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| longmasher |
If anyone is wondering, the picture on my profile is the picture of my hand while I'm shooting off some old .357 rounds. Those old imperial rounds apparently used different powder back in the day. Story favorites on my profile might be a bit odd in genre as I don't have a particular favorite but like to read them all. Gloomy or especially gory fics are usually avoided and there might be the odd slash that wormed its way into the list so ye have been warned. Favorite books tend to drive into fantasy or sci fi such as Warhammer 40k, Forgotten Realms, Dragonlance or anything written by Tad Williams, David Eddings, Terry Brooks, Piers Anthony etc, etc. Manga reading includes Hellsing, D Gray man, Beserk, Princess Ressurection, Claymore, Familiar of Zero, Paladin Anime watching goes through Zero no Tsumika, Spice and Wolf , Hellsing Ova, Gosick, Naruto, The World God Only Knows, Baka Test, Mayo Chicki and some others. Webcomics include Ctrl alt del twice blessed widdershins Some of these comics might be hiatus or otherwise discontinued. Favorite movies are the Dark Knight, Pulp Fiction, Advent Children, Wolfman 2010, Alice in Wonderland 2010, Van Hellsing, Constantine, X-men First Class and there might be more but I can't remember. T.V shows are limited to Terminator The Sarah Conner Chronicles, Stargate SG 1 and Atlantis, Farscape, Corner Gas and Star trek Enterprise That's about it. I doubt I'll be writing anything but here's some stuff I've picked up off the net. Alot of it is probably from this site so if anyone thinks I"m copywriting something of yours, let me know. -Longmasher I had a cat once. It tasted like chicken... What? I was hungry and the store was, like, closed. "The Pope is dead. Long live the Pope". I must confess that I don't see what the fuss is about... He's just a regular human being like the rest of us. And besides I don't believe in God and all that religious stuff. I believe in myself instead. [pause] I'm going to hell for saying that huh? SHIT HAS HAPPENED - (A)BORT, (R)ETRY, (G)ET A BEER? -The Quartet for the Dusk of Man "Four Gods wait on the windowsill Where once eight Gods did war and will And if the Gods themselves may die What does that say for you and I? Now, three Gods wait on the windowsill Where one God's blood was lately spilled While black tongues lap at the spreading pool And build the strength they need to rule" When two Gods wait on the windowsill The wick of the world is burning, still But when one God in triumph shouts The candle of the world goes out" “God, Guns and Guts keep us safe from hippie nuts” “When in doubt, blow stuff up” “I will smack you so hard your grandchildren will be mentally disabled” "Wish in one hand, crap in the other. See which one fills up first." "This is my rifle. This is my gun. This ones for fighting. This ones for fun." Teabagging is when you stick your balls in someone's mouth while they're asleep. It's technically a form of rape, but it's also hilarious. "Some say violence isn't the answer. Guess what? They're dead “I got news for you pal. You ain't leading but two things right now: Jack and Shit. And Jack just left town.” “This is my BOOM STICK! That’s right, twelve gauge double barreled Remington, you can find this in the sporting goods department, retail is about $199.99, it has blue cobalt steel, oak wood and hair trigger. Shop smart, shop S-mart. YOU GOT THAT? Now the next one of you primates even touches me...” “Because if you try it I’m gonna stick this chainsaw so far up your ass you’ll be whistling Dixie through a hole in your head, comprende?” "Comfort the Disturbed and Disturb the Comfortable" Let's see. My first impression: I hate you Insanity is a perfectly rational adjustment to an insane world. Do you know what the chain of command is? It’s the chain I go get and beat you with until you understand who’s in command here. I swear to god if any of you start calling me gay, I will slice your throats and drink the blood as I use your skulls for tomorrow’s cereal bowls…I mean it You call or ring the doorbell to them and get them to open the door. If they tell you to open it yourself, tell them that your hands are full and need them to open the door for you. When they come to the door, hold gun up to the door, a bit to the left and up for an upper body shot. When you feel their hand trying open open the door, fire. "Fate, It's such a silly human construction. Thinking that the complexity of the universe can be so easily explained. That it actually has a logical order that the human mind can understand. How pathetic!" Violence is the answer, provided that you use enough of it. You got gypped. Sinnin and grinin. “If you need me, I’ll be easy to find: the little shop with the sign that says ‘Liquor in the front. Poker in the rear’.” “We are warriors. This is our call, the reason why we exist. Would you deny us our nature? Would you wish regret upon us?” ‘This is my crowbar. There are many like it, but this one is mine.’ 'If you scan my mind it could be worse. I have seen nightmares you couldn't imagine. Worlds boiling into hydrogen, the fall of Arcadia, the last great Time War and the destruction yet to come. So still want to shake my hand? Go ahead.' To make dynamite for example; combine a 98 concentration of fuming nitric acid with three times it’s mass in sulfuric acid; make sure the container you’re doing this in is floating in a tub full of ice water. Then, add glycerin drop by drop and you get nitroglycerin; they don’t tell you the precise amount, but it’s presumable that some kind reaction would occur. Mix that with sawdust and a few other choice chemicals, and you get stable dynamite. I believe, whatever doesn’t kill you simply makes you… Stranger… "You know your crazy when you shave a cat, throw it out the window and scream "FLY JUNIPER FLY! "So I'm crazy just because YOU have a leprechaun dancing on the ceiling?!" "GREAT! Now I'm on fire! Are you happy now, ARE YOU!?" "I'm not high, I'm insane. There's a difference you know." "Perfection is an impossibility for humanity, for the simple fact humans themselves are imperfect. The ideal that things in our world are perfect, are simply ideals that are mistruths conjured up by madmen attempting to sustain that pitiful existence. It is impossible for us to understand what is perfect, for we are not perfect ourselves. Once humanity realizes this, we can all get on with our lives." "Nirvana: A state of enlightenment. Ex: I have achieved Nirvana of chocolate bars, as I am enlightened to there delicious gooey goodness." It doesn't matter to me if you’re the highest of royalty, or the lowest of men, you start with me, I end it "I have a vewy gweat fwiend in Wome called Biggus . . . Diccus!" "Stwike him Centurion! Stwike him vewy woughly!" "Enemies of the Imperium hear me! You have come here to die! The Immortal Emperor is with us and we are invincible! His soldiers will strike you down! His war machines will crush you under their treads! His mighty guns will bring the sky crashing down upon you! You cannot win. The Emperor has given us his most powerful weapon to wield, so make yourselves ready! We are the 1st Kronus regiment and today is our victory day!" Govenor-Militant Lukas Alexander prior to the battle of Victory Bay From Master of The Boot's profile Just because you were born in '97 doesn't mean you're a 90's kid. It's not like you could remember the original Simpsons. I am sorry but three conscious years of the 90's just wont cut it. You're a 90's kid if you remember: You remember watching -Doug -Ren & Stimpy -Pinky and the Brain -AAAAAAAH Real Monsters! -Rockos modern Life. -Animaniacs -Gargoyles Ninety-Five percent of teenagers are concerned about being popular. If you are part of the five percent who aren't, copy this, put it in your profile, and add your name to the list: Queen S of Randomness 016, Queen B of Randomness 016, AnimieKittyCaffe, The Gypsy Pirate Queen, That Bloody Demon, The Astrology Nerd, Shadow929, Crazy Billie Joe Loving Freak, Yavie Aelienel, Hyperactively Bored, Spymaster E, Shanny-Boo, Gem W, Brown-eyed angelofmuisc, piratesswriter/fairy to be, Bara-Minamoto, Em Quagmire, Buffy the Mary-Sue Slayer, Harry's Girl 01031992, WanderingTeen DESEPERE ROMANTIQUE, dark-hearted rose, Konoha's Kage, HikariNiwa, Takaiteishu Naru, Sensatsu Suisho Drifter, Korraganitar the NightShadow, EZB, Master of the Boot, Longmasher. Go fuck a duck Go hump a stump Pain is inevitable, misery is a choice “old enough to kill, old enough to drink.” “WE ARE THE SWORD OF MANKIND! WE ARE THE FIRE THAT PURGES THE TAINT!” “Life’s a bitch, you have to make it your bitch” “I’m still confused why you need a,” he paused as he read over the list. “Let me see... a live trout, a feather duster, a fireworks Sparkler, a nine-iron, a pack of already-chewed-bubble gum, half a pound of salt, two 6-inch candles, a rusty grill scrapper, two rolls of duct tape, and a copy of ‘Barney the Dinosaur Goes To Washington’.” “Better you not know.” We live in between worlds: the “truths” and the “illusions”, but beneath it all, we live in ignorance. We see what we want, we believe what we see, and we want what we believe. We live a complex life, where the simplicity is overpowered by our complications. In our eyes there is only black and white, but in our lives there lies many shades of grays. “Never tell me the odds,” Giving people freedom means also giving them the freedom to behave foolishly. Cruel necessities, no matter how needful, are still cruel. He either has some really good weed, or some really bad crack. Cry! Scream! And then, DIE!! Screw you guys, I'm going home. Respect My Authority. Buying incendiary long-range weaponry to deal with pests (parents, teachers, sisters etc) is not allowed. Three hours of Barney the Purple Dinosaur and he was seriously considering firing an Avada Kedavra at the thing. He ground his teeth as the 'I love you' song started up for the fortieth time. Four blasted lines, sung in an annoying voice, repeated over and over. Potter was going to rue the day he thought up this little stunt. Even worse, Fawkes was humming the song! Dumbledore's eye twinkle was taking on a rather manic look as the minutes passed. Silencing spells didn’t work, yelling at it was useless, and the only way to get it to stop would be to collapse the wards around the school. He was seriously considering it at this point. Who knew muggles could create something to drive themselves insane? No wonder no one understood them anymore. "You're like a alzheimers victim in a whore house, you just don't know what to do" "In my culture I would be well within my rights to dismember you" "This is a weapon of terror, it is designed to intimidate. This is a weapon of war, it is designed to kill!" Barney is the evil overlord of darkness because it’s a known fact that Barney corrupts the minds of children. “Give me your name and I'll give you mine.” Shit happens Some people needed killing, that was the only way it would end. He’d gotten over his ideals a long time ago. He wasn’t a homicidal maniac, but he there were simply times when people didn’t deserve second chances. “Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies,” Who are you truly?... The angel who soars above... Or maybe the fallen who are deprived... Who are you truly?... Grasp your destiny and choose... For I keep calling for you... But do you listen or do you run from me?... Who are you truly?... Take off the mask... Forget everbody's sneering... Take off the cloak... Forget their mockery... Take off the shadow of namelessness... And most importantly, forget their whispers... Who are you truly?... Stand up... Grasp your sword... And scream as you charge... Scream who you are. This is who I am. KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!!! “That girl over there, she must be a lesbian.” “Why? Because she wouldn't sleep with you?” They shall be my finest warriors, The Emperor of Mankind, on the Creation of the Space Marines Jesus tap-dancing Christ! “There’s this Indian who wants to marry the chief’s daughter. So he asks the chief if he can marry her. The chief says that he must go out into the woods for thirty days with nothing but a tomahawk and a pair of moccasins. And while in the forest, if he gets aroused, he has to hump a tree. If he comes back alive, he gets to marry her. So the Indian goes off into the forest and thirty days pass. The Indian returns and there’s a big celebration. Afterwards, he and the chief’s daughter go to consummate their marriage. And a few seconds later, everyone hears this bloodcurdling scream. They run over to the tent to see what’s wrong and find the Indian whacking his new wife with a stick. The chief yells, ‘what you doing!? You crazy!?’ the Indian shakes his head and says, ‘Not crazy! Check for bees!’” Now you will receive us. We do not ask for your poor, or your hungry. We do not want your tired and sick. It is your corrupt we claim. It is your evil that will be sought by us. With every breath, we shall hunt them down. Each day we will spill their blood, 'til it rains down from the skies. Do not kill. Do not rape. Do not steal. These are principles which every man of every faith can embrace. These are not polite suggestions. These are codes of behavior, and those of you that ignore them will pay the dearest cost. There are varying degrees of evil. We urge you lesser forms of filth, not to push the bounds and cross over, into true corruption, into our domain. For if you do, one day you will look behind you and you will see us, and on that day you will reap it. And we will send you to whatever god you wish. And shepherds we shall be, for Thee, my Lord, for Thee. Power hath descended forth from Thy hand, that our feet may swiftly carry out Thy command. So we shall flow a river forth to Thee, and teeming with souls shall it ever be. In nomine Patri … … et Fili … … et Spiritus Sancti. This calls for a particularly subtle blend of psychology and extreme violence If I had no sense of humor then I would have commited suicide long ago Do not argue with an idiot, he will drag you down to his level and beat you with The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they'll be when you kill Some people say 'if you can't beat them, join them'. I say 'If you can't beat If at first you don't succeed...go back and reload the gun Some people are only alive because it's illegal to kill them Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat There are few problems that can’t be solved with high explosives If two wrongs don't make a right, try three That news traveled faster than heroin through an addicts veins. 'Twas on the good ship Venus, The second mate was Andy, The third mate's name was Morgan, The captain's wife was Mabel, The captain's daughter Charlotte, The cabin boy was Kipper, The captain's lovely daughter The cook his name was Freeman, The ship's dog's name was Rover, And when we reached our station, On the good ship Venus, "No. Not even in the face of Armageddon. Never compromise. I like to go in, get the job done, and leave. A sniper in a far off window, or a grenade thrown into a bugged warehouse. Some may call my methods cowardly, but I don't give a fuck. I mean, I'm still here, right? My guys are dead and I'm not, my conscience is just a little but lighter, so why the hell should I go through the theatrics? Those speeches people are so fond of do nothing but prolong the inevitable. “Run little piggy,I want to hear you squeal!” "I'm going to start wounding you now. I'm not sure when I'll stop." Well, I don't care if it's God's own anti-son-of-a-bitch machine, or a giant hoola hoop, we're not gonna let 'em have it! 'Power drives a man insane. They sink people into madness. Greed breeds to more greed, eventually, consuming even their soul. You'll understand if you meet a dictator one day. You'll see just how inconsolable monsters humans can become.' Loveless Prologue Act I Act II Dreams of the morrow hath the shattered soul Act III My friend, your desire Even if the morrow is barren of promises Act IV My soul, corrupted by vengeance Legend shall speak Act V You can bugger the bear, if you do it with care, Hey, you're the perfect height... to kiss my ass! The bird of Hermes is my name, Eating my wings to make me tame In the Sea withouten lesse, “I am that divides all that is from all that is not. I have been here since before the creation of this universe and other countless universes. I have seen infinite number of universes being created and destroyed. I have seen all the universes and all their past, present, future and all their alternatives. I am the Scale, upon which the balance of good and evil is measured. I am the time before time, time after time, and time itself. I am space, both infinite and non-existent. I am that separates zero from one.” “Lots of people don’t like what I have to say, most of the time. It’s scary. It makes them see beyond their little walls of normality. No one likes being forced to see the monsters, but the monsters don’t go away just because no one likes them. So I tell them anyway, and damn the consequences.” “It’s always the same! Always thinking that you can treat evil like–like a disease, or some quirk of the DNA, to be fixed with a bit of genetic manipulation. Like there’s some magic bullet or cure for it, to make everything perfect. As if evil weren’t a deliberate choice, a path walked with open eyes. It never changes.” “Your chivalry is admirable, your sense of reality deplorable,” "Killing...and being killed...They are just a way to pass time!" His beer had gone flatter and warmer faster than Christ’s foot making that first step onto water. “If you kill one of us, we will kill ten of you. If you kill ten of us, we will kill a hundred of you. If you kill a hundred of us, then we will kill a thousand of you. If you kill a thousand of us, then we will raze you to the ground to the point where nothing will survive, not even fucking Bacteria. I'm gonna say something to express my annoyance at the deep doo-doo we've just gotten into...I'll give you a hint; it starts with F and ends with uck..." "Firetruck?" "...Ya, let's go with that." “Pig-fucking son of an incontinent cockroach” An Ode To My Mom 1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. 2. My mother taught me RELIGION. 3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL. 4. My mother taught me LOGIC. 5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC. 6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT. 7. My mother taught me IRONY. 8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS. 9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM. 10. My mother taught me about STAMINA. 11. My mother taught me about WEATHER. 12. (My favorite) My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY. 13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE. 14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION. 15. My mother taught me about ENVY. 16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION. 17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING. 18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE. 19. My mother taught me ESP. 20. My mother taught me HUMOR. 21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT. 22. My mother taught me GENETICS. 23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS. 24. My mother taught me WISDOM. My mother taught me about JUSTICE. I don't suffer from insanity! I enjoy every minute of it. I'm perfectly sane, it's the world that's crazy. Here's a riddle, two guys destroyed your bike with a bat and a crow bar, one of them wasn't me. My mind works like lightning, one brilliant flash and its gone. If the opposite of 'pro' is 'con', whats the opposite of 'progress'? Why be difficult, when with just a little bit of effort, you can be impossible? When life gives you lemons, make grape juice, then sit back an let the world wonder how you did it. I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing. Procrastinate NOW! The voices in my head tell me I need therapy. The newscaster is the person who says “Good evening” and then tells you why its not. I used to have super powers, but my therapist took them away. Why in a country of free speech, are there phone bills? Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me in kick boxing. The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you've got it made. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. If at first you do succeed, try not to look to astonished. If Procrastinators formed a club, would they ever meet? We live in an age where the pizza delivery will reach your house before the police. I'm not littering...I'm donating to the Earth. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now. I am not a humanitarian. I am a hell-raiser. Heck is the place for people who don't believe in Gosh. They say the truth will set you free. Then why is it every-time I tell the truth, I get sent to my room? Sarcasm is one more service I offer. Compassion costs extra. Insanity is a perfectly rational adjustment to an insane world. Don't take life too seriously; no one gets out alive. Life is like robbing a bank; so worth the while! You want to know who your real friends are? Screw up and see who's still there Don't tell me the sky's the limit, when there's footprints on the moon- Don't look at me with that tone of voice!- Silence is golden, duck-tape is silver- It's a wonder they haven't locked you up yet A good friend would come and bail you out of jail. A true friend would be sitting there beside you saying, "Man that was fun! Let's do it again!" Question: if some one with multiple personalities threatens to commit to kill himself is it considered a hostage situation?? Who ever said that anything was possible has obviously never tried to ski through a revolving door... He shouldn't let his mind wander, it's too little to go out on its own He had a good idea once, but it died of loneliness -"Fiction is a lie and good fiction is the truth inside the lie" Sarcasm helps keep you from telling people what you really think of them. You've gotta die in creative ways. They keep saying the right person will come along; I think mine got hit by a If it's not nailed down, it's fair game. To err is human, to forgive is not Company Policy When in doubt, use brute force. When that doesn't work...RUN!! Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense. If at first you don't succeed, redefine success. If you are feeling good, don't worry. You'll get over it. Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid all together. Death is God's way of telling you not to be such a wise guy. I haven't lost my mind -- it's backed up on tape somewhere. You can't fall off the floor, but you can always pick yourself back up. Anything can be made to work if you fiddle with it long enough. If you mess with anything long enough, it'll break. Push something hard enough and it will fall. You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely. There's no point in being grownup if you can't be childish sometimes! I talk to myself because I like dealing with a better class of people. Had this been an actual emergency, we would have fled in terror and you Tomorrow will be canceled due to lack of interest. Schizophrenia beats being alone. Why is it that when adults have multiple personalities it's schizophrenia, Do what comes naturally now. Seethe and fume and throw a tantrum Sleep: A completely inadequate substitute for caffeine The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first If at first you don't succeed, destroy all the evidence that you tried. Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view Never knock on Death's door... Ring the bell and run away... he hates that Before you critisize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you critisize them, you're a mile away from them and you have their shoes. I refuse to engage in an intellectual battle with an unarmed man. This is not something to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown, with great force. There is darkness. There is chaos. There is evil. They are not now, nor have ever been the same thing. Warning: trespassers will be shot. Warning: survivors will be shot again Always forgive your enemies... Nothing annoys them so much. "Don't worry about the world ending today, it's already tomorrow in Australia. Unless you're in Australia, then start worrying. If the whole world depends on today's youth, I can't see the world lasting another 100 years. You can learn a lot about a person if you just take the time to inject them with sodium pentothal. The object of war is not to die for your country, but to make the other bastard die for his. Never say 'bite me' to a vampire. If you're going to do something wrong, at least enjoy it. light travels faster than sound. this is why some people appear intelligent until you hear them speak." "lottery: a tax on people who dont understand statistics." "main reason santa is so jolly: because he knows where all the bad girls live." "I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous." "I'd kill for a nobel peace prize." "If a mute child swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?" "If at first you dont succeed, then skydiving isn't for you." "If everything is coming your way, your in the wrong lane." "If I could get a firm grip on reality, I'd choke it." "If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?" "If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?" "If you can read this . . . I can slam on my brakes and sue you!" "Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!" "I want revenge. Is that so wrong?" "Chaos, panic, and disorder. My work here is done." The problem with reality is a lack of background music. I laugh in the face of death...maybe not laugh more like a snicker...a quiet snicker, and I wouldn't do it directly in death's face so, it's more like a quiet snicker behind death's back. If I won't be myself, who will? We live in an age where pizza gets to your house before the police. Eat right, exercise, die anyway. If you don't like the way I drive, stay off the sidewalk. A nuclear war can ruin your whole day. In theory, everything works. Do unto others before they do unto to you. Everyone is entitled to my opinion. Your chances of getting struck by lightning go up if you stand under a tree, shake your fist at the sky, and yell, "Storms suck!" I want to die peacefully in my sleep like grandfather...not screaming like the passengers in his car. If you can keep your head while other people are losing theirs, you probably don't fully understand the situation. They say the truth will set you free. Then why is it everytime I tell the truth, I get sent to my room? Your village called, they want their idiot back. Welcome to loserville. Population: you "I'm an angel, honest! The horns are just there to keep the halo straight" My mechanic told me,"I couldn't repair your brakes,so I made your horn louder." "I didn't lose my mind, I sold it on ebay." "I did my homework! I just forgot to write it down." Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Life is a tragedy for those who feel and a comedy for those who think. Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence. Stupidity killed the cat. Curiosity was framed. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. WANTED: Meaningful Overnight Relationship You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me! So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute. I need someone real bad...Are you real bad? Beauty is in the eye of the Beer Holder. The more you complain, the longer God makes you live. I(nternal) R(evenue) S(ervice): We've got what it takes to take what you got. Reality is a crutch for people that can't handle drugs. Out of my mind...be back in five minutes. As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools. Hang up and drive. God must love stupid people. He made SO many! I said "NO" to drugs, but they don't listen! Your kid may be an Honor Student, but YOU are still an idiot. Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips. I took an IQ test and the results were negative. Where there's a will...I want to be in it. It's lonely at the top, but you eat better. Don't drink and drive...You might hit a bump and spill your drink! Consciousness: that annoying time between naps. Ever stop to think and forget to start again? Always remember that you are unique...just like everyone else. HONK if you want to see my Finger. Who lit the fuse on your tampon? I don't have a license to kill. I have a learner's permit. Keep honking while I reload. Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot either! Who were the testers for Preparations A through G? Madness takes a toll, please have exact change. EARTH FIRST! We'll stripmine the other planets later. If you drink, don't park. Accidents cause people. If you can read this, I can hit my breaks and sue you. Save the whales! Trade them for valuable prizes. Whitewater is over when the First Lady sings. My wife keeps complaining that I never listen to her...or something like that. Sure you can trust the government! Just ask an Indian! Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Don't drink and derive. If we are what we eat, I'm cheap, fast, and easy. Stop repeat offenders! Don't re-elect them! One by one, the penguins are stealing my sanity When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. Never punch a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat. (with me as the exception! no hitting me!) There are few problems that can’t be solved with high explosives. If two wrongs don't make a right, try three. I never argue with an idiot. They drag me down to their level, and then beat me with experience."- "Nobody move! I dropped my brain." "Sanity!? Sorry, but I don't remember having such a useless thing in the first place." - “The choice is yours. It is always yours. But remember–so are the consequences yours.” “Free will, There is nothing more precious in all of Creation. You have to give your enemies the chance to redeem themselves. Even when they choose otherwise. That makes all the difference.” He saw . . . .Something more than ancient. He saw eternal. He saw wisdom, and foolishness, compassion and cruelty. Towering arrogance, but still the capacity to be humbled, to admit a mistake. A child’s eternal wonder, and a desire to hope and believe, but battered and stained almost past the ability to forgive. Mercy, torn to shreds by tides of war and darkness. A man, full of weakness and frailty and sin–but for all that, he shone like the heart of a star. It is in our choices and our decisions that lead us to do acts of kindness or evil. "Use your intellect to guide you, and you will end up putting people off. Rely on your emotions, and you will forever be pushed around. Force your will on others, and you will live in constant tension. There is no getting around it—people are hard to live with." If vodka was water... The Preachers can prattle on about how we had to for the Greater Glory Of Humanity but I know full well that they have never seen death close up like we have. I know that by my own standards I am steeped in sin. But at least my sins are warriors sins and they are not the worst I have seen at that. Not by a long way. "Don't admit defeat and seek death, die first, then admit defeat. When you lose, but don't die it just means you were lucky. At those times, think only about survival. Survive and think only about killing the guy who failed to kill you" You're the best for the job, and I don't let shit like branch pride get in the way of that. Proud corpses are useless to me. “Is that what you think, or is that what your festering humanity believes? Humans have predictable impulses stemmed from greed. You desire to own, to obtain, to consume, to enjoy. Entities such as myself move as we are instructed by sudden moments of compulsion. We gain NOTHING, we want NOTHING; that is what separates us from the divine.” “Divinity controls; divinity is balance. It creates, regulates, and corrects until there is no more change to be made, and the soul uncorruptable.” “ I bet you squeal real nice.” "What you talking 'bout Willis?" Hey, I'm gonna shag your daughter tonight. “The answer to the Great Question, of Life, the Universe and Everything. It’s 42… or pickles.” The problem with America is stupidity, Now I'm not saying there should be a capital punishment for stupidity but why not take the safety labels off everything and let the problem sort itself out" “Morals are for virgins and prostitutes.” "Kill a man, one is a murderer; kill a million, a conqueror; kill them all, a God." – Jean Rostand "This is the way the world ends/ Not with a bang but a whimper." – T. S. Eliot “A wall stands in your way…you can go through it or around it. Going through it is quicker, but it hurts you to do so.” “Going around that wall is far less painful, and you still arrive at the same goal.” We are sinners viewed as saints by the people we kill for." The Preachers can prattle on about how we had to for the Greater Glory Of Humanity but I know full well that they have never seen death close up like we have. I know that by my own standards I am steeped in sin. But at least my sins are warriors sins and they are not the worst I have seen at that. Not by a long way. 'If you can not dazzle them with brilliance, riddle them with bullets.' Honour, Tradition… I have no need for such petty things. In the line between life and death, manners are the least that I need. “You just killed a fucking priest. I knew you were going to hell before, but goddamn, you’ve got reservations and a first-class ticket now.” "Because as nice as today is, Tomorrow is going to be that much worse." "I come in peace, I didn't bring artillery. But I am pleading with you with tears in my eyes: If you fuck with me, I'll kill you all." "Murder is killing someone because you want to. Because the need to end their life has consumed you. For gold, anger, lust… All sorts of sins. Sin motivates murder” "When you shot that man, no sin motivated you. I'm not saying killing folk is ever easy. It's not. You might think that over time it does, but every time I do so, believe me, it pains me something fierce." "But it's good that it pains you to kill." "Why?" "Because, it means you're still a person… And not just a killer." "As long as you feel guilt, you are still good. It's a pain that keeps you alive." "When in doubt, whip it out!" "No retreat, no surrender. Either we came back successful, or came back in a coffin." "Violence is never the answer. Violence is the question to which "yes" is the answer. The bad guy always comes back unless you put him down. "That's how the universe will die, how all great things will die. Not with a fanfare, not with glory but with a small, pathetic whimper," “You’re just cranky because I let Galactus experiment on your genitalia.” I might have felt remorse over shooting a youngster like that, but the gun he was carrying was all grown up. “This…is my rifle, There are many others like it but this one is mine”. “My rifle is my best friend, it is my life. I must master it as I master my life. Without me, my rifle is useless. Without my rifle, I am useless. I must fire my rifle true. I must shoot straighter than any enemy who is trying to kill me. I must shoot him before he shoots me. I will. Before the gods I swear this creed. My rifle and myself are the defenders of my people. So be it, until there is no enemy, but peace.” “One job leaves you feeling like a noble guardian, the other you feel like a butcher. Truth is, people like us, who spill the blood in the mud, are both.” No trespassing. Violators should notify next of kin. Have a pleasant day." "Trespassers could die a quick and certain death or they could be invited in for stew. Thank you for thinking better of disturbing my privacy." "Rumors of spike-filled pits along this path are almost totally false. Thank you for your caution." I recently replaced my heart with a baked potato. This arrangement worked out fine until I started getting hungry. My makeshift heart met the same fate as its predecessors, so if anyone has some random vegetable they could loan me, it'd be great. Death is a primitive concept. (The Last Starfighter) Everybody Lies. (House) The innocent lie because they don't want to be blamed for something they didn't do. And the guilty lie because they have no choice. (Law and Order... I think) In certain extreme situations, the law is inadequate. In order to shame its inadequacy, it is necessary to act outside the law. To pursue... natural justice. This is not vengeance. Revenge is not a valid motive, it's an emotional response. No, not vengeance. Punishment. (Frank Castle, The Punisher) People should not be afraid of their governments. Governments should be afraid of their people. (V for Vendetta) Si vis pacem, para bellum - If you want peace, prepare for war. (Frank Castle, The Punisher) There's power in your words. (The Bible) Believe what you want to believe. (Rouge the Bat) But I'm not responsible for me. (Conner Gas) Even the nameless taxi driver is OOC. I’m scared for what’s coming. (tabbi katt- some random fanfic sporker) A family serves like the banks of a stream. They keep you in your place, but bastards make their own way. (The Archer's Tale) The question that once haunted my being has been answered. The future is not fixed; my choices are my own. And yet, how ironic... for I now find that I have no choice at all. I am a warrior...let the battle be joined! (Dinobot) Tell my tale to those who ask. Tell it truly, the evil deeds along with the good, and let me be judged accordingly. (Dinobot) You got the right, same as anyone, to live and try to kill people. (Mal, "Firefly") You're like a trained ape, without the training. (Simon, "Firefly") The most important things are the hardest to say, because words diminish them. (Stephen King) A dishonest man you can always trust to be dishonest, honestly. It's the honest ones you want to watch out for; because you can never predict when they're going to do something incredibly... stupid. (Captain Jack Sparrow) To die would be a great adventure. (Peter Pan) The Impartial Friend: Death, the only immortal who treats us all alike, whose pity and whose peace and whose refuge are for all--the soiled and the pure, the rich and the poor, the loved and the unloved. (Mark Twain, "Moments with Mark Twain") You let one of them go, but that's nothing new. Every now and then, a little victim's spared... because she smiled, cos he's got freckles, cos they begged. And that's how you live with yourself, that's how you slaughter millions, because once in a while, on a whim, if the wind's in the right direction, you happen to be kind. (The Doctor -- "Doctor Who") It is said that all art is self portrait, yet we can only view art through the lens of our own psyche. Therefore, an artist may paint one image and his public see something else entirely. (Anthony Wharem) I'm gonna beat that idiot till he's so disfigured that he can't even look in a mirror without pissing his pants." "People die everyday. Don't see you mourning them now, do I?" "That's the reason for most wars, no one goes to war thinking their reasons are selfish and greedy." "You blame people for their birth and upbringings, things they can not control,for accusing others of it, you are the one who is not human." Police and the Rabbit. The Cabbie and the Nun. S&M. His and Hers. "Live to the fullest, age to the fullest, go bald to the fullest… and die long after I do. And if you can… die with a smile." “I heard a street preacher tell this strange story, a story about a man who wrestled with an angel. The angel was stronger, and broke the man's hip. But the man, beaten and in pain, clenched his hands together and refused to let the angel go." "So who won?" "Well, that's the point, isn't it?" "The man couldn't hurt the angel, but the angel couldn't get away." "It doesn't matter," "Who won and who lost, that is. It's only the struggle that has any meaning." A robot may not injure a human being or, through inaction, allow a human being to come to harm. A robot must obey any orders given to it by human beings, except where such orders would conflict with the First Law. A robot must protect its own existence as long as such protection does not conflict with the First or Second Law. Who are you? (The Vorlon Question) What do you want? (The Shadow Question) Why are you here? & Do you have anything worth living for? (Lorien's Questions) Where are you going? (Techno Mage's Question "We have all done things that cannot be taken back. But sins cannot be cleansed with blood. For that there is duty." "LOOK UPON US AND DESPAIR! FOR WE ARE THE HAMMER! WE ARE THE HATE! AND YOU. WILL. DIE!" "A sword is a weapon; swordsmanship is a method of murder. You can decorate it with all sorts of pretty words, but that is what it is. Kill some in order to protect others, murder some to save all, that is the ultimate purpose and final principle of all sword techniques, and if you use your sword to bring about this justice, then you too … are nothing but a murderer”. "What arrogance do you have, to presume that you alone have the right and authority to force your ideals upon others? Exceptional you might be, but you are too naïve; you believe that the world is predictable, where everything exists in binary notions of right and wrong, when in reality it is all a matter of perspective. What is right for one may be wrong for another, have you ever thought of that? By what basis do you define what is right and what is wrong? When there exist no parameters to make these definitions in the first place?" "If you indeed intend to make a difference in this world, in this chaos, then you will have to join one side or the other, to the one which your mind tells you is right, which then puts you under the power of the one's who control that side, and by that definition, they will control you, and consequently use you," "Truth often hurts, and if their delicate and tender sensibilities get offended by my telling them the bare truth of what their existence has been reduced to, then it is no concern of mine." "To constitute political life in a state presupposes a good man, whereas to have to recourse to violence in order to make oneself a ruler in a republic presupposes a bad man. Hence very rarely will there be found a good man willing to use bad methods in order to make himself a ruler, though with a good end in view." "Nor will any reasonable man blame him for taking any action, however extraordinary, which may be of service in the organizing of a kingdom or the constituting of a republic. It is a sound maxim that reprehensible actions may be justified by their effects, and that when that effect is good, it always justifies the action. For it is the man who uses violence to spoil things, not the one who uses it to mend them, that is blameworthy." "A ruler should therefore disregard the reproach of being thought cruel where it enables him to keep his subjects united and loyal. For he who quells disorder by a very few signal examples will in the end be more merciful than he who from too great leniency permits things to take their course and so result in chaos and bloodshed; for these hurt the whole state, whereas the severities of the ruler injure individuals only." "It is essential therefore, for a ruler who desires to maintain his position, to have learned how to be other than good, and to use or not use his goodness as necessity requires." "Everyone sees what you seem to be, but few see you for what you are." "Fight? Yes, I would. Because to understand peace you have to experience war. If you want to judge, you will have to be judged first. And to quench fear, you have to experience it. So if I must stain my hands with blood to bring about a peaceful world I'll gladly make this sacrifice.. For the greater good my people have sacrificed hundreds of their lives. For their ideals, they have fought battles they could not hope to win. I will help to end this war before any more lives are ended." "If you ask me, she's more Christian than either of you, and seeing as how she's a Buddhist…I think…that's sad." "If violence isn't working, you obviously aren't using enough."-Anon. "The man who lives by the sword, gets shot by the man who doesn't."-Anon. "Blades never need reloading."-Max Brooks "Yes, pandas are evil. Anything that lazy must be a fascist."-Micheal68 Man in that position, if he is a man and not a worm, chooses the right, not the legal. He ends up in jail? Well least he'll be sleepin' the sleep o' the just in his cell." "Load up on guns and bring your friends." To be Unclean To be Unclean - That is the mark of the Mutant To be Impure - That is the mark of the Mutant To be Abhorred - That is the mark of the Mutant To be Reviled - That is the mark of the Mutant To be Hunted - That is the mark of the Mutant To be Purged - That is the fate of the Mutant To be Cleansed - For that is the fate of all Mutants “How many people have to die? How many cities have to be leveled? How many wars have to rage? What does it take before someone is held accountable for their actions?” The occasion of a Waaagh is a cross between a mass migration, holy war, looting party and pub brawl, with a bit of genocide thrown in for good measure. Millions of battle-hungry Orks invade their target and stomp everything in their way flat. Just who is invaded is a matter of supreme indifference to the Waaagh. Battle is battle. Walk softly and carry a big Multi-melta. If you don't expect gratitude you'll seldom be disappointed. “A system that refuses to change alongside a constantly changing environment will lead to a disastrous and destructive outcome." "I'm always in shit; it's just the depth that varies..." 'I am not getting violent, I'm just getting creative with weapons.' 'If you can not dazzle them with brilliance, riddle them with bullets.' 'Death is the consequence of being alive', 'Don't worry about life; you're not going to survive it, anyway', 'Don't take life too seriously; it's not permanent' The simplest way for you to understand it would be for you to take everything you know about space travel, time dilation, and the universe in general, then multiply that by forty-two." 'Tis half past three and the chill is gone This is the longest binge I've ever been on I've had so many pints my minds stupefied But through all the haze I still hear them cry Drink motherfucker Drink motherfucker Drink! A curse to you lad a curse on your head Drinking pint after pint until I am dead I just keep drinking and I don't know why But tonight is the night that I drink till I die! It's quarter to five and I'm still going strong Is this the only place I truly belong? To make it all then by the good lord beseech Lying on the floor with my drink out of reach Drink motherfucker Drink motherfucker Drink! A curse to you lad a curse on your head Drinking pint after pint until I am dead I just keep drinking and I don't know why But tonight is the night that I drink till I die! 'Tis six in the morning can't remember my name I see all the faces they all look the same And the puke on the floor makes a terrible stink What is this demon that makes me want to drink? Drink motherfucker Drink motherfucker Drink! A curse to you lad a curse on your head Drinking pint after pint until I am dead I just keep drinking and I don't know why But tonight is the night that I drink till I die! Drink motherfucker Drink motherfucker Drink! Drink motherfucker Drink motherfucker Drink! Drink motherfucker Drink motherfucker Drink! A curse to you lad a curse on your head Drinking pint after pint until I am dead I just keep drinking and I don't know why But tonight is the night that I drink till I die! It's now almost noon and the spinning has stopped There will be no more drink to the floor I do drop And there's ole Nick offering eternal pain He smiles as he sings this infernal reappraise Drink motherfucker Drink motherfucker Drink! A curse to you lad a curse on your head Drinking pint after pint until I am dead I just keep drinking and I don't know why But tonight is the night that I drink till I die! A curse to you lad a curse on your head Drinking pint after pint until I am dead I just keep drinking and I don't know why But tonight is the night that I drink till I die! Drink motherfucker Drink motherfucker Drink! "Become your own ideal! Become an artist no one can replicate! Be the madman in the crowd of sanity! That way even if they ridicule you, you can laugh in their faces; not because you are different but because they are all the same!" "People these days have a tendency to mistake crap for art." thou shall not fuck with someone who can fuck with you Alignments Any person, creature, deity or extraplanar realm can have one of the nine alignments. In an attempt to simplify the codes of conduct for characters, non-canon takes on alignment sometimes occur. outsiders are known as Archons. Lawful Good characters, especially paladins, may sometimes find themselves faced with the dilemma of whether to obey law or good when the two conflict - for example, upholding a sworn oath when it would lead innocents to come to harm - or conflicts between two orders, such as between their religious law and the law of the local ruler. Complete Scoundrel sourcebook Batman, Dick Tracy and Indiana Jones are cited as examples of lawful good characters.[7] Zorro, and Spider-Man.[7] The Neutral Good outsiders are known as Guardinals. elves are Chaotic Good, as are some fey. Starbuck from Battlestar Galactica, Malcolm Reynolds from Firefly, and Robin Hood are examples of Chaotic Good individuals.[7] Eladrin are the outsider race representing Chaotic Good. James Bond, Odysseus, and Sanjuro from Yojimbo are considered by Complete Scoundrel as Lawful Neutral.[7] Three exemplars of Lawful Neutral outsiders exist. These are the Formians, the Inevitables and the Modrons. Mordenkainen is one such character who takes this concept to the extreme, dedicating himself to a detached philosophy of neutrality to ensure that no one alignment or power takes control of the Flanaess. Druids frequently follow this True Neutral dedication to balance, and under Advanced Dungeons & Dragons rules were required to be this alignment. In an example given in a D&D rulebook[citation needed, a typical druid might fight against a band of marauding gnolls, only to switch sides to save the gnolls' clan from being totally exterminated. Lara Croft, Lucy Westenra from Dracula and Han Solo in his early Star Wars appearance are neutral.[7] The true neutral outsiders are known as the Rilmani. Xaositects from the Planescape setting, and Hennet from the third edition Player's Handbook. In Advanced Dungeons & Dragons, Chaotic Neutral was frequently assumed to refer to this subset. Jack Sparrow, Al Swearengen from the TV series Deadwood, and Snake Plissken from Escape from New York are Chaotic Neutral characters according to Complete Scoundrel.[7] Slaadi represent pure chaos. Boba Fett of Star Wars, and X-Men's Magneto are cited examples of Lawful Evil characters.[7] The Lawful Evil outsiders are known as Baatezu (Devils). X-Men's Mystique, and Sawyer of the early seasons of Lost as Neutral Evil characters.[7] Yugoloths (Daemons) are the multiversal representatives of Neutral Evil. Serial killers and monsters of limited intelligence are typically Chaotic Evil. Complete Scoundrel sourcebook, Carl Denham from King Kong and Riddick from Pitch Black are Chaotic Evil.[7] The exemplars of chaotic evil are the Tanar'ri (Demons). Comedy is when you fall in an open sewer and die. —Mel Brooks "I tripped a kid yesterday and he fell in the mud. It was hilarious." —Calvin, Calvin And Hobbes In all role-playing games, advancement in experience and levels is broken down in two basic ways. You can either go questing or go grinding. If you go questing, you undertake missions from various clients who will reward you with both experience and money should you succeed. The problem with this method is that you are too early in the game to undertake any major quests and the few quests in between are simple ones like 'catch that cat' or 'clean my windows'. Overall, these quests were made to familiarize you to the area and its citizens. Another problem with this method is that you will be working for people you would rather not work with. For example, you remember when in the first time around you had already achieved badass status, yet you are still given quests to mow a civilian's lawn. Frankly, you would just give these NPC's the finger and leave. The other method, grinding, is why you are where you are right now. Grinding is a gamers' jargon for repeatedly doing an action, usually killing lower level generic units that give experience points, to achieve higher levels. This repeated action was a bane (read: bore) for many gamers during the earlier eras of gaming, but with the recent advancements in virtual technology, it was no longer. If there's one human alone, they're a saint. If there are two, they're lovers. And if there's a third, well, one of them will kill the other. "It really is a foolish thing, war, to fight and die for the ideals and ambitions of the select few who manage to lie and cheat and steal till they can stand above others and order them as they will." Then why are you willing to do it,?" "It's not for them. In the end, we're all going to die. But if I die first, then I can keep how many of them alive for just a bit longer?" "That's not saving, that's protecting. There's a difference," To speak in battle is a sin "In the end, the woman had a choice, "She could kill the man like all the others whom had been responsible, or she could spare him for saving her, and then spending the rest of his life trying to atone for the crime he had committed unaware." "She made a choice. The opinion I want from you, was which one she should have taken." "What a stupid question," "That woman was that woman, just like I and me. Right answers, wrong answers, what is just and what is evil. Those are the foolish woolgathering of useless naïve poets." "In the end, the woman would simply look at her life, look over her options, and choose the one that is right for her. Even if later, time and new information would cause her to think that she had made the wrong one, at that moment, and with all she knew at the time, she would have made the best one for her. Even if she should think it the wrong one later, at least she should know that at the time she made it for the right reasons." It's a side effect of being a woman. And maybe a bit of their being nobles as well,""They don't even realize that they're being cruel by diminishing my actions by transferring them onto Louise. Women do that a lot too." "You see," it's due to this emotional instability that sometimes women can often do callous and cruel things. Naturally, as a member of the more stable gender, it's my duty to act stoic and to ignore their occasional accidental heartlessness." "So men don't on occasion do heartless things as well?" "No, we do heartless things too. It's just that we do them on purpose." "For instance, a woman might do something silly like try to take advantage of a heartfelt reunion between comrades who had been separated through a tragic incident to stir up trouble against one of the comrades by pretending as though she had been having sex with said comrade, resulting in the member of the reunion being blasted with magic and hit in the head with a frying pan." "A man on the other hand, would take advantage of the fact that someone else can't really respond do to the other person's situation, and then start making fun of them ruthlessly." "I've decided on a course of action." "I've decided that I shall slaughter the innocent," "I shall murder all who stand in my way, sparing none, until my name is synonymous with fear itself, thus cementing my status as an Anti-Hero," "Then, once my reign of terror is finally ended, I shall wait patiently at the Throne of Heroes for however how long it takes until one of the infinite realities that exist that still performs the ritual of the Holy Grail War summons me forth. Then, I shall resume killing all around me until my blood stained hands hold the Holy Grail itself. Once I have the all powerful artifact, I shall use it to force the Root of the World, the well spring of all creation, to assume a human male form in my presence." "And then I'm going to kick it in the balls so hard that all of reality will simultaneously feel it." Tell me and I will forget. Show me and I may remember. Involve me and I will understand "Here, the sensitive strains of the impressionistic music combined with the subtle artistry of the animator will finally answer that age-old question; 'What is man's relationship with nature?'-- Oh, sorry. That age-old question; 'What would happen if you gave a yo-yo to a flock of flamingos?!'... Who wrote this?" -- James Earl Jones from Fantasia 2000 "The first kind of heros are the ones you know doubt now about, the ones who perform great acts of nobility, and perform their goals while remaining above reproach, the kind who inspires others for generations to come with their purity." "The other kinds of heroes are called the anti-heroes. They're ones who also accomplish goals, and may even save thousands with their actions, but in the end the actions themselves are bloodstained and most often dishonest or just plain unforgiveable." "Light thinks that it travels faster than anything, but it is wrong. No matter how fast light travels, it finds that the darkness has gotten there first, and is always waiting for it."- Terry Pratchett "The universe is run by the complex interweaving of three elements: energy, matter, and enlightened self-interest." -Ambassador G'kar "I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody." Bill Cosby In umbris potestas est is a Latin phrase meaning "In the shadows, there is power". "One cannot have power of that magnitude and still think and perceive the universe as we do." ―Kreia, Star Wars- Knights of the Old Republic 2; The Sith Lords Here is a little mathematical logic: What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these If: is represented as: Then: H-A -R -D-W-O -R -K and K -N -O -W-L -E-D-G-E But * A-T -T -I -T -U -D-E And, B -U -L -L -S -H-I -T AND, look how far ass kissing will take you. A-S -S -K -I -S-S -I -N-G So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that While* Hard work* and You know you’re an obsessed Babylon 5 fan when… 1. You think Chekhov was really Bester doing an undercover spy mission. 2. You go around asking everyone "What do you want?”…and run away panicking when someone says “Who are you?” (or vice versa). 3. You wonder what the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy says about the Shadows. 4. You look up the last name 'Morden' in your local phone book... and when you find one, you call him up and ask him to have his ‘associates’ pay a visit to the TNT. executive who decided to cancel the funding for Crusade... and then you start reading obituaries, hoping to see news that a TNT. exec died under mysterious circumstances. 5. You start wondering when Scully and Mulder will capture a Shadow. 6. You use a short sword to kill cockroaches. 7. You could swear for a second that the comment on your test says "Mathematics not Zathras skill". 8. You wonder why words like "Minbari" and "Z’ha’dum" aren't in your spell checker. 9. Your spell checker actually recognizes words like "Minbari" and "Z’ha’dum". 10 You flunk your history final because you list the sixteenth US President as being Abrahamo Linconi. 11. You wear a T-shirt that says "My boy/girlfriend went to Z'ha'dum, and all I got was this lousy T-shirt." 12. Your daily schedule always ends with: Watch a Babylon 5 tape/DVD. 13. The B5 universe is more real to you than the real world. 14. Your cat lays on you in the middle of the night and you wake up screaming, mistaking your cat for a Keeper. 15. You can't sit through a slide-presentation on squids and other bizarre aquatic creatures without screaming out "VORLON!" http://www.economist.com/node/16885894 http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Awesome/WorldWarII Anybody who's seen the Dogfights episode Long Odds can talk about the scouting mission by Old 666, which a squadron of Japanese planes painfully discovered was heavily customized by their crew into probably the most well-armed aircraft of the war. To clarify, "Old 666" was a B-17E bomber, serial number 12666. It was believed to be a cursed bomber due to it coming back from every mission with horrific battle damage. It was left at the end of a runway for spare parts. One crew, under Captain Jay Zeamer, needed a bomber, and Old 666 was the only one available. So, the crew took her, fixed her up, and loaded her with more (and bigger) guns than a normal B-17, replacing her usual loadout of .30cals to .50cals and raising her gun count from 13 to 19. During the mission, the Japanese planes attacked what they thought was the defenseless nose, until the custom front station smashed three Zeroes. The bomber continued to fight off a swarm of no less than 15 Japanese fighters by itself for an hour. The bomber suffered extreme damage again, with most, if not all of the crew, wounded (and one dead), but managed to land mostly intact. Therefore, not even Satan can ignore the effects of More Dakka. "You are a man haunted by the two most terrible words in existence; What... If...." The other thing that made the Polish awesome? Even their pets fought. In the battle of Monte Cassino, one of the artillery supply units was aided by a Syrian Brown Bear they'd raised from a cub. Wojtek, known as the "Soldier Bear" became so popular and so well liked among the soldiers for his personality and efficiency in moving crates of ammunition that his unit's badge was changed to a bear carrying an artillery shell. Wojtek smoked cigarettes, drank beer from the bottle, wrestled with the men and retired to Edinburgh Zoo after the war.According to one story, Wojek (who was fond of steam baths) entered the bathhouse at his unit's base one day and found a spy. Recognizing him as a threat, Wojek punched out the spy. Can you imagine what must have gone through the spy's head on being uncovered by a bear?This troper suspects that it was a combination of the words 'bear', 'fucking', 'God', 'My', 'Oh', 'I'm', 'punched', 'about', 'by', 'to' and 'be'.Alternatively, "Everythings Worse With Bears!" as he ran like hell.Somehow, I think it may have simply been Oh Crap.This troper's grandfather was among the Polish troops at Monte Cassino and he's damn proud.Really, all that needed to be said for this to be a CMoA was "The Polish troops at Monte Cassino had a bear as a pet. This bear punched a spy." Marine Corporal Alvin York. During WWI, his unit was sent to capture a German railroad, when they came under fire from dozens of hidden German machine gun nests. With half the squad dead and the other half cowering, York stood alone with his rifle and took concentrated fire from thirty-two machine gunners and over 100 German riflemen and didn't. Receive. A scratch.He fired back, killing 28 Germans, and according to his account he didn't even miss. York: I jes couldn't miss a German's head or body at that distance. And I didn't. Besides, it weren't no time to miss nohow. The Germans, slowly realizing that York was somehow not dying from the hurricane of lead they were firing at him, sent a six-man squad to rush him. Since he had only a few shots left in his rifle, York drew his pistol and shot them all down, back to front, so the ones in front wouldn't notice the others dying until too late. Shortly after, he accepted an offer of surrender from the German major present and marched all 130 or so remaining soldiers back to his base as prisoners (surviving several false surrender gambits including brushing off a hand grenade attack from one such, as well as heavy artillery fire all the while he was escorting the captured soldiers), after having had tens or hundreds of thousands of bullets from scores of heavy machine guns and rifles fired at him without leaving a mark on his body. Not enough gun,it seems. York: So I am a witness to the fact that God did help me out of that hard battle; for the bushes were shot up all around me and I never got a scratch. Jose M. Lopez. It is commonly accepted wisdom that the M stands for Motherfucking. Just ask the Nazis. The scene was the Battle of the Bulge, 1944, during World War II. Lopez's story is actually rather similar to that of Alvin York, except Lopez did suffer a few scratches. Only a few. Oh, and Lopez also took on a Tank which was firing shells directly at him(many striking close enough to bowl him over repeatedly...that's where his scratches came from) in addition to endless waves of Nazi soldiers. Oh, and his final kill count was estimated to be just over a hundred men he singlehandedly mowed down, saving his entire company from being over-run. Oh, and he did all this while running back and forth to different sides of the battlefield with his 30 pound machine gun everytime they were about to be outflanked, then singlehandedly pushing the tide of Nazis back. Oh, and he never had any cover that protected him above the waist. Now you see why the M stands for Motherfucking? The above two events were amazing. The following is unbelievable: Pavlov's House. A small group of Russians, was sent to capture a small, rundown house. Only 4 survived the battle. They fortified the position with barbed wire, mines, mounted machine guns, and a trench to the back lines, and waited for the German counterattack. Russia had poor supplies, tactics, and communications; their entire battle plan was basically to rush the enemy and hope they wouldn't lose too many men. They repeatedly lost to smaller countries and was considered incompetent and backwards. Russia was the country that lost to Finland in a previous war, regardless of the fact that it was literally 1000 times as large. Germany was the country that captured entire countries in mere weeks. Obviously, Germany would easily capture this one little rundown house. Enter Sargent Pavlov. Even though the house never had more than 12 men defending it, it was the one place Germany could never capture. German soldiers were dying so often, that in-between battles Russian soldiers had to run out and knock over the dead bodies, otherwise the enemy would use the literal walls of corpses for cover. Pavlov found that enemy tanks couldn't aim very high, so he put an anti-tank rifle on the roof, and personally took down 12 tanks himself. After two months of fighting, with German forces regularly attacking the house day and night, major reinforcements came and Pavlov's house was secured by the Russian army. Some sources report Germany lost more men attempting to take over this one dinky little house than their entire campaign in France. The German army had it marked as a fortress on all of the maps. And Pavlov? He received every medal imaginable. "Understanding is a three edged sword" "The universe is already mad, anything else is just redundant" Amis: (after waking up in the brig) Oh, God. What did I do this time? Londo awakes from a coma.) (about John and Teyla's exchange) Dr. Beckett: (wistfully) How come I never make friends like that? Dr. McKay: You really need to get out more. Dr. Beckett: We're in another galaxy. How much more out can you get? -Stargate Atlantis, The Rising "Give a man a fire and he'll be warm for a night. Set a man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life." Morituri Nolumus Mori" "Er...roughly speaking, it means, 'We who are about to die don't want to,' sir."" "War is an ugly thing, but it is not the ugliest of things. The decayed and degraded state of moral and patriotic feeling, which thinks that nothing is worth war, is much worse. The person who has nothing for which he is willing to fight, nothing which is more important than his own personal safety, is a miserable creature and has no chance of being free unless made and kept so by the exertions of better men than himself." - John Stuart Mill People say "stupid", but they really mean "disagree with me." Since nobody can comprehend that they might be wrong, they have to assume everyone who doesn't believe what they do must be an idiot or insane.- anonymous “Its so much easier to see the world in black and white…. Gray? I don't know what to do with gray….” - Garrus Vakarian "We are the most powerful military force in the history of man. Every fight is our fight, because what happens over here matters over there. We don't get to sit one out. Learning to use the tools of modern warfare is the difference between the prospering of your people, and utter destruction. We can't give you freedom. But we can give you the know-how to acquire it. And that, my friends, is worth more than a whole army base of steel. Sure it matters who's got the biggest stick, but it matters a helluva lot more who's swinging it. This is a time for heroes. A time for legends. History is written by the victors. Let's get to work." -Gen. Shepherd, Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2. "You keep what you kill." Robin Hood: Blinkin, listen to me. They've taken the castle! Screw The Rules, I'm Doing What's Right "Lex iniusta non est lex: An unjust law is no law at all." — Augustine of Hippo Yet nothing warms my heart so much as the sight of a gun so massive that its fury makes the very world tremble. First Captain Lysander of the Imperial Fists, Warhammer 40000 "Do you think that you don't deserve to have someone give a shit about you because of the way your life turned out?" "The Ku Klux Klan, LLC. has not or EVER will have ANY connection with The "Westboro Baptist Church". We absolutely repudiate their tactics." Press release from the Ku Klux Klan's website, September 2003 The Gods of Chaos from Warhammer and Warhammer 40000 can be considered to be this. Technically they aren't necessarily evil (just chaotic), but seeing how they are mostly powered by negative emotions, have armies of daemons, followers that tend to enjoy burning, killing, raping and/or corrupting whatever they come across, and want to reduce the material universe into pure chaos, it's pretty safe to consider them evil. C'Tan in 40, 000 have no other ambition than killing all form of life in the universe and eating its soul. The best (worst) part about the evil, universe-destroying Gods of Chaos is their portfolio. Tzeentch is the god of change, ambition, and hope. Likewise, Nurgle, the god of corruption and disease also happens to genuinely love his followers. Khorne, god of hatred, violence and bloodshed also happens to be the god of courage and honor, while Slaanesh, god(ess) of hedonism and decadence also happens to be the god(ess) of love and passion. There are some actions not even some of the chaos gods will stand for, like bringing the head of a defenseless opponent to Khorne, which is a certain way to get yourself killed, although not for a very noble reason. Khorne is, after all, the god of Ax Crazy Blood Knights. There are, however, some fairly unambiguously evil gods in Warhammer, although there is generally some argument (in-universe and out) as to whether they are gods in their own right, or aspects of another (and occasionally, as to which other god they are an aspect of). Khaine (God of Murder, Assassins and Poisoners) is a case in point, with some claiming he is an aspect of Khorne as worshipped by the elves even to the point of claiming he's an elven blend of Khorne and Slaanesh, and the reason for the emnity of those two deities, while some say he's an aspect of Morr (God of Death, Dreams and Omens), and those who say Khaine is a god in his own right are split as to whether he's Morr's younger brother, or one of the children of Asuryan and Eldanesh Morr being a human god, while the others are part of the elven pantheon . Stromfels (God of Storms, Pirates, Sharks and Wreckers) is in a similar, though less extreme position being either an aspect of, or rebellious younger brother to Manann, God of the Sea . The Horned Rat, though, is pretty a pretty straightforward evil god, complete with his own species of evil anthropomorphic rats to worship him. Khaine is more of a Type V Anti-Hero in practice, his two most notable feats being fighting off the far more evil Ctan god The Nightbringer, and the Chaos god Slaanesh, though he lost to the latter and the former wounded him which ended up preventing the Eldar from reincarnating, ie. when they died, so now did their souls. So, he's a God of Evil who finds himself on the side of good. Or less evil. "OK, I've just about had my FILL of riddle asking, quest assigning, insult throwing, pun hurling, hostage taking, iron mongering, smart arsed fools, freaks, and felons that continually test my will, mettle, strength, intelligence, and most of all, patience! If you've got a straight answer ANYWHERE in that bent little head of yours, I want to hear it pretty damn quick or I'm going to take a large blunt object roughly the size of Elminster AND his hat, and stuff it lengthwise into a crevice of your being so seldom seen that even the denizens of the nine hells themselves wouldn't touch it with a twenty-foot rusty halberd! Have I MADE myself perfectly CLEAR — The Player Character Mal: Well, look at this! Appears we got here just in the nick of time. What does that make us? Mustrum: How's things in the godbothering business? Hughnon: Not bad. How's the tinkering with things men was not meant to understand? Mustrum: Pretty fair. Pretty fair. Stories are important. People think that stories are shaped by people. In fact, it's the other way round. Stories... have evolved... The strongest have survived, and they have grown fat... Stories etch grooves deep enough for people to follow... A thousand wolves have eaten grandmother, a thousand princesses have been kissed... Stories don't care who takes part in them. All that matters is that the story gets told, that the story repeats. Terry Pratchett in Witches Abroad, describing the Theory Of Narrative Causality If you're wearing it, you're asking for it. "Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right." —Salvor Hardin, Foundation Messenger: This is blasphemy! This is madness! Leonidas: Madness?... This! Is! SPARTA!" — 300 "The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the iniquities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who in the name of charity and goodwill shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee!" You got gyped The Court of The Crimson King The dance of the puppets The purple piper plays his tune The keeper of the city keys The black queen chants, the funeral march The gardener plants an evergreen The pattern juggler lifts his hand On soft gray mornings widows cry The yellow jester does not play hostis humani generis or "enemy of all mankind" Grossman: This is Les Grossman. Who is this? Flaming Dragon: This is Flaming Dragon! Grossman: Oh. Okay. Flaming Dragon. Fuckface. First, take a step back, and literally FUCK YOUR OWN FACE! *Beat* Now, I don't know what kind of Pan-Pacific bullshit power play you're trying to pull on me, but Asia, Jack, is my territory. So whatever you're thinking, you better think again! Otherwise I'm gonna have to head down there and I will rain down an ungodly fucking firestorm upon you! You're gonna have to call the fucking United Nations and get a fucking binding resolution to keep me from fucking destroying you. I'm talking about scorched Earth, motherfucker! I will massacre you! I WILL FUCK YOU UP! Not every time. Not all the time. But in most cases, the following should serve as a guide on how not to fail at writing fanfiction in nearly any genre you care to tackle. Sure, there are always exceptions to the rule, but if you have to ask yourself if you're that exception, then you probably aren't and should defer to the advice below. For those who have stumbled across this before, I've edited this introduction to be a fraction more professional in nature and slightly less abrasive, but you can still blame my overuse of the word 'fail' on DCG. -Ozz 1) Your summary fails. It really does. This is the hook, your foot in the door. Avoid asking your readers questions here and avoid references to other parts of said fic. "What if Ranma fell into the world of Mario and saved the princess?" HE'LL EXPLODE INTO GOOEY CHUNKS AND SHOWER THE MUSHROOM KINGDOM WITH CRIMSON RAIN, DROWNING TURTLES AND PLUMBERS ALIKE IN A LAKE OF MARTIAL ARTS CARNAGE. Seriously, don't give your reader a chance to answer that question themselves. Next time you read a summary that's formed into a question, please remember the above reply. Secondly, such summaries impart no useful information to your audience. Likewise, "Continuing from part five, review my ass please" is similarly annoying. Hey genius, I didn't read part one. What's that about again? Convince me I should take the time to read chapter 1 before even considering part five. Be creative, give them a little bite of what to expect. Most entertaining is "I'm bad at summaries." The amount of fail in that statement could light Crystal Tokyo for a couple hundred years and encourages nobody to read your fic. 2) Your Grammar/Spelling fails.This is a direct indication of how much you care about your fic, and therefore how much we as readers should care about the fic. Every time you fail miserably at this, Chuck Norris kills a kitten. What's worse, you know you're failing and release the fic anyway. Don't cry when you get reamed by your reviewers. Why you aren't molesting the spell/grammar check function at a minimum is beyond me. 3) Your Plot Bludgeons fail.What is a plot bludgeon? You know, those pieces of information you impart on readers so obvious it hurts to read. An example of one I recently encountered-- Ukyo was really a flat chested man, unwraps himself to reveal that fact and say, "heheh, I can't believe I keep fooling them!" ...And i would have gotten away with it too if it hadn't been for those darn kids. Okay, so you want to get a point across to the reader. Great. But very rarely is there call to light your plot point up as a huge neon lit Las Vegas strip sign. Learn subtlety. Weave it naturally into the story. Ranma is a genius! Great, but tell me a story about it, not as an outright fact. Exceptions do exist, though most don't apply to you anyway. 4) Your obscure plot fails.Big rule... The more obscure/complex your plot is, the more it needs built up through detail and story telling. Likewise, the more important an event is in that plot, the more attention you need to pay it. Glossing over critical events is not allowed. Zap! Ranma is a female permanently now and feels suicidal. Huh? What? Ranma got mad and killed his father for all the injustices visited upon him. Whoa there, Tex. Might want to tell us what triggered that rampage or what led up to the critical events that you insist require only one sentence of explanation. If you have something weird going on, your readers might like to know some basic information... Like who, what, why, how, where, some history, motivations, etc... 5) Your Dialogue fails. This mainly pertains to the structuring of said dialogue, not the content. The Pope will visit you tonight and rape your keyboard if you ever post a page full of dialogue without framing and context again. Don't assume your reader knows who's talking. Tell them who is talking. If you're feeling frisky, tell them how that character feels when they're talking. maybe the expressions on their face. What they're doing. Dialogue is like a picture... It needs a frame if you're going to hang it on the wall properly. Of course, you could just nail it up there, but that's why you fail. 6) Your Shallow characters fail.Believe it or not, not everybody has read your favorite series. I KNOW! It's tough to swallow, but it's true. Take a moment to tell us a bit about their appearance. Detail their mannerisms though story telling. Sure, you can assume that if they're reading in a certain section they probably have at least basic knowledge of the series, but frankly that's a poor excuse not to embellish your characters with detail and depth. Sure, everybody knows who Optimus Prime is (did I just use him as an example? Yeck), but your story will fail less if you paint him in color instead of black and white. 7) Your short chapters fail. Hardcore. Mainly, because they give you very little space to impart critical plot and/or knowledge to the reader, forcing you to condense a lot of information into a short blurb. This normally leads to failures 2 through 6. Similarly, you drag out scenes that really should be combined into one flowing work. For example, watching Ranma wallow in angst for several short chapters while not really taking the story anywhere is not fun. It's like watching an episode of Dragonball Z once a week. It's excruciating. 8) Your derivative plot fails.Wheee! Ranma loses his memory after being locked as a female! Most readers are not opposed to this on average, but before you go thinking you're Stephen King, remember two things: He's dead, and assume it's been done before and buy a six pack of originality down at the corner 7-11. Your story/chapter needs a hook, no matter how good it is. Just because it has been done doesn't mean you shouldn't try your hand at it, but do your research on the competition before you just dive right in. 9) Your reviewers fail.Actually, no they don't. They're entitled to their opinion. Don't get defensive and don't argue with them because you're inherently insecure about your work. Self-confidence is required when facing your reviewers and actually debating their opinion on your work is bad taste. Honestly, why did you even bother posting in the first place? If you're writing for enjoyment, they shouldn't matter anyway. If you're writing to improve yourself, take notes. Nothing says insecurity and ass like a running review war. Yes, reviewers CAN be wrong, but so what? Arguing with them is a waste of your time anyway. 10) Your Alterverse fails.What do you get when you strip your main character of his canon personality, kill off all the supporting cast and send him off into another crossover series? You get one big bucket of suck. Any story where you can replace the main character with the name "Ed" and not know the difference automatically fails nine times out of ten. Do yourself a favor and assume you aren't that tenth time. Why did you even bother choosing that character and series to begin with if you were just going to piss all over the story and abandon it next chapter? Ha ha ha! Ranma doesn't have a curse, lost all his memories to the neko-ken and has been training with Bruce Lee in the cyber-wars of 2010! O.o' Of course that's ridiculous sounding, but its amazing how many aspiring authors totally divorce the characters from their original canon so completely. The sooner you accept the fact that you should scrub these fics from your hard drive with a brillo pad, the better. 11) Your Cause and Effect fails. Logical continuity will save plots that have no right being saved. Even yours. Thinking things through to their most logical conclusion is the hallmark of a well written story; as opposed to just going with a theme that sounds good and plowing though cause and effect like a semi plowing through a 30 car pile-up. When you're writing up a plot device, think the consequences of that path through and write the story around those consequences. Outlandish plot points are fine toward this end. You want Naruto to be a sexy demon slayer? Great! But think over. How you get there will make or break your fic, and generally the most easily explainable means toward that end are the best ones. Ask cause and effect questions at every stage of your fic. For every decision your character makes. For every action that happens in their proximity. Treat them as real people. How will they react? The more you have to justify those reactions and the more outlandish they sound, the more you are failing at it. This failure not only runs hand in hand with Fanfiction Failure #4, but has far reaching consequences in other failures at well. New! Fanfiction Failure Metarules for Writers Things to look out for as an author to help you win more than fail at fanfiction. Fanfiction Failure Metarule #1-- Readers will absolute love a completed work but will invariably pick apart and inadvertently attempt to destroy it if given a hand in its creation. Be especially wary of open forums in this regard. Either have a healthy self image or screen your pre-readers carefully to avoid this failure. Fanfiction Failure Metarule #2-- The phrase "...that's just another excuse to (plot device)." indicates you are dealing with a person of below average insight as to how fiction is written. These people should not be allowed to influence your work in any way because everything is a means to an end and is therefore "an excuse" to achieve that end. For example; "...(plot device) is just another excuse to lock Ranma as a girl." This is an empty statement attempting to hide behind factual expertise; a bludgeon used by particular readers that don't get their way or don't approve of your plot. It contains no value beyond personal opinion and should therefor be treated as such. Fanfiction Failure Metarule #3-- There is no impossible in fanfiction. Every once in a while you'll run into that anal retentive plot nazi that will say it simply can't be done like that. It doesn't matter what 'that' is because 'it' simply can't be done and they are, of course, the foremost authority on such matters. Normally this advisement is made by people that don't know they're closet creativity thieves; people who don't realize that their favorite series usually has either plot holes you can drive a death star through or that same series has Lucky God martial Artists, Flying airships, and springs of drowned Asura-zebra-octopi-phoenix-yeti-bulls. Sadly, their disagreements usual come down to little more than opinion of what is in reality- say it with me -magical bullshit. As such, these people should be given as little creative share in your work as possible. All that said, there is a difference between the broken ideology of "can't be done" and the more realistic "shouldn't be done". Consult the Rules of Fanfiction Failure for a head start on those. Fanfiction Failure Metarule #4-- "It's been done before!" is never an excuse not to do it again. Some of the best works you will ever read in fanfiction "have been done before" and it's still amazing how these will be the first words out of reader's mouths when running an idea past them- even though they absolutely HAVE to know somewhere in the back of their mind that this is an empty statement, because half the fics they enjoy "have been done before". Don't take this one personally. It's reflex. Smile, nod and continue writing anyway with Rule of Fanfiction Failure #8 somewhere in the back of your mind. Fanfiction Failure Metarule #5-- Fanon is not a sin. That's right folks, its time to drop the rosaries and stop going to those cleansing ceremonies because contrary to what you have been led to believe, fanon is not the end of the world. What is the end of the world is not knowing the difference between fanon and canon. Even if you don't know, your readers will and there's a good chance that your fic will deserve the smack-down heaped upon you even as your pitiful cries of "no flames" go unnoticed in the fic summary. Fanon often personalizes a fic and can- and I stress can -make it better than the original source material, but like Fan Fic Failure #13, knowing what you're doing to canon before you rape it at the alter will make or break a fic.
This is a true story. A girl died in 1933. A man buried her when she was still alive. The murder chanted, "Toma Sota balcu," as he buried her. Now that you have read this chant, you will meet this little girl. In the middle of the night she will be on your ceiling. She will suffocate you like she was suffocated. If you post this on your profile, she will not bother you. Your kindness will be rewarded. Lucillia Last month a world-wide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was: "Could you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a massive failure because of the following: 1. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant. 2. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant. 3. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant. 4. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant. 5. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant. 6. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant. 7. In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant. 8. In Canada: We all hung up as soon as we heard the East Indian accent. AH, the memories of the good ol 90's http://whathappenedinmybirthyear.com/ In 1991, the world was a different place. There was no Google yet. Or Yahoo. Or Mail.eidnet.org, for that matter. In 1991, the year of your birth, the top selling movie was Terminator 2: Judgment Day. People buying the popcorn in the cinema lobby had glazing eyes when looking at the poster. Remember, that was before there were DVDs. People were indeed watching movies in the cinema, and not downloading them online. Imagine the packed seats, the laughter, the excitement, the novelty. Do you know who won the Oscars that year? The academy award for the best movie went to The Silence of the Lambs. The Oscar for best foreign movie that year went to Mediterraneo. The top actor was Anthony Hopkins for his role as Hannibal Lecter in The Silence of the Lambs. The top actress was Jodie Foster for her role as Clarice Starling in The Silence of the Lambs. The best director? Jonathan Demme for The Silence of the Lambs. In the year 1991, the time when you arrived on this planet, books were still popularly read on paper, not on digital devices. Trees were felled to get the word out. The number one US bestseller of the time was Scarlett by Alexandra Ripley. Oh, that's many years ago. Have you read that book? Have you heard of it? Look at the cover! In 1991... Soviet forces storm Vilnius to stop Lithuanian independence. The United Nations deadline for the withdrawal of Iraqi forces from occupied Kuwait expires, preparing the way for the start of Operation Desert Storm. Four Los Angeles, California police officers are indicted for the videotaped March 3 beating of motorist Rodney King during an arrest. Albania has its first multi-party elections. Comedy Central is launched. The Pittsburgh Penguins defeat the Minnesota North Stars 8-0 in Game 6 to win their first Stanley Cup in franchise history. Croatia and Slovenia declare their independence from Yugoslavia. The Super Nintendo Entertainment System is released in the United States. Soviet President Mikhail Gorbachev is put under house arrest while vacationing in the Crimea during a coup. The attempted coup, led by Vice President Gennady Yanayev and 7 hard-liners, collapses in less than 72 hours. The Huntington Library makes the Dead Sea Scrolls available to the public for the first time. The American Galileo spacecraft makes its closest approach to 951 Gaspra, becoming the first probe to visit an asteroid. Freddie Mercury, the lead singer and frontman of British rock group Queen dies. The first report on Carbon nanotubes is published by Sumio Iijima in the journal Nature. The video game of the day was Super Mario World. That was the world you were born into. Since then, you and others have changed it. The Nobel prize for Literature that year went to Nadine Gordimer. The Nobel Peace prize went to Aung San Suu Kyi. The Nobel prize for physics went to Pierre-Gilles de Gennes from France for discovering that methods developed for studying order phenomena in simple systems can be generalized to more complex forms of matter, in particular to liquid crystals and polymers. The sensation this created was big. But it didn't stop the planets from spinning, on and on, year by year. Years in which you would grow bigger, older, smarter, and, if you were lucky, sometimes wiser. Years in which you also lost some things. Possessions got misplaced. Memories faded. Friends parted ways. The best friends, you tried to hold on. This is what counts in life, isn't it? The 1990s were indeed a special decade. The Nineties saw the beginnings of the World Wide Web, originating at CERN. Email becomes popular. The Soviet Union dissolved. Living standards in East Asia and Europe generally improved. The Cold War ends. Iraqi forces invade Kuwait. A UN coalition force led by the US was sent to the Persian Gulf, and aerial bombing of Iraq began. The Kosovo War took place. The Ethiopian Civil War ends. Dolly, a sheep, is cloned. The Global Positioning System GPS becomes fully operational. Genetically engineered crops are developed for commercial use. Intel develops the Pentium processor. The Java programming language is created. Microsoft released Windows 95. In Los Angeles, riots occur after the police brutality case involving Rodney King. Great Britain hands sovereignty of Hong Kong to China. East Timor breaks away from Indonesian control. US president Bill Clinton was involved in the Lewinsky scandal. Dogme 95 becomes an important artistic movement in European film. Teen soap Beverly Hills 90210 has its long run. Baywatch becomes the most watched show in history. On MTV, reality television makes its beginning. Nelson Mandela is elected president of South Africa. Germany was reunified. The prediction of computer bug Y2K spreads fear. Do you know what was on the cover of Life that year? There's a kid outside, shouting, playing. It doesn't care about time. It doesn't know about time. It shouts and it plays and thinks time is forever. You were once that kid. When you were 9, the movie Dungeons & Dragons was playing. When you were 8, there was Inspector Gadget. When you were 7, there was a Disney movie out called Tarzan. Does this ring a bell? 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... it's 1991. There's TV noise coming from the second floor. Someone turned up the volume way too high. The sun is burning from above. These were different times. The show playing on TV is Clarissa Explains it All. The sun goes down. Someone switches channels. There's The Red Green Show on now. That's the world you were born in. Progress, year after year. Do you wonder where the world is heading towards? The technology available today would have blown your mind in 1991. Do you know what was invented in the year you were born? The Memory Card. Well, the year it's 1991 That's from the song Sell Out by The Levellers. It's 2011. The world is a different place. What path have you taken? http://www.neave.com/strobe/ THE GAY FLIGHT ATTENDANT (This one is too funny to not forward.)* My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a Man is a frightened animal, always running in the wrong direction. In all our histories, adventures and fictions, most are too seek the wonder of over ther hills and far away to disatnt lands and spaces in between. Rare it is too see us pause or be at peace with the elysium we find. Hatred is often easiest to bear onto others rather than were it truly belongs. For when we are brought still by time or circumstance and all everything are burned by eminity. The greatest adventure to be found is oneself and fewer are brave enough still to look into the void and see how big the monster within has grown. Wretched beings we are, packing and filling the spaces so too bury lies of past and sins of moments. But for those who perserve, sift though the rubble and uptake shouldering burdens of penance though forgiveness is never earned. and embrace the duality of balance. Dancing twixt light and dark The good sewn and bad festering. Maybe someday, Walking in the gray won't be so hard. Nuclear Radiation Tester for the Home If you are concerned about radiation fallout from Japan's Fukushima innovative and inexpensive radiation tester you can use anywhere in your home. 1. Open a bag of Orville Redenbacher microwave popcorn. 2. Leave it on a table and if it starts popping, you're fucked. You're welcome. Homeland Security Subject: FW: The Funeral As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I Apparently I'm still lost... it's a man thing http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vo0Cazxj_yc http://www.news.com.au/technology/terry-pratchett-creates-a-sword-with-meteorites/story-e6frfro0-1225926584339 During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old age home?" "No" he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?" ARE YOU GOING TO PASS THIS ON … OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE? In Real Hot Sauce Now Restaurant London, UK Food & Eating, Illegal, Top (I walk in and stand in a line. I’ve been there for all of five seconds before a man runs in, elbows his way to the front of the queue and slams a burger in front of the cashier. She is a young teenager.) Customer: "You f*ing b*! How many f*ing times do I have to tell you no f*ing sauce?!" Cashier: *smiling all the way through the exchange* "I’m sorry sir, what seems to be the problem?" Customer: "You f*ing up my burger! I want a refund now!" Cashier: "Certainly, sir! Do you remember what time you came in at?" Customer: "How am I supposed to f*ing know? You’re the one who took the d* order!" Cashier: "I’ll have a look, sir, if you give me one moment." (She taps her screen, all the while being yelled abuse at by the customer. All the other customers have since cleared out, except for me. I motion to the cashier that I’ve called the police.) Cashier: "Hm…oh, is this your order?” *rattles off a few items* Customer: "Yes, that’s my d* order! Now give me my f*ing refund!" Cashier: "Certainly, sir, let me just authorise that for you." (She taps on her screen some more and swipes a card a few times.) Customer: "F*ing hurry up, you b*! My f*ing dinner’s getting cold!" Cashier: "My apologies sir, give me one moment. Would you like me to give you a fresh order?" Customer: "You’d better, you b*!” Cashier: *hands customer his refunded money* "Okay, it’ll be three minutes to cook your order so if you’d like to sit down-" (At this point the man throws the money he’s just been given at the cashier and screams abuse at her. She picks up the change and counts it.) Cashier: "Your change comes up to £3.71, which is just enough for another meal. Which one would you like?" Customer: "Would you just hurry up and give me my d* food! Are you f*ing simple or something?” Cashier: "No, just distracting you ’till the police get here." (Two uniformed police officers walk in and take the man away, who is still cursing. The manager walks out of a side room which he has been hiding in–he’s about thirty and male–and offers her a promotion on the spot. She promptly tells him that she’d rather die than be spineless like him and quits. She then pockets the change, grabs most of the food on display and leaves, but not before thanking me and sharing half the food with me.) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R5QxUR-mZVM How's Your Day Going? Life isn't about how to survive the storm, If you are having a bad day, remember it could be worse... STEPHEN HARPER was visiting an Ontario primary school and the class was in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked Mr. Harper if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'Tragedy'. So our illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a'Tragedy'. A little boy stood up and offered: Incorrect', said Harper...'That would be an accident'. A little girl raised her hand: 'I'm afraid not', explained Harper, 'that's what we would refer to as a great loss'' The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Harper searched the room. 'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?' Finally, at the back of the room, little Johnny raised his hand and said: 'If a plane carrying You and Mr. Ignatieff and Mr. Layton and Mr. Duceppe were struck by a 'friendly fire' missile & blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.' 'Fantastic', exclaimed Harper, 'and can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?' 'Well', said Johnny... 'It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be a fucking accident either!' A bloody battle between monsters is about to begin, The dead are dancing, and all hell is singing... "Y'all hold my beer and watch this." "People of Seattle! Listen to me! We are not barbarians! We are not Neanderthals! AND WE ARE NOT FRENCH!" The Man Rules Now here are the rules from the male side.* *These are our rules! 1. *Men are NOT mind readers. 1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it 1. Sunday sports It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. 1. Crying is blackmail. 1. Ask for what you want. 1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question. 1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what 1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. 1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.. 1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways 1. You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done. 1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during 1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we. 1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. 1. If it itches, it will be scratched. 1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's 1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you 1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine.. 1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss 1. You have enough clothes. 1. You have too many shoes. 1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape! 1. Thank you for reading this. Pass this to as many men as you can to give them a laugh. Pass this to as many women as you can -to give them a bigger laugh* "All right, Ladies and Gentlemen, it's oh eight hundred local time, we've practiced this for weeks, in the immortal words of John Glenn, 'Dear Lord, let's not fuck this up.'" SEX AFTER DEATH > > A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back A newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told You must abstain from sex for an entire month." The couple agreed and, after two-and-a-half weeks, returned to his office, the wife was crying, and the husband obviously was verydepressed. "You are back so soon...Is there a problem?" the pastor The pastor asked him what happened. "Well, the first week was difficult; however, we managed to showers, prayer, reading from the Bible, or anything to keep our mindsfree of carnal thoughts. But one afternoon, my wife reached for a can of paint and noticed that she didn't have panties on and I was overcome with lust and "You understand this means you will not be welcome into our "We know," said the young man, hanging his head. "We're not welcome at HOME DEPOT anymore, either." 36 have been accused of spousal abuse 7 have been arrested for fraud 19 have been accused of writing bad checks 117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses 3 have done time for assault 71 repeat 71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit 14 have been arrested on drug-related charges 8 have been arrested for shoplifting 21 currently are defendants in lawsuits, and 84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year Can you guess which organization this is? Give up yet? Scroll down, a a a a a it's the MEMBERS OF THE HOUSE OF COMMONS IN OTTAWA The same group of Idiots that crank out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of us in line. Lemon Squeeze There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.' The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made passionate love to me seven times.' The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.' The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?' The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.' Looks of Disappointment A man was just waking up from anaesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're beautiful.' Then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're cute..' The wife was disappointed because instead of 'beautiful,' it was now 'cute.' She asked, 'What happened to beautiful?' The man replied, 'The drugs are wearing off.' Confession An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues: Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.' Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?' Man: 'What sins?' Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?' Man: 'I'm Jewish.' Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?' Man: 'I'm 92 years old ... I'm telling everybody!' Pest Control A woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector from a pest-control company.. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly. 'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked. The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet.. 'Who are you?' he asked him.. 'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator. 'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked.. 'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man replied. 'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband. The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little bastards!'.. Marriage Humour Wife: 'What are you doing?' Husband: Nothing. Wife: 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.' Husband: 'I was looking for the expiration date.' Wife : 'Do you want dinner?' Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?' Wife: 'Yes or no.' CONFUCIUS DIDN'T SAY Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient. Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly. Better to be pissed off than pissed on. Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent. Squirrel who runs up womans' leg will not find nuts. Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion. Man who runs in front of car gets tired, man who runs behind car gets Man who eats many prunes get good run for money. War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left. Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night. It takes many nails to build a crib, but one screw to fill it. Man who drives like hell is bound to get there. Man who stands on toilet is high on pot. Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement. Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs. Finally CONFUCIUS DID SAY. . ... "A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!" SELF CPR What are you to do if you have a heart attack while you are alone. If you've already received this, it means people care about you. The Johnson City Medical Center staff actually discovered this and did an in-depth study on it in our ICU. The two individuals that discovered this then did an article on it, had it published and have had it incorporated into ACLS and CPR classes. It is very true and has and does work. It is called Cough CPR. A cardiologist says it's the truth, if everyone who gets this sends it to 10 people, you can bet that we'll save at least one life. It could save your life! Let's say it's 6:15 p.m. And you're driving home (alone of course), after an usually hard day on the job. You're really tired, upset and frustrated. Suddenly you start experiencing severe pain in your chest that starts to radiate out into your arm and up into your jaw. You are only about five miles from the hospital nearest your home. Unfortunately you don't know if you'll be able to make it that far. What can you do? You've been trained in CPR but the guy that taught the course didn't tell you what to do if it happened to yourself. Since many people are alone when they suffer a heart attack, this article seemed to be in order. Without help, the person whose heart is beating improperly and who begins to feel faint, has only about 10 seconds left before losing consciousness. However, these victims can help themselves by coughing repeatedly and very vigorously . A deep breath should be taken before each cough, and the cough must be deep and prolonged, as when producing sputum from deep inside the chest. A breath and a cough must be repeated about every two seconds without let up until help arrives, or until the heart is felt to be beating normally again. Deep breaths get oxygen into the lungs and coughing movements squeeze the heart and keep the blood circulating. The squeezing pressure on the heart also helps it regain normal rhythm. In this way, heart attack victims can get to a hospital. Tell as many other people as possible about this, it could save their lives! From Health Cares, Rochester General Hospital via Chapter 240s newsletter 'AND THE BEAT GOES ON ' (reprint from The Mended Hearts, Inc. Publication, Heart Response) BE A FRIEND AND PLEASE SEND THIS ARTICLE TO AS MANY FRIENDS AS POSSIBLE A Truckers Story If this doesn't light your fire ... Your wood is wet! I try not to be biased, but I had my doubts about hiring Stevie. His placement counselor assured me that he would be a good, reliable busboy. But I had never had a mentally handicapped employee and wasn't sure I wanted one. I wasn't sure how my customers would react to Stevie. He was short, a little dumpy with the smooth facial features and thick-tongued speech of Downs Syndrome. I wasn't worried about most of my trucker customers because truckers don't generally care who buses tables as long as the meatloaf platter is good and the pies are homemade. The four-wheeler drivers were the ones who concerned me; the mouthy college kids traveling to school; the yuppie snobs who secretly polish their silverware with their napkins for fear of catching some dreaded 'truck stop germ'; the pairs of white-shirted business men on expense accounts who think every truck stop waitress wants to be flirted with. I knew those people would be uncomfortable around Stevie so I closely watched him for the first few weeks. I shouldn't have worried. After the first week, Stevie had my staff wrapped around his stubby little finger, and within a month my truck regulars had adopted him as their official truck stop mascot. After that, I really didn't care what the rest of the customers thought of him. He was like a 21-year-old kid in blue jeans and Nikes, eager to laugh and eager to please, but fierce in his attention to his duties. Every salt and pepper shaker was exactly in its place, not a bread crumb or coffee spill was visible when Stevie got done with the table. Our only problem was persuading him to wait to clean a table until after the customers were finished. He would hover in the background, shifting his weight from one foot to the other, scanning the dining room until a table was empty. Then he would scurry to the empty table and carefully bus dishes and glasses onto his cart and meticulously wipe the table up with a practiced flourish of his rag. If he thought a customer was watching, his brow would pucker with added concentration. He took pride in doing his job exactly right, and you had to love how hard he tried to please each and every person he met. Over time, we learned that he lived with his mother, a widow who was disabled after repeated surgeries for cancer. They lived on their Social Security benefits in public housing two miles from the truck stop. Their social worker, who stopped to check on him every so often, admitted they had fallen between the cracks. Money was tight, and what I paid him was probably the difference between them being able to live together and Stevie being sent to a group home. That's why the restaurant was a gloomy place that morning last August, the first morning in three years that Stevie missed work. He was at the Mayo Clinic in Rochester getting a new valve or something put in his heart. His social worker said that people with Downs Syndrome often have heart problems at an early age so this wasn't unexpected, and there was a good chance he would come through the surgery in good shape and be back at work in a few months.. A ripple of excitement ran through the staff later that morning when word came that he was out of surgery, in recovery, and doing fine. Frannie, the head waitress, let out a war hoop and did a little dance in the aisle when she heard the good news. Marvin Ringers, one of our regular trucker customers, stared at the sight of this 50-year-old grandmother of four doing a victory shimmy beside his table Frannie blushed, smoothed her apron and shot Marvin a withering look. He grinned. 'OK, Frannie, what was that all about?' he asked... 'We just got word that Stevie is out of surgery and going to be okay.' 'I was wondering where he was. I had a new joke to tell him.. What was the surgery about?' Frannie quickly told Marvin and the other two drivers sitting at his booth about Stevie's surgery, then sighed: ' Yeah, I'm glad he is going to be OK,' she said. 'But I don't know how he and his Mom are going to handle all the bills. >From what I hear, they're barely getting by as it is.' Marvin nodded thoughtfully, and Frannie hurried off to wait on the rest of her tables.. Since I hadn't had time to round up a busboy to replace Stevie and really didn't want to replace him, the girls were busing their own tables that day until we decided what to do. After the morning rush, Frannie walked into my office. She had a couple of paper napkins in her hand and a funny look on her face. 'What's up?' I asked. 'I didn't get that table where Marvin and his friends were sitting cleared off after they left, and Pete and Tony were sitting there when I got back to clean it off,' she said. 'This was folded and tucked under a coffee cup' She handed the napkin to me, and three $20 bills fell onto my desk when I opened it. On the outside, in big, bold letters, was printed 'Something For Stevie..' 'Pete asked me what that was all about,' she said, 'so I told him about Stevie and his Mom and everything , and Pete looked at Tony and Tony looked at Pete, and they ended up giving me this.' She handed me another paper napkin that had 'Something For Stevie' scrawled on its outside. Two $50 bills were tucked within its folds. Frannie looked at me with wet, shiny eyes, shook her head and said simply: 'truckers.' That was three months ago. Today is Thanksgiving, the first day Stevie is supposed to be back to work.. His placement worker said he's been counting the days until the doctor said he could work, and it didn't matter at all that it was a holiday. He called 10 times in the past week, making sure we knew he was coming, fearful that we had forgotten him or that his job was in jeopardy. I arranged to have his mother bring him to work. I then met them in the parking lot and invited them both to celebrate his day back. Stevie was thinner and paler, but couldn't stop grinning as he pushed through the doors and headed for the back room where his apron and busing cart were waiting. 'Hold up there, Stevie, not so fast,' I said. I took him and his mother by their arms. 'Work can wait for a minute.. To celebrate your coming back, breakfast for you and your mother is on me!' I led them toward a large corner booth at the rear of the room. I could feel and hear the rest of the staff following behind as we marched through the dining room. Glancing over my shoulder, I saw booth after booth of grinning truckers empty and join the procession. We stopped in front of the big table. Its surface was covered with coffee cups, saucers and dinner plates, all sitting slightly crooked on dozens of folded paper n apkins. 'First thing you have to do, Stevie, is clean up this mess,' I said. I tried to sound stern. Stevie looked at me, and then at his mother, then pulled out one of the napkins. It had 'Something for Stevie' printed on the outside. As he picked it up, two $10 bills fell onto the table. Stevie stared at the money, then at all the napkins peeking from beneath the tableware, each with his name printed or scrawled on it. I turned to his mother. 'There's more than $10,000 in cash and checks on that table, all from truckers and trucking companies that heard about your problems. 'Happy Thanksgiving.' Well, it got real noisy about that time, with everybody hollering and shouting, and there were a few tears, as well. But you know what's funny? While everybody else was busy shaking hands and hugging each other, Stevie, with a big smile on his face, was busy clearing all the cups and dishes from the table. Best worker I ever hired. Plant a seed and watch it grow.. S KIRT ZIPPER - As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled 'How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!' The 2010 Darwin Awards: You've been waiting for them, breathlessly, so 2010 Darwin Awards. Eighth Place In Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and Seventh Place A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who Sixth Place While at the beach, Daniel Jones, 21, dug an 8 People on the beach used their hands and shovels Fifth Place Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed as he fell Fourth Place Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed as he Third Place After stepping around a marked police patrol car Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by HONOURABLE MENTION Paul Stiller, 47, and his wife Bonnie were bored RUNNER UP Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge, they His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable AND THE WINNER IS... Zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt (Paderborn, Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected IT ALWAYS SEEMS IMPORTANT TO THANK THESE PEOPLE THEMSELVES FROM THE GENE POOL. In parochial school students are taught that lying is a sin. However, Getting a Hairdryer Through Customs. An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, 'Of course child. What may I do for you?' 'Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Hide it 'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie.' 'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.' When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?' From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare.' The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?' I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next!' http://www.qbit.it/lab/bintext.php a 01101110 00110000 00110000 01100010 a 01110011 01110100 01100110 01110101 a 01110111 01110100 01100110 a 01000001 00100000 01110111 01101111 01101101 01100001 01101110 00100000 01100010 01110010 01101001 01101110 01100111 01110011 00100000 01100101 01101001 01100111 01101000 01110100 00101101 01111001 01100101 01100001 01110010 00101101 01101111 01101100 01100100 00100000 01001010 01101111 01101000 01101110 01101110 01111001 00100000 01101000 01101111 01101101 01100101 00100000 01100001 01101110 01100100 00100000 01110100 01100101 01101100 01101100 01110011 00100000 01101000 01101001 01110011 00100000 01101101 01101111 01110100 01101000 01100101 01110010 00100000 01110100 01101000 01100001 01110100 00100000 01101000 01100101 00100000 01110111 01100001 01110011 00100000 01100011 01100001 01110101 01100111 01101000 01110100 00100000 01110000 01101100 01100001 01111001 01101001 01101110 01100111 00100000 01100100 01101111 01100011 01110100 01101111 01110010 01110011 00100000 01100001 01101110 01100100 00100000 01101110 01110101 01110010 01110011 01100101 01110011 00100000 01110111 01101001 01110100 01101000 00100000 01001101 01100001 01110010 01111001 00101100 00100000 01101000 01100101 01110010 00100000 01100101 01101001 01100111 01101000 01110100 00101101 01111001 01100101 01100001 01110010 00101101 01101111 01101100 01100100 00100000 01100100 01100001 01110101 01100111 01101000 01110100 01100101 01110010 00101110 00100000 01001010 01101111 01101000 01101110 01101110 01111001 00100111 01110011 00100000 01101101 01101111 01110100 01101000 01100101 01110010 00100000 01110011 01100001 01111001 01110011 00101100 00100000 00100010 01001100 01100101 01110100 00100111 01110011 00100000 01101110 01101111 01110100 00100000 01100010 01100101 00100000 01110100 01101111 01101111 00100000 01101000 01100001 01110010 01110011 01101000 00100000 01101111 01101110 00100000 01110100 01101000 01100101 01101101 00101110 00101110 00101110 00101110 00100000 01110100 01101000 01100101 01111001 00100000 01100001 01110010 01100101 00100000 01100010 01101111 01110101 01101110 01100100 00100000 01110100 01101111 00100000 01100010 01100101 00100000 01100011 01110101 01110010 01101001 01101111 01110101 01110011 00101110 00101110 00101110 00100000 01100001 01100010 01101111 01110101 01110100 00100000 01110011 01100101 01111000 00100000 01100001 01110100 00100000 01110100 01101000 01100001 01110100 00100000 01100001 01100111 01100101 00101110 00100010 00100000 00100010 01000011 01110101 01110010 01101001 01101111 01110101 01110011 00100000 01100001 01100010 01101111 01110101 01110100 00100000 01110011 01100101 01111000 00111111 00100010 00100000 01110010 01100101 01110000 01101100 01101001 01100101 01110011 00100000 01001101 01100001 01110010 01111001 00100111 01110011 00100000 01101101 01101111 01110100 01101000 01100101 01110010 00101110 00100000 00100010 01001000 01100101 00100111 01110011 00100000 01110100 01100001 01101011 01100101 01101110 00100000 01101000 01100101 01110010 00100000 01100110 01110101 01100011 01101011 01101001 01101110 01100111 00100000 01100001 01110000 01110000 01100101 01101110 01100100 01101001 01111000 00100000 01101111 01110101 01110100 00100001 00100010 BUYER BEWARE! Be careful about buying anything from E-Bay... RIPPED OFF ON E-BAY Spent $50 on E-bay for a penis enlarger. Instructions said don't use in the sun. Cowboy Solution (This is Good) I have lived, loved, lost and loved again. Life is not easy,... but it is what it is.
Arizona, Texas , Oklahoma , Kansas,Colorado, New Mexico , Wyoming , Montana , Utah , Nebraska , Idaho , and the rest of the Wild West are as follows: A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car. His father said he'd make a deal with his son. "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car." The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it. After about six weeks his father said, "Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut." The boy said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible, that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair." (You're going to love the Dad's reply!) "Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?" Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they know they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand. Bruce bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage." Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Bruce, you are only 10. Where will you two live?" Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies, Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay, then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny." Again, Bruce instantly replies, "Our allowance, Jenny makes five bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, so that should do us just fine." Mr. Smith is impressed. Bruce has put so much thought into this. "Well Bruce, it seems like you have everything figured out. I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little children of your own?" Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, we've been lucky so far." Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little shit is adorable.. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SncapPrTusA Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny Old Godzilla was hopping around, And he started beating up Shaquille O'Neal, This is the Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny. Godzilla took a bite out of Optimus Prime, Then he saw Godzilla sneaking up from behind, This is the Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny. Angels sang out in immaculate chorus, Then Gandalf the Grey and Gandalf the White and And Benito Mussolini and The Blue Meanie, Robocop, the Terminator, Lo Pan, Superman, Bill S. Preston and Theodore Logan, All came out of no where lightning fast, The fight raged on for a century, This is the Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny. of Ultimate Destiny "Give a man a gun, he's Superman. Give him two, and he's God!" "Wanna know the best thing about unconscious chicks? They can't say no." *beat* "What?! Oh yeah, like I'm the only one thinking it." Fanfiction is what literature might look like if it were reinvented from scratch after a nuclear apocalypse by a band of brilliant pop-culture junkies trapped in a sealed bunker. They don't do it for money. That's not what it's about. The writers write it and put it up online just for the satisfaction. They're fans, but they're not silent, couchbound consumers of media. The culture talks to them, and they talk back to the culture in its own language. —Lev Grossman, TIME, July 18, 2011 http://www.tthfanfic.org/Story-23751/MethosMorePower.htm Home Improvement and SG1 crossover Epic :) http://forums.spacebattles.com/showthread.php?t=177288 Unfamiliar Prototype and Familiar of Zero Crossover Epic :0 http://forums.spacebattles.com/showthread.php?t=154700 Smite 1701 SG1 and Star Wars crossover Epic :> http://www.tthfanfic.org/Story-16822/VatharaPetalsintheWind.htm Evil doesn't understand love. It can use, and it can manipulate, but it can never understand why anyone would throw themselves in the path of a blade. Jolee says it best: "Love doesn't lead to the dark side. Passion can lead to rage and fear, and can be controlled, but passion is not the same thing as love. Controlling your passions while being in love, that's what they should teach you to beware, but love itself will save you, not condemn you." "If you criticize something, but don't offer at least one suggestion for fixing it, then you're just bitching and moaning." Anonymous “I waged two guerrilla wars against alien raiders, and sometimes that meant that I had to let innocents get carried off to a ghastly fate simply so that I could get my forces into position. I had to, on many occasions; let units fight to the death because the loss of their lives would mean less than the loss of even a single individual to the enemy, or because it was simply impossible to reinforce them. I know that sacrifice is often needed to obtain victory, and the scars I bear proudly on my flesh testify to the fact that I was unafraid to use myself as bait. The only thing I ever question is if the loss of life required to achieve victory still makes it a victory in the end,” Vulkan stated, swelling up with righteous indignation at his father’s implications against his dedication. http://forums.spacebattles.com/showthread.php?t=174355&page=25 "Show me a general who has made no mistakes and you speak of a general who has seldom waged war." "Heeeeere’s Konrad!" -Primarch Curze, newly instated leader of the night lords while boarding an eldar worship. http://forums.spacebattles.com/showthread.php?t=174355&page=58 forums.spacebattles.com/showthread.php?t=177480 Big Sister Warhammer 40k AU http://www.bolterandchainsword.com/index.php?autocom=ineo&showarticle=411 Rise of The Tau Warhammer 40k AU http://www.bolterandchainsword.com/index.php?autocom=ineo&showarticle=411 Star Trek Enterprise done right. www.q-research.connectfree.co.uk/personal/earthfront.htm Star Trek Deep Space Nine AU http://www.farms.com/FarmsPages/ExpertsBio/tabid/293/Default.aspx?NewsId=39092&authorid=190 Target Stores - What a surprise Wasn't it last Christmas that Target refused to let the Salvation Army ring their bells in front of their stores? Dick Forrey of the Vietnam Veterans Association wrote. 'Recently we asked the local TARGET store to be a proud We received the following reply
So I'm thinking, if the Vietnam Veterans Memorial Wall and As a follow-up, I, E-mailed the TARGET U.S. Corporate That's their Now, I'm thinking again.. And, have their profits sent to France . Without the American (and Canadian) be today? 'They, most likely would be speaking German and trading in Deutsch Marks' Sincerely, Please send this on to everyone you know
TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US!!! Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, 'Was I getting in or out of the bath?' The 94-year-old yells back, 'I don't know. I'll come up and see.' She starts up the stairs and pauses, 'Was I going up the stairs or down? The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters, she shakes her head and says, 'I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood.' She then yells, 'I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door' TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US!!! Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, “Windy, isn't it?” “No,” the second man replied, “it's Thursday.” And the third man chimed in, “So am I. Let's have a beer.” TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US!!! A little old lady was going up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say “Supersex.” She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, “Supersex.” He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, “I'll take the soup.” TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US!!! Now this one is just too Precious...LOL! Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, “Now don't get mad at me. I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is.” Her friend glared at her for at least three minutes; she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, “How soon do you need to know?” TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US!!! As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, “Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!” “Heck,” said Herman, “It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!” TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US!!! Two elderly women were out driving in a large car--both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself 'I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light.' After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, “Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!” Mildred turned to her and said, “Oh, my, am I driving?” Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us. Here is the glorious winner: 1. When his 38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach , California would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked. 3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her. 5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit. 8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from." 9.. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti , Michigan at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast... The man, frustrated, walked away. *A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER] 10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street by sucking on a hose, he got much more than he bargained for.. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had. They walk among us, and they reproduce... It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach. One human hair can support 6.6 pounds. The average man's penis is two times the length of his thumb. Human thighbones are stronger than concrete. A woman's heart beats faster than a man's. There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet. Women blink twice as often as men. The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain. Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still. If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it. Women will be finished reading this by now. Men are still busy checking their thumbs. E-Mail Tracker Programs -- very interesting and a must read! The man that sent this information is a computer tech. He spends a lot of time clearing the junk off computers for people and listens to complaints about speed. All forwards are not bad, just some. Be sure you read the very last paragraph. He wrote: By now, I suspect everyone is familiar with snopes.com and/ortruthorfiction.com for determining whether information received via email is just that: true/false or fact/fiction. Both are excellent sites. Advice from snopes.com VERY IMPORTANT!! 1) Any time you see an email that says "forward this on to '10' (or however many) of your friends", "sign this petition", or "you'll get bad luck" or "you'll get good luck" or "you'll see something funny on your screen after you send it" or whatever -- it almost always has an email tracker program attached that tracks the cookies and emails of those folks you forward to. The host sender is getting a copy each time it gets forwarded and then is able to get lists of 'active' email addresses to use in SPAM emails or sell to other Spammers. Even when you get emails that demand you send the email on if you're not ashamed of God/Jesus -- that is email tracking, and they are playing on our conscience. These people don't care how they get your email addresses - just as long as they get them. Also, emails that talk about a missing child or a child with an incurable disease "how would you feel if that was your child" -- email tracking. Ignore them and don't participate! 2) Almost all emails that ask you to add your name and forward on to others are similar to that mass letter years ago that asked people to send business cards to the little kid in Florida who wanted to break the Guinness Book of Records for the most cards. All it was, and all any of this type of email is, is a way to get names and 'cookie' tracking information for telemarketers and Spammers -- to validate active email accounts for their own profitable purposes. You can do your Friends and Family members a GREAT favor by sending this information to them. You will be providing a service to your friends. And you will be rewarded by not getting thousands of spam emails in the future! Do yourself a favor and STOP adding your name(s) to those types of listing regardless how inviting they might sound! Or make you feel guilty if you don't! It's all about getting email addresses and nothing more. You may think you are supporting a GREAT cause, but you are NOT! Instead, you will be getting tons of junk mail later and very possibly a virus attached! Plus, we are helping the Spammers get rich! Let's not make it easy for them! ALSO: Email petitions are NOT acceptable to government or any other organization - I.e. Social security, etc. To be acceptable, petitions must have a "signed signature" and full address of the person signing the petition, so this is a waste of time and you are just helping the email trackers. Tips for Handling Telemarketers (1)The three little words are: 'Hold On, Please...' Then when you eventually hear the phone company's 'beep-beep-beep' tone, you know it's time to go back and hang up your handset, which has efficiently completed its task. These three little words will help eliminate telephone soliciting.. (2) Do you ever get those annoying phone calls with no one on the other end? This is a telemarketing technique where a machine makes phone calls and records the time of day when a person answers the phone. This technique is used to determine the best time of day for a 'real' sales person to call back and get someone at home. What you can do after answering, if you notice there is no one there, is to immediately start hitting your # button on the phone, 6 or 7 times as quickly as possible. This confuses the machine that dialed the call, and it kicks your number out of their system. Gosh, what a shame not to have your name in their system any longer!!! When you get 'ads' enclosed with your phone or utility bill, return these 'ads' with your payment. Let the sending companies throw their own junk mail away. When you get those 'pre-approved' letters in the mail for everything from credit cards to 2nd mortgages and similar type junk, do not throw away the return envelope. Most of these come with postage-paid return envelopes, right? It costs them more than the regular 44 cents postage, 'IF' and when they receive them back. It costs them nothing if you throw them away! The postage was around 50 cents before the last increase and it is according to the weight. In that case, why not get rid of some of your other junk mail and put it in these cool little, postage-paid return envelopes. If you want to remain anonymous, just make sure your name isn't on anything you send them. You can even send the envelope back empty if you want to just to keep them guessing! It still costs them 44 cents.The banks and credit card companies are currently getting a lot of their own junk back in the mail, but folks, we need to OVERWHELM them. Let's let them know what it's like to get lots of junk mail, and best of all they're paying for it...Twice! Let's help keep our postal service busy since they are saying that e-mail is cutting into their business profits, and that's why they need to increase postage costs again. You get the idea!If enough people follow these tips, it will work I have been doing this for years, and I get very little junk mail anymore. he Black Bra (as told by a woman) We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door Here's how it all went. My engaged friend: (you are going to love this...) a aa From Mertropolis Kid's profile www.fanfiction.net/u/1477446/Metropolis_Kid# 92 percent of American teens would die if Abecrombe and Fitch told them it wasn't cool to breathe. If your one of the 8 percent that would be laughing your asses off as you watch the others copy this to your profile. I'm not a teenager any longer, but I still endorse this. Recent studies show that 92 percent of teenagers have moved on to rap. If you're part of the 8 percent that hasn't, put this in your profile. I'm not a teenager any longer, but I still endorse this. 98 percent of teenagers do or have tried smoking pot. If you're one of the 2 percent who haven't, copy & paste this into your profile. I'm not a teenager any longer, but I still endorse this. 65 percent of Teenagers spend more time watching TV- rather than reading. If you are part of the 35 percent who read more than watch TV, then cut and paste this to your profile. I'm not a teenager any longer, but I still endorse this. 93 percent of American teens would have a severe emotional breakdown if someone called them a freak. If you're a part of the 7 percent who would ask the person, "What was your first clue?", copy this into your profile and add your name to the list: Sunlit Goddess of the C.O.C.A., Moonlit Goddess of the C.O.C.A., Evil Genius of the COCA, Invader Miley Phantom, dAnnYsGiRl777, BloodySalvation, Lady Lost-A-Lot, bellabookworm9, Bella Masen Cullen, Vampire Scooby, blissfulmememories, Vampire Apple, Vampireyaoi, Queen-Skizophrenya, Metropolis Kid (I'm not a teenager any longer, but I still endorse this.) 99.8 of anime fans are obsessing over Naruto. If you are the last few of the clan who can think up to three better animes than this, paste this on your profile. If you aren't scared to wear more than one black garment of clothing at a time, copy and paste this into your profile. Weird is good, strange it bad, and odd is when you don't know what to call someone. Weird is the same as different, which is the same as unique, then weird is good! If you are weird and proud of it, copy this into your profile! Only crazy people can understand the brilliance of crazy things. If you are crazy and proud of it, copy and paste this into your profile! If you have a tendency to talk to yourself, copy and paste this into your profile. If you've ever thought about something when you were talking about something else, copy and paste this into your profile. If you ever wished you could talk to animals or be an animal, copy and paste this into your profile. If you can't stand preppy people who talk like this: "I like, can't believe, I like, chipped my manicure!!", copy and paste this into your profile. If you think that being unique is better than being cool then put this on your profile. If you're rebellious and proud of it, put this in your profile. If it bugs you when people favorite something you worked on without leaving you any comments, reviews or feedback, put this in your profile. If you think that those kids should just give that Trix rabbit some Trix then copy this onto your profile. If you think Goldilocks should be arrested for breaking and entering and the bears should have reported her, copy this into your profile. Pluto was declared a planet no longer on August 27 of 2006 just because it was "Too small" and "Off it's orbit" for a couple scientists’ likings. If you still think Pluto should be a planet then copy and paste this to your profile. LONG LIVE PLUTO! If there are times when you wanna annoy people just for the heck of it, copy this into your profile. If you have ever changed your password on something and forgotten it, copy and paste this into your profile. If you actually know what a semi-colon is, copy and paste this into your profile. Bad spellers of the world UNTIE! If you are a bad speller and proud of it copy this to your profile. I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid. Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? Yaeh and I awlyas thought slpeling was ipmorantt! tahts so cool! If you could read that put it in your profile. If you hate those irritating mosquitos giving you mosquito bites copy this in your profile. If you've ever copied and pasted something into your profile, copy and paste this into your profile. If your profile is long, copy and paste this on it to make it even longer. I am the bone of my sword. Be polite, be efficient and have a plan to kill everyone you meet http://forums.spacebattles.com/showthread.php?t=162257 Mass Effect Mega man crossover http://forums.spacebattles.com/showthread.php?t=190194 Mass Effect Dresden Files Crossover "I am prepared to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter." --Winston Churchill http://forums.spacebattles.com/showthread.php?t=181005 Mass Effect Prototype crossover Epic$ For want of a nail, the shoe was lost; This is so true An old Farmer's Words of Wisdom we could all live by...
“Keep skunks and bankers at a distance.” “Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.” “A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.” “Words that soak into your ears are whispered…...not yelled.” “Meanness don't just happen overnight.” “Forgive your enemies; it messes up their heads.” “Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.” “It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.” “You cannot unsay a cruel word.” “Every path has a few puddles.” “When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.” “The best sermons are lived, not preached.” “Most of the stuff people worry about, ain't never gonna happen anyway.” “Don't judge folks by their relatives. “Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.” “Live a good and honorable life, then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.” “Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't bothering you none.” “Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.” “If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.” “Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got. “The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin'.” “Always drink upstream from the herd.” “Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.” “Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.” “If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.” “Live simply, love generously, care deeply, “Don't pick a fight with an old man. If he is too old to fight, he'll just kill you.”
A huge heart... covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever. At that point, one of the mourners just burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, 'I'm so sorry... I was just thinking of my own funeral...I'm a gynaecologist!' The priest fainted! The wife suggested I get myself one of those dick enlargers, so I did... The thing I love most about this hot weather is the short skirts and low My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give "Question - Are there too many immigrants in Britain"? 17% said yes; 11% said No; 72% said "I am not understanding the question please." A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack. "Miss Whack, I'd like to get a £30,000 loan to take a holiday." Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager. Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral. The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow £30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral. She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?" The bank manager looks back at her and says. "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan, His old man's a Rolling Stone." Only theIrish have JokesLikeThese Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, ANDTHEBESTFORLAST Garage Door Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: Three old guys are out walking. Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. One more.. . ..!
It's about not giving up! If you think your life is tough, take a look at this. -- This should make all of our problems seem pretty miniscule. THIS IS http://www.wimp.com/watchingthis/ But how does he...? Castlevania: All His Engines "We'll need to be ready, just in case. Evil never dies. But as long as we live, it will never win either." Keep Aaron Peori's corollary in mind. "Sufficiently advanced stupidity is indistinguishable from malice." "You're like catnip" "How so?" "Pussy can't get enough of you." Found on the Profile of Dragonanzar MURPHY'S LESSER-KNOWN LAWS: 1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. 2. He who laughs last thinks slowest. 3. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. 4. Those that live by the sword get shot by those who don't. 5. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool. 6. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90 probability you'll get it wrong. 7. If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog. 8. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it. 9. The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first. 10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer. 11. A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries. 12. The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room. 13. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well. 14. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of Jury duty.tions: Originally Posted by Firethorn You could kill the Joker with a .50BMG sniper rifle at a range in excess of a thousand yards and I'd still rule it self defense. Quote: Originally Posted by Alex12 If my limited knowledge of anime has taught me anything, it's that yelling loudly makes giant robots stronger. Quote: Originally Posted by EricD The odd thing about multiculturalism is that it is a unicultural phenomenon. I woke up, lifted my arms, moved my knees, turned my neck. Everything made the same noise: 'c-r-e-a-k'. I came to a conclusion: I am not old, I am crispy! Subject: FW: Lest we forget! British Newspaper Article about Canada - Enlightening Thanks to the Brits, (and annually by the Dutch since the second world war), Canada’s extraordinary defence related efforts are acknowledged. British newspaper salutes Canada . . . this is a good read. It is funny how it took someone in England to put it into words... Until the deaths of Canadian soldiers killed in Afghanistan , probably almost no one outside their home country had been aware that Canadian troops are deployed in the region. And as always, Canada will bury its dead, just as the rest of the world, as always will forget its sacrifice, just as it always forgets nearly everything Canada ever does.. It seems that Canada 's historic mission is to come to the selfless aid both of its friends and of complete strangers, and then, once the crisis is over, to be well and truly ignored. Canada is the perpetual wallflower that stands on the edge of the hall, waiting for someone to come and ask her for a dance. A fire breaks out, she risks life and limb to rescue her fellow dance-goers, and suffers serious injuries. But when the hall is repaired and the dancing resumes, there is Canada, the wallflower still, while those she once helped glamorously cavort across the floor, blithely neglecting her yet again. That is the price Canada pays for sharing the North American continent with the United States , and for being a selfless friend of Britain in two global conflicts. For much of the 20th century, Canada was torn in two different directions: It seemed to be a part of the old world, yet had an address in the new one, and that divided identity ensured that it never fully got the gratitude it deserved. Yet it's purely voluntary contribution to the cause of freedom in two world wars was perhaps the greatest of any democracy. Almost 10% of Canada 's entire population of seven million people served in the armed forces during the First World War, and nearly 60,000 died. The great Allied victories of 1918 were spearheaded by Canadian troops, perhaps the most capable soldiers in the entire British order of battle. Canada was repaid for its enormous sacrifice by downright neglect, it's unique contribution to victory being absorbed into the popular memory as somehow or other the work of the 'British.' The Second World War provided a re-run. The Canadian navy began the war with a half dozen vessels, and ended up policing nearly half of the Atlantic against U-boat attack. More than 120 Canadian warships participated in the Normandy landings, during which 15,000 Canadian soldiers went ashore on D-Day alone. Canada finished the war with the third-largest navy and the fourth largest air force in the world. The world thanked Canada with the same sublime indifference as it had the previous time. Canadian participation in the war was acknowledged in film only if it was necessary to give an American actor a part in a campaign in which the United States had clearly not participated - a touching scrupulousness which, of course, Hollywood has since abandoned, as it has any notion of a separate Canadian identity. So it is a general rule that actors and filmmakers arriving in Hollywood keep their nationality - unless, that is, they are Canadian. Thus Mary Pickford, Walter Huston, Donald Sutherland, Michael J. Fox, William Shatner, Norman Jewison, David Cronenberg, Alex Trebek, Art Linkletter, Mike Weir and Dan Aykroyd have in the popular perception become American, and Christopher Plummer, British. It is as if, in the very act of becoming famous, a Canadian ceases to be Canadian, unless she is Margaret Atwood, who is as unshakably Canadian as a moose, or Celine Dion, for whom Canada has proved quite unable to find any takers. Moreover, Canada is every bit as querulously alert to the achievements of its sons and daughters as the rest of the world is completely unaware of them. The Canadians proudly say of themselves - and are unheard by anyone else - that 1% of the world's population has provided 10% of the world's peacekeeping forces. Yet the only foreign engagement that has entered the popular non-Canadian imagination was the sorry affair in Somalia , in which out-of-control paratroopers murdered two Somali infiltrators. Their regiment was then disbanded in disgrace - a uniquely Canadian act of self-abasement for which, naturally, the Canadians received no international credit. So who today in the United States knows about the stoic and selfless friendship its northern neighbour has given it in Afghanistan? Rather like Cyrano de Bergerac , Canada repeatedly does honourable things for honourable motives, but instead of being thanked for it, it remains something of a figure of fun. It is the Canadian way, for which Canadians should be proud, yet such honour comes at a high cost. This past year more grieving Canadian families knew that cost all too tragically well. Lest we forget. Please pass this on to any of your friends or relatives who served in the Canadian Forces or anyone who is proud to be Canadian; it is a wonderful tribute to those who choose to serve their country and the world in our quiet Canadian way. Mother Superior was on her way to late morning prayers when she passed two novices just leaving early morning prayers on their way to classes. As she passed the young ladies, Mother Superior said, "Good morning ladies." The novices replied, "Good morning, Mother Superior, may God be with you." This startled Mother Superior, but she chose not to pursue the issue. A little further down the hall, Mother Superior passed two of the sisters who had been teaching at the convent for several years. She greeted them with "Good morning Sister Martha, Sister Jessica, may God give you the wisdom for our students today." "Good morning, Mother Superior. Thank you and may God be with you." Baffled, she started to wonder if she had spoken harshly or with an irritated look on her face. She vowed to be more pleasant. Looking down the hall, Mother Superior saw retired Sister Mary approaching, step by step, with her walker. As Sister Mary was Rather deaf, Mother Superior had plenty of time to arrange a pleasant smile on her face before greeting Sister Mary. "Good morning, Sister Mary, I'm so happy to see you up and about. I pray God watches over you today, and grants you a wonderful day." "Ah, good morning, Mother Superior. I see you got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning." Mother Superior was floored! "Sister Mary, what have I done wrong?" I have tried to be pleasant but three times already today people have said that about me." Sister Mary stopped her walker and looked Mother Superior in the face. "Oh, don't take it personally, Mother Superior. It's just that you're wearing Father Murphy's slippers.." A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed. To the first mother,(from Toronto ) Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy." He turned to the second Mom,(from Nova Scotia ) Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny." He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy." At this point, the fourth mother,(from Newfoundland ) Karen, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand, and whispered, "Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Let's pick up Peter and Willy from school and go get dinner.” Amazing, spectaclular and very stupid. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TN3MFLwlsEg&feature=youtu.be The Isle of Man TT was for many years the most prestigious motor-cycle race in the world. Epic Friendly Bear. Bart worked quite a bit in BC Film industry, and was a happy gentle giant... Epic hunting. This Texas feral hog shooting chopper video(LOACH on the job) is fascinating. http://www.vimeo.com/21181307 Stuff you didn't know? (Who Cares?)
Men can read smaller
It is impossible to lick
The percentage of
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I Suppose YOU Knew MOST OF THIS I suppose YOU Knew MOST OF THIS "Stewardesses" is the longest word typed with only the left hand = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = Story from a Kansas State > I made a traffic stop on an elderly lady the other day for speeding > She responded that she indeed had a .45 automatic in her glove box. > She looked me right in the eye and said, "Not a fucking thing!" Stickman Fun http://www.drawastickman.com/# Class of 1957 vs. Class of 2011 And you think we aren't screwed up! You should know that by today's standards none of us was supposed to ever make it!!! HIGH SCHOOL -- 1957 vs. 2010 Scenario 1: Scenario 2: Scenario 3: Scenario 4: Scenario 5: Scenario 6: Scenario 7: Scenario 8: I will be making a conscious effort to wish everyone Christmas Normal 0 false false false EN-US X-NONE X-NONE MicrosoftInternetExplorer4 The following was developed as a mental age assessment by the School of Psychiatry at Harvard University . Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake. The average person over 45 years of age cannot do it! 1.This is this cat. Word on the Street from the expieriences of the H. A . is that Wolf brand ammo from Russia is just as bad!! 44 Magnum accident First it was baby formula, then pet food, but now you should Watch out when buying from China , >including bright, Shiny ammunition. A really good reason for not buying cheap ammunition !! Curiosity shouldn't be punished. It could get you killed but it isn't a crime. A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15 kids. 'WOW,' the social worker exclaims, 'are they all 'Yep, they are all mine,' the flustered momma sighs, She says, 'Sit down Leroy.' All the children rush to find seats. 'Well,' says the social worker, 'then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names.' 'Well, to keep it simple, the boys are all named Leroy and the girls are all named Leighroy.' In disbelief, the case worker says, 'Are you serious? They're ALL named Leroy?' Their momma replied, 'Well, yes-it makes it easier. The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, 'But 'Then I call them by their last names.' UNDERSTANDING WOMEN A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew #868223 (7403)- [X] Woah, I got the weirdest moment of my entire life this morning your mom's such a freak. o.O Harry Scheuer Sent: Monday, January 30, 2012 10:17 AM To: ; Rolly And Marie ; Mick & Mryna ; rdbrock@telus.net ; Ralph Jorgenson ; terpea2@telus.net ; Ken Mick ; Louise & Ken To Fix the Canadian Economy Dear Prime Minister, Please find below our suggestion for fixing the CANADIAN economy. Instead of giving billions of dollars to banks that will squander the money on lavish parties and unearned bonuses, use the following plan. You can call it the Patriotic Retirement Plan: There are aboutTenmillion people over 50 in the work force. Pay them $ 2 million each severance for early retirement with the following stipulations: 1) They MUST retire. 2) They MUST buy a new Canadian? car 3) They MUST either buy a house or pay off their mortgage - 4) They MUST send their kids to school/college/university - 5) They MUST buy $100 WORTH of alcohol/tobacco a week ... It can't get any easier than that!
This way the pensioners would have access to showers, hobbies and walks. They'd receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical treatment, wheel chairs etc and they'd receive money instead of paying it out. They would have constant video monitoring, so they could be helped instantly, if they fell, or needed assistance. Bedding would be washed twice a week, and all clothing would be ironed and returned to them. A guard would check on them every 20 minutes and bring their meals and snacks to their cell.. They would have family visits in a suite built for that purpose. They would have access to a library, weight room, spiritual counselling, pool and education. Simple clothing, shoes, slippers, PJ's and legal aid would be free, on request. Private, secure rooms for all, with an exercise outdoor yard, with gardens. Each senior could have a PC a TV radio and daily phone calls. There would be a board of directors to hear complaints, and the guards would have a code of conduct that would be strictly adhered to. The criminals would get cold food, be left all alone and unsupervised. Lights off at 8pm, and showers once a week. Live in a tiny room and pay $400.00 per week and have no hope of ever getting out. Think about this (more points of contention): And, they even tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 125,000 illegal immigrants wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow. Subject: A Test for a Man Alzheimer's Test for Modern Seniors How fast can you guess these words 1. F _ _K 6. _ _NDOM a a a a a a a a Answers: 1. FORK You got all 6 wrong...didn't you? Don't worry. you don't have Alzheimer. You are just a pervert A woman went to the service counter and told the clerk she wanted a refund for the toaster she bought because it won't work The clerk told her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.
ABSOLUTELY INCREDIBLE!! SME Hi Arto, I may not have been clear; what I meant to say is that the Wildrose is opposed to the Long Gun Registry. We also believe that the issue of gun regulation is best left up to the provinces to decide, which would be based upon what the citizens of the provinces desire the laws to be. I’ve copied below from our website the member approved policies voted on at the last annual general meeting: D. Firearms Wildrose members believe the Government of should: 13. … recognize that ’s Firearms Program only affects and penalizes law-abiding citizens, and that such programs are ineffective at reducing violent crime. 14. … support stern sentencing for violent crimes, especially those involving firearms. 15. … uphold the property and civil rights of all Albertans, including firearms owners. 16. … appoint a Chief Firearms Officer to direct the Firearms Program in . 17. … create and maintain a registry of individuals prohibited by a court from possessing firearms. 18. … table periodic reports in the Legislature concerning the frequency, causes and prevention of all categories of violent crime in Alberta, and the social, environmental, and economic effects of all firearms-related activities. One last thought to leave you with. I have very similar views on gun control as you do; that said, I believe amongst Albertan political parties I believe the Wildrose to be the best choice on this particular issue. Given that we are a grassroots party, if you had certain ideas on gun control or policies around that issue, by taking out a membership you are able to take part in the party’s process of creating and voting on policies, which take place at our annual general meeting. I encourage you to visit www.wildrose.ca for more information and if you have any further questions, please don’t hesitate to contact me. Thanks, Karsten Erzinger Constituency Support #408, 919 Centre Street NW Calgary , www.wildrose.ca Inquiries:karsten.erzinger@wildrose.ca Tel: 1.888.262.1888 Fax: 1.866.620.4791 BECOME A MEMBERDONATEVOLUNTEER From: Arto Hahmo [mailto:ahahmo1@telus.net] Hello Karsten, Thanks for your reply, but it really does not make me feel any better. From what I understand from your comment is that Gun control is no good federally, but is good provincially. I want extensive clarification on this subject and want to know exactly what the policy for the wild rose is. Believe me, I have a lot of friends that want this explained completely. Your explanation will be sent to all my wild rose friends and there is hundreds of them. Thanks again for your prompt reply. Arto Hahmo Ameritool Services 220 Lake Bonavista Drive S.E. Calgary Tel: (403) 668-4285 Fax: (403) 668-4404 Email: ahahmo1@telus.net From: Karsten Erzinger [mailto:karsten.erzinger@wildrose.ca] Hi Arto, Thank you for your email, I am happy to respond. The Wildrose has long been opposed to the Federal Long Gun Registry and believe that the regulation of firearms should be returned to the provincial level. The Wildrose understands that this program does not stop gun crim, but rather forces law abiding Albertans to adhere to excessive and intrusive regulation and enforcement of control of firearms. We hope to have your support in the upcoming election, please let me know if you need further clarification or have any further questions or concerns. Thank you, Short film: THE GERMAN Very Interesting Incredible four minute footage of a desperate Spitfire vs. ME-109 dual. You feel like you are there! Amazing computer work blended in with real photography. Also an interesting factual story that most of us did not know. History is rarely 'over'. Now sit back and strap on your parachute harness.it is the Summer of 1940 over the skies of England. Listen to the perfect 'purr' of the Rolls Royce Merlin ... Be sure to watch the end. It has a very interesting twist. Watch this full screen. It's very well done. Click on the link below: The German Steve Bridges August 2011 Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day.
a Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers a Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over a Miners Refuse to Work after Death a Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant a War Dims Hope for Peace a If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile a Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures a London Couple Slain;Police Suspect Homicide They may be on to something! a Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges a Man Struck By Lightning:Faces Battery Charge a New Study of Obesity Looks for LargerTest Group a Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft a Kids Make Nutritious Snacks a Local High SchoolDropoutsCut in Half a Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors And the winner is...
Did I read that right? Lost cat on craiglist. http://www.27bslash6.com/missy.html You don't need to have a cat to see the funny in this one. You don't even have to like'em! We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Year's Eve Party. We turned We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and My wife went on out to the taxi, while I went back inside to get the cat. A few minutes later, I got into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long. That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to The silence in the cab was deafening. Silveraith Religion is like a Penis. Murphy's law, according to Danial Jackson of stargate sg-1: Apparently I'm Elrond? http://www.tk421.net/character/elrond.html A nice old story with a different twist - will make you appreciate family. FAMILY TREE OF VINCENT VAN GOGH His dizzy aunt --Verti Gogh The brother who ate prunes--Gotta Gogh The brother who worked at a convenience store -Stop N Gogh The grandfather from Yugoslavia --U Gogh His magician uncle -- Where-diddy Gogh His Mexican cousin -- A Mee Gogh The Mexican cousin's American half-brother --Gring Gogh The nephew who drove a stage coach -- Wells-far Gogh The constipated uncle --Can't Gogh The ballroom dancing aunt --Tang Gogh The bird lover uncle -- Flamin Gogh The fruit-loving cousin -- Man Gogh An aunt who taught positive thinking -- Way-to-Gogh A sister who loved disco -- Go Gogh And his niece who travels the country in an RV -- Winnie Bay Gogh I saw you smiling . . . there ya Gogh! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-kr8fUrTQNs Three things never trust in: The maiden sworn as pure; The vows a king has given; And the ambush that is sure "Threes" Mercedes Lackey Greetings to the fine folk that moderate our site. Myself, along with many, have been writing and posting on your fine site for years now, some of the better examples of up and coming writers out there are now suddenly finding some of the stories we've come to love at risk of being removed without the chance to even rectify our errors. For some, that means the permanent loss of a story. While I don't have anything that I believe violates your terms of use, there are those out there that are never able to recover a story in its original form, this is something I find to be almost worthy of a legal action, as while we cannot claim ownership of a character, the stories are OURS and simply destroying them is something that is inexcusable. It's quite easy to simply add an MA rating, additional filters or even a simple requirement for a free membership to read the stories presented here, and would cut down on hateful anonymous reviews and posts at the same time, so I have to question as to why such a thing, in all this time, simply wasn't added. If you're worried about falsification of a registration then have an appropriate disclaimer and then there can be no dispute, you took your steps and the PARENTS didn't monitor their children, if that is even your concern. If it is more of a personal view or desire then please at least let people know and give them a chance to remove a story that you and yours find offensive, most people on the site are actually rather cordial when it comes to such requests. While I cannot say for sure if this letter will even reach those that may be willing to listen, of if it's more akin to a wide spectrum purge in preparation for something bigger, please understand that you are going to be looseing a LARGE number of your writers, and thus your income from a lack of readers if there is not some level of action taken to help with this situation. For those that may agree with this, please feel free to sign on and send this to the support server, maybe we can get some movement on this. Psudocode_Samurai Rocketman1728 dracohalo117 VFSNAKE Agato the Venom Host Jay Frost SamCrow Blood Brandy Dusk666 Hisea Ori The Dark Graven BlackRevenant Lord Orion Salazar Black Sakusha Saelbu Horocrux socras01 Kumo no Makoto Biskoff Korraganitar the NightShadow NightInk Lazruth ragnrock kyuubi SpiritWriterXXX Ace6151 FleeingReality Harufu Exiled crow Slifer1988 Dee Laynter Angeldoctor Final Black Getsuga ZamielRaizunto Fenris187 blood enraged arashiXnoXkami Masane Amaha's King Blueexorist Nero Angelo Sparda Sharkteeth DAPC Kyuubi16 Neonzangetsu longmasher Author: FernandelDeLaFrance Authors Creed There are many stories that are nothing more than... pastiches, written by unimaginative copycats and lazy writers, repeating word for word events in other stories and wasting the time of the one reading it. And then there are many stories that are written by shallow and greedy men pandering to their audience, not daring to break out of the cage they have built for themselves, to surprise them, to create something new. And then there are those who blindly follow what is known as the 'canon', not daring to break out of the mould that the original Creators gave us. Yet if they gave us such great gifts of imagination and the ability to exercise our free will, is it not a travesty for us to cling to stringent and arbitrary conventions, to write stories that make no effort to create something new, something inventive, something different And that is why, Author, realize the truth of these words. Where other men blindly follow others, fearful of creating something entirely their own, remember: Nothing is true. Where other men are limited by the fear of their audience's backlash, by mainstream demand, terrified of breaking the mould and example set by society and their peers, remember: Everything is permitted. To write what is right, and right what is wrong. Nothing is true. Everything is permitted. Rise, Author. Join the ranks of your countless brethren, and go on to enchant your readers, horrify them, make them laugh and cry and fear and feel Then you will surely have changed the world for the better. I like you and I know why. I like you because you are a good person to like. I like you because when I tell you something special you know it's special and you remember it a long long time. You say, remember when you told me something special? And both of us remember. When I think something is important you think it's important too. We have good ideas. When I say something funny, you laugh. I think I'm funny and you think I'm funny too. Hah-hah. I like you because you know where I'm ticklish and you don't tickle me there except just a little tiny bit sometimes(stop stop stop help help)But if you do then I know where to tickle you too (HELP) You know how to be silly, that's why I like you. Boy are you ever silly. I never met anybody sillier than me till I met you. I like you because you know when it's time to stop being silly. Maybe day after tomorrow. Maybe never. Oops too late, it's a quarter past silly. We fool around the same way all the time. Sometimes we don't say a word. We snurkle under fences. We spy secret places. If I am a goofus on the roofus, Hollering my head of, you are one too. If I pretend I am drowning. You pretend you are saving me. If I am getting ready to pop a paper bag, then you are getting ready to jump (HOORAY!) That's because you really like me. You really like me, don't you? And I really like you back. And you like me back. And I like you back.And that's the way we keep on going. Every day.If you go away, then I go away too. Or if I stay home, you send me a postcard. You don't just say "well, see you around sometime, bye"I like you a lot, because of that. If I go away, I send you a postcard too.And I like you because, if we go away together. And if we are in Grand Central Station and if I get lost, then you are the one that is yelling for me.And I like you because when I am feeling sad, you don't always try to cheer me up right away. Sometimes it is better to be sad. You can't stand the others being so goodly and gaggly every single minute. You want to think about things. It takes time. I like you because if I am mad at you, then you are mad at me too. It's awful when the other person isn't. They are so nice and hoo-hoo you could just about punch them in the nose. I like you because if I think I am going to throw up then you are really sorry. You don't just pretend you are busy looking at the birdies and all that. You say maybe it was something you ate. You say "the same thing happened to be one time" and the same thing did. If you find two four-leaf clovers, you give me one. If I find four, I give you two. If we find three, we keep looking. Sometimes we have good luck. And sometimes we don't. If I break me arm and if you break your arm too, then it is fun to have a broken arm. I tell you about mine and you tell me about yours. We are both sorry. We write our names and draw pictures. We show everybody and they wish they had a broken arm too. I like you because I don't know why but everything that happens is nicer with you. I can't remember when I didn't like you...It must have been lonesome then. I like you because because because I forget why I like you but I do. So many reasons. On the Fourth of July I like you because it's the Fourth of July. On the Fifth of July, I like you too. If you and I had some drums and some horns and some horses, if we had some hats and some flags and some fire-engines. We could be a HOLIDAY! We could be a CELEBRATION! We could be a WHOLE PARADE! Even if it was the nine-hundred-and-ninety-ninth of July, Even if it was August. Even if it was way down at the bottom of November. I would go one choosing you, and you would go on choosing me. Over and over again. That's how it would happen every time. I don't know why. I guess I don't know why I like you, really. Why do I like you? I guess I just like you, I guess I just like you. Because I like you "Bring peace to the lost lambs, give rest to the fangs of the wolf, and deliver punishment to the demon."– Chrono Crusade How quick are you? http://www.cci-ammunition.com/game/default.htm I am: True Neutral- A true neutral character does what seems to be a good idea. He doesn't feel strongly one way or the other when it comes to good vs. evil or law vs. chaos. Most true neutral characters exhibit a lack of conviction or bias rather than a commitment to neutrality. Such a character thinks of good as better than evil after all, he would rather have good neighbors and rulers than evil ones. Still, he's not personally committed to upholding good in any abstract or universal way. Some true neutral characters, on the other hand, commit themselves philosophically to neutrality. They see good, evil, law, and chaos as prejudices and dangerous extremes. They advocate the middle way of neutrality as the best, most balanced road in the long run. True neutral is the best alignment you can be because it means you act naturally, without prejudice or compulsion. However, true neutral can be a dangerous alignment when it represents apathy, indifference, and a lack of conviction. Ability Scores: Alignment: Race: Primary Class: Secondary Class: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Duc2evokmAo Madhouse, a 40k oneshot By nuts of spacbattles. http://forums.spacebattles.com/threads/madhouse-a-40k-oneshot.255087/#post-10446529 NURGLE Hello, friend. Easy there, boy; I won’t kick you. Looks like you’ve been kicked enough in this life. Those are some impressive sores on your back; do you mind if I touch ‘em? See, I’m a collector of sorts. Some men collect trophies, or scars, or other useless trinkets. Me? I collect stories. I take those moments of distilled misery, that sheer human pain and despair, and I remember ‘em. Not to tell - never to tell, not to those who can't understand - but to preserve those moments in all their ragged splendor. I hold moments of dark despair, of dying men praying for their dead as the hull breaches give way. I’ve hoarded some cleaner stories, of suicides and overdoses and dark spots in the bright light. I’ve even kept one that...well, perhaps another time. I suspect you've got quite a story to tell, friend. Your clothes are high-quality beneath the grime, and your frame’s far too filled-out for you to be an underhiver's brat. A merchant’s son, perhaps? Ah ah ah, not with that look on your face. A noble’s son, then, dressed up like a clockwork doll to lead this crumbling world on for another day. Did you really think any of those lies would amount to anything, silly boy? Yet now all the illusions have come crashing down, until all you’re left with is that ridiculous hunk of metal. The Imperial aquila? Hah, I’d sooner fear my own arse than a chunk of gold carved like a bird. The corpse-king’s held no power for ten thousand years, friend, and I don’t see him in this sorry excuse of a sewer down here. Do you see his Angels of Death flying for you on wings of flame? Maybe his holy - hah, 'holy' - Inquisitors will purge the darkness clean? Here's a hint, boy: they aren't coming. There's no God-Emperor. Never was one. There was a man once, who fought powers far beyond his ken, and he lost - a bit like your story, yes? Only thing is, that man’s dead. There’s no fixing death. Aye, and there’s the rub. You don’t know if you want that. You've been so broken down, so beaten and abused by those horrible light-dwellers that you can’t even wish for a proper death! Look at them, healthy and happy and hopeful! Look at those bastards, before the lies are stripped away and they’re face-first in the gutter! Look at yourself, boy - in the end, they’ll all be like us. I’m here to tell you that there’s another way. Those whoresons up there were never fond of you, and there’s no Emperor to save your little soul, but there is someone out there who loves you. There’s a Power who will care for you, who just aches to give you His gifts and to cover you with His love. He’ll keep you and tend you, use your strength to save others, and in time He’ll unite this whole rotten planet in glorious despair. So let me propose a trade, boy: a story, for a story. You tell me your tale, and I’ll tell you mine, and here in this dark I’ll tell you how to live through the night. Deal? "Pain? Pain is good, boy. Pain brings you closer to the Lord of Decay! Did you expect me to coddle you with silks, like those Slaaneshi ingrates? Did you believe that I would rescue you from reality? This sewer, this rot and decay, this is truth. The shining towers of your old home are illusions, mere shadows before the march of time. You thought that your family loved you? You believed that your manservant cared for you? Who do you think cast you into this muck? Go ahead, boy. Cry. Those feeble, illusive ties between mortals cannot sustain reality's decay. Cast away family and friends, for Nurgle's great family welcomes you! Only the Great Corruptor's all-abiding love is permanent; only by supplicating Him and trusting in Him can we be made stronger. Look at this beautiful disease, this glorious contagion! Truly, you are a vessel for His great works! Either rise to endure this, like all true things must endure, or be cast down to be reborn as a Bearer of Nurgle's Rot! What did you "hope" for? Did you plan to abuse His great love to your own ends? Did you scheme to betray me once I had rescued you from this mire? You verge on Tzeentchian heresy, boy! Leave aside your hopes and desires, for such feeble emotions are meaningless next to the power and endurance you shall receive. Look at this incredible incubator, this engine of decay! You see only a humble backed-up sewer, but I see a hive-wide plague in the making! A chance to spread rot to the underclasses, then slowly up and up the spires to cast down these people's false idols and to bring true worship in its place! For you, dear boy, you serve a great role in this plan. I had thought to merely use your body as a vessel for a new Plaguebearer, but the whispers have told me otherwise. Feel your new gifts creeping underneath your skin, changing flesh and bone into power and strength. Did you think that I wallowed in this despair merely out of worship? I am stronger than any Arbites, and as tough as an Angel of Death! Follow me, my boy, and perhaps you shall be too. For you, a member of House Brandt, know the secret pathways to the central spire. I am no Keeper of Secrets; I trouble myself with the lost and destitute, not forbidden knowledge. Yet you can still pass as a lowly mortal, as one not yet blessed by His gifts, and you shall bring this glorious despair to the highest ranks of the corpse-worshippers. Rise, scion of Nurgle. Feel the power given to you by accepting despair, and spread this gift to others. You will receive no welcome outside of others in our great family, yet you shall not need such trifles. Nurgle loves you; that is enough. Now go. -- MALAL You're probably wondering why I'm about to shoot you, General. Had this been twenty years ago, it would have been as revenge for my brother you so casually killed. Had I blown your brains out a decade ago, it would have been to prevent another Tyrellian Massacre. Today? Today I just don't give a fuck. *BLAM* Quit whining, you! It's just a leg wound. These worthless laspistols cauterize their own damn wounds, too. Now, where was I? I don't know exactly when I stopped giving a damn. Perhaps it was after feeding yet another bright young adjutant to your tame beasts, or putting up yet another scapegoat in front of a firing squad. It horrified me at first, though it numbed over time. Eventually, though - eventually I learned to like it. I loved watching those hopes and dreams of escaping the Fenrisian wolves end in teeth and blood, and I had to stifle a giggle as I listened to those innocent men swear the honest truth as I hung them high. Life is a game, General, and you taught me how to flip the board. So congratulations, I suppose! I am the product of your concerted incompetence. Now, you might be asking yourself, "if she doesn't care, why do anything at all?" You see, there is one thing I do care about, General, and that's everyone else. I hate seeing your silly rages and depressions, your hopes and pleasures, and I just want to see 'em burn. I'm a schoolyard bully at heart; I won't be happy until all your little toys and schemes are broken and shattered into smoke and flame. Speaking of which, I really should've set off the armory charges several minutes ago. There! Much better. You may hate me now, General, but understand this: I hate myself more than I hate you. I hate everything, from those little scurrying ants outside to the headless groxes running around inside your command center. In fact, while I'm still talking about those men...there, much better. The combat servitors should keep a spring in their steps, I think. I don't want blood, or rage, or pleasure or hope. I just want the whole thing to come crashing down, and maybe to be the one who throws the match. I've found a new boss, you see, one who thinks much the same way. He doesn't tell me to give sacrifices, or to wave incense under hunks of rock, or even to burn and maim and kill. The Lost One simply tells me to have fun, and I do. I've enjoyed my time here, General, and it's time for me to bring my fun to the rest of your little Crusade. Now, where did I put that promethium? -- TZEENTCH What I'm about to tell you is a complete lie. I kid, of course. What ignorant rube would tell a complete lie? Unless you're hoping to one-up your fellows, in which case then lie your sorry pants off, me boy. Hey! That tickles! Inquisitor, would you kindly send your pet torturer away to get his jollies off by stabbing the Devourer's minions? You and I can leave such trifles as physical pain aside. What? Pain as pleasure? I leave such decadence for the Prince of Excess and his foolish followers. No, Inquisitor, I merely ignore pain because I see a far greater goal in sight. Of course, perhaps I'm lying. Actually, that's a lie - you know that I'm fibbing, me boy. What you've yet to find is the particulars of me little plots. Should I tell you about that little logic-daemon which me fellows put into the Administratum's servers below us? Heh, 'below' us, get it? An entire sub-sector's records, turned into a daemon of little-c chaos to hide many a greater plan...hmm, perhaps I should get on that. What if I shared me story about the underhiver revolt we've been stirring up? You know that the dearly departed Lord Governor wasn't that...hrm, 'well-liked,' shall we say. But what about those small-scale riots he encouraged to frighten his nobles with? Ever wonder where those underhiver rabble managed to get their hands on heavy stubbers? You see, Inquisitor, the truth is in my spit which landed on your Interrogator seventy-three seconds ago - and on a few anonymous crewmen several hours previously. Your Navy's quarantine protocols are sound, and the local Navy is competent enough to choke out an infestation of Nurgle's Rot before it infects the entire sub-sector's fleets. Of course, with this battleship's higher-level crews badly depleted, wherever shall you get more crewman than from the noblemens' brats down below? Defeat us? Inquisitor, you are us. Every man who dreams of a better life serves the Lord of Lies. Every lie, every conspiracy, every human scheming to get ahead strengthens Him. A Guardsman praying for a happier tomorrow offers up far more sincere worship than me withered old ass in me secluded chambers. And the greatest secret of all is this: we're really on your side. The dedicated believers of Tzeentch, we devoted followers of the Architect of Fate - we're humanitarians. Humanity needs us, just like we need humanity. Your Imperium is an old, rotting structure standing in the way of true progress; you worship and strengthen the Lord of Decay just by existing! So go ahead, Inquisitor. Me fellows have already got our plans in motion to cut the sub-sector away from your corruption, to let humanity advance and conquer the stars like it was always meant to. We'll see mankind free or die trying. Or perhaps I'm just trying to one-up me fellows. Tee hee! -- KHORNE You ever killed a man, meat? Yer fancy Navy guns an' shite've probably shed more blood than I'll ever take, but I kin see it in yer eyes, meat - yeh ain't blooded yet. C'mon, meat. Mayhaps I'll kill you in a bit, but I don't prefer ta kill somethin' what ain't properly lived. Take the knife. TAKE IT! TAKE IT, YAH SHITEHEAD! USE IT! FECKIN' USE IT! KILL ME! BLOOD! BLOOD! BLOOD! BLOOD! ... Yeh can't, can yeh? That's why yer meat, 'stead of a man. A man kin kill, easy as meat like you breathes. A man kin cut, an' slice, an' bring out the blood tah the surface. Lookit it. Lookit yer blood. LOOK AT IT. That's truth. Ain't no point to this shitehole, or any shitehole out there. Ain't no point ta wealth, or in-flew-ince, or family, or all that shite. Just blood. See it? 'S in everything - even Iron Men got blood of a sorts. 'S power there, comin' from yer throat to me. Yeh can have all the money in this 'verse, but I kin shed yer blood. Now, who's the one with power here? I'm gonna kill yeh, meat. I'm gonna rip yer skull from yer neck, an' bring it ta the God of Blood, an' I'll take the one thing that matters in all this 'verse. An' yeh ain't gonna stop me, are yeh? Meat, yer gonna sit there with that dumb-shite look on yer face, an' hope an' pray that I'll let yeh live, even as I tell yeh right now. Used ta pray, meself. Used ta ask the Emperor, up on his golden pisser, ta come save me from the Maelstrom's slave pens. Me friends got taken, an' I prayed. Me family got taken, an' I prayed. Then they came fer me, an' I knew the Emperor wouldn't do shite. So I tried it a little diff'rent, an' when I prayed with axe an' knife 'stead of words an' cryin, seems like I got answered real quick. So now, meat, I'm gonna make another prayer. Huh. Ya know, it don't feel too different from this end. How are yeh, my man? Don't cry; DON'T YOU FECKIN' DISRESPECT THIS! Yeh ain't meat no more; don't you dare feckin' forget it. Ain't any point to living. All of us, from the Gods ta us mortals, all of us're gonna die. Sooner or later, come your time too, an' yeh'll be down here instead. Don't that make yeh angry? Ay, me man, I kin see it in yer eyes. Yer angry; hell, why shouldn't yeh be? We done killed yer ship, we killed yer mates, an' soon me mates'll kill yeh too. Don't yeh feel some feckin' RAGE? When they come fer yeh, I want yeh ta respect 'em good. Respect yerself, too - yer a man now, so act like it. Make 'em work fer it, ta shed yer blood an' take yer bones. BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD! SKULLS FOR HIS THRO- -- SLAANESH Hush, you silly man. Yes, you’re dying, your seed is spilling out blah de blah de blah-ENOUGH! Can’t you give me some proper moaning and groaning? I’m not asking for much here! Every nobleman I kill, every single one, they always blubber about ‘how this could possibly happen.’ Really, darling, did you actually think that the “stunningly beautiful specimen” - my thanks for that compliment, by the way - at your doorstep would just meekly walk in, without an agenda surrounding her? Can’t you just relax and enjoy the sheer artistry of this moment? I made a real effort on this one, darling, I really did. The timing, the poise, the sheer majesty of death in the throes of life - but you ruined it! Ruined my beautiful, glorious art! Couldn’t you have finished properly, at your appointed time, to fit with the rest of the ritual? But noooo, you just had to keep going, and how the Daemonettes have probably fecked off to wherever else the Warp takes ‘em. This whole planet, I swear - it’s grinding on me. Those Nurglite degenerates below, Khornate raiders above, some Inquisitor causing trouble with his black ships - it’s enough to drive a girl to madness, I tell you! Why, today I nearly let myself get scraped: this priceless porcelain skin, almost marred through sheer stupidity! Your guards really needed to touch up on their close-combat training, by the way; had you not been part of the ritual, I might have even trained them myself. There was one, name of Melody, I think; mmmm, she looked positively tasty... Hmph. All’s well that ends well, at least. This’ll hardly grab what I was hoping for, but a few Daemonettes in your little gala below should still do the trick. M’Lord Governor, you really shouldn’t have brought all of your noble houses together for such a tasty, delectable gathering; didn’t you ever hear the saying “an orgy a day keeps the Imperials away?” Oh, right, you’re probably wishing for a corpse-worshipper or two right now. Ahhhhh...that took you long enough, silly man. It also took an injection of some very choice drugs that I was saving for later - another little insult to hold against you. Couldn’t you have brought me some proper pleasure? It’s all I’m asking for in this worthless reality - just a little fun and happiness, some silks, amesac, a few good knives, a good array of targets...hrm, perhaps I’ll have to think on that more. Of course, with the favors I’ll gain from this, I should have more than a few pleasures to enjoy. It should definitely make the coming Exterminatus much nicer - so long as I’m watching it from a departing passenger liner, of course. Why? Why kill you? Why summon daemons from your corpse? Why gut your planetary government in a stunning, beautiful orgy of bloodletting, overlaying a right old-fashioned Imperial orgy, to send your whole hive-city into the soft arms of the Prince of Pleasure? WHY? Why not? -- IMPERIAL Faith. I don't know when you gave it up, lost child. Were you never loved when you were young? Did a woman spurn you, or did the system beat you down? What hardships drove you, controlled you, until you came before me today? It's hard to keep faith when I see children like you, broken and despoiled, then tossed aside when their purpose is finished. Oh yes, my boy, you're hardly the first ringleader I've seen down here, and you might yet not be the last. You’re full of fire and fury, just like all the ones before, but you and I both know that it’s a hollow feeling. There’s a faith-sized hole in your heart, and no amount of Warp-spawn will fill it. You don’t have faith in the Imperium. You don’t have faith in your fellow man. You can’t even believe in love, or hope, or joy and despair that doesn’t come from an alien abomination. You can’t see the ocean of corruption, yet you’re drowning in it. You’re lost in the wilderness, little child, and only you and the Emperor can know how deep you’ve sunk. Other lost children have asked me why I stay. Minister of a sad little church, shepard of a tiny flock, drowning in the greed and corruption from above - I’m just one man. I stand here fighting a battle already lost, with the hive in flames, the Governor and his cronies dead, and the black ships standing watch above. Perhaps there is no point to this mad universe; mayhaps it truly is a galaxy spinning adrift from rhyme or reason. Yet the Emperor, for all his power, was just one man. Horus the Betrayer, Saint Sebastian Thor, and even humble Ollanius Pius were all just men. You are one man, as am I. Each of us may be saints or sinners, as we make of the lives given us. I look at you, strong in Warp-borne mutations and diseases, and all I can see is weakness. You were so frail that when hardship bore down on you, and when this harsh reality sunk its claws in, you bargained your immortal soul away for relief from a little pain. Your physical strength cannot hide your spiritual weakness: where better men stood fast and died proudly, you sold out your Emperor and your fellow man for your worthless life. So come on, lost children. We’ve all made our choices, and now those choices have made us. I shall bring you into His light with cleansing flame and prayers, and redeem us all in death. Come one or come all, you shall not put a foot into this hallowed ground while I still draw breath. For I have faith, and that is enough. | |||||
