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| olivia the rat |
hey i am Olivia the rat and i love soul eater shugo Chara fairy tail fruits basket the wall flower clannad ouran high host club my friends art art club one direction taylor swift avril lavine my art teacher after school swimming reading writing singing you tube animal fruits Halloween vampires water Camping and for the boys i got some one i like and so go stalk someone else or my big brother will be mad at you.he is scary.this is a little kid moment for me :D and i am exactly like maka albarn which she is my 'sister' i love music now i lay me down to sleep i pray to the lord my soul to keep if i should die before i wake i pray to the lord my soul to take a prayer my Nana taught me when i was little my favorite saying by me is " And lots of fruity reviews" on 11/21/11 i found out my oldest sister is having a baby boy MORE UPDATE on 3/29/12 my oldest sister is in labber His name is going to be Daniel Jefferson He was born March 30 TH and looks like my sister ANOTHER UPDATE he is three months old June 30 i like black but i,m a little bit Gothic i am a kid at heart have i been told i act like a little kid, yes i love soma my dislikes i have a good amount my friend Zach says i,m a picky eater i smile a lot i,m girly too only me can be that weird where i,m two things fear is the enemy you can call me Olivia i love rats i use to be kyoko hanna albarn but i,m now Olivia the rat i love books too i,m a guilty book worm :D i love the children of the red king series a few quotes from friends and i shall update them " but i am tinny ,tiny and cute"- Kaytie B 5th grade "it,s a vampire baby"- me and KaytieB. 4th grade " yeah and we will have an ugly sweater contest" - my asome Sunday school teacher 7 Th grade "and lots of fruity reviews" - me 7 Th grade "your free little bird ! fly! * chicken wrap from school" - Shane H 7th grade "i am a demon trapped inside an angel"-me 7TH grade "i'm an angel"me "angel my ass" katia h- 7th grade This is weird, but interesting! If you can raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too. Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can. I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed erveylteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! Paste this to yuor porifle if you can raed this! YOU KNOW YOUR AN AUTHOR IF... you talk to yourself alot. (alot meaning all the time...) you talk to yourself about talking to yourself when you talk to yourself you often talk to yourself like you're talking to someone else after uttering a profound piece of wisdom, you stare at the cookie in your hand with awe and say, "wow,this stuff is awesome for sugar highs..." you live off of sugar and caffeine. (the two greatest things ever discovered!) you'll check your e-mail every day of the week then disapear of the face of the earth. when replying to a e-mail, you'll never actually address the point of it you tend to collect bic stics off the ground like picking pennies off the ground. no matter where you are in a room you never have to get up to find a pen/pencil and paper the letters on your keyboard are wearing off your freinds and family think that you have carpal tunnel syndrome people think you have A.D.D. you think it would be cool to have A.D.D. you constantly start talking in third person,past or present tense you start thinking about making lists like this and start giggiling for no 'apparent' reason your freinds stopped looking at you funny for no apparent reason a loooooong time ago and FINALLY, the one way to tell if you are a good writer: you failed english 101 (copy that into your profile if you fit one or more of the description) Don't Read Below: (If you do then...) This is a true story. A girl died in 1933. A man buried her when she was still alive. The murder chanted, "Toma Sota balcu," as he buried her. Now that you have read this chant, you will meet this little girl. In the middle of the night she will be on your ceiling. She will suffocate you like she was suffocated. If you post this on your profile, she will not bother you. Your kindness will be rewarded My name is Sarah I am but three, My eyes are swollen I cannot see, I must be stupid I must be bad, What else could have made My daddy so mad? I wish I were better I wish I weren't ugly, Then maybe my mommy Would still want to hug me. I can't speak at all I can't do a wrong Or else I'm locked up All the day long, When I awake I'm all alone The house is dark My folks aren't home. When my mommy does come I'll try and be nice, So maybe I'll get just One whipping tonight Don't make a sound! I just heard a car My daddy is back From Charlie's Bar. I hear him curse My name he calls I press myself Against the wall. I try and hide From his evil eyes I'm so afraid now I'm starting to cry. He finds me weeping He shouts ugly words, He says its my fault That he suffers at work. He slaps me and hits me And yells at me more, I finally get free And I run for the door. He's already locked it And I start to bawl, He takes me and throws me Against the hard wall. I fall to the floor With my bones nearly broken, And my daddy continues With more bad words spoken. "I'm sorry!", I scream But its now much too late His face has been twisted Into unimaginable hate. The hurt and the pain Again and again Oh please God, have mercy! Oh please let it end! And he finally stops And heads for the door, While I lay there motionless Sprawled on the floor. My name is Sarah And I am but three, Tonight my daddy, Murdered me. Answer these Questions! Shugo Chara - In the Anime Q: In Shugo Chara who does Amu end up with? A: Q: Are Nagihiko and Nadeshiko REALLY twins? A: Q: What type of character is Rima, Amu and Tadase? (Asking what is their personality REALLY is) A: Q: Does Amu and Tadase ever kiss? And where? A: *A Real Boyfriend* When she stares at your mouth When she pushes you or hits you When she starts cursing at you trying to act all tough When she's quiet When she ignores you When she pulls away When you see her at her worst When you see her start crying When you see her walking When she's scared When she steals your favorite hoodie/hat When she teases you When she doesn't answer for a long time When she looks at you with doubt When she grabs at your hands When she bumps into you When she tells you a secret When she looks at you in your eyes When she says it's over - Stay on the phone with her even if she's not saying anything. - When she's mad hug her tight and don't let her go - Call her at 12:00am on her birthday to tell her you love her - Treat her like she's all that matters to you. - Stay up with her when she's sick. - Watch her favorite movie with her or her favorite show even if you think it's stupid :) - Let her wear your clothes -Kiss her in the pouriing rain - When she runs up to you crying, the first thing you say is; "Whose ass am I kicking ?" Guys post as: "I'D be this Boyfriend Definition of Torture: Putting a blind man in a round room and telling him theres food in the corner. The Ouran Alphabet A is for Academy, which is where the Ouran students attend B is for Boy-Lolita, which is Mitsukuni Haninozuka C is for Cosplay, which the Hosts do every day D is for Debt, which is 8 million yen E is for Emo Corner, which is Tamaki's depression spot F is for Female, which is Haruhi's true gender G is for Guy, which Haruhi has to dress and act like to pay off her debt H is for Hikaru, who is the confused one of the Hitachiin Twins I is for Innocent, which Honey claims to be J is for Jealousy, which Hikaru expresses towards Haruhi and Arai K is for Kaoru, who is the sweetest of the Hitachiin Twins L is for Love, which is the feeling that Hikaru doesn't quite understand M is for Mori, who is the strong and silent type N is for Nekozawa, who will put a curse on you if you don't watch your back O is for Ootori, which is a big name in the medical business P is for Puppet, and its name is Belzeneff Q is for Quiet, which basically describes Mori R is for Roses, which every Host Club member has in their own color S is for Swimsuit, which the Hitachiin brothers would like to see Haruhi wear T is for Tamaki, who considers himself as the "King" of the Host Club U is for Usa-chan, which is the name of Honey's stuffed bunny V is for Vocals, which Renge uses a lot W is for Wonderland, where Haruhi had seen her mother X is for X-Ray Vision, which the Hitachiin Brothers wish they had Y is for Yaoi, which the Ouran show has a lot of thanks to the Hitachiin Twins Z is for the Zuka Club, which Haruhi was almost forced to join If you have never heard or seen the Ouran Alphabet before until now, copy and paste this into your profile FRIENDS/BEST FRIENDS FRIENDS: Will comfort you when he rejects you. BEST FRIENDS: Will go up and ask him, "It's because you're gay, isn't it?" FRIENDS: Will be there for you when he breaks up with you. BEST FRIENDS: Will call him up and whisper, "Seven days..." FRIENDS: Helps you up when you fall. BEST FRIENDS: Keeps on walking saying, "Walk much, dumb ass?" FRIENDS: Helps you find your prince. BEST FRIENDS: Kidnaps him and brings him to you. FRIENDS: Will ask you if you're okay when you're crying. BEST FRIENDS: Will laugh at you and say, "Ha Ha, Loser!" FRIENDS: Will offer you a soda. BEST FRIENDS: Will dump theirs on you. FRIENDS: Will sit at the side of the pool with you at that time of the month. BEST FRIENDS: Will throw you a tampon and push you in. FRIENDS: Will help you move. BEST FRIENDS: Will help you move the bodies. FRIENDS: Will bail you out of jail. BEST FRIENDS: Would be in the room next to you saying, "That was awesome! Let's do it again!" FRIENDS: Never ask for anything to eat or drink. BEST FRIENDS: Helps themselves and are the reason why you have no food. FRIENDS: Call your parents by Mr. and Mrs. and Grandma, by Grandpa. BEST FRIENDS: Call your parents DAD and MOM and Granny, GRAMPS! FRIENDS: Would bail you out of jail. BEST FRIENDS: Would be sitting next to you sayin "DAMN!" we messed up!" FRIENDS: Have never seen you cry. BEST FRIENDS: Wont tell everyone else you cried...just laugh about it with you in private when your not down anymore. FRIENDS: Asks you to write down your number. BEST FRIENDS: Has you on speed dial. FRIENDS: Only know a few things about you. BEST FRIENDS: Could write a very embarrassing biography on your life story... FRIENDS: Will leave you behind if that is what the crowd is doing. BEST FRIENDS: Will kick the whole crowds ass that left you FRIENDS: Would knock on your front door. BEST FRIENDS: Walk right in and say "I'M HOME." FRIENDS: You have to tell them not to tell anyone. BEST FRIENDS: Already know not to tell. FRIENDS: Ask why you're crying BEST FRIENDS: Already has the shovel ready to bury the loser that made you cry. FRIENDS: Will be there to take your drink away from you when they think you've had enough. BEST FRIENDS: Will look at you stumbling all over the place & say "Bitch drink the rest of that ! You know we don't waste!" FRIENDS: comfort you when you fight with your boyfriend BEST FRIENDS: go over to his house and kicks his ass FRIENDS: Bail you outta jail BEST FRIENDS: sit next to you singing the jail song FRIENDS: Will pick out a cute chick-flick to watch with you on movie night BEST FRIENDS: Will pick out "The Ring" for movie night then scare you in the process FRIENDS: Will be embarassed when all goes silent and you start to sing the song that has been stuck in your head for days BEST FRIENDS: Will be singing along with you FRIENDS: Tell you to forget it when you say you want to vandalize a guy's house BEST FRIENDS: best friends are the ones getting fined by the police with you FRIENDS: Think your insane for jumping off a roof onto a trampoline BEST FRIENDS: Are jumping with you FRIENDS: come over every couple of months for a sleepover BEST FRIENDS: are your weekend boarders FRIENDS: are offended when you make fun of them BEST FRIENDS: kick your ass and all's forgiven FRIENDS: are shy around your boyfriend BEST FRIENDS: will tease him till he blushes redder than a fire engine FRIENDS: don't see you if you're sick BEST FRIENDS: Are there when you're sitting in a bed under a blanket with a thermometer, book, and your phone FRIENDS:dare you to scream into the street BEST FRIENDS: dare you to go streaking FRIENDS: call you retarded for running threw bleachers yelling "IT'S PICKLE TIME!" BEST FRIENDS: are screaming and running with you FRIENDS: Meet your boyfriend and say nice to meet you BEST FRIENDS: Meet your boyfriend and scare the Hell out of him by threatening to break every bone in his body if he hurts you FRIENDS: Will tell you they know how you feel BEST FRIENDS: Will sit down and cry with you FRIENDS: Ask nicely for your stuff BEST FRIENDS: Just shout "GIMME" FRIENDS: Wait to call you at a reasonable hour BEST FRIENDS: Will call you at two in the freaking morning FRIENDS: Won't let you do stupid things BEST FRIENDS: won't let you do stupid things 'alone'. «FRIENDS: Will take you to buy a pregnancy test «BEST FRIENDS: Will stand right next to you screaming "NAME IT AFTER ME!" FRIENDS: Will buy you lunch BEST FRIENDS: Will eat yours FRIENDS: will come and ask you to get a drink with her if some strange boy grabs you on the dance floor and you need an 'out'. BEST FRIENDS: Will push herself in between you and the punk, wrap her arms around you, and say. "I'm sorry she's here with me, find your own date." FRIENDS: Will not try anything that will embarass you while near your crush. BEST FRIENDS: Will cackle evily and try to push you 'by accident' into him while standing next to Ninety-five percent of the kids out there are concerned with being popular and fitting in. If you're part of the five percent who aren't, copy this, put it in your profile, and add your name to the list. AnimeKittyCafe, Hyperactivley Bored, Gem W, Bara-Minamino, Tsuyu Mikazuki, WeaselChick, Revenant666, darkflame1516, AirGirl Phantom, Age nt of the Divine One, pointless people of Pluto, ZeratheNightDancer, Acegik13, Ryuu-Chiyo, Akemi-Chiyo, Archangel's Requiem, Opresiminya,Black Demon Cat, darklightningdevil, 13IsTaLkThEaKaTsUkI13, RainLily13, InaLaInu, SilverWolfAshes, soulstealer55, AngelofFluffinesss Olivia the rat A teenage girl about 17 named Diane had gone to visit some friends one evening and time passed quickly as each shared their various experiences of the past year. She ended up staying longer than planned, and had to walk home alone. She wasn't afraid because it was a small town and she lived only a few blocks away. As she walked along under the tall elm trees, Diane asked God to keep her safe from harm and danger. When she reached the alley, which was a short cut to her house, she decided to take it. However, halfway down the alley she noticed a man standing at the end as though he were waiting for her. She became uneasy and began to pray, asking for God's protection. Instantly a comforting feeling of quietness and security wrapped round her, she felt as though someone was walking with her. When she reached the end of the alley, she walked right past the man and arrived home safely. The following day, she read in the newspaper that a young girl had been raped in the same alley just twenty minutes after she had been there. Feeling overwhelmed by this tragedy and the fact that it could have been her, she began to weep. Thanking the Lord for her safety and to help this young woman, she decided to go to the police station. She felt she could recognize the man, so she told them her story. The police asked her if she would be willing to look at a lineup to see if she could identify him. She agreed and immediately pointed out the man she had seen in the alley the night before. When the man was told he had been identified, he immediately broke down and confessed. The officer thanked Diane for her bravery and asked if there was anything they could do for her. She asked if they would ask the man one question. Diane was curious as to why he had not attacked her. When the policeman asked him, he answered, "Because she wasn't alone. She had two tall men walking on either side of her." Amazingly, whether you believe or not, you're never alone. Did you know that 98 of teenagers will not stand up for God, and 93 of the people that read this won't re post it? Re post this if you truly believe in God. PS: God is always there in your heart and loves you no matter what, 96 percent of teens won't stand up for God. Put this on your page if you're one of the 4 percent who will. Did you know... kissing is healthy. bananas are good for period pain. it's good to cry. chicken soup actually makes you feel better. 94 percent of boys would love it if you sent them flowers. lying is actually unhealthy. you really only need to apply mascara to your top lashes. it's actually true, boys DO insult you when they like you. 89 percent of guys want YOU to make the first move. it's impossible to apply mascara with your mouth closed. chocolate will make you feel better. most boys think it's cute when you say the wrong thing. a good friend never judges. a good foundation will hide all hickeys... not that you have any. boys aren't worth your tears. we all love surprises. Now... make a wish. Wish REALLY hard! WISH WISH WISH WISH Your wish has just been received. Copy and Paste this into your profile in the next 15 minutes and... Your wish will be granted. Girl: Do I ever cross your mind? Boy: No Girl: Do you like me? Boy: No Girl: Do you want me? Boy: No Girl: Would you cry if I left? Boy: No Girl: Would you live for me? Boy: No Girl: Would you do anything for me? Boy: No Girl: Choose--me or your life Boy: My life The girl runs away in shock and pain and the boy runs after her and says... The reason you never cross my mind is because you're always on my mind. The reason why I don't like you is because I love you. The reason I don't want you is because I need you. The reason I wouldn't cry if you left is because I would die if you left. The reason I wouldn't live for you is because I would die for you. The reason why I'm not willing to do you anything for you is because I would do everything for you. The reason I chose my life is because you ARE my life. If you find this incredibly cute post it on your profile What my father taught me: 1. My father taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. 2. My father taught me RELIGION. 3. My father taught me about TIME TRAVEL. 4. My father taught me LOGIC. 5. My father taught me MORE LOGIC. 6. My father taught me FORESIGHT. 7. My father taught me IRONY. 8. My father taught me about the science of OSMOSIS. 9. My father taught me about CONTORTIONISM. 10. My father taught me about STAMINA. 11. My father taught me about WEATHER. 12. My father taught me about HYPOCRISY. 13. My father taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE. 14. My father taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION. 15. My father taught me about ENVY. 16. My father taught me about ANTICIPATION. 17. My father taught me about RECEIVING. 18. My father taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE. 19. My father taught me ESP. 20. My father taught me HUMOR. 21. My father taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT. 22. My father taught me GENETICS. 23. My father taught me about my ROOTS. 24. My father taught me WISDOM. 25. My father taught me about JUSTICE. What my father taught me: 1. My father taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. 2. My father taught me RELIGION. 3. My father taught me about TIME TRAVEL. 4. My father taught me LOGIC. 5. My father taught me MORE LOGIC. 6. My father taught me FORESIGHT. 7. My father taught me IRONY. 8. My father taught me about the science of OSMOSIS. 9. My father taught me about CONTORTIONISM. 10. My father taught me about STAMINA. 11. My father taught me about WEATHER. 12. My father taught me about HYPOCRISY. 13. My father taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE. 14. My father taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION. 15. My father taught me about ENVY. 16. My father taught me about ANTICIPATION. 17. My father taught me about RECEIVING. 18. My father taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE. 19. My father taught me ESP. 20. My father taught me HUMOR. 21. My father taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT. 22. My father taught me GENETICS. 23. My father taught me about my ROOTS. 24. My father taught me WISDOM. 25. My father taught me about JUSTICE. IF YOU IGNORE THIS WITHOUT READING IT YOU HAVE NO HEART...BUT IF YOU FIND YOU CANNOT STOP UNTIL YOU REACH THE END THEN YOU MUST HAVE A VERY BIG HEART. Mummy...Johnny brought a gun to school NO MEANS NO! Guy: Can we have sex now? Five Minutes Later… One Hour Later… Two Months Later… The Following Day… That Night… Girls, if this story touched you, put this in your journal as "No Means No!" Jesus had no servents, yet they called him Master... He had no degree, yet they called him Teacher... He had no medicine, yet they called him Healer... He had no army, yet kings feared him... He won no military battles, yet he conquered the world... He committed no crime, yet they crucified him... He was buried in a tomb, yet He still lives today... Be honored to serve such a leader who loves us. If you believe in God and Jesus Christ His son... Then copy and past this on your profile. If you ignore him, in the Bible, Jesus says... "If you deny me before man, I will deny you before my father in Heaven..." A true friend sees the 1st tear, catches the 2nd, and slaps the jerk that causes the 3rd. Call me what you want; I really don't care. But if you insult my friends...see here, buddy, let's take a walk. Let me give you a little hint: call the police you stupid little annoyance, 'cause there's about to be a murder. I pray for wisdom to understand him, love to forgive him, and patience for his moods. Because if I pray for strength, I'll just beat the snot out of him. You're my best friend in the whole world. I would do anything for you. And since I know you would want me to stay safe, I'll trip you if zombies start chasing us. I only seem like a smart person 'cause I'm surrounded by dumb people. Well, aren't we just a ray of sunshine. Trust no man, fear no woman. hatting me won't make yo pretty 10 BEST THINGS ABOUT BEING A GIRL 10. We can wear guy clothes, but if they wear ours they get funny looks 9. At least one girl always survives in horror movies 8. We can put cotton between our toes and paint our nails without feeling the least bit silly 7. Our magazines have horiscopes 6. Girls with guy first names like Taylor sound cool, but it doesn't work the other way around 5. Our friends don't say "hi" by punching us in the arm 4. Yes PMS sucks, but at least we have an excuse to lay around eating chocolate once a month 3. Make-up covers any imperfections we may have 2. If we flirt with a cop, we can get out of a speeding ticket 1. Girl Talk... you know, the way we all just understand each other without having to explain a thing Soul Eater Oath I promise to remember Kid Whenever I see something a-symmtrical And I promise to remember Liz Whenever I am scared out of my wits I promise to remember Patty Whenever I act crazy and/or see a giraffe And I promise to remember Black*Star Whenever I feel like the best I promise to remember Tsubaki Whenever I help out a friend And I promise to remember Maka Whenever I get teased for being a bookworm I promise to to remember Soul Whenever someone acts cool And I promise to remember Lord Death When I see someone not taking anything seriously I promise to remember Spirit When I pass a drinking bar I promise to remember Stein Whenever I am disecting something And I promise to remember Ashura When someone speaks of dominating the world Yes I promise to love Soul Eater! Wherever I may go So that all may see my obsession Because I know what the Soul Eater fans know 20 ways you know you are obsessed with Soul Eater: 1. You have a symmetry fit everytime you see something asymmetrical. 2. You dream of visiting the REAL Death City in Nevada. (Yes there is a real death city.) 3. When someone is being really crazy, you scream "I can't handel this!" and run away. 4. 98% of your fanfictions are about Soul Eater 5. You pretended to be Maka and try to find the Soul, Tsubaki, Kidd, Liz, Patty, and BlackStar in your life. 6. You celebrate Symmetry Day on the 8th of August. 7. You own a Blair Hat. 8. Your favorite number is 8. 9. Everytime you hear the word "fool" you automaticlly think of Excalibur. 10. When you are in science class dissecting something, you laugh like a maniac. (Me: *cough* stein) 11. You check eBay a lot for Soul Eater "collectables". 12. You watch AMV's for Soul Eater all the time on YouTube. 13. When someone asks you your weapon of choice you automaticlly say "scythe." 14. You've given all your friends a character from Soul Eater. 15. You despratlly WANT and NEED the Soul Eater video game. 16. You have the songs Papermoon and Resonace on your iPod. 17. You have memorized those songs mentioned in 16 in English and Japanese. 18. You have a stuffed giraffe named Patty. 19. You have twin pistol nerf guns. 20. When you and your friend are telling someone your names, you call yourselfs Liz and Patty. punching us in the arm 4. Yes PMS sucks, but at least we have an excuse to lay around eating chocolate once a month 3. Make-up covers any imperfections we may have 2. If we flirt with a cop, we can get out of a speeding ticket 1. Girl Talk... you know, the way we all just understand each other without having to explain a thing Copy and Paste: Now... make a wish. Wish REALLY hard!! WISH WISH WISH WISH Your wish has just been recieved. Copy and Paste this into your profile in the next 15 minutes and... Your wish will be granted If Justin Bieber were standing on a building about to jump, 90% of the teenage population would beg them to come down safely. 8% would scream at them to jump. If you are a part of the 2% who would go up there and push them off, copy and paste this into your profile. Anime is Life. Manga is life. Life is good. Parents suck for not buying you more life. If you agree, copy and paste this to your profile. Here are some sayings that I love: “I have a life, I just choose not to use it.” “Kill your enemies. Kill your friends’ enemies. Kill your friends.” “I’m a pyrotechnition. If you see me running, try to keep up.” “You laugh at me because I'm crazy, I laugh at you because there's an invisible leprechaun on your shoulder!” “Last night I was looking up at the stars wondering… WHERE THE HECK IS MY CEILING?” “Sanity? Why would I want something as useless as that?” “Violence is always the answer, and if it’s not solving all of your problems, you simpy aren’t using enough of it.” “Labels are for cans, and in case you haven't noticed, I'm not a can!” “Education is important, school however, is another matter.” “Don't hate yourself in the morning--sleep till noon.” “You laugh now because you're older than me by mere months, but when you're 30 and I'm still 29, who will be laughing then?” “Aren't the 'good things that come to those who wait' just the leftovers from the people that got there first?” “We are not retreating… we are advancing in another direction.” “I’m right ninety-seven percent of the time. Who cares about the other four percent?” “They say ‘Guns don't kill people, people kill people.’ Well I think the guns help. If you stood there and yelled BANG, I don't think you'd kill too many people. Thatdepends on whether you’re in a nursing home or not.” “If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.” “Of course I'm out of my mind! It's dark and scary in there!” “If at first you do succeed, try not to look too astonished.” “Whoever said nothing is impossible, never tried slamming a revolving door…” “If at first you don't succeed, blame it on bad parenting.” “Silence is golden, duct tape is silver.” “Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us how to walk and talk, then the rest of our lives telling us to sit down and shut up.” “Always forgive your enemies--Nothing annoys them more.” “Don’t mess with me; I've got a stick.” “There are three kinds of people in the world; people who can count; and people who can’t.” “Evening News is where they begin with "Good Evening" then proceed to tell you why it isn't.” “I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.” “I was gifted, but the psychiatrist took away my powers.” “You cry, I cry, you laugh, I laugh, you fall off a cliff, I laugh even harder.” “Don’t knock on death’s door. Ring the bell and run. He hates that.” “When life throws you lemons, cut ’em open and squirt the juice in its eye.” When life throws you lemons, throw a brick back.” “When life throws you lemons, make apple juice and let the world wonder how you did it.” “When someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown about it, but it only takes 2 muscles to extend your arm and punch the crap out of them." “I called your boyfriend gay and he hit me with his purse.” “Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.” "Never say 'Things couldn't get any worse.' God takes that as a personal challenge." "The light at the end of the tunnel is the train coming." "Do not use an axe to kill a fly on your friends' head." "I ran into my ex the other day, then I put the car in reverse and ran over her again." “Some people are like Slinkies. They're really good for nothing. But they still really bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs." "Flying is simple. You just throw yourself at the ground and miss." “Taste the rainbow--eat CRAYONS!!!" "The spontaneous rally will begin at 1:45." "Please Note: CHRISTMAS IS CANCELED Apparently you told Santa that you’ve been good this year… he died laughing." "Don't walk in my footsteps. I walk into walls." (this is true for me…) "If you wish on a falling star it might come true...unless it's a meteor hurdling to earth...then no wishes come true...unless your wish was to be killed a meteor hurdling to earth." “Me, Myself, and I are fighting. I got mad at Myself, and Me got mad at I so now Me, Myself and I are sitting it opposite of my brain. Please help me.” “There’s a dark cloud over my head, so I’m praying; ‘Lord, please don’t send lightning.’" “It’s not dead till you poke it with a stick.” “Fire is a good servant, but a terrible master.” “There are too many wishes, and not enough stars.” “Dude. Calm down. It’s gym class.” “Either snow it up for a snow day or don’t snow at all!” “Facebook is like a refrigerator. You check it when you’re bored but nothing ever changes.” Gotta go. I’m not really going anywhere, but neither is this conversation.” “I cry, I feel better. Then I remember why I’m crying and cry harder.” “I do know, I just don’t feel like telling you!” “RIP: Spongebob, who died in the oil spill caused by BP.” “Stop drop and roll doesn’t work in hell.” “Santa Claus is a creeper. He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake, he knows if you’ve been bad or good, he comes down your chimney in the middle of the night with a giant sack of toys--see what I mean?” “I have six locks on my door. Whenever I go out I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they’re always locking three.” “The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.” “It's always darkest before the dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.” “He's turned his life around. He used to be depressed and miserable. Now he's miserable and depressed.” “When somebody tells you nothing is impossible, ask him to dribble a football.” “A great name for a new country song: If I'd Shot You Sooner, I'd Be Out of Jail by Now.” “Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together.” “I learned law so well. The day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back.” “Just because you're not paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you.” “Who says nothing is impossible. I've been doing nothing for years.” “If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?” “The worst thing about loving you was watching you love someone else.” “It takes a couple seconds to say ‘Hello’, but forever to say ‘Goodbye’.” “If you're going through hell, keep going.” “I wanna be just like Barbie; that bitch has everything!” “You can’t spell slaughter without laughter.” “To the world, you are one person. But to one person, you are the world.” “Would you like a side of epic with that fail?” “A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.” I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.” “Worst excuse for not turning in homework: I couldn’t find anyone to copy it from.” “When I was kidnapped my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.” “There are worse things than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?” “What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case I definitely overpaid for my carpet.” “There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.” “Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them, and you have their shoes.” “The human brain starts working the moment you are born and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.” “Knowing is half the battle. The other half is punching someone in the face.” “I think crime pays. The hours are good, you travel a lot.” “I hope life isn’t a joke, because I don’t get it.” “Most people are only alive because it’s illegal to shoot them.” “Some say the glass is half empty; some say the glass is half full. I say, “are you gonna drink that?” “All people have the right to stupidity. Some abuse the privilege.” “Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?” “They say no one is perfect. Well, I’m no one.” “Do not drink and drive--you might spill the drink.” “When life gives you lemons say “screw you” and go find an orange.” “Never argue with an idiot. They’ll drag you down to their level and beat you with experience.” “A word to the wide isn’t necessary--it’s the stupid people that need the advice.” “Alright everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.” “Always end the name of your child with a vowel, that way, when you yell, the name will carry.” “Between two evils, I always pick the one I haven’t tried before.” “Cross country skiing is great if you have a small counrty.” “Never forget Mother’s Day, or as they call it in beverly Hills, Dad’s Third Wife Day.” “Food is an important part of a balanced diet.” “Get your facts straight, then distort them as you please.” “Housework can’t kill you, but why take the chance?” “How many people have telekinetic powers? Raise my hand.” “I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.” “I knew I was an unwanted baby when my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.” “I wear a necklace ‘cause I wanna know when I’m upside down.” “I’m not a real movie star. I’ve still got the same wife I started with twenty-eight years ago.” "I don’t care what you say about pedophiles, at least they drive slow in school zones." "I don’t forgive people because im weak. I forgive people because I’m strong enought to realize that everyone makes mistakes." "By the power vested in me, I now pronouce you deleted and blocked! You may now kiss my ass!" "If Barbie’s not a slut… then why do we have to buy her boyfriends?" "If you don’t want a sarcastic answer, then don’t ask a stupid question." "You think I’m screwed up? You should meet the rest of my family!" "The shit you heard about me might be real… Then again it might be as fake as the bitch who told you." "Money can’t buy you happiness, but somehow crying in a Porche is a lot more comforting than crying on a bicycle." "Forgive your enemy, but remember the fucker’s name." "Help a man when he is in trouble, and he will remember you next time he is in trouble." “Alchohol doesn’t solve any problems, but neither does milk." "Three out of two people have trouble with fractions." "He said… 'Why do you wear a bra? You have nothing to put in it.' She said… 'You wear pants, don’t you?' " "Best friends. We’re the kind of people who laugh at a joke three times. The first time, when it’s told. The second, when someone explains it. The third, five minutes later when we actually get it." "Pain doesn’t hurt when it’s all you’ve ever felt." "We’re not sarcastic - We’re hilarious. We’re not annoying - We’re just cooler than you. We’re not mean - We just don’t like you. And we’re not obsessed - We’re just best friends." "I’ll always be beside you, until the very end, wiping all your tears away, and being your best friend. I’ll smile when you smile and feel all the pain you do, and if you cry a single tear, I promise I’ll cry too." "When people you don’t even know hate on you, you know you’re the shit!" "Friends help you with your crack addiction. Best friends are the ones who sold it to you." "I would just like to let everyone know that I am a girl, and I like ribbons in my hair, and I wanna kiss all the boys." -Griff RvB "Got acne? Just ask your girlfriend what to do. Oh, that’s right! You don’t have a girlfriend!" "We live in an age where pizza gets to your home before the police." "The world is going to hell, and I am driving the bus." "I’d kill for a Nobel Prize!" "Three a.m. phone call. 'Hey are you sleeping…?' '“No. I’m skydiving.' " "Butt jiggle is just my way of waving good-bye." "I didn’t fall. The floor just needed a hug." "If you can’t convince them, confuse them." "If Google didn’t exsist, we’d all be screwed." "I survived Y2K, Bird Flu, Mad Cow Disease, 9/11, and Swine Flu. 2012, bring it on!" "Surprise sex is the best thing to wake up to. Unless you are in prison." "If you had a broken heart, you’d be dead. So shut up." "They keep saying the right person will come along… I think a truck hit mine!" "We’ll be friends until we’re old and senile. Then we’ll be NEW friends!" "The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume knob also turns left." "Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home." "Having children is hereditary. If your parents never had children, odds are you won’t either." "Remember. There’s no I in ‘Team.’ (But there is an M and an E)" "A classic is a book that is much praised, but rarely read." "My mom never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." "We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public." "The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese." "If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining." "If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments." "How is it one careless match to start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?" "Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night." "I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you." "I saw a woman wearing a shirt that said 'Guess' on it… so I said 'Implants?' " "Crowded elevators smell different to midgets." "The main reason Santa’s so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live." "It’s not the fall that kills you; it’s the sudden stop at the end." "My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too." "I don’t trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn’t die." "I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, 'I’m going to mop the floor with you’re face.' I said, 'You’ll be sorry.' He said, 'Oh, yeah? Why?' I said, 'Well, you won’t be able to get into the corners very well.' " "You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named 'Bush', 'Dick', and 'Colon'. Need I say more?" "After Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says WTF!" "What’s the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale? A northern fairytale begins 'Once upon a time…' A southern fairytale begins 'Ya’ll ain’t gonna believe this shit…' " "Haikus are easy. But sometimes they don’t make sense. Refrigerator." "Déjà vu - When you think you’re doing something you’ve done before, it’s because God thought it was so funny, he had to rewind it for his friends." "Life’s a bitch, ‘cause if it was a slut, it’d be easy." "You know, they gotta luggage store in the airport? A place to buy a piece of luggage? How late do you have to be for a flight where you’re like 'Fuck it - just grab a pile of shit. We’ll get a bag at the airport.' " "Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking? Because those men already have boyfriends." "There are three kinds of people: The ones who learn by reading. The ones who learn by observation. And the rest of them who have to touch fire to learn that it’s hot." "What if there were no hypothetical questions?" "Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?" "Only in America… Do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters." "They call it 'PMS' because 'Mad Cow Disease' was already taken." "People can be divided into three groups: Those who make things happen, those who watch things happen, and those who wonder what happened." "What is the most important thing to learn in chemistry? Never lick the spoon." "A friend is someone who will help you move. A BEST friend is someone who will help you move a dead body." "How do you get a sweet, little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet, little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!" "Who lit the fuse on your tampon?" "I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole more as they get older. Then it dawned on me… they were cramming for their finals." "Don’t piss me off! I’m running outta places to hide the bodies!" "I tried to hang myself with a bungee chord. I kept almost dying." "Constipated people don’t give a crap." "Regular naps prevent old age… Especially if you take them while driving." "Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture." "Roses are red, violets are blue. I’m schizophrenic, and so am I." "On tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor." "Why is it in the U.S.: If you take off all your clothes and walk down the street waving a machete and firing a Uzi, terrified citizens will phone the police and report: 'There’s a naked person outside!' ” "A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it." "English people have different ways of saying things. We say 'elevator' they say 'lift.' We say 'president' they say 'stupid psychopathic git.' " "Your kid may be an honors student, but you’re still an idiot." "Adults are always telling me that there are starving children in Africa who would love my food, so I'm gonna walk up to a starving child and tell them that there are obese children in America who would love to be as skinny as them." Here are some sayings that I love: “I have a life, I just choose not to use it.” “Kill your enemies. Kill your friends’ enemies. Kill your friends.” “I’m a pyrotechnition. If you see me running, try to keep up.” “You laugh at me because I'm crazy, I laugh at you because there's an invisible leprechaun on your shoulder!” “Last night I was looking up at the stars wondering… WHERE THE HECK IS MY CEILING?” “Sanity? Why would I want something as useless as that?” “Violence is always the answer, and if it’s not solving all of your problems, you simpy aren’t using enough of it.” “Labels are for cans, and in case you haven't noticed, I'm not a can!” “Education is important, school however, is another matter.” “Don't hate yourself in the morning--sleep till noon.” “You laugh now because you're older than me by mere months, but when you're 30 and I'm still 29, who will be laughing then?” “Aren't the 'good things that come to those who wait' just the leftovers from the people that got there first?” “We are not retreating… we are advancing in another direction.” “I’m right ninety-seven percent of the time. Who cares about the other four percent?” “They say ‘Guns don't kill people, people kill people.’ Well I think the guns help. If you stood there and yelled BANG, I don't think you'd kill too many people. Thatdepends on whether you’re in a nursing home or not.” “If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.” “Of course I'm out of my mind! It's dark and scary in there!” “If at first you do succeed, try not to look too astonished.” “Whoever said nothing is impossible, never tried slamming a revolving door…” “If at first you don't succeed, blame it on bad parenting.” “Silence is golden, duct tape is silver.” “Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us how to walk and talk, then the rest of our lives telling us to sit down and shut up.” “Always forgive your enemies--Nothing annoys them more.” “Don’t mess with me; I've got a stick.” “There are three kinds of people in the world; people who can count; and people who can’t.” “Evening News is where they begin with "Good Evening" then proceed to tell you why it isn't.” “I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.” “I was gifted, but the psychiatrist took away my powers.” “You cry, I cry, you laugh, I laugh, you fall off a cliff, I laugh even harder.” “Don’t knock on death’s door. Ring the bell and run. He hates that.” “When life throws you lemons, cut ’em open and squirt the juice in its eye.” When life throws you lemons, throw a brick back.” “When life throws you lemons, make apple juice and let the world wonder how you did it.” “When someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown about it, but it only takes 2 muscles to extend your arm and punch the crap out of them." “I called your boyfriend gay and he hit me with his purse.” “Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.” "Never say 'Things couldn't get any worse.' God takes that as a personal challenge." "The light at the end of the tunnel is the train coming." "Do not use an axe to kill a fly on your friends' head." "I ran into my ex the other day, then I put the car in reverse and ran over her again." “Some people are like Slinkies. They're really good for nothing. But they still really bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs." "Flying is simple. You just throw yourself at the ground and miss." “Taste the rainbow--eat CRAYONS!!!" "The spontaneous rally will begin at 1:45." "Please Note: CHRISTMAS IS CANCELED Apparently you told Santa that you’ve been good this year… he died laughing." "Don't walk in my footsteps. I walk into walls." (this is true for me…) "If you wish on a falling star it might come true...unless it's a meteor hurdling to earth...then no wishes come true...unless your wish was to be killed a meteor hurdling to earth." “Me, Myself, and I are fighting. I got mad at Myself, and Me got mad at I so now Me, Myself and I are sitting it opposite of my brain. Please help me.” “There’s a dark cloud over my head, so I’m praying; ‘Lord, please don’t send lightning.’" “It’s not dead till you poke it with a stick.” “Fire is a good servant, but a terrible master.” “There are too many wishes, and not enough stars.” “Dude. Calm down. It’s gym class.” “Either snow it up for a snow day or don’t snow at all!” “Facebook is like a refrigerator. You check it when you’re bored but nothing ever changes.” Gotta go. I’m not really going anywhere, but neither is this conversation.” “I cry, I feel better. Then I remember why I’m crying and cry harder.” “I do know, I just don’t feel like telling you!” “RIP: Spongebob, who died in the oil spill caused by BP.” “Stop drop and roll doesn’t work in hell.” “Santa Claus is a creeper. He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake, he knows if you’ve been bad or good, he comes down your chimney in the middle of the night with a giant sack of toys--see what I mean?” “I have six locks on my door. Whenever I go out I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they’re always locking three.” “The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.” “It's always darkest before the dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.” “He's turned his life around. He used to be depressed and miserable. Now he's miserable and depressed.” “When somebody tells you nothing is impossible, ask him to dribble a football.” “A great name for a new country song: If I'd Shot You Sooner, I'd Be Out of Jail by Now.” “Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together.” “I learned law so well. The day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back.” “Just because you're not paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you.” “Who says nothing is impossible. I've been doing nothing for years.” “If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?” “The worst thing about loving you was watching you love someone else.” “It takes a couple seconds to say ‘Hello’, but forever to say ‘Goodbye’.” “If you're going through hell, keep going.” “I wanna be just like Barbie; that bitch has everything!” “You can’t spell slaughter without laughter.” “To the world, you are one person. But to one person, you are the world.” “Would you like a side of epic with that fail?” “A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.” I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.” “Worst excuse for not turning in homework: I couldn’t find anyone to copy it from.” “When I was kidnapped my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.” “There are worse things than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?” “What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case I definitely overpaid for my carpet.” “There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.” “Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them, and you have their shoes.” “The human brain starts working the moment you are born and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.” “Knowing is half the battle. The other half is punching someone in the face.” “I think crime pays. The hours are good, you travel a lot.” “I hope life isn’t a joke, because I don’t get it.” “Most people are only alive because it’s illegal to shoot them.” “Some say the glass is half empty; some say the glass is half full. I say, “are you gonna drink that?” “All people have the right to stupidity. Some abuse the privilege.” “Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?” “They say no one is perfect. Well, I’m no one.” “Do not drink and drive--you might spill the drink.” “When life gives you lemons say “screw you” and go find an orange.” “Never argue with an idiot. They’ll drag you down to their level and beat you with experience.” “A word to the wide isn’t necessary--it’s the stupid people that need the advice.” “Alright everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.” “Always end the name of your child with a vowel, that way, when you yell, the name will carry.” “Between two evils, I always pick the one I haven’t tried before.” “Cross country skiing is great if you have a small counrty.” “Never forget Mother’s Day, or as they call it in beverly Hills, Dad’s Third Wife Day.” “Food is an important part of a balanced diet.” “Get your facts straight, then distort them as you please.” “Housework can’t kill you, but why take the chance?” “How many people have telekinetic powers? Raise my hand.” “I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.” “I knew I was an unwanted baby when my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.” “I wear a necklace ‘cause I wanna know when I’m upside down.” “I’m not a real movie star. I’ve still got the same wife I started with twenty-eight years ago.” "I don’t care what you say about pedophiles, at least they drive slow in school zones." "I don’t forgive people because im weak. I forgive people because I’m strong enought to realize that everyone makes mistakes." "By the power vested in me, I now pronouce you deleted and blocked! You may now kiss my ass!" "If Barbie’s not a slut… then why do we have to buy her boyfriends?" "If you don’t want a sarcastic answer, then don’t ask a stupid question." "You think I’m screwed up? You should meet the rest of my family!" "The shit you heard about me might be real… Then again it might be as fake as the bitch who told you." "Money can’t buy you happiness, but somehow crying in a Porche is a lot more comforting than crying on a bicycle." "Forgive your enemy, but remember the fucker’s name." "Help a man when he is in trouble, and he will remember you next time he is in trouble." “Alchohol doesn’t solve any problems, but neither does milk." "Three out of two people have trouble with fractions." "He said… 'Why do you wear a bra? You have nothing to put in it.' She said… 'You wear pants, don’t you?' " "Best friends. We’re the kind of people who laugh at a joke three times. The first time, when it’s told. The second, when someone explains it. The third, five minutes later when we actually get it." "Pain doesn’t hurt when it’s all you’ve ever felt." "We’re not sarcastic - We’re hilarious. We’re not annoying - We’re just cooler than you. We’re not mean - We just don’t like you. And we’re not obsessed - We’re just best friends." "I’ll always be beside you, until the very end, wiping all your tears away, and being your best friend. I’ll smile when you smile and feel all the pain you do, and if you cry a single tear, I promise I’ll cry too." "When people you don’t even know hate on you, you know you’re the shit!" "Friends help you with your crack addiction. Best friends are the ones who sold it to you." "I would just like to let everyone know that I am a girl, and I like ribbons in my hair, and I wanna kiss all the boys." -Griff RvB "Got acne? Just ask your girlfriend what to do. Oh, that’s right! You don’t have a girlfriend!" "We live in an age where pizza gets to your home before the police." "The world is going to hell, and I am driving the bus." "I’d kill for a Nobel Prize!" "Three a.m. phone call. 'Hey are you sleeping…?' '“No. I’m skydiving.' " "Butt jiggle is just my way of waving good-bye." "I didn’t fall. The floor just needed a hug." "If you can’t convince them, confuse them." "If Google didn’t exsist, we’d all be screwed." "I survived Y2K, Bird Flu, Mad Cow Disease, 9/11, and Swine Flu. 2012, bring it on!" "Surprise sex is the best thing to wake up to. Unless you are in prison." "If you had a broken heart, you’d be dead. So shut up." "They keep saying the right person will come along… I think a truck hit mine!" "We’ll be friends until we’re old and senile. Then we’ll be NEW friends!" "The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume knob also turns left." "Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home." "Having children is hereditary. If your parents never had children, odds are you won’t either." "Remember. There’s no I in ‘Team.’ (But there is an M and an E)" "A classic is a book that is much praised, but rarely read." "My mom never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." "We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public." "The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese." "If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining." "If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments." "How is it one careless match to start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?" "Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night." "I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you." "I saw a woman wearing a shirt that said 'Guess' on it… so I said 'Implants?' " "Crowded elevators smell different to midgets." "The main reason Santa’s so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live." "It’s not the fall that kills you; it’s the sudden stop at the end." "My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too." "I don’t trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn’t die." "I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, 'I’m going to mop the floor with you’re face.' I said, 'You’ll be sorry.' He said, 'Oh, yeah? Why?' I said, 'Well, you won’t be able to get into the corners very well.' " "You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named 'Bush', 'Dick', and 'Colon'. Need I say more?" "After Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says WTF!" "What’s the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale? A northern fairytale begins 'Once upon a time…' A southern fairytale begins 'Ya’ll ain’t gonna believe this shit…' " "Haikus are easy. But sometimes they don’t make sense. Refrigerator." "Déjà vu - When you think you’re doing something you’ve done before, it’s because God thought it was so funny, he had to rewind it for his friends." "Life’s a bitch, ‘cause if it was a slut, it’d be easy." "You know, they gotta luggage store in the airport? A place to buy a piece of luggage? How late do you have to be for a flight where you’re like 'Fuck it - just grab a pile of shit. We’ll get a bag at the airport.' " "Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking? Because those men already have boyfriends." "There are three kinds of people: The ones who learn by reading. The ones who learn by observation. And the rest of them who have to touch fire to learn that it’s hot." "What if there were no hypothetical questions?" "Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?" "Only in America… Do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters." "They call it 'PMS' because 'Mad Cow Disease' was already taken." "People can be divided into three groups: Those who make things happen, those who watch things happen, and those who wonder what happened." "What is the most important thing to learn in chemistry? Never lick the spoon." "A friend is someone who will help you move. A BEST friend is someone who will help you move a dead body." "How do you get a sweet, little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet, little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!" "Who lit the fuse on your tampon?" "I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole more as they get older. Then it dawned on me… they were cramming for their finals." "Don’t piss me off! I’m running outta places to hide the bodies!" "I tried to hang myself with a bungee chord. I kept almost dying." "Constipated people don’t give a crap." "Regular naps prevent old age… Especially if you take them while driving." "Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture." "Roses are red, violets are blue. I’m schizophrenic, and so am I." "On tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor." "Why is it in the U.S.: If you take off all your clothes and walk down the street waving a machete and firing a Uzi, terrified citizens will phone the police and report: 'There’s a naked person outside!' ” "A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it." "English people have different ways of saying things. We say 'elevator' they say 'lift.' We say 'president' they say 'stupid psychopathic git.' " "Your kid may be an honors student, but you’re still an idiot." "Adults are always telling me that there are starving children in Africa who would love my food, so I'm gonna walk up to a starving child and tell them that there are obese children in America who would love to be as skinny as them." Female Comebacks! Pick up line comebacks, add to it Man: Where have you been all my life? Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before? Man: Is this seat empty? Man: Your place or mine? Man: So, what do you do for a living? Man: Hey baby, what's your sign? Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning? Man: Your body is like a temple. Man: I would go to the end of the world for you. Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy. Man: If I could rearrange the alphabet I'd put u and i together Man: Your eyes they're amazing. Man: Do you have a map? Because I am lost in your eyes. Stupidity killed the cat. Curiosity was framed. Writing isn't a career, it's more of a mental illness. (Oh how true!) I'm an angel, honest! The horns are just there to keep the halo straight.(me) Heaven doesn't want me and Hell is afraid I'll take over.(my bff) It's you and me versus the world...we attack at dawn. Real friends don't let you do stupid things--alone. The butterflies are plotting SOMETHING... :D peace love smile and day dream | |||||||
USA