9/17/12 So people want to know me, for some odd reason. They wanna Know who I am, likes, dislikes, just me in general.

So...

Im gonna tell you who I am.

You can call me Eddy, lol smh. Thats what the wifey calls me, since well, sometimes I tend to emit some of his manuerisms. I hate that douche bag, and the only reason why I let her call me that is because she can. She's my women, shes my bae, so she can call me whatever she wants, except bitch.

Bitch is a no, no word.

Im a women, albiet a lost women, but im a women no less. Im 24, a Leo, and have no clue what the fuck I want in life.

And as you can see, no, Im not dead. Im very much alive, im just lazy as fuck. As you can also see, I have a bit of a potty mouth. Eh, im working on it.

Im from Ohio and very soon, in about four months, im going to be navy bound. Yup, the government officially owns my ass.

I wouldnt say I regret it, Just wish I would of really thought it through and realize what I have now.

Aint shit I can do about it now, so whateves.

Im a big kid at heart.

Video games and Toonami? I live for that shit. (Bring back the old Toonami!)

Lets see...

I am, well, Im me. I dont like labels...period. For some reason, people are just obsessed with labels. They ask me all the time, "what are you, stem, or whatever the fuck else labels there are. DONT catagorize me, I hate that shit with a passion. Im just me. Im a women who likes other women, and who likes men too. Im more attracted to women, but I do like men. If you really wanna get into though, im attracted to personality.

Smh, see? This is why I dont get down with all that labeling shit. Its just confusing and I dont feel like explaining what the hell I am.

Im a bit of a tom boy, always have been, always will be. I do dress "girly" too, its just not my normal attire. My girlfriend is kind of against me dressing girly, since she already has this vision in her head. We've agreed that I do, literally, wear the pants in the realtionship. I may wear the pants, but Id be lying if I said I run shit, cause she most definitely does.

She lucky I love her ass, otherwise Id be talking hella shit right now lol. Love you bae!

Speaking of my bae, I just recently met her in person for the first time after about 6 months and WOOOOO BOY! Smh, words cannot express the feeling of finally being able to hold, kiss, and make nasty dirty sexy love to the best thing in your life.

I gave myself to her for the first time (gasp, yes, I was a virgin up to about a month ago. Cant believe it right?) and it was honestly the best experience of my life. Hurt like hell, and I cried like a little bitch, but it was worth it. We spent a whole week together, but unfortunately, all good things must end. I had to return to Ohio and doing that, having to abruptly leave after all that, hurt like hell. Its the worst feeling in the world, having someone ripped away from you, so cried. For two days I cried.

LDR relationships are so hard, I wont lie. Theres times when conversation is dull, you'll get lonely, and it will eat at you. But at the end of the day, you just gotta ask yourself, is it worth it? Is she worth it?

And yes, yes she is worth it. She"s worth everything.

We've both put each other through alot of bs, me especially (Ive said and done some stupid shit) but no matter how much she drives me crazy, or how much I just wanna throw the phone and say fuck it, I DONT. I refuse to give up on this, no matter how hard it is. Im not letting go unless its truly what she wants. Unless she decides she cant do it anymore.

sigh, I hope that day never comes.

Anywho, hmm, what else?

Oh! I just recently came out to my family (not my whole family) and surprisingly, they took it well.

Well, my brothers reaction was kind of funny and random.

ME: welp, I just thought I tell you, since everyone else knows, that I have a girlfriend.

Brother:...wait what?

Me: I have a girlfriend..."

Brother:...wait, wait, wait... what?

Me: I said I have a girlfriend...

Brother:...hmm...well, how'd that happened?

Me: *screws up face*...um. I dont know...

Brother: Mmm, well...Sa pa se..."

Me: Man what?

Brother: *laughs* I dont know. I dont love you anyless. Still my little sis and I love you regardless.

So yeah, it was pretty random and weird, wouldnt expect anything less from my bro. He's random like that. Like, we could be talking and he'll just randomly break dance or say some weird shit. Weird but funny.

Now, down to business. As far as updating is concened, I will update. I havent abandoned this completely, just been a lazy little fucker. The first thing I will update is my Leah/Rose story then we'll see what happens from there.

5/30/12

Smh, puss, smgdh. What the fuck are you doing, getting yourself into? You just dont learn, do you? You told yourself, promise you wouldnt go there again, but what do you? You just keep on sliding deeper down that rabbit hole.

You know and recognize the feeling she invokes in you, and you push and pull away from it, cause you know what you want...but then you dont.

You love her and it confuses you, cause you know what happen before. You been in this same situtaion

And...

As if the first time, the first hurt wasnt enough, you just keep coming back for more. You cant help it though, right? You cant help the way she makes you feel everytime she says the simplest words. You cant help how your stomach flips whenever she says your name, or entices you with words, naughty words. No, you cant help it, and it scares you. It scares you cause you've felt it before, not too long ago. Its scares you cause you remember the pain of that feeling. The pain of love, and you try so hard; You really do, but you're falling hard, and so very fast.

But...

What really scares you the most is how similar she is to other one, the one that hurt you. Made you not even want to wake up, but you know better. You know shes not like her.

You think to yourself, "Maybe I should just take a chance?" Maybe you should just let her wipe away all traces of your past. Let her make new mermories.

2/15/12

When love is the problem, nothing can solve it, not even death. You never really know what it truly means to be alive, until you take your last breath.

I know that now.

So...

Live and let die. Or in other words, move on and lay a dead dog to rest. Thats my new motto and new years resolution.

And its new fucking year, puss! Stop dying, stop crying, and just breathe. Breathe in life, breathe in happiness.

Show me how stong you are.

Let go of your dissapointments. Let go of your fears, your darkness, and your pain.

Time heals all, so...

So, lets go back to how we were, how we used to be; happy, bright and willing to love. Willing to care.

I care. I care too much actually, about others. About how they feel, what they think, which is why I also like to pretend.

And by pretend I mean, in the sense that...im not who I am, or who I want to be...

Free...

I want to be free. I want to be free to be who I am..but

But im scared.

Do you know what its like to lose everything? To physically be cut off from the love, from your family, just because you're "different"? Because your preferences are "different"?

No?

Me either.

Ive never been on the recieving end of such pain, but someone close in my family has. My cousin, Sham. My family shunned her because shes bisexual. The only contact she has is from me and my bilogical mom(she doesnt care, she loves us regardless, which is why she and Sham are the only two people( in my family) who know that im bisexual.)

And well, me, im just a coward. I cant come out, fully anyway. Though I have told my real mom, im still just too scared to deal with the real consequence.

I wish I was like Sham. Shes everythingthing to me. My bestfriend, my sister, everything.

But at the same time..

You see, I come from a very religious background, a christian background.

And what do they believe? What is said in the bible?

Well in plain text, loving the same sex is sinful.

Alot of things are sinful...

Believe it or not.

I believe, regardless of the fact that I do participate in these sins. I believe and Sham believes they are sinful.

In fact, though I know alot of you think differently, I know it is.

And thats fine, that you all have your opinions on religion; sin, god, heaven, hell and all that jazz...that fine that you have you're own beliefs, cause I have my own too.

I believe in Jesus. I believe in God. I belive in heaven and I believe in hell.

Hell.

Oh, smh I can go on and on about hell. The things that dwell down there. The pain, the darkness, and just no sense of mercy.

Again, you never truly know what it means to be alive until you take your last breath.

Oh and time? Smh you're very aware of time.

Very aware.

Do you know what happens when you find yourself in a tub, filled to the rim with water, and your lying there, with the pain of the world, the heart ache, right there, gliding straight down your arm, puncturing the skin? The vein?

Do you know what happens when your laying there, in and out of consiousness, counting down the seconds, thinking and realizing each second gone, is the same second they, the people who love you, could of used to save you?

Do you know what happens when finally, you shed your last tear, close your eyes and let the darkness consume you?

I do. I know it oh so well.

You get this sense of weighlessness. And then you feel warm, you feel happy, like your being cradled by the sun.

But then

Then, it all fanishes. That warmth. That joy you felt.

Then you start to feel whispers. Dark whispers. The darkest kind there is.

But its not the whispers that make you shiver in fear. Its the screams. The pleas of mercy.

Its the lack of mercy, and the lack of any and all forms of love that brings the true fear.

And then well, to be subtle about it, you get your end of the raw deal.

The pain.

The endless pain.

But each pain is different.

Depending on what you did, or did not do during your life. What you did that wasnt "rightous" in the eyes of god.

And what did I do?

Well, I tried and succeeded in murking myself.

And you want to know what I got? Among other things, extremely painful things, I was forced to see how the rest of my life WOULD have played out if I stayed. If I lived. I had to watch this over and over.

My accomplishments. My family, smh my kids.

My beautiful kids and grand kids.

That is the most painful thing to bare. Watching what could of been.

It feels like days, this torture, this pain, but in actuality its only minutes.

27 minutes to be exact. I was dead for 27 minutes before, by some miracle I was brought back.

Doctors said I should of had brain damage, but I dont.

Im still me. Happy, sad and extremely disturb puss/ninja.

Its been about about six months since, and I still live with that. The nightmares, the whispers, everything.

You live with it for a purpose.

And ive been trying to serve that purpose, but ive been falling short, giving in...cause its hard.

Its hard because I know what I have to do. I know what I have to let go, and im not ready.

Will I ever be? I dont know.

All I know is that, right now, I want to pretend.

Pretending...

Pretending is something Im very good at. I loved pretending I was happy, laughing behind my true pain.

The disgust of not being honest with myself. Boy did/do I love to pretend.

And what better way to pretend then on here? On fanfiction, where you can be anything you want. Live the way you want without being shunned or worry about the disappointments.

Thats why im here. Thats why I write. To get away. To be this person I want to be, but know that I shouldnt really be?

Does that make me a hypocrite? Probably..

I dont know.

I just want to be normal. Happy. Me.

So until im ready to let go, to reborn again, this is what im going to be.

Me.

I would apologize for if I offended, but im not and I wont.

This is me. This is how and what I think and know.

If you dont like it. If you dont like my truth, then dont fuck with me.

Point blank.

Im not here trying to have freaking religious warfare over here. This is just me, venting, telling you how I think. Telling you how I feel.

Again, if you dont like it or agree then sail on.

Im gonna be a free bird, no chains, and the only person im living for and will change for is me.

When I feel like im ready to TRULLY be myself, regardless of the what will happen then, then I will be.

Im just me. A lost 23 year old girl, trying to find her way, her path. But its not so bad, cause I have Sham. Cause I have Justin. Cause I have mom and Izzy. Oh, and lets not forget Phfina, lol.

If you're reading this, Phfina, lets make a deal. Lets try to be happy. Lets try to live and save a life, like, you saved mine.

Smh.

I love you guys. You have no clue just how much.

On a lighter note...

A bit about me. The me now, as in this moment...

Favorite food: Junk food all the way, baby!

I love music, no matter what kind.

Currently listening To:

-Jefferson Airplane

-Starsailor

-Teriyaki Boys

-Grizzly Bear

-Arcade Fire

-Nirvana

-MGNT

-Nujabes

-Metaphor the great

-My Chemical Romance

-Radio Head

-Fiona Apple

-Linkin Park

-Utada Hikaru

-Placebo

-Coldplay( Got Fix You on repeat right now. Smh, definitely hitting home at the moment)

-Unkle-lonely soul

-Frou Frou

-Silversun Pickups

You get the point- I dont think people should limit themselves to one type of music, its all great!

- Lets see...well a random fact: I love me a spanish women. I love everything about em. Their voice, their curves, their color, everything. Their my one weakness, I goes crazy for a me some spanish. So s/o to all the lovely spanish flowers out here. Yall hold a special place in my heart;)

I love to play videos games, its my guilty pleasure.

-Final Fantasy franchise

-Streetfighter franchise

-Soul Calibur franchise

-Dead or Alive franchise

-Kingdom Hearts franchise

-God of War franchise

-Rock band

-Call of duty franchise

-Mass Effect1/2

And a bunch of other games I dont feel like writing down

- Favorite insults.

-cock juggling thundercunt

-twatknocker

-d*kdiver

-d*kmuncher

-d*kbandit-

-gorrillad*kmangler

-d*ksmocker

-grandmas hairy snatch-muncher

-cuntmuffler

-cunt-tosser

-ballmangler

And alot of other potty mouth slang I cant remember.

I like to draw and I also LOVE anime- I just like Japan/japanese things in general, especially the women-freakin Hot!

-Im a real chill type of person, very passive, easy to get along with, shamefully romantic, awkward, shy, funny/crazy,but I hate talking about my feelings.(could of fooled me, right? Lol) Dont know why, but it just makes me feel weak and just mushy inside.

I love to laugh, even in dead serious situation. I dont know why, but I do...guess Im not really a serious person.

-I do alot of weird stuff with my brothers and sisters for pure comedy and entertainment. For example, last Thanksgiving they dared me to pretty much fist f* the mashpotatoes in front of grandma and make obscene noises, which I did and lets just say that grandma needed to get some oxygen in her system. Or when I went into a grocery store to get some gravy for the turkey, and I found out they didnt have any more, so I pretty much lost it. I had been standing in that god forsaken line for 30 minutes, hot as hell, and they tell me they're out of gravy-Hell No! I might have taken it a little too far by screaming down the aisle and knocking over stuff, but it was kind of funny, and I felt bad after wards.

My siblings, friends, and even myself like to do the sickest things to our food for humor, we molest it, kind of like we're havin sex with it, but with our mouths. We also do this thing where we mush around different types of food, mainly pasta, and it makes this really nasty sound; sounds like a really wet Vag.

So yeah, Im pretty twisted in the head, but it makes up my humor I guess.