I used up all of my sick days...so I'm calling in dead.

Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

When life gives you lemons squeeze them in somebody's eyes and RUN!

My imaginary friend thinks you have mental problems.

If you don't like my driving then stay off the sidewalk!

If two wrongs dont make a right then how come two
negatives make a positive?

Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

If you try to fail and succeed, which have you
done?

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

Why do companies offer you "free gifts" Since when has a gift NOT been free?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say
"I think Ill squeeze these dangly things here and
drink what comes out"?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to
kill himself is it considered a hostage situation?

Pick the ones that fit you (Mine will be bold)

I'm RICH, so I MUST be a conceited snob.

I wear BLACK, so I MUST be a goth or emo.

I'm BLONDE, so I MUST be a stupid ditz.

I'm BLACK, so I MUST carry a gun.

I'm ASIAN, so I MUST be smart.

I'm NOT LIKE EVERYONE ELSE, so I MUST be a loser.

I'm JEWISH, so I MUST be greedy.

I'm GAY, so I MUST have AIDS.

I'm ARAB, so I MUST be a terrorist.

I SPEAK MY MIND, so I MUST be a bitch.

I'm RELIGIOUS, so I MUST shove my beliefs down your throat.

I'm an ATHEIST, so I MUST hate the world.

I DON'T HAVE A RELIGION, so I MUST be evil and not have morals.

I'm REPUBLICAN, so I MUST not care about poor people.

I'm DEMOCRAT, so I MUST not believe in being responsible.

I'm JAMICAN so I MUST smoke weed.

I'm SOUTHERN, so I MUST be white trash.

I TAKE (or used to take) ANTI-DEPRESSANTS, so I MUST be crazy.

I'm a GUY, so I MUST only want to get into your pants.

I'm IRISH, so I MUST have a bad drinking problem.

I'm INDIAN, so I MUST own a convenient store.

I'm NATIVE AMERICAN, so I MUST dance around a fire screaming like a savage.

I'm PREPPY, so I MUST shun those who don't wear Abercrombie & Hollister.

I'm a CHEERLEADER, so I MUST be a stuck up whore.

I wear skirts a lot, so I MUST be a slut.

I'm YOUNG, so I MUST be naive.

I'm CUBAN, so I MUST spend my spare time rolling cigars.

I'm MEXICAN, so I MUST have hopped the border.

I'm NOT A VIRGIN, so I MUST be easy.

I'm ITALIAN, so I MUST have a big peter.

I GOT A CAR FOR MY BIRTHDAY, so I MUST be a spoiled brat.

I'm PRETTY, so I MUST not be a virgin.

I HAVE STRAIGHT A'S, so I MUST have no social life.

I DYE MY HAIR CRAZY COLORS, so I MUST be looking for attention.

I DRESS IN UNUSUAL WAYS so I MUST be looking for attention.

I'm a VEGETARIAN, so I MUST be a crazy political activist.

I HAVE A BUNCH OF GUY FRIENDS, so I MUST be fucking them all.

I HAVE A BUNCH OF GIRLS WHO ARE FRIENDS, so I MUST be gay.

I'm COLOMBIAN, so I MUST be a drug dealer.

I'm GERMAN, so I MUST be a Nazi.

I'm BRAZILIAN, so I MUST have a BIG BUTT.

I'm HAWAIIAN, so I MUST be lazy.

I'm a VIRGIN, so I MUST be a prude.

I'm a FEMALE GAMER, so I MUST be ugly or crazy.

I'm BLACK, so I MUST love watermelon and fried chicken.

I'm ASIAN, so I MUST have a small penis.

I'm a GUY CHEERLEADER, so I MUST be gay.

I'm SKINNY, so I MUST be anorexic.

I'm PREP, so I MUST be rich.

I have a lot of FRIENDS, so I MUST love to drink and party.

I’m CHRISTIAN, so I MUST hate homosexuals.

I don't like to be in a BIG GROUP, so I MUST be anti-social.

I have a DIFFERENT sense of HUMOR, so I MUST be crazy.

I tell people OFF, so I MUST be an over controlling bitch.

I'm TEXAN so I MUST ride a horse

I’m a GOTH, so I MUST be a Satanist

I am a FANGIRL so I MUST be a crazy, obsessed stalker.

I'm an ONLY CHILD so I MUST be spoiled.

I am AMERICAN so I MUST be an obese, loud-mouthed and arrogant.

I'm CANADIAN, so I MUST love hockey and beavers.

I'm a FEMINIST, so I MUST have a problem with sexuality and I want to castrate every man on the earth.

I'm a TEENAGER, so I MUST have a STEREOTYPE.

I'm ENGLISH, so I MUST have bad teeth.

I’m WHITE, so I MUST be responsible for everything going wrong on the planet.

I care about the ENVIRONMENT, so I MUST be a tree hugging hippy.

I'm PAGAN so I MUST worship Satan

I'm CONSERVATIVE, so I MUST be against Abortion.

I'm SWEDISH so I MUST be a tall blonde blue-eyed lesbian.

I like READING, so I MUST be a LONER.

I have my OWN spiritual ideology; therefore I MUST be WRONG.

I am WICCAN, so I MUST be a SATANIST.

I DISAGREE with my government, so I MUST be a TERRORIST.

I'm a PERSON, so I MUST be LABELED

I don’t CURSE, so I MUST be an outcast

I'm SWEDISH, so I MUST be WHITE.

I’m STRONG so I MUST be stupid.

I'm Australian so I MUST hunt crocodiles and talk to kangaroo’s

I don’t want a BOYFRIEND so I MUST be Lesbian.

I'm NOT CHRISTIAN so I MUST just need converting.

I’m RUSSIAN, so I MUST love Vodka and Caviar.

I have ARTISTIC TALENT, so I MUST think little of those who don't.

I hang out with GAYS, so I MUST be GAY TOO.

I'm an OG so I must be Mexican.

I'm WHITE and have black friends so i MUST think I'm black.

I'm in a BAND, so I MUST be a dork.

I'm BLACK so I MUST believe JESUS WUZ A BROTHA.

I'm MORMON so I MUST be perfect.

I'm MIXED so I must be fucked up.

I'm a STONER so I MUST be going in the wrong direction.

I'm STRAIGHT EDGE so I must be violent.

I'm BLACK so I must love fried chicken and kool-aid.

I'm BI so I MUST think every girl I see is hot.

I'm a GIRL who actually EATS LUNCH, so I MUST be fat.

I'm SINGLE so I MUST be ugly.

I'm ASIAN, so I must be a NERD that does HOMEWORK 24/7.

I'm PUERTO RICAN, so I MUST look good and be conceited.

I'm SALVADORIAN, so I MUST be in MS 13.

I WEAR WHAT I WANT, so I MUST be a poser.

I'm RUSSIAN, so I MUST be cool and that's how Russians roll.

I have BOOBS, so I MUST be a hoe.

I FELL IN LOVE WITH A MARRIED MAN, so I MUST be a home-wrecking whore.

I'm a TEENAGE MOM, so I MUST be an irresponsible slut.

I'm POLISH, so I MUST wear my socks with my sandals.

I'm ITALIAN, so I must have a big DICK.

I'm EGYPTIAN, so I must be a TERRORIST!

I'm a CHEERLEADER, so I MUST be a whore...

I'm a DANCER, so I MUST be stupid, stuck up, and a whore.

I'm EMO, so I MUST cut my wrists.

I'm a GAY RIGHTS SUPPORTER, so I WILL go to hell.

I'm HAITIAN, so I MUST eat cat.

I'm ASIAN, so I MUST be sexy.

I'm a WHITE GIRL, so I MUST be a nagging, steal-your-money kind of girlfriend.

I love SHOPPING, so i MUST be rich.

I like MUSIC THAT MOST PEOPLE HATE, so I MUST be a rebel and hate society.

I don't like MUSIC THAT MOST PEOPLE DROOL OVER , so I MUST be a rebel and hate society.

I listen to heavy metal, metal, rock, or alternative music, so I MUST have some serious issues.

I listen to My Chemical Romance, Three Days Grace, or Linkin Park, so I MUST be emo.

I love MINDLESS SELF INDULGENCE, so I MUST be some gay freak who hates rules and order.

If you hate stereotypes and think people should just SHUT UP AND STOP, POST THIS!

I am the girl kicked out of her home because I confided in my mother that I am a lesbian.
I am the prostitute working the streets because nobody will hire a transsexual woman.
I am the sister who holds her gay brother tight through the painful, tear-filled nights.
We are the parents who buried our daughter long before her time.
I am the man who died alone in the hospital because they would not let my partner of twenty-seven years into the room.
I am the foster child who wakes up with nightmares of being taken away from the two fathers who are the only loving family I have ever had. I wish they could adopt me.
I am one of the lucky ones, I guess. I survived the attack that left me in a coma for three weeks, and in another year I will probably be able to walk again.
I am not one of the lucky ones. I killed myself just weeks before graduating high school. It was simply too much to bear.
We are the couple who had the Realtor hang up on us when she found out we wanted to rent a one-bedroom for two men.
I am the person who never knows which bathroom I should use if I want to avoid getting the management called on me.
I am the mother who is not allowed to even visit the children I bore, nursed, and raised. The court says I am an unfit mother because I now live with another woman.
I am the domestic-violence survivor who found the support system grow suddenly cold and distant when they found out my abusive partner is also a woman.
I am the domestic-violence survivor who has no support system to turn to because I am male.
I am the father who has never hugged his son because I grew up afraid to show affection to other men.
I am the home-economics teacher who always wanted to teach gym until someone told me that only lesbians do that.
I am the man who died when the paramedics stopped treating me as soon as they realized I was transsexual.
I am the person who feels guilty because I think I could be a much better person if I did not have to always deal with society hating me.
I am the man who stopped attending church, not because I don't believe, but because they closed their doors to my kind.
I am the person who has to hide what this world needs most, love.
I am the person who is afraid of telling his loving Christian parents he loves another male.

Re-post this if you believe homophobia is wrong. Please do your part to end it

If you have ever run into a door, copy this into your profile.

If you have ever had a mad laughing fit for absolutely no reason, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you have ever pushed on a door that said pull or vice versa, copy this into your profile.

If you know someone who should be run over by a bus, copy this to your profile.

If you have ever tripped over your own feet, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you have ever said something that has nothing to do with the current conversation, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you hear voices in your head, copy and paste this onto your profile!

If you KNOW the voices in your head are real, copy and paste this onto your profile!

If you are obsessed with fanfiction copy this into your profile.

If you have your own little world, copy and paste this into your profile.

If your profile is long, copy and paste this on it to make it even longer.

If your friends are WEIRD (But not as weird as you) put this on your profile.

If you've ever asked a really stupid, obvious question, copy and paste this one your profile.

My best friend is insane. If you agree, or if you have an insane friend, copy this into your profile!

If you've ever copied and pasted something onto your profile, copy and paste this onto your profile.

If you ever forgotten what you were talking about in a conversation copy and paste this into your profile.

If you have ever forgotten what you were going to say, right before you say it, copy this into your profile.

I'm bored...If you're bored then paste this in your profile and let the world know you have nothing to do...

If you are aware that so many people nowadays pretend to be someone they're not, copy this on your profile.

If you realize that copying and pasting things into your profile is pointless, yet you do it anyways, copy and paste this into your profile.

Weird is good, strange is bad, and odd is when you don't know which to call someone. Weird is the same as different, which is the same as unique, than weird is good. If you are weird and proud of it, copy this onto your profile.

Ninety-five percent of the kids out there are concerned with being popular and fitting in. If you're part of the five percent who aren't, copy this, put it in your profile, and add your name to the list. AnimeKittyCafe, Hyperactivley Bored, Gem W, Bara-Minamino, Yavie Aelinel, Crazy Billie Joe Loving Freak, Shadow929, The Astrology Nerd, brown-eyed angelofmusic, piratesswriter/fairy to be, The Gypsy-Pirate Queen, watching-waiting-wishing, 100-percent-Harry-Potter-obsessed, iluvdavidwright45, dianeandnumairareahotcouple,windsoft iti, Ilovethelittletacos...Ilovethemgood, i-have-issues-deal-with-it ,Sn1ck3rD00dl3, Annoyed Child, Ryu-chan the koorime,sqishy-muffin, AkatsukiFan, Shifter-youkai, ChOpStIcKsXOXO, RadicalEd57, Nigellica, Getting-up-for-the-let-down, LforLife123, Eiliah, BlackRoseKoyuki,

If you have ever fallen up the stairs copy this into your profile.

If you have a very wide range of interests, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you've been on the computer for hours on end, reading numerous fanfictions, copy this onto your profile, and add your name to this list: Danyan, Avatarwolf, Shifter-youkai, ChOpstIcKsXOXO, RadicalEd57, Nigellica, Getting-up-for-the-let-down, LforLife123, Eiliah, BlackRoseKoyuki,

Copy this into your profile if you like bagels.

93 percent of American teens would have a severe emotional breakdown if someone called them a freak. If you're a part of the 7 percent who would ask the person, "What was your first clue?", copy this into your profile and add your name to the list: Sunlit Goddess of the C.O.C.A., Moonlit Goddess of the C.O.C.A., Evil Genius of the COCA, Invader Miley Phantom, dAnnYsGiRl777, BloodySalvation, Lady Lost-A-Lot, bellabookworm9, Bella Masen Cullen, Alice001, HeartOfAgony, sorceress-of-faith, Ribbon-chan03, LaughsLikeGirl, Zakuro17, Getting-up-for-the-let-down, LforLife123, Eiliah, BlackRoseKoyuki,

A good friend will comfort you when you break up with him, a BEST friend will call him whispering: Seven days...

All the good ones are gay, married, or fictional.

If your best friend is obsessed with a fictional character, copy and paste this into your profile.

A stranger stabs you in the front; a friend stabs you in the back; a boyfriend stabs you in the heart, but best friends just poke each other with straws.

If all my friends were to jump off a bridge, I wouldn't jump with them; I would be at the bottom to catch them.

A good friend helps you get up after you trip. A BEST FRIEND laughs and trips you AGAIN.

16 THINGS TO DO AT WAL-MART

1. Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they aren't looking.

2. Set all the alarm clocks in Electronics to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.

4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, " 'Code 3' in housewares"... and see what happens.

5. Go the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.

6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

9. Look right into the security camera & use it as a mirror, and pick your nose.

10. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti - depressants are.

11. Dart around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

12. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look" using different size funnels.

13. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream "NO! NO! It's those voices again!"

15. Go into a fitting room and shut the door and wait a while and then yell, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!

16. Get several bouncy balls and throw them down an aisle shouting "pikachu, I choose you!"

Repost this if you laughed...
Or are planning to do any of these things

You're a 90's kid if:

You can finish this 'ice ice _'
You remember watching Doug, Ren & Stimpy, Pinky and the Brain, Bobby's World, Felix the cat, The Tick...AAAAAAAH Real Monsters!
You've ever ended a sentence with the word "PSYCHE!"
You just cant resist finishing this . . . "Iiiiiiin west philidelphia born and raised . . ."
You remember TGIF, Step by Step, Family Matters, Dinosaurs, and Boy Meets World.
You remember when it was actually worth getting up early on a Saturday to watch cartoons.
You got super excited when it was Oregon Trail day in computer class at school.
You remember reading "Goosebumps"
You took plastic cartoon lunch boxes to school.
You still get the urge to say "NOT" after (almost) every sentence . . . not
If you remember seeing hot tub bubbles make bubbly sounds before every music video on VH1.
when everything was settled by rock paper scissors..or bubble gum bubble gum in a dish...eeny meeny miney mo...and even better daddy had a donkey inky binky bonky.
You used to listen to the radio all day long just to record your FAVORITE song of ALL time.
"Where in the World is Carmen San Diego?" was both a game and a TV game show.
Captain Planet. He's a Hero.
You knew that Kimberly, the pink ranger, and Tommy, the green ranger, were meant to be together.
You remember when Super Nintendos and Sega Genisis became popular.
You always wanted to send in a tape to America's Funniest Home Videos . . . but never taped anything funny.
You remember watching Home Alone 1, 2 , and 3 . . . and tried to pull the pranks on "intruders"
You remember watching The Magic School Bus, Wishbone, and Reading Rainbow on PBS.
You remember when Yo-Yos were cool.
You remember those Where's Waldo books.
You remember eating Warheads.
You remember watching the 1st Batman, Aladdin, Ninja Turtles, and 3 Ninjas movies.
You remember Ring Pops.
You remember drinking Surge, and Tang.
If you remember when every thing was "da BOMB!"
When they made the new lunchables so that you could make pizza AND tacos.
You remember boom boxes vs. cd players.
Making those little paper cootie-catcher things, and then predicting your life with them.
You played and/or collected "Pogs"
You had at least one Tamagotchi, GigaPet, or Nano and brought it everywhere.
. . . Furbies
Saved By The Bell was the coolest show ever!
You haven't always had a computer, and it was cool to have the internet.
And Windows 95 was the best.
You watched the original cartoons of Rugrats, Power Rangers, and Ninja Turtles.
Michael Jordan was a king.
YIKES pencils and erasers were the stuff!
All your school supplies were "Lisa Frank" brand.
You remember when the new Beanie Babies and Talking Elmo were always sold out.
You collected those Beanie Babies.
Mortal Kombat was awesome--the game and the movie
Carebears
Gak was the coolest stuff invented.
Lambchop's song never ended.
The old dollar bills.
Silver dollars, which were cool to have.
You remember a time before the WB.
You collected all the Troll dolls
You had to read Weekly Reader's in class.
If you even know what an original walkman is.
You remember wanting to sit on the orange Nickelodeon couch.
You've gotten creeped out by "Are You Afraid of the Dark?"
You know the Macarena by heart.
"Talk to the hand" . . . enough said
You always said, "Then why don't you marry it?!"
You remember trying to collect all 150 original pokemon cards but never could and if you did you thought you were all that!
You remember Highlight's magazine.
You went to McDonald's to play in the playplace.
You remember playing on merry go rounds at the playground.
Before the MySpace frenzy . . .
Before the Internet & text messaging . . .
Before Sidekicks & iPods . . .
Before MIKE JONES . . .
Before PlayStation2 or X-BOX . . .
Before Spongebob . . .
Back when you put off the 5 hours of homework you had every night.
When light up sneakers were cool.
When you rented VHS tapes, not DVDs.
When gas was 0.95 a gallon & Caller ID was The new thing.
When we recorded stuff on VCRs.
When we called the radio station to request songs to hear off of our walkmans.
When gameboy was a brick.
You did MASH to figure out your future
When you weren't cool unless you had a Starter jacket.
Way back.
Before we realized all this would eventually disappear.
Who would have thought you'd miss the 90's so much!!
Post this in your profile if you remember these days . . . .
or if you smiled at one of these things.

Repost this if you believe homophobia is wrong

If you don't have a problem with homosexuality, copy this into your profile.

1) Being gay is not natural. Real Americans always reject unnatural things like eyeglasses, polyester, liposuction and air conditioning.
2) Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.
3) Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract.
4) Straight marriage has been around a long time and hasn't changed at all; women are still property, blacks still can't marry whites, and divorce is still illegal.
5) Straight marriage will be less meaningful if gay marriage were allowed; the sanctity of Brittany Spears' 55-hour just-for-fun marriage would be destroyed.
6) Straight marriages are valid because they produce children. Gay couples, infertile couples, and old people shouldn't be allowed to marry because our orphanages aren't full yet, and the world needs more children.
7) Obviously gay parents will raise gay children, since straight parents only raise straight children. (So where did the gay people come from...)
8) Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country. That's why we have only one religion in America.
9) Children can never succeed without a male and a female role model at home. That's why we as a society expressly forbid single parents to raise children.
10) Gay marriage will change the foundation of society; we could never adapt to new social norms. Just like we haven't adapted to cars, the service-sector economy, or longer life spans...

Why do people get married? Normally, in this ADVANCED day and age, we marry for love.

Here in the United States of America, we claim to be the "greatest country on earth"! We have iPods, operations to have triple-D size boobs, liposuction that can make a person lose four hundred pounds, and highly advanced technology.

For the most part, we've gotten rid of religious persecution. We've gotten rid of a lot (but not all) segregation. Why can't we just accept homosexuality?

If you are like me and totally support homosexuals, copy and paste this into your profile. They are people just like you and me, so don't hate them just because their sexuality is different.

I SUPPORT MARRIAGE FOR LOVE!