Poll: Who are your two favorite characters in my story, Quiet on the Golf Course? If you can, review the story to tell me what you liked best about your top two characters. Vote Now!
Author has written 5 stories for Naruto, and Hetalia - Axis Powers.
I've traveled the world twice over,
Learn as much by writing as by reading.
I am not a speed reader. I am a speed understander.
Read not to contradict and confute; nor to believe and take for granted;
I often feel sorry for people who don't read good books;
You are wise, witty and wonderful,
“I’m the stuff of your nightmares…Actually, I’m the stuff your nightmares wake up screaming about.” – Blood Captain
"I didn’t say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame you"
"Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world"
Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
War does not determine who is right - only who is left. (And that's me! I'm lefty! Hurray for the Sinister Hand!)
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
You're never too old to learn something stupid.
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the other one. Baltasar Gracián
Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing
Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it
The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing
No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse
Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut
Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts
It's not a gimme if you're still 5 feet away
The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large tree
When you look up, causing an awful shot, you will always look down again at exactly the moment when you ought to start watching the ball if you ever want to see it again
Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe
There are two things you can learn by stopping your back-swing at the top and checking the position of your hands: how many hands you have, and which one is wearing the glove
Hazards attract; fairways repel. Keep this in mind
A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours
If there is a ball on the fringe and a ball in the bunker, your ball is in the bunker. If both balls are in the bunker, yours is in the footprint
Golf is the perfect thing to do on Sunday because you always end up having to pray a lot
A good golf partner is one who's always slightly worse than you are...that's why I get so many calls to play with friends
Golf Balls are like eggs. They're white. They're sold by the dozen. And you need to buy fresh ones each week
If your opponent has trouble remembering whether he shot a six or a seven, he probably shot an eight (or worse)
VV - 02/03/11 - VV
If you easily finish one novel a day, copy this onto your profile.
If you could read a 700 page book in a day copy and paste this in your profile.
MURPHY'S LESSER-KNOWN LAWS:
If you are a person who acts friendly but has an evil mind and is secretly plotting world domination, copy and paste this into your profile.(BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!)
Post this if you found Maximum Ride: Angel Experiment on one day and the next day you absolutley needed the rest of the series. (Lucky me, I found Angel Experiment and School's Out at the same time at a book fair, picked them both up on a hunch and got addicted. Wish all my hunches turned out so good)
If you are obsessed with something considered childish for someone your age, copy this into your profile. (Where's the fun in growing up so fast?)
If you ever got hit in the face with a soccerball, football, etc., copy, paste this onto your profile, and add your name: Kaida Thorn, Gingerstar14, Squirrelflightlover, Metaknight4ever, golfer, Mewtheruler, Tameera the evil one,Bookworm73, MaliceArchangela (We joked that, after being hit so many times by all those things, they'd go into orbit around my head)
If you are one of the proud teens/adults who have a v-o-c-a-b-u-l-a-r-y and do not limit themselves to "omg!" and "Like, that is, like, so, like, totally awsome...!". copy and paste this into your profile.
If reading is a buzzilion times better than watching brain-numbing TV, copy and paste this into your profile.
I am the girl that doesn't go to school dances, or games, and when I do go, I sit in a corner and read a book.
.eliforp ruoy otni etsap dna ypoc ,sdrawkcab siht daer ot hguone trams era uoy fI
V V - 03/08/11 - V V
Welcome to the Dark Side! (are you surprised we lied about the cookies?)
There's nothing wrong with arguing with yourself. It's when you argue with yourself and LOSE when it's weird. If you agree, copy this and put it in your profile.
I'd like to have a battle of wits with you but I don't fight people that are unarmed.
The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.
Smile. It makes the world wonder what you're up to.
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:
I am on a quest to the deepest, darkest corners of my room in search of what some would call "a floor" - a long and difficult task awaits me.
Knowledge is power; power is the root of all evil. Therefore study to be evil.
VV - 03/27/10 - VV
I'm that girl
The one that likes books more than boys.
The one who pretends not to be sad, just to make others happy
The one who always wonders what she did wrong
The one who writes to escape
The one who just wants to help
The one that really wants to make a difference
The one that sticks to her values
The one that refuses to believe that this is it
The one that will do anything to make a better tomorrow
The one who won't give in
The one won't give up
-by linguisticsrock, Copy and Paste if you can relate to this.
I don't suffer from insanity I enjoy every minute of it.
The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.
I've been given sugar. Please use this time to prepare for the end of the world
Girls Don't realize these things;
that I bought you roses to tell you that I like you
That I was raised with respect not to sleep with you when you were drunk
That my body's not ripped enough to "satisfy" your wants
that I open your car door, and pull out your chair like I was raised
That I'm not cute enough to be "your guy"
That I am actually nice; not a jerk
I don't have a huge bank account to buy you expensive things
I like to spend quality nights at home cuddling with you, instead of at a club
I would rather make love to you then just screw you like some random guy.
That I am always the one you need to talk to, but never good enough to date
That I always held your hair back when you threw up, and didn't get mad at you for puking in my car, but when we went out you went home with another guy
That I am there to pick you up at 4am when your new man hit you and dropped you off in the middle of nowhere, but not good enough to listen to me when I need a friend
If I start not being there because it hurts being used as a door mat, only to be thrown to the side when the new jerk comes around
If I don't answer my phone anymore when you call, to listen to you cry for hours, instead of getting a couple hours of sleep before work
that you can't realize.. I've been the one all along.
If you read this and know somebody like this but don't care
But most of all
For not being sorry anymore
That you can't accept me for who I am
I can never do anything right, and nothing that I do is good enough to make it in your world.
I caught your boyfriend with another girl and told you about it, I thought that was what friends were for...
That I told you I loved you and actually meant it.
That I talked to you for nine hours on Thanksgiving when your boyfriend was threatening you instead of spending time with my family.
That I cared
that I listen to you at night talking about how you wish you could have done something different.
Ladies always complain and gripe to their friends that there is never any good guys out there, and they always end up with assholes who mistreat them. Well ladies, next time you're complaining, maybe look up to see who you're complaining to, maybe that special someone is right there hanging on your every word as usual, screaming in his head "Why won't you give me a chance?"
Because the person you are usually searching for is right by you.
If you're a guy and you agree with this letter, copy and paste into your profile as 'I'm sorry'
If You're one of the FEW girls with enough BALLS to copy and paste this into your profile, and you would never make your guy feel this way, copy and paste into your profile as 'Girls Don't Realize These Things'
VV - 06/09/11 - VV
Don't piss me off today; I'm running out of places to hide the bodies
It's not about waiting for the storm to pass...it's about screaming with the thunder, running with the lightning, and learning to dance in the rain.
MENtal pain, MENtal anxiety, MENstrual cramps, MENopause... all our problems start with men!
I'm not shy, I'm just quietly plotting you imminent doom.
I'm smiling... that alone should scare you.
Adults always blame our generation, but have they ever stopped to think who raised us? Copy and paste if you agree!
If you get a kick out of fire, fireworks, explosions, and things that burn or go boom, copy and paste this into your profile!
The one who smiles the most is the one who's the most broken.
I didn't steal it I just borrowed it without permission and with no intention of giving it back...ever...
I've got a shovel and an acre of land. I don't think anybody will miss you.
If you easily finish one novel a day, copy this onto your profile.
Careful, or you'll end up in my novel
Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.
Today, I'm giving out butt-kickings and lollipops and I'm all out of lollipops
Stress is when you wake up screaming, and then realize that you haven’t fallen asleep yet
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye. -unknown
I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life?
There cannot be a crisis this week!; my schedule is full.
Would you like a cookie? So would I.
Sanity? I never had such a useless thing to begin with!
That that is, is. That that is not, is not. That that is is not that that is not, and that that is not is not that that is.
If I had any dignity that would have been humiliating
Heaven doesn't want me and Hell is afraid I'll take over.
I'd tell you to go to hell, but I work there and really don't want to see you everyday
I've been given sugar. Please use this time to prepare for the end of the world.
So many boys, such little minds (found this on a magnet!)
You! With the hair nicer than mine! Off my planet!
I never said I was normal, you just presumed I was.
I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.
Don't mind the horns; they're just there to support my halo.
You cry, I cry. You laugh, I laugh. You jump off a cliff, I laugh harder
Don't follow in my footsteps, I tend to walk into walls
One day your prince will come. Mine? Oh, he just took a wrong turn, got lost, and is too stubborn to ask directions.
Vegetarian: Tribal slang for the village idiot who cannot hunt
Bad things to hear on an airplane
VV - 06/10/11 - VV
If you think that Tenten is awesome and deserves more screentime, copy and paste this into your profile.
VV - 07/11/11 - VV
Things I am not allowed to do at Hogwarts:
1) Seamus Finnigan is not after me lucky charms
2) I will not sing "We're Off to See the Wizard" when sent to the Headmaster's office.
3) I will not bring a Magic Eight Ball to Divination class
4) I will not, under any circumstances, ask Harry Potter who died and made him boss
5) Professor Flitwick's first name is not Yoda
6) Remus Lupin does not want a flea collar
7) First years are not allowed to be fed to Fluffy
8) I will not make any jokes about Lupin and his "time of the month"
9) I will not give Hagrid Pokemon cards and convince him they're real animals
10) I will not sing the Badger Song during Hufflepuff-Slytherin quidditch matches
12) When Death Eaters are attacking Hogsmeade, I shall not point at the Dark Mark and shout "To the Batmoblie, Robin!"
13) When a class-mate falls asleep, I shall not take advantage of the fact and draw a Dark Mark on his arm.
14) It's not necessary for me to yell "BURN!" every time Snape takes house points from Gryffindor
15) Any resemblance between Dementors and Nazgul is simply coincidental
16) I will not refer to the Weasley Twins as "bookends"
17) I will not scare the Arithmancy students with my Calculus book.
18) I will not hold my wand in the air before I casting spells shouting "I got the power!"
19) Its not necessary for me to yell "Bamf!" every time I apparate.
20) I am not allowed to sing my own personal spy music when wandering the halls.
21) "To conquer the earth with flying monkeys" is not an appropriate career choice.
22) I am not allowed to make lightsaber sounds with my wand.
23) I am not allowed to paint the house elves blue and call them smurfs.
24) I will not slip Malfoy a Love Potion in his morning goblet of Pumpkin Juice.
25) I will not say the phrase "Dude, get a life" to Voldemort.
26) Should I chance to see a Death Eater wearing a white mask, I should not start singing anything from The Phantom of the Opera.
27) I will not refer to the Accio charm as "the Force".
28) I will not call Dumbledore "Santa Claus!" during the Christmas Holidays.
29) I will not put Muggle fairy book in the History section at the library.
30) I will not send Snape a bottle of shampoo for Christmas.
31.)I will not use Umbridge's quill to write, "I told you I was hardcore".
32.)House elves are not acceptable replacements for Bludgers.
33.) Starting a betting pool on the fate of this year's Defense Against Dark Arts teacher is tasteless and tacky, not a clever moneymaking concept.
34.)I am not allowed to tell Hufflepuffs there is no Santa Clause.
35.) I am not allowed to refer to myself as the New Dark Lord.
36.)I am not allowed to sneak into Professor Snape's private chambers to watch him sing "I Will Survive in the mirror", as it is disturbing.
37.) I am not allowed to steal Professor Flitwicks wand, hold it over my head and laugh as he tries to reach it.
38.)I will not replace Madam Pomfrey's Skele-Gro with pumpkin juice.
39.) I will not replace Professor Snape's pumpkin juice with Skele-Gro.
40.) I will not impersonate the Swedish Chef in Potions class.
41.)The next time that I see Rita Skeeter, I am not to threaten her with a can of Raid.
42.)I will not subvert the lock on the fourth-floor girls' bathroom and sell its location to first-years as "The Chamber of Secrets".
43.)When applying for a post at the Ministry of Magic after graduation, I should not cite "Fred and George Weasley" as my greatest influence at Hogwarts.
44.)Putting down "Lord Voldemort" is probably not best either.
45.)A Muggle "vacuum cleaner" is not acceptable Quidditch equipment, even if it has been enchanted to fly.
46.) Hogsmeade village is not "a wretched hive of scum and villainy. “
47.)I will not tell Professor Trelawney that I prophesied her death.
48.). I will also not tell Professor Trelawney that I had a vision of her killing the Dark Lord.
49.)Sending rings to the nine senior faculty at Yuletide, with the return address "Voldemort", is not funny.
50.)Insisting that the school acquire computers and network the buildings is a pointless request as they claim that a quill and parchment is sufficient.
51.)Calling the Ghost-busters is a cruel joke to play on the resident ghosts and poltergeists.
52.)I may not have a private army.
53.) I must not substitute chocolate-flavored laxative for Professor Lupin's prescription-strength chocolate.
54.)Nor am I to in any way substitute, alter, hide, or otherwise tamper with Professor Dumbledore's candy.
55.)I am not the wicked witch of the west.
56.) -I will not refer to Professor Umbridge as such either.
57.) I will not melt if water is poured over me.
58.) -Neither will Professor Umbridge.
59.)I shouldn't use Photo-shop to create incriminating photos of my house prefects or tutors.
60.)I will not enchant the Golden Snitch to fly up the nearest fan's nose.
61.) I do not know the Avada Kedavra curse, and pretending I do to people who annoy me is not funny, no matter how much they injure themselves diving for cover.
62.) I will not test my Potions assignments by spiking Snape's drink with them.
63.) - Especially not all of them at once.
64.) I will not try to hock off my old piercings as "priceless Muggle artifacts."
65.) I will not claim my X-Files tapes are "Auror Training Videos."
66.)Professor Snape definitely does not have pointed ears, and under no circumstances is he to be addressed as 'Spock'.
67.)I am not able to see the Grim Reaper, nor am I to claim that he is standing by the Headmaster, tapping an hourglass and looking at him impatiently. Or, for that matter, Harry Potter.
68.)When being interrogated by a member of staff, I am not to wave my hand and announce 'These are not the droids you are looking for'.
69.)Thestrals do not resemble the Muggle toys known as 'My Little Pony'.
70.)The four Houses are not the Morons, the Borons, the Smarts and the Junior Death Eaters.
71.)I am not authorized to negotiate a peace treaty with Voldemort.
72.)Despite my personal beliefs, Quidditch would not be improved by the introduction of muggle firearms.
73.)Though they are doubtless more athletic, battle-axes are not acceptable either.
74.)I will not claim there is a prequel to Hogwarts, A History that explains about Bilbo Baggins.
75.)I will not use the Marauder's Map for stalking purposes.
76.)I am not allowed to introduce Peeves to paint-balling.
77.)I am not allowed to ask Professor Dumbledore if the size of his beard is 'compensating for something'.
78.)I will not create a betting pool on that Voldemort is Harry Potter's father.
79.)Headmaster Dumbledore is of no relation to Willy Wonka.
80.)Professor Snape's proper given name is not Princess Silvermoon Fairywing GlimmerMcSparkles.
81.) I will not take out a life insurance policy on Harry Potter.
82.)Harry Potter and Ron Weasley are not the magical equivalent of "Batman and Robin".
83.)I will not play the Imperial March theme for Professor Snape.
84.). - However, when Lucius Malfoy visits, I may play it.
85.)If I insist on carrying out my plans of producing "Riddle-de-dee: "The Voldemort Musical", I will do so under a nom-de-plume.
86.) I will not attempt to recruit the title character to play himself. Even if he looks good in tap shoes.
87.)I should not refer to Malfoy, Crabbe and Goyle collectively as "Team Rocket" either.
88.)I am not allowed to discuss my theory that Voldemort is actually the second cousin of Sauron.
89.)I am not a 'ninja sent here by Lord Voldemort to destroy Harry Potter' and should stop shouting this at meal times.
90.)It's not tasteful to approach Cho wearing a shirt that says All the good looking ones die young with a picture of Cedric Diggory on it.
91.)I will not yell "Hey look It's Lord Voldemort!" at Hogsmeade
92.)I will not tease Voldemort about the time he needed his pink flowery teddy bear to comfort him when he had that bad bad nightmare about Harry
93.)I will not charm a poster of Britney Spears on Draco's wall
94.) I am not allowed to claim that growing marijuana or hallucinogenic mushrooms is "Extra Herbology Work."
95.) I will not use my socks to make hand-puppets of the Slytherin-House mascot.
96.) If the thought of a spell makes me giggle for more than 15 seconds, assume that I am not allowed to use it.
97.) I will not lock the Slytherins and Gryffindors in a room together and bet on which House will come out alive.
98.) I will not charm the suits of armor to do a rendition of "The Knights of the Round Table" for the Christmas Feast.
99.) I am not allowed to declare an official "Hug A Slytherin Day."
100.) I will never ask Harry if his Voldie senses are tingling.
101.)I will not steal Gryffindor's sword from Dumbledore's office and use it to patrol the hallways.
102.) I will not dress up as Voldemort on Halloween.
103.) It is a bad idea to tell Snape he takes himself to seriously.
104.) I will not tell Sir Cadogan that The Knight's Who Say Ni have challenged him to a duel, then have all the students say, 'Ni' from various directions.
105.) I am not the King of the Potato People and I do not have a flying carpet.
106.) I am not allowed to begin each Herbology class by singing the theme song to “Attack of the Killer Tomatoes.”
107.) I will not dress up as Voldemort for Halloween.
108.) I will not call Professor McGonagall “McGoogles”.
109.) I will not sing the entire Multiplication Rocks series during Arithmacy exams.
110.) Dumbledore is not Gandalf, and the Triforce is not hidden in Hogwarts.
111.) There is no such thing as the chamber of Double Secret Probation.
112.) My name is not “the Dark Lord Happy-Pants” I am not allowed to sign my papers as such.
113.) Bringing fortune cookies to divination class does not count for extra credit.
114.) I will not douse Harry Potter’s invisibility cloak with lemon juice to see if he will become visible while wearing it and standing by the fire in the common room.
115.) I will not tell first years they should build a tree house in the Whomping Willow.
116.) I will not teach the house elves to impersonate Jar Jar Binks.
117.) I will not give Gryffindors pixie sticks.
118.) I am not allowed to refer to Susan Bones, Hannah Abbot, and Justin Finch-Fletchley as Blossom, Buttercup, and Bubbles.
119.) A time turner is not a flux capacitator I should therefore not try to install it in a muggle car.
120.) I shall not refer to DADA professors as canaries in a coal mine.
121.) When fighting death-eaters in the annual June good vs. evil fight I will not lift my wand skyward and shout “There can only be ONE”.
122.) A wand is for magic only, it is not for picking noses, playing snooker, or playing drums no matter how bored I become.
123.) It is generally accepted that cats and dragons can not interbreed and I should not attempt to disprove this theory no matter how wicked the results would be.
124.) 42 is not the answer to every question on the O.W.L.S.
125.) I am allowed to have a cat, rat, toad, or an owl. I am not allowed to have reticulated python, snow leopard, Tasmanian devil, or piranha.
126.) No matter how good an Australian accent I can do I will not imitate Steve Irwin during Care of Magical Creatures class.
127.) I will not refer to the Defense against the Dark arts professor as Kenny, even if he is wearing an orange anorak.
Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars thinking, where the heck is the ceiling?!
Don't mess with me. I have a stick.
You laugh because I'm different. I laugh because you're all the same.
Life isn't passing me by. It's trying to run me over!
VV - 11/10/2011 - VV
I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three. - Elayne Boosler”
VV - 11/25/2011 - VV
Amateurs built the Ark. Professionals built the Titanic
I like you. When I rule the world your death will be quick and painless.
VV - 12/04/2011 - VV
"It is perfectly monstrous the way people go about nowadays saying things against one behind one's back that are absolutely and entirely true" - Lord Henry, The Picture of Dorian Gray
VV - 01/03/2012 - VV
The Top 100 Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord 1. My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors, not face-concealing ones.
2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.
3. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.
4. Shooting is not too good for my enemies.
5. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness.
6. I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.
7. When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No." and shoot him. No, on second thought I'll shoot him then say "No."
8. After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks' time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.
9. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labelled "Danger: Do Not Push". The big red button marked "Do Not Push" will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be labelled as such.
10. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum -- a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.
11. I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.
12. One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.
13. All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several rounds of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.
14. The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.
15. I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.
16. I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's just one thing I want to know."
17. When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice.
18. I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal distraction at a crucial point in time.
19. I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil, but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd betray her own father.
20. Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.
21. I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for my Legions of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman footsoldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set.
22. No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.
23. I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use. That way -- even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless -- my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and rocks.
24. I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line "No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!" (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)
25. No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of machinery which is completely indestructible except for one small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.
26. No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bedchamber.
27. I will never build only one of anything important. All important systems will have redundant control panels and power supplies. For the same reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at all times.
28. My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble.
29. I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies into confusion.
30. All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly thieves in the land will be preemptively put to death. My foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of comic relief.
31. All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected reinforcement and/or romantic subplot for the hero or his sidekick.
32. I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come by.
33. I won't require high-ranking female members of my organization to wear a stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better with a more casual dress-code. Similarly, outfits made entirely from black leather will be reserved for formal occasions.
34. I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.
35. I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X.
36. I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell block, let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I will keep the only key to the cell door on my person instead of handing out copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison.
37. If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are losing a battle, I will believe him. After all, he's my trusted lieutenant.
38. If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately, instead of waiting for them to grow up harboring feelings of vengeance towards me in my old age.
39. If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my opposite number among his army.
40. I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable superweapon, I will use it as early and as often as possible instead of keeping it in reserve.
41. Once my power is secure, I will destroy all those pesky time-travel devices.
42. When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey, ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of untying ropes and filching keys happens to follow him around.
43. I will maintain a healthy amount of skepticism when I capture the beautiful rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and good looks and will gladly betray her companions if I just let her in on my plans.
44. I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who work for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the odds to give the other guy a sporting chance.
45. I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible for what in my organization. For example, if my general screws up I will not draw my weapon, point it at him, say "And here is the price for failure," then suddenly turn and kill some random underling.
46. If an advisor says to me "My liege, he is but one man. What can one man possibly do?", I will reply "This." and kill the advisor.
47. If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I will slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting for him to mature.
48. I will treat any beast which I control through magic or technology with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it will not immediately come after me for revenge.
49. If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact which can destroy me, I will not send all my troops out to seize it. Instead I will send them out to seize something else and quietly put a Want-Ad in the local paper.
50. My main computers will have their own special operating system that will be completely incompatible with standard IBM and Macintosh powerbooks.
51. If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over the conditions in the beautiful princess' cell, I will immediately transfer him to a less people-oriented position.
52. I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and abandoned tunnels that I might not know about.
53. If the beautiful princess that I capture says "I'll never marry you! Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!", I will say "Oh well" and kill her.
54. I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt to double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary.
55. The deformed mutants and odd-ball psychotics will have their place in my Legions of Terror. However before I send them out on important covert missions that require tact and subtlety, I will first see if there is anyone else equally qualified who would attract less attention.
56. My Legions of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any who cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will be used for target practice.
57. Before employing any captured artifacts or machinery, I will carefully read the owner's manual.
58. If it becomes necessary to escape, I will never stop to pose dramatically and toss off a one-liner.
59. I will never build a sentient computer smarter than I am.
60. My five-year-old child advisor will also be asked to decipher any code I am thinking of using. If he breaks the code in under 30 seconds, it will not be used. Note: this also applies to passwords.
61. If my advisors ask "Why are you risking everything on such a mad scheme?", I will not proceed until I have a response that satisfies them.
62. I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding structural supports which intruders could use for cover in a firefight.
63. Bulk trash will be disposed of in incinerators, not compactors. And they will be kept hot, with none of that nonsense about flames going through accessible tunnels at predictable intervals.
64. I will see a competent psychiatrist and get cured of all extremely unusual phobias and bizarre compulsive habits which could prove to be a disadvantage.
65. If I must have computer systems with publically available terminals, the maps they display of my complex will have a room clearly marked as the Main Control Room. That room will be the Execution Chamber. The actual main control room will be marked as Sewage Overflow Containment.
66. My security keypad will actually be a fingerprint scanner. Anyone who watches someone press a sequence of buttons or dusts the pad for fingerprints then subsequently tries to enter by repeating that sequence will trigger the alarm system.
67. No matter how many shorts we have in the system, my guards will be instructed to treat every surveillance camera malfunction as a full-scale emergency.
68. I will spare someone who saved my life sometime in the past. This is only reasonable as it encourages others to do so. However, the offer is good one time only. If they want me to spare them again, they'd better save my life again.
69. All midwives will be banned from the realm. All babies will be delivered at state-approved hospitals. Orphans will be placed in foster-homes, not abandoned in the woods to be raised by creatures of the wild.
70. When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always travel in groups of at least two. They will be trained so that if one of them disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the other will immediately initiate an alert and call for backup, instead of quizzically peering around a corner.
71. If I decide to test a lieutenant's loyalty and see if he/she should be made a trusted lieutenant, I will have a crack squad of marksmen standing by in case the answer is no.
72. If all the heroes are standing together around a strange device and begin to taunt me, I will pull out a conventional weapon instead of using my unstoppable superweapon on them.
73. I will not agree to let the heroes go free if they win a rigged contest, even though my advisors assure me it is impossible for them to win.
74. When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed so that my five-year-old advisor can easily understand the details, I will not label the disk "Project Overlord" and leave it lying on top of my desk.
75. I will instruct my Legions of Terror to attack the hero en masse, instead of standing around waiting while members break off and attack one or two at a time.
76. If the hero runs up to my roof, I will not run up after him and struggle with him in an attempt to push him over the edge. I will also not engage him at the edge of a cliff. (In the middle of a rope-bridge over a river of molten lava is not even worth considering.)
77. If I have a fit of temporary insanity and decide to give the hero the chance to reject a job as my trusted lieutentant, I will retain enough sanity to wait until my current trusted lieutenant is out of earshot before making the offer.
78. I will not tell my Legions of Terror "And he must be taken alive!" The command will be "And try to take him alive if it is reasonably practical."
79. If my doomsday device happens to come with a reverse switch, as soon as it has been employed it will be melted down and made into limited-edition commemorative coins.
80. If my weakest troops fail to eliminate a hero, I will send out my best troops instead of wasting time with progressively stronger ones as he gets closer and closer to my fortress.
81. If I am fighting with the hero atop a moving platform, have disarmed him, and am about to finish him off and he glances behind me and drops flat, I too will drop flat instead of quizzically turning around to find out what he saw.
82. I will not shoot at any of my enemies if they are standing in front of the crucial support beam to a heavy, dangerous, unbalanced structure.
83. If I'm eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet, then have to leave the table for any reason, I will order new drinks for both of us instead of trying to decide whether or not to switch with him.
84. I will not have captives of one sex guarded by members of the opposite sex.
85. I will not use any plan in which the final step is horribly complicated, e.g. "Align the 12 Stones of Power on the sacred altar then activate the medallion at the moment of total eclipse." Instead it will be more along the lines of "Push the button."
86. I will make sure that my doomsday device is up to code and properly grounded.
87. My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use. Also, I will not construct walkways above them.
88. If a group of henchmen fail miserably at a task, I will not berate them for incompetence then send the same group out to try the task again.
89. After I captures the hero's superweapon, I will not immediately disband my legions and relax my guard because I believe whoever holds the weapon is unstoppable. After all, the hero held the weapon and I took it from him.
90. I will not design my Main Control Room so that every workstation is facing away from the door.
91. I will not ignore the messenger that stumbles in exhausted and obviously agitated until my personal grooming or current entertainment is finished. It might actually be important.
92. If I ever talk to the hero on the phone, I will not taunt him. Instead I will say this his dogged perseverance has given me new insight on the futility of my evil ways and that if he leaves me alone for a few months of quiet contemplation I will likely return to the path of righteousness. (Heroes are incredibly gullible in this regard.)
93. If I decide to hold a double execution of the hero and an underling who failed or betrayed me, I will see to it that the hero is scheduled to go first.
94. When arresting prisoners, my guards will not allow them to stop and grab a useless trinket of purely sentimental value.
95. My dungeon will have its own qualified medical staff complete with bodyguards. That way if a prisoner becomes sick and his cellmate tells the guard it's an emergency, the guard will fetch a trauma team instead of opening up the cell for a look.
96. My door mechanisms will be designed so that blasting the control panel on the outside seals the door and blasting the control panel on the inside opens the door, not vice versa.
97. My dungeon cells will not be furnished with objects that contain reflective surfaces or anything that can be unravelled.
98. If an attractive young couple enters my realm, I will carefully monitor their activities. If I find they are happy and affectionate, I will ignore them. However if circumstance have forced them together against their will and they spend all their time bickering and criticizing each other except during the intermittent occasions when they are saving each others' lives at which point there are hints of sexual tension, I will immediately order their execution.
99. Any data file of crucial importance will be padded to 1.45Mb in size.
100. Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless trance, I will provide each of them with free unlimited Internet access.
(This Evil Overlord List is Copyright 1996-1997 by Peter Anspach. If you enjoy it, feel free to pass it along or post it anywhere, provided that, one, it is not altered in any way, and, two, this copyright notice is attached.)
Sesshi-chan’s Submissions to the Evil Overlord List:
If I must have a child, I will not favor them over my trusted lieutenant. Good lieutenants are hard to find and children are fairly easy to get. Anyway, children tend to do pesky things like think they have what it takes to destroy me.
If there is a prophecy that declares I will be killed by a child who meets specific criteria I will disregard it. Psychics are unreliable anyway and to pay attention to the prophecy would only make the child in question think they were destined to defeat me or something. I do know basic psychology.
I will not decide to punish a village for the crimes of one person. As fun as it is, it tends to create rebels who "have nothing to lose". These people tend to avoid company except at the climax when they unexpectedly come to the rescue of the hero, sacrificing themselves to kill me.
To execute someone important, I will not do it in a showy way. I will privately have them tied up and throw them into a room where they shall be killed by a hail of bullets from all sides. Following that, the chamber shall be filled with toxic gas and then the body shall be cut apart, the brains and heart will be removed and then burned. The ashes shall be scattered. Heroes have a knack of living which can be a pain. Public executions tend to make the person's romantic counterpart appear and save them which is irritating.
When I have public executions, I will already have had the person killed and their place taken by one of my brainwashed underlings who is happy to die and will pretend to be the hero. They shall say that all attempts to kill me are futile, that I am supreme and that they were just looking for power. This should both prevent a rescue and the dead from being seen as a martyr.
I will not decorate my castle with spider webs. It does not help morale or my image.
I will not allow myself to develop monomania. The thing which I want can be gotten through other means or I can live without it.
Thorough background checks shall be given to all my bodyguards.
Regardless of my romantic desires, I will not steal the lovers/spouses of any of my subordinates or enemies. Sexual tension centered around freeing loved ones is silly.
I will not send the brainwashed former friend of the hero to kill them, nor will I let this person into my confidence. Brainwashings do fail.
All rebels groups shall be secretly undermined by the introduction of the political system. This should make all of them become jaded and separate.
I shall not leave a calling card. Likewise, I shall not tell my enemies my name.
My goals are not to be told to anyone. When the hero finds them out, they tend to try to thwart me.
The location of my stronghold is not to be told to all of my underlings. That is confidential.
To flush out the heroes hidden among my ranks, I shall send a clone of myself to walk through the garden near them. The hero will not hesitate to attempt to kill me.
I shall play pop music inside my castle which will be furnished like a department store, complete with insane sales-people. This should confuse the hero.
"Once upon a time, watching over a girl in her sleep used to be romantic. Nowadays it's considered "stalking"." - Deadpool
"The nature of comedy is tragedy. It's funny... it's funny because it's happening to somebody else." - Charles Schulz
"I need help! And a pony!" - Deadpool (Marvel: Ultimate Alliance)
"Sir! Yes Sir! Stowing all stupid thoughts! Uh, is that vein on your forehead meant to be throbbing like that?" - Deadpool (Marvel: Ultimate Alliance)
"Wait, we're going to fight Dr. Doom? No one told me we were going to fight Doom! I want my lawyer! I want my mummy! I want my lawyer's mummy!" - Deadpool (Marvel: Ultimate Alliance)
"Whatever happens, remember to protect me." - Deadpool (Marvel: Ultimate Alliance)
"Strike a pose!" - Deadpool (Hulk Vs.)
"Welcome to Loserville. Population: You." - Deadpool (X-Men Legends II: Rise of the Apocalypse)
"Me? Yeah, I'm fine. I just have an uncontrollable urge to rip you to tiny shreds and then dance and spit all over your graves." - Deadpool (X-Men Legends II: Rise of the Apocalypse)
"I'm really good at killing. You might say it's my specialty. That and ballroom dancing. But guess which one I can actually make a living at." - Deadpool (X-Men Legends II: Rise of the Apocalypse)
"But did either of us truly win?" - Deadpool (X-Men Legends II: Rise of the Apocalypse)
"EVERYBODY! Shield me with your bodies!" - Deadpool (X-Men Legends II: Rise of the Apocalypse)
"I'm killing indiscriminately, and it's okay." - Deadpool (Marvel: Ultimate Alliance 2)
"I refuse to say some clever quip because *you* set down the controller." - Deadpool (Marvel: Ultimate Alliance 2)
"All I ever wanted was to travel off in exotic places and meet new exciting people and then kill them, so I became a mercenary. My name is Wade Wilson. And I love what I do." - Wade Wilson/Deadpool (X-Men Origins: Wolverine)
"Hey! Yeah, you! I'm down here bustin' my ass while you sit on yours watching me jump around? How is that fair?" - Deadpool (Marvel vs Capcom 3: Fate of Two Worlds)
"AAAAAAAAGHHH!! Packing chips!That's the greatest weapon on the face of the planet -- styrofoam packing chips! Just imagine getting nailed by some of these babies!Oh the humanity!" - Wade Wilson/Deadpool
"I'll hold your hair back while you puke, cuz that's just the kinda guy I am" - Wade Wilson/Deadpool
"Shhh. My common sense is tingling" - Wade Wilson/Deadpool
"I've been besmirched!This besmirchment will not stand!" - Wade Wilson/Deadpool
"Now this chair is really comfortable. Yeah. But can it Explode?! Didn't think so." - Wade Wilson/Deadpool
"We're not gonna haveta kiss or anythin'... are we?" - Deadpool (Cable & Deadpool #3)
"So I'm thinkin' a temple of blind, deaf an' mute monks ain't the best place to carry on this conversation, huh?" - Deadpool
"I'll tell you the truth when you tell me." - Deadpool
VV - - 08/09/2012 - - VV
Meaning of Each Letter in Your Name
B: Loves people
C: A good kisser
D: Makes people laugh
E: Has gorgeous eyes
F: People wild and crazy adore you
G: Very outgoing
H: Easy to fall in love with
I: Loves to smile and laugh
J: Really sweet
K: Really silly
L: Smile to die for
M: Makes dating fun
N: Can kick the crap out of you
O: Has one of the best personalities ever
P: Popular with all types of people
Q: A hypocrite
R: Good boyfriend/girlfriend
T: A very good kisser
U: Is very flirtatious.
V: Not judgemental
W: Very broad minded
X: Never let people tell you what to do
Y: Is loved by everyone
Z: Can be funny and dumb at times
"667. Evil and then some."
"Always forgive your enemies, because nothing annoys them more."
"And to think, you're the end result of millions of years of evolution."
"A nuclear war can ruin your whole day.
"Are you a side effect of my medication?"
"Behold! The All-American weapon of mass destruction: choking on a pretzel."
"Boys are like pennies, two-faced and worthless."
"Chaos...Panic...Disorder...My work here is done."
"Come talk to me when you have some money."
"Come to the dark side; we have cookies."
"Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and good with ketchup."
"Don't interrupt me when I'm talking to myself."
"For the record, I blame you."
"Gone to my happy place. Back soon." (but I don't wanna come back!)
"Have a nice day but leave me out of it."
"Here I am. Now what are your other two wishes?"
"I am not a violent person, now shut up before I punch you!"
"I did NOT escape. They gave me a day pass."
"Idiocy is the essence of the male mind."
"I don't get mad, I get even."
"I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!"
"If I die, I'm taking you with me! Oh...you're dying? Forget I said anything."
"If the opposite of 'pro' is 'con', what's the opposite of 'progress'?"
"If you want breakfast in bed, go sleep in the kitchen."
"If you wish not to be destroyed, you will leave me alone."
"I hate it when I get food in my sand."
"I have a dream, and in it something eats you."
"I have no idea what I'm doing out of bed."
"I like it in my happy place, for they know me there."
"I'm an angel! I swear! The horns are just there to hold the halo in place!"
"I'm only afraid of knives when you're holding them."
"I'm too tired to tell the truth."
"I'm up, I'm dressed, what more do you want?"
"Is there a hyphen in obsessive-compulsive?"
"It's bad luck to be superstitious."
"It's the quiet ones you have to watch out for."
"I used up all my sick days, so I called in dead."
"I've said it once, but it's worth repeating. Anime: Crack is cheaper."
"I want to die peacefully in my sleep like grandfather...not screaming like the passengers in his car."
"Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand."
"Knowledge is power. Power corrupts. Study hard; be evil."
"Last night, as I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky, I thought, "Where the hell is my ceiling?"
"Manga: The Anti-Drug. Because when you're addicted to manga, how could you possibly afford drugs?!"
"My life is too much for me to keep up with. I want my sippy cup back."
"My mind works like lightning...One brilliant flash and it's gone."
"No need to suffer in silence when you can still moan, whimper, and complain."
"NO TRESPASSING. Violators will be shot; survivors will be shot again."
"Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool."
"Of course I don't look busy; I did it right the first time."
"Of course I'm out of my mind!...It's dark and scary in there..."
"Of course violence isn't the answer. 'Violence' is the question and 'yes' is the answer!"
"Ow, my brain hurts."
"Please do not throw anything or anybody into the fish pond."
"Sarcasm is just one more service I offer."
"Self Destruct in 5. 4. 3. 2. 1. Have a nice day. (Explodes)"
"Silence is golden. Duct tape is silver."
"Smile. It confuses people."
"Sorry, mind closed until further notice."
"Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will leave gashes that will fester for all eternity."
"Stupidity killed the cat. Curiosity was framed."
"Sugar is good for you."
"Take one step closer and I'll run away."
"Tell me your sob story...I need a good laugh."
"That which doesn't kill you...Will probably try again."
"The ability to speak doesn't make you intelligent."
"The newscaster is the person who says 'Good evening' and then tells you why it's not."
"The stupider people think you are, the more surprised they are when you kill them."
"There is a fine line between insanity and stupidity. Feel free to cross it!"
"There's too much blood in my caffeine system!"
"They say I have A.D.H.D., but I just don't understa- oh look! A kitty!"
"They say the truth will set you free. Then why is it every time I tell the truth, I get sent to my room?"
"To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target."
"When it comes to thought, some people stop at nothing."
"When life gives you lemons, make grape juice, then sit back and let the world wonder how you did it."
"Why be difficult, when with just a little bit of effort, you can be impossible?"
"You can't spell slaughter without laughter."
"You cry, I'll cry. You laugh, I'll laugh. You fall out of a window, I'll laugh even harder."
"Your chances of getting struck by lightning increase if you stand under a tree, shake your fist up at the sky, and yell, 'Storms suck!'"
"Your participle is dangling."
"You're not paranoid if they really are out to get you."
VV - - 09/04/2012 - - VV
Rules to surviving a Horror Movie
If you think the monster is dead, he's NOT
Do not go search for something in the basement, especially if the power has just gone out.
If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not speak, or if they speak to you using a voice which is not they’re own, shoot them immediately. It will save you the grief in the long run.
When you have the benefit of numbers, NEVER pair off or go alone.
If you are searching for something, which caused a loud noise, and you find out it's just the cat, leave the room immediately if you value your life.
If appliances start operating by themselves, move out.
If you find a town, which looks deserted, it's probably for a good reason.
Take the hint and stay away.
If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, developing a fascination with blood, glowing eyes, foaming at the mouth and increasing hairiness, get away from them as fast as possible.
Stay away from certain geographical locations. Such as: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nil bog, the Bermuda Triangle or any small town in Maine.
If your car runs out of gas late at night, don't go to the nearby deserted looking house to call for help.
Likewise if your car has broken down, and the only refuge for miles is that creepy old mansion/castle on the hill.
Stay in the car.
Beware of strangers bearing tools such as chainsaws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, lawnmowers, butane torches, smoldering irons, band saws or any device made from deceased companions.
Do not keep all your sharpened kitchen knives in one of those wooden block thingies on your work surface.
When you are searching a house because you think there is something dangerous there, turn on the lights!
Never back out of one room into another without looking.
It's always behind you.
If you are traveling with friends, never let any hitch hikers into the van with you.
Never babysit. There are enough babysitter-in-danger-thanks-to-a-stupid-killer flicks out there already.
If you are being chased, never lean against the wall when you think you lost him. He'll just pop through and kill you.
Same goes for leaning against the window.
Stay away from sewers.
If you sense something is behind you, don't bother turning around to check. Just run.
If you are trying to escape the killer, sliding through the cat door in the electronic garage door will not help you any.
After you manage to kill the monster/killer, never sit beside it and cry. It will suddenly pop back up to finish the job.
Never go to camp or become a counselor. You'll be dead by the end of summer.
Never say, "I'll be right back." You won't be back. End of story.
Then when one of your spaceship's crewmembers finds a hideous parasite attached to his body, don’t let him back on the ship.
If someone tells you to do or not to something (example: DON'T fall asleep, DON'T go out there, DON'T go look for the homicidal-chainsaw-wielding psychopath by yourself) by all means, LISTEN TO THEM!!
A small town's little summer celebration might sound like fun. But if you hear the locals say things like, "Why you're the guest of honor! We couldn't even have the barbecue with out you!” run like hell.
Always be nice to the shy, quiet, unpopular girl in school.
Clowns never have, nor will they ever be helpful to hang around while in a horror movie. As harmless as the might seem, they WILL kill you once you let your guard down.
Never go back for anything you lost.
Avoid people with pointy teeth.
Avoid people with lots of facial hair.
Avoid people with pale complexions, who sway and moan.
If you see a burly man wearing a hockey mask and toting a chainsaw, DO NOT stick around to see if he's with the Philadelphia Flyers.
Never buy your kid a toy that talks back.
Never watch a horror movie while you're in a horror movie.
Never EVER play with any Ouijia board that you find in the basement of your newly bought, run-down house.
Never run into a deserted graveyard at night.
If you are running away from the killer/monster, don't even try to start the car. It doesn't matter if the car is brand new, it won't start.
If running from the monster/killer, try to make the least amount of noise possible. Especially if you are female. Panting, crying and screaming are not going to help you hide any better.
Never answer the phone when you are babysitting. Just get the heck out of there and leave the kids for dead.
If you think you see your girlfriend/boyfriend and they are wearing a mask, not talking, or conspicuously hiding their face, it's not them.
Don't be mean to the new kid. They will just end up killing you.
If you hear a strange noise coming from upstairs that sounds similar to, oh let's say a severed head falling to the floor, don't go trying to find out what it is.
When battling zombies, always sever their head or shoot them in the brain. If you they still want to eat you after that, just surrender. There's no hope for you anyway.
Never wait until you NEED the gun to check and see if it's loaded.
Never try to unmask the killer.
Never hide in a closet.
Don't spend a lot of time in houses decorated with an excessive amount of medieval weaponry. It will be used eventually.
Don't make a documentary that requires you to hike through the woods while looking for a witch that leaves stick figures hanging in trees.
If you see a short guy wearing green and wearing a shamrock hat, I wouldn't stick around to ask about his pot of gold.
Never listen to strange voices on the telephone.
Never say, "Who's there?"
If your hand has been possessed by the Force of Evil, do NOT chop off your hand. Doing so will merely allow the disembodied hand the freedom to wreak havoc independent of your body. And now you have to spend the rest of the film trying to track it down.
If you have a feeling you'll end up being chased by zombies during the night, remember to wear comfortable running shoes.
After babysitting, don't walk down any deserted streets with lots of trees and bushes, but no lights.
If you are a girl with long blonde hair, blue eyes and big boobs, well, you are pretty much dead.
Always check the backseat of your car before you get in.
When running away from the killer/monster, NEVER run upstairs.
If you see someone who is within screaming distance while running from the killer/monster, for the love of god, SCREAM!!
If a giant shark is chasing your family, don't go swimming. Actually, stay away from the water, period.
If you are babysitting, don't let the kids play with the Chucky doll.
If you are fleeing from a killer or supernatural being and you see a cop car, run right by it. There are three possible ways that things will turn out if you try to get the cops attention and none are good:
The cop is already dead in some gruesome way that will cause you to scream and alert the killer/monster as to where you are.
The cop will probably end up dead as he tries to help you, this will only distract the killer away from you for a few seconds, but chances are you will end up getting killed anyway.
The supernatural being has assumed the form of a cop and just when you think you are safe...he will kill you.
If the locals say the camp is haunted, it probably is.
If people in your neighborhood have been disappearing and there's talk about a surge of any type of insect...move. Stubborn homeowners always die.
When and if you fall while running and the killer/monster is near you, don't just sit there screaming like someone will hear you. Get up and RUN!!
If the killer if after you and you somehow manage to knock him down, don't get up and run for help. Believe me, he will stay down much longer after you kick him a couple times.
If you disobey the previous rule, don't try cutting off his head or anything cheap. Stick a grenade in his mouth and run for it.
If the killer is standing three feet in front of you, don't just stand there and scream while he comes running towards you. It may come as a shock, but he DOES in fact want to kill you.
If you DO happen to get killed, make sure it's in a cheap low-budget gore-fest with no plot, so you can come back and kick butt, no explanation needed
VV -- 4/30/2012 -- VV
"Any time a prop gets a bigger laugh than me, it's gotta go!" - Red Skelton
"Any kid will run any errand for you, if you ask at bedtime." - Red Skelton
"I'm nuts and I know it. But so long as I make 'em laugh, they aint going to lock me up." - Red Skelton
"If by chance some day you're not feeling well and you should remember some silly thing I've said or done and it brings back a smile to your face or a chuckle to your heart, then my purpose as your clown has been fulfilled." - Red Skelton
"No matter what your heartache may be, laughing helps you forget it for a few seconds." - Red Skelton
"My mother told me something I've never forgotten: 'Don't take life too seriously, son, you don't come out of it alive anyway." - Red Skelton
When Harry Cohn, the notorious - and much despised - head of Columbia Pictures died, seeing the crowd at his funeral prompted this famous Skelton riposte: "It just goes to show you, Harry was right -- If you give the public what they want, they'll always show up."
"As a longtime painter, I carry around snapshots of my favorite paintings the way other old geezers my age carry around pictures of their grandkids. Grandchildren are wonderful, but a good painting can help support you in your old age." - Red Skelton
"I think most of today's comedians are victims of laughter...they get nervous and resort to an insult or a four-letter word for a quick, cheap laugh. That goes on night after night until the whole act is cheapened. But that doesn't last. Usually, a couple of years later they are remembered only as the old what's-his-name who used all the dirty words." - Red Skelton
"I always believed God puts each one of us here for a purpose and mine is to try to make people happy." - Red Skelton
"I love a natural look in pictures. I like people with a feeling one way or another - it shows an inner life. I like to see that there's something going on inside them." - Marilyn Monroe
"My problem is that I drive myself... I'm trying to become an artist, and to be true, and sometimes I feel I'm on the verge of craziness, I'm just trying to get the truest part of myself out, and it's very hard. There are times when I think, 'All I have to be is true'. But sometimes it doesn't come out so easily. I always have this secret feeling that I'm really a fake or something, a phony." - Marilyn Monroe
"I'm not interested in money, I just want to be wonderful." - Marilyn Monroe
"A career is wonderful, but you can't curl up with it on a cold night." - Marilyn Monroe
"Sometimes I think it would be easier to avoid old age, to die, young, but then you'd never complete your life, would you? You'd never wholly know yourself..." - Marilyn Monroe
"A dollar for your thoughts..." - Marilyn Monroe
"No one ever told me I was pretty when I was a little girl. All little girls should be told they're pretty, even if they aren't." - Marilyn Monroe
"In Hollywood a girl's virtue is much less important than her hairdo. You're judged by how you look, not by what you are. Hollywood's a place where they'll pay you a thousand dollars for kiss, and fifty cents for your soul. I know, because I turned down the first offer often enough and held out for the fifty." - Marilyn Monroe
"I knew I belonged to the public and to the world, not because I was talented or even beautiful, but because I never had belonged to anything or anyone else." - Marilyn Monroe
"People had a habit of looking at me as if I were some kind of mirror instead of a person. They didn't see me, they saw their own lewd thoughts, then they white-masked themselves by calling me the lewd one." - Marilyn Monroe
"The truth is I've never fooled anyone. I've let people fool themselves. They didn't bother to find out who and what I was. Instead they would invent a character for me. I wouldn't argue with them. They were obviously loving somebody I wasn't. When they found this out, they would blame me for disillusioning them--and fooling them." - Marilyn Monroe
"To put it bluntly, I seem to have a whole superstructure with no foundation. But I'm working on the foundation." - Marilyn Monroe
"I want to grow old without face-lifts... I want to have the courage to be loyal to the face that I have made." - Marilyn Monroe
"It's often just enough to be with someone. I don't need to touch them. Not even talk. A feeling passes between you both. You're not alone." - Marilyn Monroe
"It stirs up envy, fame does. People you run into feel that, well, who does she think she is, Marilyn Monroe? They feel fame gives them some kind of privilege to walk up to you and say anything to you, you know, of any kind of nature - and it won't hurt your feelings." - Marilyn Monroe
"Fame is fickle, and I know it. It has it's compensations but it also has it's drawbacks, and I've experienced them both." - Marilyn Monroe
"My illusions didn't have anything to do with being a fine actress. I knew how third rate I was. I could actually feel my lack of talent, as if it were cheap clothes I was wearing inside. But my God, how I wanted to learn, to change, to improve!" - Marilyn Monroe
"If I play a stupid girl, and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through. What am I supposed to do, look intelligent?" - Marilyn Monroe
"An actor is supposed to be a sensitive instrument. Isaac Stern takes good care of his violin. What if everyone jumped on his violin?" - Marilyn Monroe
"Some people have been unkind. If I say I want to grow as an actress, they look at my figure. If I say I want to develop, to learn my craft, they laugh. Somehow they don't expect me to be serious about my work." - Marilyn Monroe
"There was my name up in lights. I said, "God, somebody's made a mistake!" But there it was in lights. And I sat there and said, "Remember, you're not a star". Yet there it was up in lights." - Marilyn Monroe
"The trouble with censors is they worry if a girl has cleavage. They ought to worry if she hasn't any." - Marilyn Monroe
"I used to say to myself, "What the devil have you got to be proud about, Marilyn Monroe?" And I'd answer, "Everything, everything"." - Marilyn Monroe
"Please don't make me a joke. End the interview with what I believe... I want to be an artist, an actress with integrity." - Marilyn Monroe
"I restore myself when I'm alone. A career is born in public -- talent in private." - Marilyn Monroe
"Talent is developed in privacy... but everybody is always tugging at you. They'd all like sort of a chunk at you. They'd kind of like to take pieces out of you." - Marilyn Monroe
"If you can make a girl laugh, you can make her do anything." - Marilyn Monroe
"A smart girl leaves before she is left." - Marilyn Monroe
"Everyone's a star and deserves the right to twinkle." - Marilyn Monroe
"I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I'm out of control, and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best." - Marilyn Monroe
"If I'm going to be alone, I'd rather be by myself." - Marilyn Monroe
"It was the creative part that kept me going, trying to be an actress. I enjoy acting when you really hit it right." - Marilyn Monroe
"I won't be satisfied until people want to hear me sing without looking at me." - Marilyn Monroe
"Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius and it's better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring." - Marilyn Monroe
"The body is meant to be seen, not all covered up." - Marilyn Monroe
"I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together." - Marilyn Monroe
"I have feelings too. I am still human. All I want is to be loved, for myself and for my talent." - Marilyn Monroe
"Your clothes should be tight enough to show you're a woman but loose enough to show you're a lady." - Marilyn Monroe
"I've often stood silent at a party for hours listening to my movie idols turn into dull and little people." - Marilyn Monroe
"How or why I can act - and I'm not sure I can - is the thing for me to understand. The torture, let alone the day to day happenings - the pain one cannot explain to another." - Marilyn Monroe
"Hollywood amuses me. Holier-than-thou for the public and unholier-than-the-devil in reality." - Grace Kelly
"I hated Hollywood. It's a town without pity. I know of no other place in the world where so many people suffer from nervous breakdowns, where there are so many alcoholics, neurotics, and so much unhappiness." - Grace Kelly
"At times I think I actually hate Hollywood. I have many acquaintances there, but few friends." - Grace Kelly
"I came to success very quickly. Perhaps too quickly to value its importance." - Grace Kelly
"I would like to be remembered as someone who accomplished useful deeds, and who was a kind and loving person. I would like to leave the memory of a human being with a correct attitude and who did her best to help others." - Grace Kelly
"My father had a very simple view of life: you don't get anything for nothing. Everything has to be earned, through work, persistence and honesty. My father also had a deep charm, the gift of winning our trust. He was the kind of man with whom many people dream of spending an evening." - Grace Kelly
"My real difficulty was to become a normal person again, after having been a movie actress for so long. For me, at the time I was living in New York and Hollywood, a normal person was someone who made movies." - Grace Kelly
"Mr. Hitchcock taught me everything about cinema. It was thanks to him that I understood that murder scenes should be shot like love scenes and love scenes like murder scenes." - Grace Kelly
"Of course, I think about marriage, but my career is still the most important thing for me. If I interrupt it now to get married, because I don't believe in a part-time family life, I would risk passing the rest of my existence wondering whether or not I would have been able to become a great actress." - Grace Kelly
"My parents, despite their serious attitude toward life in general, and that of their children in particular, were very broadminded people. There was no such thing as a bad profession for them. As I was their daughter, they knew that, whatever profession I chose, I would do it well. That was enough for them. There was always trust among the Kellys." - Grace Kelly
"I've always treated my children as beings in their own right. I respect their feelings and aspirations entirely." - Grace Kelly
"When I married Prince Rainier, I married the man and not what he represented or what he was. I fell in love with him without giving a thought to anything else." - Grace Kelly
"My love of flowers opened a lot of doors for me. I've made many friends because of their passion of flowers and their vast knowledge in this field." - Grace Kelly
"Although, I've played a wide variety of roles, I've never had the chance to act in a story written specially for me. It's a pity as they are the only stories that really let you reveal your personality." - Grace Kelly
"When Ava Gardner gets in a taxi, the driver knows at once she's Ava Gardner. It's the same for Lana Turner or Elizabeth Taylor, but not for me. I'm never Grace Kelly. I'm always someone who looks like Grace Kelly." - Grace Kelly
"Fairy tales tell imaginary stories. Me, I'm a living person. I exist. If the story of my life as a real woman were to be told one day, people would at last discover the real being that I am." - Grace Kelly
"If there is one thing that is foreign to me it is shopping for pleasure. On the other hand, I believe that it is right to honour all those who create beautiful things and give satisfaction to those who see me wearing them." - Grace Kelly
"It would be very sad if children had no memories before those of school. What they need most is the love and attention of their mother." - Grace Kelly
"I avoid looking back. I prefer good memories to regrets." - Grace Kelly
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