Poll: Which title sounds the best for the novel version of Wolf's Law? FYI - Cloud is the name of the main character. Vote Now!
Author has written 14 stories for Percy Jackson and the Olympians, and Prince of Tennis.
Update: Okay, here's the breakdown of what's going with all of my stories...
Fun Fact: All of my stories have word counts that end in multiples of five. Call me OCD, but I can't stand it when they end without being a multiple of five.
Quick Disclaimer: I realize that a vast majority of this makes me sound pretentious, so if you think that I am full of crap then you are entitled to your opinion. Realize that I am just an immature teenager, so forgive my insolence. I swear I'm not a braggart and I have mixed feelings about posting all of this in the first place. I also swear quite a bit, but that's for effect not for vulgarity.
Important Note: "Demigod Adventures" has been put on hold because I am having a terrible case of writer's block and I'm very unhappy with the story in general - it's very immature and lacking. The only reason I haven't deleted it is because you all seem to like it. I might start it up again later or rewrite it, but that remains to be seen.
I hold her in a place of cruel resentment,
I often ask her, "When will you be satisfied?"
Her hair still red,
My bitter memory,
Rants and Ramblings
1. Plot Bunny Escapes - Ugh, guise, i cn't right gud stries anymr (cringes). Sigh. But, seriously, I can't seem to write anymore. I think I've begun to plateau/decline. Derp. This uber-mega-sucks. I guess there's only so far that you can go. I mean, I can't top things like "amor fati" or "Wolf's Law." Now begins the eternal dilemma of writing even better than you have before. Granted "Wolf's Law" isn't over yet, but I'm already starting to degenerate. I hope that it's just a rough spot. I mean, I think my stuff will still be pretty good, but it won't be as "holy shit, that was life changing" awesome. I don't know, my stories are life changing to me, but that's because I wrote them. I hope this is just a rough patch.
2. Profile Renovation - I have deleted all personal info from my profile since "ain't nobody got time for dat!" Instead, I'm going to be posting more and more of my thoughts since they are far more informative and entertaining than my preferences/talents. I kept my fictional crushes though because that's hilarious for me to read, and I don't particularly care if you don't like it. Also because I have a deep seated fear that someone I know will read my profile and recognize me, which would probably be the biggest disaster in my life since admitting to writing fanfiction in my school will make you as popular as someone that has airborne contagious herpes. No joke. That being said, I will continue to bitch about my pretty average life on my stories because I'm secretly a drama queen. The chromosomes definitely got it wrong when they aligned for when I was born.
3. AP Exams - AP Exams have started so I will be AWOL. I might still be able to squeeze in updates here or there because this website for me is like chocolate, kryptonite, and Reyna all in one - they're all irresistible. I honestly wonder why I don't have a girlfriend when I can spout gold like that (note the sarcasm). We won't delve into the reasons that I don't have a girlfriend. A list that big would break the internet. Anyhow, I digress (as usual). Bottom line: AP tests have my soul for the next two weeks.
1. Demigod Adventures - A typical high school story with a very very heavy OC influence. My first story ever, so naturally it's really shallow and bad. Many people seem to like it, and if time and motivation permit, I will go and revise the entire thing later. For now, there are other more urgent projects that demand my attention.
2. Sometimes Goodbye is a Second Chance - My most popular story and the story where I finally started to come into my own as an author. As with all my stories, I try to explore an aspect of the human condition and life in general. For this story, that aspect is forgiveness; follow a broken hearted Percy as he struggles to come to terms with his feelings of love and betrayal towards the girl that broke him beyond repair. Annabeth doesn't make things any easier as she fights for his hand after realizing her grievous ways even though he has a new girlfriend.
3. Wolf's Law - Hailed by many as my crowning achievement on Fanfiction, and a story that I hold incredibly close to my heart. Littered with philosophical musings, tragedy, growth, and life in general. This story really delves into mortality and suffering, and how we as humans can cope in a universe indifferent to our suffering. All of my philosophies on life and everything are laid bare on the pages of this story. Currently in the process of becoming an actual novel that I will eventually self-publish. Incredibly graphic, containing mentions of sex, alcohol, self-harm, abuse, and rape - not for the light hearted.
4. Iron Hearts - My first one shot and (in my eyes) the best piece of writing that I have ever produced. The unsung story of Hephaestus and Leo in an interconnected narrative of love, loss, and pain. Laden with extended metaphors and inquiry into Godhood and acceptance. Honestly, my favorite thing that I have ever written and probably the best of my writing. Definitely check it out if you haven't already.
5. Treading Water - My first non-Percy centric story and the one that I am most proud of (that's not a one shot). This is about Nico as he wrestles to come to terms with what he dubs "The Incident". This story has a very unique before/after format partially inspired by "Looking for Alaska" by John Green that details Nico's radical transformation following his biggest calamity. In this story, I investigate what grief can do to a human and how it can change and warp us beyond recognition. Starring my first OC after Demigod Adventures, Alexa, who happens to look frighteningly similar to Bianca, his now deceased sister. Can she help him rise out of his mire of agony or will she break what ever is left of him? Modeled largely after "Looking for Alaska," but with a more personal flair, and has a very mystery novel like feel to it.
6. The Biggest Scam - Definitely the most graphic one-shot that I have produced to date, but Wolf's Law is infinitely more disturbing. This story deals also with betrayal, but a different kind: infidelity. This novel explores the intensity of emotions that one feels when ones trust is utterly violated. The second chapter, Nocturne of Guilt, details Annabeth's rationale, and her side of the story - dedicated to fanficrulz1, one of my favorite authors and a very dedicated reviewer.
7. The Language of Love - Probably my biggest departure yet; God forbid that I should write a happy story for once! Haha, but no, in all honesty, this story is my attempt at creating something that has more of a lighter atmosphere and more of an entertainment factor. There will be philosophical musings (that's a given with me) but they will be more low key, and the pacing will be a lot quicker than my other stories. It's pretty widely received.
8. The Noble Romance of Otters - A pretty shallow, but adorable one shot if I do say so myself. This is another attempt on my end to write a happy, sweet one shot, and I think that for once, I didn't overdo it. I tried to make it as humorous as I could.
9. A Thousand Cherry Blossoms - Let's get this out of the way now, most of my normal readers won't read this because they haven't watched "Prince of Tennis". What you need to do is hop on the interwebz and watch every goddamn episode of that show because it is honestly the greatest show on the planet. This is a one-shot that I adore that explores a moment that Tezuka and Fuji share which was like a two minute clip in the actual series that made me cry. That's how good that series is - I never cry when I read/watch things.
10. Life Lessons - Probably the most entertaining thing that I have ever wrote in terms of humor, content, and concept. It's a very unique insight into Annabeth's mind as she combats Life and Percy Jackson. Again, I love this one-shot to death, but I wrote it at two in the morning so it's kind of wacky to say the least.
11. The Essence of Insanity - Kind of a mindless one-shot filled with humor and general ramblings. It's another look into Annabeth's mind, this time written in first person, so it has a more personal feel. It's written as though Annabeth is directly talking to the reader, and she's kind of out of character since she's a lot funnier than her counterpart.
12. amor fati - Okay, I know that I said that Iron Hearts was my most favorite thing that I have ever written, but I lied - this is. The only thing awesomer than Leo/Piper is Percy/Reyna. I will undoubtedly get a lot of hate and skeptically, but comically, upturned eyebrows by the purists, but Reyna and Percy are kind of made for each other, contrary to common belief. There are a ton of quotable lines from this one shot, and I am insanely proud of it. There's a kind of sensual feel to the whole thing, which is something that I haven't really dealt with much before, but it was appropriate given the pairing. This story was all about atmosphere and poetically quotable lines. Kudos to those of you that knew what two pieces of literature I referenced at the beginning and end without using google. I am thoroughly impressed if you know what the theory of "Amor Fati" is - that's some high level stuff.
First Reviewer Ever: Compliment Giver (used to be Shur'Tugal something)
Famous Authors That've Reviewed/Followed/Favorited: AtlantaJackson95, MaydayParade8123, Allstarry707, St. Walker, iLOVEsmellymarkers, XxbethamphetaminexX, fanficrulz1, ChildofWisdom, Fluffy Bunnies Are So Cute, ThreeBulletsAtTheDangerParade, (I think horse-crazy girl13 at some point as well, not sure though) etc.
Special Shout Out: GreenGlaux for essentially teaching me how to format my stories at the beginning.
Super Special Shout Out: AtlantaJackson95 for writing the best reviews ever and for giving me incredible ideas that I have totally ripped off on more than one occasion. She has the most amazing ways of phrasing and viewing things, and it's inspired many of my chapters in Second Chance. I want to formally express my gratitude for all she's done, knowingly or unknowingly.
Thank you all, mentioned or not, for helping me along my journey on Fanfiction. Many of you write incredibly incredibly amazing, heartfelt, thought-provoking reviews that just astound me.
I've said this before, but I'll say it again, when I first started writing (and very poorly might I add) Demigod Adventures, I was thinking "Oh, if like four people read this and like it, I would totally be fine with that."
I guess it's safe to say that I definitely went beyond four reviews. At this moment, I have ten stories out (five stories, five one-shots), with some stories having obscene amounts of reviews, one numbering over a thousand. I will forever be eternally grateful for all the encouragement and advice you all have imparted. I know that I have become a better writer for it, as my current English teacher can attest to. Not to beat a dead horse, but I can't thank you all enough.
A Stunning Realization - I Am A Paleontologist (An Informal Poetic Musing)
I recently realized something, and this is going to sound cheesy as balls, but bear with me. I realized that I am not a writer. Now before you all flip desks and raise your torches and pitchforks, hear me out. I realized that I have no right to call myself a writer because I am not; I am a movie watcher. That's right, you heard me: a movie watcher. I don't think of what I am writing - it's just like a movie that plays in my head and then my fingers begin to type of their own accord. I am merely a vessel that divine inspiration flows through, and I just happen to be blessed than most to conduct said inspiration with irregular frequency.
The books have already been written. I am just communicating them to you; kind of like taking notes for you all. It's all there - finished in all of its wonderful glory and then I just go and retrieve it. It's like I am a paleontologist and I dig up dinosaur bones, but I can't claim to have made the dinosaur bones. I was the lucky fool that stumbled across them. It's really that simple.
Am I A Narcissist?
I'll tell you right now: nope. What I meant by the title is that I have a habit (good or bad, you decide) of reading repeatedly over my own material. Sometimes, when I write something that is particularly good (by my standards), I just think to myself: "Holy crap, did I actually write that?" I don't know if that's me just masturbating my own ego or if that's something natural when you look back on your art and take pride. For all of you authors, do you ever feel like that; like you've produced something so amazing you can't believe that you wrote it?
My Fanfiction Thoughts
1. Reading recommended stories - I don't really acquiesce to requests to read a person's story. It's about as simple as that. It's one of those things like Sheldon and Christmas. If I read a recommended story, I feel obligated to review, and tell you that I have read it. Sometimes I don't really enjoy the stories that I read, but I feel compelled to review anyways. Sometimes people ask me for advice to stories that I can't really understand or read. Basically, it puts me in a really sticky situation that I really don't like being in. That sounds like the rudest thing in the world, and I apologize for that, but that's kind of a hard limit for me. As a general rule, I will not read a story that is recommended to me, particularly if it is your own story. It's selfish, but what are you going to do? That being said, I will not hesitate to recommend stories that I enjoy.
2. Meaning vs. Entertainment - If you've read my stories, you know that I belong to the camp that believes in writing stories with meaning/strong messages and ideas. Therefore, it's kind of hard for me to write purely entertainment value stories, which is why it's a tad difficult writing "The Language of Love" without struggling.
3. Floating A/N's - Dear god this irks me! Okay, a floating author note is when an author will randomly interject in the middle of the text to say something. Example: "He wandered through the black door with his brown eyes wide open (A/N: I know his eyes aren't brown)."
4. Reviews: Quality Prevails! - The best kinds of reviews are the long ones that tell you about a reader's opinion, and also gives constructive criticism. I love those reviews to death, and I think that's something unique to a medium like Fanfiction - the ability to get instant feedback as you are writing the story.
The Official Guide to Stupidity
A funny little thing that I threw together about things that I consider stupid/annoying. I won't say you shouldn't be offended because I genuinely believe in these things.
1) Calling Indians "Black" - You are a bigot and geographically ignorant if you do this. This is incredibly offensive to both Indians and Africans/African Americans alike, and demonstrates how incredibly stupid you are. Don't do it. Ever. It would be like me calling you Russian during the height of the Cold War just because you are white.
2) Calling Native Americans "Indian" - I had a huge diatribe regarding Columbus and how much of an idiot he was a while back that was also supplemented with some very colorful language, but I don't want to do that again. All I'll say is that American Indian is a misnomer that also demonstrates your lack of historical and geographical knowledge. The proper term is Native American; use it. I realize that many Native Americans are rather ambivalent about the whole affair, in which case, I still say use "Native American" because "Indian" refers to individuals from the Indian subcontinent.
3) Saying "YOLO" or "Swag" out loud - Watch the movie Lincoln and tell me that you don't feel ashamed for using such vulgar vernacular. Language is an art and slang like that contaminates it. There are people like Abraham Lincoln, Winston Churchill, Benjamin Franklin etc. that have fought to give you the right to speak freely and you abuse that by saying things like "YOLO"? Honestly, you should be ashamed of yourself. Learn how to speak properly, and articulately. This isn't a question of me being condescending or from a point of privilege - trust me, I am anything but privileged, but I have trained myself to speak properly. You will never be respected if you can't talk in a dignified or refined manner.
4) Dogmatic One Direction/Justin Bieber Fanatics - News flash: 1D and JB aren't the greatest things to ever happen to the world of music. In addition to being forced to read philosophy, I think students should be forced to listen to good music. It should be mandatory for all in High School to listen to classical music and older music. You cannot listen to Corelli or Frank Sinatra or The Eagles and tell me still that 1D and JB are like the greatest artists ever. Trust me, there are better artists out there even now, and you should give them a chance. I can only hope and pray that as you mature, you develop more refined tastes.
5) People that Hunt for Sport - Being a strict vegetarian, I find hunting in general to be abhorrent. However, I do understand how some are forced to hunt for food, and it does have historically anthropological roots, so I can accept that not all share in my views. With that being said, there is a large distinction between those that hunt for survival and those that hunt for sport.
So let me get this straight, because you want to have "fun", you are allowed to claim the life of another organism? That's without a doubt the saddest fucking thing that I have ever heard, and you should be put in solitary confinement for homicidal tendencies. Guess what? The world doesn't revolve around you or humans for that matter. We are only one species that populate Earth and you have an obligation to respect other sentient life forms. Hah! Homicide for fun! That's sickening, and I don't care if you are offended because you should be fucking miserable for what you have to done.
6) Bullies - As someone that has experience bullying first hand, I know how ravaging it can be to your well being and self-esteem. For those of you that get bullied, make sure that you tell someone. The first step is to know that you're not alone and that you have people that love you, that you can rely on. Trust me when I say it gets better; you can always make friends and there isn't anything wrong with you. Learn to be confident in yourself and don't let bullies bother you, but don't fight back either. Most often, bullies deal with their own troubles by beating on other kids. You can't stoop to their level and make fun of or fight them because you make their situation worse.
7) Ableist/Racist Language - This means saying things like "Retard" in passing or a racial slur to the same effect. You have to realize that not everyone is perfectly healthy or the same race as you. By saying that you have "self-diagnosed Aspergers" or that someone is "mentally retarded" you are making fun of some very serious conditions that people all around the world struggle with every single day. I used to call people "retarded" as well until I did one time and the victim of my vindictiveness had a sibling that actually did struggle with a disability and cried. From that day onward, I swore to myself that I would never use that word again, but I know how difficult it can be, trust me. However, you will be better for it if you don't use it. You should take it upon yourself to prevent others from using such language as well.
My Thought's on Writing
Foreword: Most of this is a rant, albeit an intellectually stimulating one, but a rant nonetheless
1. Character development is everything - I want to feel personally invested in the characters that I read about. I want them to have multi-faceted elements to them and I want them to have depth. I want to feel disappointed when the main character doesn't get the girl. I want to feel a sense of triumph when victory is achieved at the end. I want to cry when I read about the loss of a very well developed character (doesn't even have to be really important. i.e: Dobby)
2. People need to challenge themselves - the only way you can become a good writer is when you put down the mass marketed best seller's (ie: your Twilights, Harry Potters, etc.) and go get at immortal literature. Read some Huxley, some Orwell, some Bradbury, some Verne, some Dickens. Get exposure. These stories have endured the test of time for a reason - they excel. The quickest way to become a better writer is to immerse yourself in complex literature. It's alright if it doesn't move as quickly as shallow novels, there is a payoff at the end. These types of works will help you mature intellectually. That being said, I, like all of you, have my guilty pleasures, so don't come after me with pitchforks for insulting your favorite series. I am not saying you shouldn't read them, I am just saying you need a healthy balance of contemporary and classical.
3. People in high school need to start reading philosophy. I think this should be mandatory. If you can survive philosophy, which makes classic literature look tame, then you can read and more importantly understand anything. Read Derrida, Foucault, Chomsky, Nietzsche, Agamben, Plato, etc. They will radically transform your understandings of philosophy and writing. If you are interested, start by youtubing the Chomsky-Foucault debates. There are short excerpts but I swear their level of conversation makes everyone seem stupid and will enrich your intellectual capacity.
4. I believe that words have power and that there is a perfect word for each given situation. Every serious author, pursues diligently, that word which perfectly describes what ever he or she is trying to convey. The surest sign of an author that doesn't take their work seriously is one whom does not attempt to go beyond mundane words that proliferate throughout society.
5. There is a distinction between writing intelligently and writing confusingly. Throwing around dense verbiage just because you have the capacity to do so is not a sign of your verbal or intellectual prowess. A serious author exercises restraint whilst simultaneously having a unique style and vocabulary. That being said, I struggle with this the most with my writing, so I can understand that this is difficult.
6. I am sick of reading stories on fanfiction that don't even make an attempt to spell properly or use proper grammar. The quickest turnoff for a reader is when you can't even spell words properly in your stories. It tells me that you don't care enough to go back and proof read your own work, which means that I most definitely should not treat your work seriously either. How can I respect your work, when you yourself don't? I know this might seem hypocritical because my grammar isn't up to par, but that isn't to say that I don't make an effort. I can respect effort and minor mistakes - that's fine. But when I see your title and you misspell that then there will be some problems.
7. DO NOT PLAY HARD TO GET WITH ROMANCE - This is another incredibly frustrating pet peeve of mine with this website. There are so many gosh darn stories that just delay and delay and delay and delay (you get the point) the romance for no valid reason. Look, there is a distinction between slow romantic progression and road blocks/endless interruptions. The first is like gradually having two individuals fall in love over a long period in time while tackling various problems. The second is playing stupid hard to get games where the main characters do something stupid like trying to make someone jealous, deliberately toying with feelings, etc. Endless interruptions are when there is tangible chemistry, but every time said individuals try to get together, something stupid "interrupts" them and this just suspends the tension infinitely. Both of these things are absolutely torturous to read as well. DON'T DO IT.
8. Ending stories properly is a lost art, not just here on fanfiction but in the professional literary world. An ending can make or break a story - it can elevate a rather normal story or take an already fantastic work into a literary pantheon. However, a banal or bad ending can absolutely destroy a story, no matter how good it is. We as authors must tread carefully when we consider endings for these reasons. There is one word in the english dictionary that defines whether a story has a good ending or not: closure. Most stories do not in fact have closure and even those that do aren't always very good about it. Endings need to encapsulate the entirety of a story and tie everything together, close all the loops, and leave you feeling satisfied. This varies from story to story so you need to think critically when you write because I can't really help you out.
PJO Specific Rants
1. The PJO archive here on Fanfiction has a major problem - there seems to be some silent consensus that Annabeth can't apologize to Percy when she makes mistakes. I can't tell you the amount of stories that I've read that posit Annabeth as some sort of stubborn, insensitive jerk that physically cannot apologize. It drives me absolutely insane because it is absolutely torturous to read and it's just flat out wrong. I will instantly place a story on my hate list if the entire time, Annabeth doesn't acknowledge that she fundamentally messed up. As I said before, it is absolutely agonizing when you have to read chapter after chapter of her just acting like nothing is wrong or that she is somehow superior to Percy. It makes me detest her as a character and that's bad because she's my favorite character in the whole series. Look, I understand that she's proud, but that is not a crutch to make her act like a self centered airhead.
2. Apparently, I am the banner boy for PJO characters that everyone else seems to despise. I really like Calypso, Rachel, and Reyna - particularly Reyna, and don't ask me why because I have no idea. I just like all their characters in general because if you think about it, they are really the unluckiest characters in the series and they don't receive enough publicity about it. Like Rachel never got to be with Percy and has sworn to be a virgin until there is a new Oracle. I truly do not understand the hate that Calypso gets because she's been stuck alone on a solitary island that shouldn't even exist and to make things worse, she falls in love with a hero that never stays every once in a millennia - that sucks. Reyna has to manage being a solitary praetor for the majority of the time and the Roman camp has a lot more political squabbles (ie: Octavian) than does the Greek. Then she gets rejected pretty much by Percy and Jason, a guy that she's known for ever for a girl that he met for maybe a month max. My point is that these characters do not deserve the hate that they get and you as a reader should be open minded and accepting of that.
3. For some reason, I don't enjoy the concept of Jason/Piper or Jason/Reyna or the concept of Jason in general. I just don't really like him and I am not entirely sure why. I feel like Leo/Reyna or Leo/Piper are far better pairings and that's probably because Leo has massive sympathy points on my end. If you really think about it, Jason is kind of the perfect boy - smart, strong, handsome - he's got the works which just doesn't make him real. Leo is not perfect but his imperfections are so perfect that it's hard not to love him. I feel like Leo should have landed with Piper, but I know that's not how it's going to go down in the actual series - he'll probably be with Reyna or Rick might just kill him off as sad as that may be.
Self-Improvement vs. Identity Compromise
I have always been a little concerned (and confused for that matter) about the interplay between self-improvement and one's innate character. I should explain. For example, let's say that you're a naturally shy person, that is how you are and always have been; it's a trait that defines you and your personality. Now imagine that you're sick of being harped by your parents who call you "antisocial" and you're lonely a lot and you're depressed because you don't get invited to parties and whatnot. You therefore decide that you are sick of being shy, so sick that you decide that you will now become extroverted, and be a social butterfly.
To me, that's problematic. If you're inherently shy, then aren't you trying to change your very character? Doesn't that kind of sell out your identity for something that's kind of stupid? Being shy isn't a crime, so does that mean "self-improvement" is actually just a form of peer pressure and conformity? Let me be clear: if you have bad, destructive qualities, feel free to change them. My problem arises when people change because society doesn't see their traits as "desirable." Who gives anyone a right to say that your shyness is undesirable? That's who you are, that's your identity.
Therefore, I present this question: Is that type of change a form of self-improvement or a form of compromise of your integrity/being? I can see it being argued both ways, but I see it as a betrayal of your inherent personality. No one needs to be satisfied with you, but yourself. That's my opinion anyhow. If you have thoughts, feel free to share. I shall be clear: my hypothetical situations don't mirror my real life situations.
Comfortable Isolation vs. Anti-sociality
So let it be known that anti-sociality is now a word; I have made it so. Diction aside, I will admit that I have been having a problem with this. Increasingly, I have found myself alone; my friends and I rarely do anything with each other outside of school anymore. They still do things by themselves without me, and while that kind of hurts, it doesn't hurt enough to bother me. I don't know if that's symptomatic of me being dead to my emotions since I'm uber depressed or because I have grown to become incredibly comfortable being alone, to the point where I prefer it to other things. Like, my parents went on a three week vacation that I couldn't go on because I had school, and I had the house all to myself. I can't remember feeling happier in my life.
That brings me to my question: Does this preference make me anti-social? Like, I think the reason my friends don't really hang out with me anymore is because I've become incredibly recluse, and just dead in general. Many of my older readers know that I have a big problem with depression, and it still plays a big role in my life. I don't know if my loneliness is actually me relishing in my own depressive confinement. I mean, I don't feel depressed alone, but there are times that I feel like I could go for a little human contact with people that are my age. I'm not bored or anything, but when you're depressed, somedays are worse than others. Somedays, I just really need a friend.
I feel like a whiny drama queen. Again, I'm not suicidal; I'm quite content; I have a good life by many standards; but that doesn't mean I can't have problems. Sigh. This brings me to another problem I have that I will undoubtedly discuss at great length later on my profile. For now at least, what I'm asking is if I should seek to change the status quo. Because while I am happy, I could still use my friends. That's all it boils down to I suppose. I don't know if I should feel betrayed that they just kind of ditched me, or swallow my ill well and reestablish the friendship because my "personality" (*cough* depression *cough*) drove them away.
Arguably one of the biggest problems with me - I never let myself feel good about anything because if I do, I feel like an egomaniac. The thing is though, I kind of am an egomaniac, but I mask it well with modesty. However, I feel genuinely self-consciousness when it comes to my accomplishments. When someone here says, "Oh, you're a great writer!" I can't very well go, "Thanks, I know. I am a badass. Bow down before me." Obviously, there's a middle ground, but I can't find it.
This also really screws with my interactions with people that I find aesthetically appealing (translate: attractive). Around pretty girls, I just can't let myself be confident or proud without feeling like an arrogant jerk. I'm so emphatic and respectful of women that it's actually kind of a bad thing. I am like the epitome of the guy that you would auto-friend zone: averagely attractive and dotes on you. That's my problem: I fucking dote on girls that I like, and feel, I think the correct word is inferior to them. Like obviously, I think that I have talents, skills, knowledge, attractive qualities etc. but I can't help feeling like it would be banana insane (translate: weird/crazy) for a girl to actually like me.
This conversation has devolved horribly to a discussion of my non-existent love life. So much for my "no personal drama on my profile" rant. Ah, fuck it. You guys can read this and care if you want or you can just skip to the stories and read interesting stuff. Bottom line: I am self-conscious to the point of having an inferiority complex. My question is: What that middle ground is between humility and overconfidence?
Dear Female Species, Signed Nerd Boys
Corollary on Otter Story!
Most of the guys and gals that will read this aren't in high school yet, but one day you will be. Here's a fact. Nerd boys, you know all those nerdy girls in middle school? One day, many of these girls will become drop-dead gorgeous. Of those many, many will be drop-dead gorgeous by the time they're in high school. The nerdy girls that aren't drop-dead gorgeous will look drop-dead gorgeous to you anyways because you are literally a quivering mass of walking testosterone. In fact, as you grow older, the nerdy girls that didn't look drop-dead gorgeous will actually be the most attractive ones because they are genuinely amazing people.
None of this is my point, but it brings me to it. You beautiful girls (no girl is ugly, and if you or any boy thinks that, you/he should be slapped), nerdy or not, will suddenly be approached by many boys. Many of these boys will be douche bags. Many of you will go out with these douche bags and then proceed to complain about how they are douche bags. You same girls will then reject the advances of a hopeful nerdy boy that happened to hear your whiny complaining. Then you'll date another douche bag, and when he breaks your heart, you'll wonder why it happened. That's because you didn't give the nerdy boy a chance.
Look, this isn't to say that there aren't perfectly wonderful non-nerdy boys, but that's not the point. The point is that you should give nerd boys a chance because you have no idea how hard it is to talk to you. I would rather get my teeth removed than have to endure embarrassment by a pretty girl that thinks that the world revolves around her. While you are entitled to your own opinions about attractiveness and you don't need to accept the request of any boy that asks you out, you need to be cognizant of the fact that you are nigh on impossible to talk to, especially for nerdy teenage boys.
For one thing, you travel in packs, like fricking wolves. Second, you have no idea how much you affect boys that try to talk to you. Our tongues feel like sandpaper, our throats constrict, and our hearts are sent into palpitations. You can't imagine the amount of courage it takes to talk to you, even the most harmless of your gender. As teenagers, we have yet to acquire a sense of comfort with our identities, and we therefore really suck at being confident, charming young men in front of you. You have an obligation to make the experience as painless as possible. If a nerdy boy asks you out, and you will not accept, let him down gently. Don't embarrass him, don't spread rumors, don't talk about his "loser-ness" behind his back, don't look at him with incredulity and/or disgust, don't act purposefully awkward with him.
You need to understand that nerd boys are among the nicest boys in the world, and the vast majority of things that you complain about would be non-issues with them. Nerd boys are intelligent, attentive, caring, friendly, humorous, and amazing, but you have to give them a chance before you can see that. Making judgments on face value is something that humans are programmed to do, but you have to fight it anyways. Ignore the fact that you're biologically wired to love Harry Styles or whatever you kids like these days, and give an actual human being a chance. Many of you will jump on the chance to date a "popular" or "hot" guy, but these people are by and large shallow in high school since they feel privileged and invincible which is a recipe for douchebagitis when you're a teen.
This isn't to say all popular/hot guys are douche bags or that all nerdy boys are angels sent from heaven, but that's the general rule of thumb. The problem is that many girls, especially ones that read a lot, have fantasies about boys like Percy or Harry Potter etc. that are simultaneously hot and caring and flawless, but that's not real life. Girls look for that insta-criteria: attractiveness, but in my experience, your most rewarding relationships will be appearance-blind; you shouldn't care how someone looks, as long as they are good human beings, they deserve to be treated equally.
For many of you females, you won't learn this lesson until your mid-twenties when you finally put the pieces of the puzzle together, and realize that looks aren't everything. You will look back and regret that you rejected that nerdy boy in your English class, and decided to go out with the asshole captain of the football team instead. Nerd boys don't have a lot of confidence, but that's because you're intimidating to us. We know that we aren't what you're looking for. We realize that we aren't attractive; we don't need you to tell us for us, and we certainly don't need you to look at us with disgust. Most of us do that everytime we look at our reflections in the mirror anyways. I don't know if I speak for everyone, but I feel kind of like I'm insulting your presence when I try to talk to you. That's what we go through, but we dig deep down, bite our tongues and approach you anyways, only to have you shoot us down without getting the chance to know us.
All this being said, this works both ways. I address this from the nerd boy perspective for two reasons. One, I am not a girl - self-explanatory. Second, as a general rule, popular boys aren't going to be reading fanfiction. Odds are, due to societal norms, it will be the nerd boy that asks the nerd girl, which is why I address you in this open letter. I use species in the title for a reason - that's what you are to the average teenage boy.
I've given up on doting on girls. I realize that most of you aren't mature enough as teenagers anyways. I don't blame you; I'm an old soul in a young body. I'm old fashioned. I'm average. That doesn't mean the rest of my gender has given up. You have a very large influence on a given boy's self-esteem with the amount of respect you show him. All I'm asking is for you to be civil, to be human towards one another, that's all. I just got caught in rant mode, but I really wanted you girls to just feel for once, you know?
1. I was actually pretty disappointed with the Mark of Athena. There were a ton of loopholes that kind of just went unexplained and I felt that the ending was slightly artificial and didn't connect to the rest of the story whatsoever - it was done because it could have been done. This is no fault on Rick's ability to write, it's just that the plot kind of stank. I'm pretty sure most of you will hate me for this, but it's just my opinion.
2. I recently watched "The Perks of Being a Wallflower" and I fell completely in love with it. Logan Lerman's acting in that movie was ridiculously good - I am really surprised that he could pull off the antisocial, awkward kid so well. The plot was fantastic, rich, and complex and the acting was even better. I think that I learned a lot after that movie ended and it kept me thinking about it days after I finished it. All in all, I definitely recommend watching the movie. Might sound creepy and stupid but I think I have a man crush on Ezra Miller and Logan Lerman, especially Ezra Miller.
3. (SPOILERS) I watched Casino Royale recently, and I used to hate James Bond, but I was actually kind of blown away. It was ridiculously good - much better than I thought it was going to be. That's probably because I thought that James Bond was always just a shallow womanizer, but in this movie I saw character depth and I felt awful when Vesper died. I could understand how he became the person he is and for the first time, I felt connected to him. I think that it was absolute brilliance on the part of the director. Flawless character development.
4. The song "MakeDamnSure" by Taking Back Sunday perfectly describes "Paper Towns" by John Green. That is all.
Favorite Quote on Fanfiction
"What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger?" her voice wavered, lips trembling. She swallowed, then turned to face Yukimura.
"But what happens when it does kill you?" The question spilled so earnestly from her lips – it wasn't sarcastic, it wasn't rhetoric. It was an honest, almost desperate question, and the longing for an answer blinked from her eyes.
Yukimura stared back.
"Then you drag yourself out of the pits of hell, and take your life back from the cold hands of the devil himself."
- "Rising Ambitions" by coffeelatte
Female Fictional Crushes
This goes without saying, but THIS IS A JOKE so take everything I say with a grain of salt.
1) Reyna - I would buy two dogs and spray paint one of them gold and the other silver, and then I would ask her out on a dog date, and then she would think I was hilarious when she caught on to my brilliance regarding the coloration of my dogs, and then she would fall in love with me, and then we would get married, and ride off into the sunset to live happily ever after... I am rambling aren't I?
2) Annabeth Chase - If I saw her walking on the street, I would propose to her without a second thought, and she would obviously accept because I am such a special guy. Sigh. I wish...
3) Hazel Grace Lancaster - Yeah, she's my soul mate, but she would die quickly because I would take her breath away. Ba-dum ching!
4) Piper McLean - She's perfect and totally out of my league. I would totally dye my hair blond and name myself Jason if I had to.
5) Hannah Baker - Probably the most amazing female personality that I have ever read in a book.
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