I'm the girl at school who's surrounded by friends but isn't really popular. The girl who can sometimes be a total social butterfly or a loner. The girl who is always listening to music and yet hears every word you say. The girl who's never had a crush, whose entire life is surrounded by books. The girl who read Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix when she was five. The girl who's a total nerd, and is proud of it.

So, you've come to my profile. Welcome. Itching to ask me a question? Then PM me and we'll have a nice little conversation. :)

Cezariaz: suh-zay-ree-ehz

Cez: sehz

There are two amazing groups I'm part of (and they have websites, too). Remember this: Veritate Sto, and Beware the Madrigals.

an apology

Last year, I joined an online group called the Veritas. At the time, it seemed like a good idea - it wasn’t like anyone could ever trace me to them. Besides, I saw how everyone feared and respected them, and I wanted to be like that too.

They slowly took over my life. In the morning, the first thing I did was check the forums, and school was just a place to pass time 'till I could get home to the internet. For me, the internet became my home.

I guess I got what I wanted. I was accepted on the forums and feared on the fandom. And for a while, I relished that power; the feeling of being feared was intoxicating, and, I’ll admit, I missed the times where everyone in school obeyed my every whim.

So I flamed. I put down people and their stories. I insulted people I didn’t even know. Something inside me changed, and it was noticeable. But I had people to laugh with, people whom I could laugh at others with, and so I didn’t stop.

There’s not a day I don’t regret that.

In august, I took a break from the internet to revise for my exams. I kept my PSP out of sight, so I wouldn’t be tempted to access the internet. I locked the door so I wouldn’t step out to the computers.

During that time, I realised just how mean I had been. I'd hurt people I’d never even met. I’d claimed to be helping, but in reality, all I'd done was tear down their dreams.

When I returned, I was different. I stopped flaming; I was hardly ever on the forums anymore. I created an alternate account, for the optimistic side of me. I signed everything off with two simple words - keep dreaming. I was sorry about the dreams I had ruined; I was hoping that people would come across my account and have their hope restored in them.

To anyone I’ve ever hurt, I’m sorry. I’m so, so, sorry. there’s nothing I can ever do to make up for the hurt I’ve caused, but I hope that, at least, you can accept my apology.

I don’t regret meeting the Veritas, because they’re true friends, but I just wish I hadn’t been so blinded by the promise of power. I wish I hadn’t flamed. and I promise, I’ll never do that again.

Keep dreaming,

~Cez