|i heart manga89|
I am the girl that doesn't go to school dances, or games, and when I do go, I sit in a corner and read a book. I am the girl that people look through when I say something. I am the girl that spends most of her free time reading, writing, or doing other activities that most teenagers wouldn't call normal. I am the girl that people call weird and a freak either behind my back or to my face. I am the girl that doesn't spend all her time on MySpace, or talking to a girlfriend on a cell phone or regular phone. I am the girl that hasn't been asked out in a year. I am the girl that has stopped to smell the flowers and jump and splash in the rain. BUT I am also the girl who knows and is proud to be who she is, doesn’t care if people call her weird (it's a compliment), who loves reading and writing and doing the things that no one seems to have the time to do any more, who loves and is obsessed with Twilight, who can express herself better with words than actions, who doesn't need a guy to complete her, and knows the importance of the little things.
Some girls are pretty,
some girls are wimpy,
some girls are girly,
and cry when they break a nail
but some girls are tough,
they are smart
They know how to survive on their own,
some girls are independent,
and those girls are great,
not the sissy beautiful divas,
who can't take care of themselves,
its not the looks of an girl that make her admirable,
It is all about the state of mind.
Tomboys rule!(if you don't know 'tomboy" is a girl who acts like a boy but is not lesbian
Even when you can't see Him, GOD IS THERE!! If you believe in God, then put this in your profile.
Almost all of these are true.
When it rains on my parade, I bust out my slip n’ slide.
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. Then you’re a mile away from them and you have their shoes.
In a world full of cheerios, be a fruit loop.
I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road without their motives being questioned.
When life hands you lemons, throw something harder back.
That which does not kill me…should run. FAST.
Never knock on Death’s door. Ring the doorbell and run. He HATES that.
I hear voices in my head. But that’s alright. Most of them are pretty nice.
The world is full of crazy people. They made me their leader.
It’s you and me against the world. We attack at dawn.
I run with scissors….it makes me feel dangerous.
Come to the Dark Side. We have cookies.
Give a person a fish and feed them for a day, teach ‘em how to use the internet and they won’t bother you for weeks!
I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every second of it.
Some people are only alive because it’s illegal to kill them.
Procrastinators will rule the world... Tomorrow!
You’re just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
Nine of the ten Voices in my head think I'm sane. The tenth is undecided.
Never argue with an idiot. They’ll just drag you down and beat you with experience.
10% sugar, 10% spice, 80% bitch so you better be nice.
Those stupid kids should just give that loopy rabbit some Trix already!
Your weirdness is creeping out my imaginary friend.
I didn’t say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame you.
I like you. When I rule the world, you death shall be quick and painless.
Some see the glass half empty, some see it half full. Me? I just want to know who’s been drinking my soda!
Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons for you are crunchy and good with ketchup!
You think I’m a loser. But I’m the most awesome loser you’ve ever met!
If you have an open mind why don’t your brains fall out?
Of course I’m out of mind! It’s dark and scary in there!
If I’m out of my right mind, my left one is gonna be pretty crowded.
If aliens are looking for INTELLIGENT life why are you worried?
I’m an angel, honest! The horns are just there to keep the halo straight.
If at first you don’t succeed- skydiving isn’t for you.
Whoever said nothing is impossible has never tried slamming a revolving door.
The person who smiles when something goes wrong has found someone to blame it on.
Normal people scare me….but not as much as I scare them.
Sanity? I never had such a useless thing to begin with!
If two wrongs do not make a right, try three.
There is always a light at the end of the tunnel. Of course, it is usually an oncoming train.
Just when I think you’ve said the stupidest thing ever you keep talking.
Why be difficult when with a little effort you can be impossible?
Silence is golden but duct tape is silver.
Everyone has a wild side; I just prefer to make mine public.
What is this “normal” you speak of? Stay away I don’t want to catch your “normal”!
Pssh. Normal is just a setting on the washing machine.
I used to have super powers but my therapist took them away.
Keep smiling; it makes people wonder what you’re up to.
Always take the time to smell the roses but remember sooner or later you’re gonna inhale a bee.
I believe no problem is so large or difficult that it can’t be blamed on someone else.
I never repeat myself, so pay close attention the first time, because I never repeat myself.
I’d explain it to you but your brain would explode.
When all else fails bring out the duct tape.
Don’t tell me the sky’s the limit when there are footprints on the moon!
I’m not so good with advice. May I interest you in a sarcastic comment?
I don’t lie. I create fiction with my mouth.
We’re best friends. You laugh, I laugh. You cry, I cry. You hurt, I hurt. You jump off a bridge….I’ll pick out the funereal arrangements.
The world is out to get me. Hide me in your closet and don’t let it find me.
There’s nothing better than a good friend except a good friend with chocolate!
Growing old is mandatory. Growing up is optional.
I never make stupid mistakes. Only very, very clever ones.
If annoyed further, I shall spork your eyes out.
I am who I am. I do not seek your approval.
Between two evils, I always try to pick the one I’ve never tried.
Slinky + Escalator = Endless Fun
I’m not saying you’re stupid I’m just implying it.
I’m bored…run for your sanity.
Never do anything you don’t want to explain to the cops or paramedics.
The more I think about it, the more I’m sure I’ve lost my mind. But crazy people don’t know they’re crazy so I guess I’m okay. But thinking I’m okay because I think I’m crazy is saying I don’t think I’m crazy so I may be crazy.
Who cares about hugs? I’m going to tackle you when I see you!
Life is life a corndog. I just haven’t figured out why yet.
When life hands you lemons, make apple juice and let the world wonder how.
When life gives you lemons, squirt it in life’s eye and see how much life likes lemons then.
Don’t walk in my footsteps. I tend to walk into walls or off the occasional cliff.
Some people are like lava lamps. Fun to look at but not very bright.
One day, we will look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.
I used up all my sick days so I called in dead.
Illegal Aliens Welcome!
I heart copy and pasting.
If you have your own little world, copy and paste this into your profile.
98 of teenagers do drugs, have sex, and drink alcohol...put this in your profile if you like bagels!
If You like chocolate as much as I do, copy this into your profile.
If you're one of those people who get excited when you see just two reviews, paste this into your profile.
If you spend multiple hours each day reading or writing or a combination of both...copy and paste this on your profile.
If you've ever asked a really stupid, obvious question, copy and paste this on your profile.
If there are times when you wanna annoy people just for the heck of it, copy this into your profile.
Ninety-five percent of teenagers are concerned about being popular. If you are one of the five percent who aren't, copy this, put it in your profile.
If you know who Panic! At the Disco is and know that they are NOT disco...copy this into your profile.
If you have ever tripped over air copy this into your profile.
If you wish a certain fictional character was real, copy this to your profile!
If you ever bumped into a wall, backed up, and bumped into it AGAIN, copy this to your profile
If you've ever copied and pasted something onto your profile, copy and paste this onto your profile.
If you read people's profiles looking for things to copy and paste into your profile, copy and paste.
If you think The Only Exeption shouldn't count as a Paramore song,put this on your profile.
97% of teens would cry if the Jo Bros were about to jump off the Empire State Building. Put this on your profile if you're one of the 3% that would show up with popcorn and a camera
If you're in love with a fictional character, copy and paste this onto your profile.
I found this in a profile and I think it's hilarious.
A friend will bail you outta jail, a best friend will be sitting next to you in the cell saying "Damn, that was fun!"
A good friend will help you learn how to drive, a best friend will help me roll the car into a lake to collect insurance.
A good friend will help you find your prince, a best friend will kidnap him and bring him to you.
A good friend gives you their umbrella in the rain, a best friend takes yours and tells you "Run - bitch - run!'
A good friend will help you move, a best friend will help you move the bodies.
A good friend will leave you behind if that's what the crowd is doing, a best friend will kick the whole crowds ass that left you.
A good friend has never seen you cry, a best friend won't tell anyone else that you cried... just laugh about it in private with you when you aren't down anymore.
A friend will walk into your house without ringing the doorbell or knocking, a best friend will walk in and yell,"I'm home!"
A friend will call your parents by their first names, a best friend will call them Mom and Dad.
A friend will tell you that your a great singer even if you're terrible, a best friend will tell you that you suck.
A friend will give you a shoulder to cry on when he breaks your heart, a best friend will go up to him and say, "It's because you're gay, isnt it?"
You laugh, I laugh. You cry, I cry. You hurt, I hurt. You jump off a bridge, I get a paddle boat and save your stupid...
My best friends are the kind that if my house were on fire, they'd be roasting marsh mallows and flirting with the firemen
Good friends will pick you up when your fall, BEST FRIENDS will push you back down and laugh
Good friends ask why you're crying, BEST FRIENDS already have the shovel ready to bury the loser that made you cry
Good friends will say you can do better, BEST FRIENDS will call him up and say " Write your will, you have seven days "
A good friend will say that you are over reacting, a BEST FRIEND will be laughing there butt off saying "Someones going to get it!"
10 Commandments of a Teenager
1) Thou shall not sneak out when parents are sleeping.
5) Thou shall not steal from your parents.
These are questions actually asked of
1.”Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep,
2.”The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?”
3.”Were you present when your picture was taken?”
4.”Were you alone or by yourself?”
5.”Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the
6.”Did he kill you?”
7.”How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?”
8.”You were there until the time you left, is that true?”
9.”How many times have you committed suicide?”
10. Q: “So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?”
11. Q: “She had three children, right?”
12. Q: “You say the stairs went down to the basement?”
13. Q: “Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn’t you?”
14. Q: “How was your first marriage terminated?”
15. Q: “Can you describe the individual?”
16. Q: “Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
17. Q: “Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead
18. Q: “All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did
19. Q: “Do you recall the time that you examined the body?”
20. Q: “You were not shot in the fracas?”
21. Q: “Are you qualified to give a urine sample?”
22. Q: “Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you
There are real labels.This shows how stupid people can be somemtimes.
On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. ( that's the only time I have to work on my hair).
On a bag of Fritos! ..You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special)?
On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how?...)
On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion).
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh)!
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought?...)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time?)
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and.. .I'm taking this because?...)
On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to...what?)
On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)
On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)
On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)
On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands." (...was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
"Don't follow in my footsteps. I run into walls." -Anonymous
"I love automatic doors. They make me feel like a Jedi."-A random little brother
"I reject your reality and substitute my own." -Adam Savage
"You assaulted an un-armed teenager, you snuck out in the middle of the night, and you, you…I don't know what else you did but I bet it has something to do with why the national debt is so high!" - Max to Fang in Phoenix Fanatics Diary of a Lovesick Mutant
"Holy (insert a swear word of your choice here). - Fang in TAE
"God alert! Blackjack yelled. It's the wine dude!
"You could lock the Gasman in a padded cell with some dental floss and a bowl of Jell-O, and he'd find a way to make something to explode." - Max
You need people of intelligence for this sort of mission...quest...thing."-Pippin-LOTR-FotR
"Behind every great man, is a woman rolling her eyes." - Jim Carrey (to true)
"Ok." Fang answered. "I've got a plan. Let's send Iggy to a monestary to become a monk. He'll take a vow of abstinence, and he'll never have to know!" I put my hands on my hips. "Fang, really." "Seriously!" Fang said. "And we can send Nudge to become a nun, and she can take a vow of silence! It's a great plan!" -Fang and Max from Facts of Life by St. Fang of Boredom (funniest author ever)
"I believe, if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade. Then try to find someone who's life's giving them vodka, and have a party." -Ron White.
“But you can’t buy happiness,” I said. “That’s not necessarily true,” Iggy interrupted. “I once met a very nice stripper named Happiness.” -Fang and Iggy in Diary of a Lovesick Mutant by Phoenix Fanatic.
"What kind of corrupted world are we living in where women can't use PMS as an excuse not to go to work?"-Tonks in Biscuits by dontstealmyvitaminies
"The nine most terrifying words in the English language are, "I'm from the government and I'm here to help." -Ronald Reagan
"Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one. " - Bill Gates
"We live in an age when pizza gets to your home before the police." - Jeff Marder
Fang's Timeline of Death
June- Think about confessing love. Do nothing about it but sulk in corner, looking emo
July- Think more. When all else fails, go play Xbox
August- Read Twilight. If Edward can score a chick, so can I. Find out what makes him so attractive. Apparently mythological creatures are a pretty hot specimen now
September- Bleach eyes from reading Twilight
October- Bake pies with Max. Tell her that they're "baked with love". Awww
November- Save Max's life so she owes you a life debt. If that means shoving her in front of a moving truck only to chivalrously tackle her out of the way, so be it
December- Corner Max at Christmas, telling her I know what she wants. Cue heavy, hormonal lusting and telling her that if she's a good girl this year, Santa will be very, very nice
January- Consider asking Flock for help
February- Repair damage that Flock caused from help
March- Lock self in room. Starve self until good idea
April- Make up final plans for confession
May- CONFESS LOVE-Fang writing his plan to confess his love to Max in Diary of a Lovesick Mutant by Phoenix Fanatic.
"Despite that he looks like a constipated weasel, he's great!" -someone's English teacher on Justin Beiber
some people are like Slinkies: not really good for anything, but they still bring a smile to your face, when you push them down a flight of stairs. "-idk,but it's pretty damn funny
Have you ever noticed that if you rearranged the letters in 'mother in law', they come out to 'Woman Hitler'? (makes sence)
Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us how to walk and talk, then the rest of our lives telling us to sit down and shut up
Duct tape is like the force, it has a light side and a dark side and it holds the universe together.
Evening News is where they begin with "Good Evening" then proceed to tell you why it isn't
"You're a good friend and I love you and all...but if we ever get chased by zombies, I'm totally tripping you."
There is nothing funny about Halloween. This sarcastic festival reflects, rather, an infernal demand for revenge by children on the adult world-Jean Baudrillard
It's so weird…he was such a smart little kid…puberty must have bitch slapped the intelligence out…" Lovino to Matthew in Rescue
If you solemnly swear you are up to no good, copy and paste this into your profile.
50 Things I’m Not Allowed To Do At Hogwarts:
1) The Giant Squid is not an appropriate date to the Yule Ball.
2) I am not allowed to sing, "We're Off to See the Wizard" while skipping off to the Headmaster's office.
3) I am not allowed to take out a life insurance policy on Harry Potter.
4) I am not allowed to ask Dumbledore to show me the pointy hat trick.
5) I am not allowed to give Remus Lupin a flea collar.
6) I am not allowed to bring a Magic 8 Ball to Divination.
7) I am not allowed to say that Seamus Finnegan is "after me lucky charms."
8) I am not allowed to start a betting pool on this year’s Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher. It's taste-less, tacky, and not a good money-making strategy.
9) I am not allowed to joke about Remus' "time of the month."
10) I am not allowed to make light saber sounds with my wand.
12) I am not to refer to the Accio charm as "The Force."
13) I am not allowed to claim that growing hallucinogenic mushrooms is "Extra Herbology Work."
14) I will not use my socks to make hand-puppets of the Slytherin-House mascot.
15) If the thought of a spell makes me giggle for more than 15 seconds, assume that I am not allowed to use it.
16) I will not lock the Slytherins and Gryffindors in a room together and bet on which House will come out alive.
17) I will not charm the suits of armor to do a rendition of "The Knights of the Round Table" for the Christmas Feast.
18) I am not allowed to declare an official "Hug A Slytherin Day."
19) I am not allowed to sing my own personal spy music while wandering the hallways.
20) It is not necessary to yell, "BURN!" Whenever Snape takes points away from Gryffindor.
21) I will not say the phrase, "Get a Life" to Voldemort.
22) First years are not to be fed to Fluffy.
23) I will never ask Harry if his Voldie senses are tingling.
24) I will stop referring to showering as "Giving Moaning-Myrtle an eye-full."
25) I will not make, "OMGWTH" a spell.
26) It is not necessary to yell, "BAM" every time I Apparate.
27) I will not steal Gryffindor's sword from Dumbledore's office and use it to patrol the hallways.
28) I will not poke Hufflepuffs with spoons, nor shall I insist that their color's indicate that they're "covered in bees."
29) "I've heard every joke possible about Oliver Wood's name" is not a challenge.
30) I will not go to class sky-clad.
31) I will not use Umbridge's quill to write, "Told you I was Hard Core."
32) If a class-mate falls asleep, I will not take advantage of that and draw a Dark Mark on their arm.
33) House Elves are not acceptable replacements for Bludgers.
34) I will not start every potion's class by asking Snape if the potion is acceptable as Body Lotion.
35) I will not call the Weasley twins, "bookends."
36) I will not call the Patil twins, "bookends."
37) I will not call the Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher Kenny, even if he is wearing an orange anorak.
38) I will not give Luna Lovegood Coast-To-Coast AM transcripts.
39) Tricking a school House Elf to strip of it's clothing does not make it mine. Yes, even when I yell out "PWND!"
40) I do not weigh the same as a Duck.
41) I do not have a Dalek Patronus.
42) I will not lick Trevor.
43) Gryffindor Courage does not come in bottles labeled, "Firewhiskey."
44) I will not dress up as Voldemort on Halloween.
45) It is a bad idea to tell Snape he takes himself too seriously.
46) I will not tell Sir Cadogan that The Knight's Who Say Ni have challenged him to a duel, then have all the students say, 'Ni' from various directions.
47) I am not the King of the Potato People and I do not have a flying carpet.
48) "To conquer the Earth with an army of flying monkeys" is not an acceptable career choice.
49) I will not tell the first years that Professor Snape is the Voice of God.
50) But yes, I will do it all anyway
Annoying things to do on an elevator: read this! XD Very funny!!
1) CRACK open your briefcase or handbag,
2) STAND silent and motionless in the
3) WHEN arriving at your floor, grunt
4) GREET everyone with a warm handshake
5) MEOW occasionally.
6) STARE At another passenger for a
7) SAY -DING at each floor.
8) SAY "I wonder what all these do?" And
9) MAKE explosion noises when anyone
10) STARE, grinning at another passenger
11) WHEN the elevator is silent, look
12) TRY to make personal calls on the
13) DRAW a little square on the floor
14) WHEN there's only one other person
15) PUSH the buttons and pretend they
16) ASK if you can push the button for
17) HOLD the doors open and say you're
18) DROP a pen and wail until someone
19) BRING a camera and take pictures of
20) PRETEND you're a flight attendant
21) SWAT at flies that don't exist.
22) CALL out "Group hug" then enforce it.
What I would like to do but will not do (for obvious reasons):
-Put a big pretzel stick in my hoodie's pocket so it looks like a gun and rob a bank.
-Let all of the animals at the zoo free.
-Launch a full scale attack on Nickelodeon Studios for canceling Invader Zim.
-Punch a random person in the face and then run away.
-Call NASA and tell them it's a code orange and see what happens.
-Give a random person a 10 dollar bill and watch the reaction.
-Go up to some old geezer & say "Grandpa!!! You're ALIVE!!! It's a MIRACLE!!!"
-When an announcement comes on over the loudspeaker at a store, fall to my knees dramatically and yell "God has spoken"
-Walk up to a random person and shout "I'm Normal!" or "I didn't escape from the Mad House!"
-Go to someone and ask them to take me to their leader.
-Give someone a taco and knock it out of their hand when they go to eat it.
-Shout "I Obey Gir!" at random times at random places.
-Sing the Doom Song or the 'I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves!' song to someone.
-Hack into the Pentagon
-Hack into Area 51
-Help Zim take over the world.
-Get out of bed.
-Leave a small ticking box in an elevator at a tall building and see how long it takes the bomb squad to get there.
15 things to do when you're bored and in Walmart.
1. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
More funny quotes:
EMO--Extravagently Made Origami
Life isn't passing me by, it's trying to run me over.
You laugh now because you're older than me by mere months, but when you're 30 and I'm still 29, who will be laughing then?
You say I'm not cool. But cool is another word for cold. If I'm not cold, I'm hot. I know I'm hot. Thanks for embracing it.
I don't obsess! I think intensely.
They say "Guns don't kill people, people kill people." Well I think the guns help. If you stood there and yelled BANG, I don't think you'd kill too many people
I've got ADD and magic markers. Oh, the fun I will have!
I'm not paranoid... WHICH ONE OF MY ENEMIES TOLD YOU THIS?!
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
I intend to live forever or die trying!
'Liar, liar, pants on fire' is such a crude insult. It's rough, and trashy. But, 'Teller of untruths, your trousers have combusted', is so much more sophisticated, don't you think?
When life gives you lemons, alter their DNA and make SUPER LEMONS!
An apple away keeps the doctor away, if well aimed.
I used to be normal, until I met the freaks that I call my friends
I ran with scissors, and lived!
You cry, I cry, you laugh, I laugh, you fall off a cliff, I laugh even harder
My friend's the kind of person that breaks the silence at a funeral by screaming "KUNG POW CHICKEN"
I'm the kind of girl who will burst our laughing in the middle of a dead silence because of something that happened yesterday.
BRB, I'm busy trying to jump off the roof with the kitchen broom.
Taste the rainbow- Eat CRAYONS
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
When there's a will, I want to be in it.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Always forgive your enemies - Nothing annoys them so much.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Everyone makes mistakes. The trick is to make mistakes when nobody is looking.
I'm not clumsy! The floor just hates me.
Boys are like Slinky's... useless, but fun to watch fall downstairs
Life isn't passing me by, its trying to run me over.
If you don't like the way I drive, stay off the sidewalk
I'm not littering...I'm donating to the Earth
I've got A.D.D and magic markers, oh the thrills I will have!
Life is like a pack of gum... I've yet to figure out why.
Your weirdness is creeping my imaginary friend out
HELLO AND WELCOME TO THE MENTAL HEALTH HOTLINE.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3,4,5, and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to your mother ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which button to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.
If you are dyslexic, press 96969696969696969696969696969696.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line.
If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, and date of birth, social security number and your mother's maiden name.
If you have post traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.
If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you.
This Evil Overlord List is Copyright 1996-1997 by Peter Anspach. If you enjoy it, feel free to pass it along or post it anywhere, provided that (1) it is not altered in any way, and (2) this copyright notice is attached. http://www.eviloverlord.com/lists/overlord.html
Being an Evil Overlord seems to be a good career choice. It pays well, there are all sorts of perks and you can set your own hours. However every Evil Overlord I've read about in books or seen in movies invariably gets overthrown and destroyed in the end. I've noticed that no matter whether they are barbarian lords, deranged wizards, mad scientists or alien invaders, they always seem to make the same basic mistakes every single time. With that in mind, allow me to present...
The Top 100 Things I'd Do If I ever became an Evil Overlord
My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors, not face-concealing ones.
My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.
My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.
Shooting is not too good for my enemies.
The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness.
I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them. When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No." and shoot him. No, on second thought I'll shoot him then say "No."
After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks' time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.
I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labelled "Danger: Do Not Push". The big red button marked "Do Not Push" will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be labelled as such.
I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum -- a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.
I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.
One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.
All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several rounds of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.
The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.
I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.
I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's just one thing I want to know."
When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice.
I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal distraction at a crucial point in time.
I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil, but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd betray her own father.
Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.
I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for my Legions of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman footsoldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set.
No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.
I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use. That way -- even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless -- my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and rocks.
I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line "No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!" (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)
No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of machinery which is completely indestructible except for one small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.
No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bedchamber.
I will never build only one of anything important. All important systems will have redundant control panels and power supplies. For the same reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at all times.
My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble.
I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies into confusion.
All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly thieves in the land will be preemptively put to death. My foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of comic relief.
All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected reinforcement and/or romantic subplot for the hero or his sidekick.
I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come by.
I won't require high-ranking female members of my organization to wear a stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better with a more casual dress-code. Similarly, outfits made entirely from black leather will be reserved for formal occasions.
I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.
I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X.
I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell block, let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I will keep the only key to the cell door on my person instead of handing out copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison.
If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are losing a battle, I will believe him. After all, he's my trusted lieutenant.
If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately, instead of waiting for them to grow up harboring feelings of vengeance towards me in my old age.
If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my opposite number among his army.
I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable superweapon, I will use it as early and as often as possible instead of keeping it in reserve.
Once my power is secure, I will destroy all those pesky time-travel devices.
When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey, ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of untying ropes and filching keys happens to follow him around.
I will maintain a healthy amount of skepticism when I capture the beautiful rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and good looks and will gladly betray her companions if I just let her in on my plans.
I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who work for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the odds to give the other guy a sporting chance.
I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible for what in my organization. For example, if my general screws up I will not draw my weapon, point it at him, say "And here is the price for failure," then suddenly turn and kill some random underling.
If an advisor says to me "My liege, he is but one man. What can one man possibly do?", I will reply "This." and kill the advisor.
If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I will slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting for him to mature.
I will treat any beast which I control through magic or technology with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it will not immediately come after me for revenge.
If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact which can destroy me, I will not send all my troops out to seize it. Instead I will send them out to seize something else and quietly put a Want-Ad in the local paper.
My main computers will have their own special operating system that will be completely incompatible with standard IBM and Macintosh powerbooks.
If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over the conditions in the beautiful princess' cell, I will immediately transfer him to a less people-oriented position.
I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and abandoned tunnels that I might not know about.
If the beautiful princess that I capture says "I'll never marry you! Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!", I will say "Oh well" and kill her.
I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt to double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary.
The deformed mutants and odd-ball psychotics will have their place in my Legions of Terror. However before I send them out on important covert missions that require tact and subtlety, I will first see if there is anyone else equally qualified who would attract less attention.
My Legions of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any who cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will be used for target practice.
Before employing any captured artifacts or machinery, I will carefully read the owner's manual.
If it becomes necessary to escape, I will never stop to pose dramatically and toss off a one-liner.
I will never build a sentient computer smarter than I am.
My five-year-old child advisor will also be asked to decipher any code I am thinking of using. If he breaks the code in under 30 seconds, it will not be used. Note: this also applies to passwords.
If my advisors ask "Why are you risking everything on such a mad scheme?", I will not proceed until I have a response that satisfies them.
I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding structural supports which intruders could use for cover in a firefight.
Bulk trash will be disposed of in incinerators, not compactors. And they will be kept hot, with none of that nonsense about flames going through accessible tunnels at predictable intervals.
I will see a competent psychiatrist and get cured of all extremely unusual phobias and bizarre compulsive habits which could prove to be a disadvantage.
If I must have computer systems with publically available terminals, the maps they display of my complex will have a room clearly marked as the Main Control Room. That room will be the Execution Chamber. The actual main control room will be marked as Sewage Overflow Containment.
My security keypad will actually be a fingerprint scanner. Anyone who watches someone press a sequence of buttons or dusts the pad for fingerprints then subsequently tries to enter by repeating that sequence will trigger the alarm system.
No matter how many shorts we have in the system, my guards will be instructed to treat every surveillance camera malfunction as a full-scale emergency.
I will spare someone who saved my life sometime in the past. This is only reasonable as it encourages others to do so. However, the offer is good one time only. If they want me to spare them again, they'd better save my life again.
All midwives will be banned from the realm. All babies will be delivered at state-approved hospitals. Orphans will be placed in foster-homes, not abandoned in the woods to be raised by creatures of the wild.
When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always travel in groups of at least two. They will be trained so that if one of them disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the other will immediately initiate an alert and call for backup, instead of quizzically peering around a corner.
If I decide to test a lieutenant's loyalty and see if he/she should be made a trusted lieutenant, I will have a crack squad of marksmen standing by in case the answer is no.
If all the heroes are standing together around a strange device and begin to taunt me, I will pull out a conventional weapon instead of using my unstoppable superweapon on them.
I will not agree to let the heroes go free if they win a rigged contest, even though my advisors assure me it is impossible for them to win.
When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed so that my five-year-old advisor can easily understand the details, I will not label the disk "Project Overlord" and leave it lying on top of my desk.
I will instruct my Legions of Terror to attack the hero en masse, instead of standing around waiting while members break off and attack one or two at a time.
If the hero runs up to my roof, I will not run up after him and struggle with him in an attempt to push him over the edge. I will also not engage him at the edge of a cliff. (In the middle of a rope-bridge over a river of molten lava is not even worth considering.)
If I have a fit of temporary insanity and decide to give the hero the chance to reject a job as my trusted lieutentant, I will retain enough sanity to wait until my current trusted lieutenant is out of earshot before making the offer.
I will not tell my Legions of Terror "And he must be taken alive!" The command will be "And try to take him alive if it is reasonably practical."
If my doomsday device happens to come with a reverse switch, as soon as it has been employed it will be melted down and made into limited-edition commemorative coins.
If my weakest troops fail to eliminate a hero, I will send out my best troops instead of wasting time with progressively stronger ones as he gets closer and closer to my fortress.
If I am fighting with the hero atop a moving platform, have disarmed him, and am about to finish him off and he glances behind me and drops flat, I too will drop flat instead of quizzically turning around to find out what he saw.
I will not shoot at any of my enemies if they are standing in front of the crucial support beam to a heavy, dangerous, unbalanced structure.
If I'm eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet, then have to leave the table for any reason, I will order new drinks for both of us instead of trying to decide whether or not to switch with him.
I will not have captives of one sex guarded by members of the opposite sex.
I will not use any plan in which the final step is horribly complicated, e.g. "Align the 12 Stones of Power on the sacred altar then activate the medallion at the moment of total eclipse." Instead it will be more along the lines of "Push the button."
I will make sure that my doomsday device is up to code and properly grounded.
My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use. Also, I will not construct walkways above them.
If a group of henchmen fail miserably at a task, I will not berate them for incompetence then send the same group out to try the task again.
After I captures the hero's superweapon, I will not immediately disband my legions and relax my guard because I believe whoever holds the weapon is unstoppable. After all, the hero held the weapon and I took it from him.
I will not design my Main Control Room so that every workstation is facing away from the door.
I will not ignore the messenger that stumbles in exhausted and obviously agitated until my personal grooming or current entertainment is finished. It might actually be important.
If I ever talk to the hero on the phone, I will not taunt him. Instead I will say this his dogged perseverance has given me new insight on the futility of my evil ways and that if he leaves me alone for a few months of quiet contemplation I will likely return to the path of righteousness. (Heroes are incredibly gullible in this regard.)
If I decide to hold a double execution of the hero and an underling who failed or betrayed me, I will see to it that the hero is scheduled to go first.
When arresting prisoners, my guards will not allow them to stop and grab a useless trinket of purely sentimental value.
My dungeon will have its own qualified medical staff complete with bodyguards. That way if a prisoner becomes sick and his cellmate tells the guard it's an emergency, the guard will fetch a trauma team instead of opening up the cell for a look.
My door mechanisms will be designed so that blasting the control panel on the outside seals the door and blasting the control panel on the inside opens the door, not vice versa.
My dungeon cells will not be furnished with objects that contain reflective surfaces or anything that can be unravelled.
If an attractive young couple enters my realm, I will carefully monitor their activities. If I find they are happy and affectionate, I will ignore them. However if circumstance have forced them together against their will and they spend all their time bickering and criticizing each other except during the intermittent occasions when they are saving each others' lives at which point there are hints of sexual tension, I will immediately order their execution.
Any data file of crucial importance will be padded to 1.45Mb in size.
Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless trance, I will provide each of them with free unlimited Internet access.
If you can read this,copy and paste it in your profile.
I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg.
The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid.
Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy,
it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are,
the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae.
The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm.
Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef,
but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh?
Yaeh and I awlyas toghuht slpeling was ipmorantt! tahts so cool!
kissing is healthy.bananas are good for period pain.it's good to cry.chicken soup actually makes you feel better.94 percent of boys would love it if you sent them flowers.lying is actually unhealthy.you really only need to apply mascara to your top lashes.it's actually true, boys DO insult you when they like you.89 percent of guys want YOU to make the first move.it's impossible to apply mascara with your mouth closed.chocolate will make you feel better.most boys think it's cute when you say the wrong thing.a good friend never judges.a good foundation will hide all hickeys... not that you have any.boys aren't worth your tears.we all love surprises.Now... make a wish.Wish REALLY hard!!WISH WISH WISH WISH Your wish has just been received.Copy and Paste this into your profile in the next 15 minutes and...Your wish will be granted.
In Greek~ Romans 8:38-39~ If you believe in the ONE AND ONLY TRUE GOD, Paste this into your profile
πεπεισμαι γαρ οτι ουτε θανατος ουτε ζωη ουτε αγγελοι ουτε αρχαι ουτε δυναμεις ουτε ενεστωτα ουτε μελλοντα
ουτε υψωμα ουτε βαθος ουτε τις κτισις ετερα δυνησεται ημας χωρισαι απο της αγαπης του θεου της εν χριστω ιησου τω κυριω ημων
YOUR GUY SIDE:
You love hoodies
YOUR GIRL SIDE:
You wear lip gloss/chapstick
A teenage girl about 17 named Diane had gone to visit some friends one evening and time passed quickly as each shared their various experiences of the past year. She ended up staying longer than planned, and had to walk home alone. She wasn't afraid because it was a small town and she lived only a few blocks away.
As she walked along under the tall elm trees, Diane asked God to keep her safe from harm and danger. When she reached the alley, which was a short cut to her house, she decided to take it. However, halfway down the alley she noticed a man standing at the end as though he were waiting for her. She became uneasy and began to pray, asking for God's protection. Instantly a comforting feeling of quietness and security wrapped round her, she felt as though someone was walking with her. When she reached the end of the alley, she walked right past the man and arrived home safely.
The following day, she read in the newspaper that a young girl had been raped in the same alley just twenty minutes after she had been there. Feeling overwhelmed by this tragedy and the fact that it could have been her, she began to weep. Thanking the Lord for her safety and to help this young woman, she decided to go to the police station. She felt she could recognize the man, so she told them her story. The police asked her if she would be willing to look at a lineup to see if she could identify him. She agreed and immediately pointed out the man she had seen in the alley the night before. When the man was told he had been identified, he immediately broke down and confessed. The officer thanked Diane for her bravery and asked if there was anything they could do for her. She asked if they would ask the man one question. Diane was curious as to why he had not attacked her. When the policeman asked him, he answered, "Because she wasn't alone. She had two tall men walking on either side of her." Amazingly, whether you believe or not, you're never alone. Did you know that 98 percent of teenagers will not stand up for God, and 93 percent of the people that read this won't repost it?
What a Boyfriend SHOULD do:
When she walks away from you mad
When she stares at your mouth
When she pushes you or hits you
When she starts cussing at you
When she's quiet
When she ignores you
When she pulls away
When you see her at her worst
When you see her start crying
When you see her walking
When she's scared
When she lays her head on your shoulder
When she steals your favorite hat
When she teases you
When she doesn't answer for a long time
When she looks at you with doubt
When she says that she likes you
When she grabs at your hands
When she bumps into you
When she tells you a secret
When she looks at you in your eyes
When she misses you
When you break her heart
When she says its over
When she repost this bulletin
Stay on the phone with her even if she's not saying anything.-
When she says she's ok don't believe it, talk with her- because 10 yrs later she'll remember you-
Call her at 12:00am on her birthday to tell her you love her-
Treat her like she's all that matters to you.-
Tease her and let her tease you back.-
Stay up all night with her when she's sick.-
Watch her favorite movie with her or her favorite show even if you think its stupid.-
Give her the world.-
Let her wear your clothes.-
When she's bored and sad, hang out with her.-
Let her know she's important.-
Kiss her in the pouring rain.-
When she runs up to you crying, the first thing you say is;
If you do post this in the next four minutes the one you love will :
Jesus had no servants, yet they called him Master...
He had no degree, yet they called him Teacher...
He had no medicine, yet they called him Healer...
He had no army, yet kings feared him...
He won no military battles, yet he conquered the world...
He committed no crime, yet they crucified Him...
He was buried in a tomb, yet He lives today
Feel honoured to serve such a leader who loves us...
If you believe in the tiune God, Father, Son, and Holy Ghost
then copy and paste this in your profile
If you ignore him, in the Holy Bible, Jesus says...
"If you deny me before man, I will deny you before my Father in Heaven..."
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