Author has written 1 story for Twilight.
I am a woman who believes there are too many authors out there who write complete and utter wastes of time, just to prove their own stupidity to the world. I have quite a few stories of my own and am one of the few, it seems, who still believe writing is a gift. A gift to be used to bring the imagination to life on a page for others to marvel at. Writing is not often thought of as such, but it is an art. Art deserves to be seen, but only true art (an expression of soul, mind, and imagination), stays with readers an on-lookers even after they have walked away from it. That is what writing should be. Something that stays with you long after you've read it. Posting anything else is pointless.
The Idiot's Guide to Flaming
Here it is ladies and gentlemen. I am going to personally hand out some tips on how to properly flame.
Now I will admit that I've only ever been flamed once, but let me tell you that it was a sore disappointment. I was waiting for my first flame and then when it came, it was a complete flop. I've seen an awful lot of poorly executed flames here and there and I think it's about time that people start spreading the word on proper flaming before one of these idiots hurts themselves. So here are the basic rules:
1) Please have a point. I can't stress this enough people. If you think something sucks, there has to be a reason. If you have no point then there's no point in reading your review.
2) Post some literary venture of your own before you attempt a flame. Think of it as your resume. We need to see some credentials damn it! You can't just walk in off the street! How do we know if you're qualified to be making this judgment? We can't let people go around writing these things all willy-nilly. If nothing else, it's bad form not to give us something we can flame you back for. (Remember, you only get the credit for this one if you're brave enough to sign in.)
3) Check your spelling and grammar. There's nothing worse then making a bunch of grammatical errors right in the middle of telling someone else what's wrong with their writing. You lose all credibility. Yeah... You hear that?... They're laughing at you!
4) Do it with style. You've heard the saying, I'm sure. 'If a thing is worth doing it's worth doing well.' If you're actually going to take the time to cut someone down, the least you could do is get their attention. A simple 'duh... it sucks George' is not gonna cut it. Seriously. If you intend to be mean, then at least try to come off like the villain, and not like one of his nameless henchmen. (thinkscathing)
5) Read summary warnings. Trust me. You don't want to go ripping on people for content that you were clearly warned about. That honestly only makes you look like an idiot. Wait, what's that?... Oh, they're laughing at you again!
6) Throw in some amusing word play. When you step into the arena baby, you want to show off your skills. A truly good flame entertains the crowd. That way people don't just plain hate you outright. You want them to almost look forward to more of your acerbic wit.
7) NO CAPS LOCK!!! OR REPETITIVE PUNCTUATION!!!. Not only does this make you look like a spazz, but it totally removes the element of surprise. It's far too unsubtle. The author will immediately take note of what's going down and possibly not bother to read at all, and that's no fun. The best flames are sneak attacks. You want to lull your target into a false sense of security.
8) Keep the cursing to a minimum. I know you may be tempted to show off that 'vast vocabulary' of yours. But while a single curse (or creative phrase) in the right placement can accentuate a point or give a flame some interesting flavor, an over abundance of cursing will make it seem that you're trying to cover the fact that you don't actually have anything relevant to say. Remember, there is in fact a difference between enthusiasm and Tourette Syndrome. (And those people have a real problem. You shouldn't mock them like that... you animal)
And last but not least
9) Think quality, not quantity. Try -as hard as you can, for the love of god- to refrain from overzealously spamming the author with mountains of inane reviews, especially for a fic that you know is already complete. You cannot automatically assume that your opinion is important enough to the author that they'll actually bother to read twenty-some-odd crappy (repetitive and/or conflicting) comments. -yawn- You have to earn that kind of importance through a demonstration of skill and intelligence. While one may be able to get away with the multiple review tactic if each review has real substance, generally one big well-executed flame at the end has much more impact.
There they are. Please feel free to rip them off and post them where ever the hell you like. Don't hesitate to let me know if there's anything that you think should be added to the list as well. I may think of some more later myself. Invariably you think of more of them when you happen to see a poorly executed flame. It's a real problem and we need to get people educated on the issue.
I'd like to finish with a moment of silence for all the poor, lame little flames out there who never really had a chance...
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