I'm a 20 something teen living out of my parents house. I have a computer and chocolate and for the things I don't have, i blame publik edumacation.

I HAVE DECIDED. FOR ALL THE CRAZY THINGS TO DO WITH THE INANIMATE OBJECTS AT THE BOTTOM OF THE PAGE, IM GOING TO WRITE A ONE-SHOT FOR EACH. MOST WILL BE WHUMP.

AHHHH WHUMP, THE MOST WONDERFUL WORD IN THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE, APART FROM DENIAL.

Review all or the evil little plot bunnies will come in their droves to your front door...

I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth!

Buckle up... it makes it harder for the aliens to suck you out of your car

There are 2 types of pedestrians, the quick and the dead.

Learn from your parent’s mistakes use birth control

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

All men are idiots, and I married their king.

Friends help you move; real friends help you move the body.

Low riders are for little boys who can't get it up.

Saw it, wanted it, threw a fit, Got It!!

Want to get laid? Crawl up a chicken's ass and wait!

Mothers with teenagers know why animals eat their young

100,000 Sperm And You Were The Fastest?

186,000 Miles/Second: It’s Not Just A Good Idea, It’s The Law!

My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

Nothing is illegal until you get caught.

Of all the things I've lost I miss my mind the most!

Oh look! just 2,852,677 more days til i start caring what you think.

Out Of My Mind; Back In Five Minutes

People who think they know what they're doing are especially annoying to those of us who do.

Quiet brain! or I'll poke you with another Q-tip.

Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.

Rap Is To Music What Etch-A-Sketch Is To Art

Reality is a figment of your imagination.

Reality is a nice place, but I wouldn't want to live there.

Rehab is for quitters.

Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35 MPH Are Also Timed For 70 MPH.

Remember My Name – You’ll Be Screaming It Later

S.A.S.R. - Speeders Against Ski Racks

S.C.A.R.Y. (Southern Citizens Advocating the Relocation of Yankees)

S.O.B.E.R. - Sick Of Banning Everyone's Rights

Sarcasm helps keep you from telling people what you really think of them.

Save on gas, go fart in a jar.

Screw you guys, I'm going home!

Seen It All, Done It All, Can’t Remember Most Of It

Smile and the world smiles with you, Fart and you stand alone..So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time

Some People Are Alive Only Because It’s Illegal To Kill Them

Stop Reading My Bumper Stickers and DRIVE!!

Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

Stupid is as stupid does.

Stupidity should be punished.

Suicide is away of telling God, You can't fire me I quit!!.

Support publik edekasion

T.G.I.F Thank God I'm Female.

Tell me to 'Stuff It' - I'm a taxidermist.

Thank You...YOU MAY GO!!

That’s all I'm saying and I ain't saying no more.

The Big Bang Theory: God Spoke and BANG it Happened.

The Earth Is Full - Go Home

The Face Is Familiar But I Can't Quite Remember My Name

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

The good thing about small cars is that you can fit twice as many into a traffic jam.

The More You Complain, The Longer God Makes You Live.

The number of people staring at you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your actions.

There are only two things in life you can count on: Death and Taxes.

They keep saying the right person will come along; I think a truck hit mine.

They told me I was gullible... and I believed them.

They told me I was gullible...then they took it out of the dictionary.

They're not hot flashes...they're POWER SURGES!

THINK before you ACT.

This car is designed by computer, built by a robot, driven by a moron.

This truck has been in 15 accidents...and hasn't lost one yet..

This was only a test; if this had been a real emergency, you'd be dead.

This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me

Unless You're A Hemorrhoid, STAY OFF MY ASS!

Unlike online, in reality, you can’t hit the back button.

Vegetarian: Indian word for BAD HUNTER!

Very Funny, Scotty. Now Beam Up My Clothes.

We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.

WE ARE MICROSOFT. RESISTANCE IS FUTILE. YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED.

Welcome to reality...come again soon.

Welcome To Shit Creek – Sorry, We’re Out Of Paddles

WHEN GOD MADE MAN, SHE WAS ONLY JOKING.

When I die bury me upside down so the world can kiss my ass.

Why be difficult, when with a bit of effort, you can be impossible?

Why did God give beauty queens one more brain cell than horses? So they wouldn't shit on stage.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

Why do they call it a bumper if your not going to use it?

Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?

WHY ME?

Wouldn't it be nice if there were an Escape key for all of our problems?

Yes, As A Matter Of Fact, I Do Own The Whole Damn Road!

You Are Depriving Some Village Of Its Idiot

You are driving to close I can see your bald spot.

You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.

You can pick your nose and pick your friends, but you can't wipe your friends on the couch.

You're just jealous because the voices only talk to ME.

You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without hanging on.

I suffer from a sexually transmitted disease: Children

Liquid Plummer
Warning: Do not reuse the bottle to store beverages.

Windex
Do not spray in eyes.

Toilet Plunger
Caution: Do not use near power lines.

how exactly do plungers get near power lines? was there some fight and i missed it?

Dremel Electric Rotary Tool
This product not intended for use as a dental drill.

Arm & Hammer Scoopable Cat Litter
Safe to use around pets.

Bowl Fresh
Safe to use around pets and children, although it is not recommended that either be permitted to drink from toilet.

Endust Duster
This product is not defined as flammable by the Consumer Products Safety Commision Regulations. However, this product can be ignited under certain circumstances.

Baby Oil
Keep out of reach of children

Little Ones Baby Lotion
Keep away from children

Hair Coloring
Do not use as an ice cream topping.

Wet-Nap
Directions: Tear open packet and use.

Dial Soap
Directions: Use like regular soap.

Stridex Foaming Face Wash
May contain foam.

Hairdryer:
Do not use while taking a shower.

Old Spice Red Zone Deoderant
Use only on underarms.Zantac 75
Do not take if allergic to zantac.

Sleeping Pills
Warning: May cause Drowsiness

Christmas Lights
Warning: For indoor or outdoor use only.

Bic Lighter
Ignite lighter away from face.

Komatsu Floodlight
This floodlight is capable of illuminating large areas, even in the dark

Fire Extinguisher:
Caution: Non-Flamable

Earplugs
These ear plugs are nontoxic, but may interfere with breathing if caught in windpipe

Mattress
Warning: Do not attempt to swallow

Matches
Caution: Contents may catch fire.

Pepper Spray
Caution: Never aim spray at your own eyes.

Auto-Shade Widnshield Visor
Warning: Do not drive with sunshade in place. Remove from windshield before starting ignition.

Fix-a-Flat
WARNING: Do not weld can to rim.

Rain Gauge
Suitable for outdoor use.

RCA Television Remote Control
Not Dishwasher Safe

Pine Mountain Fire Logs
Caution: Risk of fire

Triops Fish Food
Warning: Not for human consumption

Home Depot Treated Lumber
Do not consume

Hair Dryer
Warning: Do not use while sleeping.

Road Sign
Caution water on road during rain.

Camera
This camera will only work when film is inside.

Road Sign
Cemetery Road. Dead End

Church Parking Lot Sign
Thou shalt not park

Children's Superman Costume
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.

Silk Soy Milk
Shake well and buy often

Air Conditioner
Caution: Avoid dropping air conditioners out of windows.

Rowenta Iron
Warning: Never iron clothes on the body.

Slush Puppy Cup
This ice may be cold

American Airlines Peanuts
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.

Nabisco Easy Cheese
For best results, remove cap.

Swanson TV Dinners
This product must be cooked before eating.

Hershey's Almond Bar
Warning: May contain traces of nuts

Heinz Ketchup
Instructions: Put on food

500-piece puzzle:
Some assembly required.

Beach Ball
CAUTION: It is not a life saving device.

Chainsaw
Do not attempt to stop chain with hands.

Sears hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping.

Bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.

Bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.

Swann frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.

Hotel provided shower cap in a box:
Fits one head.

Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box)
Do not turn upside down.

Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.

Packaging for a Rowenta iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.

Boot's Children's cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.

Nytol sleep aid:
Warning: may cause drowsiness.

String of Chinese-made Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.

Japanese food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.

Sainsbury's peanuts:
Warning: contains nuts.

American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.

Korean kitchen knife:
Warning keep out of children

Helmet mounted mirror used by us cyclists:
Remember, objects in the mirror are actually behind you

New Zealand insect spray:
This product not tested on animals.

Blanket from taiwan:
not to be used as protection from a tornado

Cardboard windshield sun shade:
Warning: Do Not Drive With Sun Shield in Place.

Infant's bathtub:
Do not throw baby out with bath water.

Package of Fisherman's Friend throat lozenges:
Not meant as substitute for human companionship.

Disposable razor:
Do not use this product during an earthquake.

Bottle of shampoo for dogs
Caution: The contents of this bottle should not be fed to fish.

Curling Iron
Warning: This product can burn eyes.

Hair Dryer
Do not use in shower.

Hair Dryer
Do not use while sleeping.

Hand-held Massaging Device
Do not use while sleeping or unconscious.

Case of a chocolate CD in a gift basket.
Do not place this product into any electronic equipment.

A toilet at a public sports facility
Recycled flush water unsafe for drinking.

Pair of shin guards made for bicyclists
Shin pads cannot protect any part of the body they do not cover.

Container of Underarm Deodorant.
Caution: Do not spray in eyes.

Aim-n-Flame fireplace lighter.
Do not use near fire, flame, or sparks.

Toner cartridge for a laser printer
Do not eat toner.

13-inch wheel on a wheelbarrow
Not intended for highway use.

Can of self-defense pepper spray.
May irritate eyes.

Novelty rock garden set called "Popcorn Rock"
Eating rocks may lead to broken teeth.

A frisbee
Warning: May contain small parts.

A toilet bowl cleaning brush.
Do not use orally.

A birthday card for a 1 year old.
Not suitable for children aged 36 months or less.

Heated seat cushion
Warning: Do not use on eyes.

Microwave Oven:
Do not use for drying pets.

Electric Cattle Prod
For use on animals only.

Can of air freshener.
For use by trained personnel only.

Silly Putty
Do not use as ear plugs.

Knife sharpening stone
Warning: knives are sharp!

Deodorant
Do not use intimately.

Rat Poison
Warning: has been found to cause cancer in laboratory mice.

Portable stroller
Caution: Remove infant before folding for storage.

Dashboard of a mail truck
Look before driving.

Children's cough medicine
Do not drive car or operate machinery.

Sign at a railroad station
Beware! To touch these wires is instant death.
Anyone found doing so will be prosecuted.

Bottom of a supermarket dessert box
Do not turn upside down.

Package of dice.
Not for human consumption.

Bottled Drink:
Twist top off with hands. Throw top away. Do not put top in mouth.

Shipment of hammers
May be harmful if swallowed.

Manual for an SGI computer.
Do not dangle the mouse by its cable or throw the mouse at co-workers.

Stamped on the metal barrel of a .22 calibre rifle
Warning: Misuse may cause injury or death.

Electric Thermometer.
Do not use orally after using rectally.

Packaging for a chain saw file, used to sharpen the cutting teeth on the chain.
Turn off motor before using this product.

6x10 inch inflatable picture frame
Not to be used as a personal flotation device.

Box of bottle rockets
Do not put in mouth.

Wrapper of a Fruit Roll-Up snack
Remove plastic before eating.

Box for a car jack
For lifting purposes only.

Small print from car commercial which shows a car in the ocean
Do not drive cars in ocean.

Instructions for a cordless phone:
Do not put lit candles on phone.

Small print from a car commercial which shows a vehicle "body-surfing" at a concert
Always drive on roads. Not on people.

Bus Stop
No stopping or standing.

Church Sign
These rows reserved for parents with children.

Bag of Fritos
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.

Credit card statement.
Payment is due by the due date.

Laundromat triple washer
No small children.

Sign in front of a newly renovated ramp that led to the entrance of a building
Take care: new non-slip surface.

Box of Pills
Take one capsule by mouth three times daily until gone.

Instructions on the packaging for a muffin at a 7-11
Remove wrapper, open mouth, insert muffin, eat.

Can of black pepper.
Instructions: usage known.

Bag of cat biscuits
Simply pour the biscuits into a bowl and allow the cat to eat when it wants.

Car Manual
In order to get out of car, open door, get out, lock doors, and then close doors.

Espresso Kettle
The appliance is switched on by setting the on/off switch to the 'on' position.

T.V. manual
Do not pour liquids into your television set.

Label on a hammer
Caution - Do not use this hammer to strike any solid object

VCR box
Instructional video on hooking up VCR included.

Toilet brush
Do not use for personal hygiene.

Black rubber fishing worm
Not for human consumption.

Orange Juice Can:
100 pure all-natural fresh-squeezed orange juice from concentrate.

Depend Adult Diapers
Step into underwear and pull them on just like regular underwear.

Furniture Wipes
Do not use for a baby wipe.

Stickers to put on the seat of a potty training toilet
This is not a toy. Stickers require adult supervision.

Lawnmower
Warning: When Motor Is Running - The Blade Is Turning

Instructions on the bottom of a grocery store pizza
Do not turn upside down.

Bottom of a Coca-Cola bottle
Do not open here.

Bottle of bathtub cleaner
For best results, start with clean bathtub before use.

Container of lighter fluid
WARNING: Contents flammable!

Box of household nails
CAUTION! - Do NOT swallow nails! May cause irritation!

Microwave popcorn, packaged so that the directions cannot be read unless you open the plastic and unfold it
Direction #1: Remove plastic.

Drink bottle label
Do not peel label off.

Woolite carpet cleaner
Safe for carpets, too!

Box of Frosted Cheerio's
The logo, "Tastes so good this box never closes," is located just underneath another announcement: "To close: place tab here."

Sterno
Do not use near fire or flame.

Container of salt
Warning: High in sodium

Hose Nozzle
Do not spray into electrical outlet.