Some things everyone should know...
...about Emily Gilmore:

Along with her black belt, Emily Gilmore often chooses to wear brown shoes. No one has DARED call her on it. Ever.
Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Emily Gilmore's PC will crash.
Emily Gilmore actually owns IBM. It was an extremely hostile takeover.
Emily Gilmore beat the Sun in a staring contest.
Emily Gilmore can build a snowman out of rain.
Emily Gilmore can delete the Recycling Bin.
Emily Gilmore can drown a fish.
Emily Gilmore can sneeze with her eyes open.
Emily Gilmore can speak braille.
Emily Gilmore can strangle you with a cordless phone.
Emily Gilmore can taste lies.
Emily Gilmore cannot predict the future; the future just better does what Emily Gilmore says.
Emily Gilmore counted to infinity - twice.
Emily Gilmore died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell her.
Emily Gilmore does not "style" her hair. It lays perfectly in place out of sheer terror.
Emily Gilmore does not own a stove, oven, or microwave , because revenge is a dish best served cold.
Emily Gilmore does not play the lottery. It doesn't have nearly enough balls.
Emily Gilmore does not sleep. She waits.
Emily Gilmore doesn't bowl strikes, she just knocks down one pin and the other nine faint.
Emily Gilmore doesn't daydream. She is too busy giving other people nightmares.
Emily Gilmore doesn't need a miracle in order to split the ocean. She just walks in and the water gets out of the way.
Emily Gilmore doesn't play "hide-and-seek." She plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."
Emily Gilmore doesn't play god. Playing is for children.
Emily Gilmore doesn't read books. She stares them down until she gets the information she wants.
Emily Gilmore doesn't wear a watch, She decides what time it is.
Emily Gilmore grinds her coffee with her teeth and boils the water with her own rage.
Emily Gilmore has a deep and abiding respect for human life... unless it gets in her way.
Emily Gilmore has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. She won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.
Emily Gilmore is not Politically Correct. She is just Correct. Always.
Emily Gilmore is the only woman to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
Emily Gilmore just says "no" to drugs. If she said "yes", it would collapse Colombia's infrastructure.
Emily Gilmore once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made her blink.
Emily Gilmore ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
Emily Gilmore sleeps with a night light. Not because Emily Gilmore is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Emily Gilmore.
Emily Gilmore was once in a knife fight, and the knife lost.
Emily Gilmore will never have a heart attack. Her heart isn't nearly foolish enough to attack her.
Godzilla is a Japanese rendition of Emily Gilmore's first visit to Tokyo.
If at first you don't succeed, you're not Emily Gilmore.
If Emily Gilmore wants your opinion, she'll beat it into you.
If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Emily Gilmore says its beef, then it's beef.
July 4th is Independence day. And the day Emily Gilmore was born. Coincidence? I think not.
Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Emily Gilmore pajamas.
Staring at Emily Gilmore for extended periods of time without proper eye protection will cause blindess, and possibly foot sized brusies on the face.
Sticks and stones may break your bones, but an Emily Gilmore glare will liquefy your kidneys.
That's not Emily Gilmore doing push-ups -- that's Emily Gilmore moving the Earth away from the path of a deadly asteroid.
The 11th commandment is "Thou shalt not piss off Emily Gilmore" This commandment is rarely enforced, as it is impossible to accomplish.
The easiest way to determine Emily Gilmore's age is to cut her in half and count the rings.
The First rule of Emily Gilmore is: You do not talk about Emily Gilmore.
The last digit of pi is Emily Gilmore. She is the end of all things.
The only time Emily Gilmore was wrong was when she thought she had made a mistake.
The pen is mightier than the sword, but only if the pen is held by Emily Gilmore.
The phrase 'dead ringer' refers to someone who sits behind Emily Gilmore in a movie theater and forgets to turn their cell phone off.
The truth will set you free. Unless Emily Gilmore has you, in which case, forget it buddy!
The United States could save billions in defense funding if they trade the Military for Emily Gilmore
There are now five cup sizes at Starbucks: Short, Tall, Grande, Venti, and Emily Gilmore.
There are only two things that can cut diamonds: other diamonds, and Emily Gilmore.
There are two types of people in the world... people that suck, and Emily Gilmore.
There is no Control button on Emily Gilmore's computer. Emily Gilmore is always in control.
There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Emily Gilmore allows to live.
Time waits for no woman. Unless that woman is Emily Gilmore.
We live in an expanding universe. All of it is trying to get away from Emily Gilmore.
When Emily Gilmore enters a room, she doesn't turn the lights on, she turns the dark off.
When Emily Gilmore falls in water, Emily Gilmore doesn't get wet. Water gets Emily Gilmore.
When Emily Gilmore is ready to wake up, she tells the sun to get above the horizon.
When Emily Gilmore was born, the only person who cried was the doctor. Never slap Emily Gilmore.
When God said, "Let there be light", Emily Gilmore said, "say please."
When the boogeyman goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Emily Gilmore.
When you say "no one's perfect", Emily Gilmore takes this as a personal insult.
You can lead a horse to water but cannot make him drink, unless you're Emily Gilmore.