Name: I'm Rick James Bitch!! .
Age: OVER 9000!!
Height: 5'10...i think??
Sad but that's all i can think off right now
Top Ten Naruto Pairings
2. NarutoxKushina (giggidy Al-right!!)/ NarutoxFem.Kyu
3. NarutoxAnko/ NarutoxTsunami/ NarutoxTsume
5. NarutoxHinata/ NarutoxFem.Haku
7. NarutoxTayuya/ NarutoxHana
9. NarutoxIsaribi/ NarutoxShion
10. NarutoxSakura or Ino(I think it's the pink hair)
1. When kisame and itachi go to try and capture Naruto in tazuna-gai, samehada starts to act weird. When kisame tries to skin Naruto's legs off samehada becomes dull and jumps out of kisame's hands and into Naruto's. When Naruto holds samehada he gets a new kenjutsu style (Striking Ocean, Hidden Shark) downloaded into his head which helps him fight itachi and kisame till jiraiya arrives after they run away Naruto faints but samehada has yet to leave his side. (Hahahaha i thought the kenjutsu style sounded hilarious when i thought of it, so sorry )
2. Story where naruko(Naruto sexy jutsu)is sent into the Naruto-verse after screwing up on some seals, and meets Naruto. She pops up before the chunin exam finals(when kakashi hands him off to ebisu, i just thought that was wrong) and quickly befriends naruto and helps him get stronger...after a while they start falling for each other since in her dimension she never loved anyone like that(Now that's what i call loving yourself ). After she gets Naruto stronger she tells him about their parents and what not and tells him how he will need more girls to revive his clan(Go Harem). She also tells him about her kyuubi being a girl and tells him to find out about his kyuubi too xD.(which turns out is a girl too twins ahahawhole dimensional thing doesn't affect demons and what not)so with his little band of misfits Naruto sets out to become better than anyone ever hoped he'd be with literally three nine tailed demons at his disposal(naruko is older than him has control over her demon and she is beyond kage level since in her dimension all the shit that would happen in the Naruto-verse already happened to her. With her being the nanadaime for a while before giving the tittle to her little brother figure/rival konohamaru).
3. During the sealing the shinigami doesn't believe that the fourth wish for Naruto to be seen as a hero will be upheld. So he/she gives Naruto a fearsome bloodline that will have the elemental nations quivering in their feet literally(Naruto's bloodline will be like hyoton so he can use ice jutsus but to keep him save the shinigami made it were its always on as a self defense mechanism. So if you do not hold any ill intentions towards Naruto you can get near him and just feel a little cold...but if you are trying to harm him the temperature around him will drop waaay below freezing...and you get the idea same if you throw something harmful at him i.e a kunai it will freeze and shatter before reaching him). So because of this Naruto will live a lonely live till he can control his powers but the defense mechanism will always remain.
4. Minato uses a different seal that seals him and kushina inside Naruto. Now Naruto has his parent in his mind. Because of people trying to kill Naruto kyuubi makes his parents a bloodline; So when Naruto is in danger he transform into the yondaime or kushina to fight whomever is trying to harm their child(when he transforms they actually take over his body and can use the skills they had when they were alive). Change 123 tribute ahahaha
5. After learning to use his chakra Naruto reads about how jiraiya a famous ninja of konoha can use his hair to do ninjutsus and tries to make his own.(So he experiments with different ways to control his chakra and in the end shows his ingenious ways of thinking on his feet and makes different jutsus that focus on his hair i.e making his hair turn into fist)(which hits harder than tsunade,firing needles like jiraiya,a hair shield like jiraiya and other crazy ways to use his hair)His hair is harder than ninja-wire when he focuses his chakra to it to use his ninjutsu
6. Anko has no luck with men in konoha because of her sensei. So after being at the end of her ropes she decides to "make her own boyfriend" so when she finds a young Naruto after another beating her choice is made, now Naruto has a girlfriend that will train him to be the best as a shinobi and as a lover _. (This one i actually read from ff.net the author has a bunch of "what ifs..." scenarios, and that's one of them, now that i think about it the fic is called what if...ugh i can't find it right now -_-.
7. After a brutal beating Naruto finally breaks and develops multiple personalities (He will use them for battle and what not like beserker mode assassin mode batshit crazy mode and so on). This one i had for a while, then i read "Laughter of the broken" and it's kinda of similar, except with his clones. http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6177274/1/bLaughter_b_of_the_bBroken_b You rock Danasca, just wish you'd update =3.
8. Young Naruto sees shino getting picked on because of his bugs and he helps him. They then become friends since Naruto thinks having bugs fighting for you is cool;and the Aburames knowing about wat he carries. He then starts to develop his own hive but he quickly finds out he is no Aburame,and doesn't know what the hell to do. So he gets the insane idea of making bugs out of chakra to try and get the same effects as Aburame bugs...which leads to him creating a terrifying technique.(he starts with bugs then moves onto other chakra animals). So yea a lot of people going to bitch that, that isn't possible, I'd just like to remind those people that this is "fan-fiction" and anything is possible =3. (Maybe have him ask around about yoroi's chakra sucking technique so he can create the same effect?) "The sky is the limit people" =3 Go wild!!
9. Young Naruto finds a bingo book and he reads up on missing nins. While reading he finds Deidara's page, and finds out about how he fights. After that our loveable young prankster sets out to follow in Deidara's footsteps(exploding techniques un.). But since he still in the academy and doesn't know anything explosive, he first gets into exploding tags. So during the scroll event he learns shadow clones along with clone great explosion his already "real transformation" technique to give him flight and we got one bad ass imposter.He will recreate other missing nin techniques that he thinks are cool before and after the scroll event.
10. Young Naruto ends up in the forest of death after being chased by a mob.There he meets an injured "yuki onna" and helps her, even though he himself isn't looking so hot(ahaha no pun intended). After she gets better, she see how much of a pure soul he is even though his life is a literal hell; She then tells him that she will be his guardian/teacher.From there on Naruto starts learning from a mystical creature that can put any hyoton user to shame;and so begins the legend of "Naruto The Icy Maelstrom".(the yuki onna can change into a sentient sword).
11. Widdle(Had to switch it up a little, everything was starting " young Naruto...") Naruto while hiding sees some kids snapping their fingers and thinks its fun(you think of something else i couldn't, but it's believable if it's like four year old Naru Xd). When he tries it he swears he saw a small spark;after a couple more tries he is sure he can make fire by snapping his fingers and so is born "Naruto The Fire Starter".(Naruto with Mustang's powers, but not alchemy rather a fire based bloodline because of kyuubi). Snap Yo Fingers!!
12. Young Naruto sees how anko and other hot women get a lot of attention. So he tries to make himself look better, so people will look at him; and in doing so starts on the road that will create konoha's biggest seductress(I think that's the female version XD seductor?)...First target Anko_ ( I don't know i just pictured a male version of anko and kurenai mixed into one?) "Ladies won't know what hit them" Plus i mean seduction is a ninja skill yet only girls use it? Sexist much? XD. Plenty of women in power out there...
13. When the kyuubi is sealed in Naruto, Naruto gets an auto defense that opened a rip in the fabric of time and space and sends chains that drag those who wish to harm him into hell(go space time ninjutsu).(The chains fire real quick and once they got you,you can't use chakra so anyone below S-rank or speed based ninjas have no chance to get away from it).
14.Months before Naruto is born kushina saves a bird that is hurt. This is when that damnable uzumaki luck kicks in. Turns out the bird is actually a young phoenix. So afterwards kushina meets the boss of the legendary phoenix summon clan; which happens to be the father of the bird she saved. After they talk she tells him how uneasy she feels about the whole pregnancy thing. What with being a jinchuriki and all; and how so many things can go wrong. Seeing as she doesn't want to leave her naru-chan unprotected the phoenix boss tells her that he will give Naruto his blessing, making Naruto into an immortal phoenix that raises from his ashes.(He has elders like the toads that told him of the child of prophesy the "fiery maelstrom" that will either save the world or "burn it to the ground"). After that kushina leaves with peace in mind and tells no one of her encounter. Then everything goes cannon (kyu attacks and gets sealed in Naruto. Better if you go with Madara controlling "her" and her being on friendly terms with kushina). Naruto will be born immortal. When people try to kill him because of kyuubi he blows up in well... a maelstrom of fire and takes everyone around him out. Then he is reborn as if nothing happened a few seconds later.(No one will actually succeed in killing him till he is like eight. When they will learn what happens when you try to kill him. This will also free kyu who will take "her" human form to teach and protect him, she doesn't die from him blowing up since they are linked at the soul. When he gets older he will learn how to control were he gets reborn so he doesn't just appear right in front of the enemy. If someone takes anything from him(blood,hair,etc...) without his consent it burst into fire seconds afterwards, same with injecting poisons or other un-welcomed substances into him they just burn until they become harmless in his bloodstream.(when he is a baby kyu will be the one giving the consent on what goes into him and gets taken from him. As his powers grow so does the blast radius that his "death" creates. So after adulthood people who fight him can't really go for kill shots(he could blow up the world). For the sake of the story lets say that adulthood for a phoenix is a thousand human years.(This can also be used as motivation for him to get stronger with the looming threat that if he were to well "die" he would kill everyone in the planet; if that isn't a good reason to get stronger then i don't know what is...(some "oc" cults can try and kill him in order to destroy the world and what not if you want to drift from canon or do something before cannon). Have kyu tell him of this before she starts training him.Maybe have him become a phoenix sage later on or he can become a toad sage doesn't matter he will be able to summon phoenixes without signing the contract as they are his family. Kyu will teach him demonic and shinobi arts. After he has his fun in the elemental nations(kicks ass and take names, has family watch them grow strong and powerful and keep his believes then he will travel to different dimensions yay x-overs but only one at a time rather than twenty in one story.Also have his mates be turned immortal go mate marks XDso when everything is said and done he can go have his adventures and maybe take one of his girls while the others go do their own thing, you know conquer a world,kill some baddies what ever floats their boat. The girls misadventures can be shown in omakes or separate fic, but that wont happen till the elemental story is done.) I don't know how i came up with this one, but it's the one i like the most of my challenges.
15. (Naruto of the Invisible Clan) Naruto gets a bloodline after a major beating, it activates and the shinobi world will never see it coming. His bloodline allows him to become invisible after he masters it he will be able to make his charka invisible allowing him to become truly invisible plus allowing him to fire invisible jutsus which you will never see coming. I think i thought of this one after watching the invisible man series XD.
16. When tsunade bets with Naruto about mastering the rasengan in one week; Naruto ups the stakes by saying that if he does master it tsunade will be his sex slave forever. Still being drunk and thinking there was just no way for her to lose she accepts... (XD sorry just had to put that one out there my fan boy-ism demands it >=])
As you can see, i obviously have a thing for overpowered Naruto and i love me some harem =3
Random stuff i copied from other profiles =3
Not Racist But I Thought This Was Hilarious
1 - THAT'S NOT RIGHT...Sum Ting Wong
2 - ARE YOU HARBORING A FUGITIVE...Wai Yu Hai Ding
3 - SEE ME ASAP...Kum Hia
4 - STUPID MAN...Dum Fuk
5 - SMALL HORSE...Tai Ni Po Ni
6 - DID YOU GO TO THE BEACH...Wai Yu So Tan
7 - I BUMPED THE COFFEE TABLE...Ai Bang Mai Fa King Ni
8 - I THINK YOU NEED A FACE LIFT...Chin Tu Fat
9 - IT'S VERY DARK IN HERE...Wai So Dim
10 - I THOUGHT YOU WERE ON A DIET...Wai Yu Mun Ching
11 - THIS IS A TOW AWAY ZONE...No Pah King
12 - OUR MEETING IS SCHEDULED FOR NEXT WEEK...Wai Yu Kum Now
13 - STAYING OUT OF SIGHT...Lei Ying Lo
14 - HE'S CLEANING HIS AUTOMOBILE...Wa Shing Ka
15 - YOUR BODY ODOR IS OFFENSIVE...Yu Stin Ki Pu
16 - GREAT!...Fa King Su Pa
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
A newlywed couple moves into their new house. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?" The husband says, "What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?" A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, the car won't start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?" He says: "What do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?" Another few days go by, and it's raining pretty hard. The wife finds a leak in the roof. She says, "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?" He says, "What do I look like, Bob Vila?" The next day the husband comes home, and the roof is fixed. So is the plumbing. So is the car. He asks his wife what happened. "Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them," she says. "Great! How much is that going to cost me?" he snarls. Wife says: "Nothing. He said he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him." "Uh, well, what kind of cake did you make?" asks the husband. "What do I look like," she says, "Betty Crocker?"
"I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my gas with the beat of the music. After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee, and noticed that everybody was staring at me...
... then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod."
Hey b*tch my d*ck is so big it reaches from a-z on the keyboard AHAHAHAHAHAA...wait o.o
teacher ask lil johny,which body part goes to Heaven first
Whats the difference between jam and jelly….
you can't jelly your dick down a girls throat
"Legen...Wait for it...DARY!!"
Whats the difference between penutbutter and jam...
I can’t peanut butter my dick up your ass.
What the difference between a wife and a job...
After ten years a job still "sucks"
OBITUARY FOR THE LATE MR. COMMON SENSE:
Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.
He will be remembered for having cultivated such valuable lessons as: knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm, life isn't always fair, and maybe it was my fault.
Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge). His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate, teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch, and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student only worsened his condition.
Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer Calpol, sun lotion, or a band-aid to a student, but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.
Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband, churches became businesses, and criminals received better treatment than their victims.
Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.
Common Sense finally gave up the will to live after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.
Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents Truth and Trust, his wife Discretion, his daughter Responsibility, and his son Reason.
He is survived by his 3 stepbrothers I Know My Rights, Someone Else Is To Blame, and I'm A Victim. Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.
16 THINGS TO DO AT WAL-MART
1. Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they aren't looking.
15 WAYS TO DRIVE PEOPLE INSANE:
1) At lunchtime, sit in your parked car w/sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
2) Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
3) Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
4) In the memo field of all your checks, write "FOR SEXUAL FAVORS."
5) Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy."
6) Don't use any punctuation
7) As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
8) Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.
9) Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".
10) Sing along at the opera.
11) Put mosquito netting around your work area. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.
12) Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.
13) When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I Won! I Won! 3rd time this week!"
14) When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling, "Run for your lives, they're loose!"
15) Tell your children over dinner. "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."
1. Only in America ...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in America ...are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America ...do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America ...do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
5. Only in America ...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America ...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America ...do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America ...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
9. Only in America ...do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
10. Only in America ...do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving isn't for you.
Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons for you are crunchy and good with ketchup
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
Some people are like slinkies. They seem to have no purpose, but they still bring you a smile when you push them down the stairs.
The person who smiles when things go wrong has found someone to blame it on
Better to stay silent and be thought a fool than to speak and remove all doubt
Never argue with an idiot. They'll just drag you down to their level and beat you with experience
Don't play stupid with an idiot, they'll always win.
I respect your opinion, I just think it's stupid
Curiosity killed the cat, but satisfaction brought it back
That which does not kill me had better run pretty damn fast
Keep smiling; it makes people wonder what you're up to
If explosives didn't solve your problems you obviously weren't using enough of them
The only difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has limits
Love your enemies. It gets them really confused.
I'm not a complete idiot. Some parts are missing.
If you don't like the way I drive, stay off the sidewalk.
I'm not as dumb as you look
A wise man once said, "Ask a girl."
Quotes of Greatness
"That was so bad I think you gave me cancer!" Calculon - Futurama
"Success consists of going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm." Winston Churchill
"Always forgive your enemies - Nothing annoys them so much." Unknown
"When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car." Unknown
“I want to share something with you: The three little sentences that will get you through life. Number 1: ‘Cover for me.’ Number 2: ‘Oh, good idea, Boss!’ Number 3: ‘It was like that when I got here.’” Homer Simpson - The Simpsons
“Attempted murder? Now honestly, what is that? Do they give a Nobel prize for attempted chemistry? Do they?" Sideshow Bob - The Simpsons
"Duct tape is like the force; it has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together." Carl Zwanzig
“This job would be great if it wasn’t for the fucking customers” Randal Graves - Clerks
“There’s only two men I trust. One of ‘em’s me, the other one’s not you” Cameron Poe - Con Air
"If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?" Scott Adams
"One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures." George W. Bush
"Tickets? Since when did they start charging for the bus? Didn't we used to ride that shit to school every morning for free?" Jay - Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back
"That's what the Internet is for! Slandering others anonymously."
"Fighting fair is for people that don't know how to avoid losing correctly."
"A fighter with lesser skill can knock out a man in one punch, but a regular person can make a skilled fighter cry like a girl with a single bullet."
"No technology is worth my dignity. If talking on a wireless headset means I gotta look like Buck Rogers, then I'm not interested. Besides, there's a reason why people hold a phone to their head! It lets people around you know your talking on the phone. So those people know not to waste time talking to you until you finish, which you then indicate, by putting that mothafucka away!" Gin Rummy - The Boondocks (And my thoughts on that stupid fucking bluetooth kick that 85% of this country was on a few years ago)
"If at first you don't succeed, deny that you were really trying in the first place."
"If you get glitter on you prepare to have it on you forever, because glitter is the herpes of craft supplies." Dimitri Martin
"Keep your expectations low. If you expect a kick in the balls, but get a slap in the face, then it's a victory."
"You never want to be in a fair fight if an unfair fight is an option." Forrest Griffin - Be Ready When The Sh*t Goes Down (A Survival Guide To The Apocalypse)
"Cheating: The Plan B of winners for over 2000 years."
"Right leg: hospital, left leg: cemetery." Mirko "Cro Cop" Filipovic (For those that do not understand you need to go to Youtube)
"The thing you should be thinking about isn't whether or not I can actually kill you with the nail clippers, it should be the fact that whether I can or not is irrelevant. No matter if I can or not, you know full well that I'm going to try, and that more than anything else should scare the hell out of you for more than one reason and answer your question right there." Me - Taken verbatim from my younger brother questioning my sanity after pissing me off in my bedroom post-shower and I took to threatening him with aforementioned grooming device.
"And that's the moral of the story. Some niggas need to go jail! I may be in hell, but at least I ain't in jail, nigga! (laughs maniacally)" Colonel H. Stinkmeaner - The Boondocks
"Bullets... my only weakness. How did you know?" Officer Palumbo - Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle
"Grammar is important. Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse, and helping your uncle jack off a horse."
"There's a very fine line between not listening and not caring. I like to think that I walk that line every day of my life."
"I don't understand a word you're going on about, but I know exactly what you're saying and I refuse to apologize."
"Nope, no matter how bad things seem, they can't be any better, and they can't be any worse, because that's the way things fucking are, and you better get used to it, Nancy. Quit yer bitching."
"I have a first place ribbon in doing nothing, it's the same color as last place... It's purple."
"Women are like Voltron, the more you hook up the better it gets."
"There's no 'I' in team." "Oh yeah! Well there's no "you" in "team" either! So I guess if I'm not on the team and you're not on the team, then nobody's on the goddamn team. The team sucks!"
Caboose: "Hey Church, ever wonder why we're here?"
Church: "You know, Caboose, I used to not care. I just went along with orders and hoped that everything would work out for me. But after all that has happened, you know what I learned? It's not about hating the guy on the other side because someone told you to. I mean, you should hate someone because they're an asshole, or pervert, or snob, or they're lazy, or arrogant, or an idiot, or a know-it-all. Those are reasons to dislike somebody. You don't hate a person because someone told you to. You have to learn to despise them on a personal level. Not because they're Red, or Blue, but because you know them, and you see them every single day, and you can't stand them because they are a complete and total fucking douchebag."
Caboose: "...I meant why are we up here in the sun when we could be standing down there in the shade."
Church: "Oh. Yeah, okay. Let's go stand in the shade." - Red vs. Blue
"You know what I really hate? What I really hate, is a pussy with a gun in his hand." Mr. Smith - Shoot 'Em Up
"Fruit don't talk... Fruit just listens... and waits." Earlie Cuyler - Squidbillies
Bet You Cant say this all correctly =3
third word in each sentence =3
This is this cat
This is is cat
This is how cat
This is to cat
This is keep cat
This is a cat
This is retard cat
This is busy cat
This is for cat
This is forty cat
This is seconds cat
25 reasons why i owe my mom
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
3 . My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
7. My mother taught t me IRONY.
8. My mother taught me about the science of DIFFUSION.
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION .
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
19. My mother taught me ESP.
20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
If you can read this message, you are blessed because over two billion people in the world cannot read at all:
I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty
uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal
pweor of the hmuan mnid. Aoccdrnig to a
rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't
mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the
olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer
be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl
mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm.
Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed
ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.
Amzanig huh? Yaeh and I awlyas toghuht slpeling
was ipmorantt! tahts so cool!
A black man walks into a cafe one early morning and noticed that he was the only black man there. As he sat down, he noticed a white man behind him.
'Girls Don't Realize These Things'
But most of all
1. No wasted beer in the name of humor.
2. It has been made official that under no circumstances should the male have to pay for birth control
3. If your best friend is dumped by a girl it is a 6 month waiting period till she can be touched. If he breaks up with her it’s a 6 day waiting period.
4. If two or more males arrived at a party by a single car, and the driving male is hooking up with a girl, it is the responsibility of the other males to find other ways home. (The exception to this law is if the driver is hooking up with his own girlfriend, the law is then void and the driver still holds full responsibility of driving his friend’s home)
5. Short shorts have been banned… Unless in a participating in a sporting event that demands shorter shorts. Also no real man should be allowed to pop his collar.
6. Every man shall allow one empty urinal of separation in a bathroom with three or more urinals; law is void if there are dividers in between each urinal.
7. If a girl and a guy are not officially dating then it can't be considered cheating. However...if the guy cheats with a girl that is less attractive to the one he is originally interested in then he is either... A) Drunk or B) Dumbass. This then gives the original girl the right to either get mad or laugh at you.
8. No one should ever steal a man's alcohol from that man's cooler...this is the only law that suffers the penalty of death.
9. When bringing condoms to a party it is a man's responsibility to pack two in his pockets and one in his car as a spare in case a friend is in desperate need.
10. No heavy fornication in a friend's bed. Or just wash the sheets.
11. No man shall every use a rolling backpack. If you can't carry the bag then you’re not a man.
12. If another man's fly is down, you didn't see anything and may not make a comment about it.
13. When a man is borrowing a buddies tool or other equipment, if the borrower puts any scratches or brings it back with any noticeable wear, then he is required to do one of the following: If the item costs under 50 bucks, you are required to replace it. If the item costs over 50 bucks, you are required to give him a case of beer, because hey...who wants to spend more than 50 bucks on something that isn't yours.
14. When your friend picks up a hot girl...however the hot girl has an ugly friend...it is only right that you operate as a wing man doing whatever it is you got to do to help your buddy have some time alone with the hot girl. As men we are obligated to sacrifice and pay it forward for each other knowing that the favor will one day be replayed.
15. When calling shotgun, all riders of the car must be outside, and shotgun can only be called when the car is in view. Riders in the car are not allowed to run to shotgun and steal it before the person who called and deserves it arrives there. The driver of the car has no authority to decide on who gets shotgun. If a legitimate confrontation comes up where the rightful owner of the shotgun can not be determined then it will be decided by one round of paper rock scissors (with no shoot). If the two contenders tie 5 times in a row then the rightful owner of the shotgun is to be decided by a UFC cage match in which the first blood drawn decides the rightful owner of shotgun.
Addendum to Man Law No. 15:
If at any point during the process of determining the shotgun rider a hot girl hints that she would like to sit up front the driver has the sole right to declare her the shotgun rider and depending upon the situation may even deny rides to all other passengers. However, if said hot girl is an ex of any passenger they may overrule the driver's decision and make her ride in the back. Additionally, if all passengers happen to be female then revert back to original method of deciding shotgun rider substituting mud wrestling for UFC cage match. The winner then gets either a cold water hose down or shotgun the next ride unless the car is really shitty and the owner doesn’t care about muddy seats.
16. It is PAPER, ROCK, and SCISSORS with no shoot. If you must say shoot, it has to be agreed upon by both men and a witness has to be present and somewhat sober.
17. When toasting with beers you clank with the bottom.
18. You poke it you own it.
19. The head nod is an acceptable way to greet another guy when simply walking past. No words are needed to be said. An upward nod is for friends, a downward nod is for fellow men.
20. If a man is on vacation to a state that does not border his own, or any other country, it is not considered cheating if he so chooses to engage in sexual activity with a girl other than his girlfriend. Although he should be fully aware that his girlfriend may not see eye to eye if she was to ever find out.
21. A man should not masturbate more than 3 times in a day to insure being ready for any unknown or known late night action. Assisting Girls does not count… rule is in exception if male party is in a bet to set a record of number of times in a day.
22. A man shall never wear any article of women's clothing (I.E … Girls Jeans/Pants!) unless they are the loser of such a bet… or if a man is figuratively in a girls pants… (Or any other article of clothing).
23. No man in any circumstance, unless mocking a violator of this law, should pop his collar.
24. A man should never be denied the right to adjust himself or place his hands down his pants under any circumstances.
25. Being a Pirate should be considered a Manly job because pirates get two types of booty.
26. All men must eat meat. A shitload of meat; if not borderline carnivore. For no reason should a man ever be a vegetarian, or eat sick shit like tofu. Also no man should consume any food with the terms "diet", "fat free", or any other healthy suggesting terms for the sake of "watching his weight" or dieting.
27. Every man is required to learn some form of Poker before he dies.
28. If a man ever does something wrong a simple "OOPS", "My Bad", or any variations of cuss words that get the point across will suffice, no need to say "I'm Sorry"
29. No man should ever hook up with his best friend's girl, no matter how hot she is. This is in effect while they are dating or "together." If they are separated refer to Law 3 for the proper way to handle the situation. (Side Advice: Less guilt is involved if she comes on to you.
30. under no circumstance should any one man cockblock another man’s attempt at getting some tang. Let’s just leave that up to the tangs fat friend. Please note that cockblocking will result in a suspension of your Man status and its privileges, and will result in the title Manbitch.
31. Every man should watch sports center at least once a day, though multiple viewings are recommended so that one can hold his own in any debate on sports that may arise that day.
32. Under no circumstances shall any man lay a hand on a female or a child in violence. Spanking of a woman's ass or pulling of the hair is permitted if done on request. Corporal punishment is permitted excluding obvious extremes. Punishment for the attacking male is that if other men see the assault taking place they having the right to take him out back behind a building and show him how to fight with real men. In this situation more than one man may be used in the attacking of said woman beater because he clearly doesn’t mind an unfair fight seeing as he was hitting a lady or a child to begin with. A call to the police is a very last resort and should only be used is said male is over 6' 5" 250lb. or an ufc cage fighter. A kick to the crotch is only called for in cases of rape. If it is merely a guy beating a woman, defenseless child, or elderly people then a legitimate beating is called for, but no shots to the crotch. If it is a case of rape however, multiple shots to the crotch are called for. The punishment must fit the crime and since rape is using that area of the body, it is OK to inflict damage to it.
33. If a woman is present whether family or friend no man under any circumstances shall make their own food or pour their own drinks unless it is a special holiday such as, Mother's day, Birthday's, or St. Patrick's day or if the woman cannot keep up with the pace you want your drink poured. Law is void if significant grilling is involved.
34. No man shall ever watch a soap opera ever! Period! If this law is broken, it will result in the lowering of status from man to Manbitch and the questioning of the liking of opposite gendered relationships.
35. Women can't drive.
36. In the court of Man Law the statement "I was Drunk" will have the same effect as an insanity plea (reduced punishment) in standard court provided the defendant's blood alcohol level exceeds .10.
37. If any male is caught violating a Man Law in serious context, as a form of punishment he should be disowned of his manly name, only to receive the title of "Manbitch" from his peers and colleagues. Forgiveness is pending the severity of the broken law...or a case of beer to all his offended peers as a token of respect to what is manly...and what is not.
38. Any man that is old enough and is not in the army should at least support the troops, even if you don’t agree with the war they are your country men fighting to protect you and you should show them your support
39. No more crushing of empty beer cans or your forehead. Modern, thinner cans make the feat less impressive than with cans of years past.
40. If you take beer to a party the tuck rule is in play when leaving, you may take one beer max, but only if the beer will fit in your pocket.
41. Do not have a conversation at a urinal.
42. A man will not live in his parent’s house past the age of 27 unless they are ill or he is in the war.
43. All men have the right to remain silent when asked by a woman "do you like this". And the right to leave the room.
44. Sex is more important then talking
45. No man under any circumstance shall use lip balm.
46. Grilling, regardless of weather, is always the first choice for cooking.
47. No man shall ever own a dog smaller then a housecat
48. Men will invite other men to Man Law
49. No man shall ever turn down free beer because "it’s not their brand."
50. No man shall be shamed if they are passed out with their shoes off in your place. If the person passes out outside of the house, then they are fair game shoes or not.
51. It is acceptable for a man to publicly situate and/or scratch himself in the region of the gonads. If at a formal conference, then do so discretely. If at a football party, scratch away, just no handshakes.
52. The morning after, if a beer has been left on the table, no matter the temperature, it is acceptable to consume this item with food, such as its counterpart, cold pizza.
53. If you spill a man’s beer, you buy the next round/refill the cup.
54. Nursing a beer is unacceptable. The bottle/can/cup should never reach lukewarm temperature with beer still in it. If you can’t drink it in said time, don’t open it. If you can’t drink it in said time, your man status will be up for review.
55. Always accept beer from a stranger, but only if unopened/capped.
56. It is never a man’s responsibility to empty the trash while drinking. Beer cans may be staked or crushed while the bottles may be thrown into neighbour’s lawn.
57. A man does not have to like another man to drink his beer. Beer is beer.
58. It is acceptable for a man to break man laws, if no other option is humanly possible, in the pursuit of the opposite sex. His actions will be given leeway.
59. The bachelor’s party is exclusively male. (except the entertainment).
60. No man may ever sell a beer to a friend. It’s understood that said friend will repay beer with beer later. Under no circumstance may the replacement beer be of a lesser quality.
61. A man purse is still a purse.
62. No man shall dance for fun unless it’s to increase his chances with a member of the opposite sex.
63. Body paint is only acceptable on a man if it’s on game day and to support his team.
64. No man shall bring a woman to the guy’s night out. This is punishable by verbal abuse for life.
65. If you do not sweat, it’s not a sport. (People sweat during Beer Pong.)
66. If a large snake catches a man off guard and bites, said man is allowed to scream once.
67. No man shall wear a beret unless it’s for his military service.
68. When lifting weights, it is acceptable for a man to wear compression shorts under the regular shorts. No man shall ever wear compression shorts alone.
69. No man shall ever, under and circumstance, share an umbrella with another man.
70. No two men are allowed to enter a revolving door together. Unless it involves a race were the winner receives a combination of the following: beer, food, sex.
71. The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want" gets an Xbox. End of story.
72. Keeping beer from other's by hiding it in the fridge is not permissible. Besides, sharing is caring.
73. Wives and girlfriends may not store items other than beer in the garage fridge. It is for beer only.
74. A man may publicly rebuke another man only if the first man has the man law and number memorized. Otherwise the rebuke must be in private. Furthermore, any man who has the man laws memorized will be deemed a "higher" man.
75. In no situation is it acceptable to sit cross-kneed. You either sit with feet-crossed, no cross, or stand.
76. Men are allowed to lick the plate when done but only when alone or with other men.
77. A man should be able to determine a diesel engine by sound alone.
78. While smiling, no man shall stick his tongue between his teeth.
79. It should be understood that while, yes, cheerleading is not a sport, and it is perfectly accepted to watch.
80. If a man is punched, and the hit is rubbed, he is punched again in the same area twice.
81. A man should be able to lucidly explain the rules of one or more of the following sports: Football (not the European kind), Baseball, Lacrosse, or Ice Hockey.
82. The dressing of any pet for any reason is not acceptable...any garment that is not a part of the animal shall not be allowed to be attached to that animal...exceptions are collars, leashes, etc. exception to this rule are monkeys.
83. Under no circumstances shall any man drink wine cooler...ever...unless beer or liquor is completely unattainable. This includes anything (non liquor) fruit flavored that comes in a bottle.
84. Under no circumstances shall a man ever defer control of the television remote to a female.
85. There are three reasons for which a man is allowed to cry.
1. He is hit in the genitals with anything traveling over 10mph.
2. Your date is using her teeth.
3. Anna Kournikova gets married (female’s identity is subject to change depending on time period Man Law is read).
86. When watching a "catfight" it is perfectly acceptable to choose sides. It is also perfectly acceptable to pray for rippage of clothing.
87. When in a public shower, no man will look below the shoulders. Also, no eye-toeye contact for more than one second is allowed. If eye contact occurs, nod upwards, and look away.
88. No man under any circumstances should have to explain the use of a power tool to another man.
89. Never should man give a woman the credit card. No exceptions.
90. No man should talk on a telephone to a girl longer than he will have sex with her.
91. Every man should smoke at least one premium cigar in his life. Not any swisher sweet crap either. Cohiba, Monte Cristo, CAO.
92. No man shall ever read an instruction manual. If the man does not know how to use the item trial and error shall be used until the correct function is determined.
93. No man shall be held accountable for any promise he makes while drunk unless it was a bet.
94. When questioned by a friend's girlfriend, you need not and should not provide any information as to his whereabouts. You are even permitted to deny his very existence.
95. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 24 hours.
96. A best man's toast may not include any of the following phrases, "down in Tijuana", "one time when we were all piss drunk", or "and this girl had the biggest rack you ever saw".
97. You may exaggerate any anecdote told to your friends by 50% without recrimination, beyond that anyone within earshot is allowed to yell out "bullshit!" (Exception: when trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration is 400%)
98. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another man is 5 minutes. The maximum is 6 minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 scale.
99. Bitching about the brand of free beverages in your buddy's refrigerator is forbidden. But gripe at will if the temperature is not suitable.
100. A friend must be permitted to borrow anything you own - grill, car, firstborn child - within 12 hr notice. Women or anything considered "lucky" are not applicable in this case.
101. Falling on a grenade for a buddy (agreeing to distract the skanky friend of the hot babe he's trying to score) is your legal duty. But should you get carried away with your good deed and end up getting on the beast, your pal is forbidden to ever speak of it.
102. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a Buffalo wing clean.
103. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. (In fact, even remembering your best friend’s birthday is optional)
104. You must offer heartfelt condolences over the death of a girlfriend’s cat, even if it was you who secretly set it on fire and threw it into a ceiling fan.
105. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask whose playing. You should know such things.
106. If your girlfriend asks to set your friend up with her ugly, whiny, loser friend of hers, you must grant permission, but only if you have ample time to warn your friend to prepare his excuse about joining the priesthood.
107. When picking players for sports teams it is permissible to skip over your buddy in favour of better athletes - as long as you don’t let him be the last sorry son of a bitch standing on the sideline.
108. Never join your girlfriend in ragging on a buddy of yours... unless she is withholding sex, pending your response.
109. You cannot rat out a friend who shows up to work or class with a massive hangover, however you may: hide the aspirin, smear his chair with limburger cheese, turn the brightness on his computer way down so he thinks it’s broken, or have him paged every seven minutes.
110. The morning after you and a babe, who was formerly "just a friend", go at it, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason not to jump on her again before there is a discussion about what a big mistake it was.
111. Everybody is Irish on St. Patrick’s Day. And as such said people must consume alcohol on St. Patrick’s Day. Green and/or gold body paint may be worn, but no glitter.
112. When passing another man in a tight area where contact is possible, hole to hole or pole to pole is only acceptable. If it is pole to pole no eye contact should be made. If any detour from this is spotted by any onlooking men, possible labels such as "Fag" may be deemed necessary. Resulting immediate demotion in man status.
Kenchi618's Rules of Naruto Fanfiction
KENICHI618 ROCKS!! (update your fics please)
1. Naruto must know some kind of replication technique, preferably the tried and true Kage Bunshin technique. Why you ask? Because it wouldn't be Naruto without three dozen blonde kids running amok on a regular basis.
2. Being a smart-ass is recommended. He doesn't necessarily have to be smart, but his mouth should be. Naruto, in essence, is a hot-head with no tact that shoots his mouth off and pisses off the wrong people, invariably drawing them into his world, for better or for worse. Since the story will probably revolve around him ANYWAY, you might as well make it so that what he has to say is hella entertaining, it makes the whole experience much better.
3. He must have some kind of weakness, even in the super-fics. Who wants to see good things happen all the time? If nothing but good things go on, then the good will become watered down and not very significant at all. He needs to be able to be beaten somehow, someway there has to be something about him that enemies can take advantage of. Naruto's the underdog, that's his appeal and that is why he is beloved. Haven't you people ever seen Rudy!?
4. Pissing off your readers is a double-edged sword. If it's a damn good cliffhanger, or something that sets up an antagonist for future comeuppance then great, fire away! As long as the pay-off is well worth it then that is what the creative process is all about. However, if you just delight in butchering whatever integrity the original storyline had and the amount of flames you get is equal to 1/4 of your entire review count then there is something seriously wrong.
5. NO FREAKIN' YAOI!! None! Now I'm not homophobic, I'm actually very chill with gay people, one of the coolest guys I know is gay, to each their own I always say. But I will not fucking read anything that even has the possibility of dude-on-dude action, fuck that shit, I have enough nightmares. Now since I'm a dude, yuri, maybe, but don't go overboard with it. Remember: Just because you can do something doesn't mean you should, and just because you should do something doesn't mean you will.
6. Do unto others as you would have others do unto you. If you want reviews then fucking review on the stories of others. If you like a story, tell the writer what you like. If you don't like it, tell them what you don't like or you think could be improved. It's common courtesy damn it! A decent review takes one minute max, because you have an well thought out opinion by the time you finish reading, so share the love.
7. Grammar and punctuation are actually very fucking important. If I read a story that I could've written better in the third grade then that is a problem. It really takes away from the story, it truly does. You can have a kick-ass premise and a great plot all set out, if you type a like second grade remedial english student then I won't read it damn it. Come on! You go through thirteen years of public school and learn how to write properly for a reason, because shitty writing pisses people off! No text writing either. Slang is okay, as long it is coherent and most know what the fuck you just wrote then by all means go forth. Even good grammar and spelling in your story summary can be the difference between hits and reviews, trust me.
8. Bashing is okay... to an extent. If the entire point of your story is to just shit all over certain characters and make another look like God's gift to the world then you can do that, but you won't be getting many thumbs up for your masterful storytelling. Be justifiable and flexible on your bashing, because just like in real life, things can change easily.
9. Listen to the people. Yes, it is your story, that's cool. And in the end whatever happens is up to you. I'm not saying let them plan out the plot or anything, although if you're lazy then go for it. I'm saying that if enough people say something, like a certain thing sucks, or they talk about something that you didn't or can't explain, address it and/or try to fix it. If you are anything like me then reader response is like crack, showing you don't care is basically saying 'fuck this story' and that will not end well.
10. OC's are not God! OC's cannot do everything! They can fix stuff, yes! They can train people up, yes! They can be potential pairings, again, yes! But OC's cannot fix everything. If the fucking Hokage can't make Naruto's life much better then how can some random guy from Jack-fuckistan come in one day and fix everything? He can improve on things, like Naruto's skill level, and his relationships with people, even his intelligence and standard of living, but a full-on upswing is IMPOSSIBLE for one person... That was more of a rant than anything...
11. Have extensive knowledge about the subject you are writing on. It really helps the quality of your work if you know what the hell you're writing about in the first place. For example, don't attempt crossovers if you don't have equal knowledge of all elements being used for the story. Either know what's going on, or have one hell of a reference tool at your disposal... as a matter of fact, you should have that at hand regardless because people tend to forget/overlook shit.
This can and probably will be manipulated over time being that I own this shit, however if anyone agrees with these than feel free to use it. Give me credit, and have at it I guess.
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