Yalola. It's like "yo" "hola" and "hello" and "aloha" smushed together...get it...? Prolly not...But it's copy-righted so maybe it'd be best if you didn't understand... So my name is mysteriousQuack and I like ducks, particularly yellow, white, or pink. I gotz loadz 'o duckies. Rubber, glass, infalteble, anything remotley ducky. Not exactly sure what other necessary things I should be putting in this her thinger bog. Perhaps some fun facts. haha Jkjk. So here's some interesting stuff, although it is quite long so have fun reading it. =]

A little about good ol' moi:

Name: Not sure if that's relevent

Age: 17

Height: 6' yes, yes, I have been called lumberjack and yetti before.

Weight: fat. haha just joking. I weigh the same amount as half of me multiplied by two. ;]

Eye Color: A wicked cool green with, like, brown flecks. (they be awesome)

Hair Color: A yucky grayish-lightish brown. =P but i dyed it a deep red.

Sex: I'm gonna have to go ahead and quote my good buddy FullMoonBallad "Proud carrier of the XX chromosome, thank ya very much. For the scientifically challenged, that means I'm a girl." haha thanks buddy.

I have had a multitude of pets over my life including a pig, goats, dogs, cats, and a fishy. I currently have two dogs: Dingo, an Australian cattle dog, and Tequila, also an Australia cattle dog. I call her fatty because...well...she's fat. Not really, but I believe her metabolism has bipolar...it fluctuates. Anyway, both are girls. I also have a fishy named Lieutenant Comander Gregory Shiney Sides. He's a white goldfish with an orange splotch on his head. Funny story as to how I got him, but I shall save that for another time. I go to a veeeeeeeerrrrrryyyyyyyyyyy small highschool and my only hobby there is playing instruments. (I'm not the most athletic person in the world...teehee) I have played clarinet for five years, bari sax for about two, and cornet (It's a squashed trumpet) for about a year. In my free time I love to read and write with my fellow intelectual badasses (pardon my language, but it means nerd)

Weather: I love it when it's dreary and rainy out. I tend to write better then.

Location: thats disclosed private undercover secret information. Not really but its sounds cool to say. Teehee

Favorites

Music-Bands and Artists: Definately The Offspring. Their my favorite band on the ENTIRE planet. If you haven't heard them, check 'em out. I highly reccomend it, although, only if you're the heavy metal/rock type. Avril Lavinge, Ludo, Taylor Swift, ABBA, The Beatles, Nickelback, Owl City, Black Eyed Peas, Beyonce, AC/DC, Aerosmith, Quiet Riot, Twisted Sister, Miley Cyrus, Celion Dion, Cascada, Nirvana, Linkin Park, Iron and Wine,Ke$ha, Avenged Sevenfold, No Doubt, Katy Perry,Lady GaGa, Adam Lambert, Christina Aguilera, David Archuleta, Duran Duran, Green Day, Justin Beiber, KISS, Plain White T's, Rihanna, Simple Plan, ect. You might be able to notice I love music...Teehee...:-P I also love scores and any type of classical music.

Music-Songs: Get Low, anything by The Offspring, Horror of Our Love, Host of Seraphim, Flightless Bird, American Mouth, Tik Tok, Dear God, Let It Be, Never Gonna Be Alone, Just a Girl, Beautiful Eyes, many many more.

Food: Basically anything edible and some things that aren't... Cheese is absolutely DiScUsTiNg if you ask me, as well as butter...Blech. Popcorn in a favorite snack and pizza is yummy especially with green peppers and pineapple. (The cheese is tolerable) CHOCOLATE CAKE!! Grandma's is best! Cookies are good, too. And Root Beer. And ice cream.

Animal: Uhm, hello...? DUCKS!! Teehee, as well as fish, bunnies, horses, dogs, cats, and perhaps pigs and goats. Had some of those once upon a time. Basically any mamal known to man...

Books: If I where to list every single book that I ever loved, it would be long enough itself to publish. However, I will name a few. The Immortals series and basically anything by Alyson Noel, The Vampire Diaries, The Twilight Saga, The Wicked Lovely series, Maximum Ride, Keisha'ra, Breeding Ground, The Lord of the Rings series, The Eragon series, The Warriors series, Vampire Academy, Immortals, Need series anything by Alyson noel, and only a bazillion more. Teehee My favorite books almost always have something to do with depressing matters. You'll see that sort of thing in my writing if you read it.

Authors: Alyson Noel is my top, most favoritest author EVER. End of story. (not that i don't like others)

TV Shows: FRINGE!!!! and ROOKIE BLUE, BOSTON MED, WIPEOUT, VAMPIRE DIARIES, and soaps such as THE YOUNG AND THE RESTLESS and THE BOLD AND THE BEAUTIFUL.

Color: Navy blue. I don't know why.

Movies: Sweeny Todd, The Proposal, Twilight, New Moon, Clue, Tropic Thunder, Hot Rod, Napolean Dynamite, many more.

Actors: Taylor Lautner, Ryan Reynolds, Johnny Depp, Orlando Bloom, Chace Crawford, Channing Tatum, Ian Somerhalder, Zach Braff, Cillian Murphy, Paul Wesley, ect.

Actresses: Sandra Bullock, Catherine Zet-Jones, Imogen Poots, ect.

fun facts 1o1: Probably more like lame facts 1o1 but ooooh well.

I'm kind of an eco-chick. Like I am insanely protective of the environment...don't judge me

I love to write. it's like my MAJOR favorite thing to do in the world. If there was no such thing as writing, I would die.

I'm a sucker for depressing literature. Especially if it has anything to do with romance. =]

Please REVIEW my stories! I would greatly appreciatie because it makes me a much better writer if I see other's opinions! Thank you in advance. =]

Disclaimer: I own nothing. The things that I have written/will write and post on here are strictly fanfiction. And I am well aware of myself forgetting to put this on some previous things that I have written.

Oh yes! Please don't forget to investigate my bestest buddies' profiles and their stories! They are, in fact, amazing authors themselves, though sometimes they deny it...

Their names are FullMoonBallad and SongoftheWolf.

My favorite sport to watch on T.V. is football and my favorite team is the PITTSBURGH STEELERS!! WOOOOT!! Teehee...people get mad at me for it because they beat our home state team earlier in the season...haha.

Not sure what else to say so I shall just put some funny shtuff in.

Quotes

"Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss." - Douglas Adams

Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings

The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on. - Robert Bloch

Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils ... - Louis Hector Berlioz

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

There are no stupid questions, just stupid people.

What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere?
'Hold my purse.'

What you call dog with no legs?
Don't matter what you call him, he ain't gonna come.

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling.

Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. - Henny Youngman

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

Everybody wants to go to heaven; but nobody wants to die.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. It's just that yours is stupid.

Worst excuse for not turning in homework: I couldn't find anyone to copy it from.

The only reason people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory.

Guys: No Shirt, No Service - Gals: No Shirt, No Charge

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants. A. Whitney Brown

Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain. Lily Tomlin

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity. - Albert Einstein

"Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the world together."

He who laughs last didn't get it.

If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!

How do you get a Kleenex to dance?
Put a little boogy in it!

All generalizations are false, including this one.

It is impossible to travel faster than the speed of light, and certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off.

Why is it called 'after dark' when it really is 'after light'?

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.

Money doesn't make you happy. I now have 50 million but I was just as happy when I had 48 million.

You know the speed of light;so what is the speed of dark ?

Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world.

Who are you and how did you get in here? Frank: I'm a locksmith. And... I'm a locksmith...

Ideas don't stay in some minds very long because they don't like solitary confinement.

Fun Stuff

Borrowed this stuff from my nerd friend's profile. Teehee

Ways To Annoy Your Professors ~ Bring a small cactus to class with you. Raise your hand, and when you're called on, say that the cactus has a question. Turn and look at the cactus, as if you're waiting for it to say something.
After a few moments, shrug, and wait for your professor to move on. Do this once a day, and become increasingly irritated with the cactus every time, sighing heavily and giving it evil looks when it fails to "speak." When you leave the room after class, start yelling at the cactus, "I can't believe you embarrassed me AGAIN..."

Truly stupid things found on other things.

On Sears hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping.
(Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)

On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(The shoplifter special!)

On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
(And that would be how?)

On some Swann frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
(But it's 'just' a suggestion!)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box)
Do not turn upside down.
(Too late! You lose!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.
(Are you sure? Let's experiment.)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.
(But wouldn't that save more time?)(Whose body?)

On Boot's Children's cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
(We could do a lot to reduce the construction accidents if we just kept those 5 year olds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol sleep aid:
Warning: may cause drowsiness.
(One would hope!)

On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning: keep out of children.
(hmm...something must have gotten lost in the translation...)

On a string of Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
(As opposed to use in outer space.)

On a food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.
(Now I'm curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts:
Warning: contains nuts.
(but no peas?)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
(Somebody got paid big bucks to write this one...)

On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
(Raise your hand if you've tried this...)

On a child's Superman costume:
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
(Oh go ahead! That's right, destroy a universal childhood belief.)

10 Commandments of a Teenager

1) Thou shall not sneak out when parents are sleeping.
(Why wait that long)
2) Thou shall not do drugs.
(Alcohol lasts longer, not to mention being cheaper.)
3) Thou shall not steal from K-Mart.
(Wal-Mart has a bigger selection)
4) Thou shall not be arrested for vandalism.
(Destruction has a bigger effect)
5) Thou shall not steal from your parents.
(Everyone knows grandma has more money)
6) Thou shall not get into fights.
(Just start them)
7) Thou shall not skip class.
(Just take the whole day off)
8) Thou shall not strip in class.
(Hooters pays more)
9) Thou shall not think about having sex.
(like Nike says, "Just do it")
10) Thou shall not help old ladies across the street.
(Just leave ‘em in the middle)

Something to Make You Giggle

"I understand that Scissors can beat Paper, and I get how Rock can beat Scissors, but there's no fucking way Paper can beat Rock. Is Paper supposed to magically wrap around Rock, leaving it immobile? Why the hell can't Paper do this to Scissors? Screw Scissors, why can't Paper do this to people? Why aren't sheets of college ruled notebook paper constantly suffocating students as they attempt to take notes in class? I'll tell you why, because Paper can't beat anybody, a Rock would tear that shit up in two seconds. When I play Rock/ Paper/ Scissors, I always choose Rock. Then when somebody claims to have beaten me with their Paper I can punch them in the face with my already clenched fist and say, oh shit, I'm sorry, I thought Paper would protect you, you asshole."

Random Sayings

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink what comes out"?

Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken over there ... I'm gonna eat the first thing that comes out if its butt"?

If the sky is the limit, then what is space, over the limit?

I used to be indecisive, now I'm not so sure.

I know it sounds like I'm in denial, but I'm not.

If aliens are looking for intelligent life, WHY ARE YOU SCARED?!

The spontaneous rally will begin at 1:45.

As I said before, I never repeat myself.

I never apologize. I'm sorry, but that's just the way I am.

If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?

If ignorance is bliss, I'm the happiest person you'll ever meet.

A conclusion is simply the place where you get tired of thinking.

Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid all together.

Everyone has photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

When in doubt, mumble.

I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.

I'm not overweight, I'm undertall.

The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

It's not fat, it's potential muscle.

My doctor told me to start my exercise program very gradually. Today I drove past a store that sells sweat pants.

The handle on your recliner does not qualify as an exercise machine.

I'm on a 90-day wonder diet. Thus far, I have lost 45 days.

Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect to get it back!

A life? Cool! Where do I download one of those?

Stress: The confusion created when one's mind overrides the body's basic desire to choke the living daylights out of some idiot who desperately deserves it.

How is it possible to have a civil war?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup?

If the #2 pencil is so popular, why is it still #2?

What is the speed of dark?

Why do psychics have to ask for your name?

Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Why do you go “back and forth” to town if you really must go forth before you go back?

Why is it when some products you have to turn it upside down to read the directions, and the directions say do not turn upside down?

Which way does a compass point in space?

35 Things to do when your in Walmart! This is hilarious...

1. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

2. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.

3. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone,
" 'Code 3' in housewares"... and see what happens.

4. Go the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.

5. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

6. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.

7. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask,
"Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

8. Look right into the security camera & use it as a mirror, and pick your nose.

9. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti - depressants are.

10. Dart around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

11. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look"

12. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through,
say "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

13. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream..
"NO! NO! It's those voices again!"

14. Go into a fitting room and shut the door and wait a while and then yell, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!

15.Grap alot of bouncy balls and throw them down the aisle, shouting "Go, Pikachu, Go"

16. Pass out bananas to random people and snicker loudly when they take one.

17. Buy 350 cans of tuna and scream "THIS CAN'T BE RIGHT!! YOU HAVE TO PUT SOME BACK!!" when the cashier tells you the price.

18. Walk around looking confused in the CD section and ask people where you can find the CDs.

19. Start a fish-stick fight.

20. Walk up to random people, give them bear hugs, and say very loudly that you missed them and they never really did get that dandruf shampoo you recommended.

21. Jump in a cart and have a friend push you while you scream "The Germans are coming!"

22. Attempt to fly off a high shelf.

23. Run up to an employee and ask "Do you like me?" If they say no, yell out "You broke my heart, you evil monster! I'm telling the manager!" and start throwing canned tomatoes at them. If they say yes just to get you away, pat their shoulder, and say "What a shame because that girl over there" point to a random person "was just about to ask you to dinner."

24. Throw confetti on random people walking into the store.

25. Whisper "I know your 'little' secret" to people in the checkout lines.

26. Stand inside the freezer in the frozen food section.

27. Walk up to employees and whisper "I saw dead people...they want me to take you away...to aisle eight..."

28. Ask the clerk to make a page saying "If there is an Edward in the store, Bella is looking for you at the main info desk". (this works best if you love Twilight, and don't try with Maximum Ride)

29. See how many cans of frosting you can open and thoroughly lick without getting caught.

30. Go to a person with a shopping cart full of merchandise and demand a ride in the basket.

31. Practice your juggling with a few Grade-A eggs.

32. Squeeze the cream-filled doughnuts.

33. Walk into the baby clothes section, pick up a pink baby dress, then throw it down and run away screaming that the pink bunnies of doom came back.

34. Bow to the display of T.Vs in the electronics section.

35. See if you can move the bottom can from the gigantic canned beet pyramid

~~10 Ways To Be S-T-U-P-I-D:

1. Ask For Directions To A Place You're Already At.
2. Try To Order Pizza From McDonalds.
3. Get Hit By A Parked Car.
4. Try To Watch Saturday Cartoons On A Thursday.
5. Try To Sell Your Money.
6. Try To Play The Alphabet On The Piano.
7. Eat All You Can Eat At A Store.
8. Get Into A Fight With Yourself And Lose.
9. Try To Go Swimming Without Getting Wet.
10. Ask For Diet Water At A Restaurant

t a guy means when he says some stuff-

"You know how bad my memory is!”
"I remember the theme song to 'F Troop,' the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned…but I forgot your birthday."

“Oh, don’t fuss, I just cut myself, it’s not big deal.”
"I have actually severed a limb but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."

“Take a breath honey. You work too hard.
"I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"It‘s a guy thing"
"There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"Can I help with dinner?"
"Why isn't it already on the table?"

"It would take too long to "
"I have no idea how it works."

"I can't find it."
"It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

WAYS TO MAKE SURE YOU'RE STILL INSANE

At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy."

Ask your dog if it's comfortable with it's name. Repeat with cat, until people ask if you're alright.

As often as possible, skip rather than walk
.

Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."

Sing along at the opera.

Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you have a headache.

When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I WON! I WON!"

While sitting at the dining table, tell your kids in a serious tone, "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."

When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot yelling, "Run for your lives! They're loose!!"

More Random Sayings

Secret admirers are stalkers with stationary.

Shut up voices or I'll poke you with a fork.

Do I have to spell it out for you or scream it in your face?!

I know I'm never going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.

We might not make good decisions, but hell, we make good stories.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

So what if we act like immature idiots? We're having fun.

Music is my boyfriend.

Doctors say I have multiple personalities. We disagree with that.

When life gives you lemons, make apple juice, then laugh while people try to figure out what the hell you did.

One day your prince will come. Mine? Oh, he just took a wrong turn, got lost, and is too stubborn to ask for directions.

I'm here because Heaven wouldn't take me, and Hell was afraid I'd take over.

I like you. When I rule the world, your death shall be quick and painless.

If I asked for your opinion, I'd take the tape off your mouth.

I used to be normal, until I met the freaks that I call my friends.

The person who smiles when things go wrong has found someone to blame it on.

I'd tell you to go to hell, but I live there and really don't want to see you everyday.

Even if the voices aren't real, they have some good ideas.

Curiosity killed the cat, but satisfaction brought it back. Stupidity killed the cat. Curiosity was framed.

Officer, I swear to Drunk I'm not God!

A wise man once said, "Ask a girl."

Psychology: Mind over matter? Mind under matter? It doesn't matter. Never mind.

When I hear somebody say, "Life is hard," I'm always tempted to ask, "Compared to what?"

If you can't convince them, confuse them.

When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country.

Join The Army. Visit places. Meet cool people... Then kill them...

If all else fails, read the instructions.

There is nothing more depressing than a hollow chocolate bunny.

Yes, I hit like a girl. You could too if you hit a bit harder.

When in danger, when in doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.

Perfect men are only fictional. (Hopefully I'm not the only one who realizes this.)

I'm not clumsy... The floor just hates me.

Remember this, if someone is bothering you. It takes 40 muscles to frown, but it only takes three to stick up your middle finger and say, "Bite me!"

Fighting is mind over matter. I don't mind, and you don't matter.

Why be difficult, when, with just a little bit of effort, you can be impossible?

If you don't like the way I drive, stay off the sidewalk.

Hate is just a special kind of love we give to people who suck.

Keep smiling; it makes people wonder what you're up to.

You have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be misquoted and used against you.

Chaos, panic, pandemonium. My work here is done.

If you don't like me, there is nothing I can do. Newsflash, Honey, I don't live to please you.

Don't knock on death's door. Ring the bell and run. He hates that.

Well, the voices and I took a vote. It's unanimous; you suck.

I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

You laugh because I'm different. I laugh because you're all the same.

Having one child makes you a parent, having two makes you a referee.

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

It is better to stay silent and be thought a fool, than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

He's not dead... he's electroencephalographically challenged.

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.

I called your boyfriend gay, and he hit me with his purse.

Anger is merely depression with enthusiasm.

"Whoever said nothing is impossible never tried slamming a revolving door."

"Welcome to the Ool. There's no "p" in it, lets keep it that way."

"If you're standing on a toilet, you're high on pot."

"Someday we'll look back at this, laugh nervously, and change the subject."

"Parents spend the first years of our lives teaching us to walk and talk and then during the rest of our lives they tell us to sit down and shut up."

"I am a bomb technician. If you see me running try and keep up!"

"I'm the kind of person your parents warned you about."

"Boys are like lava lamps, fun to watch but not too bright."

"Please Note: CHRISTMAS IS CANCELLED. Apparently you told Santa that you have been good this year...he died laughing."

"They say hard work never hurts anybody, but why take the chance?"

"God made man, and then he said, "I can do better than that," and made woman." - Adela Rodgers St. Johns

"I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made the horn louder."

"Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us." –Bill Watterson

"Always forgive your enemies- nothing annoys them more."

Life isn't passing me by, it's trying to run me over.

My knight in shining armour turned out to be a loser in aluminum foil.

Boys are like slinkeys, useless, but fun to watch fall down the stairs.

I ran with scissors, and lived!

You cry, I cry, you laugh, I laugh, you fall off a cliff, I laugh even harder.

I'm the kind of person who will burst out laughing in the middle of a dead silence because of something that happened yesterday.

Never argue with an idiot. They'll just drag you down to their level and beat you with experience.

I didn't lie! I just created fiction with my mouth!

I'm not afraid of death; I just don't want to be there when it happens.

At the top of the food chain sits chocolate.

Whenever I feel the need to exercise, I lie down until it goes away.

There's always a light at the end of the tunnel. Of course, it's usually an oncoming express train.

In order to lose your mind, you have to have one in the first place.

Aren't the 'good things that come to those who wait' just the leftovers from the people that got there first?

You're a good friend and I love you and all...but if we ever get chased by zombies, I'm totally tripping you.

I agree with the dictionary. Girls before guys, partying before studying, and friends before love.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.

There are three kinds of people in the world; ones that can count and ones that can't count.

I'm right 90 percent of the time, so why worry about the other 3?

I only have PMS on days that end in the letter "y".

I am on a quest to the deepest, darkest corners of my room in search of what some would call "a floor" - a long and difficult task awaits me. Wish me luck my friends for I may not return alive.

They say "Guns don't kill people, people kill people." Well I think the guns help. If you stood there and yelled BANG, I don't think you'd kill too many people.

It takes 42 muscles to frown, 28 muscles to smile, but only 4 muscles to reach out and slap someone.

"It doesn't matter whether the glass is half empty or half full, just drink it and get it over with."

"I'm not afraid of Death. What's he gonna do, kill me?"

Put this in your profile if you know a person or two who needs to get squished by a bus... or Tyler Crowley's van.

"Duct tape is like the force, it has a light side and a dark side and it holds the universe together."

"Education is important, school however, is another matter."

"Don’t mess with me - I've got a stick."

"Boys are like purses: cute, full of crap, and always replaceable."

"Evening News is where they begin with "Good Evening" then proceed to tell you why it isn't."

"I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow's not looking good, either."

"1 out of every 4 people are insane. Look at your three best friends, if it's not them, it's you."

"Don't follow in my footsteps, I tend to walk into walls."

"Men are like parking spots, the good ones are taken and the free ones are handicapped."

"What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere?
'Hold my purse.'"

"He Said: I don't know why you wear a bra, you have nothing to put in it.
She Said: You wear pants don't you?"

"Don’t knock on death’s door. Ring the bell and run. He hates that."

"I'm the kind of girl who falls and apologizes for it."

If at first you don't succeed...go back and reload the gun.

Some people are only alive because it's illegal to kill them.

Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.

There are few problems that can’t be solved with high explosives.

"I smile cause I don't know what the hell is going on."

The white man said, "Colored people are not allowed here." The black man turned around and stood up. He then said: "Listen sir...when I was born I was BLACK, When I grew up I was BLACK, When I'm sick I'm BLACK, When I go in the sun I'm BLACK, When I'm cold I'm BLACK, When I die I'll be BLACK. But you sir, When you're born you're PINK, When you grow up you're WHITE, When you're sick, you're GREEN, When you go in the sun you turn RED, When you're cold you turn BLUE, And when you die you turn PURPLE. And you have the nerve to call me colored?" The black man then sat back down and the white man walked away...
Post this on your profile if you hate racism.

I am a girl
Harsh but vulnerable.
Sarcastic but silly.
Stupid but thoughtful.
Thorny but tender.
Funny but serious.
Loud but passive.
Dramatic but bland.
An open book.
Easy to love & easy to hate.
Clutzy but occasionally coordinated.
Independent, but dependent on friends.
An oxymoron
A muddling paradox
An unsolvable contradiction
And totally proud of it.

Girls
are like
apples on trees.
The best ones are
at the top of the tree.The
boys dont want to reach
for the good ones because they
are afraid of falling and getting hurt.
Instead, they just get the rotten apples
from the ground that aren't as good,
but easy. So the apples at the top think
something is wrong with them, when in
reality, they're amazing. They just
have to wait for the right boy to
come along, the one who's
brave enough to
climb all
the way
to the top
of the tree.

A good friend wipes your tears when you're rejected. A best friend goes up to him and says, "It's because you're gay isn't it?"

A good friend comforts you after your boyfriend dumps you. A best friend calls him up whispering, "Seven days..."

A good friend helps you up when you fall. A best friend keeps on walking saying, "Walk much, dumb ass?"

A good friend helps you find your prince. A best friend kidnaps him and brings him to you.

A good friend will ask you if you're okay when you're crying. A best friend will laugh at you and say, "Ha Ha, Loser!"

A good friend will offer you a soda. A best friend will dump theirs on you.

A good friend will sit at the side of the pool with you at that time of the month. A best friend will throw you a tampon and push you in.

A good friend gives you their umbrella in the rain. A best friend takes yours and says, "Run - beep - run!"

A good friend will help you move. A best friend will help you move the bodies.

A good friend will bail you out of jail. A best friend would be in the room next to you saying, "Damn that was fun! Let's do it again!"

Good friends ask why you're crying. Best friends already have the shovel ready to bury the loser that made you cry.

Good friends will help you with your drug problem. Best friends are the ones who sold it to you.

My best friends are the kind that if my house were on fire, they'd be roasting marshmallows and flirting with the firemen.

Famous Last Words

Hey, watch this!

Poke it with a stick, see if it's dead.

What could possibly go wrong?

I'll hold it and you light the fuse.

I've got a great idea!

Where'd you put the bomb?

RUN!!

Hey, that looks like fun!

Hold my beer.

I wonder what this does...

Red or blue, red or blue...?

Oh, crap.

Why's it bubbling?

Guys, you gotta see this!

Famous Last Words

Hey, watch this!

Poke it with a stick, see if it's dead.

What could possibly go wrong?

I'll hold it and you light the fuse.

I've got a great idea!

Where'd you put the bomb?

RUN!!

Hey, that looks like fun!

Hold my beer.

I wonder what this does...

Red or blue, red or blue...?

Oh, crap.

Why's it bubbling?

Guys, you gotta see this!

Things to Do in an Exam you Already Know That You are Going to Fail:

1. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got the secret documents!!"

2. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm SOOO sure that you can hear me thinking." Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.

3. Bring a Game Boy. Play with the volume at max level.

4. On the answer sheet find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.

5. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say "They've found me, I have to leave the country" and run off.

6. 15 min. into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry Christmas." If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every 15 min.

7. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and nothing else.

8. Come down with a BAD case of Tourette's Syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar as possible.

9. Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.

10. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.

12. Turn in the exam approx. 30 min. into it. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was.

13. Get the exam. 20 min into it, throw your papers down violently, scream out "Fuck this!" and walk out triumphantly.

15. Show up completely drunk (completely drunk means at some point during the exam, you should start crying for mommy).

16. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.

17. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 min, put on a white mask and start yelling "I'm here, the phantom of the opera" until they drag you away.

18. If the exam is math/sciences related, make up the longest proofs you could possible think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life story.

19. Try to get people in the room to do a wave.

20. Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right next to you. Pray to it often. Consider a small sacrifice.

22. Puke into your exam booklet. Hand it in. Leave.

23. Take 6 packages of rice cakes to the exam. Stuff at least 2 rice cakes into your mouth at once. Chew, then cough. Repeat if necessary.

25. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About 5 min into it, loudly say to the instructor, "I don't understand ANY of this. I've been to every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who the hell are you? Where's the regular guy?"

26. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make one up!

27. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out.

28. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!"

30. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.

31. In the middle of the test, have a friend rush into the classroom, tag your hand, and resume taking your test for you. When the teacher asks what's going on, calmly explain the rules of Tag Team Testing to him/her.

32. Bring cheat sheets FOR ANOTHER CLASS (make sure this is obvious... like history notes for a calculus exam... otherwise you're not just failing, you're getting kicked out too) and staple them to the exam, with the comment "Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit."

33. Stand up after about 15 minutes, and say loudly, "Okay, let's double-check our answers! Number one, A. Number two, C. Number three, E..."

35. Wear a superman outfit under your normal clothes. 30 minutes into the exam, jump up and answer your phone, shouting "What? I'm on my way!!". rip off your outer clothes and run out of the room. strike a pose first for added effect.

38. Bring a giant cockroach into the room and release it on a girl nearby.

40. Bring one pencil with a very sharp point. Break the point off your paper. Sharpen the pencil. Repeat this process for one hour.

41. Make Strange noises... get people to stare... look at the person next to you as if he/she did it.

44. Use Invisible Ink to answer the whole exam.

45. Order catering. The catering company should come in about halfway through the test, and should include at least three waiters, eight carts of food, and five candelabras.

Top 71 Most Annoying Things To Do In An Elevator

1. When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.

2. Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.

3. Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.

4. Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor your on.

5. Hold the doors open and say your waiting for a friend. After a while, let the doors close, and say, "Hi Greg. How's your day been?"

6. Drop a pen and wait until someone goes to pick it up, then scream, "That's mine!"

7. Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.

8. Move your desk into the elevator and whenever anyone gets on, ask if they have an appointment.

9. Lay down the twister mat and ask people if they would like to play.

10. Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on, ask them if they can hear ticking.

11. Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.

12. Ask, "Did you feel that?"

13. Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.

14. When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay, don't panic, they open again!"

15. Swat at flies that don't exist.

16. Tell people that you can see their aura.

17. Call out, "Group Hug!"and then enforce it.

18. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, all of you, just shut up!"

19. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask, "Got enough air in there?"

20. Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

21. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in horror, "Your one of THEM!" and back away slowly.

22. Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.

23. Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.

24. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

25. Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, then announce, "I have new socks on".

26. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers, "This is MY personal space!"

27. Put police tape in front of the door before entering.

28. Hold an auction.

29. Do the "potty dance" all the way to the elevator door. Upon arrival, sigh and look greatly relieved.

30. Ask every passenger coming if you can borrow a tampon. Especially effective if victim is male. Even more effective if you yourself are male.

31. Throw a rave.

32. Place potted plants and water fountains at strategic locations in the lift. When people ask what you are doing, tell them you "won't ride an elevator that's not fung shwei."

33. Greet everyone getting on with a warm handshake and ask them to call you "Admiral".

34. Hum the first six notes of the "It's a small world" over and over again.

35. Have a heated debate with yourself.

36. Bring a melon onto the elevator. Try to sell it to the other passengers.

37. Drum on every available surface.

38. Write a big X on the elevator floor, and hand out "pirate" maps to everyone as they enter.

39. Give psychotherapy to the other passengers.

40. Greet everyone coming on as if they were your best friend. Use the same name for all of them.

41. Say "ring ring," then pull a banana out of your pocket and start talking into it.

42. Propose to the other passengers.

43. Challenge people to duels.

44. Sell girl scout cookies.

45. Bring a large pile of ice. Build an igloo on the floor.

46. Come on looking really scared, and say to another passenger..."I'm kinda nervous...this is my first time flying..."

47. Any time someone enters the doors, recoil in horror.

48. Stick your tongue out. Act like it's a cigarette, and ask someone for a lighter.

49. Pitch a tent on the floor, and "camp out" for the weekend.

50. Play "I've got your nose" with the other passengers.

51. Shout "Food fight!"

52. Every time someone else talks, angrily shout: "Some people are trying to sleep here!"

53. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to pull the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.

54. Lick one of the buttons. Tell the other passengers you're sick and tired of people stealing your food the second you turn your back.

55. Elevators were practically MADE for river dnce!

56. Bring a snowboard onto the elevator. Put it on. Every time the lift goes up or down, shout "WOO-YEAH! This is what I call sick air!"

57. Make sushi.

58. Shave.

59. Every time the elevator goes down, loudly scream "OH MY GOD!! We're all gonna die! This is it! This is it! It's over! IT'S OVER!!" Look relieved when it stops moving. When you begin to drop again, repeat.

60. Ask the other passengers if they want to see your glass clown collection.

61. Practice your kung fu.

62. Make race car noises when people get on and off.

63. Ask everyone on the elevator: "Are you my mother?"

64. Fly a model airplane.

65. Do yoga.

66. Play the accordion

67. Enter the elevator with nothing on your head. Individually ask everyone if they like your hat.

68. Bring a rocking chair. Sit and knit.

69. Recite gangsta rap lyrics in monotone.

70. Enter with a shovel, and attempt to "dig for treasure."

71. Read "Green Eggs and Ham" at the top of your lungs. Sound out every word.

OBITUARY FOR THE LATE MR. COMMON SENSE

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.

He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as: Knowing when to come in out of the rain; why the early bird gets the worm; Life isn't always fair; and Maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge). His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6 year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get Parental consent to administer Calpol, sun lotion or a band-aid to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason.

He is survived by his 3 stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, Someone Else Is To Blame, and I'm A Victim. Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.

Just a few ways to respond to annoying men and their ridiculous pick up lines...

Man: Haven't I seen you some place before?
Woman: Yes, and thats why I don't go there anymore

Man: Can I buy you a drink?
Woman: Actually I'd rather have the money.

Man: How did you get to be so beautiful?
Woman: I must have been given your share.

Man: Your face must turn a few heads.
Woman: And your face must turn a few stomachs.

Man: Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out.
Woman: Okay, get out.

Man: I think I could make you very happy.
Woman: Why? Are you leaving?

Man: What would you say if I asked you to marry me?
Woman: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time.

Man: Can I have your name?
Woman: Why? Don't you already have one?

Man: Want to see a movie?
Woman: I've already seen one.

Man: Where have you been all my life?
Woman: Hiding from you.

101 Ways To Annoy People

1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.

2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."

3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."

4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeep Bip..."

5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.

6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen. 7. Speak only in a "robot" voice.

8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.

9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub".

10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 98 copies.

11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.

12. Sniffle incessantly.

13. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.

14. Name your dog "Dog." 15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."

16. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."

17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training."

18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace".

19. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot."

20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with Lysol.

21. Practice making fax and modem noises.

22. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc:" them to your boss.

23. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

24. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.

25. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person."

26. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with the prophesy."

27. Wear a special hip holster for your
remote control.

28. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.

29. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.

30. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.

31. Give a play-by-play account of a persons every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice.

32. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.

33. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."

34. Drum on every available surface.

35. Staple papers in the middle of the page.

36. Ask 1-800 operators for dates.

37. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright warnings.

38. Sew anti-theft detector strips
into peoples backpacks.

39. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.

40. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.

41. Set alarms for random times.

42. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.

43. Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.

44. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.

45. Honk and wave to strangers.

46. Dress only in clothes colored Hunters Orange.

47. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.

48. Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.

49. Wear your pants backwards.

50. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.

51. Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"

52. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.

53. only type in lowercase.

54. dont use any punctuation either

55. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.

56. Pay for your dinner with pennies.

57. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.

58. Repeat everything someone says, as a question.

59. Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps.

60. Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/ O.J Simpson conspiracy theories.

61. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, its gone now."

62. Light road flares on a birthday cake.

63. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.

64. Leave tips in Bolivian currency.

65. Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador."

66. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.

67. When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained.

68. Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One."

69. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.

70. Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.

71. Pretend your computer's mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.

72. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.

73. Drive half a block.

74. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.

75. Ask people what gender they are.

76. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back.

77. Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern drawl.

78. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes".

79. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song.

80. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head. like a parakeet.

81. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.

82. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.

83. Change your name to "AaJohn Aaaaasmith" for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each "a."

84. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

85. Chew on pens that you've borrowed.

86. Wear a LOT of cologne.

87. Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing."

88. Sing along at the opera.

89. Mow your lawn with scissors.

90. At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!"

91. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend."

92. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.

93. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something
about "psychological profiles."

94. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture."

95. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.

96. Never make eye contact.

97. Never break eye contact.

98. Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.

99. Construct your own pretend "tricorder," and "scan" people with it, announcing the results.

100. Make appointments for the 31st of September.

101. Invite lots of people to other people's parties.