* So, I have no idea what a banner is (aside from 'Congratulations', 'Happy Birthday', or 'Good Job Getting Out Of Jail Early'), how to pick one up, or what to do with it once it's been picked up. That being said, thanks to those who nominated 'Glory Of Love' for Best Comedy in the Puckleberry Awards. It was an extremely pleasant surprise and, someday, I'll get another story up that will, hopefully, be as enjoyable.

Hey Everyone...or the twelve people who will ever read this (counting myself),

I figured the best way to get to know me was by filling out one of those surveys your friends e-mail you at work when they have nothing better to do.

WHERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? Yes. Everyone who was born before my birthday.

WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED? I don't cry. I had my tear ducts removed after an embarrassing moment where I cried during the first 5 minutes of High School Musical 3.

DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? Only when it‘s around. When it's not, I'm always talking bad behind it's back. Like, the other day, I wrote a “n” but someone thought it was an “r”. I said, “My handwriting is so stupid. I hate it.” Then, I turned around and saw it standing in the doorway, trying to fight back tears. It had heard everything I said and now we’re in the awkward “Do we acknowledge it happened or do we forget all about it” phase.

WOULD YOU RATHER KISS A HORSES A$$ OR SPEND FIVE MINUTES WITH YOUR TONGUE ON THE BOTTOM OF A DIRTY SHOE? First of all, I kiss a horses a$$ every night before we go to bed. Second of all, once your tongue has been on the shoe for one second, what’s 299 more? Give me a tough choice.

IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? I am friends with me and I‘m awesome. No she’s not, she’s an a$$hole.

DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT? Only when no one else answers the phone. But I never stay the night and I never call the next day.

WHERE IS YOUR SELF RESPECT? Lost somewhere in 1990 at a Milli Vanilli concert.

ARE YOU LOOKING FORWARD TO OLD AGE? Being able to say whatever I want under the guise of senility and it finally being socially acceptable for me to start peeing my pants again? You bet I am!

RED OR PINK? Red or pink what? This question is stupid because it’s not specific.

WHAT IS THE WEATHER LIKE OUTSIDE? A completely different person than when it’s inside.

WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST? Debbie Gibson. I really wish she’d mount a come back tour. Or, at the very least, show up on Dancing With The Stars.

WHAT COLOR SHOES ARE YOU WEARING? My husband only lets me wear shoes when I leave the house…which is pretty rare.

WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE? A baby. I have to do something to maintain my eternal youth and I just don’t have the heart to eat a puppy.

WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? Do you mean what kind of music am I currently into or, literally, what can I hear right now? Because, either answer, is going to be weird on some level and cause you to not want to speak to me anymore.

IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE? When are we going to stop being defined by color?

WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? Your mom. (You have to throw one of those in every once in a while for good measure.)

FAVORITE SMELL? Your mom. (Adds insult to injury. Unless the person’s mom is dead. Then it just makes you a d#ck.)

FAVORITE SPORT TO WATCH? My dog trying to lick her own butt. For those of you who say it’s not a sport, you’ve obviously never seen how fat my dog is or how much effort she exerts to reach her ass. Professional athletes could learn a thing or two about persistence and determination from her.

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN LOVE? What kind of question is that? I‘m married. Of course I‘ve never been in love.

IF YOU COULD BE AN ANIMAL, WHICH WOULD YOU BE? The party kind.

SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS? Happy movies with scary endings. Makes things more interesting.

LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? Is this your way of trying to find out if I watch porn because I’m not going to fall for it, be honest, and say The Little Shop Of Whorers. Wait…Damn it!

SUMMER OR WINTER? Winter because summer requires the revealing of skin. The less of me people see, the better for everyone involved.

WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? Mouse pads are for punk a$$es who can’t take the feel of their wrist on a hard wood desk. I keep my mouse on a slab of concrete.

FAVORITE SOUND? My husband talking in his sleep. You can tell a lot about a man from what he says when he’s unconscious.

ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES? Why are my only choices bands that originated in England? Why not a good old American rock band with staying power like….um….well, there’s….hm…how about….no, they’re British too…

WHEN YOU WERE YOUNGER, WHAT DID YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GREW UP? I’ve been pretty consistent over the years and just avoided having dreams or goals altogether. Makes things less disappointing that way.

WHERE DO YOU WANT TO GO TO NEXT? My next immediate travel goal is the bathroom. From there, the possibilities are wide open as long as they don’t reach farther than the front door…don’t have shoes, remember?

DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT? I can't even get a regular talent. Where the hell would I find a special one?

HOW MANY CHILDREN DO YOU WANT TO HAVE? Enough to either start a band or their own construction company.

FAVORITE INSPIRATIONAL QUOTE? “You think this is hard? Try being water boarded. That’s hard!”