Hello! Welcome to my profile! Unbeknownst to you, an army of zombies has begun slowly approaching your house due to your viewing my account. While you wait for the undead hordes to consume your brain, why not read a little? Don't forget; reading is the most fun you can possibly have with your pants on.

"Lowering your standards is the superhighway to self-satisfaction."

Come for my .22 and you'll meet my SKS.

Why I Haven't Been Updating

It's time I gave you all an explanation. I haven't been updating because of goddamn school. My parents want me to get A's and B's only. The problem is, I'm apparently incapable of doing so; I study for hours on end for days to prepare for tests, regularly meet with tutors, and turn in all my work. Still, I get C's, which, in my household, are not acceptable. Therefore, I've been limited to how much time I have to write; between Robotics, school, and studying, I have no time left, even on weekends. Maybe this will change after a while, but odds are, they won't. Feel free to un-favorite if you want; I won't blame you. Hell, I'd do it; I mean, I didn't give you guys an explanation for months, even though you all deserved one.

Sorry for being such an insufferable dickhead.

-Remains

UPDATE: I've been given a reprieve by my parents, so I'm no longer limited as heavily as I was. As such, work on updates will begin ASAP.

It's good to be back.

I'm Remains, A.K.A., "That One Blonde Kid in the Iron Maiden Shirt". I'm a sixteen year old guy from southern California. It is my duty to make a fool of myself for your amusement. As such, I will do my absolute best to deliver Lol's of varying quality to you, the reader, without whom there would be no Remains. Therefore, all of my works are dedicated to all whose eyes have graced my pathetic ramblings with their...erm, grace. Take this as an introduction, a thanks, whatever-my point is that I'm going to make you laugh, for both of us.

Stay read-y, my friends.

Random Facts About Me, because this is apparently mandatory

1. I'm highly arachnophobic. Even pictures of spiders are too much for me.

2. I like popcorn more than I like Pokémon.

3. I cannot survive in any classes higher than normal ones.

4. I find CoD these days to be repulsive and refuse to touch anything other than WaW or CoD4 with a stick shorter than twenty feet...

5. ...But I love Battlefield.

6. I hate people who hate classic rock, but enjoy rap. Music is dead to me after 2005, except by a few heavy metal bands.

7. No hablo espanol bueno.

8. I'm computer illiterate, to the point where I can't even reset the internet without help.

9. School can suck my nuts.

10. I hate most sports, except for tennis.

11. My handwriting is so bad, even I can't read it most of the time.

12. I wear glasses.

13. I have scoliosis, to the point where I will need surgery in the future.

14. I'm a very picky eater.

15. I don't have two left feet when it comes to dancing. However, I do have two and a half.

16. I hate Iran's government for threatening to nuke everyone. If I could do anything, it would be kicking their shitty leader square in the balls and claiming Iran in the name of bacon, a name that all people can appreciate.

17. I think that PETA are eco terrorists and must be destroyed.

18. I think that People who Sp34k l1k3 th1s are insulting to everyone with a single rational thought in their heads, and should be destroyed.

19. My screen name is not based off of the band All That Remains, despite what you may believe.

20. My shiny umbreon may make a cameo appearance in my reviews from time to time, usually to insult me or hurt me in some way.

21. My Wi-fi sucks nuts, so I can't battle or trade over GTS with my DS. I can, however, use Xbox LIVE...

22. ...But I refuse to give out my gamertag, because I prefer playing with people who know me outside of FFN. Oh, and it has my real name in it.

23. I think that Chemistry is easily the stupidest science ever invented, hands down.

24. I have no idea what I want to do when I graduate, and hate myself for it.

25. I have been told I'm "funny", but I don't believe it.

26. I think Terrorists are cowards and frequently contradict their own beliefs. Dumbasses.

27. I think People who accuse me of racism/homophobia/sexism need to calm down and grow a sense of sarcasm. Oh, and should remember that I spend half my time making fun of my own religion and country, as well as myself.

28. Half the people I see on a daily basis I want to punch in the mouth.

29. I hate printers. Don't ask why.

30. I think people who like pokémon based solely on looks and not movepools or stats should be battled, if only to prove to them how stupid this is.

31. I'm quiet and antisocial by choice.

32. I love guns, just like every other guy in my family. My grandpa owned hundreds before he died, my uncles all own at least two, and I myself actually own two (a 9-mm pistol and a .22 Sport)

33. Guns are, in my book, better than any bladed weapon. Seriously, I love guns. Give me a Garand, B.A.R., LWRC PSD, or anything that shoots a bullet over a katana (*cough* shittyreplicaofbadassancientweapon *cough*) any day, hour, minute, second, or millisecond, because guns kick major ass and bladed weapons suck major ass.

34. To quote Bioshock (or, more specifically, Sanders Cohen): "My muse is a fickle bitch with a very short attention span!", so I may go awhile without updating while I think some things over.

35. I don't believe in love.

36. I'm quite active on the Sunbean forum. It can be found at number 9 in the Pokemon forums, next to the picture of the fox in the tree. Drop on by, anytime! Everyone there's super, super nice, and they all love meeting new people! Just drop by, post something, and wait for the response!

37. I believe in equality. Therefore, if one thing is okay to make fun of, so is everything. If I make fun of a certain gender, race, or ethnicity, expect me to strike at another one soon after (most likely my own).

38. I hate feminists, because their ideology revolves around promoting equality while at the same time proclaiming superiority. Sorry, I call that being a hypocrite, and anyone who puts themselves on a pedestal like that isn't getting any respect from me.

39. I will say this right now, because it needs to be said; everyone should know the names Dimebag Darrell, Tony Iommi, Paul Gilbert, Steve Vai, John Petrucci, Joe Satriani, Jimi Hendrix, Jimmy Page, Yngwie Malmsteen, Jimmy Page, Chuck Schuldiner, and Randy Rhodes. If you don't know them FUCKING LEARN THEM, because these guys are guitar gods.

40. I own four guitars, currently; a Fender Squier, an Ibanez 350xf, a Schecter Hellraiser V-1, and a Gibson SG-1 Tony Iommi.

41. I hate PETA with a passion, not because they are vegans or care about animals, but because they kill almost all of the animals they "save", and force their viewpoints on others while ignoring logical arguments (especially if they are from the opposite side). If you are a part of PETA, do the world a favor and grind yourself into puppy chow; at least then, you'll actually be helping animals.

42. I have discovered that the best way to wake up in the morning is to administer a dose of thrash metal immediately upon awakening. For maximum effectiveness, I recommend The Big 4, Sodom, Testament, Toxic Holocaust, Pantera, or Municipal Waste. This can, of course be supplemented by an immediate dose of Black Sabbath, Death, Children of Bodom, Mayhem, or Obituary. The choice is yours; just make sure it's loud, fast, heavy, and a good song.

Personal Shit

Name: You don't need to know my real name. I would prefer you call me either Remains, FATR, or (if you don't like the idea of calling me by my screen name) Sherlock.

Age: 17, as of the eighteenth of April

Sex: Yes! ...Just kidding; I'm male

Sexual oreientation: Asexual (Basically, that means I have a lack of sexual attraction towards both genders, and a generally apathetic attitude towards sex and romantic relationships in general)

Height: 5'10"

Weight: 145 pounds, not an ounce of which is fat

Eye Color: Blue

Hair Color: blonde

Likes: Guns, video games, books, writing, paintball (not as good as airsoft, which is why it's not really one of my hobbies), sarcasm, wearing my Venom shirt with the satanic quote on it and telling people that I'm actually Catholic

Dislikes: PETA, political parties, PETA, 99% of modern music, PETA, every CoD past WaW, the 'new' history channel (You know, the one that's all about the aliens), The Desert Eagle, anime (it's all the same, and I hate it. Yes, it is too all the same, and you know it), swords (overused! Again, I say, OVERUSED! Most of the time, by the way, Sword=SUE!), writer's block (fuck you SO HARD), PETA, people who can't take a joke, people who don't understand sarcasm, grammar Schutzstaffel (grammar Nazis that are worse than normal grammar Nazis. Seriously, calm your balls), people who try to force their beliefs on others (I immediately hate you if you do this), running out of ammo and getting sniped because of it, my M4 fucking up mid-game, people who never shut up, ghillie suits, sports (don't ask...), my sister, the fact that itunes doesn't have classic Black Sabbath (WHY DON'T YOU HAVE MASTER OF REALITY AND PARANOID UP THERE?!), people who deny the existance of the Holocaust/other tragic events (it happened, stop pretending like it didn't!), Geometry (the most useless of all math, by far), feminists (I find you annoying), the "R-word" PSA (If I want to say retard, I'll fucking say it), manga, shitty internet memes, Twilight (Yes, I have read it. The main character is a major Mary Sue, and the plot sucks ass. Oh, and it turned vampires from badass to fucking retarded), campers in FPS games (get out of the corner and put away your fucking automatic shotgun), World of Warcraft, people who act like dicks, people who purposely fail school and still expect to get into college (are you fucked in the head?), people who equate heavy metal to devil worshipping (again, are you fucking retarded?), the annoying sound my computer enjoys making that sounds like a monkey with its balls caught in a sewing machine, printers, the Pokémon cartoon (Jesus Christ, just cancel it!), gun control (IT DOESN'T LOWER CRIME RATES, YOU FUCKTARDED CONTROL-FREAKS)

Indifferent About: Lemons (I usually just skip them, especially the fucked-up ones, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't thinking of writing one), furries (I'm not one myself, but I don't care if you are or aren't; I'll treat you just like anyone else), Farla (she's here to help, obviously, but I'd be lying if I said I liked her. Appreciate the help she gives you and read her guide, but otherwise ignore her and her rabid followers)

Hobbies: Reading, writing, working out, airsoft (I practice on a target every day), playing guitar (still learning), gaming

About Me: I'm pretty unbiased when it comes to criticism; I treat everyone the same, no matter who they are. I tend to be pretty laid-back, and don't really care if someone dislikes me. I don't like to hurt people in any way; I can't do it even if I'm asked to. The only time I ever "hurt" people on purpose is when I airsoft, and that's just because it's part of the game. I don't get mad easily, and tend to keep it to myself when I do. I'm often very nervous around new people, so don't be surprised if I end up thinking I somehow insult you and send you an apology. I'm very shy, so don't be surprised if I distance myself from you. It's not because I don't like you, it's just that I have a difficult time talking with people I've only just met. I don't see a problem with swearing in general; if you want to swear, do it. The same goes with lemons; I will probably never write one and tend to stay away from the one-shots, but I'm not going to ignore a fic that has one lemon chapter out of, say, twenty other chapters. Seriously, not a whole lot can be done to bother me. I also believe in equality; that is, if one thing is okay to make fun of, then so is everything else. I don't really have morals, if you haven't already guessed. Do I have a problem with that? Not really. Oh yeah, if you plan on flaming me/trying to force your opinions on me, know that I give absolutely zero fucks about what you have to say, and will probably just end up laughing at your douchiness.

Favorite Bands: Metallica, Disturbed, Avenged Sevenfold, AC/DC, Aerosmith, Van Halen, Black Sabbath, Nirvana, Slayer, The Beatles, The Rolling Stones, Creedence Clearwater Revival, System Of A Down, Guns N' Roses, Pink Floyd, Judas Priest, Faith No More, Led Zeppelin, Def Leppard, Iron Maiden, Megadeth, Anthrax, Five Finger Death Punch, Tool, Bullet For My Valentine, Rush, Alice In Chains, Korn (note: anything with Skrillex in it, I hate. Fuck dubstep), Venom, Deep Purple, Soundgarden, Pantera, Jimi Hendrix, Godsmack, Rise Against, ZZ Top, Red Hot Chili Peppers, The Who, Chuck Berry, Eric Clapton, Eagles, Queen, Talking Heads, Sex Pistols, The Police, Lynyrd Skynyrd, Elvis Presley, Roy Orbison, B. B. King, Bob Dylan, Grateful Dead, Journey, Elton John, Neil Young, Fleetwood Mac, Sublime, Ramones, U2, Elvis Costello, Shinedown, Radiohead, Boston, Motorhead, Rob Zombie, The Ink Spots, Joan Jett, The Misfits, Phish, Manowar, Santana, The Killers, Damageplan, Black Label Society, Diamond Head, Thin Lizzy, Mayhem, Stormtroopers of Death (S.O.D.), Testament, Exodus, Candlemass, Accept, Ozzy Osbourne, Dio, Rainbow, Death, Children of Bodom, Napalm Death, Mercyful Fate, King Diamond, Obituary, Morbid Angel, Cradle of Filth, Sodom, Coroner, Savatage, Type O Negative, Sepultura, Municipal Waste, Toxic Holocaust, Bathory, Evile, Sunn O))), Autopsy, Carnifex, Pestilence, Entombed, Skinless, Jungle Rot, Solution .45, Moonspell, Final Breath, Necrophagist, The Faceless, Burzum, The Offspring, Immortal, Steve Vai, Yngwie Malmsteen, Sacred Mother Tongue (and Andy James's solo work for Licklibrary), Kreator, Cannibal Corpse, Marilyn Manson, Deicide, Gorod, Amoral, Scar Symmetry, Christian Alvestam, Fleshgod Apocalypse, Revocation, Decapitated, Cerebral Bore, Viraemia, Obscura, Dying Fetus, Atheist, Nile, Acid Bath, Decrepit Birth, Brain Drill, Vektor

I guess this would be a good place to discuss my favorite genres, as well. My absolute favorite, can't-live-without-it genre is Technical Death Metal. It's a lot of fun to play, because the artists behind it often use varying time signatures within the same song, as well as many of the most complicated techniques available for use. The guitarists, for example, use traditional styles of playing, but speed it up and add in techniques such as sweep picking, arpeggiated chords, tapping, and legato. It took some getting used to, but now? I simply can't get enough.

Technical death metal bands included in my list are: Death, Necrophagist, The Faceless, Gorod, Amoral (before Ari Koivunen joined as vocalist), Fleshgod Apocalypse, Revocation, Decapitated, Cerebral Bore, Viraemia, Obsura, Dying Fetus, Atheist, Decrepit Birth, Brain Drill, and Nile.

Favorite Movies: Felidae, Die Hard (series), First Blood (series), Saving Private Ryan, Who Dares Wins, Black Hawk Down, Three Kings, A Bridge Too Far, Wedding Crashers, Forrest Gump, The Shawshank Redemption, Sherlock Holmes (series), How To Train Your Dragon, Inception, Tora Tora Tora, U.S. Marshalls, The Simpsons Movie, The Other Guys, Shawn of the Dead, Zombieland, Terminator (series), Airplane, Caddyshack, Apocalypse Now, Due Date, Just Go With It, Spinal Tap, Rear Window, Citizen Kane, anything with Charlie Chaplin (he's funny), Commando, Star Wars, The Secret of NIMH, Rocky (series), South Park: Bigger, Longer and Uncut, Billy and Mandy Save Christmas (Don't you look at me like that, it's still funny!), Young Frankenstein, Monty Python (series), Psycho, Rear Window, Letters From Iwo Jima, Hotel Rwanda, Full Metal Jacket, Ike: Countdown to D-Day, Schindler's List, Avenged Sevenfold-All Excess, Monsters V.S. Aliens, Falling Down, Red Dragon, The Gods Must Be Crazy!, Hamburger Hill, Metallica: Some Kind of Monster

Favorite Shows: Aqua Teen Hunger Force, Aqua Unit Patrol Squad, Robot Chicken, Criminal Minds, South Park, The Simpsons, C.S.I. (all), Weaponology, Ultimate Weapons, Combat Zone, WW2 in Color, Shootout, The F.B.I. Files, Band of Brothers, The Pacific, Family Guy, American Dad, N.C.I.S., Tosh.0, Ed, Edd n' Eddy (one of the few cartoons I can actually tolerate), The Grim Adventures of Billy and Mandy (same as before), Tom and Jerry (same as before), The New Detectives: Case Studies in Forensic Science, A Haunting, Archer, The Boondocks, Metalocalypse, Children's Hospital, Superjail, Loiter Squad, China Illinois, The True Story Behind Killing Pablo, Space Ghost: Coast to Coat, Hitler's Bodyguard, The Fatal Attraction of Adolf Hitler, Rise of the Third Reich, Manswers, Operation Valkyrie, History's Mysteries, Behind the Music, Deadliest Warrior, That '70's Show, Code Monkeys, Xavier: Renegade Angel, 12 Oz Mouse, Courage the Cowardly Dog (can you believe I left this out for this long?), Penn & Teller: Bullshit!

Favorite Books: The Fire Within (series), Felidae (series), The Secret of NIMH, You Might Be A Zombie (and Other Bad News), James Bond (series), For Whom The Bell Tolls, The Sun Also Rises, Of Mice and Men, To Kill a Mockingbird, The Zombie Survival Guide, Lord of the Flies, Band of Brothers, The Pacific, Sherlock Holmes (series), Dragon Rider, The Art of War, Warriors (series), The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy (series), The Maze Runner (series), The Bourne Series, Eisenhower: Soldier and President, Chasing Lincoln's Killer, SRSLY WTF (that's actually what it's called), Sh*t My Dad Says, The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, John Dies At the End, The Hobbit, The Shadow Over Innsmouth, The Call of Cthulu, The Shining, Misery, Soulless, Under The Dome, It, The Illustrated Man, Rainbow Six, Splinter Cell, The Hunt For Red October, Fahrenheit 451, This Book Is Full of Spiders. Seriously Dude, Don't Go Near It., War And Peace, Anna Karenina, A Farewell to Arms, I Have No Mouth Yet I Must Scream, Sound of the Beast: The Complete Headbanging History of Heavy Metal, I Am Ozzy, So What!: The Good, the Mad, and the Ugly

Favorite Authors: Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, Ernest Hemingway, John Steinbeck, Akif Pirincci, Douglas Adams, Chris D' Lacy, H.P. Lovecraft, Stephen King, Ray Bradbury, Tom Clancy, Leo Tolstoy, Ian Fleming, Edgar Allen Poe

Favorite Games: Pokemon, Spyro (1-3 ONLY, because that was when the little purple dragon was still a badass), Resident Evil, CoD 4 and CoD: WaW (Hate MW2, don't much care for Black Ops, not interested in MW3), Halo, Dead Rising, Left 4 Dead, Fallout, Battlefield (Bad Company and regular), Batman: Arkham Asylum (haven't played Arkham City yet, unfortunately), Super Smash Brothers, Zelda, Portal, Metal Gear Solid, Bioshock, Skyrim (play this fucking game RIGHT NOW!), Red Dead, Grand Theft Auto, Saint's Row, Amnesia: The Dark Descent, Ghost Recon

Fandoms I Plan On Writing For: Pokemon for sure, maybe Fallout, maybe Spyro, maybe Resident Evil, maybe Super Smash Brothers

People I Reccomend Avoiding (by, "recommend', I really mean, "stay the fuck away from these asshats")

1. Y-Ko (anyone who has read one of this prick's reviews knows why he's on the list. Seriously, this guy is a born asshole. I'm not just talking about the review he gave me, either; look at Snake Doctor's story "On Leather Wings", and you'll see how much of a dick this guy is)

2. Flaming Like a Charizard (again, a born asshole)

3. Farla (Reviewing I can understand, but to have an entire site dedicated to humiliating those people she reviewed(which she does)? Sorry, I call that being a bitch for no reason. Read her writing guide, though; it's better than most professional guides, and can be found on her forum)

4. Canyouspellpi (because he's on a very, very annoying crusade against furries. Think about this; I'm not a furry, yet I find him annoying. That's bad)

Top 20 favorite Pokémon (you'll notice I have no legendaries on my list. That's because legendaries are for noobs. Stop using legendaries, people!):

1.Umbreon (WHY DID GEN 5 DESTROY YOU? WHY? FUCK GEN 5! FUCK IT! ARGHHH! ...Now that that rant is out of the way, I'll show you just how much I love Umbreon; I spent two weeks breeding a Japanese Umbreon with an American Glaceon to get a shiny Eevee, then raised said Eevee to level one-hundred and evolved it into an Umbreon. It now never, EVER leaves my team. Oh, and I named it after a Russian rifle (Vintovka). Yes, Vintovka is also an O.C. of mine, one that I do plan on using in an eventual story.)

2.Absol (love it, but I'm also terrified of it. Read Derpedex if you don't get that joke)

3.Flygon (Up yours, Garchomp)

4.Espeon (Maybe you'd be higher on the list if your defenses didn't equate to burying your head in the sand and praying that Dark Pulse misses anything vital)

5.Skarmory (It's just so damn cool and fun to troll with. Spikes/Whirlwind/Agility, anyone?)

6.Tyranitar (I also have a shiny one that I stole from a used White cartridge. Don't forget to transfer your shit before you sell your games, people!)

7.Charizard (C'mon, you knew it was coming)

8.Sceptile (My favorite Grass-type starter, and my first Hoenn starter)

9.Luxray (Got me through the Sinnoh league in one try, it did)

10.Arcanine (It's just fun to use)

11.Houndoom (Love the typing on this one, no arguments)

12.Haxorus (I have at least five shinies of this thing, all from that White cartridge)

13.Hydreigon (Also good, but the Dark typing puts it at a disadvantage compared to other stuff)

14.Salamence (I like Flygon better, personally)

15.Mienshao (Lucario is overrated, in my opinion)

16.Electivire (*Deep breath* OhmyGodthisthingisamazingifyoudon'thaveonegogetoneoffofGTSlikerightnow!11!1!111!1)

17.Ariados (know what's weird? I'm really, really arachnophobic, yet I love Ariados)

18.Crobat (So...damn...FAST...)

19.Metagross (If only there were more physical phsychic-type moves...)

20.Ninetails (Hey, it looks cool. It could be better in the stats department, but it's not completely hopeless *Glares at Flareon*)

UPDATE TIMES (IMPORTANT!!!!): Expect me to update whenever I have free time. Unfortunately, I don't have a whole lot of free time during the week, between school, guitar practice, and other stuff. I will try and update at least weekly, if possible. Don't expect me to update a whole lot over breaks from school or Monday through Friday. Also, when Finals roll around, I will be updating less frequently. The same goes for the end of March (Robotics Regional Competition).

Oh, and now I talk about something that bothers me. You know the debate on whether guns kill people or people kill people? That's stupid. Like, really stupid. First off, the victim doesn't care-he's dead. Second, both sides have good points; if the person didn't have a gun, maybe they wouldn't have killed. Likewise, the gun isn't a sentient being, and isn't in control of what is done with it-it doesn't get to decide who pulls the trigger and why. Actually, it can be traced back to people kill people no matter how you look at it; someone had to make the gun that was used to kill the person, and the one who made it is a person. Therefore, it can be iterpreted that people always kill people. That's my very opinionated rant, so I'm done talking for now.

Milestone Checklist:

{/} - 15 favorites (one story)d

{} - 50 favorites (total)s

{} - 100 favorites (total)e

{} - 1000 favorites (total)i

{/} - 50 reviews (one story)d

{/} - 100 hits (one story)d

{/} - 1000 hits (all stories total)e

{/} - 10000 hits (all stories total)i

{/} - 100 hits (profile)s

{} - 100 reviews (one story)s

{} - 1000 reviews (total)e

{} - 1000 reviews (one story)i

{/} - 500 hits (one story)d

{/} - 500 hits (profile)s

{} - 500 reviews (one story)s

{} - 5000 reviews (total)i

{/} - 10 Chapters completed (one story)d

{} - 50 Chapters completed (one story)s

{} - 100 Chapters completed (one story)e

{} - 500 Chapters completed (total)e

d= difficult

s= seriously difficult

e= extremely difficult

i= impossibly difficult