Author has written 1 story for Harry Potter.

Betsy: I'm an abstainer!
Al: She prefers to abstain.
Betsy: How about a night on the town of abstaining?
Al: Squeeeeeee!
Betsy: Aaaaaaachooooo!
Al: So, I hear you know a lot about English...
Betsy: Ooooooouch!
Al: Ya know, Betsy, smokeless tobacca is like tobacca - without the smoke!
Betsy: I would like some tar-tar sauce! TAR-TAR!
Al: Don't move, or the telephone gets it! I mean it!
Betsy: Oh, Snape! The way you whip your head around reminds me of that sexy Michael Jackson! Billie Jean is not my lover! She's just a girl who thinks that...IIIII am the one!
Al: Betsy is crazy. She marries our peanut-butter and jelly sandwiches and tries to have wars with our pencils and erasers. We used to be in Health with Harky and it was way fun!
Betsy: I'll plumb the flu right out of that baby!
Al: Robert Frost? Who? What is this crap?
Betsy: Uh...Al? I think we have an audience...*points to YOU, reader*
Al: Oh! Uh...heh heh...hello there!
Betsy: Don't worry, folks! Both of us are completely sane! Ya just gotta get to know us!
Al: That's right!
Betsy: So...where to begin?
Al: I know! Who needs to get married, Betsy? Shall we name them off?
Betsy: You read my mind! *drags out big diagram*
Al: *whips out a pointer and whacks it sharply on the board* First and foremost - the one and only HERMIONE GRANGER AND RON WEASLEY!
(WILD APPLAUSE)
Betsy: *steals the pointer and grins evilly* NEXT! HARRY POTTER AND GINNY WEASLEY (we hope Ron can keep his overprotective brotherly side in check - after all, we wouldn't want him to beat up his best friend, would we?)
Al: (*grins evilly* we certainly wouldn't...bwa hahahahaha!)
Betsy: Al! Have you forgotten I like Harry?!
Al: Oh yea...
Betsy: Anyway, another couple...FLEUR DELACOUR AND BILL WEASLEY!
Al: ANGELINA JOHNSON AND FRED WEASLEY! (those Weasleys are falling in love all over the place!)
Al: ALBUS DUMBLEDORE AND POPPY POMFREY!
Betsy: ME AND SEAN BIGGERSTAFF!
Al: ME AND RUPERT GRINT!
Betsy: HAN AND LEIA!
Al: ME AND DAVID DUCHOVNEY!
Betsy: ME AND HUGH JACKMAN!
Al: MULDER AND SCULLY!
Betsy: ME AND HUGH GRANT!
Al: EVELYN AND RICK!
Betsy: ME AND PRINCE WILLIAM!
Al: DANIELLE AND HENRY DEBARBARAC! (yes, we're aware that is spelled wrong, thank you!)
Betsy: ME AND JONATHAN CARNAHAN!
Al: ALLISON REED AND IRA CAINE!
Betsy: THOSE TWO ENGLISH TEACHERS THAT WILL REMAIN NAMELESS! (*nudges Al* know who I'm talking about, Al? Huh? Huh?)
Al: *wipes brow* whew! That's a lot of people!
Betsy: You betcha!

Things Harry Potter characters would never say:
Dumbledore: How the hell should I know?
Sirius: I was actually thrown out of Azkaban for trying to hump one of the guard's legs.
Hedwig: It's not an affectionate nip! I'm trying to bit your finger off you bastard!
Voldemort: Where the heck are my fluffy bunny slippers?!
Snape: Oh, I just borrowed them, My Lord.
Sirius: I'm so sick of you Harry. Why can't you just go and die like a nice little boy?
Lucius: Son, I had my doubts, but now that you've put out the effort to learn how to knit, I know you are worthy of the Malfoy name!
Wormtail: Screw the Dark Lord. Screw Harry. I never wanted this job anyhow. I wanted to be...A LUMBERJACK!
Olivander: Ah, yes... thirteen inches, cedar and dragon heartstring, rather flexib-- HEY! DON'T POINT THAT THING IN MY FACE!
And now for a little musical moment-
"Oat bag, I get my Oat bag now, Oat bag time for meeee!"

Thank you, thank you! And goodnight!...We'll be here all week!