I'm horrible with commitment, so good luck with the waiting if you're reading a WIP of mine. Most of the time there's about 0% chance of completion but then again I might go nuts and finish it some five years later or something.

A compromise is the art of dividing a cake in such a way that everyone believes he has the biggest piece.

Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't.

Any word you have to hunt for in a thesaurus is the wrong word. There are no exceptions to this rule.

Don't you wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence? There's one marked 'Brightness,' but it doesn't work.

Here's a tip to avoid death by celebrity: First off, get a life. They can't touch you if you're out doing something interesting.

Hollywood is a place where they'll pay you a thousand dollars for a kiss and fifty cents for your soul.

If you aren't fired with enthusiasm, you will be fired by enthusiasm.

If you can keep your head while other people are losing theirs, you probably don't fully understand the situation.

Irrigation of the land with seawater desalinated by fusion power is ancient. It's called 'rain'.

Laughter and tears are both responses to frustration and exhaustion. I myself prefer to laugh, since there is less cleaning up to do afterward.

Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us to walk and talk, and the rest of it telling us to sit down and shut up.

Its always in the last place you look...of course it is, why the hell would I keep looking after I found it?

You're laughing now because you're older than me by mere months, but when you're 30 and I'm still 29, who will be laughing then?

When you're down I may not be able to pick you back up, but I promise I'll be willing to lay down right next to you.

You don't die of a broken heart... you only wish you did.

There cannot be a crisis this week; my schedule is filled.

Whoever said nothing is impossible never tried slamming a revolving door.

One day, we will look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject.

Silence is golden, but duct tape is silver.

Life isn't passing me by, its trying to run me over.

People can be divided into three groups. Those who make things happen. Those who watch things happen. Those who wonder what happened.

Punctuality is the virtue of the bored.

Smile, and the world will smile back at you. Laugh, and they'll all think you're on drugs.

The 'Net is a waste of time, and that's exactly what's right about it

There is no reciprocity. Men love women, women love children, children love hamsters.

This calls for a particularly subtle blend of psychology and extreme violence.

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?

You talk to God, you're religious. God talks to you, you're psychotic.

It is absurd to divide people into good and bad. People are either charming or tedious.