|Victoria of Memphis|
Poll: I know it's kind of early to be doing this, but I'll ask anyway. Which one of my AF stories, TVH or TRoA, would you most like me to update more frequently? This sounds completely cheesy, but every vote makes a difference! Seriously. Vote Now!
Author has written 2 stories for Artemis Fowl.
Hi! I'm Victoria (previously 'Victoriarty197', 'victoriahf197', 'Victoriarity', 'Victoria Holmes' for a short while and another name that I can't exactly remember). As you can see, I'd been debating over my pen name, but finally decided on "Victoria of Memphis", "Victoria," for short. Also, you can call me VoM, if you like initializing stuff. As you can also see, I was born in Memphis Tennessee, and don't live very far from the city now.
Anyway, I'm glad that you took the time to click by and check out my profile! Oh, and if I ramble, please realize that I will (probably) get back on topic eventually. This is my profile, though, and I believe that I have the right to ramble if I so choose.
You know, one of the first things I wonder about a fanfiction.net writer/reader, is if they're a guy or a gal. Well, just to let y'all know, I was born a girl and intend to stay that way. I love reading and writing, but I suppose that you've already guessed that. I also love singing and playing the piano. And I'm a HUGE animal lover.
Okay, about my stories: I am not dead, nor have I abandoned my fic "The Return of Athena". I didn't like the way that I started that story out, and am currently in the process of rewriting it. I do have a bonus that goes along with the rewrite, though: I'm adding a plot twist to it (a really cool one, in my opinion. But then, I am the one writing it). I was thinking over the whole reason for why something happened (something without which would make the story so AU that I wouldn't even want to TRY and write it), when I had an idea. An idea that made me remind myself of our own dear Artemis. *tries to vampire-grin like Arty, succeeds, and scares people reading* Anyway, in (more or less) the words of the famous Monty Python; "I'm not dead yet!" (I'm sorry, but I just love that line.)
I actually do have an idea as to where The Vapmire Heir is going, I'm just having trouble getting there. And, the fact that my life has become totally crazy lately so that I have no time to write doesn't help matters, either.
Some books and book series that I am reading or have read are; Sherlock Holmes, Harry Potter (of course), Artemis Fowl, Victoria Victorious, Inheritance Cycle, Percy Jackson and the Olympians, Despereaux, Tuck Everlasting, (the original) Peter Pan, A Wrinkle in Time, A Wind in the Door, Island of the Blue Dolphins, The Royal Diaries.
As to T.V., I love Criminal Minds, Glee, N.C.I.S., Blue Bloods (partially because Tom Selleck is in it) and C.S.I (New York is my favorite.) My thoughts on the C.S.I. series is that NY has the weird but cool cases, Miami has the drama, and (no offense to C.S.I; C.S.I. fans) the original is just gross. And that's compared to the other C.S.I.'s. But, each to his own, I suppose. I also like other shows, but these are my favorites.
My favorite play is "Wicked"! Seriously, if you haven't seen it yet, go buy tickets. Now. I also like "Cats" and "Monty Python's Holy Grail". (Remember the "Not dead yet" reference earlier in my profile?)
Um, my favorite movies would be "Inception", "The Imaginarium of Dr. Parnassus", "Alice in Wonderland (2010 Tim Burton version), "Pirates of the Carribean series", and probably some more that I can't recall at the moment. Note that I don't like what they did with the Percy Jackson movie, and my PJO fan friends totally agree with me. I mean, it was SO OOC! They were totally off. I'm kind of afraid to see how badly they'll butcher Deathly Hallows and Artemis Fowl (if the AF movie ever comes out.)
Favorite song? "Can't Be Tamed" by Miley Cyrus. I also like "Jar of Hearts" by Christina Perri, "Last Name" by Carrie Underwood, "When I Grow Up" by The Pussycat Dolls, "We Belong To The Music" by Timbaland, featuring Miley Cyrus, and I occasionally listen to Lady Gaga. As is also apparent, I like different types of music, including pop, rock, country and classical.
Said Ravenclaw, "We'll teach those whose intelligence is surest."
Ravenclaw students tend to be clever, witty, intelligent, and knowledgeable.
Also, my patronus is apparently a rabbit. (Though, I would prefer a wolf or a dog.) Hmmn, Ravenclaw house, a rabbit Patronus, and most people would say that I'm very nice but a bit on the odd side... That sounds a lot like a certain quirky blond from HP we know, doesn't it?
My favorite ships: Mostly I go for whatever is canon. But, there are a few exceptions...
Harry Potter: (Ugh. HP can be hard to decide good ships for.)
Neville/ Hannah( This actually IS cannon, believe it or not.)
Bellatrix/Voldemort (Remember the start of the chapter "the Flaw in the Plan" where Voldy falls down and Bella babies him a bit? That was kind of funny, once you think about it when not caught up in the suspense of the book.)
Severus/Lily (I feel bad for Sev. I don't think that he would be a pleasant person to be around all the time, but he isn't evil or anything. Not really, just heart-broken. Although, he really shouldn't have taken it out on Harry just 'cos he looks like James.)
Root/Vinyaya (If they did get together with someone, I think that this would be a good choice.)
Artemis/Minerva (What? I like both Arty ships! Although he can relate more to Minnie, I think he loves more and would be happier with Holly.)
Juliet/Mulch (Ha! Not really. But that would be funny!)
Angeline/Artemis Sr. (like I said, I'm very canon.)
Foaly/Cabaline (When I started reading AF, I liked Foaly/Holly. Of course, then Foaly had to go and get married... Also, I was kind of young then. Okay, younger, anyway.)
Percy/Rachel (They were cute, but if I had to choose one, it would be Percabeth.)
Hades/Persephone (if only Demeter would leave them alone!)
Poseidon/Sally (That would be good for Percy, but what about Paul and Amphitrite, then? Also, there's Tyson...)
Paul/Sally (What is with her and P names? Poseidon, Percy, Paul... Why wasn't she named Polly Jackson?)
Ares/Aphrodite (Aphrodite doesn't deserve poor old Hephaestus!)
Athena/Annabeth's Dad (this also might not work because of the same reason Poseidon/Sally wouldn't work. *sighs dramatically* Curse you, you frustrating Ancient Greek Mythology! *shakes fist at sky, thunder rolls ominously and lightning strikes barely two inches away* Agh! I mean... Sorry, Zues. *mumbles apology*
Yeah, sory about that ramble. Anyway, here are the all-too-well-known Copy and Pastes! I have about 6,739,364,237,437 of these, so take a seat, guys (You were probably already sitting, so just stay seated, I guess.) Okay, please ignore the awkwardness of the statement in parentheses! (And yet more rambling... Oh, right, Copy and Pastes!)
Amateurs built the ark, professionals built the Titanic.
Silence is golden but duct-tape is silver.
Flying is simple. Just throw yourself at the ground and miss.
Everyone makes mistakes. The trick is to make them when nobody's looking.
Don't steal. The government hates the competition.
If at first you don't succeed, change the rules.
Life is like a box of chocolates - it's full of nuts.
Education is important. School, however, is another matter.
If you can't beat them, join them. Then take over.
Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
Lead me not into temptation. I can get there just fine on my own.
Whoever said nothing is impossible never tried slamming a revolving door.
People are like slinkies; basically useless, but fun to push down stairs.
The severity of the itch is directly proportional to the reach.
Where there's a will, make sure you're in it.
On the other hand, the early worm gets eaten.
Experiance is the worst teacher; it gives the test before presenting the lesson.
It's always the last place you look...of course it is, why would I keep looking after I found it?
If the grass is greener on the other side, you can bet the water bill is higher.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Just when they think they have all the answers, I change the questions.
Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.
Once, I thought I made a mistake, but I was wrong.
If "the pen is mightier than the sword", how come "actions speak louder than words"?
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Try to teach a man to fish, and he will resent you for trying to make him work.
I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
There's nothing wrong with arguing with yourself, it's when you argue with yourself and LOSE that it's weird.
I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives.
Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit, but Wisdom is knowing not to put it in a fruit salad.
I'm not insane, and the voices inside my head agree with me.
Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the world together.
I'm not retreating. I'm advancing in a different direction.
Smile! It makes them wonder what you're up to.
It's bad luck to be superstitious.
If at first you don't succeed, erase all evidence that you tried.
A student who changes the course of history is probably taking an exam.
Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor's office is full of Picassos.
If you steal from one person, it's plagiarism; if you steal from many it's research.
Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.
If you attempt to fail, and succeed, then which have you done?
I intend to live forever, or die trying.
You say I'm not cool. But cool is another word for cold. If I'm not cold, then I must be hot. I know I'm hot. Thanks for embracing it.
"Never put battery acid in the pool, or sludge." ~ My Dad
The newscaster is the person who says "Good evening" and then tells you why it's not.
Don't you dare tell me the sky is the limit when there are footsteps on the moon.
Be insane... because well behaved girls never made history.
Person #1: Happiness is just around the corner!
My knight in shining Armour turned out to be a loser in aluminum foil.
Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They're about to announce the lottery numbers. -
- What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere?
- Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling.
He who laughs last didn't get it.
I'm the kind of girl who will burst our laughing in the middle of a dead silence because of something that happened yesterday.
I don't obsess! I think intensely.
A recent survey stated that the average person's greatest fear is having to give a speech in public. Somehow this ranked even higher than death which was third on the list. So, you're telling me that at a funeral, most people would rather be the guy in the coffin than have to stand up and give a eulogy.
I'm not so good at advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?
You're a great friend, but if the zombies come chasing us, I'm tripping you.
Someday your prince will come. Mine took a wrong turn and is too stubborn to ask for directions.
Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
Do unto others before they do unto you.
Nothing is illegal until you get caught.
Be nice to your kids, they'll chose your nursing home.
Follow your dreams... except the one when you're at school in your underwear.
A Lawyer will do anything to win a case, sometimes he will even tell the truth.
Um, this joke is a bit cheesy, but I thought that I might as well share it with you all: "What is the most common blood type among hippies? B-Positive, Man!" Yeah, that's probably easier to understand when heard, not read. Please note that I didn't copy this from someone else, it is original to Victoria of Memphis! Although, if you would like to copy it, then I don't mind if you do. All I ask is that you please not take credit for what isn't yours. Thank you.
If you have ever forgotten what you were going to say, right before you say it, copy this into your profile. ( Only just EVERY DAY!)
If you have ever just wanted to SLAP someone, copy this onto your profile.
92 percent American teens would die if Abecrombie and Fitch/American Eagle told them it uncool to breathe. Copy this into your profile if you would be in the 8 percent laughing thir arses of at the others.
If you've ever had a mad laughing fit for no reason, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you have ever tripped over your own feet, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you have ever tripped over air, copy and past this into your profile
If you have ever tripped UP stairs, copy and paste this into your profile
If you've ever asked a really stupid, obvious question, copy and paste this one your profile.
If you ever forgotten what you were talking about in a conversation copy and paste this into your profile
If you have ever stopped to look at something in the middle of a busy street, copy this into your profile
If you have ever pushed on a door that said pull or vise versa, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you think rock paper scissors solves everything then put this in your profile!
If you have ever zoned out for more than five consecutive minutes, copy this onto your profile.
If there are times where you just wanna annoy someone for the heck of it copy this onto your profile
If you ever read past two in the morning, copy and paste this to your profile. (I went all the way to almost four A.M reading Goblet of Fire. Or maybe it was Order of the Pheonix... Anyway, I finished it off then.)
If you've ever burst out laughing in a quiet room, add this to your profile
If, for no warning, you have laughed during a movie part that wasn't funny, put this onto your profile.
If you've ever copied and pasted something onto your profile, copy and paste this onto your profile
If you think that the kids should stop chasing Lucky and leave the leprechaun alone, then copy and paste this onto your profile. (Lucky is just a normal leprechaun who wants his cereal)
If at one time you misspelled or forgot how to spell a word less than four letters, copy and paste this onto your profile.
If you have ever walked into a door, copy this into your profile
If you and your friend break out into song in a public area put this on your profile
Copy paste this to your profile if you'd rather look all over the house for the remote instead of pushing the button on the TV.
If you have ever forgotten and/or spelled your name wrong, copy and paste this onto your profile.
If you and your friends have made up codenames for people so that they wouldn't know you were talking about them, copy and paste this onto your profile
If anyone has ever said to you "Like you don't know," when you really didn't know, copy this onto your profile
Studies show that 7/5ths of people don't understand fractions
If you loved DH, HBP, OotP, GoF, PoA, CoS and SS/PS and understand what each of those mean, copy and paste this onto your profile.
If you wish that The Atlantis Complex ended differently, copy and paste this onto your profile. (It's not that I wanted an A/H ending, I just wanted to see Arty in jeans and a tee-shirt! *pouts*)
65 percent of teenagers spend more time watching TV rather than reading, if you are part of the 35 percent who read more than watch TV, then copy and paste this into your profile then add your name. RaeVenn-Chan, Fall-For-Deceit, PhoenixTears95, J Spiker, The Awsome Threesome, GilansApprentice, Dragonwings66, Victoria of Memphis
If you hear the voices of the characters from your favorite book inside your head...copy and paste this on your profile
If you're one of those people who get excited when you see just two reviews, paste this into your profile.
If you've been on the computer for hours on end, reading numerous fanfictions, copy this onto your profile.
If you know the second half of the poem "Roses are red, violets are blue," then copy and paste this onto your profile. (It's "sugar is sweet, and so are you." Now that you know it, you should copy and paste!)
93 percent of American teens would have a severe emotional breakdown if someone called them a freak. If you're a part of the 7 percent who would ask the person, "What was your first clue?", copy this into your profile and add your name to the list: Sunlit Goddess of the C.O.C.A., Moonlit Goddess of the C.O.C.A., Evil Genius of the COCA, Invader Miley Phantom, dAnnYsGiRl777, BloodySalvation, Lady Lost-A-Lot, bellabookworm9, GoodyGoody23, -xIxHEARTxEDWARDx-, sakurabloom1124, Phish Tacko, fictionfreak93, InkAndPaperTwin, OnTheHour.EveryHour, DarkAngelSnapeLover, LilysLittleTwin, Victoria of Memphis
A large percent of writers don't know the difference between "your" and "you're." If you're one of the ones who does know and wants to slug them, copy and paste this into your profile. ( Also "their," "they're" and "there". I mean, come on people!
If you've ever fallen off a chair backwards, copy and paste this onto your profile.
If you've ever fallen flat on your face/side/butt for no apparent reason, copy and paste this on your profile.
If youre profile is really long, copy and paste this onto your profile. (I had been holding off on C&Ping this, as I didn't think my profile was long enough. Then I actually scrolled all the way down my profile, and decided that it was time to add this.)
If you've ever felt like something was watching you and then turned around to find nothing, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you're a bookworm and proud of it, copy and paste this into your profile
If you don't watch Laguna Beach or the O.C. or The Hills religiously, never have, never will, and are proud of it, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you've never even heard of those shows, copy this in to your profile.
If you have ever burst out laughing about something in a book, and people look at you wierd, copy and paste this on your profile.
If random songs pop into your head for no apparent reason, copy and paste this on your profile.
If you have ever read a 500 pg + book in less than one day, copy and paste this into your profile.
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do . . . write to these men?
Why do we teach kids that violence is not the answer and then have them read about wars in school that solved America's problems?
"Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way you're a mile away from them and you have their shoes."
"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most."
I stay as confused as a gangster with a skateboard
"Everything here is eatable. I'm eatable, but that my children is called cannibalism and is frowned upon in most societies." ( Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory)
Your mom looks like Voldemort (oooooh burn)
Therapist = The/rapist... scary thought
Don't call me emo or I'll cry big juicy tears of blood and pain and then I'll die and it will be ALL YOUR FAULT!
Your weirdness is creeping my imaginary friend out
Tell the truth and run.
All things considered, insanity may be the only reasonable alternative.
When angry, count to ten, when very angry, swear.
"Have you ever noticed that if you rearranged the letters in mother in law, they come out to Woman Hitler?"
Why do people say, "You can't have your cake and eat it too"? Why would someone get cake if they can't eat it?
"When life hand you lemons, throw those lemons right back at it and tell life to make its own dang lemonade"
Don't mess with me I've got a stick
I'm so gangster, I carry a squirt gun.
I used to be normal, until I met the freaks that I call my friends
I ran with scissors, and lived!
The greatest challenge in life is to find someone who knows all your flaws, differences, and mistakes, and yet still sees the
best in you.
"When life gives you lemons, make grape juice. Then sit back and watch the world wonder how you did it."
"Those who don't learn from history are doomed to repeat it."
"Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else"
"Real girls aren't perfect, perfect girls aren't real."
"I'd rather be hated for who I am than be loved for who I'm not."
"Why is it that people are fine with everyone having a different job or going to a different school, but if you say you follow a different religion, you are weird?"
"What is easy is not always right, and what is right is not always easy."
"Guns don't kill people. I do."
A good friend bails you out of jail. A great friend is sitting in the cell next to you saying "Damn, that was FUN!! Let's do it again tomorrow."
"The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four people is suffering from a mental illness. Look at your 3 best friends. If they're ok, then it's you."
"Poets have been mysteriously silent on the subject of cheese."
They say "Guns don't kill people, people kill people." Well, I think the guns help. If you stood there and yelled BANG, I don't think you'd kill too many people.
Ever had writers block when talking?
Life isn't passing me by, it's trying to run me over.
Smile, and the world will smile back at you. Laugh, and they'll all think you're on drugs.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear intelligent until you hear them speak.
If I could get a firm grip on reality, I'd choke it.
"This calls for a particularly subtle blend of psychology and extreme violence."
People can be divided into three groups. Those who make things happen. Those who watch things happen. Those who wonder what happened. Congratulations on being the captain of the third group.
Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
Straight is something crooked that was bent.
Insanity is a perfectly rational adjustment to an insane world.
I used to have super powers, but then my therapist took them away.
Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.
Stupidity killed the cat. Curiosity was framed.
I'm not a complete idiot. Some parts are missing.
The voices in my head tell me that you're all crazy to think that I need therapy.
If you can keep your head while other people are losing theirs, you probably don't fully understand the situation.
The white man said, "Colored people are not allowed here."
The black man turned around and stood up.
He then said: "Listen sir...when I was born I was BLACK, When I grew up I was BLACK, When I'm sick I'm BLACK, When I go in the sun I'm BLACK, When I'm cold I'm BLACK, When I die I'll be BLACK. But you sir, When you're born you're PINK, When you grow up you're WHITE, When you're sick, you're GREEN, When you go in the sun you turn RED, When you're cold you turn BLUE, And when you die you turn PURPLE. And you have the nerve to call me colored?"
The black man then sat back down and the white man walked away... Post this on your profile if you hate racism
My mind works like lightning...one brilliant flash and it's gone.
If you have a long bio/profile, and wish to hereby enhance the length of said autobiographical document, copy and paste this to said world wide web page to make said autobiographical document increase in length, number of words, interestingness, and other things which would be known as fun, copy and paste this piece of information to your said autobiographical document.
- Come over to the Dark Side, we have cookies! (And used to have Draco and Snape, I might add)
- Come over to the Nerd Side, we have pi! (My Dad's a bit of a nerd, so he loved this when I told him.)
Life's unanswered questions . . .
If Jimmy cracked corn and no one cared, then why is there a song about him?
When someone asks you one thing that you would want most on a deserted island, how come no one ever says 'A BOAT'?
If an African elephant comes to America, is it an African-American elephant?
Why do sleeping pills have warning labels that state 'Caution: "May Cause Drowsiness"?
Why does the Easter bunny carry eggs? Rabbits don't lay eggs.
What happens if a black cat walks under a ladder and breaks a mirror?
What would happen if you found a four-leaf-clover under a ladder?
If mirrors need light to work, what happens if you put night vision goggles on in the dark and look at a mirror?
Why is it written "May contain traces of peanuts or other kind of nuts" on peanut butter jars? Are people stupid enough not to realize it themselves?
YOU KNOW YOU'RE AN AUTHOR IF...
You talk to yourself a lot. (e.g. Hmm, what would happen if it was sunny the day Bella got hit by the van? Oh, story idea!! Must get computer!)
You talk to yourself about talking to yourself. (e.g. 'Why do I constantly ask my self random things?')
When you talk to yourself you often talk to yourself like you're talking to someone else. (e.g. 'Have you ever noticed that deliver could mean someone's liver?')
After uttering a profound peice of wisdom like that above, you stare at the cookie in your hand with awe and say, "Wow,this stuff is great for sugar highs...'
You live off of sugar and caffine (the two greatest things ever discovered!)
You'll check your e-mail every day of the week and then dissappear off the face of the earth.
You're e-mails tend to be pages long and incredibly random.
When replying to an e-mail, you'll never actually address the point of it.
You tend to collect Bic Stics off the ground like picking pennies off the ground.
No matter where you are in a room you never have to get up to find a pen/pencil and paper.
The letters on your keyboard are wearing off. (once a key actually fell off!)
Your friends and family think that you have carpal tunnel syndrome.
People think you have A.D.D.
You think it'd be cool to have A.D.D.
You zone out even with other people.
You constantly start talking in third person, present or past tense.
You start thinking about making lists like this and start giggling for no "apparent" reason
Your friends stopped looking at you funny for no apparent reason a loooooong time ago.
You're profile is REALLY long.
Your computer runs out of memory.
You can't stop writing!
And FINALLY, the one way to tell if you're a good writer: You failed English 101. (It's official;I'm an Author.)
Things I Am Not Allowed To Do At Hogwarts: (OMG you guys, this is so funny that I had to post it on Facebook.)
1) The Giant Squid is not an appropiate date to the Yule Ball (oh, the fanfic possibilities...)
2) I am not allowed to sing, "We're Off to See the Wizard" while skipping off to the Headmaster's office
3) I am not allowed to take out a life insurance policy on Harry Potter
5) I am not allowed to give Remus Lupin a flea collar
6) I am not allowed to bring a Magic 8 Ball to Divination
7) I am not allowed to say that Seamus Finnegan is "after my lucky charms"
8) I am not allowed to start a betting pool on this years Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher. It's taste-less, tacky, and not a good money-making strategy.
9) I am not allowed to make light saber sounds with my wand
10) I am not allowed to give Hagrid Pokemon cards and convince him they're real animals
11) I am not to refer to the Accio charm as "The Force"
12) I will not give you my socks to make hand-puppets of the Slytherin-House mascot
14) If the thought of a spell makes me giggle for more than 15 seconds, assume that I am not allowed to use it
15) I will not lock the Slytherin's and Gryffindor's in a room together and bet on which House will come out alive
16) I will not charm the suits of armor to do a rendition of "The Kinghts of the Round Table" for the Christmas Feast
17) I am not allowed to declare an official "Hug A Slytherin Day"
18) I am not allowed to sing my own personal spy music while wandering the hallways
19) It is not necessary to yell, "BURN!" Whenever Snape takes points away from Gryffindor
20) I will not say the phrase, "Get a Life" to Voldemort
21) First years are not to be fed to Fluffy
22) I will never ask Harry if his 'Voldie senses' are tingling
23) I will not make, "OMG" a spell
24) It is not necessary to yell, "BAM" every time I Apparate
25) I will not steal Gryffindor's sword from Dumbledore's office and use it to patrol the hallways
26) I will not poke Hufflepuff's with spoons, nor shall I insist that their color's indicate that they're "covered in bee's"
27) "I've heard every joke possible about Oliver Wood's name" is not a challenge
28) I will not use Umbridge's quiz to write, "Told you I was Hard Core"
29) If a class-mate falls asleep, I will not take advantage of that and draw a Dark Mark on their arm
30) House Elves are not acceptable replacements for Bludgers
31) I will not start every potion's class by asking Snape if the potion is acceptable as Body Lotion
32) I will not call the Weasly twins, "bookends"
32) I will not call the Patil twins, "bookends"
33) Tricking a school House Elf to strip off it's clothing does not make it mine. Yes, even when I yell out "PWND!"
34) Gryffindor Courage does not come in bottles labeled, "Firewhiskey"
35) I will not dress up as Voldemort on Halloween
36) It is a bad idea to tell Snape he takes himself too seriously
37) I will not tell Sir Cadogan that The Knight's Who Say Ni have challenged him to a duel, then have all the students say, 'Ni' from various directions
38) I will not tell the first years that Professor Snape is a vampire (even if I belive this to be true)
The University professor challenged his students with this question. "Did God create everything that exists?" A student bravely replied, "Yes he did!" "God created everything?" The professor asked.
"Yes sir", the student replied.
The professor answered, "If God created everything, then God created evil, since evil exists, and according to the principle that our works define who we are, then God is evil."
The student became quiet before such an answer. The professor, quite pleased with himself, boasted to the students that he had proven once more that the Christian faith was a myth. Another student raised his hand and said, "Can I ask you a question, professor?"
"Of course", replied the professor.
The student stood up and asked, "Professor, does cold exist?" "What kind of question is this? Of course it exists. Have you never been cold?" The students snickered at the young man's question.
The young man replied, "In fact, sir, cold does not exist. According to the laws of physics, what we consider cold is in reality the absence of heat. Every body or object is susceptible to study when it has or transmits energy, and heat is what makes a body or matter have or transmit energy. Absolute zero (-460F) is the total absence of heat; all matter becomes inert and incapable of reaction at that temperature. Cold does not exist. We have created this word to describe how we feel if we have no heat."
The student continued, "Professor, does darkness exist?"
The professor responded, "Of course it does."
The student replied, "Once again you are wrong, sir, darkness does not exist either. Darkness is in reality the absence of light. Light we can study, but not darkness. In fact we can use Newton 's prism to break white light into many colors and study the various wavelengths of each color. You cannot measure darkness. A simple ray of light can break into a world of Darkness and illuminate it. How can you know how dark a certain space is? You measure the amount of light present. Isn't this correct? Darkness is a term used by man to describe what happens when there is no light present."
Finally the young man asked the professor, "Sir, does evil exist?"
Now uncertain, the professor responded, "Of course as I have already said. We see it everyday. It is in the daily example of man's inhumanity to man. It is in the multitude of crime and violence everywhere in the world. These manifestations are nothing else but evil."
To this the student replied, "Evil does not exist sir, or at least it does not exist unto itself. Evil is simply the absence of God. It is just like darkness and cold, a word that man has created to describe the absence of God. God did not create evil. Evil is the result of what happens when man does not have God's love present in his heart. It's like the cold that comes when there is no heat or the darkness that comes when there is no light."
The professor sat down totally deflated.
The young man's name was Albert Einstein
1. YOUR REAL NAME:
Okay, that was odd, but fun.
Wow. I can't believe that anyone has actually read this far down. So... Congratulations, I guess! *throws confetti in the air, gives gold medal that is really molded plastic* Anyway, hope that my profile and/or stories made/make you life. And yes, I do use slashes a lot. And semicolans! And parentheses, and whatever the three little dots (...) are called... I could go on forever with this random list. Ooh! And "Random"! Like I said, forever.
37 Things to do in an Elevator
1. Crack open your briefcase or handbag, peer inside and ask "Got enough air in there?"
2. Stand silent and motionless in the corner facing the wall without getting off.
3. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act as if you're embarrassed when they open themselves.
4. Greet everyone with a warm handshake and ask him or her to call you Admiral.
5. Meow occasionally.
6. Stare at another passenger for a while. Then announce in horror: "You're one of THEM!" - and back away slowly.
7. Say "DING!" at each floor.
8. Say "I wonder what all these do?" and push all the red buttons.
9. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
10. Stare grinning at another passenger for a while, then announce: "I have new socks on."
11. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask: "Is that your beeper?"
12. Try to make personal calls on the emergency phone.
13. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers: "This is my personal space."
14. When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder, then pretend it wasn't you.
15. As you are coming to the end of the journey, get emotional and have a group hug. Tell them that you will never forget them.
16. Ask if you can push the button for other people but push the wrong ones.
17. Hold the doors open and say you're waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say "Hi Greg, How's your day been?"
18. Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream: "That's mine!"
19. Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the lift.
20. Pretend you're a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.
21. Swat at flies that don't exist.
22. Call out "Group hug!" then enforce it.
23. Make car race noises when someone gets on or off.
24. Congratulate all for being in the same lift with you.
25. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, all of you just shut UP!"
26. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
27. While the doors are opening, hurriedly whisper, "Hide it...quick!" then whistle innocently.
28. Let your cell phone ring - don't answer it.
29. Walk into the lift and say "This reminds me of being buried alive. Ah, those were the days..."
30. Take shoes off before entering. Then look shocked and disgusted when the others don't.
31. Ask people which floor they want, say in 'Who want to be a millionaire' style is that your final answer.
32. Also in your bellboy act, ask what floor they want. Whatever they say, give them a glare and say "you should be ashamed of yourself!", and leave the lift tutting.
33. Ask, "Did you feel that?"
34. Tell people that you can see their aura.
35. When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay. Don't panic, they open up again."
36. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
37. Dress up in a long, black cloak with a hood, stare and in a deep voice announce "It is time..."
38. When you get in the elevator, don't turn back around to face the doors. (This is simialr to number 2, I know, but my Dad came up with it. He's an elevator engeneer, and has been for nearly 30 years.)
39. Place a large box in between the doors, so that they cannot close. (Again, my Dad.)
40. Whistle the first seven notes of "Its a Small World" incessantly.
(\ _ /)
This is Bunny.
24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
25. And my favourite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
IMPORTANT THINGS MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME!
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
7. My mother taught t me IRONY.
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
19. My mother taught me ESP.
20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
24. And my favourite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
20 fun things to do @ WalMart:
1. Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they aren't looking.
2. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the restrooms.
4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, "'Code 3' in Housewares"... and see what happens.
5. Go up to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. Set up a tent in the camping dept. and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in if they bring pillows from the bedding dept..
8. When a desk clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?".
9. Look right into the security camera and use it as a mirror. And pick your nose.
10. While handling guns in the hunting dept., ask the clerk if he knows where in anti-depressants are.
11. Dart around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.
12. In the auto dept., practice your 'Madonna Look' using different funnels.
13. Hide in a clothing rack, and when people browse through it, say, "PICK ME! PICK ME!".
14. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream... "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!".
15. Go inot a fitting room and wait a while, and then yell, very loudly, "There's no toilet paper in here!".
16. Get several bouncy balls and throw them down an aisle, shouting, "Go, Pikachu, GO!".
17. If you can, write 'I see dead people...' on all the typewriters.
18. Unwrap all the chocolate bars, saying, "I've got to find that golden ticket.".
19. Put a Dora the Explorer doll in the middle of the store, and if someone tries to pick it up, jump out and say, "SWIPER NO SWIPING!" But remember, you have to do it 3 times.
20. Throw Skittles at people and shout, "Taste the Rainbow!".
These are ACTUAL warnings on ACTUAL products:
Liquid plummer-"Do not reuse the bottle to store beverages."
Arm and hammer scoopable cat litter-"safe to use around pets"
Endust duster-"This product is not defined flammable by the consumer products safety commission regulations. However this product can be ignited under certain circumstances"
Baby oil-"Keep out reach of children."
Hair coloring-"Do not use as an ice cream topping."
Sleeping pills-"Warning: may cause drowsiness" One would hope.
Komatsu Floodlight-"This floodlight is capable of illuminating large areas, even in the dark"
Earplugs-"These earplugs are nontoxic, but they may interfere with breathing if caught in windpipe." Are you sure? Lets experiment.
RCA television remote control-"Not dishwasher safe."
Road sign-"Caution: water on road during rain."
Hair dryer-"Do not use while sleeping" But thats the only time I have to work on my hair!
On a bar of Dial soap- "Directions: use like regaular soap" And that would be how?
Some Swann frozen dinners-"Serving sugestion: Defrost" But it's just a sugestion.
Tesco's dessert (printed on bottem of the box)-"Do not turn upside down" Too late!
Marks and Spencer Bread pudding: "Warning: product may be hot after heating." Wow, I would have never guessed!
Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." But wouldn't that save more time? Whose body?
Boots childrens cough medicine: "Do not drive or operate machinary." We could do alot to reduce construction accidents if we just kept those 5 year old off those fork lifts.
Korean kicthen knife: "Keep out of children." Hmm...I think something got lost in translation.
Christmas lights; "For indoor and outdoor use only." As opposed to outer space.
Food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." Now I'm curious.
Sainsbury's peanuts:"Warning: may contain nuts." But no peas?
American Airlines package of peanuts; "Instructions: open packet. Eat nuts." Someone got paid big bucks to write this one...
Swedish chainsaw:"Do not attept to stop chainsaw with hands." Raise your hand if you've tried this.
Child's surperman costume: "Wearing of this garmet does not enable you to fly." Oh go ahead. Thats right, destroy a universal childhood belief.
Most of the following relates to me.
I am the girl that doesn't go to school dances, or games, and when I do go, I sit in a corner and read a book. I am the girl that people look through when I say something. I am the girl that spends most of her free time reading, writing, or doing other activities that most teenagers wouldn't call normal. I am the girl that people call weird and a freak either behind my back or to my face. I am the girl that doesn't spend all her time on MySpace, or talking to a girlfriend on a cell phone or regular phone. I am the girl that hasn't been asked out in a year. I am the girl that has stopped to smell the flowers and jump and splash in the rain.
BUT I am also the girl who knows and is proud to be who she is, doesn’t care if people call her weird (it's a compliment), who loves reading and writing and doing the things that no one seems to have the time to do any more, who loves and is obsessed with fiction, who can express herself better with words than actions, who doesn't need a guy to complete her, and knows the importance of the little things. Copy and paste this onto your account, and add your name to the list, if you are anything like me, so the girls who are different and unique can know in their weakest time that they are unique but not alone: The Princess Of Whatever, Victoria of Memphis
The European Commission has just announced that English will be the official
During negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly this will make
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the
By the 4th yer pepl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining
Und after zis fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German; lik zey vunted in ze
If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl
WHAT CELEBRITIES MIGHT SAY WHEN ASKED: "WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?"
"Why would he be on a road? I thought chickens lived in the ocean..." -Jessica Simpson
cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid. Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? Yaeh and I awlyas toghuht slpeling was ipmorantt! tahts so cool!
~If you could read that, put it in your profile~
You know you live in 2010 when...
1.) You accidentally enter your password on a microwave.
2.) You haven't played solitare with real cards for years.
3.) The reason for not staying in touch with your friends is they dont have a screenname, facebook or myspace.
4.) You'd rather look all over the house for the remote instead of just pushing the buttons on the TV.
6.) Your boss doesn't even have the ability to do your job...
7.) As you read this list you keep nodding and smiling.
8.) As you read this list you think about sending it to all your friends.
9.) And you were too busy to notice number 5.
10.) You scrolled back up to see if there was a number 5.
11.) Now you are laughing at yourself stupidly.
12.) Put this in your profile if you fell for that, and you know you did
To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity
1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't DisguiseYour Voice.
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that.
5.Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.
6.In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write For Marijuana
7.Finish All Your sentences with'In Accordance With The Prophecy'.
9. Skipdown the hall Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.
10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
11.Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'.
12. Sing Along At The Opera.
14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area and Play tropical Sounds All Day.
15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You have a headache.
17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream'I Won! I Won!'
18. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'
19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner,'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'
20. And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity; Copy & Paste This Onto Your Profile!
Man: Where have you been all my life?
Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Man: Is this seat empty?
Man: Your place or mine?
Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Man: Your body is like a temple.
Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy. (He walked right into this one.)
Man: Your eyes they're amazing.
Bad Things to Hear on an Airplane Intercom
1. This is your captain speaking and I don't feel that life is worth living anymore
2. We're cruising at an altitude of... Ah hell I don't know
3. Could somebody come up here and tell me what this button does?
4. AHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Just kidding.
5. Would the flight attendant bring me a martini? And keep 'em comin'
6. This is... uh... This is... uh... your... Hmm, I seem to have lost my memory...
7. Passengers on the left side of the plane - does that engine sound funny to you?
8. Good God Steve! We're going to crash! Oops - is this intercom on?
9. We'll be on the ground in ten minutes: One way or another...
If you're loony for Lupin and you cried when he died, copy this to your profile and add your name: bubblymuggle4, IloveMoony!, CosmicalMadison, BellsAndRoses MoreThingsInHeavenAndEarth, Victoria of Memphis
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
5 Reasons Not to Mess with...small children
1: A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
2: A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
3: A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
4: The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
5: The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
REMEMBER WHEN ..
Only in America... And yes, I'm American. My country is stupid.
1. A pizza can get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Detonating a nuclear device within the city limits results in a 500 dollar fine.
· If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?
-Hello and welcome to the Mental Health Hot-line. If you are obsessive compulsive, press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent ask someone to press 2 for you. If you have multiple personalities press 3, 4, 5 and 6. If you are paranoid, we know what you are and what you want so stay on the line and we'll trace your call. If you are delusional press 7 and your call will be sent to the Mother Ship. If you are schizophrenic listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press. If you are depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer you. If you are dyslexic press 6, 9, 6, 9, 6, 9. If you have a nervous disorder fidget with the hatch key until the beep. After the beep, please wait for the beep. If you have short term memory loss, please try your call again later and if you have low self esteem, hang up; all our operators are too busy to talk to you.-
The next time someone says "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me" HIT THEM WITH A DICTIONARY!
I didn't fall for you, you tripped me.
Due to Economic Recession the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off until further notice. We're sorry for any inconvenience caused. Thank you.
The dinosaur's extinction wasn't an accident. Barney came and they all committed suicide.
My Reality Check bounced.
I don't need your attitude, I have my own.
You're a great friend, but if zombies come chasing after us, I'm tripping you.
Be the type of woman, that when your feet land on the floor when you get out of bed in the morning, the devil thinks: "Oh, crap! She's up!"
That which does not kill me had better run pretty damn fast.
Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
I didn't escape from the mental ward! Those sirens are a complete coincidence!
If a man says something, and there isn't a woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?
The word "politics" is derived from the word "poli", meaning "many", and "tics", meaning "small, blood-sucking parasites".
You laugh at me because I'm crazy, I laugh at you because there's an invisible leprechaun on your shoulder!
Last night I was looking up at the stars wondering... WHERE THE HECK IS MY CEILING?
Before you judge a person, walk a mile in his shoes. After that it doesn't matter. You're a mile away from him and you got his shoes!
Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
Screw the rules. I have money!
God creates dinosaurs. God destroys dinosaurs. God creates man. Man destroys God. Man creates dinosaurs. Dinosaurs eat man. Woman inherit the Earth!
You laugh because I'm different. I laugh because you are all the same.
If I'm nobody, and nobody's perfect, then - well, you do the math.
"We're going to die! We're going to die! I'm going to throw up, and then we're going to die!"
laughs nervously* "Heh. Nearly lost my cool there." ~ How the Grinch Stole Christmas, Live Action Version.
95% of people have a useless '95% of people...' thing copy and pasted into their profile. If you are one of the 5% of people who don't- Oh wait... Damn.
"If I were you, I'd give up."
"If I were you, I'd be ugly."
Do you like fun stuff? Then don't click!
Just remember; if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
"I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as Hell don't deserve me at my best."
You say Twilight
"God, with a sword, can make a man a king. But a king, with a sword, can only make a man a knight. A knight, with a sword, can only make a man a corpse. So... I kind of forgot where I was going there."
You say Twilight
I say Artemis Fowl
You say Vampires
I say Fairies
You say Team Edward
I say Team Arty
You think Robert Pattison is hot
I say Artemis Fowl is HOTTER
You think Bella and Edward are the perfect couple?
I think that’s Holly and Artemis
You say Cullen
I’ll say Fowl, now STAY BACK, HUMAN, YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU’RE DEALING WITH
If you update your profile every other day adding new things to your endless list of copy&pastes, copy this into your profile and add more to the never-ending list!
Time Spent In Shower:
25% Building up enough courage to turn off water and step out into cold air
20% Turning in a circle to maintain even hot water distribution
10% Catching water in your mouth and spitting it back out
10% Contemplating the hardest decisions in life
7% Washing hair
3% Washing other body parts
If you think Alex Russo and Fred Weasley would make the PERFECT couple, copy and paste this into your profile
You are not your pageveiws.
You are not your number of favorites.
You are not your number of watchers.
You are not your Goddamn llamas, either.
I agree with the dictionary. Girls before guys, partying before studying, and friends before love.
Scientists predict that, if current warming trends continue in the Arctic, two-thirds of the world's Candy canes could disappear by 2025. At the most recent meeting of the IUCN Candy Cane Specialist Group (held in Chicago in 2009), the world's leading Candy Cane scientists reported that of the 19 subpopulations of Candy Canes, eight were declining, three were stable, one was increasing, and seven had insufficient data to make a determination.
Help us stop the Extinction of Candy Canes... Eat chocolate.
I'm SKINNY, so I MUST be anorexic.
I WEAR A BIG SUNHAT when I go outside, so I MUST be stupid.
I LOVE FICTION so I MUST be detached from reality.
I'm a GENIUS so I MUST be a FRIENDLESS, ANTISOCIAL NERD that has ASPERGERS.
The Soldier stood and faced God
"Step forward you Soldier,
The Solider squared his shoulders and said
I've had to work on Sundays
But, I never took a penny
And I never passed a cry for help
I know I don't deserve a place
If you've a place for me here,
There was silence all around the throne
"Step forward now, you Soldier,
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