Aloha, people. What's crackalackin'?

I’m real. Hope you are too. If you’re not, message me! I think it would be pretty cool to be messaged by someone who doesn’t exist. I've had a massive blitz recently and cleaned out all my old, crappy stories, which is why there aren't many on here.

In case you were curious - and you probably weren't - my name is not actually Alice, I'm 15 years old, I live in South London, and I get obsessed with things. That's my living, really. I'm obsessed with Noel Fielding. I'm obsessed with Sherlock. I'm obsessed with clothes. I’m obsessed with chocolate. And Florence Welch. And other things.

Stuff about me, stuff about me…

Um...I'm a feminist. This doesn't mean I want to castrate every man I see. My natural hair colour is mousy, though it hasn’t been that colour for a while now - it changes a lot. I like to write, but I don’t have the dedication to be a writer; I like to draw, but I don’t have the talent to be an artist; I like to dance around in a sparkly leotard and throw oranges at the ceiling, but you can’t make a living out of that, really. Unless you happen to be Lady Gaga, and I don’t. I'm insecure, neurotic, and terrified of insulting people. I've been called arrogant. Also posh. I don't believe that either of these are true, which is either self-honesty or a massive case of denial. I put song lyrics or quotes at the beginning of my stories, but never anywhere else. In a previous life I was a one-armed Siberian shaman.

I like people with dark eyes, with berets too. I like candy hearts. I like people with big eyebrows. I like water caught in spiderwebs. I like paper. I like red shoes. I like leather, the shiny kind. I like the word ecumenically...whatever it means. I like gold sequins. I like flared skirts, and vintage dresses. I like love. I like it when a scene fades until the lights bubble out and the only thing you can see are those glowing bubbles and then they fade too.

Occasionally, I pretend to myself that I'm a genius. This is, sadly, quite untrue (as evidenced by my IQ test, exam scores and complete failure to guess the endings of crime novels), but it's fun to imagine. It makes you feel confident in nervous situations, and it also gives you the ability to look the length of your nose at people who annoy you. Basically, I’ve learned I don’t know anything. Have also learned that people will pay for what I know. Life is good. x

Links

fictionpress: http://www.fictionpress.com/AlicetheStrange
twitter: http://twitter.com/#!/AliceStrangeway
deviantart: http://alice-strangeway.deviantart.com/
tumblr: http://alicestrangeway.tumblr.com/

Fandoms:

Glee. The Mighty Boosh. Pirates of the Caribbean. Merlin. Sweeney Todd. Good Omens. Lord of the Rings. Harry Potter. Alice in Wonderland (2010 version). Monsters Inc. Doctor Who. Oliver Twist. IT Crowd. Sherlock.

Top 11 biggest Fanfiction peeves. Why 11? As the NostalgiaCritic says, I like to go one step beyond. You might not agree with me, but it's my opinion and I'm sticking with it.

1) Eyes are not orbs, they are eyes. What is wrong with saying "eyes"? Can't you spell the word correctly? Don't go overboard trying to use descriptive words that just sound stupid. I'm talking to you, Miss Sue of the Azure Seabed Gaze. Alternatively, try not to use hackneyed phrases in attempting to convey something, such as "love at first sight", "white as snow", and running like the wind".

2) When a very emotionally reticient character goes overboard and suddenly starts telling another random character, "Yes, it's true! I was abused as a child and my daddy hated me and I'm misunderstood by society and all along I just wanted to be loved! Give me a hug! I SAID GIMME!" No. Just...no.

3) Mary Sues. OCs are okay, if they're well written, but not the perfect cheerleader ones with the flowing golden hair, tiger eyes and ability to shoot melons out of their fingernails or whatever. I'm guilty of a couple of these myself as a Fanfiction newcomer, but I wised up and deleted them.

4) ThepairingnamesohmygodthepairingnamesIhatethem. *breathes* If a fanfiction is Draco/Hermione or Connor/Abby then just SAY THAT. "Dramione" or "Conby" just sound *ridiculous*. I realise I may be alone in this, but I dunno...it just...pisses me off. Sorry.

5) Grammar. I don't mean the occasional mistake (come on, I can deal with that) and I've even read some good fanfiction that has mild but consistent grammar errors. No, I mean fanfiction that is, from top to bottom, a BLOCK of spelling mistakes, textspeak, irrelevant author's notes, and OOC-ness. If you can't be bothered to edit it, don't post it. I accept that some people have trouble with this stuff (I'm dyspraxic myself) but you can always get a beta reader.

6) Heavy use of Japanese words, pronouns and honorifics is, to be frank, really annoying. Even if the fic is based on an anime, that doesn't automatically give you carte blanche to use 'em everywhere - especially if you're using it wrong to begin with.

7) Characters saying "gods". I...I don't know why. I just hate it. It jangles my nerve endings There's no reason to say it, unless you're from Ancient Greece or something. And no, "I say gods so my characters should say it too" is not a good enough reason. Also, excessive swearing. Contrary to popular belief, adults swear less than kids do - they don't need to say "fucking" or "shit" three times per sentence. In context it's okay. But some things...too much.

8) Miused homophones. No, not homophobes, although they shouldn't be misused either, I guess.

READ THESE. IT IS NOT DIFFICULT.

their vs. there vs. they're
whose vs. who's
to vs. too vs. two
fainted vs. feinted
taut vs. taught
discreet vs. discrete
it's vs. its (thank you, Lemony Snicket)
sing vs. singe

There, that's not too hard, now is it?

9) Overuse of song lyrics. Don't get me wrong; quoting a song in your story is not a crime, and used at the opening of the story they can set the scene nicely, but nine times out of ten, your story would be stronger without the lyrics. Using lyrics to do all the work of evoking a mood or emotion is a careless and untrustworthy shorthand. You're assuming that your reader will a) remember the song from the lyrics alone, b) know the song, and c) have the same emotional response to the song that you did. That's way too many assumptions. I admit I have a tendency to use song lyrics/poetry quotations at the beginnings of my stories - this is because for me, the songs I listen to while writing influence the outcome of the story very strongly. Nevertheless, it's a habit I'm trying to erase.

10) Okay, now onto the final part: slash. Let's face it, slash makes up for about 70% of stories on Fanfiction, and there's not much point complaining about it. I read it, and enjoy it, as do a lot of people. I don't write it because my mom knows about this account, and because I probably don't have the skill to do it accurately. For opinions on why it's so popular, visit http://www.trickster.org/symposium/symp164.htm - I found it quite enlightening. However, to get back to my main point: what I don't like is when two characters, who have up till now been solidly heterosexual, with no hints as to otherwise, suddenly start kissing. It just clashes with me. It's out-of-character (another pet peeve). With these kinds of topics you should allow for a certain amount of denial, acceptance and character development. In regards to shows like the Mighty Boosh (just to throw up one example) it's practically canon, so you don't have to worry about being too realistic. But if you're trying to bring together two characters who have previously had no romantic involvement, you should be careful. For this reason, I'm happy with slash so long as it's portrayed sensitively and accurately.

...Okay, rant over. :)

So anyway, the point I'm trying to make is, my writing's not perfect. It's a long way from perfect. But I do try. This is just my personal opinion and I'm not looking to offend anyone. Right? Good. *puts on fedora and exits pursued by a bear*

*peeks round corner, still wearing hat*
Are you still there?
Get out there and write.
You heard me. Go on. Shoo.

alice the strange x