Warning: The Doll House is nothing like Bella Swan: Kidnapper. I like variety. Just because you like one, doesn't mean you'll like the other, but you're welcome to give them both a shot. Just thought I'd be nice and let you know before you started reading.

Click on the titles for artwork. I've been practicing my photoshop skills. Pictures, deleted scenes, and occasional ramblings can be found here.

The Doll House: If you don't like horror films, you probably won't like this one. Parts of it are gory, so if you don't like that sort of thing, I wouldn't advise reading this. It's only fifteen chapters, because I'm a wimp and creeped myself out while writing it.

Bella Swan: Kidnapper: I just discovered it has a thread on Twilighted. It was nominated for a Bellie Award and won a Golden Chocolate Award for the best comedy category! Now, it's nominated for a Twi-Award and a Mystic Award. Go check them out and nominate your favorites. Thanks for the those who nominated me. I pretty much love you. I owe the ladies of Temptation: A Twilight Fanfiction Podcast for at least half of my readers. Also, here are the reviews/recs from The Fictionators and So You Think You Can Write and Southern Fan Fiction Review and The Backporch.

Officer Goodbody: I wrote this one for the people who wanted to know what the hell Jake and Nessie were thinking. There's a really nice rec for it over at Alphas and Imprints.

Hello my fellow fanfiction addicts. On a dark and stormy night twenty-two years ago, two lovely teenagers had a little too much to drink after a rock concert, and nine months later, they had me! Where the name Kambria came from, they have yet to tell me. Maybe Mom was high on painkillers during the whole giving birth thing... I wouldn't blame her. I'm the fourth out of five children with two brothers and two sisters. Anyway, now I am a super cool (according to most people... okay some people... damn it... my Dad thinks I'm cool) studio muscian. I am a drummer! (One of the most awesome jobs ever.)

Now here's the part where some of you will no longer like me (assuming you did to start with). I'm a closet Twilight fan. I know, I know. It is pathetic that I will not come out in the open and proclaim to my friends that "I Heart Edward Cullen", but the guys in my band would never let me live it down. I spend half of my life on a bus with those freaks, and I've got them all convinced that I am one tough chick who would never read a love story. They fear me, and I need to keep it that way for as long as possible. I can't have them finding out about my soft side. I shudder to think what might happen.

Before you read any of my stories, there are a few things I should probably tell you.

(1) I will never make Jacob the bad guy. I'm a firm believer that you can be Team Edward and still love Jake.

(2) I like Renesmee. I always make her completely OOC, but that's just because we don't really know how she turned out.

(3) I don't like to make Tanya a villain. I have a tendency to make her slutty, but she did refer to herself as the original succubus, so I don't feel guilty about that.

(4) I tend to make Bella OOC. I have nothing against her. I'm just not that great at writing her canon self.

(5) I love to read smut, but I don't write a ton of it, simply because it's so damn difficult. I usually write a scene or two when I think the plot needs it, but that's it.

(6) I don't like to rush the Edward and Bella lovin', so if you're looking for it to happen in the first couple of chapters, I apologize.

(7) I'm a sucker for a Happy Ending. I know they don't always happen in real life, but if I wanted real life, I'd watch the news, not read fanfiction.

As a reader: I was all about being blunt. When I didn’t like something, I said so. As a writer: Now I feel completely different. These stories are free. If I don’t like something, it’s not as though I wasted my money. My point? We’re all entitled to our opinions, but don’t suck the fun out of this for the writer or yourself. It's easy to insult someone when you're hiding behind your computer (especially when you do it anonymously), but being mean is never cool. There's a difference between offering constructive criticism and being a bitch. Don't be a bitch. Be happy. Eat some cake or something. I recommend Pillsbury's Strawberry Supreme... It's good stuff.

For my reviewers: I don’t mind if you PM me to let me know I made a mistake. The little ones I’m not so concerned about, but there are some things I am happy to go back and correct. I may act like an idiot, but I don’t want to write like one. Also, if you don't like something, PM me. I'll gladly explain why I wrote it that way.

Translations!

Bella Swan: Kidnapper - Spanish - Portuguese - French - Polish

Officer Goodbody - Spanish - Polish