Favourite quotes: "Then I'd ask him 'do you know what three plus three is?' and he'll respond 'dur-hur, is it 'pickles?'' and I'd die a little more inside."

‘I see, I see. Well then, it sounds like your only course of action is to fuck him senseless.’
‘Mycroft, that is not the high-quality advice I was expecting to receive when I rang you up.’

"Like how Arthur is inwardly screaming out in torment because his boyfriend is talking and laughing with another boy. So why can't Alfred laugh like that around him?"
"But, Elizaveta-san, Alfred does laugh like that around Arthur. And, well, he's not laughing. They're just sitting there. Also, Arthur doesn't look like he's screaming inwardly. He's texting someone."

"That was definitely crossing some line he used to have, pre-St. Victoria's. In fact, he rather missed that line, which he was now nicknaming self-respect."

"What a wonderful epitaph you'll have: 'Here lies Alfred. He was fat. Really, really fat.'"

"i don’t see how people go without sleep for more than a day how do you live omfg i felt like i was about to die about an hour ago and my dog keeps biting my foot and he may only be a baby but his teeth hurt really bad but i feel bad for jerking away my foot because every time i do he sounds like he’s crying and i feel like a bad mother"

"Well alright then Al, I suppose if you must, you could probably hold Arthur's hand. I mean, it might be completely unexpected, considering you guys haven't been dating for the past- What, two weeks? But you know, he'll get over it."

"Hey, Arthur, have you ever loved someone so much that it hurts to breathe?"
"I'm pretty sure that if you're having trouble breathing, then it's not down to love. You probably have lung cancer."

"Do you remember not twenty minutes ago when you came and woke me up by pelting me with rolled-up socks?"
"I recall that stage in my career with fondness."

"God, John is so cross today. Now he’s shouting at me about the stuff in the toaster. How was I to know he would want toast at lunchtime of all times? For one thing, to any sane person toast is clearly a breakfast and tea food only. His insistence that toast is appropriate at midday is surely a sign of a sharp upswing in moral corruption."

"GOOD GOD WHAT DOES THIS MAN DO WITH HIS PENT-UP SEXUAL ENERGY, IS HE A ROBOT? I suppose if he were a robot he could convert sexual energy into clean-burning fuel.
I think I may have discovered the answer to global warming. At times like this I am staggered by my own brilliance."

"My head hurts."
"That's your brain trying to comprehend its own stupidity."

‘Don’t be silly. I highly doubt that bacon is capable of deciding to do anything. It is bacon. It is not gifted with reason.’