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Update, 01 February 2011, 12:00 PM Due to a massive amount of reading actual books and reading my stories after, I have decided they are not worth crap. The Void of Time will be posted again, but with massive changes and probably a different title. Also, I have exams this year, therefor I will revise TVoT sometime late summer and deem it worthy of being read before actually posting it. That's all and thank you for your patience. Quotes: I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want? Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up. It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose. Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use. If you can't see the bright side of life, polish the dull side. I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours. An consultant is someone who takes a subject you understand and makes it sound confusing. Join The Army, Visit exotic places, meet strange people, then kill them. I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't. Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need more.(Friend or Money !) When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder. I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out. Always forgive your enemies - Nothing annoys them so much. I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five. He would make a lovely corpse. All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height. "Love is the answer - but while you're waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions." "Children really brighten up a household. They never turn the lights off." "When a man steals your wife there is no better revenge than to let him keep her." Money doesn't make you happy. I now have 50 million but I was just as happy when I had 48 million. Car service: If it ain't broke, we'll break it. If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button. There are three sides of an arguement -- your side, my side and the right side. "Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway." - Joey Adams Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain. Lily Tomlin How Many Roads Must A Man Walk Down Before He Admits Hes lost? Men should be like Kleenex, soft, strong and disposable. - Mrs. White, (Clue 1985) If the opposite of 'pro' is 'con', then what's the opposite of 'progress'? There's a fine line between sanity and insanity and I believe I crossed it a few hundred miles back. See the happy fool--he doesn't give a damn. I wish I was a happy fool. By God--maybe I am! "You're not drunk until you have to hold onto the grass to keep from falling off the Earth." We live in an age where pizza gets to your house before the police Why be difficult, when with just a little bit of effort, you can be impossible? When life gives you lemons, make grape juice, then sit back and let the world wonder how you did it. Heck is the place for people who don't believe in Gosh. When life gives me lemons I throw them back and demand Edward. I'm not a complete idiot. Some parts are missing. I used to have super powers, but then my therapist took them away. I will temporarily rule the world, forever. You want to know who your real friends are? Screw up and see who's still there Don't tell me the sky's the limit, when there's footprints on the moon Don't look at me with that tone of voice! Silence is golden, duck-tape is sliver "PMS: Every woman's legal right to be a a bitch" "Stress: The condition brought on by overriding the body's desire to kick someone's ass" "MENstrual pain, MENstrual cramps, MENtal anxiety, MENopause... godamnit... all of our problems start with MEN!" " 'I love you' is eight letters. And so is 'bullshit' " "When they discover the center of the universe, a lot of people will be disappointed to find out they are not it." The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action. I'm not prejudiced. I hate everyone equally. The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his. You have a right to your opinions. I just don't want to hear them. I'd rather be pissed off than pissed on. Love your enemies. It'll make 'em crazy. “I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.” (Fred Allen) “I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying. “ (Woody Allen) “A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths. “ (Steven Wright) “If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library? “ (Lily Tomlin) “I found there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people. “ “I don’t think anyone should write their autobiography until after they’re dead. “ “Oh, the tiger will love you. There is no sincerer love than the love of food. “ “We’ll love you just the way you are if you’re perfect. “ (Alanis Morissette) “Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them. “ (P. J. O’Rourke) “Airplanes may kill you, but they ain’t likely to hurt you. “ (Satchel Paige) “Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.” (Laurence J. Peter) “We learn from experience that men never learn anything from experience. “ (George Bernard Shaw) “I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific. “ (Lily Tomlin) “If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question? “ (Lily Tomlin) “You want a friend in Washington? Get a dog. “ (Harry S. Truman) “Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company. “ (Mark Twain) ,Humans are the only animal who can have sex over the phone. I don't care what is written about me as long as it isn't true. Men, chocolate, and coffee are all better rich. I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize. "I didn't lose my mind, I sold it on ebay." GROW YOUR OWN DOPE -- PLANT A BLONDE. "POLITICIANS & DIAPERS BOTH NEED TO BE CHANGED, AND FOR THE SAME REASON" None of us are virgins, life has screwed us all Anger is one letter short of danger. If you die, I'll kill you!" They say the truth will set you free. But then why is it that every time I tell the truth I get sent to my room?. "I did my homework! I just forgot to write it down." –Anonymous "When they put unknown at the end of a quote, that means they probably don't no how to spell anonymous" -unknown "I'll kill you until you die!!" "The whole world is going to hell and I'm driving the bus" "Behind every good man there is a good woman and behind that another man looking at her ass" Look out for #1. Don't step in #2 either Copywight 1994 Elmer Fudd. All wights wesewved Dain bramaged Buy a Pentium 586/90 so you can reboot faster Access denied--nah nah na nah nah! Having the love of your life say you can still be friends is like having your dog die and your mom saying you can still keep it My knight in shining armor turned out to be a loser in aluminum foil. Never knock on Death's door, ring the doorbell and run away, he hates that. One day your prince will come. Mine? Oh he took a wrong turn, got lost, and is too stubborn to ask for directions. I'm not afraid of Death, what's it gonna do kill me? If two wrongs don't make a right, try three I'm so gangster, I carry a squirt gun. You say I'm not cool. But cool is another word for cold. If I'm not cold, I'm hot. I know I'm hot. Thanks for embracing it. Life was so simple when boys had cooties! Mothers of teens know why some animals eat their young. When you get caught looking at him, just remember, he was looking back. Ever stop to think and forget to start again? In case you need further proof that the human race is doomed because of stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goo -On a Myer hairdryer: "Do not use while sleeping". -On a bag of Chips: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. Why do we teach kids that violence is not the answer and then have them read about wars in school that solved America's problems? "Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way you're a mile away from them and you have their shoes." "Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most." Therapist = The/rapist... scary thought "Friends are like butt cheeks, shit may come between them, but they always stick together." ~ Anonymous "I like the idea of karma; you can go around and do bad things to people all day assuming they deserve it." ~ Anonymous "Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all the time and have the time of your life." ~ Anonymous Tell the truth and run. All things considered, insanity may be the only reasonable alternative. What happens if you get scared half to death twice? Amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic... "Have you ever noticed that if you rearranged the letters in mother in law, they come out to Woman Hitler?" You cry, I cry, you laugh, I laugh, you fall off a cliff, I laugh even harder I'm the kind of girl who will burst out laughing in the middle of a dead silence because of something that happened yesterday. "Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else" "Real girls aren't perfect, perfect girls aren't real." When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car. They say "Guns don't kill people, people kill people." Well, I think the guns help. If you stood there and yelled BANG, I don't think you'd kill too many people. Ever had writers block when talking? Life isn't passing me by, it's trying to run me over. Smile, and the world will smile back at you. Laugh, and they'll all think you're on drugs. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear intelligent until you hear them speak. If I could get a firm grip on reality, I'd choke it. You're just jealous because the voices in my head talk to me and not you. What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? Men are like bank accounts.Without a lot of money they don't generate a lot of interest. "Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss." - Douglas Adams Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance? I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. - Henny Youngman Everyone needs believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer. "REMEMBER WHEN" REMEMBER WHEN .. Put This In Your Profile If You're Still 5 Inside...No Matter How Old You Are Now | |||||||
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