright before you hear them speak?

Mousetraps are operated by people, right? Now, isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

What would the speed of lightning be if it didn't zigzag?

Why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance that little indestructible black box is?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why do doctors leave the room when you strip? They're going to see you naked anyway.

Why do dogs get mad when you blow in their face and then they stick their head out the window in a car?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Why does round pizza come in a square box?

Why does the sun make our hair lighter and our skin darker?

Why does the word "lisp" have an "s" in it?

Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why do our noses run and our feet smell?

Why do people say "slept like a baby" when babies wake up and cry every 2 hours?

Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?

Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor since you can't drink and drive?

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?

Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavour, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

If "con" and "pro" are opposites, what is the opposite of "progress"?

Obituary for the late Mr. Common Sense:

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as knowing when to come in out of the rain, the early bird gets the worm, life isn't always fair and maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge). His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate, teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student only worsened his condition. He lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. He declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer Calpol, sun lotion or a band-aid to a student, but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion. He lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband, churches became businesses and criminals received better treatment than their victims. He took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault. Common Sense finally gave up the will to live after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He is survived by his three stepbrothers: I Know My Rights, Someone Else Is To Blame, and I'm A Victim. Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember Common Sense, copy and paste this into your profile. If not, join the majority and do nothing.

Signs of madness:

1st Sign: Talking to yourself.

2nd Sign: Answering yourself.

3rd Sign: Getting the answer wrong.

4th Sign: Fighting with youself about it.

5th Sign: Hitting yourself in the fight.

6th Sign: Hitting yourself back.

7th Sign: Attempting to strangle yourself.

8th Sign: Falling unconscious from strangling yourself.

N.B.: There are currently no known people insane enough to continue to strangle themselves after falling unconscious, and thus it is proven that you cannot currently die from insanity. I'm up to the 4th Sign for those who care.

You know you live in 2008 when...

1.) You accidentally enter your password on a microwave.

2.) You haven't played solitaire with real cards for years

3.) The reason for not staying in touch with your friends is they don’t have a screen name or my space

4.) You'd rather look all over the house for the remote instead of just pushing the buttons on the TV

6.) Your boss doesn't even have the ability to do your job.

7.) As you read this list you keep nodding and smiling.

8.) As you read this list you think about sending it to all your friends.

9.) And you were too busy to notice number 5.

10.) You scrolled back up to see if there was a number 5.

11.) Now you are laughing at yourself stupidly.

12.) Put this in your profile if you fell for that, and you know you did

There's nothing wrong with arguing with yourself. It's when you argue with yourself and LOSE when it's weird. If you agree, copy this and put it in your profile.

If you or your best friend is completely insane, copy and paste this onto your profile.

If, for no reason, you have laughed during a movie part that wasn't funny, put this in your profile.

Weird is good, strange is bad, and odd is when you don't know which to call someone. Weird is the same as different, which is the same as unique, so weird is good. If you are weird and proud of it, copy this onto your profile!

Ninety-five percent of teenagers are concerned about being popular. If you are one of the five percent who aren't, copy this, put it in your profile, and add your name to the list: Queen S of Randomness 016, Queen B of Randomness 016, AnimieKittyCaffe, The Gypsy Pirate Queen, That Bloody Demon, The Astrology Nerd, Shadow929, Crazy Billie Joe Loving Freak, Yavie Aelienel, Hyperactively Bored, Spymaster E, Shanny-Boo, Gem W, Brown-eyed angelofmusic, piratesswriter/fairy to be, Bara-Minomoto, Em Quagmire, Buffy The Mary-Sue Slayer, Random Little Writer, SamanthaFantasyFan, EdwardAddict, Supergirrl, Elemental-ANimal, Mother Nature's Daughter, Schmerg_The_Impaler, HPisgreat72

There are some weird laws out there, okay in America, these are some my favourites:

It is unlawful to allow a pet cat to run loose without a taillight. – What I want to know is where do you put the taillight?

It is illegal for horses to eat fire hydrants. – I wouldn't want to mess with a horse that could eat a fire hydrant, would you?

It is illegal to eat in a place that is on fire. – But roasted marshmallows taste so good.

The penalty for jumping off a building is death. – Congratulations, Einstein.

It is a misdemeanor to shoot at any kind of game from a moving vehicle, unless the target is a whale. – This law is in a state that is completely surrounded by land, there are no whales.

Nobody is allowed to ride a bicycle in a swimming pool. – I don't know about you but I'm sure it would be rather difficult to ride a bike in a swimming pool.

City Council order reads: "No dog shall be in a public place without its master on a leash." – Kinky.

Detonating a nuclear device within the city limits results in a 500 fine. – This law speaks for itself.

Motor vehicles may not drive on city streets unless a man with a lantern is walking ahead of it. – I doubt there is one person in the last 30 years that has obeyed this law.

One may not carry a lunch down the street between 11 and 1 o'clock. – Remind me again, when is lunch?

It is illegal to wake a fireman when he is asleep. – Does this apply to smoke detectors and the fire alarm?

It is illegal to purchase or use Sparklers in the city, yet you can buy fully disassembled automatic machine guns. – Three words: only in America.

Now for some prized bumper stickers:

Sometimes I wish life had subtitles. – I agree completely.

Gone crazy, back soon – This should be the sign on my bedroom door.

One by one the penguins steal my sanity. – I don't think I even have to comment, all I’ll say is this is one of my favourites.

If I could get a firm grip on reality I'd choke it. – Same goes for me.

Of course I'm out of my mind, it's dark and scary in there! – Another one that applies to me.

Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but you are abusing the privilege. – There are many people I can think of that this applies to.

We're born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse. – A lot worse.

The light at the end of the tunnel is an oncoming train. – I've been saying this for a couple of years now.

God, huh? My imaginary friend's name is Bobo. – Sorry for any Christians I upset, not for upsetting you but the fact you don't have a sense of humour.

Jesus loves you! (Everyone else thinks you're an asshole!) – Again many people this applies to.

Hire teenagers while they still know everything! – This speaks for itself.

Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your kids. – I got it from friends and T.V.

Few women admit their age, few men act it! – I know I don't.

If a man says something in the woods and no one's there to hear it, is he still wrong? – Yes.

A couple of useless pieces of information:

Every forty five seconds a house catches on fire in the United States. – Just another reason Americans are number 1, that's sarcasm by the way.

7 of Americans don’t know the first 9 words of the American anthem, but know the first 7 of the Canadian anthem, while 5 of Canadians don’t know the first 7 words of the Canadian anthem, but know the first 9 of the American anthem! – This is slightly off putting; there are Americans that aren't completely arrogant.

Some quotes deserve to be spread over the world. These are some I believe fit into that category: (To be updated often) (incredibly long)

"Chocolate is the meaning of life" – This is one of mine.

"The difference between reality and fiction, fiction has to make sense" – Tom Clancy.

"I am the author of my life, to bad I write in pen and can't erase my mistakes." – Unknown.

"This has purple stuff in it. Purple is a fruit." – Homer Simpson about a donut, this quote helped my obsession with the colour purple.

“I know that the human being and the fish can coexist peacefully.” – Who else could say something like this besides George W. Bush.

Me: Lachlan's not the brightest bulb.

Josh: are you saying your brother is stupid?

Me: of course not I would never say that (pause) I implied it.

Unknown: Constipated people don't give a crap. (Interesting way of putting it.)

Unknown: Whoever said nothing is impossible never tried slamming a revolving door. (Well, actually, you can slam a revolving door... though you risk amputating your arm by mistake...)

Unknown: Kids in the front seats cause accidents. Accidents in the back seats cause kids. (True. Funny, but true.)

Unknown: The evening news is where the newsreader says "Good evening" and then tells you why it isn't. (I don't watch the news for this reason)

Unknown: "Pessismist" is an optimist's word for one who sees the world as it is. (I wholeheartedly agree)

Belgarath (from Belgariad): Where is he?
Silk: :has just pushed the bad guy off a cliff: Trying to fly, the last time I saw him. He wasn't doing it very well.
Belgarath: I'm sure he'll pick it up in time
Silk: I don't think he has that much time. :A distant thump is heard, followed by another: Does bouncing count? (Not quoted correctly. Possibly my favourite passage from any book. I love that sort of humour.)

This next group of quotes are all from Stargate episodes. If you haven't seen them you more than likely won't get the jokes.

"Colonel O’Neill, should we not be assisting Daniel Jackson with the translations?"

"I'm taking this loop off. I'm telling you, T, if we don't get out of this loop soon I'm going to lose it."

(Teal’c arches his eyebrow.)

(While saying this he spreads mustard and ketchup on his plate.) “Lose it. It means, go crazy. Nuts. Insane. Bonzo. No longer in possession of one’s faculties. Three fries short of a Happy Meal. WACKO!” (He holds up the plate to reveal he has made a smiley face with the mustard and ketchup.) – Teal’c and O’Neill from the episode “Window of Opportunity”. This is the greatest Stargate quote ever in my opinion.

“Colonel O’Neill, what the hell are you doing?”

“In the middle of my backswing?!” – Hammond and O’Neill from “Window of Opportunity”.

(Sheppard trying to test McKay’s hearing.)

“Canadian Football League’s a joke. (McKay doesn’t hear.) Celine Dion is overrated. (McKay still doesn’t hear.) Zelenka is smarter than you are.”

(McKay reacts to something on his screen.) “Hey! I found mention of a biolab in the database. Ancient scientists used it to study animal life. We should check it out.”

“Okay… (quieter) Meredith.” – Sheppard and McKay from “Echoes”

Todd: I believe among your people it is customary to shake hands.

Todd offers his right hand to Col. Carter. Everyone in the room points their gun at the Wraith. He begins to laugh and waves his hand disparagingly.

Todd: Just a little Wraith humour. laughs

From the episode “The seer”

Col. Caldwell: Colonel.

Col. Ellis: Colonel.

They turn to Carter

Col. Caldwell: Colonel.

Col. Carter: Colonels.

They turn to Sheppard

Col. Ellis: Colonel.

Lt. Col. Sheppard: Colonels.

Dr. McKay: grimacing Seriously?

From the episode “Be all my sins remember’d”

Teyla: I purchased the pendant from an artisan in Croya, the village we are about to visit. Among the Athosians, it's quite common to present such gifts as expressions of admiration and respect.

Ronon: to McKay Hey. Maybe I'll pick you something up while we're there.

McKay: Really?

Ronon: No.

From the episode “The Kindred part 1”

Todd: Obviously there is more you want from me, or you would not have come.

Ronon: Maybe we just came to kill ya.

Todd: Did you?

Sheppard: Unfortunately, no.

Todd: Well, there's always next time.

From the same episode

Todd: explaining his plan to destroy Michael's facility I was going to write an elaborate programme designed to slowly create a fatal error in the primary capacitor, but I doubt there'll be time for that now.

Ronon: I was just gonna blow it up.

Todd: exasperated Naturally.

From the episode “The last man”

Lt. Ford: Gateship One, ready to go.

Maj. Sheppard: Gateship One? A little Puddle Jumper like this?

Lt. Ford: It's a ship, it goes through a gate. Gateship One!

Maj. Sheppard: Oh, no, no, no, that's all wrong.

Lt. Ford: Dr. McKay thought it was cool.

Maj. Sheppard: Oh, okay, well, it's official... You don't get to name anything. Ever.

From the episode "Rising"

about John and Teyla's headbutt exchange

Beckett is explaining that his innoculation uses a mouse retrovirus

Dr. McKay: Well, are there any side-effects?

Dr. Beckett: Dry mouth, headache, the irresistible urge to run on a small wheel...

From the episode “Hide and seek”

Weir interrupts McKay and Sheppard "testing" an Ancient shield

Dr. Weir: I'm still trying to understand how you thought it was a good idea to test this device by having someone throw you off a balcony.

Dr. McKay: Oh, believe me, that's not the first thing we tried.

Maj. Sheppard: proudly I shot him. Dr. Weir gives him a stern look In the leg!

Dr. McKay: I'm invulnerable!

Dr. Weir: Aren't you the one who's always spouting off about how proper and careful scientific procedure must be adhered to?

Dr. McKay: sing-song IN - VUL - NER - ABLE!

From the same episode

"Steve": Hello, again, Major Sheppard.

Maj. Sheppard: Sorry to wake you. Just came by to see if you need anything. Magazines, fresh towels.

"Steve": You hide your fear poorly, Major.

Maj. Sheppard: You know, we've been having these conversations for several weeks now, and I still don't even know your name. You guys do have names, right? Let me guess... Steve?

"Steve": I am your death. That is all you need to know.

Maj. Sheppard: I prefer "Steve".

From the episode “Poisoning the well”

The science team is trying to come up with a solution to a problem while being very short on time

Dr. McKay: You're right. If only we had a magical tool that could slow down time. I foolishly left mine on Earth - did you bring yours?

Dr. Zelenka: You know, you're not pleasant when you're like this, McKay.

Dr. McKay: I'm always like this.

Dr. Zelenka: My point exactly.

From the episode “The storm”

Maj. Sheppard: McKay will come up with something.

Dr. McKay: I will try, but despite what you all may think, I am not Superman.

Sheppard looks around

Maj. Sheppard: Was anyone seriously thinking that?

Weir, Teyla and the other scientist shake their heads 'No'

Lt. Ford: No sir.

Dr. Zelenka: Never.

From the same episode

Weir has just briefed Atlantis' scientists about the approaching Wraith fleet

Dr. Elizabeth Weir: So, recommendations?

Dr. Carson Beckett: Other than panic?

Elizabeth: Other than panic.

From the episode “Letters from Pegasus”

Ford is recording video messages of each expedition member to send home

Carson: What shall I say?

Lt. Aiden Ford: Uh…uh…"I miss you"? "I wish you were here"?

Carson: I wish who was here?

Lt. Ford: I don't know. Who do you wish was here?

Carson: Nobody! I wish I wasn't bloody here!

From the same episode

Dr. Weir: Ok, what are our options?

Dr. McKay: Let me see, we've got quick death, slow death, painful death, cold and lonely death...

From the episode “The siege part 3”

McKay is confronted by a wraith, he is holding a 9mm

Dr McKay: So this is how it’s going to be huh? Fine then.

He tries to shoot but the magazine falls out

Dr McKay: retreating This is Dr. McKay, I need backup.

From the same episode

Dr.Beckett: You have a date Rodney? With a woman?

Dr. McKay: It is simply two adults sharing some friendly— Yes, with a woman!

From the episode “Duet”

Lt. Col. Sheppard: Maybe there's something wrong with him an MRI wouldn't pick up, if you know what I mean.

Dr McKay: I'm not crazy, I just have another consciousness in my brain.

Lt. Col. Sheppard: So he only looks crazy.

Dr. McKay: I'm sure I do, but only because Dr. Fumbles McStupid here was in way over his head!

Dr. Zelenka: Yes! I made a mistake trying to save your life! Now, do you want to try and fix it, or do you want to continue to berate me some more?

Dr. McKay: I am perfectly capable of doing both at the same time.

From the same episode

Dr. McKay: I wonder why we never hooked up.

Lt. Col. Carter: What, aside from the fact that you're petty, arrogant and treat people badly?

Dr. McKay: ...yes.

Lt. Col. Carter: Nope, that's pretty much it: petty, arrogant, bad with people.

Dr. McKay: Oh. But you do find me attractive?

Lt. Col. Carter: Let’s stick to working on my idea.

Dr. McKay: No, this is my idea.

Lt. Col. Carter: How do you figure?

Dr. McKay: Well, you don’t exist. You think what my subconscious tells you to think! So, really the idea was mine. realizing Oh, wow! I'm arguing with myself about who had an idea first—me or me. I really am petty, aren't I?

Lt. Col. Carter: And arrogant and bad with people

From the episode “Grace under pressure”

Ronon: Sheppard's on the list; McKay is on the list. Why aren't Teyla and me?

Dr. Weir: What, you're feeling left out?

Ronon I just wanna know who thinks I'm not a threat and give 'em a chance to change their mind.

From the episode “Coup d’Etat”

Lt. Col. Sheppard: It'll be a walk in the park... a very scary park, filled with monsters who are trying to kill me.

From the episode “No man’s land”

Lt. Col. Sheppard: Operation 'This Will Most Likely End Badly' is a go.

From the same episode - Those two are the lines that best sum up Sheppard in my opinion

McKay is lying on his stomach to work on his computer because he has been shot in the but by an arrow

Dr. McKay: You know, you really don't appreciate the simple things in life. Like… sitting.

Lt. Col. Sheppard: I don't envy you. It must be a real pain in the ass.

Dr. McKay: rolling his eyes Oh. How long d'you work on that?

Lt. Col. Sheppard: Longer than I care to admit.

From the episode “Sateda”

Jeannie: smugly I solved your problem in my spare time… with finger paints.

From the episode “McKay and Mrs. Miller” - My favourite qoute from a non main chaacter who isn't Todd.

Gen. Landry: You’re just mad you didn’t get to fly the maiden voyage yourself.

Gen. O'Neill: General, I am quite fond of both maidens and voyages. I mean, put the two together and ...

Gen. Landry: You’re not a test pilot any more, Jack.

Gen. O'Neill: indignant That’s what the President said.

From the episode “The return part 1”

Dr. Weir, Dr McKay, Dr. Beckett and Lt. Col. Sheppard are in a restaurant. Elizabeth's phone rings, followed by Rodney's and then John's

Dr. Beckett: I didn't bring my bloody cellphone with me, what's going on?!

From the same episode

Lt. Col. Sheppard: We've got a plan, sir. A good one.

Gen. O'Neill: I'm sure you do, Colonel. But in the unlikely event that you don't fail miserably...you're fired.

Lt. Col. Sheppard: Yes sir, looking forward to it.

From the same episode

Gen. O'Neill: That sounds more like a Plan F, doesn't it? As in, 'we are totally...'

From the same episode

Major Carter: Maybourne, you’re an idiot every day of the week. Why couldn’t you have taken just one day off?

From the episode “Foothold”

General Hammond: Mayborn has been given authorization to take Teal'c under suveilence of his medical team.

Col. O'Neill: General, request permission to beat the crap out of this man.

(Mayborn looks at Hammond dumfounded and afraid.)

From the episode “Bane”

Col. O'Neill: Jaffa jokes? Let's hear one of them.

Teal'c: I shall attempt to translate one, O'Neill. A serpent guard, a Horus guard, and a Setesh guard meet on a neutral planet. It is a tense moment. The serpent guard's eyes glow. The Horus guard's beak glistens. The Setesh guard's... nose drips.

Teal'c bursts into loud laughter. Everyone else stares.

From the episode “Seth”

Col. O'Neill: Well, apparently I've lost the falatus to speak properly! pause That wasn't a joke. I didn't do that on purpose.

From the episode “The fifth race”

Urgo: Years from now, when you're thinking about me, you're gonna say, ooohhh, how did I ever get along without that wonderful, constant companion? Woof!

Col. O'Neill: Years from now?

Dr. Jackson: Woof?!

From the episode "Urgo"

Col. O'Neill: Au revoir, mon General.

Teal'c: I am unfamiliar with that term, O'Neill.

Col. O'Neill: Au revoir. It's French. It means ciao. Ciao…means adios, auf Wiedersehen, sayonara, which all very loosely translated means…

They enter the Stargate, only to emerge in the SGC again

Col. O'Neill: Goodbye?

Hammond: What happened?

O'Neill: What happened?

Hammond: That's what I just asked you. Will someone please tell me what's going on?

Sam: General...we just left.

Hammond: You've been gone over 15 hours.

From the same episode

Col. O'Neill: We've done this!

Dr. Jackson: We do this every day.

Col. O'Neill: I'm not talking about briefings in general, Daniel, I'm talking about this briefing; this day.

Teal'c: Col. O'Neill is correct. Events do appear to be repeating themselves.

Dr. Jackson: Since when?

Col. O'Neill: Since we went to P4X-639.

Maj. Carter: We haven't been to P4X-639.

Col. O'Neill: Yes we have. points at Dr. Jackson No, we haven't. That's what you were going to say.

Dr. Jackson: Of course that's what I was going to say.

pause

Col. O'Neill: Okay, bad example.

From the episode “Window of opportunity”

Col O'Neill: Look, General, if it were just me, I'd agree. But what about Teal'c? Come on, is this the face of a crazy man!?

pause

Col. O'Neill: Bad example.

From the same episode

Col. O'Neill: What kind of archaeologist carries a weapon?

Dr. Jackson: Uh, I do.

pause

Col. O'Neill: Bad example.

From the same episode

Dr. Jackson: pulling Vala's scarf off her neck Vala, this is a military vessel.

Vala: I know, darling. I've stolen it before.

Dr. Jackson: Well, just try to be, uh…

Vala: My charming self?

Dr. Jackson: Just a little less talk; a little more shut the hell up.

From the episode “Beachhead”

Nerus arrives on Ba'al's mothership

Nerus: How nice! You came to greet me in person! Oh! Oh! I have this fabulous innovation I want you to... It's—it's called a cupcake. Oh, it's so good—

Ba'al: Why have you returned?

Nerus: My old friend, you wound me deeply.

Ba'al: I'm capable of wounding you much more deeply.

From the episode “Off the grid”

SG-1 is trying to rescue a little boy trapped behind a portcullis

Ba’al: He's tiny. Tell him to squeeze through the bars.

Teal’c: Assist us, or I will squeeze you through these bars.

From the episode “The quest part 1”

Dr. Jackson: I'm sorry, aren't you the one who knows the dragon's secret name? It's time to earn your keep.

Ba'al: Ah, yes. I may have exaggerated about that, slightly. Anyway, you didn't think that just by calling out its name, you'd suddenly be able to control it?

Dr. Jackson: I don't know. Name magic is common in most mythologies. To know something's secret name is to steal its power.

Lt. Col. Mitchell: So what are we supposed to do, start guessing?

Vala: Darrel, the dragon.

Lt. Colonel Mitchell: How about Smokey?

Teal'c: Perhaps Puff?

Dr. Jackson: annoyed: Will you just give me a minute?

From the episode “The quest part 2”

Merlin has died, and the team is deciding what to do

Ba'al: I told you, I could reprogram the dialing device.

SG-1 looks at Ba'al

Ba'al: His little trick with my vocal chords expired at the same time he did.

Teal'c: Yet another reason to mourn his passing.

From the same episode

O'Neill's invisible in a fictional episode. Carter's taking a shower.

Maj. Carter: Sir? Are you there?

Long pause

Colonel O'Neill: Nope.

From the episode “200”

Referring to the Stargate

Puppet General Hammond: We created this multi-billion dollar facility under Cheyenne Mountain so that we can use this thing. Anyone know how?

From the same episode

Just before dialing the Stargate

Puppet General Hammond: Sergeant, make it spin!

Puppet Sgt. Harriman: Spin? Sir... it doesn't spin.

Puppet General Hammond: What? It has to spin, it's round. Spinning is so much cooler than not spinning. I am the General, and I want it to spin! Now!

From the same episode

Martin Lloyd: I'm talking about a twist; something nobody's expecting!

General O'Neill: walks in the door You mean something like this?

Vala Mal Doran: I don't think anybody will see that coming.

Dr. Jackson: Nope, there'll be spoilers.

Lt. Colonel Carter: Are you kidding? It'll be in the commercial.

Carter was correct; the scene in which O'Neill appears was part of the commercial for "200"

From the same episode

Dr. Jackson: Uh, you should probably prepare to fire.

Maj. Marks: For the record, I'm always prepared to fire. I just have to press this button here.

Dr. Jackson: Right..I just—I thought that's what you're supposed to say, so...

Maj. Marks: I know.

From the episode "Company of thieves"

Dr. Jackson: We're stuck.

Vala: No we're not!

Everyone looks at Vala

Vala: Well, when we fail to make the scheduled check-in, General Landry will dial in, at which point we'll ask him to send a naquadah generator and a laptop with a dialing program and that's that!

Dr. Jackson: We knew that! I-I-I thought that when I said that we're stuck, that you would know that I meant "until then."

Vala: Well, then you should say what you mean.

Dr. Jackson: I don't think you want me to start doing that.

Vala: I don't think you want to start thinking what I think.

From the episode “Bad guys”

Lt. Col. Mitchell: They cancelled it? Really? I didn't even know the new season had started.

This episode was shot after Stargate SG-1s cancellation was announced, only five episodes had aired

From the episode “Family ties”

Lt. Col. Mitchell: I've said it before, I am all for fighting to the death, but we need a plan, preferably one that avoids the 'to the death' part.

From the episode “Unending”

Lt. Col. Mitchell: See what we need is, we need Superman to fly around the ship really, really fast.

Lt. Col. Carter: Oh, if you only knew how ridiculous that was.

Lt. Col. Mitchell: No, it only sounds ridiculous 'til you hear yourself say, "I am trapped on a spaceship stuck in a time dilation field."

From the same episode

The final scene of the series

General Landry: Dial it up, Walter.

Sgt. Harriman: Yes, sir. starts dialing the Stargate Chevron one encoded.

Lt. Col. Mitchell: That is how we're supposed to travel light-years across the galaxy to other planets. points at the spinning Gate

Sgt. Harriman: Chevron two encoded.

Lt. Col. Mitchell: to Teal'c You know, I'd like to imagine I handled myself well, but...I imagine I went a bit crazy cooped up on that ship for so long.

Teal'c smiles

Sgt. Harriman: Chevron three encoded.

Dr. Jackson: You know, Teal'c did tell me some of the things I learned from the Asgard database.

Vala: He did? Like what?

Dr. Jackson: Oh, boy. What were they?

Sgt. Harriman: Chevron four encoded.

Dr. Jackson: Beggars can't be choosers. Better late than never. Look before you leap.

Lt. Col. Mitchell: The best things in life are free.

Vala: Let me guess, beauty is only skin deep?

Dr. Jackson: Silence is golden.

Sgt. Harriman: Chevron five encoded.

Lt. Col. Mitchell: Jack of all trades, master of none.

Lt. Col. Carter: Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

Vala: Life is too short.

Sgt. Harriman: Chevron six encoded.

Teal'c: Good things come to those who wait.

Lt. Col. Carter: to Teal'c You know, as hard as it is for us not knowing, it must be torture for you not to tell us.

Teal'c: Indeed.

Sgt. Harriman: Chevron seven is locked.

General Landry: Good luck, SG-1.

Lt. Colonel Mitchell: Just another everyday mission to save the galaxy, sir.

SG-1: Indeed.

General Landry: Godspeed.

From the same episode

Mitchell reluctantly takes the command seat of Odyssey

Lt. Col. Mitchell: Weapons to maximum.

Major Marks: Sir?

Lt. Col. Mitchell: It's a joke, Marks. Make it go.

From the movie “The ark of truth”

Thus ends the Stargate quotes, until I get the one from the next movie, can't remember how to spell it and seson five of Atlantis.

“There are a great many people in the country today, who through no fault of their own, are sane.” - The Silly Vicar sketch (Monty Python)

Dr. House: to the crowd in the walk-in clinic's waiting area Hello, sick people and their loved ones! In the interest of saving time and avoiding a lot of boring chitchat later, I'm Doctor Gregory House; you can call me "Greg." I'm one of three doctors staffing this clinic this morning.

Dr. Cuddy: Short, sweet, grab a file.

Dr. House: This ray of sunshine is Doctor Lisa Cuddy. Doctor Cuddy runs this whole hospital, so unfortunately she's much too busy to deal with you. I am a board (emphasized to sound like 'bored')...certified diagnostician with a double specialty in infectious disease and nephrology. I am also the only doctor currently employed at this clinic who is forced to be here against his will.

House turns to face Dr. Cuddy.

Dr. House: That is true, isn't it?

He turns back to the crowd.

Dr. House: But not to worry, because for most of you, this job could be done by a monkey with a bottle of Motrin. Speaking of which, if you're particularly annoying, you may see me reach for this: this is Vicodin. It's mine. You can't have any. And no, I do not have a pain management problem, I have a pain problem. But who knows? Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm too stoned to tell. So, who wants me? nobody moves And who would rather wait for one of the other two guys?

Everybody raises their hands.

Dr. House: Okay. Well, I'll be in Exam Room One if you change your mind.

(From the third episode, and they are yet to better it)

Dr. House: As long as you're trying to be good, you can do whatever you want.

Dr. Wilson: And as long as you're not trying, you can say whatever you want.

Dr. House: So between us, we can do anything. We can rule the world!

Dr. House: Is it still illegal to perform an autopsy on a living person?

Dr. Cuddy: Are you high?

Dr. House: If it's Tuesday, I'm wasted.

Dr. Cuddy: It's Wednesday.

I'm telling you this because you don't get it, you think you get it, which isn't the same as actually getting it. Get it? – Kakashi Hatake

Normal is relative. - Unknown