Hey the names Hannah people!!

Im 16 years old and apparently im weird?

whats that? you'd like to know a bit about me? well ok then.

Im really irritated at some of the casting for the City of Bones movie. I mean I get that a lot of people like it but I don't. I don't like who they have for Alec, Jace and Magnus (Godfrey Gao is so not my choice for Magnus, just sayin'). Don't get me wrong they're great actors but they are wrong for the parts!! Sorry, rant over. Please continue reading :D

My hopes and dreams are for me to be able to move to New York and my second language is Albanain and my third is French. My dads side of the family are from Kosovo (and yes that is a real country).

im very bad at updating mainly due to the fact that im sitting 5 highers this year!(very important people! so if youre in the same boat as me, get yo ass studyin'!) and the fact that I have no willpower WHATSOEVER!!! im better at posting oneshots because there is no pressure to update. i also live in a fantasy world but Shhhh! its a secret, people might think im weird! (hehe woops to late!)

i have a little brother named Adem (and yes its an E not an A, cos its an albanian name. sigh, i wish i had an Albanian name, i think they are soo cool x)

I totally love Adam Lambert!! like really love him!! to the point of obsession :) isn't that right Kayleigh?

well thats bout it people x im not all that interesting but hey, what can ya do? we all cant have the glamours life we all hope and dream for. And the most important thing about me you should know? im in love with my Favourite book charecter Roarke.(Sigh) My Aingeal (My Angel)

(Gaelic)Feisigh do thoin fein( yeah you dont get to know what this means) but for those of you whose speak gaelic you probaby know what it means. A favourite book charecter of mine said it (Roarke obviously) and when i found out what it meant i laughed so hard i fell of my bed.

My beta is hearts a heavy burden x, she rocks and is absolutly brilliant!

oh! and im not always a dork...sometimes i sleep.

Funny stuff that makes me laugh:

"Some days the supply of available curse words is insufficient to meet my demands"

Please Note: CHRISTMAS IS CANCELLED... apparently you told Santa that you have been good this year...he died laughing.

When someone touches my phone I automatically turn into a NINJA!!

An English professor wrote the words: "A woman without her man is nothing" on the chalkboard and asked his students to punctuate it correctly. All the males in the class wrote: "A woman, without her man, is nothing". All the females in the class wrote: "A woman: with out her, man Is nothing" PUNCTUATION IS POWERFUL!

Dear Karma, I have a list of people you missed.

"Do you ever get the feeling you're being watched? Because if its bothering you, I'll stop"

The awkward moment when you finish watching a TV series and you don't know what to do with you life any more.

My life is a constant battle between my love of food and not wanting to get fat.

SARCASM: Just one of the many services I offer.

We're friends. You laugh. I laugh. You cry. I cry. You jump off a bridge. I get on my boat and save your retarded ass.

Don't grow up! its a trap.

I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Why do Banks keep their pens on a chain? I trust them with my money, I think they can trust me with their pen.

I love how in scary movies the person yells out "Hello?" as if the killer is going to be like "Yeah im in the kitchen, want a sandwich?"

When you're home alone & someone knocks on your door 10% say "Who is it?", 64% look through the peephole, 25% open the door, 1% crawl around on the ground like a ninja and look through the window very quietly to make sure it isn't a masked murderer. Repost this if you're that 1%.

You know when you walk into a room and forget why you went in there? That's God playing Sims, he just cancelled your action.

Does anyone else listen to their music and imagine an epic story to go with it with yourself as the main character? Or is that just me?

Im the kind of girl who will burst out laughing in dead silence at something that happened yesterday.

Don't just laugh! answer the pepperoni!

When I don't feel like talking, I put my headphones in and hope people get the hint.

Enjoy life, there's plenty of time to be dead.

Coffee is God. ( I don't actually like coffee but my favourite book character worships it (Eve Dallas, Roarke's wife) and when I read this it made me chuckle because I thought of her)

Im lazy and I know it.

A rabbit runs, jumps and lives for only 15 years. A turtle doesn't run and does nothing, yet lives for 300 years. Morale: exercise is hell. Sleep well!

Do NOT interrupt me when im TALKING to myself!

Life always offers you a second chance: its called Tomorrow.

You never know what you have...Until you clean your room.

Funny how I have a better conversation in my head with myself than I do with most people.

If each day is a gift, id like to know where I can return Mondays.

Girls are superhero's! Because who else could bleed for 5 days and not die?

No matter how old, or how bad ass you think you are, when a toddler hands your their ringing toy phone, you answer it.

I dream of a better world where chickens can cross roads without having their motives questioned.

Good friends don't let you do stupid things...Alone.

He said..."I don't know why you wear a bra; you've nothing to put in it" She said..."You wear pants don't you?"

When life gives you lemons, squeeze them in peoples eyes.

Please God- if you cant make me thin...make all my friends fat!!

Hey You. Yeah you. No, not you...That other guy. You right there! Yes, you. Do you like tacos?

God put me on this earth to accomplish a certain number of things...Right now Im so far behind I'll never die.

For all those men who say, "Why buy the whole cow when you can get the milk for free"... Here's an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage, why? Because women realise its not worth buying an entire pig, just to get a little sausage...

Why is Monday so far from Friday, and Friday to near Monday?

Im not clumsy. its just the floor hates me, the tables and chairs are bullies and the walls get in the way.

Oh, im sorry. I forgot, I only exist when you need something.

Oh, so you wanna argue? BRING IT! I got my CAPS LOCK ON!

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.

I pretend idiots are really intellectuals being cuttingly sarcastic... the world is suddenly a better place.

The amount of sleep required by the average person is five minutes more.

I don't think I could ever stab someone. I mean, lets be honest here. I can barely get the straw through the Capri Sun.

When life hands you lemons, make Grape Juice. Then sit back and watch as the world wonders how you did it.

I find a duck's opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.

I stopped fighting my inner demons. We're on the same side now.

Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill.

I hate nerds that cover up their answers. Come on, lets work together bro.

In case of Emergency...Run like Hell.

Beware of the dog...The cat is not trustworthy either.

Woman: "If you were my husband, I'd poison your coffee" Man:" If you were my wife I'd drink it" Marriage: the only war where you sleep with the enemy.

Humanity is losing its geniuses. Aristotle died, Newton passed away, Einstein died and im not feeling well today.

I keep trying to kidnap Jasper but Alice is always at his window with a bat waiting for me, how does she kn-Ohh, Rightt...

Smile, it confuses people.

I was born intelligent, but education ruined me.

Out of my mind...Back in 5 minutes.

I hate when people see me at the supermarket and they are like: "hey what are you doing here?" and im just like: "Oh you know, hunting elephants"

When im bored, I text a random number saying "I hid the body...now what?"

Take revenge...Crap on a pigeon.

When food falls on the floor. Little germs: "Lets get it!" King Germs: "No! We must wait for 5 seconds!"

FACEBOOK is like jail. you sit around, waste time, have a profile picture, write on walls and get poked by guys you really don't know.

You're 90% of the reason I get up each morning. The other 10% is because I have to pee.

Every time I feel the urge to exercise, I lie down until it goes away.

I smile because I have no idea what's going on.

Common sense is not a gift, its a punishment. Because you have to deal with everyone who doesn't have it.

3 am phone call.. "Hey are you asleep??"..."No im skydiving"

If the world really ends in 2012, iv just wasted my whole life in school. Lovely.

My Favourite books are ( and im going to list them all, well what i can remember. because im that sad and have absolutley no life whatsoever) :

Any book written by Nora Roberts/J.D.Robb

The Mortal Instruments series

Under the never sky

The Infernal Devices series

The In Death Series

The Fifty Shades of Grey Trilogy

The Demon Traper series

The Weather Warden series

The Unbound series

The Hunger Games

The Soul Screamer Series

The Chicagoland Vampires series (Ethan is not dead!)

The House of Night series

The Night Hunter series

The Morganville vampires series

The Mercy series

Angel series

Divergant series

The Night World series

Blood Vines

Die for me

The body Finder series

The Fallen series ( thats with Daniel and Luce BTW)

Raised by Wolves series

Nightshade series

The Hollow series

The Splendour Falls

Die for Me series

Black Hills

Hush Hush series

The Dark Divine series

Shiver Trilogy

If i stay & Where she Went

Twilght

And many more. sorry its late and i cant remember any more of the top of my head.

Now on to T.V shows!!!:

Bones

Castle

Rizzoli and Isles

Once Upon A Time

King

The Good Wife

NCIS

NCIS:Los Angeles

Waking the Dead

The Body Farm

Waterloo Road

Mrs Brown's Boys

CSI:New York

DCI Banks

The Mentalist

The Gaurdian

Royal Pains

House

The Secret Circle ( and no i have not read the books! )

10 Commandments of a Teenager

1) Thou shall not sneak out when parents are sleeping.
(why wait that long)
2) Thou shall not do drugs.
(alcohol lasts longer, not to mention being cheaper.)
3) Thou shall not steal from K-Mart.
(Walmart has a bigger selection)
4) Thou shall not be arrested for vandalism.
(destruction has a bigger effect, I can tell you all about this)
5) Thou shall not steal from your parents.
(everyone knows grandma has more money)
6) Thou shall not get into fights.
(Cat fight anyhow...just start them.)
7) Thou shall not skip class.
(just take the whole day off)
8) Thou shall not strip in class.
(Hooters pays more)
9) Thou shall not think about having sex.
(like Nike says, "just do it")
10) Thou shall not help old ladies across the street.
(just leave'm in the middle)

This is a true story. A girl died in 1933. A man buried her when she was still alive. The murder chanted, "Toma Sota balcu," as he buried her. Now that you have read this chant, you will meet this little girl. In the middle of the night she will be on your ceiling. She will suffocate you like she was suffocated. If you post this on your profile, she will not bother you. Your kindness will be rewarded. Lucillia

girl and guy were speeding over 100mph on a motorcycle

Girl: Slow down, I'm scared!

Guy: No, this is fun.

Girl: No, it's not. Please, I'm scared.

Guy: Then tell me you love me.

Girl: I love you, now slow down!

Guy: Now give me a big hug.

She gives him a big hug

Guy: Can you take off my helmet and put it on yourself, it's bothering me.

In the newspaper the next day, a motorcycle had crashed into a building because of break failure. Two people were on it and only one survived. The truth was that halfway down the road, the guy realized his break wasn't working but he didn't want the girl to know. Instead he had her hug him and tell him one last time that she loved him. Then he had her put on his helmet so that she would live even if he died. Copy this onto your profile if you would do the same thing for someone you love

"They hurt her..."

About six years ago in India, Carmen Winstead was pushed down a sewer opening by five girls in her school, trying to embarrass her in front of her school during a firedrill. When she didn't submerge, the police were called. They went down and brought up 17-year-old Carmen Winstead's body, with her neck broken from hitting the ladder, then the cement at the bottom. The girls told every one she fell... they believed them.

Fact: About two months later, 16-year-old David Gregory read this post and didn't repost it. when he went to take a shower he heard laughter, started freaking out, and went to his computer to repost it. He said goodnight to his mom and went to sleep, but five hours later, his mom woke up in the middle of the night from a loud noise and David was gone. A few hours later the police found him in the sewer with a broken neck and the skin on his face peeled off.

Even google her name - you'll find this to be true.

If you don't say "they hurt her," Carmen will get you, either from the sewer, the toilet, the shower, or when you go to sleep, you'll wake up in the sewer, in the dark, then Carmen will come and kill you.

Good friends knock on your door. Best friends walk into your house and yell "I'm home."
Good friends will help you up when you fall. Best friends will be on the floor next to you laughing their asses off.
Good friends borrow your things and give them back after a week. Best friends will borrow your things and wont give them back 'till you yell at them.
Good friends will look at you weirdly if you say the wrong thing. Best friends are the ones who dared you to say them.
Good friends will hug you when your dumped. Best friends go after them and make them regret hurting you.
Good friends will refuse your food. Best friends are the reason you have none.
Good friends will try to calm you down from a laughing fit. Best friends will keep you going until you pass out.
Good friends will help you get over a hang over. Best friends make loud noises as punishment for not taking them out with you.
Good friends tell you what you want to hear. Best friends will tell you the truth no matter what.
Good friends bail you out of jail. Best friends will be next to you saying "Let's do that again!"
Good friends know some things about you. Best friends know everything.
Good friends will bitch about about you when you've done something wrong. Best friends will say it too your face then forgive you.
Good friends will make you mad when they tease you. Best friends will just make you laugh.
Good friends respect your privacy. Best friends are the reason you want it so much.
Good friends laugh at you when you do something crazy. Best friends are the one's who dragged you into it.
Good friends are short term. Best friends are for life.

I thought they were really sad . Read them and see what you think. Warning! The poems may make you cry!

“Her hair was up in a ponytail
Her favorite dress tied with a bow
Today was Daddy's Day at school
And she couldn't wait to go.
But her mommy tried to tell her,
That she probably should stay home.
Why the kids might not understand,
If she went to school alone.
But she was not afraid;
She knew just what to say.
What to tell her classmates
Of why he wasn't there today.
But still her mother worried,
For her to face this day alone.
And that was why once again,
She tried to keep her daughter home.
But the little girl went to school,
Eager to tell them all.
About a dad she never sees,
A dad who never calls.
There were daddies along the wall in back,
For everyone to meet
Children squirming impatently,
Anxious in their seats.
One by one the teacher called,
Each student from the class.
To introduce their daddy,
As seconds slowly passed.
At last the teacher called her name,
Every child turned to stare.
Each of them was searching,
For a man who wasn't there.
"Where's her daddy at?"
She heard a boy call out.
"She probably doesn't have one"
Another student dared to shout.
And from somewhere near the back,
She heard a daddy say,
"Looks like another deadbeat dad,
Too busy to waste his day."
The words did not offened her,
As she smiled up at her mom.
And looked back at her teacher,
Who told her to go on.
And with hands behind her back,
Slowly she began to speak.
And out from the mouth of a child,
Came words incredibly unique.
"My daddy couldn't be here,
Because he lives so far away.
But I know he wishes he could be,
Since this is such a special day.
And though you cannot meet him,
I wanted you to know.
All about my daddy,
And how much he loves me so.
He loved to tell me stories
He taught me to ride my bike.
He surprised me with pink roses,
And taught me to fly a kite.
We used to share fudge sundaes,
and ice cream in a cone.
And though you cannot see him,
I'm not standing here alone.
Cause my daddy's always with me
Even though we are apart.
I know because he told me,
He'll forever be in my heart."
With that, her little hand reached up,
and lay across her chest.
Feeling her own heartbeat,
Beneath her favorite dress.
And from somewhere in the crowd of dads,
Her mother stood in tears.
Proudly watching her daughter,
Who was wise beyond her years.
For she stood up for the love
Of a man not in her life.
Doing what was best for her,
Doing what was right.
And when she dropped her hand back down,
Staring straight into the crowd.
She finished with a voice so soft,
But its message clear and loud.
"I love my daddy very much,
He's my shining star.
And if he could he'd be here,
But heaven's just too far.
You see he was a fireman
And died just this past year.
When airplanes hit the towers
And taught Americans to fear.
But sometimes when I close my eyes,
It's like he never went away."
And then she closes her eyes,
And saw him there that day.
And to her mother's amazement,
She witnessed with surprise.
A room full of daddies and children,
All starting to close their eyes.
Who knows what they say before them,
Who knows what they felt inside.
Perhaps for merely a second,
They saw him at her side.
"I know you're with me Daddy."
To the silence she called out.
And what happened next made believers,
Of those once filled with doubt.
Not one in that room could explain it,
For each of their eyes had been closed.
But there on the desk beside her,
Was a fragrant long-stemmed pink rose.
And a child was blessed, if only for a moment,
By the love of her shining bright star.
And given the gift of believing,
That heaven is never too far.”

"I went to a party,
And remembered what you said.
You told me not to drink, Mom
So I had a sprite instead.
I felt proud of myself,
The way you said I would,
That I didn't drink and drive,
Though some friends said I should.
I made a healthy choice,
And your advice to me was right,
The party finally ended,
And the kids drove out of sight.
I got into my car,
Sure to get home in one piece,
I never knew what was coming, Mom
Something I expected least.
Now I'm lying on the pavement,
And I hear the policeman say,
The kid that caused this wreck was drunk,
Mom, his voice seems far away.
My own blood's all around me,
As I try hard not to cry.
I can hear the paramedic say,
This girl is going to die.
I'm sure the guy had no idea,
While he was flying high,
Because he chose to drink and drive,
Now I would have to die.
So why do people do it, Mom
Knowing that it ruins lives?
And now the pain is cutting me,
Like a hundred stabbing knives.
Tell sister not to be afraid,
Tell daddy to be brave,
And when I go to heaven,
Put Daddy's Girl on my grave.
Someone should have taught him,
That its wrong to drink and drive.
Maybe if his parents had,
I'd still be alive.
My breath is getting shorter, Mom
I'm getting really scared.
These are my final moments,
And I'm so unprepared.
I wish that you could hold me Mom,
As I lie here and die.
I wish that I could say, "I love you, Mom!"
So I love you and good-bye."

A STORY OF A SAD GIRL..

Her name was Abby
She was only five
This is what happened
...When she was alive

Her dad was a drunk
Her mom was an addict
Her parents kept her
Locked in an attic

Her only friend
was a little toy bear
It was old and worn out
And had patches of hair

She always talked to it
When no one's around
She lays there and hugs it
Not a peep of sound

Until her parents
unlock the door
Some more and more pain
She'll have to endore

A bruise on her leg
A scar on her face
Why would she be
In such a horrible place?

But she grabs her bear
And softly crys
She loves her parents
But they want her to die

She sits in the corner
Quiet but thinking,
" God, why? Why is
My life always sinking? "

Such a bad life
For a sad little kid
She'd get beaten and beaten
For anything she did

Then one night
Her mom came home high
The poor child was hit and slapped
As hours went by

Then her mom suddenly
Grabbed for a blade
It was sharp and pointy
One that she made

She thrusted the blade
Right in her chest,
" You deserve to die
You worthless pest! "

The mom walked out
Leaving the girl slowly dying
She grabbed her bear
And again started crying

Police showed up
At the small little house
They quickly barged in
Everything was as quiet as a mouse

One officer slowly
Opened a door
To find the sad little girl
Lying on the floor

It must have been bad
To go through so much harm
But at least she died
With her best friend in her arms

Post This On Your Profile If Your Against Child Abuse

My name is Tiffany

I am three,

My eyes are swollen

I cannot see,

I must be stupid

I must be bad,

What else could have made

My daddy so mad?

I wish I were better

I wish I weren’t ugly,

Then maybe my mommy

Would still want to hug me.

I can’t do a wrong

I can’t speak at all

Or else im locked up

All day long.

When im awake im all alone

The house is dark

My folks aren’t home

When my mommy does come home

I'll try and be nice,

So maybe ill just get

One whipping tonight.

I just heard a car

My daddy is back

From Charlie’s bar.

I hear him curse

My name is called

I press myself

Against the wall

I try to hide

From his evil eyes

I’m so afraid now

I’m starting to cry

He finds me weeping

Calls me ugly words,

He says its my fault

He suffers at work.

He slaps and hits me

And yells at me more,

I finally get free

And run to the door

He’s already locked it

And i start to bawl,

He takes me and throws me

Against the hard wall

I fall to the floor

With my bones nearly broken,

And my daddy continues

With more bad words spoken,

"I’m sorry!", I scream

But its now much to late

His face has been twisted

Into a unimaginable shape

The hurt and the pain

Again and again

O please God, have mercy!

O please let it end!

And he finally stops

And heads for the door

While i lay there motionless

Brawled on the floor

My name is tiffany

I am three,

Tonight my daddy

Murdered me

And you can help, Sickens me top the soul,

And if you read this and don’t pass it on. I pray for your forgiveness. Because you would have to be. One heartless person. To not be affected. By this Poem. And because you are affected. Do something about it! So all i ask you to do.Is pass this on!

IF YOU ARE AGAINST CHILD ABUSE

poem about suicide:

I'm Going To Draw A Picture,

A Picture With A Twist;

I'll Draw It With A Razor Blade,

I'll Draw It On My Wrist.

And As I Draw This Picture,

A Fountain Will Appear;

And As This Fountain Flows,

My Troubles Dissapear...

WHAT A KISS MEANS

Kiss on the stomach = "I'm ready"
Kiss on the Forehead = "I hope we're together forever"
Kiss on the Ear = "You're my everything"
Kiss on the Cheek = "We're friends"
Kiss on the Hand = "I adore you"
Kiss on the Neck = "we belong together"
Kiss on the Shoulder = "I want you"
Kiss on the Lips = "I love you"

What the gesture means...
Holding Hands = "we definitely love each other"
Slap on the Butt = "That's mine"
Holding on tight = "I don't want to let go"
Looking into each others Eyes = "I just plain love you"
Playing with Hair = "Tell me you love me"
Arms around the Waist = "I love you too much to let go"
Laughing while Kissing = "I am completely comfortable with you"
picking someone up off their feet = "that they love them fully and would do anything for them"

--Advice--
Don't ask for a kiss, take one
If you were thinking about someone while reading this,
you're definitely in Love.

--Requirements--
Post this again after reading!!
Or you will have a bad year of Relationships.

If you LIKE, LOVE, OR MISS someone right now
and can't get them out of your head
then Re-post this within One Minute and Whoever you are missing will surprise you.
Repost this as what a kiss means.

Girl: Do I ever cross your mind?

Boy: No

Girl: Do you like me?

Boy: No

Girl: Do you want me?

Boy: No

Girl: Would you cry if I left?

Boy: No

Girl: Would you live for me?

Boy: No

Girl: Would you do anything for me?

Boy: No

Girl: Choose--me or your life

Boy: My life

The girl runs away in shock and pain and the boy runs after her and says...

The reason you never cross my mind is because you're always on my mind.

The reason why I don't like you is because I love you.

The reason I don't want you is because I need you.

The reason I wouldn't cry if you left is because I would die if you left.

The reason I wouldn't live for you is because I would die for you.

The reason why I'm not willing to do you anything for you is because I would do everything for you.

The reason I chose my life is because you ARE my life.

If you find this incredibly cute and touching, copy and paste it into your profile

Check this out...

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty

uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal

pweor of the hmuan mnid. Aoccdrnig to a

rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't

mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the

olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer

be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl

mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm.

Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed

ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.

Amzanig huh? Yaeh and I awlyas thought slpeling

was ipmorantt! tahts so cool!

If you could read that put it in your profile.

just want to thank some of my bestest friends who have been completely awesome you guys know who you are but for those of you who are thick and dont realise i think youre awesome im gonna list you:

Melissa: my sarcastic and funny friend who has the same book interests as me.

Rebecca: my quiet yet understanding chemistry and biology buddy!

Trixie: the one who puts up with me on a daily basis and dosnt complain once about it!

Kayleigh: the one i bounce fanfic ideas of and my music twin!

Madison: Who makes fun of Big Wendy G! and makes me laugh.

Rosie: who is always smiling.

P.S Melissa i know a lot of those jokes on your profile are about me! i aint as thick as you seem to think i am. hurtfull so and so :P

A man buys a lie detector robot that slaps people who lie. he decides to test it at dinner. Dad: son where were you today during school hours? Son: At School( robot slaps son) okay! i went to the movies! Dad: which one? Son: Harry Potter.(robot slaps son again!) ok i was watching porn. Dad: What? when i was your age i didnt even know what porn was! (Robot slaps dad) Mom: Hahaha! After all he is your son! (Robot slaps mom)

cop on a horse says to a girl on a bike "Did santa get you that?" "Yes" replies the little girl "well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!" says the cop and fines her £5. the little girl looks up at the cop and says "Nice horse you've got there, did santa bring you that?" the cop chuckles and replies "he sure did!" "well" says the little girl "Next year tell santa that the d*ck goes under the horse not on top of it!"

A mother askes her son to go the shop to buy a bag of cherries to bake into her cake. he goes to the shop and buys the cherrys. but on the way home he accidentally ate them, he thought to himself "oh crap iv ate all the cherries and have no money buy more" so he goes to his room and brings out his marbles and paints them red. he gives them to his mother who bakes them into a cake for dinner. later at dinner the mother asks "Who wants cake?" everyone raises their hands. later that night the dad comes out of the toilet and says "i just done a poo and cracked the pan" the daughter the says "If you think thats bad, earlier i farted and shot the dog"

There once was a dragon and this dragon had an unusul fasination with the queen's breasts. one day the dragon let slip to the doctor of his fasination. the doctor said "i will help you touch the Queen's breasts if you will pay me 2000 pounds" the dragon quikly agreed. the next day while the queen was bathing the doctor sliped itching powder into the queens bra. the queen called for the doctor and the doctor said that the only cure for the itching was dragons saliva. the queen then called for the dragon to come to her chambers and sort her problem. later the doctor asked the dragon for his payment and the dragon refused "you have already helped me therefore i do not need to help you because if you tell anyone you will get into trouble as well" the next day the doctor slipped the itching powder into the king's loincloth and so the king then called for the dragon.

what did the dragon say to the night in shinning armour? Oh no not another canned meal.

Boy: Hey babe, you wanna come over?
Girl: Sure! What do you wanna do?
Boy: I'll give you a hint. It involves pillows and blankets.
Girl: OHH MY GOD!!! We're gonna make a fort!!!

Man: Where have you been all my life?
Woman: Hiding from you.

Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.

Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.

Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.

Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?

Man: IfI could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

Man: If I could rearrange the alphabet I'd put u and i together
Woman: Really, I'd put f and u together

Man: Your eyes they're amazing.
Woman: Seeing your back would be pretty amazing.

If you repost this you will get a phone call 37 minutes after you repost
this...
If you don't resend this then your love life will be doomed for eternity.

Don’t mess with me! I have a stick! (literally)

Some people need to be given a high five... in the face...with a brick.

Wow, you actually made it to the bottom? im impressed, really I am. I rarely ever make it here myself. im sorry if I bored ya because really I was just rambling hoping to make it seem like im actually an interesting person when Im really not. oh well, if you were bored its your own fault anyway for continuing to read :D

"I didn't LOSE my marbles, exactly...I just sold 'em. On EBay!"

(Gaelic) Ta cion agam ort always, (shQip) edhe te dua shum, Hannah. ( I love you always, and love you loads Hannah)

(Gaelic)A grha ( My Love )

(Italian)Ciao X ( Bye )

P.S always remember-(Latin) Omnia causa fiunt! ( everything happens for a reason )