My Mind:

-My mind is like a steel trap- rusty and illegal in 37 states.

-My mind works like lightning...one flash and then it's gone.

-You think I'm crazy? Well, at least I admit it.

-Do not disturb. I’m disturbed enough already.

-The doctor say I have multiple personality disorder. We disagree with that.

-I'm not insane... I just do whatever the voices tell me to.

-I'm not paranoid... WHICH ONE OF MY ENEMIES TOLD YOU THIS!?

-Excuse me. Have you seen my sanity? I think I've lost it...

-Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.

-Only crazy people can understand the brilliance of crazy things. If you are crazy and proud of it, copy and paste this into your profile!

Most people would be offended if someone asked them what was wrong with their mind. Copy this into your profile if you would be one of the few people that would answer, "where to begin?"

20 ways to maintain a healthy level of insanity:

1. At lunch time sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hairdryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

4. Put a garbage can on your desk and label it "IN"

5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for three weeks. Once everyone is over their caffeine addictions, switch to expresso.

6. Finish all your sentences with "In Accordance to the Prophecy".

7. Don't use any punctuation.

8. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

9. Specify that your drive thru order is "To Go".

10. Sing along at the Opera.

11. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

12. Put mosquito netting around your work area and play tropical sounds all day.

13. When the money comes out of the ATM scream "I WON I WON!!"

14. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling "Run for your lives, they're loose!!"

15. Tell your children over dinner, "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."

16. Skip down the hall rather than walk and see how many looks you get.

17. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat with a serious face.

18. Five days in advance tell your friends you can't attend their party because you have a headache.

19. In the memo field of all your checks, write "For smuggling diamonds"

20. Send this to your friends to make them smile- It's called therapy.

FRIENDS/BEST FRIENDS:

FRIENDS: Will comfort you when he rejects you.

BEST FRIENDS: Will go up and ask him, "It's because you're gay, isn't it?"

FRIENDS: Will be there for you when he breaks up with you.

BEST FRIENDS: Will call him up and whisper, "Seven days..."

FRIENDS: Helps you up when you fall.

BEST FRIENDS: Keeps on walking saying, "Walk much, dumb ass?"

FRIENDS: Helps you find your prince.

BEST FRIENDS: Kidnaps him and brings him to you.

FRIENDS: Will ask you if you're okay when you're crying.

BEST FRIENDS: Will laugh at you and say, "Ha Ha, Loser!"

FRIENDS: Will offer you a soda.

BEST FRIENDS: Will dump theirs on you.

FRIENDS: Will sit at the side of the pool with you at that time of the month.

BEST FRIENDS: Will throw you a tampon and push you in.

FRIENDS: Gives you their umbrella in the rain.

BEST FRIENDS: Takes yours and says, "Run - beep - run!"

FRIENDS: Will help you move.

BEST FRIENDS: Will help you move the bodies.

FRIENDS: Will bail you out of jail.

BEST FRIENDS: Would be in the room next to you saying, "That was awesome! Let's do it again!"

FRIENDS: Never ask for anything to eat or drink.

BEST FRIENDS: Helps themselves and are the reason why you have no food.

FRIENDS: Call your parents by Mr. and Mrs. and Grandpa, by Grandpa.

BEST FRIENDS: Call your parents DAD and MUM and Grandpa, GRAMPS!

FRIENDS: Would bail you out of jail.

BEST FRIENDS: Would be sitting next to you saying "DAMN! we messed up!"

FRIENDS: Have never seen you cry.

BEST FRIENDS: Won't tell everyone else you cried... just laugh about it with you in private when you're not down anymore.

FRIENDS: Asks you to write down your number.

BEST FRIENDS: Have you on speed dial.

FRIENDS: Borrows your stuff for a few days, then gives it back.

BEST FRIENDS: Loses your stuff and tells you, "My bad...here's a tissue."

FRIENDS: Only know a few things about you.

BEST FRIENDS: Could write a very embarrassing biography on your life story...

FRIENDS: Would knock on your front door.

BEST FRIENDS: Walk right in and say "I'M HOME."

FRIENDS: You have to tell not to tell anyone.

BEST FRIENDS: Already know not to tell.

FRIENDS: Are only through high school/college.

BEST FRIENDS: Are for life.

FRIENDS: Will be there to take your drink away from you when they think you've had enough.

BEST FRIENDS: Will look at you stumbling all over the place and say "Girl, drink the rest of that! You know we don't waste!"

FRIENDS: Would read and ignore this.

BEST FRIENDS: Will repost this crap!

My Mother Taught Me

1. My mother taught me RELIGION.

"You’d better pray that will come out of the carpet."

2. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.

"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of
next week!"

3. My mother taught me LOGIC.

"Because I said so, that's why."

4. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.

"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not coming to the
store with me."

5. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.

"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

6. My mother taught me IRONY.

"Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about."

7. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.

"Shut your mouth and eat your dinner."

8. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.

"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck?"

9. My mother taught me about STAMINA.

"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

10. My mother taught me about WEATHER.

"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

11. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.

"If I’ve told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

12. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.

"I brought you into this world and I can take you out."

13. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.

"Stop acting like your father!"

14. My mother taught me about ENVY.

"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't
have wonderful parents like you do."

15. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.

"Just wait until we get home."

16. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.

"You are going to get it when you get home!"

17. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.

"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they’re going to freeze that
way."

18. My mother taught me ESP.

"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you’re cold?"

19. My mother taught me HUMOR.

"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes don't come running to me."

20. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.

"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

21. My mother taught me GENETICS.

"You're just like your father."

22. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.

"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

23. My mother taught me WISDOM.

"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

24. My mother taught me SHAPE-SHIFTING.

"You'll turn into a sausage if you eat any more.”

25. My mother taught me CONSEQUENCES.

"If you don't tidy up your room, there'll be hell to pay."

26. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.

"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished
cleaning."

Jacob Black glared at the children dressed as vampires and knew it wasn't right when he lied and told them that there was no candy left.

"I'm not easily distracted I- hey, is that guy sparkling!?"

"Fine, take your banana!"

When life gives you lemons make lemonade.

When life gives you lemons make grape juice, then sit back and let the world wonder how you did it.

When life gives you lemons alter their DNA and make super lemons.

When life gives you lemons go out and buy vodka.

When life gives you lemons say, "Lemons? I like lemons. What else have you got?"

When Life gives you lemons throw them back and shout, "I said APPLES!! I hate lemonade!!"

"I'm allergic to flour. I'm allergic to ocean water...and dental floss. I'm also allergic to air!"

"Psh, screw the Dark Side. So what if they have cookies? Come to the Light Side, we have L!"

Officer, I swear to drunk I'm not God!

Sometimes I wonder, "Why is the Frisbee getting bigger?" Then it hits me.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

If at first you don't succeed- cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.

"A conclusion is the part where you got tired of thinking."

"At my lemonade stand I used to give away the first glass for free and charge five dollars for the refill. It contained the antidote."

Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.

War doesn't determine who's right. War determines who's left.

"Don't criticize my mess unless you'd like to become a part of it."

"I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by."

Fake is the new trend. I guess everyone’s in style.

I didn’t say that it was your fault…I said I was going to blame you.

Copying from a single source is called plagarism, copying from multiple source is called research.

"Maybe this world is another planet's hell."

"To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target."

Do not run in the school hall. Gliding is more fun.

I had a friend once. Then the rope broke and he got away.

I like you. When I rule the world, your death shall be quick and painless.

Isn't it funny that the word 'politics' is made up of the words 'poli' meaning 'many' and 'tics' as in 'bloodsucking creatures'?

The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy.

I used to care, but I take a pill for that now.

Always forgive your enemies- nothing annoys them as much.

Of course it's in the last place you look for it. Why in hell would you keep looking for it if you've already found it!?

Sometimes I lie awake at night and ask, "Where have I gone wrong?" Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night."

The problem with political jokes is that very often they get elected.

Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way you're a mile away from them and you have their shoes.

Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us to walk and talk, and the rest of it telling us to sit down and shut up.

Therapist = The/rapist... scary thought.

You say I'm not cool. But cool is another word for cold. If I'm not cold, I'm hot. I know I'm hot. Thanks for embracing it.

Did you just call me a bitch? Well a bitch is a dog, and dogs bark, bark is on trees, trees are part of nature and nature is beautiful. So yeah, thanks for the compliment.

I was gifted but the psychiatrist took away my powers.

I used to be normal, until I met the freaks I call my friends.

You cry, I cry; you laugh, I laugh; you fall off a cliff, I laugh even harder.

When it rains on my party, I bust out the slip n' slide.

There are three kinds of people in the world; ones that can count and ones that can't.

There are 10 kinds of people in the world; those who know binary, and those who don't.

I am on a quest to the deepest, darkest corners of my room in search of what some would call "a floor" - a long and difficult task awaits me. Wish me luck my friends for I may not return alive.

They say "Guns don't kill people, people kill people." Well I think the guns help. If you stood there and yelled BANG, I don't think you'd kill too many people.

If your heart was really broken...you'd be dead, so shut up.

Taste the rainbow- eat CRAYONS!

"Flying is simple. You just throw yourself at the ground and miss."

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the night sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling?!

The only reason people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory.

I'm not ALWAYS late. Sometimes I don't show up.

You're not yourself today. I noticed the improvement immediately.

When there's a will, I want to be in it.

I'm not prejudiced. I hate everyone equally.

Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean that they're not out to get you.

Remember what you just said, because tomorrow I am going to have a witty and sarcastic comeback and you'll be devastated then!

If you're a serial killer, GET THE HECK AWAY FROM ME. If you're a cereal killer, GET THE HECK AWAY FROM MY CHEERIOS.

Be a loser! Because being cool is sooo overrated!

I agree with the dictionary. Girls before guys, partying before studying, and friends before love.

I don't obsess! I think intensely.

Dear heart, I met a boy today, prepare to shatter.

My knight in shining armour turned out to be a loser in aluminium foil.

If annoyed further, I shall bring death upon you with my lovely cheese grater.

I'm the kind of girl who will burst out laughing in the middle of a dead silence because of something that happened yesterday.

I hear voices, and they don't like you.

You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me.

My imaginary friend thinks you have serious problems.

Hard work never killed anyone but I'm not taking any chances.

I don't have anything against work. I just figure, why deprive somebody who really loves it?

Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

It's better to be quiet and thought stupid than to open your mouth and confirm it.

"Stab with sharp object to open."

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Join the army, visit exotic places, meet strange people- then kill them.

When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, no one forgets.

There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved by a suitable application of high explosives.

You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

“Truth is more of a stranger than fiction.”

“To live is the rarest thing; most people only exist.”

“Evil is just another human invention.”

In the 1960s people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.

A man’s inability to put things together without help and strict instructions is proof that God is a woman.

“Hello. This is your life speaking. You have no idea what you're doing. Do you?”

Our survival requires bold, decisive, visionary leadership. So basically we’re all screwed.

The future is merciless and inescapable, and barreling towards me at 60 minutes an hour.

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

"There will come a day when you have lost all hope. There will come a day when all is gone and forgotten in your life. There will come a day when you no longer have the will to survive. There will come a day when you have nothing, when you are hungry, homeless, penniless and miserable. There will come a day when you are depressed and forlorn, when the world is nothing but a flat plain of suffering and you are just a shell of a former person. And when that day does come...I'll be there to make it worse."

"I once had a life. Now I have a computer."

"Ah, fanfiction dot net. A place for writers and people who think that they're writers."

Dehydration is thirsty work.

I'm not superstitious- it brings bad luck.

"People want to know why I write such gross stuff. I tell them I have the heart of a small boy- and I keep it in a jar on my desk." (Stephen King).

Fat people are harder to kidnap.

I want to do that thing when you put a map of the world on your wall and put pins in all the places you've been to. But first I'll have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it doesn't fall down.

Whose cruel idea was it for the words 'lisp' to have an 's' in it?

I’m not saying you’re stupid, I’m just implying it.

I'm the kind of person that walks into a door and apologizes.

You know it's going to be a bad day when you fall out of bed and miss the floor.

EMO--Extravagantly Made Origami

I've got ADD and magic markers. Oh, the fun I will have!

Don’t knock on death’s door. Ring the bell and run. He hates that.

I'm not random. You just can't think as fast as I can.

This is my clone. I'm actually someplace else having a much better time.

Losing is nature’s way of saying you suck.

If you're not living on the edge, you're taking up to much space.

La la la la I can't hear you.

Caution: does not play well with others.

Ask me if I care...

C.S.I. Can't Stand Idiots.

Everyone has a wild side- me and my friends just prefer to make ours public.

Haha. I don't get it.

I'll try being nicer, when you start being smarter.

Please go away, I'm allergic to losers.

Have fun, laugh at things that aren't funny, and make a huge loser of yourself in public.

I called your boyfriend gay and he hit me with his purse.

I was going to take over the world but then I got distracted by something shiny.

Yeah, I'm a loser, but I’m the coolest loser you’ll ever meet!

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

Be nice to your kids. They choose your nursing home.

Multi tasking; screwing up several things at once.

Break my heart? I'll break your neck!

Don't drink and drive; you might spill the drink.

I used to listen to my parents but the nice stranger with the candy changed my mind.

Tact is for people who aren't witty enough to be sarcastic.

If you don't like the way I drive, stay off the sidewalk.

Why be difficult, when, with just a little bit of effort, you can be impossible?

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

Everyone is entitled to my opinion.

If you can keep your head while other people are losing theirs, you probably don't fully understand the situation.

They say the truth will set you free. Then why is it every time I tell the truth I get sent to my room?

I will temporarily rule the world, forever.

Stupidity killed the cat. Curiosity was framed.

Don't worry about the world ending today, it's already tomorrow in Australia. Unless you're in Australia; then start worrying.

The light at the end of the tunnel is an oncoming train.

If I could get a firm grip on reality, I'd choke it.

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

Some people are only alive because it’s illegal to shoot them.

I want revenge. Is that so wrong?

Chaos, panic and disorder. My work here is done.

The problem with reality is a lack of background music.

An apple a day keeps the doctor away but only if you throw hard enough.

I laugh in the face of death. Maybe not laugh- more like a snicker. A quiet snicker, and I wouldn't do it directly in death's face. So it's more like a quiet snicker behind death's back.

Rules are like paperclips: meant to keep things together, fun to bend, and easily twisted out of shape.

Step one is learning the ropes, step two is chewing through them.

"My best friends are the kind that if my house were on fire, they'd be roasting marshmellows and flirting with the firemen."

Friends are the people who are willing to ignore the faults they see in you. Best friends are the ones unfortunate enough to know all of them, and stupid enough to put up with you anyway.

Home is where you stop running.

We're too young to realise that certain things are impossible. So we will do them anyway.

They laugh because I’m different... I laugh because they're the same.

Lead me not into temptation. I can find it myself.

The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.

I had a thought but it got lonely and went away.

It's okay to talk to yourself, it's okay to ask yourself questions, it's even okay to answer those questions. Just don't ever ask yourself a question and then go "huh?"

Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defence.

My train of thought got derailed.

If someone gave you half a brain, you'd still only have half a brain.

Knowledge is power. . . power corrupts. . . study hard. . . BE EVIL!

Your talking is getting in the way of my telling you to shut up.

"Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; I'm not sure about the universe."

It's strange, isn't it? You stand in the middle of a library and go 'Aaaaaagghhh!!' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an airplane, and everyone joins in.

And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said he would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.

If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, onto a little seesaw, and then through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that!

If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

If you had everything, you wouldn't have anywhere to put it.

Who died and made you Darth Vader?!

Why is it that reality constantly ignores my imagination?

Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.

If a species is to triumph and prevail, the female of the species must be more deadly than the male.

Don't ever argue with an idiot. They'll bring you down to their level and beat you through experience.

One day we will look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject.

You laugh now because you're older than me by mere months, but when you're 30 and I'm still 29, who will be laughing then?

How is it possible to have a civil war?

Sarcasm is my body’s natural defence against stupidity.

"Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?"

Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.

How is it one careless match can start a bush fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

I'll decide when I want to grow up.

Did you say exercise? Or accessorize?

There's more to boxing than hitting. There's not getting hit, for instance.

When you're cooking Italian food, the pastabilitlies are endless.

I don't get even; I get odder.

Having the world's best idea will do you no good unless you act on it. People who want milk shouldn't sit on a stool in the middle of a field in the hope that a cow will back up to them.

I dialled a wrong number and got the following recording: "I am not available right now, but I thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes right now in my life. Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes."

If you see a dollar on the footpath, pick it up. Something valuable may be under it.

Raising children is like being taken hostage by midget terrorists.

Beauty fades but dumb is forever.

Find inner peace? I looked; it wasn't there.

“Addiction: Being abnormally tolerant to and dependent on something that is psychologically or physically habit-forming.”

Why do we kill people who kill people to show people that killing people is wrong?

It's not about right. It's not about wrong. It's about power.

The trouble with most of us is that we would rather be ruined by praise than saved by criticism.

“All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.”

What about never? Is never a good time for you?

If ya can't beat 'em, join 'em. If ya can't join 'em, bribe 'em. If ya can't bribe 'em, blackmail 'em. If ya can't blackmail 'em, kill 'em. If ya can't kill 'em, you're screwed.

Keep smiling; it makes people wonder what you're up to.

Procrastinate now, don't put it off.

I smile because I have no idea what's going on.

Everything here is edible. I'm edible but that, my children, is called cannibalism and is frowned upon in most societies.

There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.

I plan on living forever...so far so good.

When people don't laugh at our jokes we don't think of it as a "you had to be there" type of thing. More like a "you have to be mentally retarded like us" type of thing.

All things considered, insanity may be the only reasonable alternative.

Education is important; school however, is another matter.

"Life is empty and so is the fridge.”

A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking.

A word to the wise isn’t necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice.

I can resist everything except temptation.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Never do anything you don’t want to explain to the paramedics.

If it wasn’t for physics and law enforcement I’d be unstoppable.

Life isn't passing me by- it's trying to run me over!

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Some see the glass half full, some see it half empty. Me? I just want to know who the hell is drinking my damn soda.

The glass is neither half empty nor half full. It is twice as large as it needs to be.

I ran with scissors, and lived!

I run with scissors; it makes me feel dangerous.

Ha ha! I'm running with scissors. Ow, my eye.

The newscaster is the person who says "Good evening" and then tells you why it's not.

In man's struggle against the world, bet on the world.

When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Fuck off. What good is a goddamn cake you can't eat? What should I eat, someone else's cake instead?

Firefighter: At one point we decided to fight fire with fire... Well ...basically... your house burned even faster.

People are more violently opposed to fur than leather because it's safer to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs.

Some people live life in the fast lane - I live in oncoming traffic.

'Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get stuck in jet engines.'

I'm drunk...I'm armed...I'm off my meds. You had better make your message really, really sweet.

Here’s to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The troublemakers. The round pegs in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They’re not afraid of breaking the rules and they have no respect for the status quo. You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify them, or vilify them. About the only thing you can’t do is ignore them. Because they change things. They push the human race forward. And while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world are the once who do.

I am convinced of the validity of contradiction. There are many worlds. Each is true, at its time, in its own fashion.

"Stand up for what you believe in, even if you stand alone"

Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatsoever to do with it.

I hate life, I hate death and everything in between just doesnt interest me.

Quotation is a serviceable substitute for wit.

The difference between ignorance and apathy? I don't know, and I couldn't care less.

If I seem to give a damn, please tell me. I would hate to be giving the wrong impression.

He is YOUR god, they are YOUR rules, and YOU will burn in hell.

Nostalgia? Revenge is a form of nostalgia, right?

We have more to fear from the bungling of the incompetent than from the machinations of the wicked.

That's it, no more free will.

Every cloud has a silver lining (except for the mushroom shaped ones, which have a lining of Iridium & Strontium 90).

Due to circumstances within my control, tomorrow will be cancelled.

Due to recent cutbacks and until further notice, the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off.

The shortest distance between two points is under construction.

Whenever you eliminate the inedible, whatever remains, however unpalatable, must be food.

I've given up the search for reality; now I'm just looking for a good fantasy.

Get your mind out of the gutter - it's blocking my view.

I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.

When you check out, if spent shell casings aren't littered around your feet, you didn't check out right.

If you can't say anything nice, then at least have the decency to be vague.

Booze is the answer. I don't remember the question.

Credit is the only enduring testimonial to man's confidence in man.

If you're one in a million there are six thousand people exactly like you.

"Obstruction of justice? No sir, we prefer to think of it as 'avoiding complications'."

Lord, defend me from my friends; I can account for my enemies.

Pacifism is objectively pro-Fascist..."He that is not with me is against me."

We must remember that in time of war what is said on the enemy's side of the front is always propaganda and what is said on our side of the front is truth and righteousness, the cause of humanity and a crusade for peace.

Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up these defenses, you build this whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life. You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They do something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own any more. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul hurt, a body hurt, a real gets inside you and rips you apart pain. I hate love. (Neil Gaiman)

How glorious it is - and also how painful - to be an exception.

Life... is like a box of chocolates. A cheap, thoughtless, perfunctoral gift that no one ever asks for. Unreturnable because all you get back is another box of chocolates. So, you're stuck with mostly indefinable whipped mint crap, mindlessly wolfed down when there's nothing else to eat while you're watching the game. Sure, once in a while you get a peanut butter cup or an English toffee but it's gone too fast and the taste is fleeting. In the end, you are left with nothing but broken bits filled with hardened jelly and teeth-shattering nuts, which, if you are desperate enough to eat, leaves nothing but an empty box of useless brown paper.

The key to happiness is self-delusion. Don't think of yourself as an organic pain collector racing toward oblivion.

Exhilaration is that feeling you get just after a great idea hits you, and just before you realize what’s wrong with it.

Sleep is actually a good substitute for coffee.

I can't be fired, slaves are sold.

The hard I do immediately. The impossible takes a little bit longer.

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

Hello, you have reached my automated answering service. Your call will be answered in the order in which it was received. Your call is number 5293, please hold, your call is important to us.

Hi, I'm probably here, I'm just avoiding someone I don't want to talk to. Leave a message and if I don't IM you back, well, what can I say?

"The philosophy exam was a piece of cake - which was a bit of a surprise, actually, because I was expecting some questions on a sheet of paper."

If you can keep your head while those about you are losing theirs, have you considered becoming a guillotine operator?"

I find that a great part of the information I have was acquired by looking up something and finding something else on the way.

The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.

The rain, it raineth on the Just and the Unjust fella. But chiefly on the Just, because the Unjust steals the Just's umbrella.

That which does not kill me had better run pretty damn fast.

Tonight's weather: dark, continuing mostly dark tonight, leading to widely scattered areas of light in the morning.

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.

"No, I wasn't playing devil's advocate. I really think your idea is stupid."

"Of course it wasn't convincing. That 60-slide PowerPoint presentation wasn't to convince people. It was to break their will."

I've used up all my sick days, so now I'm calling in dead.

When Obama tells his children to clean their rooms, he ends with, "I'm Barack Obama and I approve this message!"

An apple a day keeps the Doctor away. But if the Doctor is cute, screw the fruit! (But always take a banana to a party.)

I call you squishy and you shall be mine. You will be my squishy!

Labels are for cans and in case you haven't noticed, I'm not a can!

Dear Math; I'm not a therapist. Solve your own problems.

Dear Algebra, stop sending me to look for your X. She's not coming back.

I stopped fighting my inner demons. We're on the same side now.

We are NOT nerds; we prefer the term INTELLECTUAL BADASS.

I’m not deaf, I’m just ignoring you.

Time flies when you are sick and psychotic.

Hello, you have reached the automated answering service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting to the right staff member, please listen to all the options before making a selection. To lie about your child's absence, press 1. To make excuses for why your child did not do their homework, press 2. To complain about what we do, press 3. To swear at staff members, press 4. To ask why you didn't get information that has already been enclosed in your newsletter and several flyers, press 5. If you want us to raise your children, press 6. If you wish to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone, press 7. To request another teacher for the third time this year, press 8. To complain about bus transportation, press 9. To complain about school lunches, press 0.

If you can't convince them, confuse them.

Sometimes I think about suicide, but then I look around and see people like you and think: "Man, fuck suicide, I wanna be a mass murderer."

"Don't ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is the people who have come alive." (Howard Thurman)

Somebody lost a nickel in the logic machine.

Do you ever feel guilty about killing someone?

What is this 'guilty' you speak of? Is it delicious?

"I think the whole world's gone mad."

"Uh... It's always been like this. You probably just don't get out enough."

"Today we will be having a test."
"I'm ready! I pulled an all-nighter!"
"You studied all night?"
"Oh... ...you're supposed to study?"

Swat team: Sir, there's too big of a crowd, we can't find the perpetrators-

Team Leader: How hard can it be?! They're half-naked, bright pink, stripping twins! Grab every topless girl who remotely matches that description, NOW!

(silence)

Swat team: Yes sir.

What? You can't use that as your battle cry.

Why not? You have one.

Mine is for nobility, honour and a deceased yet no longer forgotten people.

Mine is for ponies.

That's not-

FOR PONY!

Things to Ponder:

Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance that little indestructible black box is?

Can fat people go skinny-dipping?

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

So what's the speed of dark?

How come abbreviated is such a long word?

Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a work station.

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

Should women put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans?

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to the men!?

How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there?

After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water?

Why don't they make mouse-flavoured cat food?

If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?

Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

Why can't you find fresh sardines in the fish market?

Why do so many old people eat at cafeterias?

Why does an "X" stand for a kiss?

Why does the word "Filipino" start with an ‘F’?

When sign writers go on strike, is anything painted on their placards?

Why is a package sent by land carrier called a shipment, while a package sent by ship is called cargo?

Where do forest rangers go to get away?

Why do we call them apartments when they're attached?

Why is it a TV set when we only get one?

Why isn't phonetics spelled the way it sounds?

If olive oil comes from olives then where does baby oil come from?

If an atheist has to go to court, do they make him swear on the Bible?

Dormitory
When you rearrange the letters
Dirty Room

Presbyterian
When you rearrange the letters
Best In Prayer

Astronomer
When you rearrange the letters
Moon Starer

Desperation
When you rearrange the letters
A Rope Ends It

The Eyes
When you rearrange the letters
They See

The Morse Code
When you rearrange the letters
Here Come Dots

Slot Machines
When you rearrange the letters
Cash Lost In Me

Election - Results
When you rearrange the letters
Lies - Let's Recount

Snooze Alarms
When you rearrange the letters
Alas! No More Z's

Mother in Law
When you rearrange the letters
Woman Hitler

A Decimal Point
When you rearrange the letters
I'm A Dot In Place

The Earthquakes
When you rearrange the letters
That Queer Shake

Eleven Plus Two
When you rearrange the letters
Twelve Plus One

Clothespins
When you rearrange the letters
so let's pinch

Conversation
When you rearrange the letters
voices rant on

The countryside
When you rearrange the letters
no city dust here

Random Quotes from Death Note:

Misa: "I can't imagine a world without Light!" L: "Yes, that would be dark."

L: "Light, PLEASE make Misa be quiet!"

L: "Hair. Crumbs. Hair. Mr Yagami, if I die in the next few days, please assume that your son is Kira. More hair."

L: "Light, have you ever, since you were born, told the truth?"

L: "I have become accustomed to sitting like this. If I sat any other way, my deductive skills would drop by forty percent."

L: "I'm a... pervert?"

L: "Bang."

L: "What? There's no need to shout in unison."

L: "So come on! Kill me if you can!!"

L: "... Light-kun is my first-ever friend."

L: "An eye for an eye"

L: "Let's show him, those of us that are risking our lives... that the good guys always win!"

Mello: "No matter what I have to do, I will get it before Near..."

Mello: "I'll kill anyone who gets in my way. I'll be number one."

Mello: "I'm not a tool for you to use to solve the puzzle."

Near: "if you're wrong, you just have to say 'sorry'."

Near: "Together we can surpass L."

Near: "If you can't win the game, if you can't solve the puzzle, you're nothing but a loser."

Near: "Nobody can tell what is right from what is wrong, what is righteous and what is evil. Even if there is a god, and I had his teachings before me, I would think it through and decide what is right or wrong myself. I'm no different from you. I believe in what I think is right, and believe that to be righteous"

Mikami: "Delete! Delete!"

Quotes from Fullmetal Alchemist:

Edward Elric: "WHO ARE YOU CALLING A RUNT SO TINY THAT HE CAN ONLY BE SEEN WITH A MAGNIFYING GLASS, YOU JERK!!"

Edward Elric: "DON'T CALL ME SMALL! I'LL BREAK OFF YOUR FEET AND STICK 'EM ON YOUR HEAD!!"

Edward Elric: "Great! I buy you a wrench and you try to KILL me with it!"

Maes Hughes: "Look! Can you believe how big Elysia's gotten? She can even ride a tricycle now! She follows me everywhere on that thing like my own escort of cuteness!"

Roy Mustang: "When I'm Fuhrer, there will be changes. That day; all female officers will be required to wear TINY MINI-SKIRTS!!"

Quotes from Doctor Who:

Rose: “Doctor, they've got guns.”
Doctor: “And I haven't. Makes me the better person, don't you think? They can shoot me dead, but the moral high-ground is mine.” - Army of Ghosts

Doctor: “There's an old Earth saying, Captain. A phrase of great power and wisdom and consolation to the soul in times of need: ALLONS-Y!!!” -The End of Time Part 2

Detective: “Start from the beginning; tell me everything you know.”
Doctor: “Well, for starters, I know you can't wrap your hand around your elbow and make your fingers meet." -The Idiot's Lantern

Doctor: "People assume that time is a strict progression of cause-and-effect, but actually from a non-linear, non-subjective point of view, it's more like a big ball of wibbly-wobbily...timey-wimey...stuff." - Blink

Doctor: "This is my timey-wimey detector; goes ding when there's stuff. Also, it can boil an egg at 30 paces, whether you want it to or not, actually, so I've learned to stay away from hens. It's not pretty when they blow." –Blink

Doctor: "I'll just step inside this police box... and arrest myself."-Easter Special

"Everybody knows that everybody dies, and no one knows it like the Doctor. But I think all the stars of all the worlds might just go dark if he ever, for one moment, accepts it."

Axis Powers Hetalia Quotes:

Germany: "When your superior walks past you..."

Italy: "Sir! Living up to my name, I'll ignore him, sing, eat and sleep."

(a little while later...)

Germany: "What will you do when the enemy wants to surrender?"

Italy: "Sir! Like a true Italian, I'll obediently surrender, sing, eat and sleep!"

Germany: "That's the same as before! Next!"

Japan: "Captain, as an honourable Japanese, I'd give him a vague answer like, I'll completely annihilate you or I'll consider it. By the way, they all mean no!"

Copy and Paste

Cheese- it makes the world go round. if you love cheese, copy and paste this into your profile.

Admitting you are weird means you are normal. Saying that you are normal is odd. If you admit that you are weird and like it, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you've ever tripped over your own feet, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you've ever burst out laughing in a quiet room, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you're hyper, like being hyper, and are hyper all the time, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you read people's profiles looking for things to copy and paste into your profile, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you've ever been so obsessed with something that now everyone is scared of you, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you've been on the computer for hours on end, reading numerous fan fictions, copy and paste this into your profile.

If people think you are mentally insane...copy and paste this into your profile. If they are right... copy and paste this into your profile.

If you're random and proud of it, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you've ever walked into a doorway that you could've clearly dodged, you just weren't paying close enough attention, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you've ever pushed on a door that said pull or vise versa copy and paste this into your profile.

If you've an insane friend, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you actually know what a semi-colon is, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you've ever forgotten what you were talking about in a conversation copy and paste this into your profile.

If you're one of those people who gets excited when you see just two reviews, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you've ever zoned out for more than five consecutive minutes, copy and paste this into your profile.

If there are times when you just want to annoy people for the heck of it, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you've ever tripped where there is a WATCH YOUR STEP SIGN, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you've inside jokes...with yourself... copy and paste this into your profile.

If you've ever wished you could go into a book and strangle some of the characters for being so incredibly dumb, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you've ever tried to lick your elbow while knowing that it was physically impossible, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you've ever tried to put your foot behind you head, copy and paste this into your profile.

If someone has ever said something to you that had nothing to do with your current conversation, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you think that girls should rule the world and it would be a better place, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you love manga and anime more than anything else, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you've ever walked into a room then forgotten what you were doing, started walking away and then remembered, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you've ever been watching a TV show and when the commercials came on forgotten what you were watching, copy and paste this into your profile.

In a high school in Montana a group of high schoolers played a prank. They let three goats loose in the school. Before they let them go, they painted numbers on the sides of the goats... 1, 2 and 4. Local school administrators spent most of the day looking for number 3. If you think that kids and teens are smart, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you've ever wondered what you are like in another dimension, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you want to be a writer someday, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you've ever zoned out for more than five consecutive minutes, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you've your own little world, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you've ever forgotten what you were going to say, right before you say it, copy this into your profile.

If you've ever felt the undeniable urge to slam your head into something, whether it is another person or not, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you've ever tripped over your own feet, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you've embarrasing memories that make you want to smack yourself/someone else, copy and paste this into your profile.

A large percentage of Fanfiction writers don't know the difference between "your" and "you're". If you're one of the ones who does know and wants to slug them, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you've ever been called a bookworm and are proud of it, copy and paste this into your profile.

There's nothing wrong with arguing with yourself. It's when you argue with yourself and LOSE when it's weird. If you agree, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you like being utterly random, copy and paste this into your profile.

If Fanfiction to you is what MySpace is to other people, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you've ever seen a boy and girl hugging and were tempted to scream, "NO! DON'T DO IT! SHE'LL FIND OUT ABOUT THE CURSE!", copy and paste this into your profile.

If you've ever attempted alchemy by drawing a transmutation circle or clapping your hands, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you believe pollution should be punishable by death, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you've ever felt like just running somewhere, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you've ever thought about something when you were talking about something else, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you've ever wished you could talk to animals or be an animal, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you have a true friend, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you haven't died yet, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you hate those irritating mosquitos giving you mosquito bites, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you have ever seen a movie (or show) so many times that you can quote it word for word and you do at random moments, copy and paste this into your profile.

Silence is golden but duck tape is silver! If you've had to use the silver more than once, copy and paste this into your profile.

Quitters never win, winners never quit, and those who never quit but never win are idiots. If you are one of those idiots, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you love rain, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you've ever fallen up a flight of stairs, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you've ever had a mad laughing fit for no reason, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you are a crazed fangirl, copy and paste this onto your profile.

If you like scaring people, copy and paste this onto your profile.

If you have ever run up or down an escalator and succeeded in getting to the top or bottom, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you think that being unique is cooler than being cool, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you think it's stupid that girls are associated with the color pink, copy and paste this into your profile.

Weird is good, strange is bad, and odd is when you don't know what to call someone. Weird is the same as different which is the same as unique, so weird is good. If you are weird and proud of it, copy and paste this into your profile.

If your day isn't complete until you've terrified a complete stranger, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you are a person who acts friendly but has an evil mind and is secretly plotting world domination, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you were ever leaning against a door and it opened and you fell, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you weren't paying attention to something and got really confused, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you've ever walked into a window, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you've ever misspelt your own name, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you have ever run into a tree, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you’ve ever read past two in the morning, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you've been called odd at least once a week for the past school year and are proud of it, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you randomly quote stories in public and you are acutely aware of it but you do it anyway, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you know what you want to be when you grow up, but hate it when people ask you and talk like it's rocket-science, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you have a tendency to talk to yourself, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you have ever read the dictionary because you were bored, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you've ever started to read a chapter in a fanfiction, got side-tracked, and forgot to review and realized it after the author posted another chapter, copy and paste this on your profile.

Pluto was declared no longer a planet on August 27, 2006, because it was "too small" and "off its orbit" for some scientists' likings. If you think Pluto should still be a planet, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you have ever laughed so hard you either choked, hyperventilated, had your sides cramp, or all of the listed, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you didn't know the Alphabet Song and Twinkle Twinkle Little Star had the same tune, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you have more than 100 books in your room, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you've ever tried to put your hair behind your ears and ended up poking yourself in the eye, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you’ve ever been so obsessed with something that now everyone is scared of you, copy and paste this into your profile.

Ninety-five percent of teenagers are concerned about being popular. If you are one of the five percent who aren't, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you've ever wondered what you are like in another dimension, copy and paste this into your profile.

My best friend is insane! If you agree, or if you have an insane friend, copy and paste this into your profile.

If your friends give you odd looks for being yourself, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you give your friends equally odd looks for being themselves, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you’ve ever wondered what would happen if you peeled an M&M, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you think it is important to do spontaneous acts of randomness at least 5 times a day in order to maintain a healthy level of insanity, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you’ve ever read past two in the morning, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you laugh at the stupidest things, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you are the complete opposite of normal, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you've ever had a really bad day, gone and read fanfiction and someone has had a story that somehow made it all seem a little better, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you probably need a life but have no intentions of getting one, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you've ever copied and pasted something onto your profile, copy and paste this onto your profile.

If you think you have too many of these "copy and paste this into your profile" things but have no intention of stopping now, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you’ve ever wondered who made up all of the “copy and paste this into your profile” things, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you enjoy copying and pasting these copy and paste things, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you're putting this in your profile only for entertainment purposes and to make your profile longer then it already is because that's just plain awesome, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you took the time to read all of these, copy and paste this into your profile.