Hi, and welcome - or welcome back - to my profile. We've recently had a major spring clean here at Cucumber HQ, so the premises may look a little different from when you last looked around, if you ever have before. The quotes remain the same, though obviously new ones are added all the time, but pretty much everything else is new or updated. Enjoy... but watch out for spoilers!

Personal info

About me

Appearance: Green
Location: Cucumber HQ, a.k.a. your salad bowl
Age: Old enough
How to contact me: PM me, letter in a bottle, PM me on FictionPress (you can find me there as Cucumber-girl), message me on deviantART (also Cucumber-girl), open the vegetable crisper

Likes

Genre: Sci-fi, fantasy, romance
Fandom: Twilight (Team Edward forever!!), Harry Potter, Star Trek, hg2g, assorted others. I love Glee but don't read fanfiction for it, much
Pairing: Jacob + Leah, Kirk + Spock (traditional universe), Spock + Uhura (alternate universe), Lily Potter + Severus Snape, Aziraphale + Crowley
Other random stuff: Science and maths in general (algebra and physics specifically are my favourite subjects within that), tennis, sprinting, athletics, music, tea, Kurt from Glee (he's my LIFE!)

Dislikes

Genre: Horror, crime
Fandom: There's no fandom I definitively hate, I guess
Pairing: Jacob x Bella, Harry x Bella, Kirk x Spock (alternate universe)
Other random stuff: When people cut me into slices and eat me in a salad, hits sans reviews, my family, misuse of the word "random" (as opposed to "arbitrary")

NOTE: Although most people say that they don't like OOC in trad universes, I say "call it character development". This is partly, though of course not entirely, due to the fact that in Coven X, my Twilight fic, Edward, Alice, Alec, and Tanya are all pretty much totally OOC pretty much all of the time. Also, I love messed-up or non-canon pairings, like Rosalie + Jacob, or - if you will allow me a personal favourite - Padme Amidala x Obi Wan.

My favourite quotes

Please do not feed the terrorists - Bill Bailey

Mulder: Hey, Scully.
Scully: Yes?
Mulder: I love you.
Scully: Oh, brother.
- The X-Files, Season Six, Ep. 3: Triangle

Really gives a feel for the scope and tragedy of the thing, doesn't it? - Ron Weasley, TDH

But you see, Meg, just because we don't understand doesn't mean it doesn't exist. - Mrs Murry, A Wind in the Door

Nothing is hopeless; we must hope for everything. - Euripides (I'm a total Classics geek, in case you didn't know!)

A straight line is not always the shortest distance between two points. - Mrs Whatsit, A Wrinkle in Time

You are actually too high. - Tuskface, to me

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they go by. - Douglas Adams

Life... is like a grapefruit. It's orange and squishy, and has a few pips in it, and some folks have half a one for breakfast. - Douglas Adams

As for there only ever being one phoenix, well, that'd obviously been written down by a man who needed to get out in the fresh air more and meet some ladies. - Terry Pratchett, Carpe Jugulum

Ah, this is obviously some strange usage of the word "safe" that I wasn't previously aware of. - Arthur Dent, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy (Douglas Adams)

One of the advantages of her not having a bloodstream is that you can fill her veins full of chocolate. - Tuskface, to Purple13512, about me

I really want to eat your shoulder. - Funny-Replay, to friend on school bus

PRUSSIA HAS SEIZED MY VITAL REGIONS!! - Austria, APH

PASTAAAAAAAA-A! - Italy, APH, pretty much constantly

And how can we win, when fools can be kings? - Muse: Knights of Cydonia

Why do you keep looking at me so freakily in class? - Tuskface, to me, because I freak her out (I freak everyone out, to tell you the truth, but her especially)

I have... an UMLAUT! - Tuskface, on a sugar high

Ah, the... fdddddddd! - Me, not necessarily high

Me, testing Tuskface for a Chemistry test: So, what's a separating funnel?
Tuskface: It's a... funnel... that... separates things?
- Tuskface displays her usual dazzling intelligence while revising

I have the healthiest snack ever today! (Takes out an enormous cheese-coated pretzel) - Tuskface

I'm a cucumber. - Me: a legend is born in a Drama lesson last year

I'll join you when Hell freezes over. Dumbledore's Army! - Neville Longbottom, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, The Flaw in the Plan

Me, to friend Esk: Ned keeps sending me these INSANE emails!
Ned, not looking up from her screen across the desk: I heard that, you know, Cucumber...
- Friend Neddingtonanime1 and I in a computer lesson

Bring out the old guillotine, we'll show 'em what we all mean! - My Chemical Romance: Disenchanted

Looks at liquorice straw from sherbet fountain: ZOMG, that looks exactly like a lightsabre, with the thingy and the thingy and that other little black thingy...
- Purple13512

Ah, I see you've stolen my t-shirt. - My friend, upon noticing that we were wearing the same top

There's a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line. - Anon

God does not play dice with the universe; He plays an ineffable game of His own devising, which might be compared, from the perspective of any of the other players, to being involved in an obscure and complex version of poker in a pitch dark room, with blank cards, for infinite stakes, with a dealer who won't tell you the rules, and who smiles all the time. - Terry Pratchett (and Neil Gaiman), Good Omens

On bees: "One has often wondered -" Magrat paused "- how do you actually milk them?" - Terry Pratchett, Lords and Ladies

Tuskface: Hi!
Me (screaming in terror): Aaargh!
Tuskface scares me in the lunch queue. I'm scared easily...

Now this is going to sound stupid... but is 2:8 the same as 1:4? You got that one right, Purple13512. It did sound stupid. ^_^

You cry, I cry, you laugh, I laugh, you fall off a cliff, I laugh even harder. - Anon

My friend Helena: Hey, Dr --, Cucumber likes your new haircut!
Me: I DO NOT!
- With the help of a friend I get on my Chemistry teacher's bad side for ever; though with that haircut I must say he deserved it

Oh, God, hide me, she's stalking me! SHE'S ACTUALLY STALKING ME! - I hide behind Tuskface unsuccessfully as I see my English teacher approaching

I am going to write you angry letters and stalk you til you die, and then I will kill you again and eat you and THEN YOU WILL BE SORRY, do you hear me, CBS? THEN YOU WILL BE SORRY! Me, upon discovering that CBS has blocked Star Trek: The Original Series being shown in my country

Heart skipped a beat, when I caught it you were out of reach/But I am sure, I am sure, you've heard it before - the xx: Heart Skipped A Beat

My brother: What's for supper?
My mother: I was thinking of making a chicken casserole...
My brother (incredulously): With chicken?
- My little brother demonstrates once again his typical dexterity of mind

Exterminate, regenerate, I thought you always knew our fate/To just keep fighting on and on, while time keeps turning... Chameleon Circuit: Exterminate, Regenerate

Of COURSE I know what I'm doing! - Me to my mother, making cupcakes with Tuskface

Spock and Yoda are one and the same. - Tuskface, more than a little high on the aforementioned cupcakes

Before Glee Club, I had never kissed a girl. - Kurt, season finale of Glee

What is your problem? It's just a moist towelette! - Kurt, Glee, episode 20: Theatricality

My mom won't even let me watch Twilight. She says Kristen Stewart seems like a bitch. - Tina, Glee, episode 20: Theatricality

You can't feed a child sheet music, Will. I suppose you could, but they'd be dead in a month. - Bryan (NPH! Yay!), Glee, episode 19: Dream On

I'm a donkey. Oh my god, I actually am a donkey. Oh my god! - My friend Donkey, realising her true identity

Yay, we're early - I want to live in a box. - Funny-Replay on the bus the other day

Kol kol kol kol kol kol kol kol kol... - Russia to Lithuania, APH

Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way you're a mile away from them and you have their shoes. - Anon

I KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE... - Funny-Replay

I have your face in my face collection. - Tuskface, practically 24/7

Broadmoor Jesus! - Me, in reference to Jesus from Madness

I am your fridge. - Me and Funny - we can have fun anywhere, even in the most boring Geography lesson EVER

Me: We are... your noble conglomerate!
Ned: What the hell is a conglomerate?
Me: A kind of rock, I think.
- Me and Neddingtonanime1, writing a letter and wondering what a conglomerate was

Oh my God! It's a moist towelette! IT'S JUST A MOIST TOWELETTE, FINN! - Neddington, Purple13512, and I, when we were handed moist towelettes at a restaurant the other day

One day you will all work for me. - Kurt, Glee, episode 2: Showmance

Watson: Get that out of my face.
Holmes: It's not in your face, it's in my hand.
Watson: Get what's in your hand out of my face.
- Sherlock Holmes (2009 film version)

Bad Horse, Bad Horse, Bad Horse, Bad Horse -
He rides across the nation, the thoroughbred of sin...
- Bad Horse Chorus, Dr Horrible's Singalong Blob (BEST MUSICAL EVER...)

Billy: I want to be an achiever - like Bad Horse.
Penny (gasps): The thoroughbred of sin?
Billy: I meant... Gandhi.
- Billy (AKA Dr Horrible) and Penny, Dr Horrible's Singalong Blog

It's curtains for you, Horrible. Lacy, gently wafting curtains. - Captain Hammer, DHSB

What a crazy random happenstance! - Dr H., DHSB. I need to say this more often...

I'm Moist. At my most badass, I make people want to take a shower. - Moist (I love him... :D), DHSB

Oh, look at my wrist, I've got to go. - Dr Horrible, DHSB

Penny: Sometimes people are layered like that. There's something totally different underneath than what's on the surface.
Billy: And sometimes there's a third, even deeper, level. And that one is the same as the top, surface one.
Penny: Huh?
Billy: Like with pie.
- Billy + Penny forever... (DHSB)

Me: I think I got blood on my painting!
Art teacher: That will save me on red paint.
- Me and my art teacher after I had rather a dramatic nosebleed on my work

She's such a killjoy... with a small "c". - I'm an idiot, I know

My fanfic friends

Tuskface is extremely epic. She has an awesome sense of humour, she always reviews, and she's a great writer. Her best story, in my opinion, is Vampires and Wizards: a Renesmee and Albus Tale, which is so funny that it actually kills (Harry Potter/Twilight crossover, of course!), but all of her writing is great - she's written fics for Twilight, Runescape, Jane Eyre, and others that I can't even remember, that's how many she's done. We've also co-authored a story or two (okay, fine, two), as you can see below in the My fics section. Tusky's profile is funny, contains surveys, quizzes, and a lot of highness.

Purple13512 is about to publish her first story! It's going to be amazing, I promise you, and I cannot wait. Her profile contains about fifty favourites, some quotes, and other cool stuff. She's a Star Wars maniac and a generally brilliant person - we both love Glee, Wicked, tennis, and have great fun in life. I forgive her for being a Jedi, cause she's so awesome in every other sense.

Funny-Replay is another unbelievably cool fanfiction-friend. She writes mainly for Kirby, APH, and Doctor Who... sort of crack-fic, sometimes, but good crack-fic. She introduced me to APH (that's Axis Powers/Hetalia, my favourite anime) and other exciting stuff, such as the joy of sporks and people with birds on their heads (ZOMG! Gilbird spoke! HE SPOKE! Well, okay, he didn't speak so much as cackle, but still. He's my role model in life, don't ruin this for me!). Funny also has excellent taste in music. And she knows one of the most important truths of life: It's never just a burrito.

All of the above can be found on deviantART under the same names. Tuskface also resides on FictionPress, again as Tuskface.

My fics

My major projects

Coven X (Twilight) - Alice has a mysterious vision of a silent girl. Edward hears thoughts that seem to come from nobody. And in the ivory towers of the Volturi, Jane's world starts to collapse around her as events that none of them could have foreseen unfold... Prologue and 11 chapters published now
Fading Star? (Star Trek: 2009) - A catastrophic accident causes Uhura to be stranded on Vulcan, fifty years in the past. When she meets Lakyo, a rebel Vulcan, coincidence binds them forever, and soon they are fighting fate on a desperate mission to reclaim what has been lost... 5 chapters published now, next chapter in the making

Collaborations and sidelines

The Old Testament (Club Penguin/Bible crossover) - This is basically what it says on the tin: Tusky and I were bored one time at her house, so we grabbed a Bible and re-wrote it... Club Penguin style. Funny stuff, let me assure you. The Creation and the Garden of Eden are posted already; Cain and Abel is in the process of being written. 2 chapters published now
The Crap Commencement (Series of Unfortunate Events) - A parody of The Bad Beginning by Lemony Snicket, by myself and Tuskface. It's slightly crazy and full of hyperactivity. 3 chapters published now
Of Cloudless Climes and Starry Skies (A Wrinkle in Time Trilogy) - Between AWD and ASTP, Meg Murray's adventures were many and manifold. Here they are chronicled for the first time, anti-matter angels and all. 3 chapters published now, ON HIATUS due to extreme busy-ness

Coming up

Never Let Me Go (Harry Potter series) - Description will be posted when the story is!

My beta projects

I'm currently working on editing BellaCullenMad's story, My New Moon, so please read and review - I've edited the last couple of chapters (can't remember which from...), so please read and review. It's a great story with a lot of potential, and I really think we're getting somewhere with it!

Watch this space for any news of upcoming projects!

Arbitrary stuff to do with my stories

WARNING: SPOILERS AHEAD, PLEASE DRIVE CAREFULLY!!

Here are a couple of character bios. More will be posted as more character of some of my own characters are revealed.

Caprice Auditore (appears in Coven X)
Species: Human
Age: Sixteen
Appearance: About 5ft 6in tall, almost-black hair, olive skin, slender
Location: Volterra, Italy
Occupation: Schoolgirl, has a summer job selling olives at a market stall

Lt. Kinari Tomlin (appears in Fading Star?)
Species: Half Betazoid, half Human
Age: 24
Appearance: Long black hair, light-brown skin, 5ft 10in tall (approx.), completely black eyes
Location: Can usually be found either on the USS Enterprise or on her home planets of Betazed/Earth
Occupation: Junior xenolinguistics officer on the USS Enterprise

Lakyo (appears in Fading Star?)
Species: Vulcan... or is she?
Age: 17 - or so we're told...
Appearance: Straight black hair, normally plaited around her head, faintly green-tinted skin, about 5ft 3in tall, would be pretty except somehow she's really not
Location: Vulcan
Occupation: Rebel student of the Vulcan Science Academy

Emily (appears in OCCASS)
Species: TBR
Age: TBR
Appearance: None fixed - frequently changes features, physicality, et c.
Location: Here and there, round and about
Occupation: TBR

Inspiration playlists

There are several songs that remind me of my stories, or that I listen to when I'm writing them. Below are the few that stand out in my memory for each of my stories. Obviously, if you've read Coven X, all the chapter names are songs already, so these are additional to those listed there.

Coven X
Plug in Baby by Muse
River by Joni Mitchell
Mr Tambourine Man by Bob Dylan
Edit by Regina Spektor
Take A Bow by Muse You'll see why when the story continues!
Heart Skipped A Beat by the xx See chapter Take Me With You
One More Time With Feeling by Regina Spektor
Leave Out All The Rest by Linkin Park See chapter Falling Away With You
Vampires Will Never Hurt You by My Chemical Romance

Fading Star
Infinity by the xx
Crystalised by the xx
Muscle Museum by Muse
All We Have Is Now by The Flaming Lips
K9's Lament by Chameleon Circuit See upcoming chapter
Time Is Running Out by Muse
Rebel Rebel by David Bowie One word: Lakyo.
Teenagers by My Chemical Romance
Vampires Will Never Hurt You by My Chemical Romance I know it's kind of the wrong domain, but it's so applicable

Never Let Me Go
Creep by Radiohead
I'm Not Okay (I Promise) by My Chemical Romance
The Cave by Mumford & Sons
Demolition Lovers by My Chemical Romance

Fun stuff

The 6 truths of life...

1. You can't lick all of your teeth with your tongue.

2. You just tried to do the above.

3. The first truth is a lie.

4. You're smiling now because you're realising you're an idiot.

5. You'll copy this into your profile for some other sucker to read it.

6. There's still a stupid smile on your face. XD

If you haven't died yet, copy and paste this onto your profile.

Minor political statement (i.e. copy & paste with a liberal perspective)

They say "Guns don't kill people, people kill people." Well, I think the guns help. If you stood there and yelled BANG, I don't think you'd kill too many people.

Book recommendations

18.05.10. The first book I'd like to recommend to you is Equal Rites, by Terry Pratchett. It's amazing, funny and clever without ever being cloying.
03.06.10. If you like mock-historical fiction that's only slightly (okay, well, very) off-the-wall, then you're sure to like Fly by Night by Frances Hardinge.
08.06.10. 1984 by George Orwell is one of the best books I've ever read.
15.06.10. The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams is another great book. I've heard it's even better in German.
19.06.10 What about Good Omens by Terry Pratchett and Neil Gaiman? You know you want to...
21.06.10 What do you mean, you haven't read The Tales of Beedle the Bard? Are you honestly telling me that you don't read fairy-tales by JKR in Ancient Runes? You must be crazy.
30.06.10 Shiver by Maggie Steifvater - it was almost enough to convert me to Team Jacob.
09.08.10 My new obsession: Percy Jackson and the Olympians series by Rick Riordan - I'm seriously obsessed. Go Percabeth!
16.08.10 I've been reading Neil Gaiman at the moment in huge quantities: try Stardust for a start, then move on to Neverwhere for awesome creepiness with a London theme.
24.08.10 My favourite "classic" novel has been Wuthering Heights by Emily Bronte for about three years, since I first read it.
26.09.10 I absolutely adore Alice in Wonderland by Lewis Carroll... it's like being on drugs, but IT NEVER STOPS. (Not that I know what it's like to be on drugs... hem hem...)
20.11.10 Right now I'm into Unseen Academicals by Terry Pratchett... about twelve pages into it, actually.
19.12.10 Enjoying Dorian Gray by Oscar Wilde ATM, folks.

Top ten fanfictions (in no particular order)

Keep Your Distance by sheslostcontrol (Star Trek: 2009) I loved everything about this story, including the awesome main character!

Hate is a Strong Word by Diane Langley (Twilight) Leah rocks! This story is really well-written and the characters in one of my favourite pairings ever are developed beautifully.

Seven Deadly Sinners by Trastamara Trash (Harry Potter) A clever idea in seven drabbles.

5 Times Jim Kirk Said "I Love You" Without Words by The Second Coming (Star Trek: 2009) This is a rather excellent exploration of JTK's character.

VICTORIA by Sefirosukuraodo (Twilight) An invented history of Victoria, this is amazing and exciting, as well as scary and sad - and incredibly well-written. Unfortunately, it's been taken down.

Vampires & Wizards by Tuskface (Twilight/Harry Potter) By my co-author of The Crap Commencement... need I say anything else?

Meandering by Blinguist (Star Trek: 2009) What can I say? This is cute, funny, and is all about Spock and Nyota, another of my favourite pairings.

Ad Initium by Kioko (Percy Jackson and the Olympians) What would have happened if Thalia hadn't been defeated? Awesome one-shot from Annabeth's perspective.

Cathy and HC by angel of cullen (Wuthering Heights) A modern-day retelling which is just incredibly cool, high-concept and, naturally, heart-breaking.

Death of a Rose by silentsky93 (Twilight) Too brilliant an idea and account of it for words... I highly recommend this to anyone who ever doubted Edward and Bella's love.

Thank you for visiting Cucumber HQ, and please keep checking for updates and news!