|Icy Metal and Frost Blue Roses|
Author has written 19 stories for Real Steel, Alice in Wonderland, Transformers/Beast Wars, Alice in Wonderland, 2010, Fossil Fighters, Kingdom Hearts, and Avengers.
Hey! If you're reading this, you've stumbled across my little piece of FanFiction! Warning: you're about to enter a freakishly long profile thingy and you might never find your way back out! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!
"No matter how big and bad you are, when a two year old hands you a toy phone, you answer it." That's so true! I don't care who you are! X3
My motto: "Don't get confused between my personality and my attitude. My personality is who I am, my attitude depends on who you are."
Before you guys spaz out on me, yes, I changed my pen name. People I know that I don't want to go reading my stuff on FanFiction found me so I felt I should change my name. Like my new icon? Everyone just needs a bit more femme Hatter in their life. XD
Things I like: The color blue, Alice in Wonderland, Predators, Aliens, Transformers, Gundam, Kingdom Hearts, music, reading and writing (obviously), and cop shows.
Alice in Wonderland ('51 & '10)
The Dark Knight
Transformers ('85 & the ones from '07, '09, & '11)
Pink Panther ('06)
Aliens vs. Predators
Battle: Los Angeles
Pirates of the Caribbean
Fav. TV Shows
Alice series on Syfy
Body Of Proof
Rizzoli & Isles
Transformers (whatever series it comes in except the Rescue Bots and Go Bots so you can hang that up)
The Big Bang Theory
Batman: The Animated Series (I don't watch it all the time, but I do when I can come to an agreement with my siblings when it's on)
Fossil Fighters (first and second games)
Kingdom Hearts series
Alice in Wonderland
Sonic the Hedgehog
Shadow the Hedgehog
Alice in Wonderland/Through the Looking Glass
Transformers (Novelized. Oh, yeah.)
Jack Sparrow (I haven't read it in forever, but I'd like to read it again. I have never read the last few installments of the series 'cause I can't find them. I'd like to, but I can't. -_-#)
Down the Rabbit Hole (read it in three days! :D Awesome!)
rock (classic like Journey and hard rock like Shinedown, y'know? I like to keep my options open.)
I am now officially able to be adopted as your personal beta fish (beta reader) on FanFiction!
One important thing you should probably know about me and the time when I'm on FanFiction (which is almost all the time) is if I find a story that I really, really like, I have a tendency to favorite and follow both the story and its author. Basically, I click all four of those pretty little buttons under the review button. :D If you do the same thing or do something very similar to this, copy and paste onto your profile.
Copy/Paste spree ahoy!!!!!!
If you believe in Jesus Christ, put this in your profile and don't just ignore this, because in the Bible it says if you deny me, I will deny you in front of my Father in the gates of Heaven.
If you think that those stupid kids should just give that God-forsaken Trix rabbit some Trix, copy this into your profile.
If you believe in reverse psychology and know for a fact that it works, copy this into your profile.
If you have inside jokes...with yourself...copy and paste this into your profile.
If, for no warning, you have laughed during a movie part that wasn't funny, put this in your profile.
If at one time you misspelled or forgot how to spell a word less than four letters...copy and paste this onto your profile.
I like cheese. I have seen purple cows. If two gooses are geese, then why aren't two moose meese, or when two foots are feet, why aren't two footballs feetball? Milk tastes good. People call me crazy, but I'm just random! If you're random and proud of it, copy and paste this in your profile!
Most teens would suffer a heart attack if they saw somebody burning Twilight. Repost this and add your name if you'd be singing campfire songs and toasting marshmallows around it: Ninjakat403, HetaliaSparkleParty, Gir'sdoomsongofdoom, Fluteorwrite, Squintz, Honeyshine, PJOfan4evaGreekgeek, Pokegirlandthorn, reegreeg, Icy Metal and Frost Blue Roses,
If you are a tomboy, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you have no idea why a raven is like a writing desk but pretend you do, copy and paste this to your profile.
If you think that you ought to belong in Wonderland, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you think that Alice was a complete moron for leaving Underland after slaying the Jabberwocky, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you think that Tim Burton should have kept the two kisses between Alice and the Mad Hatter in the movie, put this in your profile.
If you wish you personally knew the Mad Hatter, copy & paste this into your profile!
If you absolutely loved the Mad Hatter, the March Hare, and the Cheshire Cat, put this in your profile!
If you seeing the Tim Burton Alice in Wonderland made you realize you are insane and should go become a member of the Mad Tea Party, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you looked at my profile just to find random quotes or stuff to copy and paste into your profile, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you've ever walked into something that you could have clearly dodged, you just weren't paying close enough attention, copy and paste this on your profile.
If you think that Twilight isn't the greatest thing and people who are obsessed with it should get a life copy and paste this into your profile.
If you get good grades and still know nothing at all, copy and paste this onto your profile.
If your profile is long, copy and paste this on it to make it even longer! (Whoooooo!)
If you managed to copy and paste too many things, then copy and paste this into your profile.
If you daydream 24/7, copy this to your profile.
If you support Captain Jack Sparrow and his jar of dirt, copy and paste this into your profile! (LOL)
If you think that Maths is a pointless subject after you've learnt the basics (e.g. adding and subtracting), copy and paste this onto your profile.
If you think High School Musical is not a real musical, copy this into your profile.
95 of teenagers are concerned with being popular. If you are part of the 5 that aren't, copy this into your profile.
If you often laugh out loud at things inside your own head, copy this into your profile.
If you've been on the computer for hours on end, reading numerous fan fictions, copy this into your profile.
If you are anti-social sometimes copy this into your profile.
If you have strange dreams that never, ever make any sense whatsoever, put this into your profile.
If you're quiet a lot but you're ALSO really loud, copy this into your profile.
If you're weird, copy this into your profile.
If you are reading this, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you have ever just wanted to SLAP someone, copy this onto your profile.
If, for any particular reason, you have laughed during a movie that wasn't funny, put this in your profile. (Only 'cause I was making fun of it. The beginning to Skyfall was boring. :P)
If you are against racism, copy this onto your profile. THE ONLY RACE IS HUMANITY!
If you LOVE reading, copy and paste this into your profile.
If there are times when you wanna annoy people just for the heck of it, copy this into your profile.
If you hate those obnoxious snobby people, PLEASE copy this into your profile.
Weird is good, strange is bad, and odd is when you don't know what to call someone. Weird is the same as different, which is the same as unique, then weird is good! If you are weird and proud of it, copy this into your profile!
If you have ever slapped yourself and/or banged your head on a table for no reason copy and paste this onto your profile. Mostly over writer's block.
If you or your friend (or both) is insane, copy this into your profile. (Being insane is being a genius because Einstein was insane enough to say that E=MC2) One word: PYRO.
98 of the Internet population has a MySpace. If you're part of the 2 that can resist stupid fads, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you hate girly-girls or people who think that they are everything, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you like being utterly random copy and paste this on your profile. ZUCCHINI KNOWS ALL!!!!!!!!!
If you have ever tripped over air, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you ever heard voices in your head, copy and paste this onto your profile.
If you know someone who should be run over by a bus, copy this to your profile. (I would say who I think should be ran over by a bus, except they may still find me on the site and if they do, they'd be pissed at me if they saw their names.)
If you've ever burst out laughing in a quiet room, add this to your profile. (Watching prank videos)
If you think that it's not fair that the guys in Manga and Anime are almost always better than the guys in the real world, copy and paste this in your profile!
If you have ever run into a door, copy this into your profile.
If you have ever pushed on a door that said pull or vise-versa copy, this into your profile.
There's nothing wrong with arguing with yourself. It's when you argue with yourself and LOSE when it's weird. If you agree, copy this and put it in your profile.
If you have ever laughed so hard you either choked, hyperventilated, had your sides cramp, or all of the above copy and paste this on your profile. Every day.
If you hate those mosquitoes giving you mosquito bites, copy and paste this on your profile
If you have been hit in the face with a ball and started laughing copy this on your profile
If you have ever tried to make plans for world domination put this on your profile
If you are a person who acts friendly but has an evil mind and is secretly plotting world domination, copy and paste this into your profile (I is evil :}--Evil face)
If you love Manga and Anime more than anything else, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you have ever tripped up the stairs, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you have ever seen a movie (or show or YouTube video) so many times that you can quote it word for word. And you do at random moments; copy and paste this in your profile.
If you ran up a "Down" escalator, copy this into your profile.
If you'd rather search all over the house for the remote than just push the button on the TV, paste this on your profile.
If you break out in random laughing fits for no apparent reason that last for minutes or even hours on end, copy this into your profile.
If, with no warning, you have laughed during part of a movie that wasn't funny, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you have ever run into a pole, copy this to your profile!
If you don't watch Laguna Beach or the O.C. or The Hills religiously, never have, never will, and are proud of it, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you like to write, copy/paste this into your profile.
If you easily finish one novel a day, copy this onto your profile.
Adults always blame our generation, but have they ever stopped to think who raised us? Copy and paste if you agree!
If you get a kick out of fire, fireworks, explosions, and things that burn or go boom, copy and paste this into your profile! PYROMANIA- Pass it on!
If you are a person who acts friendly but has an evil mind and is secretly plotting world domination, copy and paste this into your profile. (BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!)
If you haven't died yet, copy and paste this onto your profile.
If you frequently use words that your spell checker says don't exist, put this in your profile.
If you have weird friends, copy this into your profile.
If YOU are weird, please copy this into your profile.
If you have ever crashed into a wall while you were sugar high, copy onto profile.
If you forgot your phone number when someone asks for it, copy this into your profile. (I can't even remember my phone number!)
If you are aware that so many people nowadays pretend to be someone they're not, copy this on your profile.
If you've ever tripped over air, copy this into your profile.
If you've ever had a mad laughing fit for no reason, copy this into your profile.
If you've ever walked under something that was about two feet above your head and ducked anyway copy and paste this is your profile.
If you should be doing homework right now, copy this into your profile.
If you have ever forgotten what you were going to say, right before you say it, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you have ever thrown something at your television when you saw a character you despised, whether it be a piece of popcorn, a fork, or a chair, copy and paste this to your profile.
"I walk, talk, and sleep on earth but I live my life in a completely different world" If this sentence describes you then copy this onto your profile.
If you have your own little world, copy this onto your profile.
If you have ever ran into a solid wall copy this to your profile.
If you wish a fictional character was real copy this onto your profile.
If you have ever run into a door copy this into your profile.
If there are times when you wanna annoy people just for the heck of it, copy this into your profile.
If you have ever zoned out for more than five consecutive minutes, copy this into your profile.
If you hate child abuse and wish you could make it to STOP, copy and past this on your profile.
If you've ever wondered what you are like in another dimension, copy and paste this in your profile.
If you've ever talked to yourself, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you have ever gotten so completely sidetracked in a conversation that you don't remember why you were talking in the first place, copy this into your profile.
If you love rain, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you're one of those people who get excited when you see just two reviews, paste this into your profile.
If you are forever alone and proud, copy and paste this to your profile.
If you are insane and proud of it, copy and paste this to your profile.
If you are obsessed with FanFiction copy this into your profile.
If you zone out during the day imagining that same dream continuing on then copy and paste this on your profile.
If you have your own little world, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you believe in reverse psychology and know for a fact that it works, copy this into your profile.
If you know someone who should be run over by a bus, copy this into your profile.
If you hate those irritating mosquitoes giving you mosquito bites copy this in your profile.
Pluto was declared no longer a planet on August 27, 2006, because it was "too small" and "off its orbit" for some scientists' liking. If you think Pluto should still be a planet, copy and paste this to your profile.
If you have ever stared at a computer screen for hours and hours reading stories that people who have no lives what so ever and have enough obsession with something that they start to think that it's real, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you believe in reverse psychology and know for a fact that it works, copy this into your profile.
If you like reading, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you spend multiple hours each day reading or writing or a combination of both...copy and paste this on your profile.
If you're nocturnal and strongly dislike the light, copy this onto your profile.
If you or your best friend is insane copy and paste this onto your profile.
If you hear voices of the characters in your head...copy and paste this on your profile.
If you've ever asked a really stupid, obvious question, copy and paste this one your profile.
If you ever forgotten what you were talking about in a conversation copy and paste this into your profile.
If you are obsessed with FanFiction, copy this into your profile.
If you zone out during the day imagining that same dream continuing on, then copy and paste this on your profile.
If you have your own little world, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you have ever forgotten what you were going to say, right before you say it, copy this into your profile.
If you think being unique is cooler than being cool then copy and paste this onto your profile.
If you are an absolute anime freak then copy and paste this onto your profile.
If you like these copy and paste thingies then paste this on your profile.
If you have a very wide range of interests, copy this into your profile.
If you know someone who should be run over by a bus, copy this into your profile.
98 percent of teenagers do or has tried smoking pot. If you're one of the 2 percent who hasn't, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you hate those irritating mosquitoes giving you mosquito bites copy this in your profile.
Put this in your profile if you didn't know the Alphabet Song and Twinkle Twinkle Little Star had the same tune.
If you have ever said something that has nothing to do with the current conversation, copy and paste this into your profile.
If FanFiction to you is what MySpace is to other people, copy this into your profile.
If you've ever copied and pasted something into your profile, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you are obsessed with Fanfiction copy this into your profile
"Love is like playing the piano. First you must learn to play by the rules, then you must forget the rules and play from your heart."
"I'd rather be hated for who I am than loved for who I'm not."
If you have ever pulled a door that said push, or vise-versa, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you are aware that a lot of people today pretend to be someone their not, copy and paste this into your profile.
My best friend is insane. If you agree, or have an insane friend of your own, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you are bored and like to write stuff, copy and paste this onto your profile.
If you think you can be pretty without being self-centered, copy and paste this into your profile.
Copy this into your profile if you're a procrastination addict!
Weird is good, strange is bad, and odd is when you don't know which to call someone. Weird is the same as different, which is the same as unique, than weird is good. If you are weird and proud of it, copy this onto your profile!
If you know someone (or several someones) who should get run over by a bus, copy this into your profile.
Jesus is the one I serve. Jesus had no servants, yet they called him Master... He had no degree, yet they called him Teacher... He had no medicine, yet they called him Healer... He had no army, yet kings feared him... He won no military battles, yet he conquered the Word... He committed no crime, yet they crucified Him... He was buried in a tomb, yet He lives today... Feel honored to serve such a leader who loves us... If you believe in God and Jesus Christ his Son, then copy and paste this in your profile. If you ignore him, in the Holy Bible, Jesus says, "If you deny me before man, I will deny you before my Father in Heaven..."
Put this in your profile if you know someone who is fighting, has survived, or died of cancer.
If you have ever been so obsessed with something that now everyone is scared of you because of its effects copy this into your profile.
For me, crazy is a loose term. Crazy is when you start dancing in Walmart to its chessy music. Crazy is when you laugh uncontrollably at your own jokes. Crazy is when you stare at a pencil and laugh when someone asks you what is so interesting about the eraser. Crazy is when you have an hour-long sob fest, and then start singing and dancing when your favorite song comes on. Crazy is when you do or say a completely random thing, like "Do you ever wonder where the eraser bits go?" or having a thumbwar with yourself. Crazy is when you type up all your favorite sayings, print them off and tape them to your wall, just for something to do. Crazy is when you laugh when nothing's funny. Crazy is when you crack up if someone says "Oatmeal!". Crazy is when you forget what you're saying in the middle of a sentence. Crazy is when you take the time to write down stuff like this and memorize it. Crazy is when you memorized every single line of the Kingdom Hearts series. Crazy is when your so obsessed with Roxas (KH 2) that you bang on the T.V. every now and then to see if he will come out. Crazy is when your are going through this as a checklist. Crazy is when you quote Charlie the Unicorn at random moments. Crazy is when you eat twenty pixie sticks in one day. Crazy is when you're crazy. Crazy is when start talking nonsense every day during gym. Crazy is when you convince your friends your 'high' because you can't stop laughing even when nothing is funny. And then all of you convince the nearest adult that you're having a breakdown. Crazy is when you trip up the stairs, and laugh all the way back down them. Crazy is when you go to look at cats and can't stop. Crazy is when your binder of French vocabulary words gets so big and thick that you title it Harry Potter and the French Vocabulary. Crazy is when you doze off playing your virtual ipod in your head and are snapped out of it when a friend asks you why you're wiggling to what seems like a beat. Crazy is when you stand on the street corner dressed in snazzy costumes and sing the Lollipop song at the top of your lungs while waving at random cars as they drive by. Crazy is when you respond to that little voice in the back of your head. Crazy is when you have a conversation with an inanimate object. Crazy is when you have dreams of ballet shoes taking over the world and possessed sheep attacking you. Crazy is walking into big, yard-thick poles. Crazy is going to the movies in costume or going to school in costume. Crazy is walking through the McDonald's drive thru while pretending to drive a car and asking for a what with cheese and a side of packy tacky sauce. If you're crazy, copy this onto your profile and add something crazy you've done to the list!
If you hate school, copy this into your profile.
Even if you can't see him, God is there! If you believe in God, put this in your profile!
If you want the actors and celebrities of Hollywood to be smarter and better role models, copy and paste this into your profile.
How to Tell if You're a Writer
-If you talk to yourself. A LOT.
-If you talk to yourself about talking to yourself (i.e. ‘I wonder why I talk to myself so much?')
-If, when you talk to yourself, you sometimes speak as if talking to another person (i.e. ‘Okay, so have you ever noticed that the word ‘deliver' could mean removing someone's liver?')
-If, after uttering a profound piece of wisdom like that above, you stare at the cookie in your hand in awe and say, ‘Wow, this is good stuff for sugar highs!'
-If you live off of sugar and caffeine.
-If people start to notice that you tend to check your e-mail every day for a week, then suddenly disappear off the face of the planet.
-If your e-mails tend to be pages long and incredibly random.
-If, when replying to someone else's e-mail, you are sometimes so random that you fail to address the original message altogether.
-If you tend to collect the Bic Stics people leave lying around, kind of like picking pennies off the ground.
-If, no matter where you are in your room, you never have to so much as get up to reach a pen/pencil and paper.
-If the letters are starting to wear off on the keys of your keyboard.
-If people think you might have A.D.D.
-If you think it'd be cool to have A.D.D.
-If you start constantly talking in third person, past tense.
-If you think about making lists like this, and start giggling for no 'apparent' reason.
-If your friends don't even bother to look funny at you anymore when you start giggling for no apparent reason.
-And finally, the number one way to tell if you're a good writer: If you failed English 101
45 Things to do in an Elevator
1. Crack open your briefcase or handbag, peer inside and ask "Got enough air in there?"
2. Stand silent and motionless in the corner facing the wall without getting off.
3. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act as if you're embarrassed when they open themselves.
4. Greet everyone with a warm handshake and ask him or her to call you Admiral.
5. Meow occasionally.
6. Stare at another passenger for a while. Then announce in horror: "You're one of THEM!" - and back away slowly.
7. Say "DING!" at each floor.
8. Say "I wonder what all these do?" and push all the red buttons.
9. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
10. Stare grinning at another passenger for a while, then announce: "I have new socks on."
11. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask: "Is that your beeper?"
12. Try to make personal calls on the emergency phone.
13. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers: "This is my personal space."
14. When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder, then pretend it wasn't you.
15. As you are coming to the end of the journey, get emotional and have a group hug. Tell them that you will never forget them.
16. Ask if you can push the button for other people but push the wrong ones.
17. Hold the doors open and say you're waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say "Hi Greg, How's your day been?"
18. Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream: "That's mine!"
19. Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the lift.
20. Pretend you're a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.
21. Swat at flies that don't exist.
22. Call out "Group hug!" then enforce it.
23. Make car race noises when someone gets on or off.
24. Congratulate all for being in the same lift with you.
25. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, all of you just shut UP!"
26. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
27. While the doors are opening, hurriedly whisper, "Hide it...quick!" then whistle innocently.
28. Let your cell phone ring - don't answer it.
29. Walk into the lift and say "This reminds me of being buried alive. Ah, those were the days..."
30. Take shoes off before entering. Then look shocked and disgusted when the others don't.
31. Ask people which floor they want, say in 'Who wants to be a millionaire' style is that your final answer.
32. Also in your bellboy act, ask what floor they want. Whatever they say, give them a glare and say "you should be ashamed of yourself!", and leave the lift tutting.
33. Ask, "Did you feel that?"
34. Tell people that you can see their aura.
35. When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay. Don't panic, they open up again."
36. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
37. Dress up in a long, black cloak with a hood, stare and in a deep voice announce "It is time..."
38. Say your Majesty when anybody gets on.
39. Introduce yourself as Lord Voldemort.
40. Ask people which floor they want and why, and then announce that you're going to the floor with Olympus on it because you didn't steal any lightening.
41. Hang from the ceiling of the elevator and speak ominously when someone enters "Heloooooooo"
42. Still hanging from the ceiling, drop onto whoever comes in.
43. Try to make up and sing lyrics for the boring elevator music.
44. Try to start a My-Briefcase-is-better-than-yours contest.
45. Hold a ring and say, "My precious"
This is funny :
One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem: my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?"
"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg."
In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.
"Jesus!" Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the hatpin.
"Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Jones.
"God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.
"Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr. Jones had winked off again. However, this time, the minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her husband with the hatpin again.
The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?"
Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that damned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half and shove it up your ass!"
"Amen," replied the congregation.
This is an example of what happens when you accidentally send an email to the wrong person...
A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter.
They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years before.
Because of their hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules.
So, the husband left Minneapolis and flew to Florida on Friday, and his wife was flying down the following day.
The husband checked into the hotel, and unlike years ago, there was a computer in his room, and he decided to send an email to his wife.
However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without noticing his error, sent the email to the wrong address.
Meanwhile... somewhere in Houston... a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a Minister who was called home to glory after suffering a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email, expecting messages from relatives and friends.
After reading the first message, she screamed and then fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and then glanced up and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Date: Friday, October 13, 2004
I know you are surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now, and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I have just arrived and have been checked in.
I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow, and look forward to seeing you then.
Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P.S., ... Sure is hot down here!!
This is some redneck home learnin' for you. Today's lesson is on why we shoot deer. This was an email I got from my mom and thought I'd share with you 'cause I thought it was too funny to pass up!!!! XD
For all my Deer Hunter Friends and Non Hunters also,
Why we shoot Deer
Why we shoot deer in the wild (A letter from someone who wants to remain anonymous, who farms, writes well, and actually tried this).
I had this idea that I could rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it. The first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured that, since they congregate at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear of me when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet away), it should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) then hog tie it and transport it home.
I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope. The cattle, having seen the roping thing before, stayed well back. They were not having any of it. After about 20 minutes, my deer showed up - 3 of them. I picked out a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and threw my rope.
The deer just stood there and stared at me. I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a good hold. The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation. I took a step towards it, it took a step away. I put a little tension on the rope..., and then received an education. The first thing that I learned is that, while a deer may just stand there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action when you start pulling on that rope.
That deer EXPLODED. The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a LOT stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I could fight down with a rope and with some dignity. A deer -- no Chance. That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no controlling it and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me off my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I had originally imagined. The only upside is that they do not have as much stamina as many other animals.
A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up.
It took me a few minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of the big gash in my head. At that point, I had lost my taste for corn-fed venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that rope. I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it would likely die slow and painfully somewhere. At the time, there was no love at all between me and that deer. At that moment, I hated the thing, and I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual. Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had cleverly arrested the deer's momentum by bracing my head against various large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think clearly enough to recognize that there was a small chance that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in. I didn't want the deer to have to suffer a slow death, so I managed to get it lined back up in between my truck and the feeder – a little trap I had set forehand...kind of like a squeeze chute. I got it to back in there and I started moving up so I could get my rope back.
Did you know that deer bite?
They do! I never in a million years would have thought that a deer would bite somebody, so I was very surprised when ... I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist. Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse where they just bite you and slide off to then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its head—almost like a pit bull.
They bite HARD and it hurts.
The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was ineffective.
It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes, but it was likely only several seconds. I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim by now), tricked it. While I kept it busy tearing the tendons out of my right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose.
That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day.
Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on their back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their hooves are surprisingly sharp ... I learned a long time ago that, when an animal - like a horse - strikes at you with their hooves and you can't get away easily, the best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive move towards the animal. This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you can escape.
This was not a horse.
This was a deer, so obviously, such trickery would not work. In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different strategy. I screamed like a woman and tried to turn and run. The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run from a horse that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the head. Deer may not be so different from horses after all, besides being twice as strong and 3 times as evil, because the second I turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me down.
Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does not immediately leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed. What they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are laying there crying like a little girl and covering your head.
I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away. So now I know why when people go deer hunting they bring a rifle with a scope...to sort of even the odds!!
All of these thing are true,
Retarded (retired) grandparents. This was actually reported by a teacher!!!!!! XD
After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holiday away from school.
One child wrote the following:
We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa... They used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Arizona.
Now they live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass.
They ride around on bicycles and wear nametags because they don't know who they are anymore.
They go to a building called a wreck center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now, they do exercises there, but they don't do them very well.
There's a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with hats on.
At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape.
Sometimes, they sneak out and go cruising in their golf carts.
Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And they eat the same thing every night-- early birds. Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll house.The ones who do get out bring food back to the wrecked center for pot luck.
My Grandma says that Grandpa all his life for his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday, too... When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house.
Then I will let the people out so they can visit their grandchildren...
Kids say the funniest things, don't they?
(Copy and Paste if you understand)
The phaonmneal pweor of the hmaun mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde
Your Guy Side!
You love hoodies. Yes
Your Girl Side!
You wear lip gloss/chapstick. Yes
MURPHY'S LESSER-KNOWN LAWS:
1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
2. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
3. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
4. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't. (always awesome parts of movies when characters do epic things with swords before promptly being shot!)
5. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
6. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90 probability you'll get it wrong.
7. If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog.
8. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
9. The things that come to those who wait, will be the things left by those who got there first.
10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will keep worms in the fridge and sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
11. A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
12. The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
13. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
14. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
None of that sissy crap. Are you tired of those 'friendship' poems that always sound good, but never actually come close to reality? Well, here is a series of truths to our friendship.
1. When you are sad, I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard.
2. When you are blue, I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
3. When you smile, I will know you are plotting something that I must be involved in.
4. When you are scared, I will rag on you about it every chance I get.
5. When you are worried, I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining.
6. When you are confused, I will use little words.
7. When you are sick, stay the heck away from me until you are well. I don't want whatever you have.
8. When you fall, I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.
9. When you are told "well, you deserve better" by others, I will be prank calling him saying, "you will die in seven days."
This is my oath. I pledge it until the end. "Why?" you may ask. Because you are my friend. Friendship is like peeing your pants. Everyone can see it, but only you can truly feel its warmth.
My Rules Of Life:
1. if you die, take many people down with you
2. go big or make a big explosion
3. when you go to jail, make sure you resist arrest (cough*murder them*cough)
REASONS TO JOIN THE DARK SIDE (If you wish to join add this list to your profile):
1. We have cookies (last I checked there was hot chocolate and ice cream, too!)
2. Meet the recruitment bunny!
3. You get a cool dark cape that covers your whole body!
4. You get a really cool crazy laugh! Practice with me people: MWA HAHAHAHA- *cough cough*
5. (Reason I joined) You get to walk out of shadows mysteriously and freak out the good guy! (But then again, I was doing this long before I joined! XD)
6. One word: UNDERLINGS! Someone to get things for you when you're too lazy to do them yourself... Now that's the life.
7. Money, money, money: ever notice that we are usually much richer than the good guys?
8. You get to wear a white lab coat (Ooh, la la! Evil scientists!)
9. You can access our stock of cool evil gadgets (AKA, a blender and toaster... my leader doesn't trust my with a photon blaster or anywhere near the death ray. I'm that bad.)
10. You get to wear tall black shiny boots and a black shiny belt (NO SUSPENERS! WE'RE NOT FIREFIGHTERS! OR PEOPLE WHOSE PANTS FALL DOWN!)
11. You get to wear creepy masks. (That way you can scare the good guys even more than walking out of the shadows from behind! XD)
12. Key word: POWER. You get lots of it.
13. All of the black capes have cool inside pockets to hold my secret bunny collection... Did I just say that out loud?
14. We get a vacation! Unlike the Jedi's! ... OR any other good guys! (In your face, good guys! Free vacations! I'll send you a postcard! :D)
15. We can do dangerous things like sky diving or eating chili or sunbathing (Though it is hard to sunbathe when you are wearing black...)
16. We get to order our minions around!
17. When no one is looking, we have funny face contests. (I lost to my little sister who I'm sure joined the dark side during her terrible two stage!)
18. We love to mix stuff in the blenders and dare each other to drink it!
19. Sometimes we hijack the TV studios and make our own commercials.
20. HOT BAD GUYS!!!
21. You get to act stupid any time you want and people are to afraid to laugh at you.
22. Does there have to be a reason? The dark side is fun! *flails arms*
Some examples of why the human race has probably evolved as far as possible. These are actual instruction labels on consumer goods and signs posted all over the place.
On Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)
On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (The shoplifter special!)
On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap. (And that would be how? I didn't realize there was more than one way to use soap...)
On some Swann frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost. (If you say so, man. But it's 'just' a suggestion!)
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box) Do not turn upside down. (Too late! You lose!)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: Product will be hot after heating. (Are you sure? Let's experiment.)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron: Do not iron clothes on body. (But wouldn't that save more time? Whose body? What would happen if we attempted this?)
On Boot's Children's cough medicine: Do not drive car or operate machinery. (We could do a lot to reduce the construction accidents if we just kept those 5 year olds off those fork lifts.)
On Nytol sleep aid: Warning: may cause drowsiness. (One would hope! I would, definitely!)
On a Korean kitchen knife: Warning: keep out of children. (hmm...something must have gotten lost in the translation...Why would someone be putting a knife in someone's body anyway? Unless, of course, they're out of their minds!)
On a string of Christmas lights: For indoor or outdoor use only. (As opposed to use in outer space.)
On a food processor: Not to be used for the other use. (Now I'm curious. What else can I use it on?)
On Sainsbury's peanuts: Warning: contains nuts. (but no peas?)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions: open packet, eat nuts. (somebody got paid big bucks to write this one...probably a monkey.)
On a Swedish chainsaw: Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands. (Raise your hand if you've tried this.)
On a child's Superman costume: Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly. (Oh go ahead! That's right, destroy a universal childhood belief.)
Spotted in a toilet of a London office: TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW.
In a London department store: BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS.
In an office: AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD.
Outside a secondhand shop: WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING—BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
Notice in health food shop window: CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS.
Spotted in a Safari park: ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN CAR.
Seen during a conference: FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN’T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE CENTER ON THE FIRST FLOOR.
Message on a leaflet: IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS.
On a repair shop door: WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR—THE BELL DOESN’T WORK.)
Funny last words:
Hey, what's this button do?
Hey, Mommy, can I pet him?
Umm... That's not a stick in my sleeping bag...
What happens when I do this?
Don't worry. We're completely safe.
Look! A shooting star!
Reporting live from the battlefield...
Does it bite?
What's that smell?
What's that in your hand?
I'd like to see you try!
Last words are for fools.
Pass that bottle over here, will ya?
Be careful not to...
Has the cancer spread yet?
Who's shooting at us?
Can I have some candy, Mr. Stranger?
What's that ticking sound?
Everyone loves me!
Ooh... it's shiny!
Is that a fin in the water?
Why, yes, honey. That dress does make you look fat!
You and what army?
Man: Where have you been all my life?
Woman: Hiding from you.
Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.
Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.
Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.
Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.
Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.
Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?
Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.
Man: If I could rearrange the alphabet I'd put U and I together.
Woman: Really, I'd put F and U together.
Man: Your eyes... they're amazing.
Woman: Seeing your back would be pretty amazing.
Man: I'd like to call you. What's your number?
Woman: It's in the phone book.
Man: But I don't know your name.
Woman: That's in the phone book, too.
Man: I know how to please a woman.
Woman: Then please leave me alone.
Man: I can tell you want me.
Woman: Oh, you're so right, I want you to leave.
Man: My pretty face is leaving in ten minutes. Please, be on it.
Woman: Really, then it will be to smack you.
Man: Wanna go home and play Zookeeper? You be the lion and I'll feed you the meat.
Woman: If it's meat your giving me, it better be you because you're DEAD meat to me.
Man: Did it hurt?
Women: Seeing your face? Yes, yes it did.
-Don't run in the hallways - sliding is much more fun.
-Before you criticize someone walk a mile in their shoes, that way you'll be a mile away and you still have their shoes.
-To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
-"To conquer the Earth with an army of flying monkeys" is not a career choice.
-If you can't convince them, confuse them.
-Beat the 5 o'clock rush, leave at noon!
-I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
-How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
-Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
-If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
-A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
-There's no future in time travel.
-Smith & Wesson -- the original point and click interface.
-Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.
-All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
-Oh, Lord give me patience, and give it to me NOW!
-A good pun is its own reward.
-Laughing stock— cattle with a sense of humor
-Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
-Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling?
-The only reason people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory.
-Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.
-The road to success is always under construction.
-If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the UP button.
-Everyone has photographic memory; some just don't have the film.
-Energizer Bunny arrested; charged with battery.
-Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.
-What you call dog with no legs? Don't matter what you call him, he ain't gonna come.
-Careful, or you'll end up in my novel.
-Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.
-Today, I'm giving out butt-kickings and lollipops and I'm all out of lollipops.
-Stress is when you wake up screaming, and then realize that you haven’t fallen asleep yet
-Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed. beholder a black eye. -unknown
-I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life?
-There cannot be a crisis this week! My schedule is full.
-Would you like a cookie? So would I.
-Sanity? I never had such a useless thing to begin with!
-That that is, is. That that is not, is not. That that is is not that that is not, and that that is not is not that that is.
-If I had any dignity that would have been humiliating.
-I'd tell you to go to hell, but I work there and really don't want to see you everyday
-I've been given sugar. Please use this time to prepare for the end of the world.
-So many boys, such little minds.
-You! With the hair nicer than mine! Off my planet!
-I never said I was normal, you just presumed I was.
-I didn't steal; it I just borrowed it without permission and with no intention of giving it back... ever...
-I've got a shovel and an acre of land. I don't think anybody will miss you.
-I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.
-Don't mind the horns; they're just there to support my halo.
-Vegetarian: Tribal slang for the village idiot who can't hunt.
-I'm not shy, I'm just quietly plotting you imminent doom.
-It's not about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about screaming with the thunder, running with the lightning, and learning to dance in the rain.
-If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.
-Don't piss me off today; I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
-Knowledge is power; power is the root of all evil. Therefore study to be evil.
-I am on a quest to the deepest, darkest corners of my room in search of what some would call "a floor" - a long and difficult task awaits me. Wish me luck, my friends, for I may not return alive.
-Smile. It makes the world wonder what you're up to.
-Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
-Your chances of getting struck by lightning increase if you stand under a tree, shake your fist up at the sky, and yell, 'Storms suck!'
-Your participle is dangling.
-You're not paranoid if they really are out to get you.
-When it comes to thought, some people stop at nothing.
-Why be difficult, when with just a little bit of effort, you can be impossible?
-You can't spell slaughter without laughter.
-The stupider people think you are, the more surprised they are when you kill them.
-There is a fine line between insanity and stupidity. Feel free to cross it!
-There's too much blood in my caffeine system!
-They say I have ADHD, but I just don't understa— oh, look! A kitty!
-Sugar is good for you.
-Take one step closer and I'll run away.
-Tell me your sob story... I need a good laugh.
-That which doesn't kill you... Will probably try again.
-The ability to speak doesn't make you intelligent.
-Smile. It confuses people.
-Sorry, mind closed until further notice.
-Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will leave gashes that will fester for all eternity.
-Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
-Of course I don't look busy; I did it right the first time.
-Of course I'm out of my mind! ... It's dark and scary in there...
-Of course violence isn't the answer. 'Violence' is the question and 'yes' is the answer!
-Ow, my brain hurts.
-Please do not throw anything or anybody into the fish pond.
-Sarcasm is just one more service I offer.
-Self-Destruct in 5. 4. 3. 2. 1. Have a nice day. *Explodes*
-No need to suffer in silence when you can still moan, whimper, and complain.
-Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand.
-Knowledge is power. Power corrupts. Study hard; be evil.
-Last night, as I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky, I thought, "Where the hell is my ceiling?"
-Manga: The Anti-Drug. Because when you're addicted to manga, how could you possibly afford drugs?!
-My life is too much for me to keep up with. I want my sippy cup back.
-I'm only afraid of knives when you're holding them.
-I'm too tired to tell the truth.
-I'm up, I'm dressed, what more do you want?
-Is there a hyphen in obsessive-compulsive?
-It's bad luck to be superstitious.
-It's the quiet ones you have to watch out for.
-If I die, I'm taking you with me! Oh... you're dying? Forget I said anything.
-If the opposite of 'pro' is 'con', what's the opposite of 'progress'?
-If you want breakfast in bed, go sleep in the kitchen.
-If you wish not to be destroyed, you will leave me alone.
-I hate it when I get food in my sand.
-I have a dream, and in it something eats you.
-I have no idea what I'm doing out of bed.
-I like it in my happy place, for they know me there.
-Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and good with ketchup.
-Don't interrupt me when I'm talking to myself.
-For the record, I blame you.
-Gone to my happy place. Back soon. (but I don't wanna come back!)
-Have a nice day, but leave me out of it.
-Here I am. Now what are your other two wishes?
-I am not a violent person, now shut up before I punch you!
-I did NOT escape. They gave me a day pass.
-Idiocy is the essence of the male mind.
-I don't get mad, I get even.
-Come talk to me when you have some money.
-Always forgive your enemies, because nothing annoys them more.
-And to think, you're the end result of millions of years of evolution.
-A nuclear war can ruin your whole day.
-Are you a side effect of my medication?
-Behold! The All-American weapon of mass destruction: choking on a pretzel.
-Boys are like pennies, two-faced and worthless.
-A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the other one. -Baltasar Gracián.
-Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
-When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
-You're never too old to learn something stupid.
-War does not determine who is right— only who is left. (And that's me! I'm lefty! Hurray for the Sinister Hand!)
-A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
-Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.
-A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
-You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
"I'm the stuff of your nightmares... Actually, I'm the stuff your nightmares wake up screaming about." – Blood Captain
-I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame you.
-Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
-Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
-Hazards attract; fairways repel. Keep this in mind.
-Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the world together.
-A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
-Girls are like phones. We love to be held, talked too but if you press the wrong button, you'll be disconnected!
-Everybody wants to go to heaven; but nobody wants to die.
-If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
-I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.
-Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
-I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
-Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
-How many roads must a man walk down before he admits he’s lost?
-Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
-The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do.
-Boys should be like Kleenex, soft, strong and disposable.
-Constantly choosing the lesser of two evils is still choosing evil.
-Worst excuse for not turning in homework: I couldn't find anyone to copy it from.
-Why is it called 'after dark' when it really is 'after light'?
-He who laughs last didn’t get it.
-When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
-Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.
-Car service: If it ain't broke, we'll break it.
-You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is 'never try'. -Homer Simpson
-The person who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.
-I have opinions of my own— strong opinions— but I don't always agree with them.
-Remember: Don't insult the alligator till after you cross the river.
-There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
-Men are like bank accounts. Without a lot of money they don't generate a lot of interest.
-Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?
-Whatever it is, I didn't do it!
-He's so lazy that if there were work in bed, he would rather sleep on the floor.
-Note- The key to a good relationship is the key. Give me back the key.
-You know the speed of light; so what is the speed of dark?
-I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
-Who are you and how did you get in here? Frank: I'm a locksmith. And... I'm a locksmith...
-It is impossible to travel faster than the speed of light, and certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off.
-Gene Police: You!! Out of the pool!
-Ideas don't stay in some minds very long because they don't like solitary confinement.
-It's true that we don't know what we've got until we lose it, but it's also true that we don't know what we've been missing until it arrives.
-You know it's going to be a bad day when you fall out of bed and miss the floor.
-Don't worry about the world ending today! It's already tomorrow in Australia!
-Don't help old ladies across the street. Leave 'em in the middle!
-If I throw a stick, will you go away?
-Failure isn't an option; it's pretty much a certainty.
-We can't all be heroes. Someone has to sit on the curb and clap as they go by.
-Have you ever noticed that the words in therapist are actually The-rapist?
-Everyone has someone in their lives who isn't quite right in the head.
-Speed limit enforced by sniper. Sh*t just got serious. O.o (this was a picture of a sign and the caption for it.)
-Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
-You turn heads. I break necks. I know sometimes I've bothered you, pestered you, and annoyed you. So today I wanted to tell you... suck it up, cupcake!
-Duct tape is like the Force! It has a dark side and a light side, and it holds the world together.
-JUSTIN BEIBER IS NOT GOING TO MARRY YOU.
-It's not real if it's not on Wikipedia.
-THIS SENTENCE HAS FOUND A MAP TO CANDY MOUNTAIN AND WILL NOT RETURN UNTIL HIS KIDNEY IS STOLEN.
-This sentence has been distracted by a shiny object. It may be away for a while...
-Please do not annoy the writer. She may put you in a book and kill you.
-This sentence is trying to lick its elbow. Yes... I know sentences don't have elbows. But this sentence is determined.
-I see dragons, fairies and your soul's colors and I don't give a fudge what you think about me. *sticks out tongue*
-There's a thing called normal, I hope I never catch it.
-2:45 am: I should stop writing stories and go to sleep.
-3 am is the perfect time for writing.
-The dark side LIED about the cookies.
-Confusing the world one person at a time.
-Out of my mind... back in five minutes.
-Those who throw objects at the crocodiles will be asked to retrieve them.
-Every day I think people can't get any dumber, and every day I am proved horribly wrong.
-I was going to take over the world, but I got distracted by something sparkly!
-Then suddenly! Nothing happened. But it happened suddenly!
-NEVER UNDERESTIMATE THE STUPIDITY OF IDIOTS.
-Hug a tree. They have fewer issues than people.
-Be a rebel! Open the wrong side of the popcorn bag.
-If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
-Never go to bed angry. Stay awake and plot your revenge.
-People tell me I'm weird and I say, "You just figured that out?"
-When you wish upon a falling star, your dreams can come true. Unless it's actually a meteor hurtling toward Earth which will destroy all life. Then you're pretty much hosed no matter what you wish for. Unless it's death by meteor.
-There is a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.
-It's retarded, it's ridiculous it's re-dic-u-tard-ed.
-I don't have a short attention span, I just-- ooh, pretty lights!
-You look at the clock at 11:09 and say "I WILL NOT MISS 11:11!" then stare at the clock until 11:10 and look away and when you look back its 11:12... "DAMN IT!" LOL
-You're watching TV and when it goes to commercials you forget what you are watching.
-Anybody notice how this: & looks like a guy is dragging his butt? & & & & & &
-Have you ever noticed how lol looks like someone drowning? But this makes it look like they are drowning and getting chased by a shark-LOL
-Something to think about: If two gooses are geese, then why aren't two moose meese, or when two foots are feet, why aren't two footballs feetballs? Oh, deep, I know.
-I used all my sick days so I called in dead.
-I don't understand white crayons! Why are they here? What do they want from us?
-"Let's eat Grandma!" or "Let's eat, Grandma!" Punctuation saves lives.
-I understand that Scissors can beat Paper, and I get how Rock can beat Scissors, but there's no freaking way Paper can beat Rock. Is Paper supposed to magically wrap around Rock leaving it immobile? Why the heck can't paper do this to scissors? Screw scissors, why can't paper do this to people? Why aren't sheets of college ruled notebook paper constantly suffocating student as they attempt to take notes in class? I'll tell you why, because paper can't beat anybody, a rock would tear that crap up in 2 seconds. When I play rock, paper, scissors, I always choose rock. Then when somebody claims to have beaten me with their paper, I can punch them in the face with my already clenched fist and say, "Oh damn, I'm sorry, I thought paper would protect you."
-In your bed, its 6:00. You close your eyes for 5 minutes and its 7:45. At school, its 1:30 pm. You close your eyes for 5 minutes and its 1:30 pm. what's up with that?
-Be OPTIMISTIC... all the people you hate are eventually going to die!!
-I don't suffer from insanity... I enjoy every minute of it.
-Sometimes I wonder, "Why is that Frisbee getting bigger?" and then it hits me!!
-Boys: can't live with 'em, and it's illegal to shoot 'em.
-What happens if you get scared half to death... twice?
-I have PMS and a gun... now what were you saying?
-A friend will bail you out of jail. A best friend would be in the cell next to you saying, "THAT WAS AWESOME, LET'S DO IT AGAIN!!"
-They say, "Guns don't kill people, people kill people." Well, I think the guns help. If you stood there and yelled '"BANG", I don't think you'd kill too many people.
-It's always the last place you look. Of course it is. Why the heck would I keep looking after I found it?
-When life gives you lemons, make grape juice, then sit back and watch as the world wonders how the f* you did it.
-When life hands you a lemon, squirt life in the eye and run like hell.
-Never knock on Death's door. Ring the doorbell and run away. He hates that.
-Silence is golden, but duct tape is silver.
-Whoever said nothing is impossible never tried slamming a revolving door.
-One day, we will look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject.
-Boys are like trees, they take 50 years to grow up.
-Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us to walk and talk, and the rest of it telling us to sit down and shut up.
-When you get caught looking at him, just remember he was looking back.
-You're laughing now because you're older than me by mere months, but when you're 30 and I'm still 29, who will be laughing then?
-Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them (and I know a few).
-He who laughs last thinks the slowest.
-Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.
-Some people drink from the fountain of knowledge, others just gurgle.
-If we can put one man on the moon, why can't we put them all there?
-If you don't like my driving, stay off the sidewalk.
-There's a light at the end of every tunnel, just pray it's not a train.
-Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
-When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep-- not screaming, like the passengers in his car.
-Just because you're not paranoid, doesn't mean they're not out to get you.
-I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in?
-Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.
-You have a right to your opinions. I just don't want to hear them.
-I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
-OK, so what's the speed of dark?
-It's hard to be humble when you're as great as I am.
-Fight Crime: Shoot Back!
-Normal people worry me.
-"Birdie, birdie, in the sky, why'd you do that in my eye? Looks like sugar, tastes like sap. OMG! IT'S BIRDIE CRAP!"
-The only reason that I talk to myself is because that I'm the only one whose answers I accept.
-"I did my homework! I just forgot to write it down."
-The optimist proclaims we live in the best of all possible worlds; the pessimist fears it is true.
-We live in an age where pizza gets to your house before the police.
-Eat right, exercise, die anyway.
-I'm not a complete idiot. Some parts are missing.
-Stupidity killed the cat. Curiosity was framed.
-They say the truth will set you free. Then why is it every time I tell the truth, I get sent to my room?
-If you can keep your head while other people are losing theirs, you probably don't fully understand the situation.
-Don't steal. The government hates the competition.
-If at first you don't succeed, change the rules.
-Tell the truth and run.
-Life is like a box of chocolates - it's full of nuts.
-Truth is stranger than fiction, because fiction has to make sense.
-Freedom is the right to be wrong, not the right to do wrong.
-If you can't beat them, join them. Then take over.
-Enjoy every minute of life. There's plenty of time to be dead.
-When angry, count to ten. When very angry, swear.
-Education is important. School, however, is another matter.
-A single death is a tragedy. A million deaths is a statistic.
-Maybe this world is another planet's hell.
-The dinosaurs' extinction wasn't an accident. Barney came and they all committed suicide.
-When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" Don't answer him.
-An apple a day keeps the doctor away, if well aimed.
-Is it time for your medication or mine?
-Oh, I'm so sorry! I forgot that you're an idiot!
-A stranger stabs you in the front; a friend stabs you in the back; a boyfriend stabs you in the heart, but best friends grab those knives and stab those bastards back for you.
-To put it nicely, I hope you choke.
-It's you and me versus the world... we attack at dawn.
-You don't have to be faster than the bear, you just have to be faster than the slowest guy running from the bear.
-God created man before woman because every masterpiece needs a rough draft.
-MENtal pain, MENtal anxiety, MENstrual cramps, MENopause... all our problems start with men!
-Even if the voices aren't real, they have some good ideas.
-I'm an angel, honest! The horns are just there to keep the halo straight.
-It's tourist season, so why can't I shoot them?
-Those who stand for nothing fall for anything.
-Write like no one is gonna read your words.
-BE YOURSELF. It's hard to be someone else anyway.
-Even before you say sorry (volunteer or otherwise), think about how you would feel in their shoes. THEN you can properly say sorry.
-Ever remember the quote "If you believe, you can do it!" Gah! Why is it that no matter how I believe I CAN'T FLY!?
-The pen may be mightier, but the sword still hurts like hell.
-There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved by a suitable application of high explosives.
-I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
-"I think, therefore I get a headache."
-"I smile because I have no idea what's going on."
-"I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it."
-"Death is life's way of telling you you're fired."
-God put me on this Earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now, I am so far behind I will -never die.
-You know what? Earth sucks, I'm going home!
-Just when I think you've said the stupidest thing ever, you keep on talking.
-"What is this 'kindness' you speak of?"
-Normal people scare me... but not as much as I scare them!
-"Somehow, in some way that was all your fault."
-Retreating?! Hell no, we're just attacking the other direction!
-Organized people are just too lazy to look for things.
-I was gifted, but the psychiatrist took away my powers.
-"At my lemonade stand I used to give away the first glass for free, and charge five dollars for the refill. It contained the antidote."
-When life gives you lemons, make lemonade, and throw those lemons back in the face of the person who gave them to you until you get the oranges you originally asked for!!
-Do not disturb, I'm disturbed already.
-Despite the rising cost of living, it remains a popular activity.
-Few women admit their age; fewer men act it.
-Hate is just a special kind of love we give to people who suck.
-If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
-You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
-All the good ones are gay, married, or fictional characters in books or movies.
-He who stands on a windowsill to see how far out he can lean without falling is a moron.
-Admitting you are weird means you are normal. Saying that you are normal is odd.
-Drugs are bad news. Spread the word.
-Sticks and stones may scar my skin but words slice through my soul within.
-You can't understand the Bible without the Holy Spirit.
-Let's play truth or dare! Or maybe just dare, because nobody seems to tell the truth anymore.
-Of course I'm talking to myself. Who else can I trust?
-You have the right to remain silent, anything you say will be misquoted and used against you.
-Chaos, panic, pandemonium, my work here is done.
-This toast feels raw. Is it safe to eat raw toast?
-Life sucks, and then you die.
-In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm and three or more is a congress.
-Some see the glass half empty, some see the glass half-full. Me? I just wanna know who's drinking my freaking soda!
-I can do anything I want. I can kill horses. I can make pictures with my mind. I can clog the toilet with leftover turkey.
-Love is a battlefield. Have a weapon ready.
-Go ahead and talk about me behind my back, but I have advice for you. Click your heels together and say: 'I NEED A LIFE!'
-Be nice to me, or I'll shrink your clothes in the wash.
-He said never to come through this door again. Technically, I came in through the window.
-What girls don't seem to know: If a guy acts like he hates you, chances are he likes you. What guys don't seem to know: If a girl acts like she hates you, chances are she hates you.
-He who is tired of Weird Al is tired of life.
-I didn't LOSE my marbles, exactly...I just sold 'em on Ebay.
-I let my mind wander, but it never came back.
-Don't let your mind wander. It's too small to be out on its own.
-Lost in thought. Send a search party.
-Excuse me, have you seen my sanity? I think I lost it.
-Sanity is a state of mind. It's near North Dakota.
-Being normal is for freaks.
-They have sent us to this dungeon, more commonly known as school.
-I just need a toxic substance... L.A. tap water will do just fine.
-My heart? Yeah. It's not a playground.
-I'm not paranoid... WHICH ONE OF MY ENEMIES TOLD YOU THIS?!
-364 days of the year, parents tell their kids not to take candy from strangers, yet on Halloween, it's encouraged! Why is that?
-My mind works like lightning, one brilliant flash and it's gone.
-Life isn't passing me by, it's trying to run me over.
-Paper may beat rock, but cannon ball make big hole in paper.
-The pen may be mightier than the sword, but my keyboard can crush your crummy pen!
-One out of four people is insane. Look at three of your friends. If it's not them, it's you.
-Some minds are like concrete; thoroughly mixed and permanently set.
-Guys don't fall for me. I just trip them.
-I'm not clumsy! The floor just hates me.
-Boys are like lava lamps, fun to watch but not too bright.
-Be insane... because well behaved girls never made history.
-Your weirdness is creeping my imaginary friend out.
-A wise man once said, "Ask a girl."
-To the world, you are just one person, but to one person, you are the world
-One day your prince will come. Mine? Oh, he took a wrong turn, got lost, and is too stubborn to ask for directions.
-Growing old is mandatory... growing up is optional...
-Mothers of teens know why some animals eat their young.
-There's nothing wrong with arguing with yourself. It's when you argue with yourself and LOSE, it's weird.
-vampires vs. werewolves... it's kinda like pirates vs. ninjas, but cooler.
-Heaven doesn't want me and Hell is afraid I'll take over.
-When you're down I may not be able to pick you back up, but I promise I'll be willing to lay down right next to you.
-You laugh because I'm different. I laugh because you're all the same.
-Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. It's just that yours is stupid.
-I blame my attitude on videogames.
-There is stupid coming out of your mouth hole again.
-God made man, and then He said, "I can do better than that," and made women.
-So many boys, so many reasons to stay alone.
-I didn't mean to hurt your feelings... I was aiming for your face.
-Tired of living and scared of dying.
-Scared to remember, terrified to forget.
-Education is important, school however, is another matter.
-Always forgive your enemies - Nothing annoys them more.
-Join the Army, visit exotic places, meet strange people, and then kill them.
-Don't mess with me, I've got a stick.
-I used to be normal, until I met the freaks that I call my friends.
-Boys are like Slinky's, useless, but fun to watch fall down the stairs.
-Boys are like purses: cute, full of crap, and always replaceable.
-Boys are like skateboards, they can go fast but usually there pretty slow.
-If at first you don't succeed, don't try skydiving.
-I called your boyfriend gay and he hit me with his purse.
-You cry, I cry, you laugh, I laugh, you fall off a cliff, I laugh even harder.
-You say I'm not cool. But cool is another word for cold. If I'm not cold, I'm hot. I know I'm hot. Thanks for embracing it.
-Evening News is where they begin with "Good Evening" then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
-I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow's not looking good, either.
-Don't follow in my footsteps, I tend to walk into walls.
-Men are like parking spots, the good ones are taken and the free ones are handicapped.
-There are no stupid questions, just stupid people.
-What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere?
-Chuck Norris provoked the Volturi- AND LIVED!!
-Why is it when we talk to God we are praying, but when God talks to us we are put into the loony bin?
-Life was so simple when boys had cooties.
-Because in all of the human race, there are two kinds of people, and only two. There's the one staying put in their proper place and the one with their foot in the other one's face.
-If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
-Chuck Norris believes in God.
-Tacos are great, because you can eat them and whatever drops is a taco salad.
-I do not have a psychiatrist and I do not want one, for the simple reason that if he listened to me long enough, he might become disturbed.
-You laugh at me now, but you won't be laughing at me when I crawl out from under your bed tonight.
-Whenever I have trouble sleeping, I count the buckles on my straitjacket.
-Penguins!! They steal your sanity one brain cell at a time!!
-When life gives you lemons, freeze them and throw them at stupid people.
-Don't follow me, I'm lost too.
-Definition of homework: Some form of crude mind control still used in some primitive areas.
-WARNING: Do NOT walk in my footsteps... I tend to walk into walls, and off the occasional cliff.
-It doesn't matter whether the glass is half empty or half full, just drink it and get it over with.
-It takes 42 muscles to frown, 28 to smile and only 4 to reach out and slap someone.
-The world is full of crazy people. THEY MADE ME THEIR LEADER.
-So what if we act like immature idiots? We're having fun.
-All things considered, insanity may be the only reasonable alternative.
-Love your enemies! It really pisses them off.
-I did what they say and chose the road less traveled... Now where the heck am I?
-Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.
-No I won't go to hell! It has a restraining order against me.
-I live in my own little world- but it's ok, they know me there.
-Why isn't chocolate considered a vegetable, if chocolate comes from cocoa beans, and all beans are a vegetable?
-If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either.
-Yes, I am a loser, but I'm the coolest loser you'll ever meet.
-Reality continues to ruin my life.
-When I hear somebody sigh "Life is hard" I'm always tempted to ask "Compared to what?"
-I am going to put an end to my procrastination problem. . . Tomorrow
-Never explain. Your friends don't need it, and your enemies won't believe you anyway.
-You can't buy happiness, but you can buy ice cream, which is kind of the same thing.
-I do not obsess, I think intently.
-I'm the kind of person that walks into a door and apologizes.
-Everything here is eatable. I'm eatable, but that my children is called cannibalism and is frowned upon in most societies
-Death is God's way of saying you're fired. Suicide is human’s way of saying you can't fire me, I quit.
-I used to be normal, until I met those freaks I now call my best friends.
-Remember, it takes 42 muscles to frown and only 4 to pull the trigger of a decent sniper rifle.
-Remember what you just said, because tomorrow I am going to have a witty and sarcastic comeback and you'll be devastated then!
-I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going, and hook up with them later.
-To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
-If you can't fix it with duct tape you haven't used enough!
-I didn't lose my mind, I sold it on eBay.
-There is no "I" in team but there is an "I" in PIE and there is an "I" in MEATPIE and MEAT is an anagram of TEAM...
-I had a friend once, but then the rope broke and she got away.
-My knight in shining armor turned out to be a loser in aluminum foil.
-There are three kinds of people- those who count, and those who can't.
-Warning: trespassers will be shot. Survivors will be shot again.
-I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame you.
-I like you. When I rule the world your death will be quick and painless.
-A girl who smiles when things go wrong has found someone to blame for the problem...
-When in doubt, make words up!
-Don't you dare tell me that the sky is the limit while there are footsteps on the moon!
-You laugh because I'm different, I laugh because the voices just told me a joke.
-I'm smiling, that alone should scare you out of your mind.
-I'm in my own world, but don't worry, they like me here.
-The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it's on the list.
-Obsession is healthy, it gets your mind off the voices who are annoying the Frond out of you.
-If a synchronized swimmer drowns, does that mean they all have to?
-I have CDO. It's like OCD but all of the letters are in alphabetical order...like they should be. No but seriously I think something's wrong with me!
-It takes skill to trip over flat surfaces.
-The early bird gets the worm, but it's the second mouse that gets the cheese.
-I dream of a better world where chickens can cross the road without having their motives questioned.
-Do vegetarians eat animal crackers?
-Anyone else having trouble getting to Narnia?
-Ever notice that studying is "student" and "dying" put together?
-Procrastinators; the leaders of tomorrow.
-"Today, we had a tornado warning and I told my parents I loved them, just in case. My dad just said, 'I'll see you in Kansas.'"
-"Today, I watched my dog chase his tail for 10 minutes, thinking 'Wow, dogs are easily entertained.' Then I realized that I'd been watching my dog chase his tail for 10 minutes."
-Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing.
-Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it.
-The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing.
-No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse.
-Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.
-Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts.
-It's not a gimme if you're still 5 feet away.
-The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large tree.
--When you look up, causing an awful shot, you will always look down again at exactly the moment when you ought to start watching the ball if you ever want to see it again.
-Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.
-There are two things you can learn by stopping your back-swing at the top and checking the position of your hands: how many hands you have, and which one is wearing the glove.
-A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.
-If there is a ball on the fringe and a ball in the bunker, your ball is in the bunker. If both balls are in the bunker, yours is in the footprint
-Golf is the perfect thing to do on Sunday because you always end up having to pray a lot
-A good golf partner is one who's always slightly worse than you are...that's why I get so many calls to play with friends
-Golf balls are like eggs. They're white. They're sold by the dozen. And you need to buy fresh ones each week
-If your opponent has trouble remembering whether he shot a six or a seven, he probably shot an eight (or worse)
Did you expect me to be that horrible thing called NORMAL?!
HA! HAHAHA!!! What a laugh, I'm anything but normal, After all, insanity doesn't just run in my family.
It hops, jumps, skips and occasionally pogo-sticks. :D
"As authors, it is our duty to create lovable, enticing characters and do horrible, evil things to them."
Personal Mysteries: I sometimes stay up late wondering about things, strange things. These are examples:
1. You know those commercials on T.V. - the ones that say (for example) 7 out of 10 woman prefer *Insert Product Name Here* out of any other hair-product? What about the other 3? Did the people that made the commercial kick them out when they said they didn't like their product? Did they die from an allergic reaction? Or did their hair turn green and were paid off to say nothing?
2. This is a good one - what do you call a male ladybug? Hahaha!
3. Do you think fire is hotter at the base or the tip? And, do you think (if it could burn in space) it would float or sink?
4. Who invented sushi?
5. Can a cow be lactose-intolerant?
6. Who thought about perming hair first?
A piece of wisdom on superheroes and imagination from yours truly...
Superheroes aren't what they use to be. What happened? At best, you've got a weirdo with a mullet, a Sjambok, and a bad attitude. It's like saving the world is a huge hassle or something. No one wants to take charge anymore. There are vests to stop speeding bullets, elevators for tall buildings, and villains running amuck (insert evil laugh here). That's where your imagination comes in. It can take you wherever you wanna go without so much as leaving your bedroom. It will unleash your inner superhero and give you what you need to take charge of any situation and when you do, remember the biggest perk of all... undies on the outside.
The 6 truths of life...
1. You can't lick all of your teeth with your tongue.
2. You just tried to do the above.
3. The first truth is a lie.
4. You're smiling now because you're realizing you're an idiot.
5. You'll copy this into your profile for some other sucker to read it.
6. There's still a stupid smile on your face. XD
I OWE MY MOTHER
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."
2. My mother taught me RELIGION. "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL. "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
4. My mother taught me LOGIC. " Because I said so, that's why."
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC. "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT. "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
7. My mother taught me IRONY. "Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS. "Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM. "Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA. "You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER. "This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY. "If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE. "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION. "Stop acting like your father!"
15. My mother taught me about ENVY. " There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."
16 My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION. "Just wait until we get home."
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING. "You are going to get it when you get home!"
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE. "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."
19. My mother taught me ESP. "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
20. My mother taught me HUMOR. "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT. "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
22. My mother taught me GENETICS. "You're just like your father."
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS. "Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
24. My mother taught me WISDOM. "When you get to be my age, you'll understand."
25. My mother taught me about JUSTICE. "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you."
6 reasons not to mess with children:
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, she's dead."
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood.
Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."
"Yes," the class said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch.
At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.
The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."
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