About Me:

I am a cute rural home health nurse who is blonde and intelligent, and have a size C - er, wait, what do you mean this isn't a personals ad?

Okay, okay!

Let’s try this all over again.

I am a nice person who usually looks at the world in a bewildered and befuddled manner. I am directionally-challenged, I ordinarily have the patience (but definitely not the humility) of a saint, and am quite scatterbrained. I love crocheting. :D I've actually figured out how to crochet and read fanfiction at the same time without losing my place in either. This is awesome!!

I, along with one million other people, live in the beautiful state of Montana. I...kinda dislike most of you people in Montana. And the other states that I've visited.

About my writing:

I am here at ff.net because, like many other shallow people, I like to shamelessly wallow in praise. Wait, did I just write that?

I enjoy writing humor, Harry Potter, and Naruto, all of which usually go hand-in-hand. I adore crossovers, love crack!fics, and am happy as a pig rolling in mud if I find crack!crossovers. Except when such stories are really actually badly-mangled excuses of the English language. Such work ought to earn the author the removal of his/her Artistic License. (I told those people to stop putting them into cracker-jack boxes!)

Pet peeves:
- I am really awkward with romance. I feel that trust and companionship and both people trying to give more than they receive is the best romance, but hard to come by in fanfiction. :( Further more, men who stalk and harass and control the women, being all possessive "YOU ARE MINE I WON'T SHARE YOU WITH ANYONE" are ABUSIVE MEN. This is not acceptable behavior! It's controlling, manipulative, and vile. (I literally live right next door to the local shelter for abused and battered women. I see consequences of these behaviors every day.)

- I admit I'm often annoyed with bad slash/yaoi because the female characters often suffer. Their characterization is usually shoved under a rock, or they’re demonized, or they’re not given due and proper credit, or are mistreated in other ways as only bad writing can make painful reading. Reviewing or PMing me to ask for a male/male relationship in my stories is fine; doing so in addition to comments of how you cannot stand the idea of the gals being romantically involved is an excellent way to piss me off.

-Poor spelling, abused punctuation, mangled characterization, and abandoned grammar. Please do not inflict such atrocities on the lovely English language! Also, do not say that the English language is incredibly limited, so you can justify your use of mangled Japanese. There are sixteen thousand English words alone in the dictionary that describes human emotions. (No, I didn't sit down and count all of them.) If you find English limiting, it's because you have no idea how to make the language dance for you. Just, you know, don't get addicted to the thesaurus. I readily forgive typos because we're all human and prone to making mistakes.

- Mary Sues. Using canon characters as personal avatars of poorly-disguised wish fulfillment (you know who you are!). Stories where every character is homosexual, because then it just comes across as a fetish of gay people, and I shall side-eye you for such a fetish. (Especially if the women are all evil harpies in the story. Seriously, people?)

- Cardboard cutouts in place of actual characterization. People are about their experiences, memories, quirks, dreams and disappointments, likes and dislikes, curiosities, personalities, environment, genetics, culture, family histories, and so much more. It never hurts to explore any of these!

-Very sloppy summaries. Please, for the love of all writing muses, check your summary for misspellings, incorrect punctuation, and eye-bleeding grammar.

-If the writer insists on writing about a physical/mental injury and does some detailing on the medical therapy or cure or whathaveyou, FOR THE LOVE OF ALL TOOTHFAIRIES EVERYWHERE, please do not just pull something out of your ass and try to pass it off as possible! You do not cover and protect third and fourth degree burns with plaster, and you sure as hell don't make someone with a broken back who's lucky to walk take up ballet so soon after their injury. I may only know most of my stuff because of 10 years in the nursing field, but it's not that hard to Google. Hell; just send me a PM with some questions and I can probably dig up the answers in no time.

-Harem fics. Gentlemen, if I wanted to read your masturbation fantasies written in the lonely depths of girlfriend-less despair, I'd go to reddit. (I am very bitter towards harem fics. This is not loving on the ladies. This is taking possession of the ladies as if they're brainless children who cannot be left alone without adult supervision.)

-What is up with taking the main canon character, who is a dorky underdog who manages to succeed against all odds, and turning him into an angtsy godlike character without any dorky qualities? You just got rid of everything loveable about that character! (NARUTO AND HARRY POTTER WRITERS, I AM SIDE-EYING YOU SO HARD RIGHT NOW.)

-Most of you people writing Naruto/BLEACH crossovers really, really suck, and I've been watching this category ever since there were 23 fics, total. See also pet peeves regarding harem fics and destruction of loveable dorky main characters for more clear reasons as to why the crossovers really, really suck.

Status and info of archived stories (in order of publishing):

HARRY POTTER

A Gutter Rat’s Story
This story is rated M for very dark themes and adult subject material. There's violence, mentions of child physical/sexual abuse and insinuations of worse. This is a psychologically dark story with a Machiavellian Voldemort, who walks a fine line between creation and destruction, and a broken family struggling to preserve what's left of itself. Because of the emotional intensity, this story may or may not be appropriate for younger audiences' reading. (Eventually, I shall go back and edit the grammar. Maybe.)

Pandora's Box
Sequel to AGRT.
This began as a lighthearted story and managed to maintain that sort of atmosphere for several chapters. It was supposed to poke fun at the then-common HP fandom's clichés (mostly slash) and then it kinda... mutated. The story's complexity exploded far beyond my original intent. What was supposed to be a journey of self-discovery and subsequent rescues turned into a massive adventure to save the Universe. The next thing I knew metaphysics and philosophy began to take over. If you can read this through to the very end, then you're more steadfast than most. I looked it over a few years after I had finished writing it, and I still can't figure out what I was smoking when I wrote it.

That Which James Witnessed
Accompanying side story attached to AGRT
This is far more intense and graphic than AGRT. It mirrors AGRT from James' point of view, but it explains what, precisely and in great detail, Voldemort did to James. Believe me, it was ugly. If nothing else does, this story alone would justify the M rating of its parent. There is graphic violence: blood and guts and I do mean guts, and what could possibly considered torture. And cannibalism. (My roommate wanted me to warn people about this; how was I supposed to know she was eating a medium-rare hamburger while reading that scene?)

Fire Demon
This could sort of be considered a companion piece of Pandora's Box, simply because one would get the background of some of the characters who show up in PB. The chapters tend to be long and have many dysfunctional original characters, most of whom have dirty minds and/or a very noticeable lack of ethics. It starts out slowly because I’m trying to explore the effects of Nature vrs. Nurture here, which has long been an argument with psychologists and anthropologists everywhere. Please don’t tell me the story is slow and that you want to read Harry Potter at age eleven, because you aren’t going to get Harry Potter at age eleven without an exploration of how his environmental and nurturing impacts his personality and growth as a person. I hate it when stories make such a jump and the characters feel completely out-of-character, because I never got to witness the character growth for myself.
For all of that depth and exploration, this is also very tongue-in-cheek story meant to induce laughter. It is not my priority in writing. Chapters are added slowly, although almost always longer than five thousand words. I write this story on the side when and where I feel like it or have the inspiration. Don’t be surprised if two, three months pass without an update. (Or a year... Or two years… Maybe a decade...)

Normal to be a freak
Short oneshot. This idea popped fully-formed into my mind one morning while brushing my teeth, and was written in under an hour. Just presenting to the world (and Dudley) that being different doesn't equate being a freak, because all of us have that little bit of difference that makes us a unique human being in our own rights. It's a story of forgiveness and acceptance of Dudley and Harry - because this actually helps Harry himself finish healing from all the hurt and the pain that the Dursleys caused. Slight warning for homophobia, but I feel its occurrence was written respectfully, if such a thing could ever be considered.

Do virgins taste better?
Another oneshot. As we know, history is written by the winners. We also know that Salazar Slytherin left Hogwarts on unhappy terms due to disagreement with Godric Gryffindor. Or did he? Maybe Godric and the others spread such a story because the truth was too embarrassing to admit...

Draco dormiens nunquam titillandus
My one and only drabble, in which Daphne Greengrass, Theodore Nott, and Blaise Zabini make their first starring appearance. (They would later be instrumental in habitually finding trouble and poking it with a big stick in Water Aerobics.)

Water Aerobics for the Aquaphobic
I wanted Voldemort to fall into the scariest spring possible, but my roommate refused to let me create the Spring of the Drowned Insurance Salesman that would turn Voldemort into the Aflac duck. :( This story features very little by way of the Ranma 1/2 characters, aside from the ongoing penpal letters between Akane and Ron, but lots in the way of the HP characters. There is crack galore, including Lucius Malfoy, Benevolent Buddist Monk, and Harry Potter, cursed to have overemotional outbursts of angst ("In short," Dumbledore concluded as he leaned back in his chair, "Harry hasn't changed one whit despite falling into this Spring of the Drowned Emo.") . I have a lot of fun and I feel the story is richer for all the minor canon characters who get their chance in the spotlight.

Ad Nauseam
I regularly poke fun at fandom cliches and even the more "common" story ideas taking place. I revisited the theme of Harry traveling back in time and desperately trying to relive his life to fix all of his mistakes, and I couldn't help but wonder why it's always Ron/Hermione/Luna/Ginny who go back in time with Harry when he's technically attached to Voldemort. So, what we wound up here are two enemies who go through so much together (again, and again, and again...) that they'd be incredibly lost without each other. I seriously never thought that this story would be as popular as it is.

Seven Times Never the Fool
Evil gossipmongers, people are! When you're beautiful and rich, the petty backstabbing bitches and bastards are going to say anything to make you look bad. There is no mention anywhere in canon or interviews if Madam Zabini was a Slytherin, and yet fanon automatically assume that she is simply because of how she acquired her wealth - through the death of seven husbands. It's also never been outright said that Madam Zabini murdered her husbands, so I'm just going off the assumption that she's just unlucky in life and love. She also may or may not be the professional dominatrix she is in Water Aerobics.

Brimming
A good writer can do anything plausible. Whether I did so with the epic!love!story between the Sorting Hat and Augusta Longbottom's infamous dead-vulture-on-the-brim hat remains to be seen.

NARUTO

I happen to be a Sakura fangirl, and that's okay. I don't like Sakura bashing, or bashing of any character in general. Unless it's Madara, because Madara is an overrated ass. I'm also a fangirl of Anko, Tsunade, Tsume, Temari, Ino, Karin, Tenten, Kushina, and all the other bold ladies who curb-stomp ass without bothering to stop for names... Or they would, if Kishimoto didn't have such a hard-on for all things Uchiha. (To be fair, Kishimoto is the creator, and he's got the right to calling all the shots in canon... I WOULD GLADLY ACCEPT MORE UCHIHA MAKOTO.)

I also think that Danzo is a fascinating and complex character, and he would be a lot more popular - and not as a generic evil villain - if he had a pretty Uchiha face. Instead of, you know, just a pretty Uchiha eye. Or lots of pretty Uchiha eyes, as the case may be.

I like Hinata... sort of. I can't really connect with meek characters, as I am a loud and aggressive soul who bulldozes anyone in her way (look, I have to fight pharmacies, Medicaid, doctors, and a lot of other people for my clients, so it's usually a good thing that I'm a loud an aggressive soul who bulldozes anyone in my way), but there's something soft and huggable with Hinata's she-followed-me-home-I-wanna-keep-her vibes. However, seeing as how she is well-liked amongst certain writers because they feel that women should be meek and mild and focus solely upon the pleasure of the main male Gary Stu who is really actually a secret self-insert avatar for some guy who wonders why he can't get a girlfriend in real life (see my pet peeve on harems)... I don't go actively looking for fanfiction with Hinata.

Switched
I have a weakness for stories where characters and their bodies get switched. Or genderbenders. (More ladies represent!) I had an idea for Naruto, but with so many other tales to tell, I didn’t want to invest the requires time and energy to write. I changed my mind when I saw others unable to fulfill what I thought of as the idea’s potential. This story is mainly humor, and no complaints so far of the humor being inappropriate. I also sort-of write two very odd pairings, if you squint sideways and really wish for romance. I hope to start a craze with them. (Yes, I am very fond of Kabuto and it shows in the story. I know.)

Of all that exists, only I
Plot bunnies swamped me when I read chapter 257. I tried to squash them, really I did, but two friends provoked me into writing. I consider myself rather lucky; I usually don't write anything less than 30,000 words. This was originally an exercise also in writing 2nd person POV, but I had to reword it a little after ff.net banned You!fics. In the future, everyone, please note the difference between a badly disguised self-insert, and a valid POV.

Saving Grace
This is a Christmas fic for Demeter1, who wanted to see Kakashi/Sakura with a plot. I usually don't do romance, but I figured that I could probably pull something off between the two in about twenty thousand words. Hah, and pigs fly! Somehow, Kiba/Sakura became an fascinating part of the story. Then Sasuke and Naruto decided they just had to have personalities and their own spotlights, and Naruto is such a social dork that he had to invite everyone else along for the ride... Aside from being my first romance, this is also a valiant attempt at horror/mystery. Like AGRT, we’re dealing with dark themes here: drug abuse, murder, rape, hallucinations, and torture. And probably angst, although (wonder of wonders!) most of it has nothing to do with Sasuke.(Sasuke actually has a sense of humpor in this story. I know; I was flabbergasted, too!) Although mentioned briefly, the torture is explicit, so read with due caution.

(Still fond of Kabuto, and yes, it still shows. Am also becoming very fond of the Inuzukas, and that shows, too. Thus: the World's First Ever Kabuto/Inuzuka Tsume! I honestly don't know how this happened. It snuck up on me. Also the World's First Ever Sasuke/Tsume, if you squint just right. And Tsunade/Tsume.)

NEW 4/28/10: http://www.fanfiction.net/u/1614806/Slinkymilinky gifted me with the most amazing fanart, Saving Grace, which depicts Sakura and Akamaru's flight from the cave. You are a wonderful dear! http://slinkymilinky.deviantart.com/art/Saving-Grace-162304715

Tango no Sekku
You have no idea how proud I am to have written a story with exactly 1000 words. :) A bittersweet look at how an orphaned Naruto manages to celebrate a family holiday without a family. Cameo appearances by the Inuzukas and Ichiraku Ramen. May also be considered a How-Naruto-Met-the-Ramen-Stand.

Naruto's Missing Village
It was a running joke in Saving Grace that Naruto had lost a village. The details were never given, but the story still demands to be told. Not only has Naruto lost his village in the most strangest of matters, but Ino and Neji have been abducted by aliens - there is a very good reason for this, really, and it does play a role in how Naruto loses his village, I promise! My sadistic side is currently hibernating, so the only warning I have is Elvis and clowns. Although I suppose the combination of those with ninjas might be considered painful by some.

A friend in need
A private moment between Kiba and Sakura - I'm almost positive that everyone who ever reads it winds up getting the wrong impression.

The Fox and the Hound
A brief whatif!AU exploring the concept of baby Naruto being adopted by a loving family. Except that these are ninjas, so there was definitely some coercion and manipulation. Am still really fond of the Inuzukas.

Misfits 'Verse
It all began with a stray sentence I wrote in another undisclosed story: Tsume never shared Tsunade’s suspicions that Danzo was a threat to Konoha's survival. Danzo was, in his own way, just as concerned with, and as loyal to, Konoha as Tsume – and no one understands loyalty better than an Inuzuka. For that, Tsume respected Danzo more than she did Tsunade, because Danzo's loyalty had never faltered or turned fickle or up and left without looking back because of personal trauma or phobias.

After working together almost twenty years, Tsume and Danzo had settled into a somewhat-comfortable working relationship in which they agreed to having a difference of, hmmm, method and philosophy. (Danzo was, Tsume was unable to brag to anyone, the hardest person she ever seduced, if it only resulted in a quick, sloppy blowjob in a very dark room.)

From there, an AU spanning fifty years just bloomed in my head. Most of it covers Inuzuka Tsume's life, but it also goes in-depth into the relationship Danzo has with Sarutobi Hiruzen, and all the many different minor characters who Kishimoto gave us a brief glimpse - like Sakumo. However, because it's a story that contains a lot of adult material - graphic sex, child abuse and child prostitution, the effects of traumatic brain injuries, etc. - I can't post it to ff.net. For archival records:

A Litter of Misfits
Kingdom rise and fall for the want of a nail. Shimura Danzo desperately wants Konoha as his kingdom, but collides with a nail named Inuzuka Tsume. Tsume just wants a pack, but she will build an empire with her strays, from a newborn Kakashi abandoned at birth by his mother, to a naked 3 year old Naruto seeking refuge in Tsume’s dog kennels in the dead of winter… or a cranky old Danzo. (Tsume always had questionable taste.) And Uchiha Madara gets caught in the collision. (Danzo and Tsume regret nothing; Madara started it after all.

This story can be found in it's entirety at AO3 and adultfanfiction, at the following links:

http://archiveofourown.org/works/611428/chapters/1101675

http://naruto.adultfanfiction.net/story.php?no=600104995

I love the interaction of the different characters with each other, like Danzo and Hiruzen (who, in canon were childhood friends), so when it's appropriate and a scene/chapter works really good as a standalone story, I'll post such at fanfiction(dot)net. Currently, that includes the following:

Fatherhood
Hatake Sakumo strikes me as a laid-back character who willingly puts up with a lot of crap and abuse from people he genuinely likes and trusts, despite good judgement otherwise. And here we see such in action, as he deals with a wounded Danzo. It should be noted that Danzo doesn't make a good patient. Or a good person.

Under The Influence
The Third Hokage makes a much better patient than Danzo does, but shouldn't be allowed to make important decisions that may or may not cause international incidents. And Danzo would do just about anything to get himself the Hokage hat. (It really is a cool hat. Much neater than the Kazekage's.) Tsume also inadvertently manages to insult and put the Hyuuga and Uchiha heirs against each other.

OTHER

Ding dong, the witch is dead
The unholy lovechild between L. Frank Baum and C.S. Lewi: which witch is which?
Eventually, I want to drop the same house on Bellatrix LeStrange just so I can get Dorothy to say, "I knew I should have moved to Oregon! Hey, you, there. Yeah, you with the glasses and funny scar, come here, and help me put these red slippers on. Oooph! Damn arthritis..." And now that I have seen Prince Caspian, I wanted to drop the cottage on Miraz during his and Peter's duel, just to hear Peter say, "You again?" My roommate won't let me though. Woe. :( She is a mean roommate.

Knee-deep
First-person Jean Havoc POV from Full Metal Alchemist regarding a training mission gone horribly wrong. That's not the story. The story is about why you should always be careful when opening your mouth and bossing the world around; you just never know who might be lurking beneath all that mud.

Left Turn at Albuquerque
(Title is an oblique reference to Bugs Bunny.) One of the world's very first Saiyuki/Naruto crossovers. I was minding my own business one day when I was suddenly swarmed by a vision of Hidan sitting upright after just being shot by Sanzo and saying, "That fucking hurt, seriously." After sharing the vision with friends, I was strong-armed into writing this story. :(

The Misadventures of the Sparkler!
Emo!Edward Cullen was dosed with Prozac and went on a superhero spree after glutting himself on Emmett's superhero comics. And you wonder why the Cullens had to head for Alaska for a while... I never did finish reading the book. I watched the movie, so I gotta get some credit, all right?

What to expect when you're expecting
I wanted to prove it was possible to write valid MPREG. And I would do more, if my computer hadn't crashed in '11 and I lost all my notes and files. So... I come back to this now and again, heartsick that I can't remember all the things I was going to do, but I cling to it knowing that I will be able to continue it. Eventually.

Disorderly Conduct
Why are there not more Yu Yu Hakusho and Beelzebub crossovers? There is so much potential for wonderful crack, that I caved and wrote my own. And I hadn't realized until I started writing this story that I was secretly a Kuwabara fangirl at heart. YYH is actually such a rich story that can easily be crossed over with other fandoms, like BLEACH. But most of those suck too, so I'll have to wait on writing a decent one until I finish Disorderly Conduct.

I am given to sporadically correcting mistakes in my stories, from grammar to plot to characterization, and then uploading the changes without telling anyone, so the stories never get removed for revision or anything like that. So, if you reread something much later and say, “Heeeey, I don’t remember that from last time!” then you’re probably right.

I do not to hassle people who take the time to review, but if you won’t mind being a little more specific, such as what you find funny, I would be very grateful. Feel free to cut and paste whatever amused you. I'm fascinated with what makes people laugh!

If you find there is something wrong with the story, feel free to speak up. I find it frustrating to repeat a mistake continuously for a hundred thousand words before someone finally pokes me and says, "Um, not to be rude, but did you know that..." (Yes; this has happened. It's only thanks to Word's Find&Replace function that I was able to correct the misspelling of Peter Pettigrew's name without tearing my hair out by its roots.) I listen and I appreciate more than I can say in text. So have a smiley. :) Sometimes, it is quite difficult to respond in a timely manner, so I can only ask for patience.

Located off of ff.net

A Helping Hand

http://naruto.adultfanfiction.net/story.php?no=600093617
Shameless smut involving Sakura and Kiba, especially for those who enjoyed the UST between Kiba and Sakura in Saving Grace . Note that this is not the "what happened in the whorehouse between those two" fic (although I do plan on getting to that one), but something different. But, hey, at least Ochi got a passing mention!

WARNING! WARNING!

Habit is a known plagiarist who first stole A Helping Hand, changed some names and words, and then called it her own under the title of A Good Dog. She deleted it after much hullabaloo and pressure, but she will be monitored for any further reoccurring behavior. It's not so much that I'm a bitch but I simply don't trust this kid any further than I could throw her while disabled with a sprained pelvis. And that wouldn't be very far.